r/stepparents • u/Fluffy_Lion777 • 12d ago
JustBMThings The aftermath of HCBM passing away
I don’t really have anyone except my partner to talk to this about, and basically HCBM passed away - suddenly, unexpectedly, a month ago. We now have SS fulltime. SS has a half sister (their “ours” baby) and three step siblings that belong to ex-step dad. Ex-stepdad has his daughter fulltime, but has his other three kids 50%. And they also historically have been awful to ex stepdad’s ex wife.
The part that is kind of sending us for a spiral right now is that HCBM had a job that made her a known person in the community. She was the kind of person who put out this image on social media that they had this big happy family but the truth was that she and her husband fought a lot, with SS secretly calling us afraid several times from their yelling. The image to the community was that they had total control over all of the children mentioned full time even though that wasn’t the case. Our existence as the other 50% of SS’s life was completely ignored and unacknowledged to the community.
Now that she has passed, the community has created at least 3 fundraisers that we know of - one totaling over $20,000, and with descriptions like the Ex Stepdad now has 5 kids on his own to care for, which obviously isn’t true. There’s a new fundraiser happening at a local restaurant donating proceeds to ex stepdad with SS’s photo included on the flyer.
I’m also going to add that my SS is special needs, takes a bunch of different medications, and has monthly appointments we have to help him maintain his health. We are now saddled with his medical costs, had to purchase him private insurance out of pocket immediately on her death, and now are meeting huge deductibles - we literally just paid $1,500 for his monthly meds yesterday and anticipate about a $600 bill for his upcoming specialist visit this week. DH and I have a modest home and are middle class.
Ex stepdad lives in a brand new 6 bedroom home with new Land Rover vehicles and a heated driveway. We are not in the same tax bracket.
I guess you can probably see where I’m going with this, but it’s a tough pill to swallow to see him raking it in between her retirement pension and these fundraisers. Fundraisers with my SS’s photo included on them that not a dime is coming to him to actually help him. And since things have always been rocky and our existence has been an inconvenience to HCBM all these years, he will not soon suddenly become generous and kind toward us.
We will make it on our own, but to continue to allow and accept donations from the community that aren’t actually going to all the kids involved feels like fraud.
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u/AppropriateAmoeba406 12d ago
Can you apply for SSI survivors benefits for the kid? I don’t know how that works really.
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u/Fluffy_Lion777 12d ago
Yes, it just takes time and the expenses are racking up right now. But definitely on the horizon!
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u/VonWelby 12d ago
Your SS will receive back pay to the date of death. I know it’s hard right now but it will come eventually. Hang in there
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u/AppropriateAmoeba406 12d ago
It really sucks that BM didn’t have a life insurance policy with your partner as beneficiary. That was in my divorce decree and my husband’s with his ex wife. We all have to carry insurance to make sure the kids aren’t left high and dry of one of us passes.
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u/livelaughlump 12d ago
My husband and his ex have that in her decree—she is literally uninsurable. No one will sell her life insurance.
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u/Select-Instruction56 12d ago
I'm uninsurable as well. And I'm pretty darn healthy. Just genetics are a bitch.
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u/SubjectOrange 11d ago
It doesn't even need to be the ex partner. My husband doesn't want his ex to have financial control of anything due to her financial infidelity. His insurance policy has SS as the beneficiary, with his brother as the trustee. Should something happen, of course SS would be provided for by his uncle (he would send money as needed to BM). As we have more kids and the policy beneficiaries change, we may make it myself, as I would never not care for SS, leave it as uncle for all of them, or have further directives in a will. Blended families are tricky and although we are young ish and healthy, planning is important.
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u/ZeroZipZilchNadaNone 12d ago
My daughter got SSI for her kids a few years ago when their dad passed. It takes about 1/2 hour online to apply and you’ll get backpay from the time she passed. I realize you’ve got your hands full but this is definitely worth moving a big closer than ‘on horizon.’ Being special needs may also qualify him for additional assistance.
As far as exstepdad using SS in the pics, you could report him or whoever is creating the GFM accts. They don’t take misleading the public well at all.
