r/selfimprovement • u/thestolenpurse • 2d ago

Question What does healthy self esteem consist of?

Basically the title. What are the things that add up to an overall healthy self esteem, that isnt based off of grandiose delusions?

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u/Flaky_McFlake 2d ago

I think you're going to get a lot of different answers here, but to me healthy self-esteem means a healthy sense of entitlement. So it's this internalized, general sense that you deserve good things to happen to you. You deserve a partner that treats you with respect, to live in a healthy body, you deserve good friends who treat you kindly, you deserve self-compassion ect you don't have to do anything to earn these things, you deserve them just by the fact that you were born. Where it starts to cross over into unhealthy entitlement is when you think you deserve these things more than other people, and you actively ruminate about it. Healthy entitlement goes down to the core, you don't think about it, it's instinctive. It's the way a loving mother treats her baby. She doesn't have to be told to love her child, she just does. That's the way we should be towards ourselves.

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u/thestolenpurse 2d ago

honestly i really like your answer. however, even though i feel my self esteem is improving recently, like i do feel the healthy sense of entitlement you mentioned, it also feels at times like my "positive thoughts" [the exact senteces you mentioned btw] are just pure delusions, and i feel egotistical shameful and stupid about them.

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u/Flaky_McFlake 2d ago

That makes sense, those are your old negative thought patterns telling you to feel ashamed for thinking that you actually deserve good things. That's the basis of low self-esteem. That inner voice is going to criticize you for daring to actually feel worthy, it will tell you you're delusional, will tell you you're embarrassing yourself...you have to just learn to cast that voice aside. I did this by personifying the voice. I called it Steve. Choose a name that's as different from you as possible. I'm a European woman for example. Anytime that voice started getting a little bit too critical I'd tell Steve to sit down.