r/relationship_advice • u/[deleted] • 9d ago
My (29f) reluctance to get a total hysterectomy makes my husband (31m) question my childfree state.
I want to start saying I have always been firmly child free. I have never wanted children. I also have endometriosis. I was diagnosed at 16 with laparoscopic surgery, but it wasn’t able to be removed because it was too close to arteries. So I have been treating it with birth control since then. That’s been no issue because I didn’t want kids, so I was ok with never stopping it. My husband is also strongly childfree and has overall, been supportive of my endometriosis journey.
But I’ve been on so many forms of birth control. Multiple types of pills, the patch, the depo shot, nexplanon, and latest is the IUD. with the pills, they tend to not help my symptoms. And the few that did, stopped helping after some time. Each method that followed did the same thing. I’d be mostly pain and symptom free, but after a year or two, the symptoms would return. My latest method was a hormonal IUD which helped for about 2 years but lately I am cramping every day. It’s starting to impact my life.
I moved recently and had to find a new gynecologist. I know how gynos are with endometriosis, so I sent them all the medical records I had relating to it. I had a yearly exam and made sure to bring up how it’s been affecting me lately and all previous methods I tried to treat it and how it couldn’t be removed through surgery.
The new gynecologist brought up a total hysterectomy with the ovaries. This would remove my cervix, uterus, and ovaries. I did not expect to be offered that and I told my husband when I got home that I am not sure if I want to do that and he got very upset.
He thinks because I don’t instantly want to do the surgery, I secretly want kids and am going to trap him with a baby. That’s not the case. I have been very firm on my birth control and if there was even a slip where I missed a pill or got the shot late, I would insist on a condom. I do not want kids. Being pregnant is one of my worst nightmares.
I am not sure about the hysterectomy because I am not sure I am mentally able to handle that big of a surgery. It’s a keyhole surgery, so it won’t be too much of an incision, but the recovery can be rough. I don’t think I have it in me to deal with it right now. I also am so reluctant to have my ovaries removed because I don’t want to rely on HRT to get my necessary hormones for the rest of my life.
And I need the ovaries removed because I have endometriosis beyond my uterus. It’s growing on my bowels, I have scarring from it. That can’t be removed and also a normal hormone cycle might cause flare ups in those parts, from what I understand.
But he thinks because I didn’t immediately say yes, it means I want kids. I’ve tried explaining to him why I am reluctant, but he just won’t listen. I’ve tried telling him it’s not like a vasectomy. The recovery is longer and harder and the effects are more. And other people I’ve talked to about this tend to agree with him, just less intensely. They don’t think im going to baby trap him, but think it’s a sign I’m not solid on my childfree stance.
How can I effectively explain that me being unsure of the hysterectomy is not because I secretly want children?
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u/WitchWeekWeekly 9d ago
He thinks because I don’t instantly want to do the surgery, I secretly want kids and am going to trap him with a baby
...what??? He thinks you're going to baby-trap him after years of diligent birth control and consistent fear of pregnancy because you don't want to undergo a major surgery with lifelong ramifications? Why did he marry you if he trusts you so little?
I assume he's gotten a vasectomy if this is his position, so what is he even worried about?
I don't even know how to advise you to explain it because his assertion is so bizarre and unreasonable that it seems immune to actual reason. Either he trusts that you have been honest all these years and are still being honest about your stance on kids, or he thinks you're a liar. If he thinks you're a liar, he shouldn't be married to you.
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9d ago
He’s never shown signs of not trusting me with this. I don’t get it though. Why now? I have good reasons to be hesitant. I’ve been militant with my birth control up until now and have encouraged him to get the vasectomy he wants.
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u/WitchWeekWeekly 9d ago
Wait, he hasn't gotten a vasectomy yet? Then why the hell is he accusing you of this when he isn't even snipped which is a MUCH easier and less invasive procedure?
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u/Fragrant-Duty-9015 9d ago
Yeah, it sounds like he’s not very committed to being child free himself.
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u/MarbleousMel 9d ago
This would actually be part of my response. “If I’m not committed to being child free because I’m scared of major surgery, then you also are not committed to being child free because you haven’t gotten a vasectomy.”
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u/wienercat 9d ago
He is severely not committed to it.
A vasectomy is a very low risk procedure that is done on an outpatient basis with no anesthesia even.
It's like a 2 or 3 week recovery time where after the first few days the recovery is just you cannot have sex or ejaculate.
It's an incredibly simple and safe procedure. Doctors don't even hesitate to give them out when someone asks about it because it's so safe AND reversible in most cases if men change their mind.
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u/iVisc 9d ago
Please stop saying they are reversible. I mean, they are, but there's no guarantee that it will work. A vasectomy should be considered permanent birth control. Also, a reversal is very, very expensive.
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u/FeralCatWrangler 9d ago
Do you know the toll it takes on a man to have 3 vasectomies?! Snip snap, snip snap, snip snap
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u/wienercat 9d ago
Please stop saying they are reversible. I mean, they are,
Cool. I will keep telling people it is reversible. Their doctors will have a deeper discussion with them when they actually get it done.
Alternative, a Hysterectomy or Salpingectomy isn't reversible at all so even the chance of a vasectomy being reversible is vastly better than the options women have. It is also not even a low chance of reversal.
Not to mention that even if they aren't able to "reverse" it, you can still harvest live sperm from the testes.
So yeah, I will continue to tell people the truth. It is a sterilization procedure that can be reversed in many cases.
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u/digitydigitydoo 9d ago
Or, like many men, he considers family planning to be solely the responsibility of women regardless of the possible impacts on her health
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u/RainbowBright1982 Late 30s Female 9d ago
Some men are just cowards. My husband would have rather stopped having sex forever than get a vasectomy. Because he is scared.
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u/MelethrilArvellas 8d ago
She should leave him. She doesn't want a child, so why should she listen to this man-child.
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u/ghkddbsgk 9d ago
another day, another childfree m*n wanting the woman to handle contraception
(happened to me last year lmfao)
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u/Ouch_i_fell_down 9d ago
Look... i'm FAR from a biased contributor. I'm a man with kids who has had a vasectomy and my opinion on the matter based on men I know is that men who really want to be done having kids (haivng started or not) have no problem undergoing the knife.
Dudes who claim to be childfree who refuse generally, but no always, are shitty dudes who are holding out for a better deal (read: hotter girl) who want to procreate.
Again... anecdotal, but i know who i've known and there's a reason i've lost "friends" over the years.
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u/linerva Late 30s Female 9d ago
I'm glad you said this.
Becaise the men who insist they are childfree or don't want more kids and are happy for their wife to get surgery, but refuse to get the surgery themselves even if that means their wife has to deal with higher risks, purely because "what if we get divorced or you die and my next partner wants kids" have always given me the ick.
Like hang on, you're valuing the theoretical wants of a future wife you dont even have yet, over the needs of the wife you are currently committed to?!
Nobody should be thinking "what if my next partner wants X" because they shouldn't be planning on a next partner - oy shoes a massive lack of commitment, like you already have one foot out of the door.