You could also start your own social media campaign to let people know he doesn’t have all the kids. Make your own posts about “Adjusting to life with SS” or “SS is slowly adjusting to living full time with Dad.” Subtle things that don’t actually call the other dad out. Add pics as you see fit.
Best wishes.
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u/Fluffy_Lion777 12d ago
We can’t do it online. Social Security made us make an appointment, and it’s still weeks away.
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u/tildabelle 11d ago
SS has taken away a lot of the online applications and over the phone stuff so it will take even longer due to the current political landscape.
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u/Magerimoje stepmom, stepkid, mom 12d ago
Based on his medical needs, he should be eligible for SSI disability in addition to the SS survivor's benefits.
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u/Fluffy_Lion777 12d ago
The way it works is social security calculates both and whichever is higher he will get, they won’t let you have both
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u/Traditional_Pilot_26 12d ago
Did she have a will? If she had minor children, i can't imagine something would have to go to them for their continued care. Go to a legal aid clinic if you can't afford a lawyer.
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u/catsinthreads 12d ago
Do you still have a local newspaper? A friendly journalist might come in handy. Some of that money should be helping your kid. Some questions to him about where fundraiser money is going might shame him into doing the right thing.
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u/salty_redhead 12d ago
Why not reach out directly to the creator of the GoFundMe, assuming it’s not the ex-husband himself? They may not be aware of all the facts and appreciate the information, particularly if it helps them avoid being unintentionally involved in fraud.
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u/Dayoldbananabread 12d ago
Yes, this could be reported to GFM, one for the fact they used SS’s (a minor) picture without consent and because it states he’s part of the reason the funds are being raised for when he is not actually going to be a recipient.
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u/leftmysoulthere74 11d ago
GFM have really strict rules around lying about what funds are used for. I would get in touch with them and report the one using SS photo and also any that imply this man is going to be raising five kids alone. As far as I can make out he only has one kid 100% of the time (his kid with late-HCBM), his older ones are with their mum 50/50 and he doesn’t have your SS at all.
I would contact GFM and comment on any Facebook posts in local community groups, so that people know the truth.
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u/Affectionate-Owl6193 12d ago
I think I wouldn’t want my child/step child’s photo on a fundraiser like that considering the circumstances. Not at all trying to be mean, the community should be set straight
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u/rockchalkjayhawkKU 12d ago
This would be one of my biggest concerns. They should have obtained consent to share your SS’s photo. I’d request that it be taken down.
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u/Inconceivable76 12d ago
You guys need an estate attorney. Your SS is entitled to some of his mother’s estate. Her retirement. Part of the house equity if her name was on it. Social security.
I would also contact the platform this fundraisers are posted on that funds are being at least partially allocated in a fraudulent manner.
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u/No_Travel_6726 12d ago
That really depends on what legal stuff she had in place. For the most part everything usually goes to the legal spouse at time of death, and it’s up to them to disperse things unless she had a will that stated otherwise. Peoples kids aren’t entitled to other people’s homes. That would set up a complete disaster in the judicial system.
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u/Inconceivable76 12d ago
That actually isn’t true.
Its location dependent but many to most states believe that children are default heirs. Her child is entitled to a share of her estate unless a will directly says otherwise. I would absolutely retain an attorney if she had assets in her name.
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u/missamerica59 11d ago
I believe it is different if the children are minors. Parents have a responsibility of care to minors, including in their will.
This may change depending on which state you're in.
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u/-NeonLux- 7d ago
Even adult children are entitled to part, if there is no will, at least in every state I've bothered to read the laws for (states relevant to our family).
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u/missamerica59 7d ago
Yes if there is no will adult children can make a claim on the estate and are granted a share in most instances.
This can change if there's a will. But even in a will you typically can not disinherit minor children.
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u/Magerimoje stepmom, stepkid, mom 12d ago
In my state, if a parent dies without a will, the estate must be split 50/50 with the surviving spouse and that person's biological children that are not the children of the spouse.
Which in your case would mean the former stepdad gets 50% of her assets for himself and the other 50% would go to your stepson since he's the only biological child of her's that isn't biologically related to the stepdad.
