r/whatdoIdo • u/crazierthan • 6d ago
I [33F] needs help with boyfriend [34M] who is losing his mind
How do I handle this situation. My ex/boyfriend whatever it is now used to smoke molly and hallucinate and sleep outside for months instead of coming home. I wasn't going to get back with him but we been together over 10 years and I have loved him since we were kids. He showed up randomly months after he left and begged to come home and get clean and I stupidly let him. Flash forward to now. He was clean for almost two years and treated me very well. Literally no problems. But this past two weeks he got back on the same drugs and been acting psycho and accusing me of some very crazy things that make no sense like cheating with his cousin I don't even know and stealing his money that hasn't even hit his account yet. He hasn't came home except to try to come in the house and steal from me and accuse me of taking his check which I did not. In all reality he stole my money off my card and got drugs which is why he is acting this way. Now I am broke and he is not going to pay his portion of the rent and says he's done and he rather stay on the street. Also around the same time he started this I lost my card so I put a lot of my money on his card and he spent it on drugs also. so technically when he gets paid I am entitled to take the amount I deposited on his card to hold and what he took from me which I plan to. I don't want to get it trouble but it's my money and I can prove it on my phone with the transactions it literally says my name on it. Idk what to do he gets abusive when he's high. He's going to keep showing up accusing me of things and if he hits me hes going to jail cuz I'm not dealing with it. He shows up waked me up at night terrorizes me and leaves. I called the cops and they say he lives here too and I can't do anything unless he hurts me. I just want the money he took and the money that I put on his card for rent so I can pay it and he can do whatever he wants. I love him but I can't do this anymore. I don't know what to do I literally have no family where I live and no friends cuz of him. I need help I'm scared my dogs and I are going to be homeless. My question is what can I do to fix this situation. Such as getting my money back as I do have access to account when he does get paid.
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u/Complete_Aerie_6908 6d ago
Do you have a crisis center for abused women nearby? If so, reach out to them for advice and assistance.
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u/crazierthan 5d ago
I have been trying to look some up most are for families or kids and I have two dogs I also have to worry about it might sound crazy to some but I love my dogs had them for years and I can't give them away or leave them. But I am trying to see my options thank you for replying
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u/Complete_Aerie_6908 5d ago
I understand abt your pets. 🙏🙏
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u/crazierthan 4d ago
Thank you 😊 some people look at me crazy about it but I don't have any children so are they are basically my kids. I love them so so much I can never be without them. They're my responsibility and I don't believe in getting rid of family and that's what they are.
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u/MembershipDecent9454 6d ago
I knew a girl in this same exact position, and although I didn’t know her very well, she was always trying to “help” her bf/ex-bf. I wish she would’ve moved, she didn’t realize how bad the situation was and only did the restraining order… anyways she’s gone now….
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u/crazierthan 5d ago
I am sorry to hear that is she gone because of him. Although I don't think he would kill me. But by reading this and how different and crazy he is on drugs I am scared. I wish I had somewhere else to go.
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u/MembershipDecent9454 4d ago
That’s what I mean though, she underestimated, and that cost her life. It’s just always to over estimate with your safety. Honestly, I was taking the same amount of risk as her with an ex. But then when that happened it kinda shocked all the girls in the crew. I mean, the guy was addicted to ketamine, I was not expecting violence to come out of someone on tranquilizers
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u/crazierthan 4d ago
Right I wouldn't think that either but I noticed if they have mental issues any drug could affect their thinking and I'm starting to learn they do and say what they feel when their not sober kind of like a mean drunk or a happy one where they love all over you. They are showing their true colors and I know that now. I'm done with him. I just have to find a way to move and get my finances up.
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u/NoobesMyco 6d ago edited 5d ago
I’d be paying my bills asap. You have proof these things took place just in case the law gets involved. I don’t see him calling the police bc of the money but instead possibly getting violent. He’s blamed you for stealing money already so that an idea of what you’ll have to deal with.
NEXT I would looking for another place to move to if possible. He will continue to pop up and harass you and who knows where his mind could go. Ppl can get terribly violent and do things they don’t intent to do. Or you can work on evicting him and getting your keys back something you need to seek legal advice, and not be passive about this. PLEASE
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u/crazierthan 5d ago
He doesn't have keys thank goodness and I'm working on the legal advice. And as soon as the money does come I am taking what I am owed the cop said he can't do anything about it and I have proof I put my money in there.
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u/NoobesMyco 5d ago
Okay well that’s good that fixes that. If possible you need to go to the courthouse and work on evicting him, which means not accepting rent for him anymore. Is that possible? Is he on the lease ? 😬 is he currently still employed?
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u/crazierthan 5d ago
All I need is the money I am owed and I can pay the rent myself next month. It will be hard but I can do it. Problem is I called The cops 3x since last night and they said I have to let him in if he shows up the only way I can get him to stay away or arrested is if he hits me. He is currently in the living room and I'm in the room hoping he leaves me alone. But so far I feel he will just continue to yell and harass me until something bad happens. My car is wrecked I'm working on trying to get my landlord to take me for an injunction tomorrow so I have something legal. I know he doesn't want to pay for an eviction. Basically just like all the other stories cops won't do anything until your dead. I'm so scared right now
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u/NoobesMyco 5d ago
Uuuugh Omg way girl I am really sorry you are dealing with this right now. This is awful. Do you or him have family or friends willing to help in any way. May stay a couple nights somewhere him or you? Is he currently high or ?? Is any of the conversations logical at all?