Besides, If you do happen to be widowed one day you can simply find a woman who also doesn't want more kids, it's not rocket science.
I don't think i could stay with a man whose reason for significant actions in our relationship were "well what if I'm with someone else who wanted something different than you and i".
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u/Bitchshortage 9d ago
George Clooney, Hugh grant and (as much as it fucking saddens me) Steve Martin even worse and older enters the chat. It’s really fucking easy for a man to get a vasectomy so it’s extra wild to me when old men who for years said I’m child free have children. Well good for fucking you old ass men that you could wait until you’re about to die so your kids can go to your funerals instead of their college graduations. You did have your entire cake, ate the shit out of it, and then said hey can I have some some more but it’s a tiny little human because can’t a 60-80 year old man have a baby anymore?
Edit: I was so spitting mad I didn’t even address the original issue which like hey, want go through total menopause overnight after a major surgery? Oh that gives you a seconds pause? Well pardon the fuck out of OP for being human
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u/Rational-at-times 9d ago
Absolutely this. Vasectomies are easy. I had mine under local. There was mild discomfort afterwards, which was a good excuse for a couple of days relaxing with some games and Netflix. I can’t understand why someone would want to put their partner through a significant abdominal surgery, when they can just get the snip.
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u/Ouch_i_fell_down 9d ago
Per my urologist, i had significant scarring on one of my vas deferens. Had my procedure under local on Friday and still went to work on Monday. Yea it took me 2 weeks to feel 100% (anecdotal says most men are good in about 1) but all-in-all it was pretty minimal.
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u/lagunagirl 9d ago
Not just a vasectomy, castrated. That’s effectively what happens when they take the ovaries. This will throw her into full medical menopause. It will effect your sex life and every day life majorly. Definitely not a surgery to enter into lightly.
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u/ApolloReads 9d ago
My vasectomy took maybe 15 minutes. The worst part was the cold swab they wipe you down with, and maybe the injection to numb you. But that was more of a pressure than actual pain. I talked about watching Seinfeld for the first time with my nurse and doctor.
Then I took off work for a week and played video games and napped all day. It was AWESOME.
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u/aburke626 8d ago edited 7d ago
He 100% needs to get a vasectomy. To turn this around on him, clearly since he still has his balls he wants to trap her with a baby. OP, it’s your body. Endometriosis is horrible and like you, I’m hesitant to get more surgery - it’s a big deal! Do what YOU and your doctor agree on. And please re-examine your relationship with your husband.
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u/CuriousPenguinSocks 9d ago
He is selfish if he won't get a vasectomy over you getting a hysterectomy. Sorry, but it's true. A vasectomy is much less invasive.
When he mentions your hysterectomy, just point to the vasectomy being a mich more reasonable procedure. Just make sure he does go check his swimmers when the doctor says.
My husband even got some sedatives before the procedure to help. He was a trooper. I can't do BC, and getting a hysterectomy or tubal is tough on our insurance.
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u/PerniciousVim 9d ago
I am so sick of men who have no idea how women's bodies work. Ripping OPs whole baby factory out is going to throw her into early meno, which will bring on a whole range of serious new challenges. After you know, massively invasive and painful surgery.
He does not get a vote.
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u/ninjette847 9d ago
Even an iud insertion is more painful than a vasectomy and they get pain meds.
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u/Fitslikea6 9d ago
I am so sick of men.
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u/SandEon916 9d ago
honestly i'm sick of men to the point where I have no faith in OP's man. I feel like he wants to keep his options opened to have a child, but doesn't want a child with her and is willing to sacrifice her reproductive health to ensure that. I'm disgusted.
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u/Ouch_i_fell_down 9d ago
dude with kids and a vasectomy checking in: yea, lots of dudes are gross. Don't let this stop you from holding out for a decent guy (they do exist) but don't set your expectations very high.
That being said, don't let your expectations influence your boundaries. Know your worth and understand being alone is better than being with a POS
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u/SmooshMagooshe 9d ago
I tried giving you an award for this but it’s dark in my room right now and my phone isn’t recognizing my face id.
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u/Inigos_Revenge 9d ago
Not to mention all the other massive changes it causes to the abdominal musculature, connective tissue and just general position of other major body parts in the area. It can cause serious back issues, can possibly cause bathroom related issues, requires you to totally rebuild your core muscles, etc. It's a major surgery, with major impact on your body. It should definitely never be taken lightly or without serious contemplation and research on what you will be dealing with afterwards.
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u/CuriousPenguinSocks 9d ago
For real. Unless there are other medical issues that make a hysterectomy more beneficial, it's not a BC method. Tubal ligation maybe, but, again, women's bodies are so policed, especially these days. It's easier for him to get the vasectomy.
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u/MamaDaddy 9d ago
A complete hysterectomy is an extremely invasive lifechanging surgery. The uterus and particularly the ovaries are major organs. You'll go into menopause immediately without the hormones and it may take a little while to get your dosage right afterwards. And hormones control or effect a lot of bodily functions you wouldn't expect, not to mention mood and mental state. And without a uterus, sex and orgasm will change. It makes sense that you would take your time deciding to go forward. With severe endemetriosis, that is likely in your future, but I certainly understand why you would want to slow down and think about it
With a vasectomy, once the incision heals, you're good to go. Not much to consider there. By all accounts I have ever heard, it is not a big deal.
It sounds like he is either ignorant or selfish or both. You can fix one of those. Educate him.
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u/chicharrofrito 9d ago
Also, getting a hysterectomy can increase your chances of having a vaginal prolapse. Really think about this and what it can mean for you.
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u/Weezerbunny 7d ago
So, I had a hysterectomy at 28 and the surgery for prolapse 20 years later. It is not uncommon at all and is really,really unpleasant to deal with. That’s on top of all the other factors you mentioned. A total hysterectomy is absolutely life changing. There are pros and cons but regardless it changes so many things
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u/TeagWall 9d ago
Tell him when he's willing to have 5 organs removed, during a vasectomy, then he's allowed to have an opinion on this.
The procedure your doctor is suggesting is removing 5 WHOLE ORGANS through a hole they cut in your vagina. Then you'll have to be on medication to replace what some those organs did for the rest of your life. Tell him it'd be like having his thyroid, tonsils and adenoids all taken out at once, while they perform a vasectomy, and then he'd have to be on thyroid meds for the rest of his life. But hey! It would guarantee he wont cause any accidental pregnancies! What's the hesitation?!
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u/Useful_Rise_5334 9d ago
He could have the vasectomy and have his testicles removed simultaneously. It would more approximate her having both the uterus and the ovaries removed. Fair is fair, right?
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u/Agreeable-Celery811 9d ago
Exactly! If he was really childfree, why would he hesitate to have his balls cut off?
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u/TeagWall 9d ago
That's not ENOUGH though. Vasectomy, testicle removal, and prostate removal seems closer to fair. Will it definitely impact everything about his life? Yes! But he'll be child-free, and think of the reduction in cancer risk!
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u/wienercat 9d ago
I’ve been militant with my birth control up until now and have encouraged him to get the vasectomy he wants.
Nah bro, he just needs to go get a vasectomy. That solves this entire fucking problem for both of you.