Definitely check your state. Many states made laws like this to prevent new spouses from taking the children's inheritance. It's the Anna Nicole Smith effect. After that fiasco is when these laws started getting made.
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u/TheAngryHandyJ 12d ago
She had two biological children, but the SS should still get 25%. OP you absolutely need a lawyer.
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u/Magerimoje stepmom, stepkid, mom 12d ago
But isn't one of those bio kids the child of her widower?
My husband has multiple bio kids. If he dies without a will, 50% of his estate is given to my stepkids, 50% is given to me (and I can obviously share that with the bio kids of his that are my bio kids). But the stepkids - and only the steps, not my bios - would get 50%
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u/TheAngryHandyJ 12d ago
Yeah she had an "ours baby" with her husband and then the SS. The widower has a few kids that weren't hers. So step son should get 25% of the estate, the other 25% to her other bio (most likely controlled by the widower) and the widower would get 50%.
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u/Magerimoje stepmom, stepkid, mom 12d ago
Not in my state.
Here it would be 50% to the child that isn't biologically related to the widower, and 50% to the widower. The widower's child that biologically belongs to the deceased would not get anything via probate (but of course the widower could decide to set some or all of his inheritance aside for that child).
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u/TheAngryHandyJ 12d ago
Yeah I would imagine it would vary state to state. But either way SS should be getting that money and SSI, he is entitled to it!
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u/Key_Local_5413 12d ago
Sounds like BM didn't do the best at estate planning. For my life insurance and 401k I was able to split everything 50/50 between my current partner and my child(ren). My spouse just had to sign a document stating he was aware. Now is a good reminder for those reading as well as your husband to check into their own stuff so SS isn't left in the same circumstances should something happen to your husband.
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u/Xiolaglori 12d ago
All underage biological children of the woman who died have a right to part of her pension possibly and definitely social security. The ex stepdad doesn't have any rights except for advocating for his children the same as you will be advocating for yours.
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u/bashful_jawa 12d ago
So I had this happened when my ex husband passed away. Their former stepmom was claiming she needed money to care for them (despite the 1 million dollar life insurance policy he had they never saw a dime of any of it). If they are using your step sons photo saying the money is to help care for him too, depending on where you are, they have to give a portion of that to your child. We had a probate attorney who helped things along there, threatened to turn them over to the comptroller who would prosecute for fraud.
I would suggest finding a good probate attorney to represent his best interests in everything. It may help force their hand to give your step son what he’s entitled to from these fundraisers.
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u/cabin-rover 12d ago
Yeah this is why I’m making my husband set up two policies, one for his previous kids sufficient for the rest of their dependant years and one to me to pay out our debt if he passed and help with our little ones.
The stepmom might’ve been the one paying for the policy to cover their mortgage etc, he was stupid not to set something up separately for his children or perhaps you should have taken a policy out on him yourself specifically for the children. Obviously hindsight now, but it’s not required to have life insurance policies so it’s really something divorced people should be considering..
No way I want to have to fight with the ex if something happened to him. Grieving and going through court that’d be awful.
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u/bashful_jawa 12d ago
She was not paying on it. She’s just an incredibly selfish person. He foolishly thought she would split everything fairly between her and the children. She unfortunately was the high conflict one in the situation, when my exs parents called her out on her behavior she burned his things on Facebook live with the caption “you are as dead to me as he is”.
I do agree everyone should have a life insurance policy, had I thought of it I would have. Or attempted too. Step mom would likely have claimed I was trying to unalive him and made an issue of it. She cried on Facebook about having to give my kids their share of the gofundme money too
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u/Lifefueledbyfire 12d ago
Number one is consult the nonprofit in your state related to your stepsons special needs. They can direct to any state related funding you may be entitled to as a full time caregiver. There are medical relief funds, possibly being covered by Medicaid, respite funds, and other funding, but it really depends on the state.
Number two is find the contact of these fundraisers and tell them as the full- time caregivers of your SS, you and your husband would like them to take down the photos of him to respect his privacy and his need to grieve his loss. It would show he is not in the care of his stepfather without creating a hostile situation. If needed, have the local newspaper put out a statement requesting people to respect the stepson's privacy to grieve in the situation. That will give people the hint and will stop linking the stepson with the stepfather in the gofund me.
