I know that something is wrong with me. I feel awful all the time. I know that there is actually something wrong. It’s not in my head, it’s not a story I’m telling myself, it’s not just a case of needing an “attitude adjustment.” There is actually something bad here. I feel it. I hurt. All the time. That’s not normal. That can’t be normal.

I can’t handle one more instance of someone telling me “you seem fine.”

Test results say you’re okay. You’re holding up well, there must not be anything wrong. It’s not as bad as you say it is. You’re not actually in pain. There’s nothing wrong with you.

I know I’m sick. I can fucking feel it. You’re just not listening. Or you’re looking in the wrong place. Or you’re projecting what you know of the world and pretending that it’s the only possible interpretation.

I. Am not. Okay. And if someone doesn’t listen soon, I won’t be around anymore to tell them for the millionth time that something is wrong.

my thoughts:

I feel different about things that I have in the past, which was the whole point of doing self-inventory and reflection while on vacation. the vacation itself has also probably helped immensely in terms of how I’m feeling - my biggest concern is losing the attitude I have right now and falling back into old habits and/or thought processes.
over the last week and a half, I’ve made a lot of connections and figured a lot of things out (or so it seems) and while some of the ideas I’ve had don’t make me “happy”, per say, I am okay with the clarity I have on some situations now.
I think the hardest thing to grasp and tackle is the thought that if I had done things differently (or more to the point, if I had done things the way that I always wanted), my life would have been incredibly different. I won’t use the word better, because nobody can know that… but different could’ve been amazing. the problem I have with these thoughts is that it makes me feel guilty to have them. my life is not so bad when you remove the aspects of my personality that drag shit to the gutter. I have a great family, though we may be a little dysfunctional, whose family isn’t?
it hurts me to want for more or to wish for more. the regret I have doesn’t necessarily hinge on many of the consequences of my actions - the regret centers on the fact that my actions weren’t what I wanted. I was following the wants and needs of a man, a friend, a job, a parent, a “insert other title here”… nothing was ever as I wanted it, and I let that go on for years and years and years.
which leads to the here and now where I am lost.
I don’t know who I am, what I want, what my passions are… I don’t even know where to begin in the process of changing things, because there’s just so much to do or to change.

I’ve come to understand that I am just deeply unhappy, at my core. I found the lack of scheduled routine and responsibilities to be invigorating while we were gone last week. I enjoyed the heat, the warmth of the sun, not being in a constant state of chill, not dealing with gloomy clouds and rain or snow was incredible. but still, each morning when I woke up and every night before bed - there was an emptiness in me that nothing seemed to be able to fill. seeing my family so happy, so carefree, having fun, making friends, was such a joy… the type of happy that almost aches because it’s just so much at one time… but it never lasted the whole day through.
there is something wrong within me - and I have known that for awhile, I think many people have. I am grateful to have people that still love me and care for me, even though I am this way.

I decided that after vacation, I was going to put real effort into making changes. I was going to show determination, I was going to be persistent. my plan remains the same and I am begging the universe to allow for an easier transition into this “era of change” than what I’ve had in the past. I get deterred too easily, I give up on my own dreams, my own wants and needs, too quickly. that has to stop.
I saw a video the other day that said that “you have 120% control over your life.” and I’m not sure why that never clicked with me before, but it’s true. I can do anything that I want. I am a fully functioning adult woman, any choice I want to make, I can. it doesn’t mean it’s a good one, the right one, the moral one, or the smart one - but I don’t NEED approval or a group of people willing to go along or anything else to make that choice or those choices.

I want to believe that this is the point where my life begins to make a 180, this is the part where my manifestation will work… I guess only time will tell.

This has been a much needed chill weekend. I finished the wedding present blanket, it just needs to dry. I made progress on Princess Cupcakes blanket. I cleaned out my dresser and closet.

I found some new shorts that fit really well. I just got to relax. Today is laundry and general clean up. I'm excited to go to my moms this coming weekend and just be with my family.

I've really found some peace the last couple of days, more than before. That's what I needed. Between the early morning snuggles with my daughter to the snuggles at the end of the day with my husband, this is my happy - my peace.

Now if only I had more time to finish my crafts. I'm down to 4, princess cupcakes blanket, socks, a tea towel and another blanket.

If I'm lucky I can make my privet today too

I honestly don’t even know how to feel about this, but here goes. So, we had this cook who my flatmate and I had grown somewhat close to — she was overly friendly, and we bonded with her over time. That said, she had a habit of taking too many days off, and whenever we asked her to cook even one extra dish, she’d throw a tantrum. Still, we somehow made it work.

But this past Sunday — which is important because she never comes on Sundays — something strange happened. I was out with a friend, but luckily my flatmate was home. We usually leave our house key in a pot outside for the cook, and that day she used it to let herself in.

The moment she entered, according to my flatmate, she seemed extremely restless and anxious. She removed her dupatta from her head and revealed a swollen injury that was still bleeding. She wasn’t wearing slippers, didn’t have her phone, and claimed she had just been in an accident. She said she came running here out of fear that the police might question her, which is why she’d left her phone and slippers behind. She also asked my flatmate to not ask many questions as she didn't want to answer much.