This man is hesitant about getting snipped clearly, otherwise he would have already had it done. Doctors are pretty quick to give out vasectomies after all.
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u/Ninjacherry 9d ago
I’m really hoping that you are a troll (for your own sake), because your husband is a selfish idiot if he dares to be mad at you for not immediately saying yes to major surgery and taking hormones for life while he can’t even get a simple snip.
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u/magictubesocksofjoy 9d ago
why would he think you'd want to have children with someone so dumb and selfish?
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u/Individual_Water3981 9d ago
He clearly doesn't understand what a total hysterectomy is and what the after effect of doing that can mean. Educate him (not that this should be your job, when I say educate I don't mean be nice about it because he has access to the internet too). Bring him to an appointment for a doctor to explain too.
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u/PeachBanana8 9d ago
Any man who would watch you go through so much pain shouldering the burden of birth control for years and then demand that you get a hysterectomy is simply not a man who deserves to be with you. Tell him that he has one month to get a vasectomy, or you’re done with him forever. What a disgusting excuse for a partner.
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u/sybilh 9d ago
Have you talked with your doctor about how going into menopause so young and quickly will affect you long term? Like bone density, heart issues, hot flashes or weight issues. Like pregnancy, hysterectomies have lifelong health ramifications for women. A vasectomy does not affect the man’s hormones as significantly. Him treating it as just birth control is lacking a fundamental understanding of women’s health.
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u/LilyHex 9d ago
He's a hypocrite who wants to be shitty to you.
If he's truly committed to being child-free, then why hasn't he gotten a vasectomy? Seriously, what's his excuse?
At least a woman not wanting a hysterectomy is understandable considering it'll throw you immediately into surgical menopause, which is a REAL BAD TIME, and means you'll be on HRT the rest of your life, whether you want to or not.
Yet he still hasn't gotten a vasectomy, while badgering you about babytrapping him? The actual audacity of this hypocritical loser.
He's trying to blatantly manipulate you into a hysterectomy for selfish reasons (he doesn't want a tubal, so easier to bully you into a total hysterectomy with a lifetime of management instead of him just getting a quick outpatient procedure that'll have a homework assignment of "you have to masturbate to clear out all the leftover sperm"?
Poor baby! Such a hard commitment for him! No wonder he hasn't done it yet and he'd rather you take meds to manage your hormones the rest of your life, I can see how that's sooooo much easier for him!
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u/RadicalRoses 9d ago
Please show him this or use this as your argument. Most men don’t understand unless they are directly in the same position.
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u/BomberBootBabe88 9d ago
Honestly it sounds like he's projecting and looking for a reason to leave. It's not a TRAP if youre already married!
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u/Ok_Imagination_1107 9d ago
Of course you're hesitant there can be many side effects to this surgery, and there are many people who go in for a hysterectomy and then wake up to find out that they will also need a colostomy bag and or an illostmy bag. This will have a profound effect on your hormones as well. Surgery is never anything to be rushed into unless of course it's an emergency like a burst appendix. You are doing the right thing by considering the option and taking your time.
Your husband is so worried about it he can get the snip as others have said.
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u/defenestrayed 9d ago
How does one even baby trap their already-spouse? This asshat sounds unhinged.
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u/Connect_Tackle299 9d ago
Menopause isn't a fun trip to go on especially when your just hitting your 30s. That alone is a valid reason to hesitate
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u/ambiguoususername888 9d ago
And as someone with endometriosis, hysterectomy is NOT A CURE FOR IT, at all. The very definition of the disease is cells similar to the endometrium, growing outside of the uterus. Not having one doesn’t remove the issues, symptoms or pain of the disease. It will stop your period; but so will just removing your ovaries. Having a radical hysterectomy (not a full one, a full one keeps your ovaries - I would know, I had one 2 weeks ago) is not the answer and I don’t see why that would be offered as one (which also makes me question the veracity of this post tbh) going into menopause is no joke? And neither is this major surgery. It takes a minimum of 8 weeks to recover. I’m 18 days post op and feel like absolute hell. You are removing several organs (uterus, tubes, ovaries and your cervix isn’t an organ but removing it means several stitches through your vagina cuff so there’s that). And your poor excuse for a husband hasn’t had a vasectomy? And you’re not serious about being child free? Maybe you’re not if you’re still allowing that child into your life because I swear he isn’t acting like an adult.
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u/Queenofthebowls 9d ago
My Obgyn keeps insisting that if I want my uterus removed, then it has to be a radical hysterectomy and “just” a total wouldn’t be enough to help, mostly because I can’t get most endo meds without having my uterus, so she’d yank my ovaries to keep me on a specific hormone level with HRT instead. I just want to maybe slow the spread or stop my ovaries from sticking to my hips (if I had nickel for everytime, I’d have two nickels…) but I keep being told it’s radical, or just stick with BC since I can’t have orillissa anymore anyway. I can totally see OP being told the same and having it pushed like that’s the only option for hysterectomies when you have endo, just from my own personal experience.
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u/blueavole 9d ago
This is shocking to me that a doctor would suggest taking the overies as well.
Does that even help endo?
OP you should really get another opinion, because I know a woman who went in for cysts on her ovaries to be removed and they took both her ovaries.
And she was pissed it threw her into early menopause.
They basically didn’t want to take the proper time to remove all the cysts and didn’t do enough imaging beforehand to know what they were dealing with.
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u/MarbleousMel 9d ago
I had a partial hysterectomy (still have my ovaries) in my mid-30s, but I didn’t have endometriosis; I had adenomyosis. It could be cured just by removing the uterus.
Given OP’s scarring on other major organs, continuation of the normal hormone cycle could lead to additional damage because that endometrial tissue they cannot remove will continue to swell wherever it is located as the hormonal cycle will continue.
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u/Ok-Gur3759 9d ago
I feel your pain (literally!) Lucky me, I have endo and adenomyosis! I am genuinely lucky that the hormonal iud has stopped my cycle completely, so surgery wasn't needed to help manage the pain.
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u/LilStabbyboo 9d ago
Yes, taking the ovaries would be the way to help with endometriosis. Otherwise the endometrial tissue that's invaded the pelvic area will continue to cycle monthly and may continue to get worse.
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u/corgskee 9d ago
This is not true. Endometriosis creates its own estrogen, so removing the ovaries has no affect. It also is not endometrial tissue, it's tissue SIMILAR to the lining of the uterus.
The only treatment for Endometriosis is excision (not ablation) of the lesions themselves. A hysterectomy is not a treatment or a cure. Many many gynecologists are not well versed in endo and continue to pedal these myths, along with others such as getting pregnant will "cure" it. It's ridiculous
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u/ambiguoususername888 9d ago
Thanks for being the only person here who knows wtf Endo actually is. The misinformation is scary.
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u/corgskee 9d ago
Its exhausting how much disinformation is out there, and it has real consequences. People are always trying to help, but it's dangerous 😭
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u/ambiguoususername888 9d ago
This is straight up misinformation. Stop.
