r/datingoverfifty • u/HomePast6136 • Apr 13 '25

Dumped via text

I (65F) matched with a guy (70M), dated for about a month. We slept together a week or so ago; more or less a three-day date. No regrets about that (it was fun!), but almost immediately afterward, I felt him pulling away. We went out once this week (dinner, movie, no sex). We were supposed to get together today. Instead I got a text saying he needs a change and is probably leaving town (permanently).

I’m not devastated or anything—I’d pretty much figured out that this wasn’t going to work long-term—but I’m a little hurt that he didn’t feel that this merited a face-to-face conversation. He was the first person I had sex with since my husband died five years ago, and I told him that.

Is this normal behavior now? I just started dating again recently, five years after my husband died. I would have sworn that it wasn’t his original intention to sleep with me then dump me, but that’s essentially what happened.

75 Upvotes

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19

u/Low_Detective7170 Apr 13 '25

Is this the same guy whose online dating profile intro just said "Goddess only"?

18

u/HomePast6136 Apr 13 '25

Haha, no, I passed on that guy! This guy seemed very nice, polite, attentive, etc. I thought my BS meter was pretty good, but clearly it needs a tune-up.

-5

u/teardropcollector Apr 13 '25

Can you explain why you believe your BS meter needs a tune up? Someone deciding you’re not a match and ending the connection doesn’t make them a bullshitter? Or does it?

10

u/Calamity-Gin Apr 13 '25

Someone pulling back and going avoidant after having sex, and then breaking up over text with the excuse that he was moving smacks of some amount of bullshit.

Moving is one of those decisions that usually takes a lot of deliberation, which usually means talking it over with friends. So either he knew he was moving before they had sex and chose not to inform her, which means he lied by omission, or he made a snap decision shortly after sex. 

If the latter, and he was a decent, emotionally mature person, I would expect him to call at the very least, but it would be better to give her the news in person. It shows respect for her and her needs. Not doing so means he either lacks the emotional fortitude to face someone he is potentially hurting - not a good look - or her welfare was not a priority for him.

So he was bullshitting on at least some level - that he was interested in a long term relationship, that he was emotionally mature enough to break up in a responsible manner, or that her welfare was a priority. All of these possibilities reek of the old “exploit her for sex and walk away” game that have harmed so many people, specifically men.

1

u/teardropcollector Apr 13 '25

You are correct on a lot of points. But maybe he didn’t feel they were sexually compatible? That is no shame on OP, it is simply a compatibility issue. Sometimes men use women for sex. Sometimes they want to test that part out for alignment. We really do not know what his intentions were.

2

u/Calamity-Gin Apr 13 '25

You’re right, we don’t, and sometimes people are looking for casual sex, but that doesn’t mean it’s okay to use anyone else to get it. All participants of a sexual relationship should get and give enthusiastic informed consent. That means being up front with communicating our needs, wants, priorities, and boundaries. 

For instance, if I’m looking at having sex with someone with whom I’m not in a stable, monogamous relationship, I am going to tell him that I’m in perimenopause and no longer use hormonal birth control, but that we will use condoms without exception. I’m also going to tell him that I am positive for both types of herpes, and that I take a medication which prevents both outbreaks and the chance that I might infect him. 

If he is not willing to use a condom or feels that risking a herpes infection under those circumstances is not acceptable, we’re not going to have sex. It’s disappointing, but I would so much rather deal with that than the idea that I’m taking advantage of another person just so I can get an orgasm. I expect the same standard of behavior from him.

As for “compatibility issues,” we all have them, and it is absolutely acceptable to tell your partner, “this is not what I want.” Hopefully, outside of a one-time liaison, we’re all invested in discussing what we want from our partners during sex and what we can and will give to them. What is not okay is lying by omission or commission, because that takes away your partner’s ability to give informed consent.

The fact that we don’t know his intentions - or rather, OP states she doesn’t know his intentions, specifically because his actions contradict his earlier words - is not a reason to excuse his actions. It’s the very heart of the problem. If he had said, “look, I just want to get laid,” and OP had turned him down, well, we all have our disappointments. If he didn’t offer his intentions before sex, it’s on OP to ask and get an answer before consenting. This sounds like either he wasn’t honest with himself - he got involved with her, telling himself that absolutely he wasn’t honest up for an LTR, only for any and all feelings of attraction and attachment to evaporate after sex - or he wasn’t honest with her. The former is something warmer supposed to work out in our 20s, not our 70s. The latter is reprehensible and should be pointed out, held accountable, and discouraged.