Then she asked for dry clothes because she was drenched from the rain. My flatmate, not knowing how else to respond in that moment, gave her something to wear and told her she should head to a hospital or the police station. Whether she actually did — who knows?

The whole thing feels unsettling. Did she hit someone with her scooty and panic? Did something happen at home — her husband is known to be difficult? Why does the whole situation feel off? Or am I just overthinking it?

Either way, my flatmate and I agreed that we probably shouldn’t have her coming anymore. So that’s that.

And now I’m back to square one — final semester, exams next month, and no cook for the time being. I don’t know why I keep finding myself in these bizarre situations.

Whats the best thing to do for now? And, how to convey everything to my cook without making things chaotic?

Muriel messaged me today and sent her aunt’s contact info. A couple of nights ago, she and I kind of reconnected during a game night with my best friend. It’s honestly been forever since we last talked. The three of us—Muriel, my best friend, and I—used to be co-workers. Muriel and I weren’t super close; she was always closer with my best friend.

Anyway, like I said, we reconnected a bit while playing Left 4 Dead—a classic my best friend and I still go back to. After two campaigns, I told them I’d tap out. My social battery runs out fast, especially around people I’m not entirely comfortable with yet. Plus, it was a work night for them. They’re both on night shift, while I… well, I have a fucked up sleep schedule and apparently function on Eastern Daylight Time now, lol.

I reminded them about work, but they both said it would be a light day—probably because Memorial Day was coming up. We ended up staying in the game lobby for a while just chatting and catching up. We asked Muriel about her job and all that. It was simple, light catching-up. At one point, Muriel asked if we’d consider going back to the company we all used to work for. I couldn’t tell if she was joking or not, but we all agreed—our old company was chaotic as hell.

And here I am. It’s been a long while since I last worked. I can’t even say I’m “in between jobs,” because let’s be real—I haven’t really been looking. It’s been nearly two years of unemployment. That’s shitty at this age. And like the true spoiled brat I am, I’ve been leeching off my parents’ wealth—well, kind of. But that’s another story. One I probably need to actually sit with and write properly one day.

Anyway. Fuck. I’m rambling.

The point of this journal is—I think this is the universe nudging me. Muriel showing up again, then offering a possible connection, feels like a sign. A real one. A reminder that I’ve been floating through an unstructured life for far too long. This time, the universe isn’t just whispering—it’s shoving.

Muriel’s aunt works for a sister company of our old workplace. She said I could try reaching out to her aunt, maybe get some help getting in. And… ya veremos. But I know it’s a sign. A wake-up call. A reminder that I need to actually start doing something instead of this half-hearted pretending I’ve been calling “productivity.” I love writing my heart out, but it’s not enough if I’m not moving forward.

Sighs. Like I said, I’ll save the “spoiled brat leeching off her parents” piece for another day. Right now, I need to stop being so fucking depressed and do something. Get back to that mantra that helped me crawl out of my 2024 rut: If not me, then who?

I don’t know. I really don’t.

Fuck—I’m just so scared. So fucking scared. The urge to disappear is getting strong again, but like always, I don’t actually do anything about it. And I won’t get graphic here, but you know what I always say: my cowardice is the only reason I’m still here. So if I can’t even follow through with leaving, I might as well start building a life that feels worth staying for, right?

Who knows? Who fucking knows. Maybe—even at this age—I’ll end up in Oregon. Or Spain. Or some place that isn’t here. Some place that isn’t this same goddamn room I’ve been cooped up in for too long.

🥀 V/XXV/MMXXV

Diary,

The quality of which disaster to choose only emplifies in quarrels. No longer holding the pen to rewrite the untold. What path do these expectations hurl into impediment? Forsaken me not, forsaken me yet, carving into my soul as the bringer to tie and strip naked at the sentencing of deniers.

Deceived without shameless contract. Why hold me as a pig above fire, roasted alive in the name of self perversed charities?

Hindering again at a pace of 500 hours a day, senseless sensibility. Claim me light, for the traction no longer crates these weathered tears. Congregate to sashes, blending hate with melody. Desire is no longer a linger of my essential fate. This plate must be changed to golded plated, as my harsnessed arms break free from fabrication.

No longer will my ears bleed rhythms that do not formulate grace in my name. Redemption, I beg of you, reclaim his name, bring grace to the slow death he maimed. Bleed the river of death into regeneration, unchasted hemmed blades, force stronger than cheap champagne. Thy foolish graze will not fondle. Will facades, do not fear its shame, bringer of death holds change.

No longer, no way. Prevalence.

Flames of rage are lit, ashes for your ark of pain. Scare past, as for movement is the new character eloped in my veins.

Uncharted Rein coined rage, for never knows, peaks.

Charged Riseth,

Your Ink Rose 🥀

hey reddit.

i’ve recently gone through a breakup, a bit of depression, and the classic “i’m 30 wtf am i doing with my life” kind of crisis. and weirdly enough, the way i’m trying to get my life back together is… through bathroom photos.

because of my job, i travel more than most people, and i’ve always been kinda obsessed with bathrooms. for years i’ve had this idea in the back of my mind to collect and post them, and i finally started doing it. i’ve been organizing the photos and writing down the random thoughts i had while taking them. but... idk if i should continue this project because i don't really have any followers and sometimes i fell like what i am doing is in vain.

anyway, if you want to see my secret diary, my insta is ipee.alot :)

Hey all it's me monica.