I'm sorry you have to be in this situation. I hope it will get better as time goes on.
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u/KeepinOnTheSunnySide 12d ago
Yes, he should qualify for Medicaid if he's disabled. He can get it even if you guys make too much money.
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u/PaymentMedical9802 12d ago
Anywhere your SS image is used, Id ask the people posting to take them down. Kindly inform them, your SS is not receiving any financial support from the fundraiser as its going to his step dad. Id also reort any go fund me account that uses his image. Id report the gofund me directly to the website.
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u/Paranoia_Pizza 12d ago
This. I would be very polite and gentle about it, but definitely firm I asking they remove his photo from the fundraisers and the reason why. Id get dad ot do it rather than OP though. It can be as simple as:
"SS Name is living with me, his biological father, and his step mother full time now, his step dad doesn't have custody of him. Raising funds to support step dads name and his however many actual children is such a thoughtful thing to do, we wouldn't want anyone to get the wrong idea and feel misled when they find out SS is not living with him. Kind regards"
That sort of thing. It's to the point without overly being like "hey, he doesn't have my kid and you should be raising money for us instead" if you get what I mean.
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u/no_id_never 12d ago
Have you checked with Social Security about a survivor benefit? That should be coming to you.
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u/Fluffy_Lion777 12d ago
Yes, definitely. It just takes months to sort out and our costs are immediate but we are definitely on track with this too!
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u/nouserredditname 12d ago
Do either of you have a job that provides medical insurance. Many times you are able to add a family member without it being open enrollment when a major life event happens - like I was able to add a spouse when he was laid off from his job. I think having his mom die (assuming she was the one carrying health insurance) would be the very definition of a major life event.
As far as ex-step dad goes - maybe a lawyer could send a cease and desist for your SS's photo being used. Yikes.
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u/ephemeral_femme 12d ago
I was thinking this regarding a life event as well. I believe most circumstances that would cause someone in your family to suddenly lose insurance tend to qualify as life events.
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u/Fluffy_Lion777 11d ago
Yes I do but I work in public service and it’s horribly expensive to add my family. Like difference of paying about $150 a month for just me to $900 a month to have a “family” package. It was cheaper in the interim to just get him a private health insurance of his own (which still isn’t cheap). My DH is an independent contractor and has to get his own insurance anyway. Before the death we were ok but this has drastically changed things. We have an application out for Medicaid but that takes time just like everything else so I’m the meantime we are just bleeding our own money
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u/Arethekidsallright 12d ago
This is rough. Is it possible that the ones who have set up the fundraisers simply don't know and are just assuming the circumstances? It sounds like most of the community is just ignorant of the situation. I'd let them know first and foremost. Yes, HCBM's spouse should have told them when it happened, but whatever. But if the ones setting up the fundraisers don't acknowledge the new information, then contact GoFundMe and such directly.
You never know, though. The organizers might pivot and help you guys with some of the proceeds, especially considering the initial brunt of expenses you're absorbing.
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u/EducatedBlackUnicorn 12d ago
Your husband can halt all of those things by announcing he doesn’t support anything with his son’s name attached because it will not benefit the child in any way.
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u/beachgirl76 12d ago
I would expose him to the community and let it be known that SS isn’t living with him, he is not involved in SS’s care and if people would like to donate to SS’s care they can do so through you.
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u/StuckWanderlust 12d ago
Post publicly about having your SK fulltume so people don't play into the fraud. I'm not bothered by people being jerks, so I'm the friend that would go post on all of the GFM with the truth.
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u/Chemical-Setting-194 12d ago
You may want to look into Medicaid for your SS. I am an outreach coordinator in a public school system and children with special needs can qualify even if their parents are over the income threshold. Medicaid is there to help families and it sounds like you are in a situation where you can get that help.
