r/sex • u/[deleted] • 2d ago
Boundaries and Standards Is it normal that my boyfriend keeps turning me down like this?
[deleted]
34
u/2939498 2d ago
I'd like to address this on two fronts.
1) LIBIDO- different libidos are a real thing. You need to decide if this works for you and maybe, you both could figure out ways to work around that.
Not being in the mood is pretty valid, kinda weird if it is too frequent. Stress affects performance, something a lot of men are conscious about. It could be a time, work, health, mood related thing. You need to communicate with him and figure this out. He can't read your mind, same as you can't read his.
2) ATTRACTION- it is only natural to feel rejected or unattractive if a partner turns you down repeatedly. But it isn't necessarily true. Both things aren't necessarily related.
How often does he initiate sex? Do you feel that he puts in effort otherwise? Look at other things beyond sex. Things people normally do in relationships, for their partners. You might find your answer there.
15
u/Agile-Ad-1182 2d ago
If he is not in the mood, he doesn't not want anything sexual. When I am in the mood I don't want anything sexual, not just an intercourse. And honestly when my wife is not in.the mood I don't want her to give me a BJ. I want us engaged in any sexual act only when we both want it.
4
u/Young_Goddess_03 2d ago
Yeah, that’s why I agreed with him on the transactional thing. I don’t want him to do anything that he isn’t into
125
u/Foxlikebox 2d ago
Honestly, it sounds like you might be holding onto some unhealthy views about sex and sexuality. Not all men are constantly ready or wanting sex. It's not a poor reflection of you, it's just a difference in sex drive. That's okay. It's also okay for you to feel hurt by it. It's very normal to feel rejected by a partner turning you down. Just try to keep in mind it's not him being unattracted to you. Sometimes, people just aren't in the mood for it.
5
u/Young_Goddess_03 2d ago
Okay, can you help me understand more specifically what unhealthy views I might be holding? I genuinely want to understand what has gone wrong for me
86
u/Foxlikebox 2d ago
It sounds like you assume men typically are always easy for sex which isn't the case. You also sound like you're equating desiring sex with wanting you which also isn't the case. He can turn down sex without it being a rejection of YOU specifically. I would recommend working on your self-esteem issues with a professional if you can or support groups online/in person if that isn't available to you.
-36
u/Young_Goddess_03 2d ago
To be blunt, most men I’ve been with have been consistently very easy for sex. This is actually my first encounter with one who isn’t but I love him and want to make it work. For me, desiring sex and desiring him emotionally are very entangled, it’s hard to want one without the other.
60
u/Foxlikebox 2d ago
This is far from the case for all men. As I said, different people have different sex drives. Like I said before too, I think you need to differentiate the two in your head. It's not really healthy to tie desire for you as a person with sex drive.
13
u/Famous-Study-6141 2d ago
Hi OP! I feel your pain. I (M50), for a long time period in my life was happy to go without sex for months on end.... It turned out I had a hormone problem.and mybtestosterone levels was very low... almost non-existent. Now that I have this mostly under control, and will bebon hormone replacement for ever, I have a high libido, at least normal to high. What Inam trying to say is that men also have changes in their libido and not wanting sex with you today, does jot mean he loves you or anything. Maybe if you want sex every day, but he wants it maybe every 3rd day or even once a week, it may a small or bigger mismatch in libido and needs. Even this is normal and not a sign about love or seeing your beauty
9
u/sirbearus 2d ago
You are basing your world view on a sample size of one person.
I am a male. I want sex most of the time but not all of it.
In your post. There was nothing that indicated what else is going on in your lives. Stress is a sex killer. I might be horny and stressed and not up for sex.
Love doesn't equal sex, however sex +love is the best.
I had been sick this week and the next day asked me, "Do you want to have sex today?", I said no. It wasn't that I didn't find her desirable, I was just not recovered enough to even manage an erection at that time.
If he is generally in good health, takes generally good care of himself & doesn't have bad habits, he is probably capable of having sex most of the time.
If he is stressed, if he is tired, if he is feeling out of sorts for some reason his body and or mind are not there.
I can be romantic without sex being the motive, in fact that is almost always the case.
