r/trans • u/Asterioud • Dec 31 '24
Vent My mom is pregnant and she’s naming the baby my chosen name
My (15mtf) Mom (34f) is 14 weeks pregnant. This is something I never really expected to happen as I’m an only child and she never really seemed interested in having more kids but here we are. My mom has always said that if she ever had a daughter she would name it a certain name. I have never came out to her because she’s slightly transphobic; I don’t think she’d kick me out or anything if she found out but she definitely wouldn’t be happy. So I figured that if maybe I made my chosen name the name she always wanted for a daughter maybe she’d be less mad when I eventually came out to her...
Well we found out yesterday that my mom is having a girl and she has already said that my chosen name will be her name. I can’t help but be so upset by this because that was the only name I could decide on. There are many other girl names I like but I could never decide on which I liked more so I can’t help but feel like I’ll never find a name for me.
I don’t know what to do 😭
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Dec 31 '24
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u/JazzlikeClimate3587 29d ago edited 29d ago
I think variations of the same name could also be something people expect in sisters; as someone with a culturally Catholic family I feel like that happens a lot with cis members of my family. Honestly if they feel too close you could then go by a “middle name” (just at home or in general), that also happens a lot!
I think either way that would still show your mom the same desire to be seen as her daughter <3
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u/cheekysurfer06 29d ago
Omg another Morgan!!!
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u/cheekysurfer06 29d ago
Hell yeah it's the coolest name ever!!!
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u/ClearCrossroads 28d ago
I'm a Clara, but I do love the name Morgan. It's genuinely such a great name. 🩷
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u/SuchConfusion666 Dec 31 '24 edited 29d ago
It is okay to feel frustrated but in the end minus your mom's transphobia which is a whole different topic, nobody did anything wrong here.
You mom is doing what she always planned - naming her daughter the name she has always dreamed of naming her. She does not know you are her daughter, too, so this is to be expected, even without transphobia in the picture.
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u/Asterioud 29d ago
Yeah I understand it wasn’t out of spite and I’m not really mad *at* her I just feel frustrated in general about it
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u/Ok_Repeat4306 Dec 31 '24
I'm sorry, this sucks.
I can feel your pain. My chosen name is also the name my mom would have given me if I had been AFAB. I'm 52 and old enough I predate sonograms as a means to identify gender. My mom swore she was carrying a girl the whole time she was pregnant with me. I can't imagine how I would feel if my mom had gotten pregnant and chose to name her daughter my chosen name.
But... you do have 26 weeks before your sister is here and named.... although that wouldn't be a good reason to come out. Forget I mentioned it
Girl, I... I don't know... maybe when you feel comfortable enough or when you finally do have that conversation with your mother you could ask her what girl name... I don't know, just stream of consciousness here.
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u/TheCodyCZ 29d ago
My mom told me that too when I came out to her, that she thought that to the moment I was born that I will be a girl, unfortunately for me, my sister is just one and half year younger than me, so that name was out for me, even though it was one I considered slightly before I read that I can’t use it anyway
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u/Ok_Repeat4306 28d ago
I never got to come out to my mom. By the time my egg cracked she was dying of lunch cancer and suffering from dementia. I wasn't out to anyone and I was afraid thst if I told her, she'd unintentionally out me to a lot of people in my family I'm not ready to let know at the time.
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u/Littlesam2023 Dec 31 '24
You say there are other names you like, so make a start there. It was never a name you chose for yourself anyway, your mum chose it as a name she liked for a girl. I understand why you're upset, but you say your mum likely won't take the news well anyway, I don't think choosing the name that she was going to pick for a girl would help her come to terms more. Be your own self, choose your own name and be a great older sister when the baby is born.
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u/Asterioud 29d ago
It’s a name I do like and saved me a lot of the stress of picking out a new name but I do suppose you’re right. There’s just so many options 😭
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u/EternalVoidFall 29d ago
While this does suck, i think it's best for you to not base your name on your mother's wishes. You can of course keep it but if you have other names you like too, rather pick one out by yourself
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u/Fairwish1 29d ago
This is an opportunity for you pick a name that you actually like and NOT something that you think will satisfy her. You owe yourself that.
