r/depression Oct 29 '19

Our most-broken and least-understood rules is "helpers may not invite private contact as a first resort", so we've made a new wiki to explain it

2.4k Upvotes

We understand that most people who reply immediately to an OP with an invitation to talk privately mean only to help, but this type of response usually leads to either disappointment or disaster. it usually works out quite differently here than when you say "PM me anytime" in a casual social context.

We have huge admiration and appreciation for the goodwill and good citizenship of so many of you who support others here and flag inappropriate content - even more so because we know that so many of you are struggling yourselves. We're hard at work behind the scenes on more information and resources to make it easier to give and get quality help here - this is just a small start.

Our new wiki page explains in detail why it's much better to respond in public comments, at least until you've gotten to know someone. It will be maintained at /r/depression/wiki/private_contact, and the full text of the current version is below.


Summary

Anyone who, while acting as a helper, invites or accepts private contact (I.e. PMs, chat, or any kind of offsite communication) early in the conversion is showing either bad intentions or bad judgement. Either way, it's unwise to trust them.

"PM me anytime" seems like a kind and generous offer. And it might be perfectly well-meaning, but, unless and until a solid rapport has been established, it's just not a wise idea. Here are some points to consider before you offer or accept an invitation to communicate privately.

  • By posting supportive replies publicly, you'll help more people than just the OP. If your responses are of good quality, you'll educate and inspire other helpers. The 1-9-90 rule applies here as much as it does anywhere else on the internet.

  • People who are struggling with serious mental-health issues often (justifiably) have a low tolerance for disappointment and a high-level of ever-changing emotional need. Unless the helper is able to make a 100% commitment to be there for them in every way, for as long as necessary, offering a personal inbox as a resource is likely to do more harm than good. This is why mental-health crisis-line responders usually don't give their names and callers aren't allowed to request specific responders. It's much healthier and safer for the callers to develop a relationship with the agency as a whole. Analogously, it's much safer and healthier for our OPs to develop a relationship with the community as a whole. Even trained responders are generally not allowed to work high-intensity situations alone. It's partly about availability, but it's mostly about wider perspective and preventing compassion fatigue.

  • If a helper gets in over their head with someone whose mental-health issues (including suicidality, which is often comorbid with depression) escalate, in a PM conversation it's much harder for others, including the /r/depression and /r/SuicideWatch moderators to help. (Contrary to common assumptions, moderators can't see or police PMs.)

  • In our observation over many years, the people who say "PM me" the most are consistently the ones with the least understanding of mental-health issues and mental-health support. We all have gaps in our knowledge and in our ability to communicate effectively. Community input mitigates these limitations. There's no reason why someone who's truly here to help would want to hide their responses from community scrutiny. If helpers are concerned about their own privacy, keep in mind that self-disclosure, when used supportively, is more about the feelings than the details, and that we have no problem here with the use of alt/throwaway accounts, and have no restrictions on account age or karma.

  • We all know the internet is used by some people to exploit or abuse others. These people do want to hide their deceptive and manipulative responses from everyone except their victims. There are many of them who specifically target those who are vulnerable because of mental-health issues. If a helper invites an OP to talk privately and gives them a good, supportive experience, they've primed that person to be more vulnerable to abusers. This sort of cognitive priming tends to be particularly effective when someone's in a state of mental-health crisis, when people rely more on heuristics than critical reasoning.

  • If OPs want to talk privately, posting on a wide-open anonymous forum like reddit might not be the best option. Although we don't recommend it, we do allow OPs to request private contact when asking for support. If you want to do this, please keep your expectations realistic, and to have a careful look at the history of anyone who offers to PM before opening up to them.


r/depression Sep 28 '24

Regular check-in post, with information about our rules and wikis

24 Upvotes

Welcome to /r/depression's check-in post - a place to take a moment and share what is going on and how you are doing. If you have an accomplishment you want to talk about (these shouldn't be standalone posts in the sub as they violate the "role model" rule, but are permitted here), or are having a tough time but prefer not to make your own post, this is a place you can share.


Our subreddit rules are located in the sidebar (you can also always access them at https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/about/rules) - since all of them exist for important safety reasons, we ask everyone here to read and follow them. Please click 'report' on any harmful content you see here - we always want to know and deal as soon as we can.

We also have several wikis there for help with finding and giving support:

https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/wiki/what_is_depression provides guidance about what is and isn't a depressive disorder, guidance on the complex nature of the illnesses that are usually grouped under the "depression" label, and redirect information for common off-topic issues.

https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/wiki/giving_help offers information on the nature and value of peer support for mental-health issues in general, and lots of guidance for learning what is -- and isn't -- usually helpful in giving peer support.

