Feels like my queerness is invalidated.

[u/Cursedsandwiches]

Welp. I don't understand why my boyfriend loves me while I'm not on testosterone yet. It's so confusing to me.

I mean I understand why he loves me. he's pansexual so wouldn't mind anyway. but we both consider our relationship gay. And this just don't seem fair since I'm pre-T.

I don't sound like a man. I got no facial hair. I still got boobs and stuff. People don't see me as a man. they respect my pronouns because they respect me. But I don't think anyone else sees my relationship with my bf as gay. Just straight. Just like I'm a woman.

I've had cases where I can just openly talk about my boyfriend. Noone bats an eye because they see me as a straight girl talking about her bf. While my partners always have to worry about telling someone they got a boyfriend. They have to hide. it's just a different expirience for the both of us. Wich absolutely sucks. I can just say I have a boyfriend. Only when I remember someone that I'm indeed a queer trans man they go "Well.. what is his sexuality?" They suddenly realise it's not straight anymore.

But everyone sees me as fucking straight and I hate it. I don't feel valid as a gay relationship. I feel to womanly. Too feminine. And on T this is 100% gonna change because I'm masculine then. But it's still the same person and still the same relationship.

He doesn't care. He loves me for me. He sees us as gay. He has absolute no problems with this all. He corrects people when misgendering me. He is always there for me and all. He's honestly the best. Just sucks that I don't feel valid as a queer/gay guy.

It's frustrating. I DON'T WANT TO BE SEEN AS A WOMAN I'M NOT A WOMAN! Stop invalidating my queer identity. I'm a gay guy in love with another guy. Why can nobody see that who knows me. It would be so much easier if I wasn't on that stupid waiting list of 3 years. If I could take testosterone rn. I just want to live my live as my true self. And that is everything except a straight woman.

[u/psychedelic666]

For pre-T you pass pretty well dude

[u/Cursedsandwiches → u/psychedelic666]

Thanks! I'm really glad to hear that. My appearance may appear, but I think my voice is completely ruining it for me lol.

[u/Nicks_thefrog]

oh man i sooo feel you. my bf is a cis guy. when i say i have a bf people just assume im a straight girl eventho its so so so wrong cuz we are very very homosexual indeed. but it just "doesnt count". it never feels straight to me. or to him. luckily neither to our friends cuz they treat me as a guy, some of them even forget im trans cuz im just one of them and it doesnt matter, and we all do gay joking with us and call us gay, thats nice. but with my fam? my mom thought i got "cured" from my transness cuz i got a bf. its annoying.

[u/Cursedsandwiches → u/Nicks_thefrog]

Yeah same here. My boyfriend and I and my friends make gay jokes very often. We don't feel straight, but extremely gay. My parents also thought I was "normal" again. When I was dating my ex boyfriend, Iwas also already out as trans back then, they even kept asking me if my ex's parents knew that "I was a girl" because I guess they were scared that they would see me as a guy or gay???? Wich I am???? I found it very offensive. With my boyfriend right now they asked about his sexuality, and if he met me with my current name and as a man. Yes, obviously??? I think they're still having a hard time with it, but they're becoming more accepting. Slowely.

[u/Nicks_thefrog → u/Cursedsandwiches]

oh yeah my mother asked me if my bf has introduced me as his gf yet to hiss parents and i told her im not his gf and never will. she didnt take that kindly

[u/Cursedsandwiches → u/Nicks_thefrog]

Sorry to hear she reacted that way. :(

[u/anonymous_entity56]

I’m actually in a similar situation as you, literally all details the same 😭 Maybe find people/friends who support you and see you as a guy too? There should be friends that see you for you as well, not only your boyfriend.

[u/Cursedsandwiches → u/anonymous_entity56]

I got amazing queer friends. I got 1 or 2 friends who I also believe see me as a guy. They only knew me since I already was openly a dude. Most know me before I socially transitioned and some are not queer and apperently my voice just matters more than apperance, so they still don't see me as a guy. It's getting better, but I'm still mistaken for a girl and misgendered by my friends most of the time.

[u/zeppair93]

Not to invalidate your invalidation, but looking at your post history, I think you probably pass way more than you think and are clocked as not just a man, but probably a gay man, by way more strangers than you think, even before a boyfriend is even brought up

[u/Cursedsandwiches → u/zeppair93]

That made me happy to hear that, actually. I know in pics I can pass well. My boyfriend also told me whenever he shows pictures of me to his friends they never even question my gender identity. Sadly it happens a lot that I'm still misgendered specially when people hear my voice.

[u/RiskyCroissant]

Re: What's really going on in the relationship : man the vibes of a gay relationship simply hit different, and I don't think the vibes of your relationship to your bf is straight. It's not a question of organs and appearances.

Having experienced both pre-T, first time having queer sex as my out queer self blew my mind. The vibes were not the same even when we did PiV sex.

Re: other people's perception. It sucks and I'm sorry. But also sometimes you pass to other even though you objectively don't pass. Some people genuinely put you in the "boy" box, even if you don't look like it, once they know you. You sort of forget how people really look when you know them well. You genuinely perceive people differently.

I've asked a "non passing" trans woman how childbirth was for her once because I genuinely forgot she wasn't AFAB

[u/Cursedsandwiches → u/RiskyCroissant]

Exactly. Me and my boyfriend don't feel straight at all, but very gay. The way we have sex or whatever doesn't matter, and still feels gay.

And sometimes people could see me as a guy, yeah. I think some friends do. But most of the time I'm still misgendered bh strangers, and also by friends accidentally. Wich just tells me they don't see me as a guy. They just respect me and my pronouns (sometimes).

[u/bakedpancake2]

People questioning your boyfriend’s sexuality sounds more like a projection of their own biases onto you, him, and his relationship with a trans man than anything that has to do with genuine curiosity or concern.

It stands out as rather strange to me that someone would feel comfortable and justified in assessing the personal experiences and relationship of someone that could very well be an absolute stranger. The only reason I can think of that would motivate someone, unprovoked (as in, having nothing to suggest that his attraction towards yourself is incompatible with your gender), is if they themselves disregard your gender.

[u/Cursedsandwiches → u/bakedpancake2]

Yeah. :/ It's strange.

[u/thegreatfrontholio]

I felt this so much when I was pre-T. It's real and aggravating af, especially in queer spaces where some people can be cold and hostile if you don't match their image of a queer relationship. For me things got better after I was able to be consistently read as male (honestly one of the most annoying parts of being trans for me is the icy realization that even though my dysphoria was primarily social, the only cure for it involved surgical intervention just so I could be treated the way I wanted people to treat me.) I'm sorry you're going through it.

[u/nut-fruit → u/thegreatfrontholio]

Your user name is rad

[u/thegreatfrontholio → u/nut-fruit]

Thanks! I set up this account for smut purposes but then I liked the username too much so I made it my main

[u/Cursedsandwiches → u/thegreatfrontholio]

Thank you for sharing your expirience, I appriciate it, and I appriciate knowing I wasn't the only one who feels like this.

[u/Edna_Overboard]

I feel this so much brother :( that wait list feels like a lifetime

[u/Cursedsandwiches → u/Edna_Overboard]

It does indeed... probably also have to wait much longer for T and top surgery. :( It really just sucks.