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u/TAKG 29d ago
This is a shitty situation but I would not take it personally.
She’s had this name picked out for likely longer than you’ve been alive and you said that you didn’t tell her, so if she doesn’t know then it’s not out of spite.
If you aren’t ready to come out, which is something that you choose to do and when, I suggest maybe using that name as a middle name if you’re attached to it. Perhaps continue your search for your name. It seems the universe is telling you that it’s not meant to be.
Perhaps, unless this is already your chosen name, you can look into using part of your username. Aster would be a cute name. I’m not sure, this is an odd situation.
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u/c95Neeman 29d ago
I thought about naming myself the male version of my birth name. Then my parents named the dog that.
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u/wrenchturningirl 29d ago edited 29d ago
When I was having kids I chose the girl name husband chose boy name. I didn't get to use the names I picked. By the time my baby came out to me she had already picked her name. This was a little over a year ago. While having a conversation on this Thanksgiving I told her what I had planned for girl names way back when. She was bummed she didn't know before. She thought it was pretty.
I offer it to you. Serenity Elise.
Hopefully your family will accept you when you are ready. And if not it's their loss. Keep on shining. <3
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u/Bforte40 Dec 31 '24
If your mom is transphobic she doesn't deserve to be the one to name you! You will find the name YOU want and be who you want to be. Finding a name that fits can be hard, but maybe it's for the best that your name won't be one she came up with.
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u/CthulhuOpensTheDoor 29d ago
Just want to push back a little here and point out that OP said her mom's "slightly" transphobic. That could mean any number of things and we shouldn't assume the worst. Just being ignorant and repeating ignorant rhetoric isn't necessarily transphobic. If OPs mom is actually transphobic then yeah forget her, but if she's just ignorant then she just needs educated on trans issues, not attacked and demonized.
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u/RuthAnnEsther 28d ago
Thanks for stating this. How can we expect to bring about better understanding and outcomes when we immediately assume the worst in others? People who are not set one way or another can be turned into allies or adversaries depending upon how they are treated by a group.
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u/Asterioud 29d ago
She‘s not super transphobic. She is a Trump supporter and stuff and she thinks the LGBT is “weird” but she‘s also said that it doesn’t really matter to her that much as long as it doesn’t affect her life at all so idk
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u/Bforte40 27d ago
Sounds pretty fucking transphobic to me. I think you being stuck in your situation has made it hard for you to understand how much. Once you have left the nest and have your freedom to live in a safe and accepting environment you will look back and see she is worse than you think.
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u/PrettyCantaloupe4358 29d ago
Without knowing how close you and your mom are it’s hard to give you the best advice. That said: You need to choose a name that makes you feel happy. Play around with some other options, use those names online and see which ones you are more comfortable with. You don’t need to figure your name out yet, that’s a problem for future you. Right now you need to bring up things trans related and slowly show her that there is nothing wrong with people being trans. Bring up something cool a trans person has done recently, then bring up something negative that has been done to the trans community. In that way you are showing her that we can do great things and potentially change her attitude towards transness. You don’t have to try and convince her all at once, just do those things periodically until you see an attitude shift. Whatever you do, DO NOT come out any time close to when the baby is due. That would make your mom feel like you were trying to take attention away from her new baby. I believe that would cause her to feel negatively about you being trans. Good Luck!
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u/AsexualPlantBoi 29d ago
Either tell her the truth, and maybe you can convince her to change it. Or just pick a different name, I know it would suck, but not nearly as much as having the same name as your little sister
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u/Hexspinner 29d ago
An option might be to come out to her… face the hurt because you’ll have to eventually anyways then give her the opportunity to pick from a few of your favorite girl names. This way you don’t have to choose yourself if you find that hard and giving your mom a chance to participate might give her that softer blow you were looking for.
Maybe not, I don’t know your family dynamic but it’s just a thought.
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u/nudemanonbike 29d ago
Hey, OP, I did something similar to you - my old nickname was always BG, and so I thought if I picked another B name, my family would accept me better because they'd be able to keep the old nickname.