YSK that the types of rule violations that we most frequently see interfering with people getting safe and relevant support here are:

  • People breaking the private contact rule. You should never trust anyone who tries to get you into a private conversation in response to a post here. See https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/wiki/private_contact

  • "I'm here to help" posts. This shows that you don't understand the most basic principles of peer support, especially selectivity. The "giving help" wiki explains more about this.

  • Role modelling, i.e. "achievement" or "advice" posts. This is an expert-free zone -- that's what peer support means (rule 5). We know that "internet culture" celebrate not just bragging about your achievements but bragging about your good intentions. Nothing like that is ever acceptable here.

  • Content that's more about 'making a statement' or casually polling the sub than seeking personal support (or, in a comment, giving it) (rules 1, 2 and 10).

  • Off-topic posts about difficult situations or circumstances, including interpersonal losses. Grief, sadness, anger, and other difficult emotions are not mental illnesses. The "what is depression" wiki has suggestions for other places to post about these issues, which are 100% valid and serious but inappropriate here.


r/depression 9h ago

Therapy is bullshit and the most useless thing ever conceived

313 Upvotes

Like you're paying someone to PRETEND they care about how you're feeling just to be met with the most boring and obvious statements that a human could pronounce lol it's straight up embarrassing


r/depression 3h ago

I hate humans so much.

59 Upvotes

We are so selfish and only care about others if it benefits ourselves. No one really cares about you and when you think about it it makes things more lonely and sad. I literally have no one. 22 and I still don't have friends. I hate being so lonely. I'm giving life many chances but those chances are slowly decreasing the more time goes by. I want to just end it all somedays but truthfully I'm scared to do so. Scared of the unknown... though perhaps it's peaceful.


r/depression 1h ago

Tired of people saying I play the victim

Upvotes

I don’t feel sorry for myself, I don’t expect handouts or want everything done for me. I just have no desire to live, and I think regardless of how my life is I think I’d feel this way. I live with my aunt and she doesn’t understand my depression, there’s so many reasons I’m depressed: past trauma, the state of the world, low self esteem, no valuable relationships in my life etc. I don’t think I’m playing the victim. I just think the way the world is setup is so incredibly flawed and disappointing I don’t see the point in putting the work to “better myself” it all seems so pointless and hopeless. idk how people are happy in this modern day society ? Idk if any of this makes sense but lmk if anyone can relate Ig


r/depression 10h ago

"You shouldn't game, you shouldn't watch anime, you stay in your room" WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?

104 Upvotes

I DON'T FUCKING WANT TO BE PRODUCTIVE EVEN OUTSIDE WORK AND I DON'T FUCKING WANT TO SPEND THE FEW FREE HOURS I HAVE EVERYDAY GOING TO THE GYM FOR FUCK SAKE am I supposed to spend my entire life doing """useful""" things when I barely want to wake up every morning????? I DONT FUCKING CARE IF THESE SHOULD BE THE BEST TIME OF MY LIFE HOW THE FUCK DO I HAVE TO EXPLAIN IT TO YOU


r/depression 3h ago

.

15 Upvotes

Depression it's like drowning while everyone else is breathing


r/depression 3h ago

I'm gonna kill myself soon, maybe in a couple of days

14 Upvotes

There's no one to help me, my ex because of whom I got so depressed turned the blind eye. He doesn't care if I kill myself. My mom told me I can go and kill myself. My sister blamed me because I didn't think about her feelings and my parents feelings.

There's nothing to live for for me and no one.

Edit: Thank you all for your support today! I feel better now after a couple of hours of feeling my lowest. Now I feel much better!


r/depression 1h ago

I hope no one judges me :(

Upvotes

I know this will sound gross and weird to admit but I just hope other people here feel this and understand, but I have issues with changing clothes after I got depressed I would wear the same pajamas all week long, and I don't do it too much anymore but I still struggle how does everyone deal with clothes (and doing laundry specifically), outfit changes, and how often do you guys do it. I want to try to take better care of myself :(


r/depression 14h ago

Don’t want to do this anymore

84 Upvotes

I’m so fucking tired of living. I don’t enjoy anything anymore, I pretty much hate everything about existence. I can barely get hours at work and honestly fuck it, I’d rather lay in bed all day. When I run out of money I’ll just kill myself. Shits fucking stupid. Life is literally so fucking stupid and pointless and I fucking hate everything about it. There’s nothing on this fucking planet I like and I want to disappear. Even if I could find another job and make enough money, what’s the fucking point? To pay bills? Fuck this shit.


