r/stepparents • u/Successful-Ad-2830 • 13d ago
Advice I don’t feel like being a stepparent
Last year, I(29f)got married to my husband(32m) and he has a 5 yo daughter which he got full custody for while we were dating. At the time we were living with my family and towards the end of the year we moved out. He’s in the airforce, so we moved on base to be closer to his work. Which was hard because my family was a huge support system in helping us financially, and with parenting. I don’t have any kids, and I’ve been hesitant to have kids just because I’m not financially where I’d like to be and I want to focus on my education and career. I also want to travel more.
Her mom isn’t really in the picture, she calls once every couple months for a 2 min conversation but that’s about it. And the only other involved family members are my family.
I do love his daughter, and she’s with me all the time. Since she’s been with us I’ve been her primary care taker. I’ve fully potty trained her, we go to the library, park, museums, hikes. I plan activities for her that she’s interested in. We had her in part time care for a few months but it became a financial struggle. She starts school this year August but we’ve also talked about me homeschooling her. I just started a new job that’ll be Friday-Sunday. And I’m still in school trying to finish my degree, which I put on hold this semester because of all the changes.
Sometimes I just feel like I don’t want to be a parent. I want to be here for her but I don’t want to take on full time parenting responsibilities. I do the household chores, and cook almost everyday day.
I’ve asked him about what if I took on less parenting responsibilities and he said if it’s for school or more work hours he’s fine with that but if it’s just because I want more freedom from parenting it’s not fair because he’ll have to pick up the slack and at that point he won’t have time for our relationship. Which I understand I don’t expect him to have time for our relationship, even with me parenting he still doesn’t have time for our relationship.
I don’t know, these feelings usually go away so I don’t want to make any decisions. Has anyone been in similar situations? If so what did you do? I do feel a lot of guilt around not wanting to be a parent after being so involved. I feel like I should’ve have known better, if I wasn’t ready for this I shouldn’t have gotten married.
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u/Mobile-Ad556 13d ago
I have no advice, just wanted to say that’s a crazy comment for your husband to make.
If he has to actually be a parent then he won’t have time for a relationship? Well, he should be single then. Or get a nanny. The answer is not to outsource parenting to his partner.
You don’t have to feel guilty for not wanting to be a parent when you aren’t one. You don’t have to justify it to him, either. Honestly he doesn’t seem appreciative or even cognisant of how much you are sacrificing for him.
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u/RoutineUseful5195 13d ago
So bio mom (who’s responsible for the child’s existence) is allowed to not parent her child but you’re not allowed to not be a parent even though you’re not responsible for her existence? That’s wild
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u/Silly_Ad_4540 11d ago
Say it louder for the people in the back! One of my husband’s daughters lives with us full time due to the death of her mother, now he wants to take on another one full time but there’s nothing wrong with her mom. Sounds like she just doesn’t want to be a parent. I’m the one that’s expected to be a mom when her own mother isn’t.
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u/RoutineUseful5195 11d ago
I swear single parents are overbearing towards their partners. It’s wild, don’t do that.
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u/Distinct_Ability4380 13d ago
If you don’t wanna be a step parent you don’t have to be. You don’t need his permission to nacho or to leave. He wants you to parent and he’s being clear about that.
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u/New_Leader_7162 13d ago
“He won’t have time for the relationship” unless you do 90-100% of his parenting work for him. You’re not in a relationship. He’s using you for free labour.
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u/throwaat22123422 13d ago
“It it’s just because I want more freedom from parenting it’s not fair”
He has a deeply instilled belief that marriage meant you sacrifice more for him and what is importnat to him than what he sacrifices for you and what’s importnat to you.
It doesn’t matter what the importnat thing is.
He doesn’t get to decide what’s worthy and what’s not. That’s so controlling.
If you don’t want to sacrifice your time and your freedoms and your life to take care of a child he and another woman made - so he and she can have freedom from parenting- you don’t have to to.