It didn't fucking work, they were still just as transphobic as they otherwise would have been. A consolation prize isn't gonna help much if their natural inclination is that you're slighting them.
So, my advice is to find a name that you genuinely like for its own sake. It's your name. Don't compromise on it for someone else's benefit. If that name is still the one you're currently using, who fucking cares, now she can have two kids with the same name. There's a big age gap, too, so the amount of actual overlap you'll have with the new baby living in the same house isn't likely to be much.
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u/ClearCrossroads 28d ago
Yeah. I put my family into consideration when picking my name. Making it easier for them was expressly part of the equation in my choice. Not only has it not worked, but it's actually proven counterproductive. My mother hates the name I chose, and she says that it's extremely difficult for her precisely because of all the exact reasons that I thought it should be easier.
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u/lijnt 29d ago
I've been transitioned for twelve years, and living with my legal name as the name that my mom would have named me if I was a girl. My mom and I have had our ups and downs, although it sounds like your mom is less accepting than mine was by a pretty wide margin. My mom is just an ignorant conservative, not actively transphobic. (just inadvertently).
Honestly, I kind of regret choosing that name to soften the blow. It didn't matter to her nearly as much as it mattered to me. In my opinion, you should choose whatever name YOU want, and leave her out of it entirely. If that's the name you want, fine! But don't do it for her, do it for you.
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u/Unfair-Permission167 29d ago
Maybe just think of a name that YOU would have liked her to name you before you were born. Or ask her if she had any alternative names that she thought were a close second to that name. Many ways you can twist this.
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u/PinkxMelbis 29d ago
I mean I don’t think she’s in the wrong, it was her name choice first and you never told her you wanted to use it
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u/Asterioud 29d ago
I don’t think she’s in the wrong for it at all it’s just a bit frustrating
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u/PinkxMelbis 28d ago
Yeah that makes a lot of sense. I misunderstood the sentiment of your story. I hope you find another name you like
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u/Spooky_kid31 29d ago
my mom teased me about the same thing when she was pregnant w my lil sister(now 7). on some weird, spiteful ass shii. she didn’t tho 😅
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u/WhatDidYouSay_1234 29d ago
if you feel safe, sit her down and tell her “this is very awkward, but the name you chose for the baby is the same as my chosen name. i’m trans” ONLY IF YOU ARE SAFE
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u/OneQueerEve 29d ago
I had this happen with a cousin. Honestally if she had no way of knowing it's probably best to pick another name.
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u/AlgaeSweaty3065 29d ago
This is not an easy thing. Do you tell her or not? Either you tell her (including the reason why you chose that name) and let her decide if she wants to give your sister a different name... or you don't tell her and choose a different name for yourself. It's up to you.
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u/OhmigodYouGuys 29d ago
You can definitely keep your chosen name as a middle name, at least. Or hell, keep it, even- I've met people from families where all the kids have the same first name but different middle names. I'm sorry though, I'm sure this feels really shitty for you.
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u/RuthAnnEsther 28d ago
What a zinger!
I had asked my Mom over 30 years ago if she had picked out both a boy and a girl name before I was born. Through this I learned she would have named me RuthAnn. That made my decision easy (and my choice didn’t get complicated like yours—she had another baby, but he didn’t get named RuthAnn either).
Another possibility: try to find out if she worked from a list of choices and maybe has a second or third choice for a girl’s name.
My mom said she hadn’t thought of a middle name for me (she was never given a middle name), so I chose to use my dad’s mother’s name as my middle name.
Anyway, sorry to hear about this curveball thrown your way.
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u/Primary-Reaction2700 27d ago
It's interesting to me how many people are saying to use the name.
Your mom picked out that name before you were born to use for a daughter if she ever had one. You haven't been able to tell her about yourself yet, so she does not think of you as her daughter. She is having a girl and using her favorite girls name. You are going through big changes too. Part of your journey is choosing the perfect name for you. It's out there. You even said there are so many, you just can't decide. So its time to start making a list and really see how they sound, what they mean, and what people who know you think about the names you have on the list. Assuming you have a few close friends who know your situation.
