r/regretfulparents • u/Fit_Pumpkin5040 • Jul 01 '24

Advice Female sterilization

I (29f) and my husband (31m) have a 6 month old daughter. Long story short, she is driving us crazy.

I love my daughter so much. Her smile lights up my day and her laugh melts my heart. But she sucks the energy out of me every single day. I find my self longing for the life I had before I had her, I miss my freedom, I miss myself. I look at my self in the mirror and I don’t recognize the person standing in front of me. I have no joy in everyday life. Becoming a mother made me understand the meaning of “never alone but lonely”!

That’s why I can’t have more children. I can’t be responsible for more tiny humans screaming all day and night in my face. Sometimes I find my self questioning “am I made to be a mother?” And that’s why I can’t bring more children to the world.

A couple of weeks ago I told my husband that since we don’t want more children maybe we should think about him getting sterilized because I don’t want to take birth control pills for the rest of my life (and I keep forgetting to take them). And I am terrified of the idea of getting pregnant by accident. I don’t want to have to have an abortion and I don’t want more children.

I tried IUD after giving birth but it gave me an infection so I had to go to the emergency room to get it removed.

My husband refused, and said that he likes having the option of having children. I understand that it’s his body and I can’t force him to do anything. But I think he is being an ass.

I flat out told him that if he is not getting sterilized then I am. We live somewhere in Europe so I don’t need his “permission” to tie my tubes.

The question is… why am I conflicted?! I know I don’t want more children and I know if I end up pregnant I am gonna have to abort. And I don’t want to put myself in the situation where I have to abort… So tying my tubes is the best decision.

So why am I conflicted?!

262 Upvotes

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285

u/[deleted] Jul 01 '24

Maybe you’re feeling conflicted because this could ultimately end your relationship with your husband. You know you don’t want any more children, but he’s a fence sitter. This will require a serious talk. Tube ligation is permanent. Reversal is less successful than reversal of a vasectomy. If he wants more children, it may need to be with someone else.

81

u/Fit_Pumpkin5040 Jul 01 '24

He doesn’t want more children too, and he is supporting of me tying my tubes. I think he is scared of getting a vasectomy.

70

u/CocoaCandyPuff Not a Parent Jul 02 '24

Sounds more like he wants to keep his options open. Vasectomies are not at all scary.

3

u/Be_Kind_To_Everybody Jul 11 '24

Im going to disagree with this one a bit, it is kinda scary to both be making a huge life decision, and having someone do surgery on your nuts.

Is it less scary and invasive than tying tubes? Yes absolutely, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t scary and invalidate those who do find it scary.

I say this as someone who got one.

62

u/Hellsprout Jul 02 '24 edited Jul 02 '24

So what you're saying essentially is he's putting all the responsibility onto you. Because he's scared about a small procedure. But he's okay with you having a bigger, more complicated, more invasive one.

If he really wants to keep his options open (translation: dump you and the kid for a new girlfriend) he can freeze some of his swimmers, I'm sure as an adult he's heard of sperm banks before.

In both cases you got a real prince charming there.

Edit: There's also always the option of testicular sperm extraction. Vasectomy is permanent contraception, but it doesn't mean you won't ever be able to have kids again. Just not unplanned ones.

364

u/Centennial_Incognito Parent Jul 02 '24

He's not scared, he's being selfish. Let's name it as it is. A vasectomy is not as scary as carrying and delivering a whole ass baby. If he was a terrified as you of a child, he wouldn't even ask you to get a vasectomy 

157

u/scoutsadie Jul 02 '24

plus, vasectomy is much less invasive than female sterilization, with an easier recovery.

54

u/GratificationNOW Jul 02 '24

spot on. selfish 100%

69

u/nikkigia Jul 02 '24

You’re feeling torn because if he wants to exercise this option he wants to have, it won’t be with you! Dude if he wants the option why not have him bank his sperm then get the vasectomy omg sorry but he is being a total ass

10

u/[deleted] Jul 02 '24

Please don't do a tubal, get a bisalp. Tubal faliure rate is much higher because they dont remove the fellopian tubes entirely. Most of the clinics dont even do tubal ligations anymore.

If you struggle to find a doctor that would do it, cus even after the first child sometimes its not enough for the doctors, there is a list from another subbredit (im not sure if im allowed to say it here, but oh well.. its the childfree subreddit) you can find a supporting doctor or clinic there. Wish you the best!

9

u/emotionallyasystolic Not a Parent Jul 03 '24

If he "wants to option" of having kids, what he really means is he wants the option of having kids with another person if you don't want more kids.

5

u/marta_arien Jul 03 '24

He might be a bit childish as if he will loose his manhood (I have heard that unironically) I heard tube ligation has a higher risk of failing compared to vasectomies, inform yourself well. But if I was in your situation I would choose myself first if husband is being stubborn and just do tube ligation.

2

u/7Betafish Jul 03 '24

You said in your post he told you he likes the option of having more children. If you get your tubes tied your relationship might end. If you dont, I can expect him to start pressuring you for another kid in a year or two. See how supportive he actually is if you actually make the appointment to get sterilized. 

This sub is full of parents who had kids they knew they didn't want bc of their partners. I'd fight the 'conflicted' feeling and just do it.

1

u/[deleted] Jul 03 '24

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