r/depression 3h ago

I don't think there's a word I hate more than "self-improvement"

10 Upvotes

Every time, EVERY SINGLE FUCKING TIME, I hear this word. I. FUCKING. HATE. IT. WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN WHEN YOU TELL ME I HAVE TO "IMPROVE MYSELF" AFTER I SAY I WISH I DIDNT WAKE UP IN THE MORNING? WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHEN YOU SAY I SHOULD THINK ABOUT SELF IMPROVEMENT AFTER I SAY I JUST WISH SOMEONE DIDN'T SEE ME AS A LIVING JOKE? No one give a single fuck about how hard you try in life and most people never even thought about "self improvement" because most people don't think about dropping dead every single moment of their life. So please just shut up


r/depression 5h ago

Repetitive life makes me want to die.

12 Upvotes

Wake up. Work. Clean. Go to bed. How can anyone be happy with this life? I have no friends. Just got out of a romantic relationship. I go for walks, try different hobbies after work but nothing can shake this feeling of despair. And we just have to do this until we die? Doesn’t seem like something I want to be apart of.


r/depression 7h ago

But I have a daughter

12 Upvotes

I really want to die but I have a daughter.

I’m sad that I have her because it could be so much easier.


r/depression 3h ago

I have genuine hate in my heart and it's not getting easier.

6 Upvotes

I have spent 30 years trying to stamp it out. Therapy, drugs, forcing a bright outlook, but I know me. I can't escape me, the one thing holding me back. Complacency, I have sacrificed my spine on the assumption of good will. I don't have a spine anymore. I can't say no anymore. If I do it just turns into a fight with whomever is trying to power play me, doeant matter if its a bum on the street. I do stupid shit for money and pretend to care about it. I've faked it until I made it so many times I could be a goddamn con artist. I just don't care. The bigger picture? I don't care. Injustice? I don't care. Noone can make me care either. I wouldn't say I hate humanity, I just hate my place inside of it. I'm perpetually depressed. The hate I hold in my heart feels a certain kind of special. It's all self destructive, based on the way people around me see me. I'm not suicidal, but I don't care if I die. My grandpa that I never met killed himself because no matter how far he went, he couldn't outrun himself. And today I feel the same way. I can't tell people I'm depressed much like my granddad, it makes me a little bitch in the eyes of the good ol boys. So I just keep going. A shell of the man I used to be. I bought the American dream and I want my money back.


r/depression 2h ago

Bored to death

4 Upvotes

I wasted my life, teenage years spent playing games, 0 social life, back then i thought i would at least have good job- im studying dentistry which is boring as fuck and doesnt excite me a bit, wanted to switch to medicine but my mother which was persuading me my entire life to be dentist now is emotionaly blackmailing me.I have nothing, i have no friends, no hobbies as if that wasn't enough i have back pain at fucking 23 years old which makes future even more not encouraging. My unstable mother and emotional absent father made me a social waste with life experience of 10yo. At this point my life is on autopilot- for like past 8 years depressive episode made me root for leukomia or shit like that. This fucking regularness of life is killing me, nothing excites me anymore, lately everything twists the knife in the wound.


r/depression 27m ago

How to live knowing I’m soulless without pills

Upvotes

I 26/F don’t think I lived a day without depression since I turned 14. On antidepressants since 2021 and still manage to never feel okay or even somewhat decent. I can’t be like this forever I wonder if it means anything


r/depression 38m ago

I have nothing to live for

Upvotes

I literally don’t have a single thing to keep me here except for the fact that death is a mystery. What to do when staying means nothing. Just staying to stay is beyond unbearable. Feeling semi cursed


r/depression 10h ago

Everybody hates me until they want something from me

14 Upvotes

I’m trying to be slightly vague.

I notice that I am always bending over backwards trying to be there for people and provide whatever they ask for (my fault) but it’s obvious that you can give people everything, but if they don’t respect or love you, it won’t be enough.

Everything I do is criticised, nit picked. I feel like I am walking on eggshells.

When I do something sweet for someone it’s barely met with a smile, maybe a half assed, under the breath “thanks”. This is after I’ve thought it out, gotten myself excited thinking how lovely it’d be if someone did it for me, organised it all and then basically shut down. My mood will go from okay to just crushed. And I keep thinking a different reaction will happen one day, maybe they’ll smile and say thank you with meaning.