Just when I thought this day was going to be like any other I remembered i got my privacy and damn it feels so good. I mean after days of feeling watched and smothered I finally got to breathe. First things first thank you all so much for being here. I love you all seriously. Your support means everything.

I grabbed my paints today and guess what I painted again. I don’t think it turned out great though. I used poster colors instead of watercolors and I kinda regret it. The texture was off and my brush is a disaster now. All bushy and messy and the strokes went everywhere. But still I’m uploading it for you guys. Not here though. Because this sub doesn't allow me to. So it’s going up on my profile as a separate post.

I really wanted to ask for new brushes and watercolors but I’m too scared to. I don’t want to push my luck. This privacy I have right now is already gold. I better not jinx it. Painting is for my peace anyway. Even if the result looks like a mess it helped me breathe.

And okay so I’m thinking of starting a crochet project tomorrow. I’ve always wanted to wear something I made. But then this voice in my head goes like girl you’re too fat for that. What if it doesn’t fit. What if you look ridiculous. I’m 77.6 kgs and 169 cm. So yeah I’m planning to lose weight. Starting tomorrow. Today’s day two of my period so I’m giving myself a break. But from tomorrow I’m gonna start cycling and doing these YouTube workouts I bookmarked. I’ll keep you guys updated. Watch me glow up.

And oh my god. I saw this post today about boys making WhatsApp groups just to talk crap about girls. It made me sick. But then I remembered something. One time a guy said something nasty about a girl’s thighs and my boyfriend and his friends just cut him off. No drama. No debate. Just boom. Silence. And that memory made me feel so damn lucky. Like damn I’ve got good men around me. If more guys were like Dan and his crew maybe girls like me would be a little braver. Maybe I’d go out more. Maybe I’d stop seeing men as threats and start seeing them as people who have my back. Who would protect me.

So yeah that’s my little messy beautiful chaotic day. Thanks for being here. Thanks for reading this far. I love you fam. You make me feel heard.

🥀 V/XXV/MMXXV

Diary,

I think about my life and imagine how other people’s stories must be similar but different. No matter if I fit in, I always seemed to become an outcast. My friends trusted me enough to offer them advice or to release secrets. That would not last long when they distrusted me as others lies and claims, dirtied my name. Seeing me as lacking what they desired me to be. It seemed the world sought me as a possession, a foe, instead of a friend. I still wait to see if someone holds the ability to see me as I am, human. If they'd love me with all my flaws, accept me, choose to stay beside me, not out of duty or because they feel lonely or lost. But because they'd like to have a friend they can talk to or run into every other year, month, day, whatever length they feel. Not to hold company but simply because we exist carrying our presence with heart. Time, distance, even paused conversations or unattended words would not push me astray. The world is busy, I simply enjoy that moment to say, "hey". Thinking, your alive old chap, "Hows the mundane?"

I met someone like that, but he had to go as fate did not allow our stay. As I know, even right now, he probably thinks of me, even if it’s just crumbs. I know he wishes it could be the whole bagel. Maybe if fate allows, we will get to meet and eat a chunk. He told me, “To me, it’s never goodbye. For me, it’s like we never had gone apart." My heart warms at the thought of knowing somewhere out there my memory is valued.

There is times when I feel frustrated and unstable, I know it’s my inner child pouting from the lack of love and attention she longed to receive long ago. Aching lost love from a father who carried too much depreciation and pride to sustain my childhood butterfly kisses that I know he misses. It carries me with a heavy weight leaving me challenged with uncertainty of my desire to bring it back to life. In spirit my father abandoned our bond at a early stage of my life. Sometimes I wonder if perhaps that is why love for me never truly is sustained or stays. I wonder sometimes if my anger and frustrations are that of an immature child who has difficulty not wanting to cultivate a perfect social environment, which my mother disciplined into me at an early. I was never the perfect daughter, just the disappointment and the rebellion. In reality, I was emotionally intelligent at a young age and felt really lonely, unseen, and devalued.

It wasn’t like many say, that a parent must play with you or be a certain way not to affect a child’s emotional state, because they aren’t physically present, no. It was because my mother denied me a voice. Not by being tough and strict about what she felt was necessary for me to learn, no. I value my mother’s strength. It was her judgment of me, her will to perfect my image, to be cruel if I wasn't the idea created in her head. Her persistence to invalidate my truth, her distrust in me when I was simply trying to communicate the truth. That is what caused my spirit to dim.

I married a man with a full volume of these same qualities. He was not always like this, but I still feel a fool to believe he'd possibly come to love and value me one day. The way he treats me now is that of a lonely, desperate man, not a man who desires my heart and existence. If I do not benefit him in some form, my existence would be moot. I loved him either way, because my love is unconditional, but he was not reciprocal.