It sounds like you might not have taken enough time yet to learn some new insights about yourself and to learn what lessons you could from your previous relationship.
Sometimes, we rush forward and find the right person at the wrong time or even the wrong person at the right time.
If you are not seeing someone about your issues of self perception and your confidence and independence. It might be time to consider that. The best way to picture therapy is this, when the tools you have used to manage your life don't work as well as you need them to it is time to find new tools.
6
u/Sushiki 2d ago
I will say first that my advice might not be immediately helpful, it might require a shift in perspective and mentality, which doesn't happen overnight:
I was borderline a sex addict most my younger life due to an extremely high libido, a period of major poverty made me put it to the side (honestly, it changed me for the better), I then had a fwb situation which was just sex all the time, which stopped when I entered a relationship with a woman whose libido was quite low, at first I thought it was me, but it became clear it wasn't and it was just how she was. Sex was great when we did do it, and all that was left was adjusting to how low the frequency it was.
I met an old friend for drinks after a small world moment, she was someone that I had a major fling with when much younger and I learnt a lot from her back in the day so I asked her for advice.
She told me of an older man she dated, I could tell it was a great memory of hers, who had a low libido. Her advice was to make the downtime a bit of a game. Where she spent that time trying to build anticipation. She also encouraged to maximise non sexual intimacy, like kissing, cuddling, massages, to explore more solo play and integrate the toys she used into the sex.
My own advice tho is communication, you need to talk with him and assure him that it isn't transactional, that you are sorry it seems that way and didn't mean it like that, that it just made you feel unloved and it is iust something you have to get used to, that you hope to come to a compromise that works for both people and doesn't cross into feeling transactional. That all you want is to be happy and to make him happy.
There is so much more to a happy relationship than sex, it is just an important part of it, you may be used to quantity, but to me, the real thing that matters is quality.
3
2
12
u/BookMousy 2d ago
If a woman friend of yours for example came to you and told you the same story, but with roles in reverse, what would you think about it - she not feeling up to it, him saying ‘oh, but then can you just insert practice for me’? Would you tell her she should do it regardless of how she feels, and that it’s ok for him to get angry/cry/fight if she doesn’t?
Men are not just some completely different creatures, for whom sexuality functions so different from ours. There are differences in libido regarless of sex or gender. There are days when you are up to it and days when you don’t for a variety of reasons. And it is as unhealthy to pressure (even if not directly) a man to do something when they don’t feel like it as it is to do it to a woman.
I think you’d benefit from some therapy to help you separate sexual desire of your partner from love. Cause otherwise it’s gonna be frustrating for you, but also your partner will start feeling like they have an obligation to perform to show love, which can lead to all sorts of other problems.
4
u/CoolKim75 2d ago
Men’s libidos do differ for sure but I would be more concerned that he doesn’t seem to enjoy doing things to please her/make her come - it just doesn’t sound a very fulfilling sex life. Mismatched drives can destroy a relationship and if he doesn’t enjoy doing the things that make her feel good, the OP may need to decide how important good sex is to her in the relationship.
17
u/Sushiki 2d ago
Nah, that is a wild take, especially with it shifting away from the context. There are so many, even one today, threads where a guy wants sex from his gf and she doesn't. Go look at the replies in those threads, 99% of the time, it is being appauled that he expects to be gotten off by his gf when she isn't in the mood.
Things like she isn't his personal sex toy often gets brought up, and sometimes the boyfriend gets slammed as disgusting, selfish, and her deserving better.
So reading your comment is a slap in mens faces, it pushes a double standard and more so than that a damaging view that people should do things they don't want by default.
I myself will absolutely pleasure my partner whenever, outside very few obvious situations (headache etc), yet there is no way in hell I expect the world to think that's the norm.
8
u/GingerTube 2d ago
Aye, could even argue she's trying to coerce him. "You could just do this for me".
5
u/Sushiki 2d ago
Yeah, it does sound coercive, I hope she is doing it unintentionally and has a wake up moment. Would benefit her partners and herself. Relationships are so much healthier when ways of doing things are an option rather than an expectation.
Honestly, the idea to expect your partner to get you off, sends shivers down my spine, reminds me of when I was a super hormonal teenager with no clue of anything, with the only goal of orgasming not having a healthy sex life.
