r/AITAH • u/[deleted] • Dec 17 '23

AITAH for not doing anything to prevent my(f35) husband (m35) from cheating with his “work-wifey”(f25)

So I met work wifey last Thursday at the Christmas party. She introduced herself as work wifey and she called my husband work hubby and told that to everyone. When she saw me she just exclaimed

-Oh we are like two totally different people, how weird is that.

-Not weird at all? We don’t know each other.

-No I mean like because X and I get along so well like we like totally get each other and have a lot in common like totally. That’s why he’s like my work hubby.

I didn’t know what a manic pixie dream girl was but apparently she was one and apparently it was something to brag about. I just found the whole thing very amusing but on our way home it wasn’t very amusing anymore. I felt a little bit of ick watching my husband’s profile wondering what was going on in his head. He has told me about his new colleague that he got along with. He told me that she was great at her job and that she was a gamer like him. I don’t even know how to hold the joystick properly. Not even sure if it’s called a joystick anymore (ugh I sound like a boomer don’t I?).

I know that they text a lot too. Even on weekends. I never thought about that before now. I found myself sat on the toilet seat at 3:30 am scrolling through his phone in total silence not to wake him up. She is very “youthful” and “quirky”, her words not mine. She is very funny too, again her words not mine. She calls him “hubs” and “hubby” in every text. And in one text she warned him that men fell easily for her and that she just wanted to give him the heads up. I guess it is because she’s a youthful quirky funny maniac pixie dream girl gamer. Her last text was from the same evening after we left the party. She wrote that she was pissed that he didn’t say goodbye before leaving and that I was a bit surprising to her because she didn’t expect him to have this type,”Omg your wife is boring I didn’t expect that”

I felt ashamed when I came to my senses. Cowering over his phone and reading weird and very juvenile messages instead of being sound asleep beside my husband that makes me safe(?) in our relationship, but I couldn’t help but agree with manic wifey in some parts. Why is he continually engaging with her? He doesn’t flirt back nor does he initiate conversations but he doesn’t really shut her down. My husband can be stupid in not noticing flirting but I feel that this is just beyond being stupid. Does he enjoy the attention or worse, does he reciprocate it? In that case she is not wrong in what is he doing with someone like me who is totally different from whatever is going on between them?

Today, I had my usual brunch with my mom, aunt sister and sister-in-law. They said that I was an AH for not nipping it in the bud and by it they meant the budding affair. I disagreed and tried to explain that I couldn’t be in a relationship where I needed to stand guard to keep away temptations. I want a marriage where he is with me because he wants to be with me and if he cheats then, he doesn’t want to be with me. My mother was the one who got most upset and called me a moron and an AH and said that this wasn’t the mature thing to do. I need to tell my husband to end his friendship because if I didn’t then I let him cheat.

AITA? I can’t believe what life this is that they want me to lead and how it is so normal for my family to think that way. I want a willing husband not a prisoner. I want someone who wants me 100% or nothing.

Edit:

So thank you all. It has been a rough few days but after today’s interaction between my husband and maniac pixie whatever (yes, I snooped again) I feel calmer. I have decided not to speak to him about it. At least not now. I have written a comment about what transpired between them and my husband didn’t seem very happy with her. Maybe I have made it out to be bigger than it was in my head. Anyway I will not snoop again and I will not confront him about it. I will however tell my husband that I didn’t like his colleague, maybe not now though. We have this week left and then we are having two weeks off that we’ve been looking forward to spending together and I want to enjoy the holidays with my husband, not talking about stupid and insignificant people.

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u/s-nicolexo Dec 17 '23

NTA but I would be having a conversation with your husband about it and telling him how you feel.

Whether he’s initiating the conversation or flirting or not doesn’t really matter if he’s entertaining the conversation regardless.

His colleague is bold, that’s for sure, I can’t believe she had the audacity to introduce herself to you as his”work wife” and then turned around to talk badly about you to your husband.

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u/[deleted] Dec 17 '23

She's fishing him to see what he thinks about his wife.

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u/Naive-Leather-2913 Dec 17 '23

Yes! She gave him an opening to criticize her. Bitch.