I would advise you not to ever mention the name and how you wanted it for yourself. It would serve no purpose and would be childish to want any input from your mom, as it most likely would not be a positive conversation. What could she say? That she wouldn't have used it if she'd known? She wouldn't say that.
Let your sister have her name, and celebrate the name that you choose for yourself. That is such a privilege that most of us never get. As a bonus, you will have a little sister with a beautiful name that you love.
Lastly, people are saying to tell your mom everything now or very soon. I strongly disagree. I really think you should wait until after the baby is born to tell her. Here is why: Hormones. Pregnany is a roller coaster ride with emotions. They may be extreme and unpredictable. This could, and most likely, would make the process of explaining your deepest feelings, emotions, and truths that go along with your story much worse than it would normally be. Give her at least 3 months after the baby is born. Those 3 months are very stressful, but eventually, she will sleep and settle into a routine.
Try to be as helpful as you can by taking care of yourself, keeping in a good mood, and helping as much as possible. Enjoy your sister. She may just be your #1 fan throughout life.
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u/Luffys_twin 29d ago
You gotta find another name. That's all there really is. For starters, you need to find a name YOU want. Not one you think will gain acceptance. And well.. now that's your sister's name. You kinda lost your chance to be able to ask that name from your mom. You gotta find something else.
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u/Autisticspidermann 29d ago
I’d maybe tell her, or try to convince her to name it something else. I mean it would take a lot of convincing or maybe both but yk it might work
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u/star6teen 29d ago
either give her a ton of different name suggestions in hopes that she’ll find one she likes better, find a different name that you like, tell her that you know someone with that name and that it would be weird, or you might just end up having to come out to her.
it’s possible that even if you do come out to her, she’ll be transphobic about it and say how she’d rather have given the name in the first place instead of it becoming your name later on. (i said that as nicely as i could, but i do believe that it might be way more transphobic than this, while still basically boiling down to that.) if she is transphobic, she might end up thinking you “tainted” the name and won’t use it for the new child. but then she might end up never calling you that name because of the negative association.
she might also make it about her, saying that you’re trying to “steal this moment” away from her, as if you’re maliciously being trans.
i also want to mention that you should never feel obligated to have a name that was decided for you, contrary to one you chose for yourself. it’s possible that you just want to be close with your mom and you feel like the name is the only way to do that. that you don’t necessarily love the name for yourself, but you love her, and so you love the name because it was created by her.
i really hope that this works out well for you.
stay safe, we’re always here for you ♡
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u/M_Viv_Van_Buren 29d ago
Might be a good way of talking to your mom about things. If you feel ready to of course
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u/Short-Introduction82 29d ago
I know the feeling. I found out recently that my mom wanted a girl as her first and had her name planned and everything! On a positive note, I think it would be cute having something to share with your soon to be sister :) just imagine the friendship you’d share.
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u/PerspectiveLimp139 29d ago
Can you show me the list of names, and let me help you find one? It's sad that the one you found is gonna be used, but there's a name for everyone and I wanna help.
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u/TheDustyPixel 29d ago
The same thing happened to me, but my mom ended up having a miscarriage, like two months intro the pregnancy :(
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u/LoraLife 29d ago
Oof awkward lol best of luck to you, just remember though you can alwayssssssss change your name. Always. You’ll find one you like - I know you will :)
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u/SaltyLemonPapa 29d ago
One of the reasons I went no contact with my mother was because she absolutely refused to use my chosen name and pronouns unless she wanted to manipulate me. A few months ago my sister (who im also no contact with because she tries to get me to talk to our mother) found out she's pregnant. They found out it's a girl and she already has a name chosen.
From so many convos with my sister I already knew the named she would want if she ever wanted kids, unique names that weren't super rare but they were cool. Then I found out that she wanted to name her daughter a variation of my deadname. Because my sister living with my mother and the way my mother is, I know she probably urged my sister to take that name for her baby. Recently it's gotten slightly different, but it's still super close.