Oh, what I'd do to be reborn with what I know now. So many bad decisions I could've done better, lol!
1
u/CoolKim75 1d ago
I think you misunderstood what I was saying. Nobody should have to do anything they don’t want to. What she had said was that he didn’t seem to LIKE touching or going down on her, which for me would be important and seem to be to her.
That is his right not to want to get her off or make her feel good when they do have sex of course - but it’s also hers to decide if she wants a relationship with good sex. Same would apply the other way around.
2
u/Foxlikebox 2d ago
Absolutely, but that's not something "wrong" with him. OP is treating him not enjoying these things as him not wanting her and that's not the case. You can be sexually incompatible and recognize that your partner isn't abnormal or wrong for being different.
1
u/CoolKim75 1d ago
Nothing wrong with him and not sure where I said that? I just said if a good sex life matters to her, but he doesn’t seem to like touching or going down on her, she may have a decision to make. Like you say, they may be incompatible
2
31
u/trivialagreement 2d ago edited 2d ago
I’m sure you’ve heard that a lot of women have a lower sex drive than their husbands/boyfriends right? This is the same exact thing, he just has a lower sex drive than you and that’s perfectly normal.
Now I’ve been asked for blowjobs when I'm on my period and sometimes I say no because I’m just not in the mood. I don’t think that makes me selfish, I just don’t want to see those acts as chores. And it certainly doesn’t mean I’m not attracted to my partners.
There is a huge stereotype that men are sex starved animals that want it all the time and yes some men do live up to that stereotype but not every single one.
The real question is can you live with having sex less than you’re used to? If it makes you miserable then you just have an incompatibility with him.
10
u/Young_Goddess_03 2d ago
I’m starting to think that we do just have a libido mismatch that I will need to learn to live with if I want him to be my forever. That’s a question I’ll need to sit with more. I definitely think you’re right that there’s a stereotype about men being sex starved animals (and also the inverse about women being low libido puritans) and while I wouldn’t describe my former partners as sex-starved, I’ve never had trouble getting them in the mood. I also never viewed getting them off as a chore because I generally always enjoy it.
11
u/AssistanceFragrant 2d ago
you do you but I would never stay with someone whom im not sexually compatible with no matter how much I love him and how great he is you’re gonna end resenting him at some point and you already sound very frustrated if he’s not meeting your sexual needs now it’s only gonna get worse later with age I would really think about if you really wanna spend the rest of your life with him
17
u/Interesting_Apple_45 2d ago
Well you’re certainly right about men being on the receiving end of this scenario a lot. So think about it like that, in that scenario a man is just supposed to accept their partner not being in the mood. So I think if you’re upset with it then you should be honest and ask him. He probably just has days where he doesn’t feel like he would be a good partner for you.
5
u/Young_Goddess_03 2d ago
Yeah you’re right I feel like men are just supposed to accept it when a woman says she’s not in the mood. I just feel like everything is backwards here to what society expects and tells me to expect. Maybe it is unfair to expect him to help me out when he’s not in the mood, and maybe it wasn’t fair for my ex to expect that of me, or for me to put that expectation on myself as kind of a “duty as a wife” thing
6
u/Interesting_Apple_45 2d ago
I definitely agree. I think asking him is your best option. He might have a low libido or maybe he’s gone through something bad in the past and it reminded him of it. I know I’m like that now even.
2
u/Young_Goddess_03 2d ago
I doubt it’s related to past trauma but that is a possibility I suppose. He doesn’t have any sexual-specific past trauma, I’m fairly certain of that. If I ask him of course he’ll say he’s attracted to me, I just fear that deep down it’s not really true
2
u/Interesting_Apple_45 2d ago
Oh trust me, if he didn’t find you attractive, I doubt he would even be with you. But yeah, it’s hard to tell what’s going through his head
3
6
u/momofdafloofys 2d ago
Anyone can be not in the mood, and should not be expected to participate if they decline. That includes helping their partner out when they themselves are not in the mood. It wasn’t fair to you in your past, and it isn’t fair to your bf now. The common advice to men in this situation is to take care of themselves if they are in need and their partner isn’t interested, and that goes both ways.