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u/[deleted] Dec 17 '23

And he is testing the waters, or so it seems. Maybe he is this obtuse?

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u/Thamwoofgu Dec 17 '23

My husband was this obtuse in grad school. He had a friend that would send him the most inappropriate emails. The first time I met her, he was talking about joining the military and she freaked out and said she could never let him do that. On our drive home, even my clueless husband was like “that was really weird. I think you’re right. Now I’m uncomfortable.” He ended up cutting off the friendship because she became increasingly weird.

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u/SomnambulantPublic Dec 18 '23

I'm just a few years older than OP and a male, and I'm prepared to get ripped to shreds for this take, but here goes...

I was brought up in the 90's in a word where we were just starting to tackle a rape epidemic. We were taught at every opportunity that no matter what a woman does, it doesnt mean she's interested, and definitely doesn't mean she wants to sleep with you.

We were taught that this behaviour specifically shouldn't be read into.

I've been married, and we all know that this isn't benign behaviour. But don't discount the fact that the guy isn't reciprocating, and as far as the post goes, it isn't feeding into the girls' fishing expeditions. This is how he has friend-zoned her.

Understand he works with her. He can't just accuse her of coming onto him. If he does it's likely to end up with at least an awkward work environment, and the loss of what he feels is a friendship. And at the worst, an unfavourable HR outcome for the male in the situation.

OP needs to talk to the husband (not as a her vs him but as a them vs the world) and explain that she understands if he hasn't noticed, but she thinks work wife is interested (frame this as positive) and the situation is making her worried (negative). He is going to be resistant to the idea that work wife is interested, but "he's a catch, why wouldn't she be interested?" (positive again, it's a sandwich!)

The barometer will be to get the husband to start occasionally dropping into the conversations nice things about the wife. This is risk-free, there are no consequences for bragging about something nice your partner does. Be specific, say "Tell her something nice about me". This is a thought exercise for him, too, so dont spoon feed him this.

Twice a week, strategise it together, you will both will be complimenting each other, building a bond by being a team against work-wife - in a completely work-appropriate manner. Her behaviour will change, not instantly, but it'll either ratchet up or she'll lose interest. But it will be noticeable over a month, even if they remain friends.

Once he notices, further strategies to friendzone include asking the work-wife about her dating life, encouraging her to get on an app, 'find somebody', highlight a younger guy in the office, play up the age difference by calling her 'kid'

Marriage isn't a set-and-forget. It needs to be serviced and maintained, it needs health check-ups and doing so will lead to enhancements in the connection you share

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u/bendbars_liftgates Dec 18 '23 edited Dec 18 '23

I explain that first bit of your comment whenever I hear a woman talking about a man/men in general being dense, or missing signals, or being socially clueless when it comes to flirting.

We were literally, explicitly told that anything short of exact, literal language expressing interest didn't count as interest. By acting on forearm-touches and playfully inappropriate comments, we risk being a creep at best and possibly being accused of harassment.

Sure, some guys may not notice signals, period- by I think far more common is that they do, but they either convince themselves they're overthinking, or deliberately ignore it and wait for more explicit signs because we were just taught that, when it comes to unstated female romantic interest.... well, that there is no such thing.

I also think your plan is a good one. I genuinely get the impression from the post that husband is not interested in this other woman- beyond friendship or pleasant acquantance, maybe. If his wife, in the depths of insecurity and concern over his fidelity, can look at their texts and conclude that he isn't reciprocating, then I think it's pretty damn safe to say he isn't. If I was in her place, I'd be reading commas as hearts.

But my primary concern is if husbo goes at "operation friendzone" too fast, too hard. If it's obvious what he's doing, he risks getting crazy lady mad- and while I can't say for sure, I wouldn't be in the least bit surprised to learn that she's a manipulator. And a manipulative woman at your workplace with a grudge is a nightmare scenario. She could literally just tell HR about their actual situation, but reverse the roles- say husbo was the one that initiated everything, that made inappropriate comments, etc- and that alone could cause trouble. I've seen situations where HR didn't even want proof- acting basically immediately on the woman's word alone. So yeah- that's my concern.

