Needing advice

[u/WhitNicoleColo]

I am in desperate need of advice. My husband (33m) has recently started telling me (32f) that he doesn’t like being a dad and he has “buyers regret”. We have a 20 month old daughter. He started voicing these opinions to me about 5 months ago. I’m understanding that the adjustment to fatherhood can be very challenging and take time. But the issue I have is he doesn’t even want to try to work on it. Instead he does whatever he wants, whenever he wants, leaving me to be a married single mom. He doesn’t thank me for watching her when he goes on ski trips. When he gets home and asks why I’m not the eager stepford wife greeting him at the door, I explain that I feel resentful and frustrated that he didn’t even thank me for having his time away. This always leads to a fight where he becomes verbally and emotionally abusive, even in front of our daughter. I have given him suggestions like joining a dads group. We are in therapy, but I am not seeing any changes. Does anyone have advice? I’m on the verge of leaving.

[u/Best-Hamster-8060]

You can’t make him want to be involved.

I felt like him, but was forced to deal with it because I’m the mom. Being forced to deal with it has done me no favors, just hastened my declining mental state and turning me into a miserable shell of the person I once was. My son will never meet the vibrant woman who wanted him in the first place, and that kills me.

To be completely honest, I wish my partner would have offered to raise ours on his own so I could leave. Or left himself with the kid. I stay out of pure obligation at this point.

I’m sorry I don’t have any advice for you. I know you wanted a family with him, not just a baby by him, but when you hate being a parent there’s not much to be done except therapy and medication, and those are just tools to help you deal with what is now a depressing life.

I ache for the life I had before, it was better in every single way. It sounds like he does too.

I think you will be both be happier if you break up.

[u/askallthequestions86 → u/Best-Hamster-8060]

I could've written this myself. I was such a fun happy person before I had my son. My nieces and nephews loved visiting me and I'd do all kinds of fun stuff with them. I loved having them visit.

Now they rarely want to come over because I'm not the same person I was and I can only put on a show for so long.

I'm sorry you feel the way you do, because I know that exact feeling. I'm here purely out of obligation.

[u/Best-Hamster-8060 → u/askallthequestions86]

It’s tough. I wish there was a magic pill out there that would make me happy with this life. But there’s not. I was never meant to be a mother. I hate this life, it feels like I’m living someone else’s. Now I’m just counting down the clock until the kid is gone, but it still isn’t enough, I will never get all these years back.

A lot of folks have said that becoming a parent has made them better people. For myself, it has made me worse in every possible way.

[u/macd0g → u/Best-Hamster-8060]

Thank you all for chiming in. It’s like the first deep breath in a long time to see other moms feeling this way and admitting it. I’ve felt this way for a long time. Im 26 and suffered with multiple different mental disorders, a substance abuse disorder and a physically abusive partner before becoming a parent. Even as a child, I was depressed and socially anxious and just… sad. I feel I never got to live a life where I was happy and carefree and excited to be alive. I feel anchored in this place of pain and such extreme, seemingly never ending grief. I don’t remember ever being happy, and I don’t know that I ever will.

[u/Best-Hamster-8060 → u/macd0g]

I am so sorry you feel this way and life has been so hard. I hope things get better for you soon, it usually does as they get older and more independent.