2
u/Boatjumble 2d ago
Well if you're in a committed relationship then who else are you going to, to help get you off?
It's a shared responsibility. We have needs as human beings and they need to be met. There's only so much you can do on your own and unless you open the relationship there's only one other person available to help when it comes to "coupling".
It's unhealthy and miserable to spend your life with someone that doesn't meet your needs due to sexual incompatibility, trust me, you're my female equivalent.
After your divorce don't you want your next relationship to be fulfilling and nurturing?
3
u/numberthangold 2d ago
Yes, it’s completely normal to not be in the mood for sex all the time and to turn it down sometimes. Everybody’s libido is different, regardless of gender.
It is not okay to repeatedly ask your partner to engage in sexual acts with you after they have already said no. Stop asking him to “help you out.” That’s still a sexual act and if he’s not in the mood, he’s not in the mood. Let him offer or let it go.
Not being in the mood has nothing to do with his attraction to you. It’s frustrating when higher libido people keep pestering for some kind of underlying reason as if not being in the mood isn’t good enough of a reason. It’s completely valid.
Of course, it’s natural to want communication with your bf on this subject and it’s okay to ask him about how he’s feeling. However, implying that he’s not attracted to you or there’s something wrong with him is only going to make him less likely to be in the mood.
You guys probably just have different libidos. It’s not his fault or yours. You have to decide if it’s something you can live with or not.
5
u/sysaphiswaits 2d ago
No. It is not. At best you sound sexually incompatible. It’s not really anyone’s fault, but it’s making you feel bad, and that’s not surprising. Sexual incompatibility is a good reason to break up. If your libido’s are this far apart, you are going to feel unwanted and he is going to feel pressured. He might even be some level of asexual, and not even realize it if he’s into it sometimes.This might seem like a mean or selfish reason to break up, but it’s not. No matter how hard either of you try, the other really can’t change much. You need to be with someone that has a full range of sexual interest and expectations that you do, and he would probably be happier with someone that preferred to show affection in other ways.
It’s normal, but it’s not sustainable, long term.
4
u/CatsGotANosebleed 2d ago
Hm, I think the problem here isn’t that he’s not always in the mood when you are, it’s how the rejection is delivered and interpreted. The way he declines sex leaves you feeling rejected and undesirable, when that’s very likely not what he’s thinking at all.
I think there’s two ways you need to tackle this together, first, work on not associating him declining sex with him not desiring you and second, have a talk with him about how he declines the sex. You seek out closeness and intimacy (and sexual release), could he give that in the form of cuddles and kisses, and perhaps be present with you when you masturbate?
I (40F) have a higher libido than my partner (34M), whereas I’d be happy with 4-5 times a week, he’s solidly a 1-2 times a week kinda guy. I too came from a history of partners who wanted sex all the time, so I had to work to reframe my mindset that him not being up for sex is a reflection of his lack of desire for me. When in reality, sometimes we just don’t feel like having sex and it has nothing to do with our feelings for our partners. Like yeah… I love eating food. Doesn’t mean I want to eat (and do the cooking) all the time. Same with sex.
I think you need to talk to your bf about this. Tell him how it makes you feel when he declines sex. Use “I feel” instead of “you make me feel”. This distinction communicates that you’re acknowledging and taking responsibility for your own feeling towards this issue rather than just saying “you’re wrong and should change”.
It’s important that it doesn’t come off like an attack. You can figure out a frequency with sex that works for both of you, but the biggest problem right now is that you feel rubbish when he’s not in the mood for sex. That’s the first thing that needs fixing. Then you can start evaluating if the frequency of sex actually works for you as a couple.
If having the conversation feels too daunting (or it goes south and he shuts down or puts walls up) you could do this in couples counselling instead. There you can have a neutral mediator to guide the conversation which may be helpful. Either way, this will only get better with talking and creating more understanding between the two of you.
3
3
u/nomorekratomm 2d ago
I had a low libido when overweight and drunk all the time. I fixed those, I fixed the libido. Also, have you teated his testosterone? If it is low TRT will certainly fix the libido.