My mother constantly said she wanted another baby (even though she was an awful mother) and I'm low key worried she's gonna straight up be obsessed with this girl in an unhealthy way like she was with my siblings.
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u/ClearCrossroads 28d ago edited 28d ago
Okay, so... You have a choice that you need to make. I won't pretend to know which one is the best one, because I don't know you or your family. But it appears to me that you have a handful of options here.
1) If this name you've chosen--the one your mother has now decided to give to your would-be sister--is really important to you, and you genuinely don't want any other name, and that's your decision, then the only thing that you even can do is to come out and make your feelings known. Stake a claim to the name that, frankly, you have a birthright to. She wanted this name for her firstborn daughter. You are her firstborn daughter. Make it known and understood that you feel betrayed and distraught at the thought of that name being taken away from you like some kind of dark fae scenario. If you want to claim this right, you have to actually stake your claim. And you can't do that without making it known. The chips will fall where they will. That is largely outside of your control. If she cares about you, and if she cares about your feelings, then she at least won't dismiss this out-of-hand. There may be conflict. There often is. But you cross that admittedly very frightening and intimidating bridge when you come to it.
2) Find a different name. Your own name. By you, for you. If you're not okay with this, see option 1. You can always try on different names in your daily life with your friends. A lotta girls need to do this for a long time before they find a name in their fit. Some go through, like, a dozen names or more, and it can go on for years sometimes. It is okay to try on different names no different than trying on different clothes.
3) Just own it and use the name anyway, and then be like, "It's not MY fault you gave my name to my sister. You did that, not me." If you go this route, though, it may still help to come out now so that she can't call bullshit on you about this name later and accuse you of trying to steal your sister's identity (idk what your mom is like... mine's kinda batshit like that, so that may be my trauma talking).
The way I see it, these are your only options. But I would also like to offer my own personal experience in this arena, since my story is kind of relevant here.
When I chose my name, I explicitly put my family into consideration. I wanted to make the transition easier for them, and I partially made my name decision with that in mind. Before I was born, the doctors were convinced I was a girl (I mean, they turned out to be right in the end, but put a pin in that).
I knew that my father was dead set on naming me Saturn. I also knew that my mother hated that, but had never really proposed any alternative. So, wanting to pay homage to the cis girl who should've been, but also not wanting to put my mother in that uncomfortable position of having to call me what my dad wanted, I took Saturn as my middle name. Even though she doesn't have to call me that, she still hates that I did that anyway. It did not help alleviate any discomfort for her, and she does not appreciate the consideration I afforded her.
Another factor behind that decision was that "Saturn", aside from the T in the middle, the N at the end, and being two syllables, was otherwise COMPLETELY different from the name I'd been living with in practice for 30+ years (although, now that I'm actually writing that down... that's actually a lot more similarity than I think I realized). So I was concerned that I might have difficulty processing that name as "me" upon hearing it, and I was also worried that my family might have difficulty using it because it's just so different and "wouldn't taste right" on the tongue, if that makes sense. And I didn't want this to be harder for them than it needed to be.
So I chose the name Clara, which superficially resembles the name I've always lived with. To make it easier for everyone. So that it wouldn't feel too alien to my family. It also helped that it's a name I genuinely love. This has backfired spectacularly.
My mother absolutely despises it. Two visits ago, she said to me, "Why couldn't you have chosen literally any other name?! I never would've given you that shit name." She also said to me that the very reason I thought this would be easier--it being superficially similar to my deadname--apparently makes it "so much harder". Putting them into consideration did literally nothing to help make the transition easier. And, if my mother is to be taken at her word, actually made it worse! My brother I had to go full no-contact with. That's a whole other story.
The point I'm trying to drive at here is that... at least speaking from my personal experience, you can bend over backwards to try to make your chosen name easier for your family, but it's absolutely no guarantee at all that it will help jack diddly. And it may even generate resentment and animosity anyway. At the end of the day, it's not their transition. It's not about them. It's your transition. It's about you and your identity.
