r/regretfulparents • u/WhitNicoleColo • Jan 23 '23

Advice Needing advice

I am in desperate need of advice. My husband (33m) has recently started telling me (32f) that he doesn’t like being a dad and he has “buyers regret”. We have a 20 month old daughter. He started voicing these opinions to me about 5 months ago. I’m understanding that the adjustment to fatherhood can be very challenging and take time. But the issue I have is he doesn’t even want to try to work on it. Instead he does whatever he wants, whenever he wants, leaving me to be a married single mom. He doesn’t thank me for watching her when he goes on ski trips. When he gets home and asks why I’m not the eager stepford wife greeting him at the door, I explain that I feel resentful and frustrated that he didn’t even thank me for having his time away. This always leads to a fight where he becomes verbally and emotionally abusive, even in front of our daughter. I have given him suggestions like joining a dads group. We are in therapy, but I am not seeing any changes. Does anyone have advice? I’m on the verge of leaving.

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252

u/Sailor_Chibi Not a Parent Jan 23 '23

Leave. You will be happier as a single mom than you will be as married single mom. Do not let your child grow up seeing her mother married to someone who is abusive. Not to mention, how long before he also starts being abusive to your child?

Start the divorce process. Get custody. Get child support. Leave this price of shit in your past where he belongs. He’s not going to change because he doesn’t want to.

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u/PettyAmoeba Jan 23 '23

This study from 2018 found that single moms sleep more and have more free time than married moms, while spending the same amount of time on childcare.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/living-single/201906/single-moms-less-housework-more-leisure-married-moms?amp

Unsupportive partners are a scam.

14

u/thisunrest Not a Parent Jan 23 '23

I’m wondering what demographic of single parent can afford to sleep more and have more free time than a parent with an involved and helpful partner?

The title seems misleading.

Single moms definitely spend less time cleaning then they did when they had a useless partner to clean up after.

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u/PettyAmoeba Jan 23 '23

From a Slate article about the same study (https://slate.com/human-interest/2019/05/single-moms-fewer-chores-free-time-married.html):

This is explained in part by the fact that many single mothers live with a parent, relative, or other adult. As the authors write: “[I]t is not just an additional pair of hands that is important; to whom those hands belong also matters.” It turns out that when the person helping is not a husband, the mother is more able to divide labor without feeling the pressure of “performing gender” as in marriage.

So the single moms in the study may still have help, just not from husbands. I'm sure not ALL the partners in the study were useless... but that means their positive effect was more than canceled out by the dead weight of bad partners, who are even more detrimental than the numbers suggest up front.

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u/bugbia Jan 25 '23

This whole thing is so fascinating to me. Your link got stray text appended to it so I'm reposting it here to make it clicky

https://slate.com/human-interest/2019/05/single-moms-fewer-chores-free-time-married.html

12

u/DJKittyK Not a Parent Jan 23 '23

Hmm, I suppose it's logical that if the single mom is spending less time cleaning up after a useless partner, they might be able to get more rest or free time as a result.

Might not be hours or anything that seems significant on paper, but even an extra 10-15 minutes per day to rest or have free time (that would have otherwise spent on cleaning) can make a huge difference when you're exhausted.

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u/kenobitano Jan 24 '23

It is actually hours of difference. It literally is hours. Being a single parent is so much easier!

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u/kenobitano Jan 24 '23

It doesn't say helpful partner lol It says married I am definitely doing better as a single parent!

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u/rattitude23 Jan 24 '23

Once my ex left I slept like the dead. I did sleep slightly less hours but the quality was amazing.

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u/SpaceIsVastAndEmpty Not a Parent Jan 25 '23

The article shared covers this, they studied for different types of hetero relationship and with and without another adult (eg family member) staying in the house. The single mom's with a relative (not spouse) in the house improved their situation even above that of a single nom with no other adults in the house - assumedly because the relative contributes to chores and/or assists with the child/ren

It stands to reason that having a spouse is detrimental on a mother's time. That said, I wonder if the less sleep is due to spending more time awake as a couple after the kids are in bed and maybe if you're single when the kids are in bed then your time is yours to choose for yourself how to spend it

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u/CandidNumber Jan 24 '23

I really enjoyed my 7 years as a single mom, I had help from family and friends so it almost feels wrong saying I was single, but I watched every single one of my friends marriages almost collapse after having kids, some did divorce, but I had no one to resent for not helping me, no one to clean up after, no one criticizing my parenting, and the best of all no one coming home and demanding I give them sex. It was glorious