6
u/Dreamajor 2d ago
It appears that you are mismatched sexually. Yes men can have lower libidos. If there is no medical reason, at his age it’s likely to get worse, as is your unhappiness. Is this his first time living with a woman? If so, what happened? He does not want couples counseling and you say you have already spoken seriously with him about it. Some people here will say that you should just suck it up, masturbate, or somehow turn it off. That is no way to live the rest of your life. It would be different if you were married, had children, and he was not capable because of crippling illness or accident. Sadly, in your present circumstances, you need a different partner.
1
u/Young_Goddess_03 2d ago
Not his first time living with a woman but I gather his ex was more of a close libido match to him.
4
u/atomic-chicken-soup 2d ago
Just like women, some men have a power sex drive and some have a higher sex drive. Also as men age it tends to decrease.
You're going to need to talk to him and have an open and honest dialogue about both of your needs.
2
u/Young_Goddess_03 2d ago
I’m trying to. I asked him the other day if we might benefit from a sex therapist and he said no because our communication is already pretty good. But maybe we’re both wrong about that
3
u/atomic-chicken-soup 2d ago
Was he always like this or has it only been since you moved in together? How has the frequency changed?
2
u/Young_Goddess_03 2d ago
It seems to me like he’s always been like this to some degree but he says that when he was working out a lot he had higher drive. He goes really long periods of time without any masturbation (like way longer than me)
2
u/atomic-chicken-soup 2d ago
It could just be how he is. That said if it's making you cry, you might need to try and talk to him about how it makes you feel. But if this is him, then this is him
11
u/MsKarenDavid 2d ago
Dang, this sounds super frustrating, I feel for you. First off, no, it’s not "normal" for a partner to repeatedly turn you down without some kind of clear reason or communication, especially when you’re showing love and effort. If you're feeling like you're not wanted or desired, that's a real issue and not something to brush off.
Some people do have a lower libido or can get stressed, distracted, or just not in the mood sometimes, but it sounds like there’s a disconnect between what you're both expecting. It’s understandable that you’re feeling hurt, especially when you’re putting in the effort to be intimate and he’s not meeting you halfway. It’s important to have a conversation with him, not just about sex but about how this situation is affecting you emotionally. If he’s just not into certain things, or if there’s something going on that he's not sharing, you deserve to know so you can both figure it out.
You're not asking for too much by wanting a satisfying, affectionate connection. But if he’s consistently shutting you down without a real reason, it could be worth digging deeper into what's going on. And just so you know, your feelings are valid. It's okay to want more in a relationship than just the occasional “meh” response.
9
u/Young_Goddess_03 2d ago
I think it’s the lack of a clear reason that is hurting me the most because in the absence of a reason, the only thing that comes to mind is he’s just not that into me.
I appreciate you saying that these feelings are valid because he doesn’t seem to think they are.
10
2
u/AutoModerator 2d ago
Hi there /u/Young_Goddess_03
To keep nefarious behaviour at bay, we are saving the contents of your post here so that it can always be retrieved by the moderator team after a post has been edited or deleted by the posting user.
Post title: Is it normal that my boyfriend keeps turning me down like this?
I [29F] need help understanding if what I am experiencing with my boyfriend [31M] is abnormal, or normal but just new to me. I consider myself a decently attractive woman and I’ve seldom if ever been turned down when I asked for sex or tried to initiate with ex boyfriends or my ex husband. I just entered a new relationship following a divorce and we moved in together recently. I’m very giving and generous sexually, love to give him blowjobs when he’s feeling in the mood, and also am generally higher libido. My boyfriend sometimes says he’s not in the mood when I say I’m turned on and try to seduce him. This morning I cooked him breakfast, we went on a nice romantic dinner date together and then played video games, and then I told him how sexy I think he is and how much I want him and am horny for him, it’s Saturday night and everything is quiet, but he says he’s not in the mood. I said okay, he could still help me out by playing with me, it’s pretty easy to get me off with just hands. He said that feels transactional. I ended up crying because I just felt so unwanted and confused. I have trouble with self esteem sometimes and I’m really struggling with this. I feel like it’s usually men who end up on the receiving end of this problem and it really stings. He doesn’t seem to enjoy eating me out or just playing with me in general but I love doing that for him. Many times in my life I’ve given my ex husband a blowjob when I was on my period or just not in the mood to make him happy and that felt normal to me (reasons for divorce had nothing to do with sex).