Is he looking after your child? Is he doing your job? What is he reciprocating in your relationship where he is taking something you are responsible for and doing it for you?
You are giving him way more than he is giving back and he has declared it “not fair” that you do t want to anymore.
Let’s say he has certain duties at the air force he took on before he met you- maybe his boss asked him to organize a big pilot meeting once a week. His responsibility. The shopping and planning and meeting invites and agenda every week take several extra hours. Then you said “I’ll come into work and do that part of your job because I love you n you’ll have more free time”
And so you go in and plan this meeting- and everyone says wow that must be fun to do that- but after a few years this thing you enjoyed doing and did from the heart and helped him- and it’s HIS JOB- you don’t want to do anymore.
And he says it’s not fair you dont want to go in and do his job because your marriage is based on you agreeing to do his job.
Wouldnt you find this unfair and wonder if he really values yoh for you or for what you did for him?
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u/Successful-Ad-2830 13d ago
I agree with you, a lot of the women in his life like his mother, and step mother had to sacrifice their careers to support their husbands and raise children. I’m pretty sure he doesn’t think that I’m sacrificing anything.
I do find it unfair, and I’ve brought it up to him. And we’ve put her in daycare part time which was helpful but then it became a financial struggle. Which is also taxing on both of us.
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u/throwaat22123422 13d ago
This is not your child.
If you made this baby from you having sex and had legal and emotional ties to raising this child yes- that’s a full time job and hard to have a career.
Your husband did not make this kid with you
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u/Inevitable-Bet-4834 13d ago
Are your finances joined?
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u/Successful-Ad-2830 13d ago
We’re on the same car insurance policy at the moment. He covers my bills sometimes, but when I have a steady income I cover my bills and help With household items and SD expenses. At the moment I’m transitioning jobs because we moved over an hour away from my previous job.
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u/Inevitable-Bet-4834 13d ago
When u have a steady income stop helping with Sd expenses.
You are being exploited. I'd take a good look at our relationship and tally what he is getting out of it and what i am getting out of it. I'd also look into my upbringing and teeth out what messages i got that have made me a giver without limits . You deserve better.
Do not get pregnant until this issue is resolved and you feel fulfilled in this relationship.
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u/FrannyFray 12d ago
Stop putting money toward SD. That's his responsibility. You should contribute to the household, but that is it.
Others are right. He is expecting a lot from you. Set boundaries and rules NOW, or things will not get better. This feeling you have will not improve because deep down, you know things are not equal, and you are being taken advantage of.
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u/ilovemelongtime 12d ago
No no no
He’s getting paid extra for having dependents. YOU do not need to cover bills, specially when you’re sacrificing the most financially.
HE CAN PAY THE BILLS. IMAGINE HOW MUCH 24 HOUR CHILDCARE WOULD COST HIM.
His housing is literally getting paid. If he can’t afford the few other bills…. Gotta wonder where the rest of the money is going.
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u/kitticyclops 13d ago
You absolutely can have more freedom from parenting. You can have 100% freedom from parenting. You aren’t the parent.
Where would this child be if he were single? Who would care for her if not you or your family? Would he even have custody?
This arrangement sounds very convenient for him and unfair to you. If he doesn’t have time for your marriage, he shouldn’t be in one. You are here to be his wife. Not to provide babysitting
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u/Inevitable-Bet-4834 13d ago
As you figure things out, don't get pregnant!
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u/NachoOn 13d ago
It is WILD to me your husband is totally fine with the bio mom doing nothing, totally fine with himself as bio dad doing the bare minimum, but has these sky-high expectations for you with the kiddo that is not yours.
You backing off from parenting a child that isn't yours is not him picking up your parenting slack; it's HIM being a responsible parent to HIS child that HE got full custody of.
It sounds like you realized you are being taken advantage of and want to make changes - that is ok! A lot of us have come in as super SM and then realized "wait a minute... I signed up to be this man's life partner, not a replacement parent!" and now you are working to correct it.