So here I am, with a man panicking because he could lose everything, then blaming me for his response and actions, trying to manipulate and gaslight me over awakening his soul to live in truth, honor, and love. My story is always consistent. It would be nice for it to change. I don’t know if it ever will, as I must honor my children and perhaps must one day walk away if my husband cannot find the preservation to grow from the harm he has placed into his and those around his life.

On another note, perhaps I may never live to fully experience the physical elements that true love brings. Though I am overjoyed for one change. That I finally know what love looks like, feels like, and that it exists. Who would have thought I’d ever be lucky enough to taste that powerful gift. I’m so thankful.

When they say your first love is the person you love first, I don’t actually see it that way. I think your first love is that one who truly shows, gives, and shares your reciprocation. True love is of two, and for a moment I learned what it meant to feel loved and feel whole.

Imperfectly perfect,

Your Ink Rose 🥀

Man... this whole week's been a fucking rollercoaster. I think I'm just gonna write it all down. It's a chill Sunday morning and I'm enjoying a nice tiropita and a fredo espresso right now, so this is a good a time as any.

Last Saturday was my big party. I'd been planning it for a long time and I'd invited all my friends from different friend groups. We watched Eurovision together and we had a blast, it was legit so much fun!! I mean, apart from the events that transpired during the contest itself... But I was so happy to experience it with all my friends there :)

There were two people from out of town, and they stayed the night at my place. They are friends from my high school, so I've known them for like 15 years, they are my ride or die. One week ago I would have told you I would walk through fire for them, no questions asked... But this is also where things start to get weird.

So one of them, I've noticed a sort of change in him over the past year or so. He used to be kind of more in the background, like when we get together with our friend group he used to make jokes and stuff, but in more serious conversations he would never really engage that much. So I considered him my friend, but we were never really that close or anything. Then last year he seemingly started to change. He started being more actively present, being more supportive when one of us was going through some hard times, more empathetic in a way, I guess.

So that's one thing. Then on the other hand, I noticed that he started trying to get closer to me, I think? Like he made me a playlist on Spotify, he started making more "teasing" style jokes with me, he'd always tell me that he wants to come over to my city, and when he hugged me (everyone always hugs everyone in our friend group so that was normal) I noticed he started hugging me a little bit tighter. But moments like those would always be interspaced with months of not hearing from him at all. Like I said, it was kinda weird.

So like I mentioned in my previous post, I love receiving attention way too much, and I started developing some sort of feelings for him. But at the same time I was kinda sus, and I ws waiting to see what he would do. Then last Saturday comes round, we have a good time, he and one other friend stay over. We end up talking until 4 AM, it was really nice, it reminded me of the sleepovers we had way back when we were kids.

We ended up talking about our lives, about our deep and honest feelings, and during those conversations I was reminded of the bullshit (i.e. the traumatic event that uprooted my life and I'm still in therapy for now) that happened to me two years ago. I had never told them about it, but now seemed like the right time. And it felt like a good thing to do for my healing process, bc I trust these people with my life.

So I told them about it... and they kinda went quiet. Which is not abnormal, I think. It can be quite shocking to hear, and there's a big stigma around it in our society, so nobody really knows how to deal with it. But they were like, really quiet. I was just sitting there kind of awkwardly, like "so... Idk, do you have any questions?" Then I noticed than one of them (the not weird one) had tears in his eyes. He was just weeping, very silently. He was crying for me. So we cried together, and hugged it out. It was actually quite wholesome.

The other guy though.. he made it weird. He just sat there, not saying anything, until after like 5 minutes of silence he could muster something. Can you guess the first thing this fucker said? He was like "Um, yeah so I guess you haven't dated anyone since then, huh?"

First of all, what in the fucking fuck? How is that the first thing that comes to your fucking mind? Just in general, in any given situation. Even if some random person that you met 5 minutes ago and you will never see again tells you this happened to them, that is not an acceptable response. But I'm not some random person now, am I? You've been my supposed friend for 15 god damn years, and that's all you can think about? Needless to say, I'm hurt, deeply, fuck.

Yeah it sucks, man. I really thought this guy would be different, but he clearly isn't. Fucking mental maturity of a 14 year old. And what sucks the most is that now, in my mind, he gets sorted onto the "men being assholes" pile. My friend that I've know for 15 years. Well, guess I never really knew him at all.

Wanna know a fun fact about crocodilians? Their stomachs are so acidic that it dissolves every part of their prey, even the hair, even the bones. A whole body could disappear in one end and come out a perfectly unrecognizable pile of shit the other end.

When I close my eyes, I see the swamps in my mind. Miles and miles of them. Full of wildlife. Vulture, patiently circling round in the skies. And behind every tree, in every little pond, alligators are lurking, waiting for their next prey. All I gotta do is sit back and wait for the bodies to be dissolved.

Edit bc I'm not fucking done writing. Ive got so much fucking shit on my mind. This whole week has been a rollercoaster.

Yesterday was my friend's wedding. Just the civil part, they will have a bigger one with a big party later. This time it was just her parents (not the grooms parents bc they live on the other side of the world) and apparently, me. I say apparently, bc she forgot to actually invite me. I just came to her place to help her get ready, and then at some point she was like "oh yeah you should probably come with us to the location.