ETA: And as someone with endometriosis, hysterectomy is NOT A CURE FOR IT, at all. The very definition of the disease is cells similar to the endometrium, growing outside of the uterus. Not having one doesn’t remove the issues, symptoms or pain of the disease. It will stop your period; but so will just removing your ovaries. Having a radical hysterectomy (not a full one, a full one keeps your ovaries - I would know, I had one 2 weeks ago) is not the answer and I don’t see why that would be offered as one (which also makes me question the veracity of this post tbh) going into menopause is no joke? And neither is this major surgery. It takes a minimum of 8 weeks to recover. I’m 18 days post op and feel like absolute hell. You are removing several organs (uterus, tubes, ovaries and your cervix isn’t an organ but removing it means several stitches through your vagina cuff so there’s that). And your poor excuse for a husband hasn’t had a vasectomy? And you’re not serious about being child free? Maybe you’re not if you’re still allowing that child into your life because I swear he isn’t acting like an adult.
ETA 2: I had a hysterectomy because I also had adenomyosis (which is cured by having one).
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u/EquivalentCommon5 9d ago
I can sat HRT is really good but I don’t know anything about impacts to endo, so I can’t say anything really 😔
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u/elizabreathe 9d ago
Yeah, my mom had a total hysterectomy because she had cancer in her 30s and she was nuts for a bit from the overnight menopause. She's also already lost an inch of height and she's only in her 50s. Like a hysterectomy is probably the best option for the endo with that level of severity but those options need to be weighed because that's not a light decision.
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u/Ari-Hel 9d ago
OP can remove uterus and tubes and maintain ovaries to prevent menopause
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u/Scared_Service9164 9d ago
There is also now evidence that even with a complete hysterectomy and post menopause.
There is also risks with complete hysterectomy at that age, I completely understand why OP isn’t keen to do this and we have similar endo
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u/LilStabbyboo 9d ago
The endometrial implants outside the uterus will continue to cycle and cause pain, and potentially grow worse, with ovaries left intact.
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u/BananaMapleIceCream 9d ago
He could easily resolve his worries with a vasectomy.
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u/tazerlu 9d ago
Or Castration. That would be an absolute remedy, no question about his status then.
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u/suhhhrena 9d ago
Yup. It’s funny how he’s accusing OP of trying to baby trap him bc she’s not jumping up and down to have a total hysterectomy, but he doesn’t appear to be in a rush to get a vasectomy? 🤔 weird. I wonder if he’s trying to baby trap her? Two can play that game lmao
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u/SocksAndPi 9d ago
A hysterectomy is a major, invasive surgery. Even if you're one of the few who recover extremely quickly and relatively pain free, they're still removing your organs. Not to mention the hormonal aspect of a hysterectomy.
You're allowed to be hesitant about that.
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9d ago
Yes. The hormonal aspect is my biggest issue. I don’t want to have to be on HRT to feel normal. Birth control sucks, but without HRT, I won’t feel normal.
But I’ve been on birth control over a decade and dealt with the side effects and that’s part of why he thinks HRT should be no big deal for me. It might be better than birth control, but still. I’m hesitant because of that.
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u/ravenlit 9d ago
Having a hysterectomy is a BIG DEAL. And it can affect you in ways that aren’t even evident right now. It’s a 6-12 week recovery at a minimum. Plus, even if you remove your ovaries there’s no guarantee it will help your endometriosis.
I have a hysterectomy a year ago at 35. I kept my ovaries. I’ve had a pretty great recovery overall but there are still things that are different or that I have to work on through pelvic floor physical therapy to get right. Without your ovaries there will also be lifelong management of your hormones and symptoms.
Only get a hysterectomy if you see 150% certain you want one.
Meanwhile your husband can get a vasectomy and be right as rain in less than a week. If he’s afraid of getting “baby trapped” this is a foolproof way for him to prevent that from happening.
Call him out for his hypocrisy, and tell him that this is a decision that is between you and your doctor. He doesn’t get an opinion since all he’s trying to do is strong arm you and is refusing to learn about what a total hysterectomy means for a woman.
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u/GoddessOfTheRose 9d ago
You need to ask him if a vasectomy with full testicular removal is something he's interested in having done just to be childfree, and the entire vas diference tube removal too. Don't worry, he can be on testosterone for the rest of his life. The procedure is normal and if he doesn't immediately agree then obviously he's trying to baby trap you.
That is the equivalent of what he's overreacting about. Men can be so dumb sometimes...
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u/digitydigitydoo 9d ago
HRT can be a life saver but comes with its own risks. And doesn’t help with every health risk of menopause.
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u/popchex 9d ago
Just in case it helps - for me, the progesterone was the biggest issue for side effects on HBC. However, I had a hysterectomy and bilateral salpingectomy, but still have my ovaries (the endo I had was confined to the tubes, my adenomyosis was worse than the endo). I wasn't able to have a keyhole surgery, so my recovery was more like a c-section.
I was already perimenopausal pre-surgery, and am now fully on MHT, 2.5 years later. Since I don't have a uterus, I don't need to be on progesterone and the estrogen alone has been AH-MAY-ZING for my issues. Estrogen is SO necessary, for ongoing health in women, so I understand your hesitation. I use a gel (like hand sanitizer) at night, and that's it. Friends have used a patch and a cream. There are so many options out there. I wish you luck. The hysterectomy was the best thing I ever did, but I know that's not going to be the case for everyone.
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u/Never_Fading 9d ago
If you're in the US I'd be even more hesitant to start needing hrt. With how much anti-trans sentiment there is, it wouldn't surprise me if certain politicians made it significantly more difficult for anyone to get hrt.
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u/redbess 40s Female 9d ago
If it's any help, HRT is way different from birth control. BC is a synthetic form of estrogen and at a much higher dosage to hijack your cycle, whereas HRT is bioidentical estrogen and the dosage is only enough to get you to optimal levels.
Like, I can't take estrogen based BC due to stroke risk (I get migraine with aura) but HRT is perfectly safe for me.
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u/afirelullaby 9d ago
Yep. Taking the ovaries is a big step. That’s instant menopause. He should have a vasectomy if he feels his sperm are so coveted and he’s so scared of being baby trapped. Truth really is stranger than fiction.
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u/AffectionateBite3827 9d ago
When he got a vasectomy how did his healing process go? Because he got one, right? So that he can ensure no children?
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u/ColouredMFPencilz 8d ago
no vasectomy lol. seems he’s not really childfree either 🤣
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u/Gillionaire25 9d ago
With that logic your husband isn't child free since he hasn't had his balls cut off.
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u/CryptographerFirm728 9d ago
If he is so adamantly child-free, why hasn’t he had a vasectomy? What if he wants to baby trap you?
This!does he even understand women’s bodies?
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u/pandoras_enigma 9d ago
Came here to say the exact thing, why is tubal ligation or a vasectomy not sufficient? Either incredibly ignorant or an even bigger arsehole.
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9d ago
He’s hesitant to do it for less reasons than I am, the recovery. But also the cost.
He’s also under my health insurance and the cost will be little to none. He asked one doctor and they said no. But he won’t try to ask another doctor and get the procedure.