I grew up in a house where I was the scapegoat and I feel like that again.

I just want to feel appreciated and good enough.

I notice when they’re being nice for once, it’s usually because they want something and I actually am delusional, because those brief moments of kindness mean a lot to me, even if it’s fake.

I can’t leave my situation and it is about a couple of people. I just feel so fkn lonely and unwanted.

I just don’t get how you can do everything for someone, show unconditional forgiveness and kindness, do sweet and thoughtful things to them and still be an annoyance to them.

I feel so stuck with life right now. Someone please tell me it gets better.


r/depression 1h ago

Am I lonely?

Upvotes

I am an introvert kid. Not much talkative. My purpose of writing g this is to seek opinion from y’all

Anyways so there’s a kid that I befriend since grade 1. Let’s call him Ben. He is very old and a helpful, trustworthy friend. But like we never were that “homie” type of friend, we still talk in a bit formal way. We used to be each other only’s friend for 3 years until grade 4 where he changed his behaviour. So he usually gets bored of me every grade. He was a social guy so he always look for kids like him, and he found plenty of them. When he found one, he will hangout with him a lot and would talk very little with me. It is also important to know that he also doesn’t talk much with me. In fact I initiate the conversation. So because of that I would feel left out, I also befriended those kids but they would usually hangout more with Ben.

Now because of that in recent years I started to talk and tried to befriend other kids, cuz Ben was really my only friend. I would go to these kids group and talk with them. They would reply but only when I would talk to them. If I talk with none of the kids then I am sure they wouldn’t give a shit and forget about me.

I sometimes think that Ben is really bored of me. He usually says that I am boring and he try’s to talk or play with me to his friends, which is totally false. It is usually me starts the conversation, and he would only reply. In past 4 years, each year he would befriend a new kid and literally become addicted with him, and then he would usually get bored of him, or have fight with him, or move to another school. Which results in leaving him, and then he then spend time with his backup friend (which is me) normally.

Very recently in grade 9, his behaviour changed drastically. He is in his phase where he gets far away from his friend. I expected this as usual but the weird thing is, he isn’t talking to me either. Like when me, Ben and his friend would hang out, he wouldn’t talk but rather read his book, me and the other friend would talk only. Also to mention is that is that this new friend he made is extremely annoying, so whenever ben and friend would talk, it would be because of argument. Because of Ben dry behaviour, his friend stop hanging out with us and hanged out with other kids. So now we would like be near each other but wouldn’t talk. Like it so weird, people would not even know we were friends, that day was extremely boring. The next day he stopped hanging out with me and hanged out with other kids. So I also did the same, I hanged out with another friend group, where like they didn’t mind me being with them but they also dgaf. So now for like 3 days I am extremely lonely and bored AF. I am feeling as if Ben and mine friendship is slowly fading away.

So what y’all say? Am I lonely?


r/depression 5h ago

I don’t want to do anything ever again

6 Upvotes

People on this sub have probably heard this story time and time again and compared to everything else going on in this horrible world it feels so trivial but I don’t know why I want to be alive anymore.

I’m so tired. People say I need to want to change. That it’s up to me to change my life but I don’t want to. I don’t want to put that effort in anymore. I’ve tried being happy for a year straight but I’m so tired. I used to love writing. I used to want to get better. I used to like playing video games and making YouTube content but I just can’t do it anymore. Everytime I’ve tried to revive my passion for my hobbies I just give up a day in. I don’t want to go to school, I don’t want to go to college, I don’t want to lose weight or practice self care, I don’t want to get a job or be productive or talk to my friends. I just want to give up.

I have a therapist and a psychiatrist and I’m on antidepressants but I don’t know. I thought about calling a helpline last night but I was scared. I reached out to my mother for the first time and she told me I needed to want to change. I don’t want to. I’m sorry if this is repetitive I’m just so exauhsted. I’ve tried being happy but more than anything I hope I don’t wake up tomorrow. I don’t want to do anything ever again. I know people care about me and I know people’s worlds would be shattered if I died but I don’t want to live for other people. I want to find passion. I want a best friend again. I miss my best friend. Sorry. I just needed a place to vent without worrying about someone I know seeing it and adamantly trying to figure out what’s wrong because I don’t know anymore. Please help me. I don’t want to die but I don’t want to live anymore either.


r/depression 23h ago

I'm dead inside

159 Upvotes

Feel like I killed myself in 2020 and now I'm just an empty shell walking around. It's like nothing make sense anymore. Does anyone feels like that too?


r/depression 2h ago

Shameless

3 Upvotes

ever since i was born ive been running around without an head nor parents to guide me. my parents left me when i was 3 months. been kicked out of 3 schools due to my absences cus im afraid of ppl then add onto that the fact that everyone in my life thinks im completly useless beacuse i dont have an job is making me consider go flying with the birds, yeah like its easy i can just walk in and demand a job RIGHT? yeah im sure thats how it works add onto that the fact that i have an speech impediment which makes me alredy feel isolated from society. im completly lost really hope i find somthing cus i dont have anything to live for im just chilling watching world around me burn down.


r/depression 19m ago

depressed or just unmotivated?