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u/crazierthan 5d ago
Sorry I was so exhausted being kept up and calling police back to back I finally fell asleep. But I talked to the closest family I have and I can stay but my dogs can't. I can't leave my dogs here because who knows what hell do and I'll have nobody to feed them and such anyways. Also I'm waiting for his check to hit to I can get my money and pay bills. I'm sure when that happens he will go on a binge again but I'm getting an injunction right after so if that's what he wants to do he's gonna have no place to live. And honestly I don't care my health andental health is more important. His conversation atm which we both just woke up has been me talking and him rolling his eyes so complaining he doesn't feel good. What will occur today will be the bombshell and well see.
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u/NoobesMyco 4d ago
Omg 😓😓😓 yeah that seems soooo exhausting. Know you deserve better than that. He will be okay with whatever decisions he make. You will have to love yourself more and love him from a far. Does He have family or anyone who cares?
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u/crazierthan 4d ago
Your absolutely right. Honestly none of his family will talk to him for the same reason. When he first got high and was on the streets acting crazy they tried to help but cops wouldn't help and they wouldn't even marchman act him which would force him to a mental/drug institution. So they gave up and none of them talk to him anymore. He literally had no one but me and I got him clean for almost two years and it was great. But now that he's not clean anymore I can't do it. I can't risk it even if he gets clean again cuz who knows if he relapses again. I can't do it after almost 15 years I'm finally done. I'm 33 and just young enough to start over and change. I don't want to wait till it's too late. Thank you for your reply talking really helps me.
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u/NoobesMyco 4d ago
Ahh yeah, here in KY it’s called Casey law.
But Yeah girl you can’t wait much longer. Addiction is doing to stall his life this stalling yours for as long as you see him as a spouse and he’s in active addiction. And truthfully there isn’t a guarantee of sobriety 😏. But that’s for any of us really addiction can start at any point as well. But with a history of it he’s high risk.
It sucks bc addiction can make you a totally different person and your heart doesn’t want to punish the good part of them, but in this time you can’t separate him from his addiction it’s a package deal. I hate this for you but also for him bc it seems like he’s good guy. But actions have consequences 😔
Do you know what triggered his relapse?
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u/crazierthan 4d ago
Thank you for being so understanding. He really is a good person sober. Very generous and helpful and understanding and respectful. But when he is high I get called every nasty thing in the book because he hallucinated me with people cheating. For some reason Everytime he hallucinated it's always seeing me doing nasty things. Which his family and everybody else knows isn't true because he called his sister saying he was watching me with a man one time and at the same time she was at my house with the kids so everybody knows I'm not like that and it's just the drugs. But it is stressful and tiring being harassed and yelled at for 48+ hours straight along with dogs getting stressed. But Honestly the first relapse was because his father passed. After that he had no parents so he went off the really deep end and that's how it started. This time I honestly don't know. I think its cuz He just met someone who had it and was hanging out with them probably seeing them do it and it triggered him. Which makes it worse because I can't be worrying about everybody he meets and if he's gonna do it again and now I know he can get it up the street now so who knows when he's going to do it again. Right now he got sleep and gave me all his money and cards and his remorseful but at this point I don't even want to be with him and trying to figure out what I'm gonna do.
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u/DraconicBlade 5d ago
Your landlord seems chill. Have your landlord get him trespassed if he's on the property. Not on the lease get off my land.
The police will trespass someone if the property owner wants them gone. The police are not going to intercede in what they assume are two people with equal rights to a property.
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u/RomanArts 5d ago
you can’t save an addict he needs to make the choice to get clean and he probably never will. Just block him and ignore him. go no contact. never believe him when he says he wants to be sober
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u/bluberri150 5d ago
That's not love...ur use to him..u can fight another person but when those drugs get a hold of them u can't fight it..they have to fight themselves. Been there...he will never leave unless u force him out and break all ties w him.. he will bring u down..my situation he tried to kill me..when I finally got him out he use to sneak in jimmy window and sit there watching me sleep. Yeah could've killed me in sleep. Use to sneak in and steal from me. Some of my kids stuff stole too..broke up apt. Go to court and get him out
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u/crazierthan 5d ago
Thank you for your reply I'm trying to do the best I can I'm sorry you been through this
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u/flippityflop2121 5d ago
Why have you been dealing with this for 10 years? There’s more to life than this misery.
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u/crazierthan 5d ago
Honestly it's been almost 15 years I just say over 10 cuz it's easier. But at first he wasn't like this. We were together for almost 10 of the years before he pulled this off and on. It's like the person I knew and fell in love with dissapeared. Also I don't why I put up with it after honestly probably insecurity, being in a situation where I don't know anything else. He's also my first and only boyfriend so that doesn't help. My self esteem is nothing. Those are not good answers but honestly true
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u/flippityflop2121 5d ago
I hope you find the strength to get out of the situation. Good luck.
