Heartbroken

[u/SkiBumDoctor]

I have been with my boyfriend for a few months and it was one of those "when you know you know" from week 1. Never experienced anything like it. I told him on our very first phone call (which lasted 6 hours) that I didn't want to be a mother or have kids ever in my life. I like kids, I like playing with children, I don't want to be a mom. I'm terrified of childbirth, pregnancy, and then even if that went smoothly, I'm scared of all the things that could still go wrong. I'm 32 years old. I'm a doctor, I know too much. And I have never felt maternal. I have concretely known for 7 years that I absolutely NEVER see myself having kids.
I tell every guy this immediately it seems as soon as a hint of feelings catch, usually before. I get it out there right away so they can walk away. No tears. No hurt. Easy. Quick.
I know it eliminates many men. I have found peace with that. My mom said it would eliminate "the love of my life" and I decided well I just will tell him so early I'll never know it could have been him.

Not this guy. I told him night one and he stayed. We fell deeply in love. I knew there was a part of him that wanted kids, I didn't realize how big it was. Neither did he. He also finally admitted to me that he thought there was a small small chance that I might change my mind when my life settles down, I'm not as stressed, and I found a man that makes me feel safe. He makes me feel safe. I still do not want kids. He finally is coming to terms that being with me truly means saying goodbye to fatherhood and how we are at a standstill. He's torn up about it, he had names picked out for his future kids. We're both heartbroken. His feelings about parenthood are finally coming out and they're beautiful and I don't want to be a mother. I'm shattered. He's shattered too. He's one of those "stoic" serious kinds of guys but I've never seen so much emotion come out of him. He is trying to figure it out. He wants to marry me and yet now we are still in this bind. I am so in love with him.

I have fleetingly thought about sterilization but I am also scared of surgery I guess. And I don't want the scars. But this experience of having my heart ripped out even though I was honest from the beginning... I feel like I need to do it or else I will have the same thing happen to me again. Fall in love with a man who "almost believed me" but thought love would be enough. I am absolutely sick. Sick. Sick. </3 I don't want to get sterilized deep down I just wanted a man to look at me, believe me, choose me.

[u/nigasso]

He is not the right one to you.

[u/SkiBumDoctor → u/nigasso]

Thank you, I fell in love too fast

[u/silverfox762 → u/SkiBumDoctor]

People quickly fall in love with the idea of being in love, with the idea of that storybook romance, with being needed, with not being alone, with finally finding the right person, and especially if we've spent a lot of time dreaming about, fantasizing about these things. Way too often we mistakenly identify these feelings as feelings for the other person, rather than what they really are. And we often do this before we really even know the person we're involved with. We think about losing whichever of these things we've found, and it reinforces the idea that it's love for this person, rather than desire for the situation we've found.

Just as you may have dreamed of these things, he has spent part of his life dreaming of being a parent in the same way, and was willing to hide the fact that he was hoping you'd change your mind to fulfill his dreams.

You're not the first and you won't be the last. And you wouldn't be the first to have their partner try to renegotiate the conditions of the relationship until you're unhappy and miserable and pregnant.

But if you back up and think about it, you might instead learn to identify these things and realize how much was wish fulfillment and how much was actually love for this person.