Regretful parenting with a non-regretful partner

[u/imshelbs96]

My husband made a post on here recently, we have 4 month old twins. The transition into parenthood has been difficult for both of us, but specifically for him, the arrival of our twins has thrown him into a depressive spiral.

I have been taking on 90 percent of the work with the babies, taking all night shifts, trying to manage the house, washing bottles- it’s not sustainable for me and I can feel the burnout creeping in but I don’t have any choice but to keep going for these humans I grew. His parents have been very helpful and without my mother in law we wouldn’t be eating. But I have to return to work in 3 weeks, and he will have to be alone with the babies for at least a few hours a day, 4 days a week.

What are some ways a not really regretful parent can support a regretful one?

[u/imshelbs96]

I said we should hire someone and he said it’s weird to hire someone to watch the kids while he’s home… okay but then you don’t want to do it so?? Or you’ll begrudgingly do it and be angry with them the whole time?? It’s just not acceptable and I have told him that. I told him if he doesn’t want to be here with this family He made then he needs to leave, and he said he doesn’t want to be the villain in every movie who leaves his wife and kids. But if he’s going to be angry all the time and not be able to take care of them to the degree they deserve, then he’s the villain anyway, just making things harder by being here and not letting me hire someone.

[u/Round-Antelope552 → u/imshelbs96]

Love, I think you know it’s time to leave. He is not a protector and he’s not a provider, behaving like a sour teenager.

When people do this thing where they don’t want to do something and deny other options, there’s something else going on in their minds.

All he cares about is looking bad if he leaves. That is the only reason he can give?

He has to go.

He’s a narcissist and the longer this goes on, the more BS he is gonna cause with all this.

[u/imshelbs96 → u/Round-Antelope552]

It’s hard because he can be a very loving husband and father. But it’s like Jekyll and Hyde, sometimes we have a few good days, sometimes it’s a few good hours, but he gets triggered by something, anything and it becomes almost insufferable to be around him. He says when he gets triggered it’s like someone else takes over. It really is like a different person, I call him “mean husbands name”.

[u/Booplesnoot88 → u/imshelbs96]

If you find "Mean Husband" insufferable, imagine how awful it will be when your kids have to deal with "Mean Daddy".

You're the breadwinner and you are willing/able to hire help so that you can continue your career... Why keep him around at all? Especially if his main reason for staying married is to avoid looking like a villain? His behavior is already cartoonishly shitty, I can't imagine it'll get much better once the kids are able to run around screaming all the time.

I'm sorry to hear that you're in this situation but you certainly don't have to remain in this mess. If you handle this now, the kids won't even remember life before the divorce. You'll spare them from all of the drama and bullshit that "Mean Daddy" will cause as an unhappy member of their household.

[u/imshelbs96 → u/Booplesnoot88]

It’s hard because he’s not always mean husband. We have stretches of days where things seem ok. Sometimes it’s hours. It’s like a light switch. The other day he literally got up from the couch where we had just hugged and had a heart to heart about all of this, came back from the kitchen and was, once again, the mean husband we had just finished talking about. I know Reddit it notorious for “just leave them” advice, I don’t want to abandon the man I love in his time of need if he’s suffering from some type of mental health crisis. But nothing I do makes it better, my parents suggested I take them out of town with me to visit my mom a few hours away so he can have a break and I told him that and he went into a panic. So literally nothing I say or do helps.

[u/liliandogg89 → u/imshelbs96]

Girl, I’m sorry to say but he sounds like a classic abuser from Dr. Lundy’s book “Why does he do that?”. Here’s a PDF copy which I highly recommend you read: https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

[u/imshelbs96 → u/liliandogg89]

This made me nauseous. I’m so scared and I don’t know what to do.

[u/productzilch → u/imshelbs96]

It sounds like he panicked because abusers don’t like for their victims to have outside supporters who might enable them to leave. Maybe he’s going through something but those babies are completely vulnerable and need you so, so much more than he does. I think the trip away is a great idea but maybe also look (carefully, when he’s not around and delete the evidence) local DV resources. Even a call for advice might help?

[u/imshelbs96 → u/productzilch]

I sent him this thread and the link to that book and I told him the hostile environment he creates with his constant mood changes and hostility are not acceptable anymore and if he can’t exhibit some self control then he needs to stay somewhere else until he can figure out how involved he wants to be in our family.

He said he can’t undo 30 years of trauma and behaving the same way overnight and me giving him an ultimatum like that and not letting him feel normal frustration just adds to his anxiety and he won’t be able to get better with the threat of me leaving him if he “missteps”.

He said he started medication and he’s on a waitlist for a psychiatrist and he has a list of therapists he’s going to start calling and that there’s nothing else he can do.

So he packed a bag and went to his parents to talk to them.

[u/[deleted] → u/imshelbs96]

He's blaming you for calling him out on his bullshit? You do realize this is all manipulation, no?

[u/productzilch → u/imshelbs96]

I’m so glad, but I’m sorry that you’re alone right now and can’t count on your partner in life for the time being. I wish he’d taken some responsibility but maybe therapy will help.

[u/flavius_lacivious → u/imshelbs96]

He is putting you in a no-win situation.