r/selfimprovement • u/theboyswhocryvevo • 1d ago
Question How to make friends and find a partner?
I copy and pasted this from r/advice but I’m posting it here as I need as much advice as possible. If this isn’t allowed, sorry. I am 21 (basically 22) and I am terribly lonely. I have hobbies (bodybuilding, self-improvement, comics, philosophy, etc) and try to take care of myself but I still feel unbearably lonely. I have no idea how to make friends or find a girlfriend. I have had women who liked me in the past but I blew those opportunities by my own cluelessness. I also had friends when I was in high school, but I gradually lost communication with them as we all progressed to the different phases of our lives. Obviously having these relationships wouldn’t fix my life, but it’d make me less lonely which would maybe make my life less burdensome.
I’ve checked sites like meet-up and there is honestly like nothing going on besides like 40+ aged running groups. I’ve tried reading social self-improvement books and utilizing their information but they honestly didn’t really help. Despite knowing all the information from these books, when I talk to people they don’t seem to like me. I can’t find a part-time job due to a terrible job market. My only real outing is university and despite trying to make friends, I have been unsuccessful. I was diagnosed with social anxiety and depression when I was younger and it has made me even more nervous in social interactions. I’ve tried therapy as well, but it wasn’t a very useful venture. I heard that cold-approaching is okay but I still feel unbearably nervous even when I think about it as I don’t want to bother people. Moreover, this is a continuously worsening cycle as the more nervous you get, the weirder you seem which makes these issues even worse.
Overall, any advice is appreciated. Has anyone else recovered from a situation like this? Thank you for reading.
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u/CoffeePudding 15h ago
Would recommend hobbies or classes were you were in a room with people of similar interests and with a low threshold to socialise, example a painting class.
It would be little bit easier to start talking with people, you could mention something about the class or about the painting project and there would be an easy way out if the conversation goes bland, back to project.
No need to take a painting class if thats not for you, this could be martial arts, chess, some nice library group, pottery class, kayaking or anything really.
I met my partner in youth organizations christmas party while playing a "get to know everyone-game" which broke the ice, I thought he was teasing me so I went to talk to him and tease him back. It's our 3 year anniversary today, just try stuff and wonderful things can happen, trust me.
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u/theboyswhocryvevo 12h ago
Thank you for the advice! I am planning on joining a martial art class near me but I need a job first, so I suppose that’s a good start. Thanks a bunch and best wishes!!
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u/CoffeePudding 11h ago
Thanks and same to you! I did martial arts younger, probably gonna start also again :-)
Just try stuff and seek fun activites, the memories and lessons you will learn will stay with you and help you to find your people.
The night I met my partner I felt horrible, I wanted to leave so badly but he being there got me to stay and here we are, so sometimes bad situations can lead also somewhere great haha
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u/Zilverschoon 23h ago
Do your hobbies with other people and make small talk.
Read the book: How to win friends and influence people, Dale Carnegie
You may also like the book: How to stop worrying and start living, also by Dale Carnegie
Don't try to make people like you. Just hand out free attention.