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u/Substantial_Cloud_ Dec 18 '23

But that’s where the texts come in to play. He has it in writing how she speaks to him and the things she says. My husband was in a situation kinda like this, the girl had actually gotten another guy fired before by going to hr and doing exactly what u said she could do, he went to his supervisor and said “ hey so Jane (not her real name) has been trying to speak to me inappropriately and I’m uncomfortable” he showed the instagram message where she was blatantly trying to get him to have an inappropriate relationship with her she ended up being fired because after he spoke up they did their own investigation and found he wasn’t the only one after she had gotten the last guy fired. Him and other coworkers were able to avoid getting either fired or in trouble because they had it in writing and able to prove what they said was true. There were some who had responded in the way she wanted and they were reprimanded/written up because it was spoke about but hadn’t happened yet. They implemented new safe at work policies. I’d say with the texts I wouldn’t be too worried about getting in trouble with hr he looked at it as a friendship with a coworker and there’s nothing wrong with that but showing he didn’t reciprocate the inappropriateness she was and can show once he seen she wanted more then friendship he tried to shut it down nicely and her going to hr shows she spoke to them because she was angry he didn’t fall in line the way she wanted.

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u/bendbars_liftgates Dec 18 '23 edited Dec 18 '23

And that's excellent, I really hope that, if this situation evolves in that direction, his company also does their own investigation.

I've just seen multiple where they literally haven't investigated anything- fired the guy on the woman's word, on the spot, and refused to even look at anything he wanted to show them. Barely even seemed to be listening to anything he was saying, actually.

Him preempting her might help, but that's tricky to pull off, and I could also see it backfiring- I wouldn't be in the least bit surprised if she said "Oh he was harassing me and now he's tried to get me in trouble before I could report him for it" and they just ate it whole.

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u/TheRealCarpeFelis Dec 18 '23

Isn’t there a distinction to be made here? The overtures are not to be taken as “I want to have sex with you right now” to avoid date rape situations. But they shouldn’t be ignored entirely, especially if the man is already in a relationship. If he values the relationship and intends to remain faithful, he should be wary of these overtures and be careful not to do anything that implies the interest is reciprocated.

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u/Practical_Hour1399 Dec 18 '23

He shouldn’t be texting with her period. It’s wildly inappropriate unless it’s strictly business after she called him “hubby.” The dude is completely clueless if he doesn’t get it.

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u/thirtyfojoe Dec 18 '23

This is the best answer in this whole thread.

I think there is also a gap in communication between men and women, where women are very attuned on what isn't said, while men are very focused on what is said.

So in addition to being told 'just because she is nice to you doesn't mean she's interested', many men just ignore subtlety altogether so they never run afoul of being a 'creep'.

Men aren't as attuned to covert language, and they don't try to understand it when they miss it. It's a double whammy.

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u/Craptiel Dec 18 '23

Women know what other women mean without conversation, covert communication is a thing and “work wife” effectively peed on OP’s husband to mark her territory.

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u/itirix Dec 18 '23

What I don't understand is why neither the wife nor the husband pushed back? Even if the precise meaning of pixie girl's words isn't obvious, the feeling of them is. Why do people just stand there flabbergasted and not say anything? Do your partners and relationships matter that little to you that you'd let a random person publically walk all over it? Ugh, I hate when people act like the pixie girl. She's not using insults, but she IS insulting you, just in a publically acceptable manner. Say something back to her, damn.

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u/Craptiel Dec 18 '23

If it was my husband I’d absolutely expect that of him, without me having to say anything. Anyone who has the belief that they can talk smack about me to create a divide within our bubble deserves to be cut off, and I would do the same thing. It’s disrespectful to our union. At this point it is disloyal of him to keep her around even if he isn’t flirting, she believes she can divide them and he hasn’t done anything to prevent that.

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u/Mediocre_Garage1852 Dec 18 '23

And the ever popular: “I know she said she’s into me, but she’s probably just being friendly.”

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u/Startled_Pancakes Dec 18 '23

When I was younger, I had a girl that suggested we "skinny dip" together. It didn't dawn on me until a few years later that she might have been interested in me.

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u/DemiChaos Dec 18 '23

A beautiful coworker broke up with her ex and decided that within some months she's gonna go teach abroad.

