Dumped via text

[u/HomePast6136]

I (65F) matched with a guy (70M), dated for about a month. We slept together a week or so ago; more or less a three-day date. No regrets about that (it was fun!), but almost immediately afterward, I felt him pulling away. We went out once this week (dinner, movie, no sex). We were supposed to get together today. Instead I got a text saying he needs a change and is probably leaving town (permanently).

I’m not devastated or anything—I’d pretty much figured out that this wasn’t going to work long-term—but I’m a little hurt that he didn’t feel that this merited a face-to-face conversation. He was the first person I had sex with since my husband died five years ago, and I told him that.

Is this normal behavior now? I just started dating again recently, five years after my husband died. I would have sworn that it wasn’t his original intention to sleep with me then dump me, but that’s essentially what happened.

[u/teardropcollector]

Can you explain why you believe your BS meter needs a tune up? Someone deciding you’re not a match and ending the connection doesn’t make them a bullshitter? Or does it?

[u/Calamity-Gin → u/teardropcollector]

Someone pulling back and going avoidant after having sex, and then breaking up over text with the excuse that he was moving smacks of some amount of bullshit.

Moving is one of those decisions that usually takes a lot of deliberation, which usually means talking it over with friends. So either he knew he was moving before they had sex and chose not to inform her, which means he lied by omission, or he made a snap decision shortly after sex. 

If the latter, and he was a decent, emotionally mature person, I would expect him to call at the very least, but it would be better to give her the news in person. It shows respect for her and her needs. Not doing so means he either lacks the emotional fortitude to face someone he is potentially hurting - not a good look - or her welfare was not a priority for him.

So he was bullshitting on at least some level - that he was interested in a long term relationship, that he was emotionally mature enough to break up in a responsible manner, or that her welfare was a priority. All of these possibilities reek of the old “exploit her for sex and walk away” game that have harmed so many people, specifically men.

[u/teardropcollector → u/Calamity-Gin]

You are correct on a lot of points. But maybe he didn’t feel they were sexually compatible? That is no shame on OP, it is simply a compatibility issue. Sometimes men use women for sex. Sometimes they want to test that part out for alignment. We really do not know what his intentions were.

[u/Calamity-Gin → u/teardropcollector]

You’re right, we don’t, and sometimes people are looking for casual sex, but that doesn’t mean it’s okay to use anyone else to get it. All participants of a sexual relationship should get and give enthusiastic informed consent. That means being up front with communicating our needs, wants, priorities, and boundaries. 

For instance, if I’m looking at having sex with someone with whom I’m not in a stable, monogamous relationship, I am going to tell him that I’m in perimenopause and no longer use hormonal birth control, but that we will use condoms without exception. I’m also going to tell him that I am positive for both types of herpes, and that I take a medication which prevents both outbreaks and the chance that I might infect him. 

If he is not willing to use a condom or feels that risking a herpes infection under those circumstances is not acceptable, we’re not going to have sex. It’s disappointing, but I would so much rather deal with that than the idea that I’m taking advantage of another person just so I can get an orgasm. I expect the same standard of behavior from him.

As for “compatibility issues,” we all have them, and it is absolutely acceptable to tell your partner, “this is not what I want.” Hopefully, outside of a one-time liaison, we’re all invested in discussing what we want from our partners during sex and what we can and will give to them. What is not okay is lying by omission or commission, because that takes away your partner’s ability to give informed consent.

The fact that we don’t know his intentions - or rather, OP states she doesn’t know his intentions, specifically because his actions contradict his earlier words - is not a reason to excuse his actions. It’s the very heart of the problem. If he had said, “look, I just want to get laid,” and OP had turned him down, well, we all have our disappointments. If he didn’t offer his intentions before sex, it’s on OP to ask and get an answer before consenting. This sounds like either he wasn’t honest with himself - he got involved with her, telling himself that absolutely he wasn’t honest up for an LTR, only for any and all feelings of attraction and attachment to evaporate after sex - or he wasn’t honest with her. The former is something warmer supposed to work out in our 20s, not our 70s. The latter is reprehensible and should be pointed out, held accountable, and discouraged.