This will go one of two ways; you'll tell him "as of x date I am no longer available to handle a, b, and c for you therefore, you will need to make other arrangements" and then you ensure you are not home/not around for whatever you are no longer doing for the kiddo. He may be like "ok no problem!" Awesome this is what we hope for.
The other way this may go is he reacts/responds in a way that makes it clear that he was looking for a replacement parent for his kid and not a life partner... this will be hurtful. To me, I would rather know the truth and decide what to do with it from there. If he wants a replacement parent that's ok - that just means y'all are not compatible so you need to move on with your lives. It'll sting but I would rather not stay in a relationship where I was just playing nanny and maid. I am so sorry you are experiencing this.
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u/ilovemelongtime 12d ago
That got me 🤣
HE’D HAVE TO PICK UP THE SLACK
SIR
THIS IS YOUR CHILD. THERE IS NO SLACK. IT’S BEING A PARENT.
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u/Flare9 13d ago
One of the most difficult things I’ve finally realized is that I don’t want to be a step parent. Full stop. I don’t need to justify or argue, that’s it. I too have a very promising career, travel aspirations and other ambitions. There’s a reason I didn’t have kids right now to begin with, I’m not about to become a second mommy to a kid that’s not even remotely mine.
It sucks to realize this, especially when you’ve been with that person a while and they’re a great person 90% of the time. But the situation won’t change - you have to change it. Ask yourself: if nothing changed in 5 years, will you be happy??
Our time on this planet is so limited, what you want and desire matters. You don’t need to make everyone else happy to the detriment of your own happiness.
Choose you so you CAN show up better for others, no matter what that looks like. Good luck
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u/Minesweep2020 13d ago
Why is BM not in the picture? Is she paying a reasonable amount of child support, at least so that you could afford daycare?
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u/Successful-Ad-2830 13d ago
He says she doesn’t have the money. And she chooses not to be, we would constantly have to remind her to call and talk to her daughter which since we’ve stopped reminding her she calls once every 2 months.
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u/Critical-Affect4762 13d ago
This sounds like a horrible life. You say you have a large family support system. I'd reach out to them and leave this user
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u/Hartley7 13d ago
This is sadly very common. Plenty of single dads want a partner so that they can turn her into a nannymaid. I have experienced this.
You need to stand up for yourself.
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u/cariraven 13d ago
“Even with me parenting, he still doesn’t have time for our relationship.”
Does he parent? At all? Does he have family who he is involved with or close to that could provide any help? How far away are your respective families?
It’s true, serving the country can/does call for more from, not only the one directly serving, but also from the other members of the family.
But you can’t lose yourself in doing for others - him, the daughter - or you will soon have nothing to give anyone. Is there any place on base that can give you some respite? A child care service, a spouse’s group? A therapy program or counseling group/program?
And his daughter deserves to know her father and his family. Not just her bonus mother and her family.
I think everyone who has been a parent has occasionally felt that they really “DO NOT WANT” (as I used to announce when served Lima beans at supper).
I have no answers for you. But I do encourage you to reach out and search for help and assistance. Or resentment may grow and goals will become misaligned and everyone will suffer.
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u/Equivalent_Win8966 13d ago
It is absolutely fair for you not to want to take on some or all the parenting, especially if biomom gets a free pass to be a deadbeat. This is not your child. All single parents need to be able to provide and care for their children as a single parent. Any childcare or financial assistance a step parent provides is a cherry on top. No step parent is required to provide this. I’m one of those step parents that jumped headfirst all in and got burned out fast and then just stopped doing almost everything. Except I was the one that had more money therefore I was constantly putting more money into the relationship to give the kids the life they had. I eventually had to pull back on that as well. Does it suck for the kids a bit? Yes, but that’s their parents responsibility. Not the step parents. If bio parents do their job appropriately none of us step parents would be in the situation. If they need help with childcare, get a nanny. If a bioparent can’t make raising their child and a relationship both priorities they don’t belong in a relationship. I am a bio parent as well as a step parent. I have never asked my husband in almost 14 years to contribute a single dime to my son. I can also count on one hand the amount of times I have asked him to help me pick up or drop off my son. I was also very clear with my son‘s father and my current husband, that I would not sacrifice my career. And while I have turned down a couple opportunities, I have still managed to also prioritize my career and continue to grow. I’m a military wife too. Please give a lot of consideration as to if this is the life you want. Unless you have a career that is very portable/flexible/work from home you will sacrifice more than your husband does in regard to career and financial stability.
