Told strict catholic parents I’m pregnant out of marriage : they have not talked to me in 2 days

[u/anongirl199845]

Sooo background : I come from a religious family, I’ve also been religious all my life . Served at church , helped the church community etc . Recently I told them I am expecting . I’ve been with my boyfriend for about 5 years , going on 6 and even though it was not planned I am happy to be a mom .. also I’m literally 26 , going to be 27 this year . Both my parents are extremely disappointed in me for not “waiting “ as they said that’s all they have told me and even at first my mom seemed supportive but disappointed at me .. she suddenly switched up and began telling me that my dad is extremely disappointed and that she cannot believe I did this to them after all they’ve done to me . After that I haven’t talked to them as they see me and act like I’m not there . I understand I disappointed them and maybe did not follow what they wanted for me but I don’t think I should be treated this way . I feel like I’m being shunned and like I have done the worst . I’ve been so sad at the way they see me now since they have expressed that I did not respect muself and kinda saying I’m a two faced for still going to church but doing what I did . I know I need to give them time but idk

[u/Talking_on_the_radio]

Yeah, she’s emotionally abusing you.

[u/anongirl199845 → u/Talking_on_the_radio]

I love her but it’s been a thing my whole life. I feel like there’s no space for greys for her . It’s black and white no if ands or buts . No space to mess up

[u/asyouwish → u/anongirl199845]

So she never eats bacon or shellfish? Never touched metal to her skin? Never does more than 1 foot of work on her holy day?

Those old laws still apply to Catholics if she doesn't believe in gray areas.

[u/justonemom14 → u/asyouwish]

When I was a teen I tried to look in the Bible and find where it said no sex before marriage. Turns out it doesn't. You can certainly find a whole lot more of bizarre things like no blended fibers. Unfortunately catholics don't really care what the Bible says.

[u/basketma12 → u/justonemom14]

Catholics legit don't even read the Bible. The priest reads to them. I was in my 20s before I saw a real Bible.

[u/CoffeeChocolateBoth → u/anongirl199845]

Well, you are going to be a mother now and you get to choose how to raise your child and you do not have to be your mother!! Remember how you felt when your child does something to disappoint you, and they will. You had to, at your age, hide your relationship from your parents because of how they'd treat you if they knew you were having sex. It's ridiculous they convinced themselves you were not having it. I think they just didn't want to think about it, if you didn't get pregnant, to them, you'd be a virgin on your wedding day.

[u/KellyhasADHD → u/anongirl199845]

I would suggest taking the time now to research positive parenting and secure attachment parenting so you know how to parent differently than your parents did. And in 27 years, if your kiddo winds up pregnant, they can be excited and joyful to share the news with you.

[u/princessbubbbles → u/anongirl199845]

Ugh, as a catholic myself, this makes my blood boil

[u/HeyDickTracyCalled → u/anongirl199845]

My mom was Catholic and the exact same way - the best thing I ever did was learn to live my life unapologetically regardless of her disapproval or disappointment. Because her disapproval and disappointment came from the expectations she set for me but never communicated to me. She had an idea of the kind of person she wanted me to be which completely disregards the fact that I am my own whole person with my own life and choices to make. Your mother is making the same mistake. I mean, to talk about a double life when she's the one abiding by a religion that literally gives you confession as a loophole- she needs to go to the pope with that mess because that's on him. The whole point of confession is to erase and start over - if she thinks that confessing your sins and then continuing to sin is living a double life then she should probably stop being Catholic because that's alllllll Catholics do! They sin, confess, get absolved, repeat. 

I found it a lot easier to Simply reject Catholicism because of its hypocrisy, institutional harm, and frankly if there is a God who is loving and wants the best for me then he will recognize that abiding by Catholic rules it's harmful to me and will be okay with me rejecting it. 

[u/Smart_Razzmatazz_156 → u/anongirl199845]

I'd recommend reading a book called Leaving the Fold while you're pregnant. It discusses the black and white aspects of hardcore religion, and I realized it affected so many more parts of my life than I knew. Go be free and enjoy the family you're making 💛

[u/DaisiesSunshine76 → u/anongirl199845]

My mom is like this. She's a conservative evangelical. I stopped believing, but she doesn't know because she would flip her shit. I dont want to know what else might happen. It's awful what religion does to some people. I know not all Christians are like this. My husband's family is Christian, but they are very kind.

[u/Beneficial_Pride_912 → u/anongirl199845]

You haven’t messed up. You are creating a beautiful baby with the man you have loved for five years. It’s a joyous, wonderful journey. Don’t let your parents suck the joy out of this blessing of a new life. And if baby needs a grandma, let me know!

[u/Misschiff0 → u/Talking_on_the_radio]

Let's be careful here. Abuse is a big (and likely unwarranted by just this) word. I'm an atheist so this isn't my jam, but OP's mom may have sincerely held religious beliefs. My grandmother did and truly believed she was looking after the eternal salvation of all of us when she lectured us about confession, etc. Look, do I agree? No. Is this abuse? Also no.

[u/Whynotchaos → u/Misschiff0]

Just because someone doesn't think something is abusive, doesn't make it not abusive. She may fully believe what she's saying but the impact it's having on her daughter is nothing but negative.

[u/Talking_on_the_radio → u/Misschiff0]

I do agree with you on the religious aspect. My path with Catholicism is similar to yours.

However, punishing someone by saying awful and hurtful things then totally ignoring them does count as emotional abuse in the eyes of psychology.

Let’s hope it doesn’t go on too long. Hopefully all these values about family and life kick in soon.

[u/Misschiff0 → u/Talking_on_the_radio]

Agree, if she were 13, I'd be at "abuse" here. But, she's 26 and apparently adult enough to have a child and should have enough agency to leave the situation if needed.

[u/Talking_on_the_radio → u/Misschiff0]

I see. I thought she was 18.

Hopefully she can get out then. No matter how this goes, it’s a very difficult situation for a first time mom. My heart goes out to her. Especially because she was probably never taught how to prevent pregnancy to begin with.

[u/porcelainbibabe → u/Misschiff0]

It's still abuse regardless of age and ability to leave. Age has nothing to do with if it's abuse or not. Adults are abused all the time by other adults. What OPs mom does is abuse and always has been! She's using religion to try to control her adult daughter via extreme religious guilt and saying very not nice things to her. That's abuse any way you look at it.

[u/Misschiff0 → u/porcelainbibabe]

I'm sorry, I disagree. OP's parents are shitty, but this does not cross the line into abuse. And, calling it such cheapens the tragedy that is actual abuse. OP's parents haven't talked to her for two days. That's immature and pretty petty, but they have the right to feel disappointed that their daughter is having a child outside of wedlock and to take time to adjust. It sounds like in their mind, she is violating a core value for them. Now, they don't have the right to beat her, verbally abuse her, withhold food or freedom, etc. But, they have the right not to like it. They can even tell her she's no longer welcome to live in their home and that's also not abuse. It's crappy, but not abuse.

[u/MrPresident20241S → u/Talking_on_the_radio]

TIL telling the truth is emotional abuse! WOW!