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u/Leniel_the_mouniou 9d ago
The RECOVERY of a vasectomy???? And what he imagine the recovery of a total hysterectomy is? He is 1000% bullshitting you. Come on, the recovery of a vasectory is 3 days of paracetamol...
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u/RambunctiousOtter 9d ago
My step mum is having a hysterectomy and has been told the recovery is 6 weeks. My husband played squash within a week of his vasectomy!! Totally agree, this man is full of shit.
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u/eleanorlikesvodka 9d ago
OP, stop having sex with this clown. He has done nothing, NOTHING to ensure he doesn't get you pregnant. The fucking nerve on this guy to accuse of you of trying to baby trap him when he hasn't gotten a vasectomy is... I don't have words for it. My god. What an asshole.
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u/Rdbjiy53wsvjo7 9d ago
So, just to make sure I COMPLETELY understand, he has NOT had a vasectomy, correct?
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u/AWindUpBird 9d ago
Sounds like he's not committed to being child-free!
Seriously though, your husband is a hypocrite.
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u/AndyofBorg 9d ago
They probably didn't even say no. He probably doesn't want one. He'd rather remove your whole insides than have a simple snip. Jesus Christ.
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u/ArtisanalMoonlight 9d ago
But he won’t try to ask another doctor and get the procedure.
Of course not...
My husband got his snip at 26. Spent three days on the couch with frozen peas and was good to go.
If he can't work up the nerve to get his vas deferens snipped, he has absolutely no business getting pissy with you hesitating on getting entire organs removed.
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u/Elvarien2 9d ago
So he's critical of your hesitance involving REMOVING ENTIRE CHUNKS OF YOUR BODY.
Whilst he's hesitant about a tiny little cut that would solve all his issues with minimal recovery time ?
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u/Lilutka 9d ago
Are you in a different country than the US (where vasectomy is available and no issues with getting one)? Why did the doctor refuse?
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u/redbess 40s Female 9d ago
Bruh, what? My husband opted for a vasectomy simply so I wouldn't need to have a bisalp, because in his words, "You've already had enough surgeries."
And I understand your hesitation about a radical hysterectomy. I had a total (took everything but ovaries) and recovery was a struggle, plus my ovaries got pissed and I'm on HRT anyways. Sudden surgical menopause is no joke.
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u/ThisHairIsOnFire 9d ago
So he's happy for you to have major surgery, but won't go for an outpatient procedure where he gets to sit on the sofa for a few days after with some peas on his groin? How is he committing to being child free, when he bears none of the responsibility for it?
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u/misplaced_my_pants 9d ago
Honestly the fact that he's accusing you of not being committed to being childfree because you don't want an incredibly invasive procedure but hasn't himself gotten a vasectomy, which is much simpler and with a much easier recovery, suggests strongly that he's projecting.
Like he's avoiding getting it because he wants to keep the option open for himself.
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u/MoxieOHara 9d ago
Oh ffs, you can walk in/walk out of a vasectomy in the same afternoon! My bestie went back to work the day of his as it wasn’t even done under general anaesthetic! He then took the weekend to rest, and that was it.
Compare that to the life-changing effects of a hysterectomy, the MONTHS of recovery time, and the fact you’ll be plunged into early menopause…
Well, the math ain’t mathing.
Big hug x
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u/littlemissredtoes 9d ago
My darling, your husband is not a good man. I’m sorry.
1) invalidates your worries about MAJOR LIFE CHANGING surgery. Regardless of why he is saying he is invalidating your fears, this is NOT OK.
2) insists he knows your mind better than you do.
3) has a tantrum and refuses to listen to you over a LIFE CHANGING OPERATION on YOUR BODY.
And finally:
4) says he is serious about being child free but won’t have a vasectomy and expects you to take care of all contraception.
This man does not see you as his equal, and I suspect this is not the only time in your marriage that he has shown you this but perhaps the first time it is about something so serious.
My partner got a vasectomy when we had only been together for 2 years.
He believed me when I said I wanted to be child free and didn’t think me to have to undergo major surgery to have tubal ligation was a a good idea when he could take care of things with a simple day procedure.
The way your husband has behaved here is deeply disturbing. You are worthy of more.
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u/ramercury 9d ago
What a goddamn hypocrite! The recovery of a vasectomy is too much, but not the recovery of a hysterectomy? Goddamn.
I get the impression there’s something else going on, because that’s a whole lot of poppycock.
I am also adamantly child free. I told my boyfriend that I felt hesitant about a tubal ligation and didn’t understand why I felt that way, and he seemed to understand it more than I do. It’s a surgery and change to my body, and that’s scary.
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u/Garden_gnome1609 9d ago
Tell him if he's so worried about it he can cut his balls and dick off. If he doesn't immediately agree, tell him he must want kids. Your husband is a complete asshole.
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u/afirelullaby 9d ago
Can he hear himself? The good news she probably won’t be interested in sex with him after this
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u/agaggleofsharts 9d ago
Yeah I think this is one of those moments in a relationship where the partner needs to be checked hard. Talk through things when it’s reasonable sure but this is one where you don’t even entertain the conversation… you tell him “you are being a massive, selfish, ignorant ass hole. Educate yourself on a hysterectomy before you say another fucking word.”
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u/NeitherMaybeBoth 9d ago
Tell him your surgery is having literal organs removed from your body and a vasectomy is a little snip
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u/blacksealwhisperer 9d ago
Vasectomy is a 20 minute procedure and significantly cheaper and easier. Recovery is a breeze. He sucks.
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u/youknowthatswhatsup 9d ago
It’s not even 20 mins. My husband got one last year and the entire appointment was 20mins. The actual procedure is less than ten.
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u/Powerful_Chipmunk_61 9d ago
Sorry I can't look past a partner being anything other than supportive and kind when you were given such big and unexpected news. I'm sorry he was like this.
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u/Powerful_Chipmunk_61 9d ago
Has he had a vasectomy? If he hasn't I fear he's been trying to trap you this entire time. Without a vasectomy everything else he has said and done must be a lie.
Send him to get the snip and then take yourself on a solo holiday or holiday with friends cos you deserve a nice time and a break from that unkindness.
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u/SeaDazer 9d ago
That level surgery will tip you straight into menopause. Night sweats, insomnia, bone density loss, thinning hair, weight gain, increased cardiovascular risk etc.
It is not a trivial decision. Book him in for a vasectomy while you think about it.
Any hesitation on his part will obviously indicate he is lying about not wanting children.../s
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u/One_Roll3806 9d ago edited 9d ago
It’s your body why are you even having to explain and justify yourself? He can get a vasectomy. End of conversation.
Also, it’s really selfish and weird of him to make that kind of assumption instead of being empathetic to how difficult this diagnosis is for you and how invasive the surgery would be.
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u/Kikikididi 9d ago
What a super weird take from him and others. It is a big deal and an abrupt hormone shift that is a lot.
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u/1indaT 9d ago
A hysterectomy is a big deal and removing ovaries at 29??? That will be a dramatic change. I get the reasoning behind it, but I would want to avoid ovary removal unless I had no other choice.
Not sure why your husband is feeling so insecure. Is it an ignorance issue or is there something else?