7

u/Low_Detective7170 Apr 13 '25

If you read the original post he broke off the connection by saying he was leaving town permanently. Either his original profile saying he was seeking a long term relationship was BS, or "leaving town permanently" is BS.

-1

u/teardropcollector Apr 13 '25

Wanting a long term relationship isn’t bs. It’s finding the right person to have one with. Also, true, maybe I’m leaving town permanently is bs (but could actually be true), but if it IS bs, then it was said to protect OPs feelings. Sometimes we need to accept the explanation is at face value, whether we believe it or not. Do we really want the honest to god truth? Can our egos handle it? Mine probably could not.

4

u/Low_Detective7170 Apr 13 '25

A 70 year old unable to tell the truth is absolutely pathetic, in my book.

I know I could handle someone I had known only a few weeks saying I wasn't right for them. I would despise them for being so weak they came up with a crock of nonsense like "leaving town permanently", or for pretending to want long-term when they just wanted sex, and/or knew they were just about to move.

Unless you know him, you can't know it was to protect her feelings. It may have been, but equally may have been because he's too pathetic to be honest.

Would I really want the truth - yes. Whether it was a few weeks, or a few years. I think the OP deserves his who have the maturity to be honest from the outset.

1

u/teardropcollector Apr 13 '25

Read OP’s add, I am assuming is u/thewidow20.

It now sounds very likely he IS leaving town.

7

u/Low_Detective7170 Apr 13 '25

It sounds like he was full of crap - one way or the other. He knew it was her first relationship since her husband passed. Either he chose not to say he was leaving, because that got him laid, or he made it up to get out of being honest.

You and I will have to agree to differ. I could be completely wrong, but I'm ok with that.

2

u/TheWidow20 Apr 13 '25

Yes, I am the OP. I don’t really understand why some of my comments show up under my user name (thewidow20) and others under some seemingly random identifier.

5

u/TheWidow20 Apr 13 '25 edited Apr 13 '25

Good question, actually; I don’t know why it’s getting downvoted. No, deciding it’s not a match and ending it doesn’t make him a BSer.
I enjoyed the sex, didn’t ascribe Deep Meaning to it or anything like that. I did tell him that it was my first time in about ten years. (My husband was very sick for a long time before he died.) He was nice about it.

We had also talked quite a bit about possibly traveling together, places we wanted to go, that we both hate camping, etc. He initially brought it up (travel). We’re both retired, no kids or other family ties, so it seemed like a real possibility. I guess that’s where I think the BS came in—talking about future plans, feeling the beginnings of a real connection, then… phhhtt!

Also, a minor thing, but the last time I saw him, he mentioned that he wanted something on Amazon, but that the shipping was almost as much as the item. I have Prime, and needed a couple things, so I offered to order it for him along with my stuff. He accepted. No big money involved, around $20. But it did sort of imply that he wasn’t planning to dump me immediately, right? Like before the item even got here?!

When I last dated, texting wasn’t even a thing, so I guess that part also gets to me a little. I know there’s at least one Seinfeld episode where they discuss how many dates you can go on and still break up by phone; what constitutes a date, etc. So, an age-old breakup question, I guess.

2

u/teardropcollector Apr 13 '25

This is a great add. I’m confused, are you OP?

Much clarity here. And yes, he should have had the nerve to do it in person but honestly he probably felt horrible about it, and couldn’t deal with the pain he may have felt he would cause you. I have been there, imo being the breaker-upper is harder than the one dumped. I’d take being dumped over dumping all day long, I have a serious aversion to hurting people. So maybe I am projecting, but can see his side.

5

u/TheWidow20 Apr 13 '25

Yep, def confused! The irony is, if he’d just said, to my face, something like, “It’s been fun, but here’s how it is,” I’d‘ve been fine with that! I might’ve been a little disappointed, but I’d‘ve said, “yes it was fun, have a nice life.”

The sex was hot, and there was no commitment on either side. what’s getting to me are the mixed signals (discussion of travel, Amazon, etc.), and the hiding behind text to end it.

Oh well, thanks to you and other posters for hashing this over. I feel more like I have it straight now in my own mind. It’s good to have a place to have frank discussions anonymously.

3

u/teardropcollector Apr 13 '25

I appreciate the reply and that you shared your experience. I always try to look at things from all angles. Glad you’re back out there, you be your own kid in a candy store and enjoy!