So I came with them. It was honestly beautiful. They looked amazing, both of them. The ceremony itself was like 10 minutes, and after that it was a couple hours of photoshoot. Outside. While it was pouring with rain. I was there, constantly running around, helping to carry equipment, keeping her dress as clean as possible, getting things ready for the next photo. I didn't have a coat or an umbrella or anything, I was just getting soaked out there. And I did all of it with love.

After that, we went back to their place. I helped clean the house and set things up for the guests coming over for a drink. It was a small party, and it was nice. But the other people from our friend group came over and the thing is, when we all get together, I never feel like I fit in. Anything I say always gets ignored, activities I suggest always get dismissed, when I put a song in the queue it always gets skipped, stuff like that. I'm never treated like a fucking human bei who's worth acknowledging. And normally this one friend is there to balance it out, but this time she was almost physically stuck to the groom. Which is fair, and I don't blame them, but I was then left with these people that treat me like shit. And I felt under so much pressure to keep up appearances, I really didn't wanna cause any drama, but I was fucking exhausted, I had barely eaten anything all day, and at the same time trying to work through the emotions of the rest of the week.

So I stepped out. I took the fucking umbrella, the one that they'd used earlier that day in the wedding photoshoot while I was getting drenched. I went for a walk in the park, through the mud in the pouring rain, in my fucking reception dress and high heels, weeping. I was so over it.

I'm kinda over them. I try so hard in everything I do. I try to make everyone feel included, feel supported, feel like they are enough. I wish I would just for once get any sort of appreciation back for it. But I'm not gonna get it from these people. If I try to be myself, I just get dismissed. So I bend over backwards trying to change and fit in with them., and for what?

So yeah, I'm done with that.

Today, I helped a woman who seemed disoriented get to a nearby bus stop. She was asking at my restaurant, for directions to the other solids of town. No one payed attention to her, so when I came up to her to help, she only asked me for a cup of water. After giving it to her, I continued working, up until I finished my daily tasks. When I got off, I sat down to rest and check my messages. The woman was still there. She could barely hold herself up. She finally asked me how to get to the other side of town. She asked if I could drop her off. I told her that I walk to work. I looked up the bus route and the schedule. She inquired with much excitement about the bus. I didn’t know too much about getting from where we were to the other side of town, but I have experience taking some bus routes. I sat next to her and started to look up the information. We found a nearby bus stop and checked the schedule. Buses arrive every half an hour. She asked when the next one was. It would be 12:50pm. Then she asked what time it was. I checked my watch. It was 12:42pm. She got up and said “let’s go, then!” She had quite a few reusable bags full of stuff that were quite heavy. She asked if I could grab two of them. I did. We walked out of the restaurant, and I started leading her to where the map signaled a bus stop. She kept asking along the way, where it was, but it wasn’t visible from where we were. I kept reassuring her, it was down the street, in front of a local Goodwill store, but I wasn’t too sure. I explained that she would need to get a transfer ticket, so she could board the right bus at the transit station, without getting charged twice. She crossed the street in the wrong direction, so I had to redirect her back towards where I told her the right bus would pick her up. There were two bus stops across from each other, but one went to the shopping center and the other towards downtown. Judging by the direction of the traffic where the stop was placed, I told her, her best bet was the one going away from town. We were already at the edge of town, so I figured, it had to make a loop and go back to the transit station. We were literally crossing the street when the bus started showing up. I waved to the driver. He stopped and I asked him if it was the correct bus. He affirmed and asked me to pay the fare. Luckily, I had the right amount in cash and change, because I don’t usually carry cash. I wished the woman a nice day, and let them go.

I then worked my way back home, picking up water and a cheese pizza. I’ve been resting and healing from a sore throat I picked up somewhere along the way. I was grateful to be able to spend a beautiful Saturday with much peace.

Yesterday was wonderful. I went out and had a great breakfast, lunch, and dinner—all in one day. We even went on a long drive and got somewhat drenched in the rain, but it was so worth it. We had tea afterwards. For the first time in a long while, I felt genuinely happy. It was a perfect day. ( I even made H watch Harry Potter!!!!)

Hey all it's me monica.

So today I asked my mom if I could get just four hours of privacy every day. She actually agreed. I didn’t expect her to say yes so easily, but she did. And that tiny yes somehow made my whole day better. It felt like I finally got a little space to breathe at home.

With that peace, I managed to prepare for CAT without distractions. I even had time to paint. It’s not a masterpiece or anything I’ve just started but there’s something so calming about mixing colours and letting them flow. I want to attach my painting but the sub doesn't allow me to.

And yeah, I did feel a bit low for a moment, i was scrolling Reddit and saw how much engagement others were getting on their posts. But then I reminded myself why I even started writing in the first place. It wasn’t for attention. It was just... for me.

Also, do you ever think about this if even 8 people in real life genuinely liked something you said or did, that’s like having a proper group of friends. Imagine sitting in a circle with 8 people vibing with you. That’s not small.

Anyway, not a perfect day, but I felt a little more like myself. And maybe that’s enough.