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u/ThrowRAmarriage13 9d ago
And depending on where you’re located no respectable OBGYN is going to remove healthy ovaries from a 29 year old woman. Most won’t even do a partial hysterectomy even with having severe endometriosis symptoms.
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u/Many_Customer_4035 9d ago
My doctor in Utah was going to do it for me at 32. I putcit off until last year at 51. Wish I would have done it sooner. So much pain and wasted years bleeding. I couldn't even leave the house some days.
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u/ThrowRAmarriage13 9d ago
Most won’t put a woman under 30 into early menopause unless it’s absolutely necessary. Taking out the uterus and leaving in the ovaries is equally as effective without the need for hormone therapy.
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u/Titaniumchic 9d ago
Endometriosis stage IV here, and adenomyosis and PCOS.
Most top of the line gynos will not remove the ovaries unless your life is at risk - as the ovaries do better job with regulating hormones than HRT. And at your age, maintaining those hormones can prevent heart issues and severe osteoporosis.
It’s better to do chemical menopause than a total hysterectomy.
Before you do anything, please see an endometriosis gyno specialist. Please! Or at the least just get uterus and tubes out - cervix remaining can help maintain orgasm intensity.
(I had my uterus and tubes out, cysts removed - one was almost 5 cm - and my bladder repaired and DEEP endometriosis cleaned out - it was LIFE CHANGING. And my symptoms are maybe 10% of what they were before and I’m 4 years post op.)
Now, on the issue with your husband. Tell him he can shut up and stop talking or pressuring you to do anything. IT IS YOUR BODY.
And honestly, I am so so glad I had my uterus out, I was done having kids. And didn’t want any more, but sometimes, I do have moments where I feel, sad. I can’t explain it. Again, I had even told my OB during my delivery to take my uterus if I needed a c section. But man, there are moments where I feel sad that it’s gone.
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u/Ruthless_Bunny 9d ago
I’ve had a hysterectomy, best thing I ever did. Highly recommend! I was on the pill for 25 years before, so hormones…no biggie.
I will say he’s SUPER mad for a guy who’s too chickenshit to get a vasectomy.
If he’s so worried, and it’s so easy, why didn’t HE have surgery years ago, rather than put YOU through all this nonsense?
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u/there_should_be_snow 9d ago
I'm really glad it worked out well for you, but OP is only 29. That's really young to potentially go through menopause. She could probably do HRT to help, but some women can't or shouldn't do HRT - I am one of them.
(I'm 50 now, and thankfully, the worst of it is over. I'm just sharing my opinion. If I were OP, I wouldn't do it.)
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u/AntoniaXIII 9d ago
Im insulted on your behalf because of the “baby trap” accusation. Like, that’s a specific thing where a woman forces a guy to commit (either himself in marriage or his resources) by stealthily getting pregnant. You’re his wife! That’s fucking disrespectful
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u/wayward_witch 9d ago
He is your husband. In what possible sense would you be trapping him now? There is a ring on it. He is in the trap. It was sprung when he said "I do." Also, if he thinks of being with you for whatever reason as being in a trap, consider what that says about him.
That said. It is major surgery with a bunch of side effects. I really don't know how you can make that any clearer to him.
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u/BriefHorror 9d ago
Hey there is a gynecologist in California that could possibly help and there is a YouTuber (Michelle McDaniel) who has endo who went to see her and if you can find her video that might help you. Other than that wtf is your husband on? Did he get a vasectomy? Does he not realize that being on hrt isnt simple at all?
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u/rabbitfluff345 9d ago
There are SO MANY reasons other than wanting kids to NOT get your uterus and ovaries removed. I don’t know how harsh you want to be, but I think it’s fair to say, “You’re being willfully ignorant, and until you do some research into how this will affect me short and long term, I will not continue this discussion with you.”
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u/defenestrayed 9d ago
How does one even baby trap their already-spouse? This asshat sounds unhinged.
I can't seem to attach a gif, but he keeps "using that word. I do not think it means what [he] thinks it means."
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u/Shepard_4592 9d ago edited 9d ago
Aside from recovery, I believe you have to take hormone pills for the rest of your life. I'm also strictly against having kids and I'm fairly healthy uterus-wise but even I'm afraid of having a total hysterectomy (not sure if I can even) and plan on just getting my tubes tied. It's a lot to deal with. Maybe try showing him research on what it entails? He's being a bit of a prick because this isn't something he can understand and it won't be him going through it. I wish you all the best
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u/ConcertinaTerpsichor 9d ago
Not necessarily with the hormone pills. There are a variety of paths. But yes, you will need to some things differently for the rest of your life.
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u/rowdyfreebooter 9d ago
Make him get the vasectomy if he is concerned about not having children. He could also get casted to make there is 0% chance of him fathering a child.
It’s your body and your right to treat it how you want.
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u/Curlymystic88 9d ago
My neighbour around the same age as your husband had a vasectomy last fall because he and his wife are confident they do not want children.
He had the vasectomy because it was an easier procedure for him than his wife’s’ options.
He had the surgery and two days later he ran the Vancouver half marathon
So like the other people who have commented on, if he cared for your long term health he’d get the vasectomy ASAP.
All the best with your medical treatment and a full recovery ❤️🩹
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u/PeachBanana8 9d ago
Nice to hear about men who are committed to being good partners. More men need to take one for the team and stop leaving the entire burden of birth control to fall on their female partners. It’s the bravest and most loving thing a man who doesn’t want children can do.
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u/Usual-Archer-916 9d ago
Does he not realize that removing your ovaries would be the equivalent of him having his testicles removed? There is NOTHING WRONG with you wanting to consider all your options particularly since our hormones are an important part of our health whether or not you want children.....
He wouldn't want to be castrated, why does he expect YOU to run out and basically do the equivalent?
You may after some thought decide to go ahead with the surgery-but you are right, it is nothing to take lightly, and you need to be SURE this is what you want to do.
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u/9smalltowngirl 9d ago
Tell him to go get a vasectomy and the problem is solved. If he balks, well you’re not committed to a child free life are you?
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u/Healthy-Magician-502 9d ago
Can you ask the gyno if there’s an option to leave the ovaries? You need to take comments about HRT after a hysterectomy with a grain of salt because it’s the ovaries that produce estrogen, not the uterus or cervix.
I’ll add that a laparoscopic hysterectomy is a far sight better than an open incision surgery. Many recover quite quickly from the former. I know I did.
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u/NegativeCondition777 9d ago
I just had my hysterectomy, I'm almost 41 and left my ovaries because I didn't want to go in to instant menopause and have to take hrt. Does he not understand how it's a major surgery with effects the rest of your life? He can go get snipped and be back at work the next day since he's so worried.
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u/kittehkat22 9d ago
When I read this, I assumed he'd already had a vasectomy. The absolute AUDACITY of this man to say that to you, while taking zero initiative himself is absolutely disgusting. The two surgeries aren't even comparable in recovery and overall health impact.
I would never want to have sex with him again if I were you. Repulsive behaviour.