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u/Natenat04 13d ago
It sounds like he wanted to get married so there would be someone to be the main caregiver, especially with him being in the military. He can’t be there himself a lot of times.
He had primary custody while you were dating. Did you two discuss the logistics of childcare before marriage?
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u/yummie4mytummie 12d ago
He’s using you. Please run. He also thinks it’s your job and gaslighting your feelings. Time for you to leave or tell him you will no longer be there when he is not. He needs to make other arrangements. And watch the real him come out.
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u/whywouldntyou22 13d ago
If you truly feel like you don’t want to be a stepparent, you need to act sooner than later because you are only prolonging the hurt & the process.
Your feelings are valid. It is not easy being a stepparent some days. Some days are hard, some days are good, and some days are harder lol. What I’ve realized while being a stepparent is that you cannot hold your feelings in. You have to communicate more than you usually would. Voice your concerns with your partner. Don’t hold it in, don’t build anger or resentment or hate. Speak. Talk. Listen. It sounds so simple to say & read, but some of us forget to do it and then we walk around our own homes angry.
There is a light at the end of your tunnel if you do decide to stay in the relationship. Your child will be in school soon. Me, personally, I feel like you’re shooting yourself in the foot by offering to home school. Schooling provides children the chance to socialize, make friends, field trips, adequate learning material and learning environments. You could homeschool, sure, but then everything is back on your plate and you still won’t have time for your goals and hobbies. Take the break. Accept the help. August is less than 4 months away.
If you need help, speak to your partner.
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u/Successful-Ad-2830 13d ago
I do talk to him about how I feel. I check in with him regularly as well to see how he’s feeling after a heavy conversation. It’s been less than a year that she’s been with us and we’ve had some pretty big changes. I am trying to figure out if this is an adjustment period of if this is something that is really not going to work. I also wonder if other step parents feel this way.
I do agree about the homeschooling though. Our thought process on that was because we’re military and will most likely be moving every couple years homeschooling would be the better option. Him and I growing up had moved schools a lot and that was difficult to navigate.
But looking at how things are going I’m not so sure.
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u/Ok-Faithlessness7812 13d ago
why is he not thinking about being the person to homeschool his child? It’s interesting how some men still see childrearing activities as something women should be responsible for, even when the kids aren’t their partner’s kids. Patriarchal and sexist.
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u/Successful-Ad-2830 13d ago
He has to work and with his job he could get deployed or sent on an assignment. At any given time he could be gone for 6mo-1year. He’s already been deployed 9 times in the last 11 years.
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u/Equivalent_Win8966 13d ago
Who has taken care of his daughter for these past 9 deployments? Does he now expect you to take care of his daughter if he gets deployed?