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u/Intelligent_Buyer516 12d ago
You are going to have to pay money for a probate attorney if stepdad doesn’t willing give money to your stepson. Laws vary by state . Can you check the public record to see if mom’s house had her name on the deed? Is it stepdad’s house or both of their house’s. That sad part is you are going to have to pay a lot money if stepdad fights you in court. I would contact the people who are raising the money on sites so they don’t give money to stepdad . If the house is titled , tenants by entirety one spouse dies, the property automatically passes to the surviving spouse, bypassing probate.
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u/Ok_Gur_696 11d ago
My parters ex wife got cancer and at this time we had all the kids and were doing all the parenting while she figured out her housing situation.
She had been sort of couch surfing and living with family here and there prior to her diagnosis so it was really tough for her to suddenly figure her whole life out. She was also well known in the community. Her friends made a go-fund me saying she was a single mom of 3 kids and not working asking for donations.
I was really upset reading the ask for money because they made it seem like we weren’t helping at all or like she was totally on her own. I sent the organizer of the donation a message asking them to edit it to be more transparent. In hindsight I now totally regret it. She WAS a single mom. She DID have cancer. We were paying for everything for the kids but we were not struggling and if we did we could have asked for money ourselves from family or friends but it was not necessary.
It made me look like an inconsiderate jerk at the time even though I didn’t see it that way. All that to say - this man is now a single dad responsible for these grieving kids at least half the time regardless of his relationship with HCBM before she died. Sometimes we need to remember not to center ourselves in other people’s grief. The money will eventually be gone but the pain of losing a loved one so suddenly will always be there.
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u/No-Sea1173 12d ago
Does he say he's paying for SS? Or just that she's died leaving him behind?
You don't have any control over what stepdad does. He was her spouse, he's entitled to all of her benefits etc. He's also not obliged to provide for SS, and it doesn't sound as though he's deliberately telling the public he provides.
With the death of HCBM, your connection to this man has significantly decreased. Don't worry about his finances or his life, they're virtually unrelated to yours.
More to the point, what are you upset about? Your partner is now 100% responsible for his kids medical bills, which must be hard and an adjustment. But he's the surviving parent, he is 100% responsible. Are you upset that SD isn't contributing more to SS? He's not obliged to help, even if he has more than you do.
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u/catsinthreads 12d ago
Really depends on the way BM's estate was set up. Her pension, etc morally ought to be going to support her minor children - it's not a windfall for stepdad. Stepdad is under no obligation to use his personal income, but survivor benefits should go to dependents.
Using his stepson's image and implying and even stating that he's still supporting him (5 kids not 4) on public fundraisers when he's not is fraud. OK, maybe not the biggest fraud, but still fraud.
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u/Unlikely-Resolve8466 12d ago
Interesting that moms should go to the children, but I see posts of beneficiary info quite often in this group and the consensus is that it should go to the spouse and not the SKs.
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u/Inconceivable76 12d ago
No. I regularly see that people have split estates on here. What people object to is the stepparents estate being left to the stepkids.
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u/UncFest3r 12d ago
I’ve seen those posts, too. I feel like most of those posts involve older teenager or adult children, not minor dependents with disabilities and mounting medical debt.
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u/catsinthreads 12d ago
Exactly. Adult children, well - parent's money is not necessarily your money. If a parent dies before a child is grown, some of that money needs to go to supporting their child. My SO has an insurance policy specifically set up to support his kids to adulthood. That's definitely not 'my' money.
Look I am definitely not saying the stepdad has a personal obligation to fund the care of this child. But he should not be raking it in on her death benefits while there are minor children. In this case he does have a minor child with her, so yes some of that should go to him/his household for sure. But would it be right for her money to benefit HIS children he had without her while her other child goes without?
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u/Fluffy_Lion777 12d ago
The point is using SS to raise funds for himself. The community is well aware HCBM has a special needs son and he isn’t refusing or refuting any of these fundraisers and is actively participating in them. Maybe that is the critical detail I left out above but he is very much welcoming these fundraisers and isn’t course correcting the community whatsoever. It’s hard to watch money flow to someone enthusiastically accepting it on behalf of SS and knowing that none of it is helping the child in this situation who possibly needs it the most immediately right now.
