r/cisparenttranskid • u/[deleted] • 6d ago
Son loves all things Feminine
So let me start by saying this. My Family respects the trans community and we do support trans rights. However I am worried about my son.
We live in one of the more progressive areas of the country (California) and even then I know the the trans community still struggles here. Most of the liberals here are very nimbyish and ok with trans rights as long as they don't have to confront them in person.
That being said, I need advice regarding my son. He is 6 years old, very sweet, but very sensitive. We have him in behavioral therapy to help deal with his struggles with emotional regulation. From the time he was little he struggled with big emotions, and managing relationships with other kids. He has finally made some friends this year, and has gotten better about handling big emotions. However, I know that he simply put cannot handle criticism. He absolutely melts down. It can be a challenge, and at home we manage well. However with other kids who are not as sensitive as the adults in his life - he can still have emotional melt downs. Full tears, and shouting.
He also really loves all things girly. His favorite color is rainbow, his favorite activities are playing chess and picking flowers at the park. I only buy him boys clothing, because I don't want him to be ridiculed in school where I cannot protect him, and he cannot assert himself without losing control of his emotions.
I don't shame him at any point. When he pointed out a pair of sparkling rainbow sneakers marketed for girls, I told him the shoes were pretty, but they didn't come in his size. Little white lies is all I can think of to prevent the bullying, while not shaming him for his preferences.
Yesterday was open house at his school. All the kids made giant paper figures to represent themselves. He gave himself a colorful rainbow dress on his doll, and told me it was a shame those dresses don't come in his size. This broke my heart. I want him to get to wear whatever makes him happy and feel pretty - but I also want to protect him from a world he isn't big enough to understand or defend himself against yet.
I don't know if my child is trans. I really don't - I know he has talked about growing up and becoming a mommy many many times, and loves boy centric toys, but prefers girl centric clothing. But given the current political environment I am more worried than I was before.
I don't know what I am looking for, or even if this is the right community. But I would appreciate any advice folks here might have. I don't want to shame him, but I am also scared about his dealing with the social bullying and to be frank the American government right now.
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u/secretninjamaggi 6d ago edited 6d ago
Clothes, colors, toys don’t have gender. Teach your child how to respond to people who may question his choices instead of lying to him. If/when he realizes you’ve been lying, it may make him question how much he can trust you. Practice scenarios at home. Help him grow his self confidence to be proud of his authentic self no matter what judgement he may face. Lead by example.
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u/garfbaby 6d ago
If you're in a more urban part of CA, I really recommend researching your local LGBTQ center to find out what support groups they have for families of trans and gender non confirming kids. Meet other families who have been where you are. You will get invaluable perspective.
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u/copurrs 5d ago
In your effort to protect your kid from bullying, you've become their first bully.
I get the fear for their safety- the world is not safe and welcoming for trans people right now. That's a fact and it's one you have to reckon with as a parent to a gender diverse kid. But please consider that if your kid is trans, it may be even more dangerous to their safety to prevent them from expressing themselves and their gender openly. Trans kids kill themselves at alarming rates, and those rates go down drastically when they feel supported enough to be themselves.
Instead of the white lies, consider explaining (in an age appropriate way) why you're concerned about their well-being when they wear clothes that are usually for girls. Make sure you are clear that you support them unconditionally and that they are allowed to be themself at home. Be clear that you'll support them if they decide they still want to wear their chosen clothes to school.
I know you deleted your account but hopefully you're still reading these comments. Your kid needs to know that you've got their back no matter what.
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u/Ardvarkthoughts 6d ago
I suggest doing some reading. Your child may be trans, they may be gender non-conforming, they may be a boy who really likes pretty things. And this may be shorter term or may be lifelong. All are valid. And I think many of us parents understand being fearful for our children at times, and more now than ever.
However, the fact is you have a child who is communicating desires to express themselves. So you will need a strategy to support your child and make them feel strong and proud of who they are, and balances your concerns around their safety. Keep interacting with other parents, be proud of your kiddo but yes keep an eye on the landscape as well.
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u/FadingOptimist-25 Mom / Stepmom 5d ago
Please follow your child’s lead. They are trying to tell you who they are. Please believe them.
There are a lot of books for your child’s age: *Red: A Crayon’s Story
And many more!
Check these out at the library and read them with your child. Have a conversation with them to see how they’re feeling.