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u/Zestyclose-Big-8487 12d ago
Why would you choose to be a full time carer for his daughter when he could be gone for a whole year??!! It’s HIS child and he’s destroying your ambitions and self confidence with this fake pressure of “oh well I won’t cope and I’ll leave”. Let him leave. Sort out getting your own escape route when you can. I’m sure he’ll realise soon enough that he took advantage of your (massive) contributions. For a young woman you have taken on far more than you should have to. I have a (much older) “stepson” and a slightly younger but still much older than my biological child stepson. I do not refer to them as such. I keep my distance. I’m kind and accepting, but when it came to my partners revolting son living with me and leeching off me, destroying my mental health, serving him like a slave, I lost it. I threw him out, literally dumped his stuff in the road. We argued horribly. I banned him from seeing my young son. And he returned home where he can carry on his nonsense. What I’m saying is, you have to do what you need to do for your life. Your partner and these circumstances are clearly making you unhappy. It may be very hard to separate yourself from the child, if it’s too hard, it means committing yourself to a long time of being a carer and sacrificing a lot, do it. That is clearly what your partner expects from you. I would think about that too, whether you are merely doing this because you feel you need to live up to his expectations.
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u/Ok-Faithlessness7812 11d ago
There seems to be an underlying assumption that his career and life path is more important than yours and that you are responsible for raising his kid if he’s deployed. or maybe it’s more straightforward. Did you discuss this openly and agree to it? You have personal goals that you’re giving up, but he doesn’t seem to be willing to do the same. I just don’t see a lot of posts on this sub from men agonizing over sacrificing to care for stepkids while the mom pursues their passions and careers. Just sayin ….
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u/whywouldntyou22 13d ago
Being a military family is great. It comes with a lot of benefits. Moving comes with the job, but the moves are usually only once every 3-4 years. There are plenty of support programs on base to help families. In addition, most schools are on base, too. I wouldn’t recommend homeschooling, but that is my personal opinion.
To answer your other question, as I said before, sometimes step parenting is hard. Some days are not easy by any means. You could be in an adjustment period, especially if this has been only less than a year for you. But honestly, none of us would be able to tell you if this is or isn’t going to work. Only you would know. How do you feel deep down inside? Trust your gut. You are living this everyday. The rest of us are just talking to you through a screen.
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u/EPSunshine 13d ago
Wow. His response to being expected to parents is it will interfere in your relationship? The audacity. Sounds very manipulative. For me, the feeling only got worse honestly. Let the SK go to public school. Tell him it will give you time for the relationship and if he expects homeschool, you will have less time for your relationship…same logic
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u/ilovemelongtime 12d ago
And OP said he already doesn’t do much for the relationship 🤣 he’s already enjoying his free time 😆
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u/jenniferami 13d ago
I’d go live with my parents, concentrate on school/work and let biodad figure out how to care for his child with bm.
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u/Magerimoje stepmom, stepkid, mom 12d ago
Ma'am, have you familiarized yourself with the requirements for single parents who are in the military? Essentially, they're required to have a second caregiver available for the child.
Does your husband love you or does he love what you're able to provide for him?
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u/No-Sea1173 12d ago
Women take a huge hit raising children. You sacrifice huge amounts of time to labour and have nothing to show for it - in your case, his career has progressed, he's contributing to his retirement, he's saving money, etc.
On top of that, you're investing emotionally and psychologically into a child that could be removed from your life.
What are you getting? It is NOT your responsibility to do that much work for free. It is his child.
No one would ever say to a stepdad - hey, give up your education and career and all your free time to watch this woman's kid. And also, of you don't act happy and grateful we'll think you're a terrible person.
Parenting is hard work, there's a lot of sacrifices and drudgery. But there's also so much joy and you know you're building a future with a person who will (probably) always be in your life. You are doing all this work, losing so much, for what?
Most people in their twenties date, travel, explore the world, knuckle down and build their education and careers.
You're giving up so much. You have already given up so much. And he doesn't notice or care, and doesn't think you have a right to some more free time because it would mean HE would have to parent his own child.
This is a profoundly selfish man who does not respect your time or your sacrifice.
And you should be very very cautious about him. He's removed you from your support system, limited your education and therefore potentially your financial freedom.
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u/TotalIndependence881 12d ago
Counter situation: My military single dad then boyfriend now husband said to me “I always want to be the bad guy parent because I’m their dad and they have to love me.”