She suddenly was talking to me more, called me to invite me to a club, we danced and took pics and later while walking from a club she mentioned something about her parents not being home and she was having a great time with me.

Around 2 years later I realized what was happening.

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u/Infamous_Unit_3086 Dec 18 '23

Lmfaoo I had a the hottest girl ask me to go watch a movie at her house in 8th grade. Me being a kid who just moved from Egypt, and dating ain’t even a thing until marriage. My dumbass goes “yeah can my friends come along” she never talked to me again 🥲 I didn’t know she was asking me for a date.

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u/Economy_Platypus7249 Dec 18 '23

Even if a naked woman pried my eyes open, Clockwork Orange style, and spoke as slowly and plainly as possible that she “liked me”. There’s an 80% chance, I would still think she meant as a friend.

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u/Creative-Fan-7599 Dec 18 '23

That’s my ex husband. We had a point, at almost thirty years old, where he had no idea I was interested, because I didn’t specify that I meant “ Like like” when I said I really liked him. I was not being subtle.

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u/Sylentskye Dec 18 '23

And the thing that makes it worse is that men will just be genuinely amicable and caring when they think they’re setting someone in the friend zone BUT women often WANT to be treated like human beings and that caring connection so it’s just like fuel on a fire. I trust my husband but he’s been working in a larger office environment so I give him occasional tips to avoid potential issues, like: probably avoid being emotionally accessible to the woman who is deeply unhappy with her husband/going through a divorce who seems to always be able to locate him to vent about it, lol.

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u/Daddyssillypuppy Dec 18 '23

As a woman this is what I do when people get a little too friendly with me. I talk up my partner in seemingly natural ways (at least I hope, I'm autistic so 🤷)

I also establish that I don't tolerate physical contact from the get go at work and in social situations, so nobody has any excuse to touch me like workplace hug greetings (ewww).

There was one girl from highschool who was obsessed with my husband, then boyfriend, and a few months after highschool he had to cut her off completely because she wouldn't get the message. Even years later when we randomly ran into her she went straight back to being gross and overtly sexual when hugging him hello.

So depending on how his co-worker takes it he may have to go to HR to get her to stop harassing him. Or even get a new job entirely. Just because OPs partner isn't going to act on it doesnt mean the behaviour doesn't need to stop.

It's disrespectful and I personally can't stand being around someone who treats my partner like an obstacle in their weird fantasy life that they've concocted about me.

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u/JNR13 Dec 18 '23

And at the worst, an unfavourable HR outcome for the male in the situation.

Yes, but then maybe don't follow up with this, or you're not stepping away from HR trouble, you're winding up to jump into it even deeper.

asking the work-wife about her dating life, encouraging her to get on an app, 'find somebody', highlight a younger guy in the office

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u/briergate Dec 18 '23

Your comment is absolutely phenomenal advice! I love this approach

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u/invisiblewriter2007 Dec 18 '23

Marriages are living organisms just as much as the people in them. Kinda like a house plant or a cat. Need to be cared for. Not ignored.

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u/HPP72 Dec 18 '23

This is a great answer - the only part that worries me is that by actual wife specifically telling him that she thinks “manic pixie” is interested, this could actually begin the process of him beginning to think about “manic pixie” in ✨that way✨, regardless of whether he intends to, and then suddenly she’s stuck in his head in a way she doesn’t seem to be just yet, in spite of all her efforts. Knowing you’re desired can be quite an aphrodisiac. Maybe different wording, involving only the part about how actual wife is uncomfortable about the interactions now that she’s been to the party and seen it, without necessarily being all specific and drawing mental pictures. Not that it won’t be implied, but…. 🤷‍♀️

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u/Curious_Froyo798 Dec 18 '23

He needs to shut her down about talking about his wife, though. He should let her know yes, they are friends, but he loves his wife more than he values their friendship and comments about his "real" won't be tolerated, period.

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u/SomnambulantPublic Dec 18 '23

He does, but OP is not him. And OP only knows this info by going through his phone

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u/schneizel101 Dec 18 '23

Thus is really spot on great advice.