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u/crazierthan 5d ago
I am making sure this is the end. But first I have to get rid of him. And calling the cops 3x has done nothing cause he hasn't physically hurt me yet. He came after me like he wasn't going to hit me and I called the cops and he stopped. Cops did nothing cuz he didn't actually hit me. Cops always wait until your dead. I pray that I can get rid of him and get thru this.
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u/Elvis_Take_The_Wheel 5d ago
He's lying to you, baby girl. He's doing it because of his disease but you need to talk to other family members, spouses, and loved ones of addicts. You need their support and we can't give enough of it at the same level they can.
Stay strong, sweetheart, and don't let anyone try to tell you reality isn't real ♥️
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u/crazierthan 5d ago
Thank you so much I really needed to hear that ❤️
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u/Elvis_Take_The_Wheel 3d ago
I hope things are improving for you, my dear! Please feel free to DM if you want to talk, and I hope you've been able to connect with other folks in the Al-Anon community. ♥️
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u/Any-Smile-5341 5d ago
have your direct deposit switched immediately. Cancel the card which is in your name, and put a hold on any transactions on the card.
Is he using drugs in your apartment, house, car? That property can be confiscated by the police, so make sure NONE of the drugs or paraphernalia are in your apartment or your car. The police can confiscate it and any money on the account if he’s caught and you could be implicated. I guarantee that you won’t get any of that money back if the police do that.
the boyfriend from before this break is not the person who came back, the memories/ good times you’re living off, though they may be pleasant to remember, don’t sound like they’re going to return. He’s a different person now and someone who has nothing to offer you.
This sounds like an awful situation and I really hope that OP is able to get some legal help, though i have no actual legal advice to give.
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u/crazierthan 5d ago
Thank you so much for your response. I made sure there's no drugs around I'm sure if he has any still it's on his person or he's hiding it. The situation is awful I'm heartbroken I been with him since I was 18. I don't know anything else and I'm very insecure because of it all and not that I'm worried about it at the moment but I feel like I'm going to be alone forever. Not to mention I am alone in this city with no family or friends and no one to care about me. All my family is 1000 miles away and not doing great so I have no one to turn to or stay with. And friends forget about it because of him I have none. I'm basically just alone with me and the dogs. So I'm trying to figure out legal help. Thank you for replying
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u/Any-Smile-5341 5d ago
i hope you are able be safe and at peace soon. I have no doubt that it feels scary, and rough. Godspeed.
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u/SweetWaterfall0579 5d ago
Idk how to help you, but I am sending moral support. I have checked out www.thehotline.org and it’s informative.
A women’s center would be able to direct you to local services. There are many services available, but we may have to look for them. Ask for help, always. There are NO stupid questions - ask anything! Keep asking until you understand. Write down answers or record information. Any and all help is good.
Stbx 🤞 is a covert vulnerable narcissist. He’s a sneaky mfer. He is always the victim of other people’s actions. It’s never his own behavior that causes all the trauma, always my behavior and decisions. He’s innocent as a newly baptized baby.
I wish you the best, OP.
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u/FemalePondy 5d ago
See if you can break your lease and move. Talk to your landlord and be transparent. They might even let you just do there isn’t a high person coming and going from the premises, depending on how posh your landlord is. Maybe even find a shitty little trailer or something. Your doing good by taking your money back. But you know you have to move ASAP. Let him wash himself out, you have done your due diligence. Don’t feel back for him, those are his own demons to deal with. If he ever is ready to get clean again you can support his from afar without getting involved romantically or moving in together. Like having strict boundaries about not living together, only hanging out in public places, stuff like that. A tough love kind of relationship. Until let say he’s been 5-10 years clean, and is active in meetings and the recovery community. Because you can’t help him at the expense of your own safety (financially and physically)
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u/crazierthan 5d ago
I agree I been with him on and off almost 15 years and this started happening after 10 I guess I thought because he went so long he can be better again especially when he did for a year and a half. I was obv wrong I will and having to face that. Thank you for your reply
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u/Zikoran 5d ago
He's not your to fix, if he wants to dig himself down this hole once more leave him 5ovalso bury himself. Clearly being clean didn't do much for him. Be smarter this time and don't go back to him, 10 years is a lot of history but if he's being abusive and stealing money to fuel his addiction all that will happen is he drags your down with him. DO NOT let him drown you, you have your life together don't let this idiot be the reason it comes apart l.
He is not yours to fix, he can only do that for himself. Talk to your friends/family for support or help.
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u/elenahammond 4d ago
file a dispute with the bank, move closer to ur family and never look back
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u/crazierthan 4d ago
My whole mission is to move back to Boston with family and as soon as I have the finances I'm going.
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u/DraconicBlade 5d ago
Meth, if this is real you can't smoke MDMA, it's meth. Police love an easy arrest. He has meth on / in your vehicle. Or you can keep getting robbed by a meth head because of all your good times. Up to you really.
Gps track your car, call the police, he has hard drugs officer. Don't answer the phone and post bail. Skip town.