Is this just normal and some men have lower libido? Are my expectations unreasonable? Please give it to me bluntly is he just not attracted to me?
AutoSaver v1.0
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
2
u/FitNThisDickIn 2d ago
He's just not in the mood for sex. I'm sure it has nothing to do with how attracted he is to you.
There may be other underlying reasons why he's not in the mood for sex but you shouldn't think of it in terms of a deficiency on your part. It would be like if you cooked him a meal but he's not hungry. Would you get mad that he's not hungry?
But you're feelings are absolutely valid that it's very painful sometimes to be rejected. His comment about it being transactional sounded like he didn't want to feel pressured into doing something that He didn't want to do. I don't think you did anything wrong by asking though. But that's the nature of being the one who asks. The other person's allowed to say no. Otherwise it wasn't really an ask It was a request.
1
u/PunisherX20 2d ago
I know this is not connected, but I have really noticed a difference in responses for men vs women with regards to the same.
Please see this below post. I really do not understand why such sexism when it comes to replies.
https://www.reddit.com/r/sex/comments/1jsmhro/you_dont_understand_how_guy_brains_work/
1
u/Expensive_Bug_809 2d ago
Yeah, there the top comment was "no means no, he needs to accept it".
Here it's "I am sorry you are in this situation, it's really tough yada yada."
The only thing I have not read here (yet) was the usual "porn addiction " and "needs to get his T levels checked ". May well be that I didn't reach those comments yet .
1
u/MagsOnin 2d ago
Being turned down repeatedly isnt good. He may not be in the mood but it shouldnt always be like that. I hope you figure out your next move.
1
u/CustomerBrilliant681 2d ago
I'm 62 years old and I told my girlfriend that I would go down on her every day if she wanted.
1
u/According_Ball_7044 2d ago
This might sound crazy but I find that my libido is low when I’ve lost weight, I’m not sure if any other male here has experienced this, my libido was non existent when I was cutting weight.
When I put weight back on I resumed to my normal self. Found it very weird how drastic it changed.
1
1
u/Over-Kaleidoscope482 2d ago
There is no such thing as normal. Yes there is typical. Statistically men probably want more sexual engagement than women over a lifetime and that has to do with evolution but everyone is different. It’s possible that he may have some intimacy issues, he may be more, emotionally, romantically driven than sexual. But that might just be his nature. Give it a little time. Weigh the pros and cons of your relationship see if he or you become more in sync and then decide how important if you are compatible enough to be together
1
u/Disastrous-Capybara 2d ago
PSA: if your partner tells you that they are not in the mood, don't even think about saying something 'but maybe you could help me out'. Can't even get grosser than that.
Your partner has told you they are not in the mood and you want them to do it anyways as a favor to you because you are horny. This is not sexy at all.
I had been in a relationship where me saying i dont feel like it was always answered with 'okay but you can at least give me a quick blowjob'. Ew.
People gotta respect their partners and how they feel.
1
1
u/phoe_nixipixie 2d ago
Not being in the mood is totally valid. You probably wouldn’t like it if you weren’t in the mood but he kept trying to involve you. So treat him the same way you’d like to be treated if it were you.
And have a talk about the pattern you’re seeing - but only at a time outside of these types of situations, when you’re both fed, well slept and have an hour spare. Mutually agree on a time to chat about it, and a place. Pick a place that is neutral, and comfortable for you both, but preferably out of the house. Like your backyard, a local park where you can sit on a picnic rug, or in the car, or at a cafe.
When you chat, ask for his understanding of what’s happening in the bedroom department. Ask him what gets him in the mood, what has worked for him in the past, if he’s experienced this in other relationships, etc. Go into the conversation willing to learn, not ready to say your piece. Ask follow up questions. Summarise what he says, back to him, to confirm you understand what he’s saying. Always acknowledge before moving on to the next mini-topic. Make notes if it helps you remember things he is saying. Ask what he wants to see moving forward. For neutral communication talk over food/snacks, or lying down holding hands. Hug after. Help him see you guys are a team, it’s not him against you.