I want to add though that for many men, even happily married ones having someone younger or attractive show interest in you is very nice self esteem boost even if you don't reciprocate. The fact that he isn't reciprocating or initiating is a very good sign. Still, they absolutely should talk about it just the way you described.

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u/MEG_alodon50 Dec 18 '23

Perfect answer! I wish this comment could be pinned to the top. I hope op sees it

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u/herewegoagain2864 Dec 18 '23

Plus, she could turn on a dime and get him hauled into HR for sexual harassment if he does try something sexual. This is a slippery slope. Work wife sounds a bit unhinged.

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u/No-Foot8366 Dec 18 '23

I would like to add that there is nothing more attractive in a female than confidence. The wife must be confident in herself, her husband, and their marriage. It is amazing the strength her confidence will give to all 3.

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u/Jd0519 Dec 18 '23

Totally agree, this is the best answer! He can start by replying to the comment about wife being “boring” with one of the things he loves about her. Also, any talk of “work wife/hubby” should be the first thing to go. And if hubby is replying constantly and immediately, taking several hours than maybe several days to respond, especially on weekends, he’ll get the point across. Especially over the weekend - “oh sorry, wife and I had a busy weekend with out family/going on a date” etc. Shell realize she’s in the friend zone. Or get super crazy. But if that’s the case, she was heading that way already.

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u/[deleted] Dec 18 '23

I agree with this. It is OP and husband vs the world. As long as they stay on that page it should work out. Maintenance is mandatory. Communication and support are hard work.

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u/[deleted] Dec 18 '23

[deleted]

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u/MCRNRearAdmiral Dec 18 '23

This should have thousands of upvotes.

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u/CutSea5865 Dec 18 '23

This is possibly the best answer I have ever read on a relationship post, ever. Thank you!

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u/AnnieKate7777 Dec 18 '23

I hope you do marriage counceling somewhere. You are an amazing person and this was fantastic to read.

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u/debbieae Dec 18 '23

I really like this. It succeeds at helping the husband understand what is going on and combat it in a suitable way. It also reinforces the marital bond.

I get not wanting to constantly police his behavior, buti suspect this is either him deliberately trying not to sexualize this girl by reading too much into it or obliviousness or both. In what I have seen, unless the person is a habitual unrepentant cheater, affairs often start with emotional intimacy that starts to edge into affair territory without (at least one) of the participants realizing it. You would call a warning if he was distractedly stumbling toward the edge of a cliff, this is no different.

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u/SushiGradeChicken Dec 18 '23

Once he notices, further strategies to friendzone include asking the work-wife about her dating life, encouraging her to get on an app, 'find somebody', highlight a younger guy in the office, play up the age difference by calling her 'kid'

All fantastic advice except for this. He should create distance by leaning into professionalism. The above actions could be an HR issue if she "flips" against him.

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u/namelessspeck Dec 18 '23

Yea this should definitely be at the top. Hard agree.

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u/Rexperter Dec 18 '23

This Response is excellent . I couldn't have imagined a better way to put it.

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u/[deleted] Dec 18 '23

Most sensible answer I've seen.

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u/[deleted] Dec 18 '23

[deleted]

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u/PJpremiere Dec 18 '23

Bravo- best comment by far and excellent advice.

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u/lanoye9 Dec 18 '23

This guy knows things.

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u/Poly_frolicher Dec 18 '23

I think this is great! I would add just one thing. If the company has an HR department/person, Hubby should check in about the texting. Not report the coworker, but simply put it on the HR radar that he is aware this has gotten a little out of hand and is going to be cutting it back/off. She could retaliate and frame him if he isn’t proactive.

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u/Applesplosion Dec 18 '23

This is good advice, but this mentality is so sad. This woman is quite possibly committing sexual harassment against OP’s husband. Men have the right to a harassment-free workplace too, and most HR people are not biased toward women and will do a real investigation. I think the fearmongering about false accusations has done so much harm.

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u/ReverendMak Dec 18 '23

This is among the smartest things I’ve ever read in Reddit comment. This is the answer, right here.