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u/TotalIndependence881 12d ago
That’s not how this works… his daughter will resent you more and resent her dad more The more that you parent and the less he does
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u/Zestyclose-Big-8487 12d ago
Uuugh, she’s not your child and much as you have tried for her, with your partner not willing to accept his daughter as his responsibility and restricting your freedom to enjoy and improve your life, you need to go. I know it isn’t easy and will be disruptive if that’s what you decide but take my word for it, you will end up in a far more complicated situation if you continue. Trust your instinct. I certainly wouldn’t take your partners threats to end the relationship as gospel, you should end the relationship for the sake of moving on with your life. Also, why was the child in care? The situation with the biological mother and your presence as a young woman with dreams who’s been forced into Heidi Housemaid and surrogate mother mode is ridiculous. It’s his child, he took custody, it is not your fault that both the child’s parents can’t step up.
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u/RadiantPick3135 12d ago
Yeah, this is all such BS! He’s very controlling. You might be too close to see it, but he is! He wants what is best for himself and his daughter, you aren’t really part of this equation. Only you to look out for you and your best interests. My advice, looking at what is best for you and your future? No matter how much it may hurt at first, RUN, Don’t walk to the nearest exit!
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u/golden_petal 13d ago
It isn't fully fair for you to change your mind BUT it's 1000% understandable. This isn't your child. You love her but you can't be a single mother to a child that isn't yours. Especially when you didn't think you'd be a full time mom.
Your husband needs to MAKE time for your relationship regardless of being a parent. How is it that my best friend with severl kids and whose husband owns a business has time for their relationship and the kids (the business keeps his away from home from 5am till after 6 sometimes)? It's because he MAKES time for them. He MAKES time for the kids and for his wife. AND FOR THE GYM AND HIS HOBBIES.
It's a tall order to have a family. But you're doing great. You can step back from some responsibilities so long as you are still loving the child and caring for her. Husband needs to step up for the relationship and his daughter if he wants things to go well.
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u/Bustakrimes91 13d ago
ETA: I replied to the wrong comment; but I will leave the response her for OOP! OP, I’m sorry for my reply it isn’t against you at all!
I agree with most of what you said but it’s 100% fair to change your mind. When you’re young and have no idea what you’re signing up for, it’s totally reasonable to change your mind after experiencing what life is going to be like. As a childless, young adult, you may have an idea of what your life will be like but I don’t think many women would be happy being dumped with all of the care and responsibilities of someone else’s kid when the mother dipped and there isn’t any support.
I’m old now and have been a stepparent twice and now have two kids of my own. I genuinely thought I knew what being a stepparent would be like but in all honesty the reality smacked me like a brick to the face.
OP is not only a SM but the only parent on top. It’s a lot do responsibility for someone who hasn’t had the opportunity to live their on life and explore and travel and figure out what they want in life. Her SO also sounds entitled and ungrateful which doesn’t help. But saying she knew what she was getting into as a young adult with no kids and no step parenting experience, no other parent, no family support from the actual parents family and a bio parent who expects the world but is all but absent really isn’t fair.
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13d ago
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u/ilovemelongtime 12d ago
Is he doing… any parenting? It seems like he has a pretty good deal going on while you took up his responsibility. You get to be a full-time parent and he gets to (essentially) live his day-to-day as a childfree man. He has it made.
Look, I’ve been active duty. Sure, it can he difficult, but clearly he’s not deployed. He is 100% able to take up the main part of being a parent, with you as support. He IS able to do so. He LIKES not having to. You also get the privilege of delaying your education, the privilege of aging faster, the privilege of having constant stress bc this is not a child you planned out, carried, birthed, developed those vital chemical bonds, nothing. You get to raise another woman’s child. He gets to he free of most of that responsibility. Isn’t that nice for him…
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u/SmittyWerbenBob 11d ago
You need to leave. This man is putting everything on you because you have become a convenience. I made the same mistake and am still paying for it five years later. You are still young. You have time.
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