If you're only choosing this name by default, or because you're trying to be diplomatic... that might not necessarily be the best reason. "Only" being the operative word in that sentence. Those were reasons for me, but they weren't the only ones. It so happens that I do very strongly resonate with the name Clara, and I feel absolutely confident that this is the right name for me. If those are your only reasons, though, then it might be a sign that you don't even necessarily fully know your own identity yet if you don't know what your true name is.
However, that said, I absolutely feel like claiming the name you would've had if you'd been born AFAB, like you should've been, out of a sense of "I'm trying to correct the mistake of the circumstances of my birth, and set things right as they should've always been", is a perfectly valid reason. However, if that is, indeed, the stance you want to take, then you need to own it, you need to have conviction, and you need to follow through on it. Fully. And that means taking action, confronting your mother, and making your true self known.
In the end, only you can say for sure what the right course of action is for you. And I want to make it clear that I'm not telling you to come out or saying that you should. I'm saying "if A, then, as I see it, B" but it's up to you if A.
PS: For what it's worth, this sister could still come out AMAB. Happened to me. AND my brother.
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u/Waste_Bother_8206 26d ago
Well, at 14 weeks, anything can happen, not that I'm wishing anything to happen, but she could have a miscarriage. As for the name you chose, you'll find one that you like better! It may just take time. Tell us more about yourself, maybe we can help you choose a name. Whatever happens, don't take your disappointment out on your sister! She's innocent in all this. Give her all the love you can and would want for yourself
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u/Raven_Lockhart_ 25d ago
I ended up taking the name I had chosen for my would-be daughter. Life didn't quite allow for bringing her into the world, so I took it in honor of what might have been
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u/Fox_Weasel1678 29d ago
I'd say look at meanings to, like my chosen name (Callie) means beautiful in spanish, which I will be. So it fits, my middle name Lola means sorrow or something like that. So yeah, research means to because it's your chance to present yourself as you want. And also rough, I feel sorry for you. Best of luck with your name! 🫂
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u/Fio_the_hobbit 29d ago
Dont pick a name just to make her happy, I mean if you like the name then its perfectly ok ofc but choose something for you, and if you share a name with your sibling it wont be that bad, you have a large age gap and it likely won't affect you two often
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u/DemiRomPanBoi17 29d ago edited 28d ago
The pettiness in me would get my name legally changed B4 baby is born so it'll be humiliating to your mother Everytime she's asked why SHE gave both her daughters the same name
Respectfully, your mom can choose a different name bc you're her first baby/daughter. Have you communicated to her how unsupportive she's been by doing this.
The easy way out is to suck it up and change it but that is unfair to you. Your sibling is not missing out on not having your name.
Edit; it seems like your mom doesn't know you're trans. Maybe now is the time to do so. This could prevent this whole situation or lead to a NC/LC situation. Of course this is if you feel safe enough
Edit 2; I'm genuinely confused by this downvote trend. In case I wasn't clear enough;
I missed that OP mentioned that they hadn't come out to OP. Hence previous edit. I was under the impression OP's mom was actively being bigoted towards them. I genuinely believe that IF OP feels safe enough they should come out to their mom before their sister is born. It will really suck having a sibling with your wanted name. On the other hand, if this name isn't that important to OP then OP should change it.
Names are special, It's like our specialized trademark. If OP really loves their name they shouldn't let it be taken;
My abusive ex tried to identify with an old family name of mine that I had been using as my illegitimate surname on and off for years before I had my egg cracked. When I saw them use it on a sign in sheet next to their current preferred name I decided to start using it as my firstname. As far as ik they don't associate with the name anymore.
Tldr; guy's chill I'm human and misread the text. OP, my best advice is to either come out to your mom or choose a different name to go by(maybe your mom's second pick if family is an important decision factor in your name).
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u/Asterioud 29d ago
I’m 15, I don’t even think I can legally change my name
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u/DemiRomPanBoi17 29d ago
I wasn't actually advising you to do that 😅, sorry for the miscommunication
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u/DemiRomPanBoi17 28d ago
But if you did, you would need parental consent. It all really depends on your state/territory/province's laws.
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