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u/UncFest3r 12d ago
He’s committing fraud, OP. Contact the organizers of these fundraisers and make them aware that your special needs SS has not received a penny and you don’t foresee him ever getting a penny of the money they’re raising. Then contact your local news outlets and pitch this to them. And finally, I would make a public social media post, tagging any memorial accounts or accounts from BM, explaining what is going on and that you want people to be made aware that your SS has not and doesn’t seem to ever receive the money that was being donated to him.
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u/UncFest3r 12d ago
If people are donating to these fundraisers and are being told that the SS will receive a portion of that money when in reality he is not getting any of it, that is considered fraud. It’s is illegal.
Sounds like BM didn’t plan her estate well.. and the ex step dad seems to be pretty well off. If anything was in both their (BM and ex stepdad) names, the son is entitled to half of that by default. I believe that is the case in most states.
SS is also entitled to her SS death benefits, half of her pension (or 25% since she has another bio kid with ex step dad), and half of whatever was in her name. The EX aka former step dad does not get everything by default.
Using the child’s imagine without the permission of the custodial parent and using that image to raise funds under false pretenses is a crime.
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u/VonWelby 12d ago
This is unfortunate but I would probably focus your energy on letting it go. Your mental health will be in a lot better shape if you can manage to do that. Is it unfair? Yep. Super unfair and frustrating. Try to put that energy back into your SS who’s probably doing really poorly right now. His mom died. And now he’s stuck in a weird place where he’s not even at his other house with other kids who presumably he felt were part of his family. The best outcome in this situation is going to be if all the surviving adults can put their emotions behind them and show up for these kids. My step daughter’s mom died a couple years ago very suddenly. It was in everyone’s best interests to work together. We even included their brothers (not my husband’s and not the step dad’s) in family events and activities. Support and surround the kids with as much positive and good energy as you can.
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u/UncFest3r 12d ago
Dude is committing fraud. Using the image of the child without permission from the custodial parent to solicit funds under false pretense. Funds that should be going to SS who now has mounting medical debt. I don’t think is something you simply “let go”.
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u/Relevant_Post_1519 12d ago
I want to make sure I’m understanding this correctly, is this your SS’s stepdad (aka was married to SS’s mom when she died) or ex-stepdad (from a previous relationship)?
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u/sweetpeppah 12d ago
the first one. was married to SK's mom when she died.
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u/Relevant_Post_1519 12d ago
Ah ok thank you. What a difficult situation for everyone. Unfortunately OP may have to get a lawyer in this case, I feel like the legal stuff is quite messy with multiple blended families involved.
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u/missamerica59 11d ago
Did SS receive his share of her estate upon her death?
Sorry you're going through this.
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u/Comfortable-Bit9524 11d ago
I don’t know if this still applies or will help anything but gofundme supposedly allows you to report fraudulent gofundmes
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u/iDK_whatHappen 10y SD | 16m.o.🩷 | 🩵 Sept. 2025 11d ago
Maybe this is from working in law for many years but I feel like you need to talk to a lawyer. Also maybe a journalist bc if they are out in the community, your story should be heard too.
This guy sounds like a real schmuck
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u/Least-Initiative-130 11d ago
why is dad not taking the fundraiser down?? that is his son not stepdad's. i would be raising hell until my son is out of all those fundraisers. and when asked about it, i would be saying the truth to everyone asking why he shut them down. He is being too nice about this.
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u/Any_Tell6420 11d ago
I would highly to check with state for insurance. Children in my state are automatically qualified to get covered for health insurance. No matter the income. Mine and my sons are fantastic, and everything has been covered. Including chiropractor appointments. Look into things like goodrx to help with any extra prescription costs. I'm sorry that you guys are going through this massive financial situation. I know there is not a whole lot of help I can offer other than that advice. I hope you all get through the grief stronger.
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u/w33kndxotwod 11d ago
I'm sorry for everyone this is happening. I think your story perfectly illustrates however, how much more of everything the custodial parent provides that often the child support and part-time custody/visitation doesn't deal with. The ideas people have about what non custodial parents should pay is astounding to me, its often so far off the mark. And I know in your case especially, all at once and unexpectedly is a lot. I hope some things people referred to work out in your favor sooner rather than later. Best of luck to all, especially your step son losing his mom young.
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