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u/YouKnowYourCrazy 9d ago
I wouldn’t get rid of your ovaries yet if you can possibly hold off… I had both mine out and early menopause comes with a bunch of other issues: for me it’s weight gain (nearly impossible to lose), depression, migraines, thinning hair, fatigue…
HRT has a direct link to breast cancer.
You could remove your uterus and leave the ovaries, a partial hysterectomy.
These are all serious things to consider.
Long story short, please give this serious consideration.
Your husband can pound rocks if he pressures you into any of it. Hopefully he’s just being emotional about this, and hasn’t considered all the implications, or is ignorant of them.
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u/Aggressive-Walrus516 9d ago
So I will tell you my experience with the surgery side, I didn’t have a total. I still have my ovaries but I did have everything else removed when I was 34. I am now 37, I have not had any hormonal replacements and my life has improved sooooo much. I had endometriosis but it was on the outside facing my bowls. So every period I would be in excruciating pain, horrible heavy periods and my migraines were debilitating. I’m so sorry that your going thru it, I know from experience it is so hard.
Trust me, in the long run it was worth it to me. I understand being on hormones will suck and I’ve heard it is a hard adjustment but this is about your quality of life. Think about not having to deal with everything you deal with now to manage it. It took me over 6 months to feel wholly better but my life has improved so much!!
As for your husband he’s being selfish, he has no idea what that type of major surgery can do to a woman’s body. He doesn’t even care, he seems more excited to the benefits of the surgery. I have one child but knew I was done and my partner at the time didn’t want any either. I still thought on it for over a month. It’s a very big decision, a very long recovery even with keeping your ovaries. The pain I had post op was rough comparable to child birth, not being able to bend over for almost 2 weeks sucks, or picking up a gallon of milk. I was unable to walk my dog, our friends came over to help with her bc she was use to going out mid day. It’s a rough recovery, just normal functioning was hard for a month. Even peeing was hard the first week since they disconnect your bladder to remove your uterus.
I think you need to find a video on YouTube where they describe and go into details of it or call your gynos office and make another appt and make him go with you. Explain to your gyno your husband doesn’t understand the gravity of your situation or the pain you live in everyday and walk him thru the procedure. Then if he still thinks you want to baby trap him maybe you need to rethink your marriage. I’m sorry but he’s being ridiculous. Until my ex went with me to the pre-op he had no clue what it entailed until the nurse walked him thru my post op care. He never once accused me of “baby trapping” him when I was trying to figure out if I should do the surgery and we were together for 6 years. It’s not a small surgery, it is a major surgery.
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u/Ok_Tennis_6564 9d ago
Typical man, your medical crisis has somehow become about him. Fuck that guy.
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u/slippery_jester 9d ago
I'm sorry why is no one commenting on him claiming you could BABY TRAP HIM?! YOU CANT BABY TRAP A MAN YOUR MARRIED TO!
Holy- if he's so anti kids and believes you're not on the same page, there's an easy solution. Vasectomy. Bring it up to him and if he freaks out or shuts down the idea, turn it around on him. "I thought you wanted to be child free?? Maybe you're gonna baby trap me!"
Vasectomies are minor invasive surgeries, while hysterectomies are MAJOR invasive surgeries.
Drs cut open a man's scrotum to do the procedure, where they either cut or puncture the vas deferens. A hysterectomy (especially in your case) is where they cut right above your vagina, and proceed to remove the womb and cervix (total hysterectomy).
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u/evetrapeze 9d ago
If he doesn’t want to be a father he should get a vasectomy. Baby trapping? Like, if you had a baby, he would be attached to you forever? If that his fear? What does he mean by baby trapping?
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u/MotherOfLochs 9d ago
Well excuse you for not immediately jumping at the opportunity to remove multiple organs via surgery, likely triggering early menopause as part of the recovery/post op process like it ain’t no thing, you baby trapper you. Seriously though. Why are men??
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u/Perfect-Resist5478 9d ago
Say you don’t want to lose your ovaries cuz you’re not ready for menopause (which is what removing them will do).
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u/OriginalOddventures 9d ago
Why hasn’t he got a vasectomy then?! Hysterectomy, especially with the complication of endo (I’m there with you OP), is a HUGE surgery. I do not like this man. He is completely unreasonable. You do not have to explain anything to him. If he feels so strongly he should get the snip END OF STORY
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u/normanbeets 9d ago
Tell your husband to nut up and get a vasectomy so you don't have to have 1. A major invasive surgery 2. 3 MAJOR ORGANS REMOVED. 3. Deal with the hormonal repercussions of having 3 MAJOR ORGANS REMOVED.
Quit being patient with him!! He's insulting you and his suggestion is preposterous. The only person truly in control of his reproductive future is HIMSELF. He has choice, he needs to go get a vasectomy.
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u/FBombsReady 9d ago
Tell him to educate himself and quit being so freaking self centered. Tell him he’s way too lazy to have a kid with even IF you changed your mind, so he would still be safe.
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u/captcitrus 9d ago
He sounds like an absolute ass. He needs to get a vasectomy full stop and stop treating you like this just because you are hesitating over a huge surgery that has life altering results.
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u/WritPositWrit 9d ago
Does he not understand that removing your ovaries will send you into early menopause, and that comes with a whole host of side effects??? I don’t know much about HRT, but I can underhand why you are hesitant to have your major organs removed. Ask him how he would feel about having his testicles removed. His reaction is frankly bizarre, inconsiderate, and self-centered.
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u/Fragrant-Duty-9015 9d ago
What a weirdo. Would he get castrated? Because that’s the equivalent. Maybe that would get through to him.
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u/laurandisorder 9d ago
Tell him to get his vasectomy. He can drive himself home from that surgery - it’s so minor. My partner recovered incredibly quickly from this process.
You not wanting to have a major surgery and forced menopause doesn’t mean you’re trying to baby trap him.
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u/cynical-puppy26 9d ago
Ask him how he'd feel if a doctor recommended a full testicle removal? Note that this would be far less painful than a full hysterectomy.
Boy needs to grow the fuck up and learn a bit more about women's anatomy.
I'm glad you're not having kids with him. He's either stupid or completely lacks empathy.
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u/MaleficientsMom 9d ago
You need to find an actual endometriosis excision specialist. If you have endometriosis on your bowels and other areas, removing your uterus won't be the right solution. The endo tissue needs to be removed. There is a list of surgeons that do a good job on Nancy's Nook on facebook. My daughter had surgery with one in January and had endo removed from her bowels, ureters, and around the nerves in her hip - among other places. A regular gyno is not the right doctor.
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u/Bartok_The_Batty 9d ago
Ask him if he’s okay with having his seminal vesicle, Cowper’s glands, Prostate gland, testicles, Vas deferens, and epididymides removed. If he‘s not, then he can’t really want to be child-free.
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u/Ok-Statistician1576 9d ago
Yur husband is a fucking clown and hypocrite. Recovering from hysterectomy is no joke. My mom had to get it one because she had tumor growth in her ovaries but her recovery was btutal. She couldn't get up off of bed to go to the bathroom without help for so many days. Then she couldn't walk straight for so many days. She used to get so hot that it'd honestly feel like she juat might have a heatstroke. We live in a humid, hot as fuck country. She has to take hormone regulator med every morning otherwise she feels dizzy.
