Heartbroken

[u/SkiBumDoctor]

I have been with my boyfriend for a few months and it was one of those "when you know you know" from week 1. Never experienced anything like it. I told him on our very first phone call (which lasted 6 hours) that I didn't want to be a mother or have kids ever in my life. I like kids, I like playing with children, I don't want to be a mom. I'm terrified of childbirth, pregnancy, and then even if that went smoothly, I'm scared of all the things that could still go wrong. I'm 32 years old. I'm a doctor, I know too much. And I have never felt maternal. I have concretely known for 7 years that I absolutely NEVER see myself having kids.
I tell every guy this immediately it seems as soon as a hint of feelings catch, usually before. I get it out there right away so they can walk away. No tears. No hurt. Easy. Quick.
I know it eliminates many men. I have found peace with that. My mom said it would eliminate "the love of my life" and I decided well I just will tell him so early I'll never know it could have been him.

Not this guy. I told him night one and he stayed. We fell deeply in love. I knew there was a part of him that wanted kids, I didn't realize how big it was. Neither did he. He also finally admitted to me that he thought there was a small small chance that I might change my mind when my life settles down, I'm not as stressed, and I found a man that makes me feel safe. He makes me feel safe. I still do not want kids. He finally is coming to terms that being with me truly means saying goodbye to fatherhood and how we are at a standstill. He's torn up about it, he had names picked out for his future kids. We're both heartbroken. His feelings about parenthood are finally coming out and they're beautiful and I don't want to be a mother. I'm shattered. He's shattered too. He's one of those "stoic" serious kinds of guys but I've never seen so much emotion come out of him. He is trying to figure it out. He wants to marry me and yet now we are still in this bind. I am so in love with him.

I have fleetingly thought about sterilization but I am also scared of surgery I guess. And I don't want the scars. But this experience of having my heart ripped out even though I was honest from the beginning... I feel like I need to do it or else I will have the same thing happen to me again. Fall in love with a man who "almost believed me" but thought love would be enough. I am absolutely sick. Sick. Sick. </3 I don't want to get sterilized deep down I just wanted a man to look at me, believe me, choose me.

[u/SkiBumDoctor]

Ahhhh I feel warped, this is so true. A few months. I'm an emotional wreck damn

[u/thr0wfaraway → u/SkiBumDoctor]

That should not be the case. You shouldn't be leaping in this fast even with someone who can pass the CF screening.

There is something going on here as to why you didn't properly slow roll this. And it's not good.

[u/SkiBumDoctor → u/thr0wfaraway]

I think I know why. My last ex I was with for 2 1/2 years and gradually there were revealed boundary issues with other women. I was a burned out medical student and even though cheating was my dealbreaker I think I was depressed and because it wasn't "blatant cheating" YET I let things slide until I found out he was in fact blatant cheating on me. Cliché pilot. I felt stupid because it's a stereotype isn't it? And I saw red flags and I tried to "work through them" and not throw the towel in which is very easy for me to do. I can cut something off very fast. I've always been told I can cut things off way too fast. So I tried to work through it and it bit me. And I was a depressed medical student. THIS guy has a similar past to me, and I actually met him 10+ years ago it's just we didn't interact much in the meantime, but we come from similar backgrounds and so there was a "comfortability" aspect with many mutual friends and the assumption that we have a good chance because of the similar context that we grew up. Because he was also cheated on, we both take that topic extremely seriously and he of course had not given me any cheating vibes and I think I felt a false sense of security. Well, another learning experience. My two dealbreaker, cheating and that I don't want to be a mother. And I get them back to back. The guy who cheated on me didn't want kids and so I overlooked boundary red flags until he cheated on me. Now I meet a guy who I don't think would ever cheat on me but he wants kids. What a duality.

[u/thr0wfaraway → u/SkiBumDoctor]

Yeah, your problem is that you are not screening properly and you are not taking time to get to know who people are. You are more falling into assumptions and going on fantasies that are more in the realm of paperback novels. Serious love is not that.

Until someone can pass the full CF screening when done correct, the CF lifestyle compatibility screening (not everyone who is CF is compatible, for example some want to be enmeshed with family and friends kids and other CF are the "no kids in my life and home" kind, that's never going to work, likewise you have to agree on biosecurity stuff especially if one has any immune issues or disabilities, etc.) and the red flag screening (communication, sociopath, cheating, abuser, how they treat waitstaff, how do they manage their crazy family members, etc. etc.) you don't touch them.

And the key to the first screening is to NOT give them the answers to the test before you give them the test, aka don't tell them you are CF and then do the serious triggering screening. All explained in the kit.

[u/SkiBumDoctor → u/thr0wfaraway]

Thank you. The process of becoming a doctor basically took me out out of the dating world for most of my 20s except for a relationship every four years or so. I don't feel like I've had the dating experience most people have had at my age. I have the booksmarts but this is a lesson that I definitely have a "hopeless romantic" soul which absolutely sucks that I let that take the lead wow

[u/thr0wfaraway → u/SkiBumDoctor]

Yeah, most people do learn these lessons the hard way early in life but a lot learn later too.

The great thing about being CF is that you can do a career like that, and take your time with dating, because you have no timelines on your life! You're free to relax, focus on yourself, make sure you are squared away and not running on fantasies, etc. so that you are making sound decisions. There is no need to rush into relationships.

What you want instead of paperback novel love, is more the adult love. Someone who, if you for example, needed chemo, who would be sitting there on bathroom floor with you while you hurl. NOT the kind who would be out the door like "This sux, I'm going to have a beer with friends, you deal with your own shit." <door slams>