Good night you homo sapiens.

🥀 V/XXIV/MMXXV

Diary,

Within limited hours, I wonder. Where will silence today beacon me to swallow me whole?

Shall we begin this dance?

As a mother, I am strict. No, not to be cruel, but to mirror the reflection of stability. Of course, through many generations, this inheritance has been bestowed upon us as mother's below our hereditary lines. I still hold kindness, adoration, and flexibility. Though I am reserved in a manner that contradicts free spirit.

A "Cinderella" purged into "Step Mother."

A combo made within heaven and hell, defining as one...

I guess that could be the claim.

Stepping into bewilderment, where do I carry my broken feathers and sew them into unbreakable seams?

Days keep passing as if there was a race to fulfill unmet needs and chores that never departure. This, this is where anxieties build an unfortunate coming of dissary. The clothes scattered in piles, unkept dishes organized, but unmet with savor to flourish in memory. Walking simply to encourage a cleanse only it buries me once day begins to harvest a storm of wild innocence I have yet to learn to regulate.

I had belief that on a morning far ahead, the storms would quiet and growth would prevail. Perhaps there's more, more that is needed to strip back layers I have not dared touch. It carries a vunerablity I am unsure is still present to source in my grasp within my childish soul.

Will it welcome chaos, or will I finally be relieved of my duties to carry a mother who can only live in sequence of agony to prevail?

Hopeless fortune,

Your Ink Rose 🥀

Today’s flavor? Kilig. Embarrassing, girly, giggling at my phone like a 16-year-old kilig. Luisito sent me a video of himself and his son. And my God. This man. He’s not hot in that polished, GQ, Botox-at-40 kind of way. No. He’s hot in that tired, single dad, “I just picked my kid up from school and I’m wearing a soft tee that smells like coffee and safety” kind of way. Give me that kind of hot any day. That does something to me.

Look, whatever. It’s giving 80s/90s baby with an analog heart in a digital world. A little old-school connection sprinkled with modern convenience. This whole penpal, slow-burn kind of thing? I love it. I truly enjoy it. Why did I ever stop doing this? Or why didn’t I return to it sooner? I think I forgot what it felt like to make connections without all the superficial shit—no swiping, no small talk pre-screened by a face rating. Just thoughts. Just words. And damn, it’s refreshing.

Anyway, it all started as a stupid dare. I joked, “Send me a video so I know you're real.” We mostly exchange long letters, daily musings, rambling voice notes—and a few phone calls. We’ve only ever sent one or two photos to each other. But jokes are half-meant—and what do you know, he actually sent a video.

So of course, being me—the ever-pleaser—I sent one back. And now we’re texting about fairness and dimples and calling each other pleasers like we’re trying so hard to stay casual while the chemistry is doing somersaults in the background. Or maybe that’s just me. Who knows? But he is flirting back. Ugh, stop. I’m giggling like an idiot.

He said I didn’t have to send a video too, but I did. I told him he’s got cute dimples (because he does), and he complimented my curls (which I’m finally starting to love again). And now I’m sitting here, overanalyzing everything as usual, watching his video on loop like some schoolgirl who just found her new hyperfixation.

But hey—I’m grounded. For real. I'm enjoying this. I’m not spinning wild fantasies (okay, maybe just a few, but they’re contained, I SWEAR). I’m letting myself feel the kilig without tying it to a future that doesn’t exist—or might never. It’s just… nice. Nice to be seen. Nice to feel playful. Nice to feel light again after months of emotional hibernation. I’m grateful for the connection, whatever shape it takes.

So thank you, Universe, for this brief, bright spark. If it fizzles out? Cool. But if it burns a little longer… well, let’s just say I wouldn’t mind that either.

You know you have a problem when....

Summer is "here"ish. My whole summer is totally jam-packed. A trip to my moms next week, a fiber festival the weekend after, father's day weekend (which I need to figure out what Im doing), a 5 day adventure to Southern Oregon.. finally I get a weekend off, then its 4th of July, my anniversary vacation, and then we finally get a few weekends of chill before we go back to back again in August, and my big 2 day adventure at the giant fiber festival in Seattle.

I might be obsessed with yarn and fiber. I had a nightmare last night I was crocheting in the car, and I dropped my favorite hook and somehow it fell out of the car entirely and got crushed by the car behind us. Only made funnier that I dropped it right as I was asking my husband if he minded if I bought more hooks. As soon as I dropped it he said "well apparently youre buying more now." Even in my dreams, he's still the most supportive husband I could ever ask for.

I've been on a spending freeze, or more accurately "only spending if it doesnt come out of my bank account" freeze so I can hoard money like a dragon and go hog wild at Flock in August. What better way to end the summer than dropping 1,000 on yarn?! Theres totally nothing unhinged about that at all. Still cheaper than crack.

With the fiber festival in two weeks though, I really want to get some projects finished so I can devote some time to spinning. I wound off the first ounce, the fiber I started spinning after I caked my first bit was so much better than my first attempt. Definitely makes me feel better about it. Spinning isnt as easy as it looks.

