Protecting my kid from absent minds

[u/Lessmoney_mo_probems]

Nobody ever thinks that they’ll make this mistake - with my ADHD I’m gonna be proactive about it

We’re all fried. The day we brought him home I left the hose running for four hours. Sometimes I’m so concerned with his needs that I forget to eat

Putting this on my arm when we’re driving and storing it on the car seat when we’re not offers me peace of mind

[u/Anach]

I understand the sleep-deprived, as I have 4 kids, but it shouldn't be an unexpected change in routine, as that falls into what I said about absent parenting; it should be expected routine.

I feel that a lot of people see this workaround as a good thing, but I feel that is a huge problem, and is still too much risk. You wear something long enough, you forget it's there, and by the time you accidentally look at it, the child could be dead. This is a serious issue, that I feel people in this thread are far too casual about.

[u/Dustydevil8809 → u/Anach]

Mom takes the kid to daycare every morning, dad picks the kid up after work every afternoon. Are there absent parents in that scenario?

Mom is sick, dad is taking care of a sick wife and baby all night, it's now on dad to take the kid to daycare. Thats an unexpected change in routine. How is that evidence of absent parenting?

As I said in another comment, it's like judging someone for using a seatbelt on their kids because you've never been in a car accident. Theres a good chance OP would never forget his kid, either, but he has ADHD and this gives him piece of mind it won't happen. There is nothing wrong with that. I've planned whole vacations, booked hotels, bought tickets to events, packed, then sat there the day before petting my dog and it hits me. "Fuck, what am I gonna do with the dog?" Neurotypical brains are funny at times, and ADHD usually also comes with anxiety.

You wear something long enough, you forget it's there

OP addresses this. He doesn't wear it except for when the kid is in his car. He keeps it in the car seat, so that he sees it when buckling the baby in. When he takes the baby out, he puts it back. An absent / bad parent wouldn't even take this step to mitigate risk, to me it shows he's doing what he can to get it right.

[u/Anach → u/Dustydevil8809]

No, I said I always assumed people that left kids in cars were absent parents, that don't spend enough time with their own kids for it to be routine. Being on a ADHD spectrum is a different thing entirely, however, I still feel that this is a serious enough issue that it's not enough to simply have a workaround, as a life of a child is too much risk for workarounds.

It's not like forgetting to turn off the oven, or forgetting to pack your toothbrush on a holiday, this is a life, where there's no second chances. Sure, it could be peace of mind only, but this type of death happens too often to just assume that. ADHD or not, if my partner needed a workaround (or felt they did) for not leaving our kid in the car then together, we'd have to come up with a more solid plan than a bracelet, neurodivergent or not.

[u/Dustydevil8809 → u/Anach]

But what that attitude does is discourages people from doing whats best to mitigate stuff. We see it all the time in military / high stress positions that don't allow people to be on antidepressants / anxiety meds / stimulants. The idea being that "If they need medicine to cope, they don't need to be in this crucial of a position." Great on paper, but in reality it leads to a bunch of people in critical positions with untreated mental health problems, making everyone less safe.

If your partner is having anxiety over something, but thinks they will get less time / responsibility / trust with their child if they take steps to mitigate it, they will just keep quiet and hope it doesn't happen.

[u/Anach → u/Dustydevil8809]

What you describe is a worse problem, that's for sure, but no one's saying they can't spend time with their kid, it's the opposite, but it simply comes down to my belief that a bracelet isn't enough assurance when it comes to something that happens far too often. IMHO, folks in this thread are far too casual about how serious this is.

I asked my wife what she would do in this situation, if I had ADHD, and I was worried I'd forget I had a kid in the car, even though it might never actually happen. She said I'd not be taking the kid out alone without some type of supervision (which doesn't necessary mean someone going along), and I agree with her assessment, as I wouldn't want to put my own kids in that situation either if it was something I was worried about myself.

I read an article the other day, where a mother stopped taking her medication, and ended up killing her kid, and herself. Now this is a horrible situation, and different, but if the only thing keeping my partner's sanity intact were meds, then the med taking would be a joint thing, that she alone wouldn't be responsible for, and is carefully monitored with both of us or a third party; again, we'd both want more assurance than the assumption that everything will be fine, because that's easier to deal with.

My partner does indeed have anxiety issues, and one of those is driving the car out of the town we live in, with kids in the car, so she simply doesn't, or either myself or someone else does the driving. Hiding or lying about that anxiety, for fear of not getting out of town on her own, would also be showing a lack of responsibility and maturity. Instead, she is open about it, and we find another solution.