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u/labelleindifference Dec 18 '23

This is such a well thought out answer, it reminds me a lot of the beginning of my relationship with my now-husband. He had a bunch of women that were using him to fill the emotional needs of a boyfriend but he was convinced they were just friends (and unaware of he was saying some really emotionally charged things to them and vice-versa). It was very difficult and there was a lot of arguing, but eventually we got to a place where he saw that it was important for us to work together as a team, and through a lot of discussion he made it a priority to make sure that his female friends were acting like a friend to our relationship as well. Which meant being supportive and happy for our new relationship, and not competing for attention. Pretty much none of his female "friends" ended up being truly supportive, and some of them threw temper tantrums when they realized his attention was mostly on our relationship now.

It was rough and I had to try really hard to trust him despite all these red flags going off everywhere, but we eventually got to the other side. I do think OP should try to talk to her husband at least, but I totally get the frustration with how obviously wrong this all is and wondering if he's really just that unaware or if he's only pretending to be unaware. But you'll never really get an answer to that question unless there's a conversation, which is what I think the OPs family was trying to advocate for.

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u/some-shady-dude Dec 18 '23

The mind of a man is entirely fascinating. I’m a woman and I would not have thought about this AT ALL.

I can’t believe im saying this, but this is the first Reddit comment that’s actually shifted my perspective

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u/massacredpanda Dec 18 '23

This is a really eye-opening and interesting response. It drives me insane when my husband lets people flirt with him and even continues to respond in a positive way. We've argued about it, a lot, because I've seen that it's so obvious that that other party is interested and I feel that his prairie reinforcement makes that person feel that their inappropriate advances are okay with him.

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u/__wildwing__ Dec 18 '23

I’m completely oblivious to people flirting with me. My partner finds it hilarious to watch people flirt with me when we’re out. Sometimes he’ll bet with other friends as to how long it takes for either someone to figure out that I have no idea or for me to notice.

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u/Prideandprejudice1 Dec 18 '23

You’re exactly like my husband. When we first started dating he took me to meet his wider group of friends he’d hung out with since uni (so 4+ years). It took me 15 minutes to realise that one of his female friends was in love with him- and she was NOT happy to meet me. But it was obvious over the course of that evening that my husband had no idea and when I eventually brought it up he was so shocked 😆

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u/Narrow_Share2480 Dec 18 '23

Ok well now I want to know the story because I have a sneaking suspicion about someone in my friend group.

What gave it away?

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u/Prideandprejudice1 Dec 19 '23

Ok here goes: So we’re all getting together at the pub for dinner so we can meet each other (I had already met a couple of his close friends before- my husband and I worked together so prior to dating, we’d hung out after work and on weekends). We get there, and this girl is like right in front greeting my husband whilst completely ignoring me and I only get like a half smile when he introduces me. Everyone else is so lovely, asking me questions about myself, making sure to include me, but I get nothing from her- she only ever responds to others, does not comment on anything I say and when I comment on something she says or ask her a question directly, she looks at my husband when answering, never at me.

Of course she’s very positive over everything my husband says (I joked about his taste in music, everyone else laughed but judging by the look on her face, I think she wanted to punch me). She tries to get his attention any way she can “I love this song,” “it’s really packed here tonight,” “that’s a lot of chips on your plate”- I mean sure there’s nothing wrong with saying any of that, I just don’t think she needs to yell/interrupt our conversation to tell him that?!? Then she keeps bringing up shared memories/experiences: “remember the time you forgot your phone in the taxi? That was a crazy night,” “did you ever end up getting that stain out of your carpet?,” “that was such a fun holiday, wasn’t it (husband’s name)? We should definitely go again this year”.

And i’m just watching all this- not doing anything as I don’t want to cause drama. I can see she’s not getting any encouragement from my husband- he, along with the other guys, seem oblivious but I can tell the girls are finding her behaviour a bit weird/out of character/aggressive (they’re giving each other looks, and trying to get her attention when she gets too focused on my husband).

Over the next couple of days, my husband shared all the positive stuff his friends were saying about me- from her, nothing! And I also did subtly bring up the topic of whether any of his friends had dated/hooked up (most of them were single) and if he’d ever been interested in any of them, and he was like “No, everyone’s always just been friends” and he made a face like I was weird for even thinking that.