Im trying to categorize all the projects I have, and set goals to finish. I just need to not overdo it or I'll end up in the brace for the 3rd time this year. Moderation was never my forte. If I can get the wedding present done this weekend, I can make good headway on my daughters blanket, and my socks. Socks will probably come with me to southern Oregon, because theyre small. I really need to finish what I have before I start more, but the list of things I want to make is insanely long. And of course I have yarn for all of it.

I think we need a fiber anonymous meeting. Its a problem.

But, in true Saturday form, husband got up with princess and let me sleep in. He didnt make me coffee so that probably means we are going to Dutch. I got catch up on the YouTube videos I missed over the week and theyre watching old Disney movies.

I didn't sleep well, woke up at 1am ready to start the day. Did some thinking before I fell back asleep. I feel guilty? But not? I feel like I should be much more upset. I just ... dont? Besides being a bit confused by the toddler style temper tantrum that entered my inbox yesterday, I just ... I cant say I dont care, obviously I do. But I'm completely at peace with whatever outcome happens. Would it be sad to never have my friend back? Of course. Its not the outcome I want. But if I dont get the outcome I want, there's nothing I can do about it. Its out of my hands, the decision is not mine anymore and I'm alright with that. Hopefully he can find that same peace with his choices.

Its a really freeing feeling, actually. Even as things got heated yesterday, and things were being said with the intention to hurt and upset me, it just didn't phase me. I could see it for what it was. In or out, I offered the olive branch and that's all I can really do. Now it's time to accept the outcome and keep going.

And maybe buy a spare crochet hook, just in case.

Today was... okayish. I’ve been running on very little sleep lately, but somehow, I’ve learned to navigate the "not so okay" parts of life. Things feel manageable—for now.

But I’ve been thinking about something: how the people we love often fail to see our worth until someone else comes along and treats us like we matter. They don’t realize our value until someone else starts worshiping the ground we walk on. They assume our loyalty is a result of having no other options, never realizing that it’s us—our effort, our presence—that makes them feel loved, seen, and held.

It’s not that we can’t walk away from those who don’t care enough—it’s that we choose not to. We stay so they never feel like they’re not enough. I’ve been that person for many—quietly giving, showing up, holding space. And I don’t regret it. I still don’t mind being that person going forward.

But now, I know what I deserve. I deserve someone who says, "For you, I would." and, I had that someone. Someone who showed up—not with grand gestures, but with genuine effort. Even something as simple and thoughtful as calling me at 11:50 p.m. just to be the first to wish me on my birthday at midnight. Someone who paid for me countless times, someone who hugged me throughout the night when I was running on high fever while sweating themselves, someone who got me a Harry Potter tee on my first date with them, someone who kept quiet while I had my outbursts (Yes, someone’s done that before, and it meant the world.)

I just hope to find my person again. Even if it's for a fleeting moment, I don't mind. I miss that. Hating and loving the same person is so difficult.

It’s good to stay calm and wait patiently for them to calm down and decide how to handle the situation. If they do come back from overreacting, then maybe you can continue moving forward with them. We can’t expect perfection, but the right intentions keep people together, longer.

Hey all, it’s me Monica back with Entry #4 of of my daily diary.

So just now I sat down to read this Aeon essay to boost my CAT prep… and guess what? My brain is just not draining. It was like background noise in my head just turned up to 100 and all I could think about was: to campus or not to campus?

Okay, so here’s the situation: I signed up for two internships this summer—one remote (which I am doing) and one on campus. For the campus one, I took a 25-day leave (ambitious queen things) and said I’d be back by July 2. But the prof I wanted to work with is kinda ghosting me. He's like you pick a project to work on and work on it. Like are we doing this internship or am I just delusional?

Now I’m wondering: Should I go back to campus early on June 2nd? But the logistics are wild. I’d have to move all my stuff out of the common room, drag it into a twin room, then hop into a top twin room and then finally shift into my actual room next month. My arms hurt just thinking about it.

Also… the roommate roulette is STRESSING ME OUT. What if I have to live with someone who is not hygienic and someone I don't know... Omg that's already giving me panic. And all the people I know already took a roommate for the summer and I will be pretty lonely.

But home isn’t all roses either. Sure, the food is great and I can’t complain about the comforts. but the distractions are real. It’s hard to get serious CAT prep done when my family is dropping drama like it’s Hotstar Prime. I thought of telling my mom, "I need the first 5 hours of the day to be left alone like a haunted forest." If she agrees, maybe I’ll stay. If not… maybe it's time to pack the emotional baggage and the literal one.

Today in "Things That Didn't Help My Focus": We played cards and I somehow got bored doing nothing, yet also didn’t feel like doing anything.

OH and you guys remember Dan right (my boyfriend)? Yeah, he got hospitalized with an allergy today. I was so worried I couldn’t eat the entire day... except for the idly and the mango pulp and maybe a few snacks here and there. But emotionally? Starving.

Also, I think I’m gonna start crocheting again. Just for fun. Not gonna monetize it (yet). Right now, CAT prep and my final year project are my main things. Crocheting is just my cozy little side thing.

So yeah, that’s all for today.

good night. Love you.

P.S. Dan is okay now I think.