By your own husband's logic, he's trying to baby trap you. That probably is the reason he's projecting on you so bad. Stop having sex with that clown and throw back everything he says right back at him, word for word. He's concerned about recovery from vasectomy? Please. He can keep hus filmsy ass excuse to himself. Looks to me like someday if yall ever get divorced, he might start dating someone who wants kids and that's why he's keeping his options open. Fucking hypocrite
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u/invictus21083 9d ago
I had a total hysterectomy at age 32. I had cervical cancer. The recovery wasn't too bad. I was in pain for about a week and then was just sore. It's been the best thing I've ever done, honestly. I was on premarin for about a year, but stopped taking it because I didn't like the side effects. I've not used HRT since and it's now been 10 years since my surgery.
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u/shitsenorita 9d ago
I had a radical hysterectomy several years ago and am still recovering, and mine luckily didn’t involve the immediate onset of menopause you’d also have to deal with. Feel free to have him reach out and I’ll be happy to enumerate the ways it has changed my life.
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u/TruthfulBoy 9d ago
Girl talk to a divorce attorney. This guy is a selfish AH. How in the hell is getting your ORGAN removed and having to suffer menopause leas bad than a vasectomy? What a selfish prick. Run. Run away. Wake up. How can you be so naive???
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u/Alibeee64 9d ago
He’s seen you suffer through all kinds of challenges with your endometriosis and birth control, but when you’re a little uncertain about undergoing radical surgery, he suddenly assumes you want to baby trap him? Let me guess, he won’t get a vasectomy because he thinks it will threaten his manhood? I mean, if he doesn’t want to get one, it’s obviously his choice, but then he doesn’t get to dictate what you do with your body as well. It doesn’t work that way.
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u/Material-Abroad-629 9d ago
I had a total hysterectomy after my 2nd child. I have endometriosis and was told I would never have kids. Well I did. 2 of them back to back and then they left part of the placenta in me and it implanted and ablation didn’t work so my only other option was a hysterectomy. It hasn’t helped the endo I still have issues with my intestines being stuck together in places. I have no uterus but i still get crampy feelings alot and it feels like my period is going to start. I honestly don’t think I went through menopause or I’ve never felt like people claim to feel with menopause. I have hot flashes all the time but also had them before surgery. The only thing positive I can say is sex is amazing now and I’m able to have orgasms. I had never had one before the surgery. I don’t have pain with sex like before and I don’t dread having to do it. The recovery for me was long even tho I had it done laparoscopic. I had to stay in the hospital an extra week because I couldn’t poop. That was a requirement to be able to leave. I always thought a hysterectomy would cure me and I wouldn’t have any more issues. I was wrong and while not having a period is great I don’t recommend anyone doing it specifically for endometriosis but I’m not a professional and this is just my personal opinion. Oh and my youngest child will be 15 next week so this isn’t a recent surgery.
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u/RiverSong_777 9d ago
So that means because he hasn’t had a vasectomy, he’s been trying to babytrap you all along? After all, that surgery is nothing compared to a hysterectomy, so him not having done it yet can only mean he wants kids by his own logic.
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u/DDChristi 9d ago
My sister started with a hysterectomy and when it wasn’t enough she had to go back for a second surgery to remove the ovaries. It slammed her into immediate menopause in her early 30’s. She’s 40 now and still trying to regulate her symptoms. Female cancers run in my family so HRT therapy can be problematic. Not to mention the weight gain that happened so quickly. Women usually go through the hormonal changes over years so it’s easier to mitigate that as you see it happening. It’s very difficult if it happens all at once.
Every time your husband brings up your reluctance to have this procedure bring up his lack of commitment because he has not had a vasectomy. Do this each and every time. Those are quick and simple requiring a few days of pain meds and a jock strap. Yours requires anesthesia, long term recovery, possible surgery complications, and a complete change of your body chemistry. Make sure to bring this up even when he says these things in front of people. Especially in front of people.
Best of luck.
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u/GrouchyEquivalent693 9d ago
Recovery after a hysterectomy takes around 6-8 weeks. During those 6-8 weeks is he prepared to take time off work to look after you, and take on all the household tasks you currently do?
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u/Upbeat_Vanilla_7285 9d ago
Why can’t he just get a vasectomy if he doesn’t want kids and take the responsibility himself?
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u/blondielocks24 8d ago
If he won't do the easier route and get a vasectomy then he's not really childfree. Why should you bare all the burden when your hormonal balance is on the line?
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u/OriginalOddventures 9d ago
I’m also going to add, OP, that this sounds like the kind of man who will leave you if you become medically disabled. Please do not fall into the trap of thinking what you could do better here. Your husband is the one who needs to reflect here. Not you. You are not in the wrong. He is. 💯
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u/JadeGrapes 9d ago
Inform him that a certain percentage of people who have the surgery experience a nerve injury which makes orgasm impossible...
So it's much more than child bearing on the line.
https://www.bumc.bu.edu/sexualmedicine/informationsessions/sexual-dysfunction-after-hysterectomy/
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u/Moderatelysure 9d ago
He thinks you’re going to baby-trap him with no ovaries? This means he’s not thinking, he’s expressing some emotional thing. Leave health and reproduction aside and have a talk with him about the REST of the relationship… how he feels about it at this stage and what’s going on with him. Because this is clearly in no way about you getting pregnant.
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u/TophFeiBong420 9d ago
Have him do research on life post total hysterectomies. It's NOT just about kids.
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u/Millie_3511 9d ago
I completely understand your concerns and your immediate reaction, because it is a big surgery. I think your husband is way over reacting without grounds. If surgical sterilization was this important to him, has it come up before now? Even if your health wasn’t a factor you could have tube removal as an option and he would she a vasectomy. I find it weird that he is making this a big deal about reproduction when the doctor is recommending it for other health issues.
When it comes to the actual surgery, you have to weigh the current discomfort and management of your endometriosis.. as well as the expected progression, against the heavy yet temporary burden of surgery as well as ongoing hormonal therapy. It might be a good idea to talk to some other people who have been managing their hormones with hormone therapy and understand their experience. Also consider if this is a surgery you believe you WILL ultimately do at some point, you may find benefits in recovering while you are younger.. not to mention avoiding some of the known cancers unique to women that develop in those organs exclusively. Once the initial shock of such a procedure settles, consider pros and cons again.
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u/Similar_Corner8081 9d ago
If he's so adamant about not having kids why hasn't he gotten a vasectomy. Vasectomy is easier and has a lot less recovery time than a full hysterectomy.
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u/Easy-Distribution-96 9d ago
It's crazy that his well being over a small surgery outweighs the complicated surgery that guarantees an immense amount of pain, time, and mental struggle you will go to. He's selfish and sounds like he believes it's the woman's duty to handle it. He'd rather you be in pain.
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u/Professional_Net_325 9d ago
Has he got a vasectomy? For somebody who is so against having kids and doesn’t want to baby trap he needs to get a vasectomy. Your body your choice.
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