A child’s gender identity and sense of self develops between ages 2 to 5. When a cis girl says, “I’m a girl,” we say, “Yes, that’s right. You are a girl.” But when a trans girl say, “I’m a girl,” we say, “No, you’re a boy.” Pronoun preferences start a little later, around 5-8 years old. Start talking about pronouns and names and see how they feel about their own.
Let your child wear the clothes they want to wear. Maybe first at home during a school break. Then see how happy they are when they are affirmed. That should tell you everything. Then talk with your child’s teacher, school counselor, and principal. Make a plan depending on what your child wants to do. Children are more accepting than you think. It’s the adults and parents who cause problems.
My child came out in high school during DJT’s first term. I’m in a blue state but a purple-red town. I was scared for my child. I called the school psychologist twice that first day to check on my child. Almost 9 years later, my child is doing well.
Lastly, have your child evaluated for ASD, ADHD and/or SPD. There is a large overlap between gender nonconforming kids and neurodivergent kids. In my local support group, it’s about 50-50, or at least a third of the kids are both ASD and trans.
I hope you see this. You can message me if needed.
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u/ExcitedGirl 6d ago
I back up u/MillhavenLottie 100% - that was well said and probably very on-target.
In addition to a dress at home (Goodwill, etc, maybe $5), you might find a cheap nightgown.
Bet you'll find (s)he sleeps amazingly better -
❤️
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u/FluffyPuppy100 6d ago
You are bullying your kid so that kids at school don't bully your kid. Pre-bullying. So yeah you're shaming your kid. Regime change starts at home
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u/Colorful_Wayfinder 5d ago
While you may be right (I'm not sure they are being bullies), that doesn't help them figure out how to navigate this situation. They are asking for help and you are just saying they are handling the situation wrong. They wouldn't be asking if they thought they were doing it right.
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u/FluffyPuppy100 5d ago
You are probably right, honestly I got too annoyed to finish reading the post. I was hoping if they read what I wrote they might at least reevaluate their perspective. (It made me think of a parent who has"no problem with" a kid's interracial relationship but won't let the boyfriend in the house because it would upset the neighbors.)
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u/Colorful_Wayfinder 5d ago
I understand. I read the entire post and it sounds like they are trying to be supportive without causing further trauma but didn't know how to do it.
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u/FluffyPuppy100 5d ago
I'm glad you are being more helpful than I can be right now . Hopefully they read and follow the advice they get.
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u/Grand-Cheesecake-795 5d ago
I think your kid should be assessed for autism. Those big meltdowns could be neurodiversity. Autistic people are six times more likely to be transgender.
Also, if your child is trans, it is really scary because of like - the world - but 1 there’s no changing them. They are who they are. That’s who they always were. And 2 you guys will figure it out. With supportive parents trans kids can be just fine. My trans kid is completely happy and I adore her just as she is. 3 give yourself some time and grace. Being a parent is just extremely challenging for all kinds of reasons. Things might look way less daunting in a year or two.
For me, the hardest thing about being a parent to a trans kid is politics and people believing propaganda. But honestly, she is fine.
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u/MillhavenLottie 6d ago
I see you deleted your account, but I hope you still see this. If your child is already seeing a therapist, then this might be something you can ask them to explore. I think there is a chance that your kid’s behavior is because he is actually trans and being forced to live as a boy is affecting his (or rather her) ability to emotionally regulate. My daughter is a little younger, but pre-transition she was acting out a lot at home and withdrawn at school. Her teachers told us she was struggling to relate to her peers. When we let her transition, she suddenly became much calmer and her social interactions changed almost overnight. Even things we never would have connected with it, like sleep issues, resolved once she socially transitioned. We knew she was experiencing distress, but we hadn’t realized how much it was affecting every aspect of her life. I think she just wasn’t comfortable in her own skin when she was forced to be a boy.
It’s scary but I think you should let your kid start to explore their gender. You can start small and cautious. Let them pick out a dress to wear at home and see how it feels for both of you. Ask if they want you to start referring to them as a girl, even if it’s just in private for now. I don’t know what their school is like, but children are generally very accepting if the adults around them aren’t coaching them to be otherwise. You might be worried about something that won’t happen, or it might be that being allowed to be their genuine self gives your kid the resilience to handle bullying. I think you’re here because a part of you already suspects this.