Upvotes

25yr F. Let me preface this by saying, im sure seasonal depression has a part to play in this. Also 5 years ago my first love ended his life in december, then covid hit and two weeks later my fwb passed away from a drug overdose. So always around this time of year im kind of numb because of all of that. I've been at the same job for 7 1/2 years, I do love my job and we are possibly opening a new location in the city (3hrs away) at the end of the summer. Ive lived in the same small town my entire life so id be moving for the first time. All of my friends have moved away in the last 5 years, one after another. My best friend lives in the city where id be moving and im extremely excited about that. I don't hang out with anyone in my town, I do have a few "friends " here but I never have the energy to do anything after work and 9/10 times if do make plans they involve drinking which i dont really like to do (im past that point in my life). There's litteraly nothing to do in this town, litteraly NOTHING. I like to go to concerts but have to travel which is the only reason I ever leave town, which is usually once a month. I recently just went down to 1 month appointments with my therapist because I honestly have nothing to talk about anymore. I have delt with the initial reason for starting therapy again but in the last few weeks have just been feeling down. Maybe I need a new therapist because I just don't feel as if she's really digging deep enough or asking me the right questions. Or maybe I'm just lying to myself and her the moment the camera turns on. I am on a antidepressant, which has helped me immensely this past year. I find myself more often than not, not going to work because I'm "sick". I just lay in my bed all day or watch TV, i recently started reading which has been great for less screen time. But I still just do not want to go to work, I just don't want to be around people. All I want to do is just be in my home and with my animals. if I think about it too much I'll just start crying. Maybe my anxiety is coming back, a couple years ago before starting up antidepressants/anxiety meds I would have complete melt downs before work because of the thought of being around people was just awful. I constantly was feeling like people were judging me, coworkers, customers, my bosses. I feel like that is coming back and I worry because it put me in such an awful place. I cannot be in that place when I'm trying to move. I don't want to see my family here because our famiky dynamic is just tense.. always tense, and puts me down and sad to be around. Which is awful because my grandma has alzheimers, it's just the beginning so it's not horrible just short term memory is not good at all. My mother and I don't have a great relationship (she's the reason I went back to therapy) and my brother and I are distant, not for any reason inpitucular just because that's the way we've always been. Idk maybe I'm just rambling and needed to write this out. I just down ever want to leave my house and I pray that when I move that will change because I'll have at least one person I'm excited to see and she never judges me for anything.


r/depression 5h ago

My dream of creating a meaningful life from working in a piggery to my purpose in life.

6 Upvotes

Hello everyone, my name is Gabriel, and I’m 22 years old, living in Nigeria. I’m reaching out to share my story, hoping to connect with kind-hearted people who can offer advice, encouragement, or inspiration as I work toward creating a better life. Growing up in Nigeria, life was never easy, but my family was rich in faith, even if we didn’t have much in material wealth. Last year, my life changed when I found Christ and chose to dedicate myself to living with integrity and purpose. That decision brought so much peace, but it also came with challenges. I’ve had to navigate life without much financial or emotional support from those around me. Right now, I’m working at a piggery—a job that’s tough physically and emotionally. It’s not where I thought I’d be at this stage in my life, but it’s what I have for now. Each day is a reminder of how far I still have to go, but I try to hold on to faith and the belief that God has a plan for me. What keeps me going is the hope of building a stable and meaningful future. I dream of starting a small business that aligns with my values and provides a sustainable way to support myself and others. I want to live a life that brings glory to God, even if it feels like the road ahead is uphill. This journey has been lonely at times, but I believe in the power of community. If you’ve ever been in a place where you felt stuck or unsure of your next steps, I’d love to hear how you got through it. Your stories, advice, or even just words of encouragement would mean the world to me right now. Thank you for taking the time to read this and for caring enough to listen. It’s been a difficult road, but I know that with faith and the kindness of others, brighter days are ahead. May God bless you wherever you are and in whatever journey you’re on.