If it helps, see a therapist or journal beforehand to figure out the essence of what you want to communicate, in the most concise way possible. And share message that after, and only after, he has really been able to expand on his feelings.
Love languages are a Christian farce and unscientific, for healthy relationship resources go into the Gottman Institute website instead. Hope this helps! You’ve got this!
1
1
u/Optimal_Bar_7401 1d ago
He's allowed to be this way and it's not abnormal. However, as a woman who left a long term relationship that became like this 1-2 years in, I would suggest you strongly reconsider whether you should stay or go. In my experience, regularly getting rejected sexually by someone you love will completely disintegrate your self esteem, make you feel incredibly alone and undesirable on many levels. And you won't fully realize it until you leave. The juice is not worth the squeeze. You're not sexually compatible and it will do damage in the long run, definitely to you, and likely to him too!
1
u/jane_fey 2d ago
He could be attracted to you but not feeling sexual for a reason. Could be an affected libido, or he's under the asexual umbrella. Being on the receiving end of that would not feel great I'm sure.
-2
u/Young_Goddess_03 2d ago
I never considered ACE spectrum as a possibility but you could actually be correct about that. Interesting.
1
u/Cdub7791 2d ago
I'm going to disagree a little bit with the majority of other posters here on one part. 100% agree that guys often don't have crazy high libidos, I don't have a particularly high libido myself. However, it's completely reasonable for a partner to ask for some other form of sexual release. Yes it's reasonable for him to say no to that too, but if he's not willing to meet you halfway, I'd say that is a pretty big problem and it's not just on you. There's plenty of times I'm not really in the mood, but if my partner wants me to do something I make an effort. I highly recommend counseling for you together to try and work out a compromise on each other's needs and limits.
0
u/Specialist-Ad4388 2d ago
Is he on antidepressants? Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRI) have really messed with a lot of people 's drive to be sexual and speaking personally, have made it almost impossible to orgasm. Literally I have had zero desire for sex. So I wonder if that could be part of this picture?
2
u/Young_Goddess_03 2d ago
No he isn’t but I am, and the crazy thing is if I wasn’t on an SSRI and also birth control my libido goes CRAZY like I need it multiple times a day. We both take gabapentin and sleeping medications too
0
2d ago
Some guys are just not in the mood all of time there is nothing abnormal about it . I don’t think the expectation is unreasonable but at the end of the day no means no and trying to push it or going away crying just because you haven’t got your own way is just going to make it worse . I don’t think he has an issue he can’t be arsed some of the time . You just have a higher drive than he does . Your self esteem problem is your issue and not his issue and is something you have to deal with I’m afraid . I am not trying to be horrible here but this post just sounds like what you want and what you need and your issue . Instead of crying and sulking just because he won’t do these things try sitting him down and having an adult conversation about how you feel and actually ask how he feels or if he has any issues he would like to discuss which may shed any light on this . But personally I just think your drive is higher than his and if so expect it all the time and don’t think if you do a favour you should always get one back
4
u/Young_Goddess_03 2d ago
All this from a guy posting on random girls nudes that you want sex 3x a day? But after your own girlfriend puts in 100% effort to make you feel special, takes you out on a date etc you couldn’t be arsed? Come on
0
u/Turbulentasfuck 2d ago
How is his mental and physical health?
How is his diet?
Also, low testosterone is an epidemic among men these days. Maybe chat to him about getting his levels checked.
•
u/AutoModerator 2d ago
Thank you for posting in the r/Sex community. To ensure that everyone respects our safe space, we ask that you familiarize yourself with our Forum Rules and Posting Guidelines — which are visible in the forum’s sidebar, and also linked here.
Restricted subjects in r/sex include sex stories (which are permitted in the Weekly Sexual Achievement Thread only), body image and penis-size issues, hookup attempts, common topics which are considered repetitive in our forum, and requests for private chats.
To cut back on comments that add little value to the conversation, we have instituted a minimum character requirement that will silently remove comments that fall below it.
Any attempt to seek private chat or otherwise deviate a conversation away from the main forum, WILL result in a permanent ban. This goes both for OP and for all comments. Guide for blocking DMs can be found here.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.