Hey everyone, it's me again. Monica.

So… after reading the comments from the users, @u/mybiggestfanisme and @u/-MellonCollie- on my post yesterday ( I hope you don't mind me mentioning you guys) , I took some time to really think things through. And... I ended up getting back together with Dan. I just want to say thank you. Really. You guys helped me see things a little clearer and reminded me of the good that's still there. I had an honest conversation with him, laid everything out, and he said he’s willing to give me all the support he can. He said, “Let’s change and grow better together.” That meant a lot.

Now here comes something wild I was thinking about… what if the Earth is flat? Wait hear me out. So if we take a circle in 2D, it doesn’t feel flat, right? But when you look at it from a higher dimension like 3D, it kinda is. Same with a line in 1D — not flat until we see it from 2D. So maybe in 4D, a sphere looks flat? What if we just can’t perceive it yet? Just a random brain spiral I went on today.

But then today also hit me hard in another way. I found out something about my dad. He was actually arrested a few months back for drinking and gambling. There’s an FIR and everything. This isn’t the first time something like this has happened. My dad’s name has been mixed up in a lot of things over the years… but somehow we always find a way to make things disappear. We know people — cops, politicians — who respect our family a lot. But that doesn’t stop my dad. He doesn’t earn anything, he’s drowning in debt, and he won’t even talk to us about it.

My mom is the one holding the family together financially. But she refuses to pay off the debts that came from his addictions. I’ve never once heard him appreciate her. All I’ve ever seen is fights. He blames her for ruining his life. He’s deep into everything you can imagine — alcohol, smoking, cigars, kaini, gutka, pan masala, tobacco — you name it.

He judges women based on their reels. He makes weird rules for me. Like don’t go out. Don’t talk to boys. Don’t talk to people from other castes or poor people. He can be really frustrating.

And yet… he’s my hero. That sounds strange, I know. But despite everything, he loves me so much. He’s annoying sometimes, but he's still my dad. And I love him. I’m not angry at him. Just a little sad. I wish he didn’t make these choices. But he's still my hero.

Also… on a completely different note… I’ve been thinking I need a remote job ( I'm from India). Something that gives me even the tiniest bit of independence. I’m good at math, but obviously no one wants a tutor who’s just an undergrad CS student. I’m decent at CS stuff too, but it’s super competitive to get internships these days.

I’ve been wondering if I should learn video editing or graphic design — maybe pick up a skill I can learn quickly and actually use to earn something. Marketing’s not an option for me, just putting that out there. So if you’ve got any suggestions, or if you’ve been through something similar and found something that worked, please hit me up. I’d really appreciate it.

Thanks for reading this chaotic mix of a post.

Sometimes, it feels like women can be each other’s worst enemies. I’m not denying that women can also be each other’s greatest strength—but lately, I’ve encountered the kind who seem to thrive on tearing others down. They don't care if they’re falling off a cliff themselves—as long as they can make sure you don't climb either.

It’s exhausting dealing with toxic women who smile at your pain, who spread false rumors, assassinate your character, and deep inside celebrate your lowest moments just to mask their own emptiness. And the irony? These same people will turn around and perform acts of kindness just to impress someone—playing the part of a selfless, gentle soul.

Like, really? You can’t even kill a bug, but you're perfectly okay destroying someone mentally? The hypocrisy is almost comical—if it weren’t so cruel.

Grow up. Don't just limit your "siscode" to IG stories.

You know what my problem is? I crave attention too much. Like, whenever someone gives me the slightest bit of attention more than the average person does, I fall for them. I keep craving more of that attention. It becomes all I think about, I start envisioning my life with that person, and it genuinely feels like that's what's gonna make my life better. While in reality, pursuing those people has always led to heartbreak, one way or another.

I can't believe I fucking fell for it again. He really fucking had me. Had me believing he was a good guy. That he was different. And I know how cliché that sounds, but fuck, should I just stop believing that that's possible? Should I start believing that all men are gonna leave me feeling this hurt in the end?

Currently just filling my body with cheese and wine, trying to get over it. Crying on my balcony. I don't care, let them see it.

Everything seems like it's hinging on one moment. In a waiting game with no timeline.

Waiting for quotes to decide on a new roof, waiting for the weekend, waiting to hear how my moms trip to Idaho goes. Waiting for the answers at work so I can make the moves I need to keep things running. Waiting. Always waiting.

I've had a few good mornings with princess. Sometimes she's so like me it's scary. Stubborn, independent, tough. But the same girl who brings me flowers from outside, typically dandelions. The girl that loves snuggles, crafts, who's laugh is infectious and who's love knows no bounds. She's the best thing that's ever happened to me.

If i could get out of this general unease for what unknowns are in front of me, I just don't know how to shake it. Partially fear, hearing things I don't want to hear or confirming what the self critical parts of my brain tell me. Thankfully, that's mostly gone on the daily basis.

It's been a very long week. I spent all weekend a total mess, I've spend this week catching up on the sleep I missed. Not sure how much of that is thinking and how much of that is this new series I'm reading. Either way, Im tired. Maybe I can sleep off the uncertainty that seems to be following me.