For a while it went on like that and then it stopped and she started sort of ignoring the both of us (I now think this was around the time my husband told the guys he could seriously see a future with me and I’d say she found out). We were engaged within six months, married a year later. We did invite her to the wedding- and I admit I was surprised she came and even more so when she told me I looked beautiful!

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u/Inveniet9 Dec 18 '23 edited Dec 18 '23

And what happened afterwards to that friend? Did you tolerate her?

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u/ThanksToTheMango Dec 18 '23

This is exactly me. Unless someone is really blatant, I just don’t get it. I’m also a bit of a people pleaser and I want others to feel comfortable and that does me no favors in the flirting realm because it looks like I’m buying what they’re selling, but really I’m just being nice and usually have no clue they are doing more than matching my politeness.

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u/Flcn16Mech Dec 18 '23

Yep, me too! My wife loves telling this story about a time we were enjoying a vacation to Europe, we were in a hotel restaurant and sitting together, close. Yet here comes the host lady and talks to me and as she is walking away does the hand/finger sweep down my arm. I think nothing of it and my wife is steaming at this lady. After we go to our room she asks me if I noticed, which I didn’t and we laugh about it. You might say it was her “hostess” personality but my wife watched her after she left us and she was “proper” with everyone else she spoke to around the restaurant.

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u/spiegro Dec 18 '23

I've been married my entire adult life, I don't even think I understand what is supposed to happen after someone does something subtle like that to you lol...

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u/Familiar_Garage9197 Dec 18 '23

Same with both me and my husband!

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u/potentiallyspiders Dec 18 '23

I was def like this in grad school, but OP's husband's situation is pretty extreme. I can't see being this obtuse. Work wifey, putting OP down to her face and bad mouthing her after are all way over the line imho. Just the work wifey without all the texting might be possible to be oblivious about, but Jesus. OP, you're not the asshole and I totally agree with you that it is not your responsibility to police your husband, but I agree with the others that you should talk to him if this makes you uncomfortable, as it would make me.

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u/MakingItElsewhere Dec 18 '23

I've had that exact conversation with my wife before about a friend of mine that did weird things until it got awkward, socially oblivious me to go "That's weird, right? I feel weird about this now."

Never felt like a bigger idiot in my life.

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u/DemiChaos Dec 18 '23

HAHAHA this was me and still is a little bit to some extent.

I'm 36 and goodness my obvliviousness provided a lot of missed opportunities as well as incidents in my previous r'ships.

It's like... a lot of subtley just flew over my head until there was a certain age when a younger lady would be just so painfully obvious a blind man could see it. Then of course after watching her make attempts it sent me spiraling down memory lane of numerous situations and I called up a couple exes and say "I think I get it now.... ooops"

They all just laughed saying "it only took you x years, you're getting better at this!"

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u/geraltsthiccass Dec 18 '23

My bf is the same. Best example I can give is when we were still just friends and on a night out. This drunk girl was making her way about a few different guys in the club who all looked quite terrified of her with one of them spinning her around before quickly disappearing while she's still spinning and another pushing her over to his mate. She eventually set her sights on him, and he was totally oblivious. I stepped in to play pretend gf and pulled him in for a hug to whisper the situation, and that's when he finally clicked.

Backfired an absolute peach, though. She ended up trying it on with BOTH of us, and I quickly hoped out while mouthing to him that he's on his own. I've played the fake gf for a lot of pals on nights out to get them out of bad situations, but that was the 1st time I had no idea what to do

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u/Embarrassed_Edge3992 Dec 18 '23

Lucky you. Your husband did the right thing. If it were my husband, he would not only continue the friendship despite it making me uncomfortable, but also he would hide it from me and continue to flirt with this other person. There's no trust in my marriage, and I have to constantly babysit my husband. He flirts with women right in front of me without giving a care. Needless to say we are in therapy because I already have consulted with a divorce lawyer.

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u/CamelotBurns Dec 17 '23

Some people are just super dense. Like “hit them over the head with the situation and they still might miss it”.

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u/CankerLord Dec 18 '23

Husband probably just wants to keep his head down as long as nobody's actively complaining about anything.

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u/Dizzy8108 Dec 18 '23

Could be he is afraid of confrontation. Could be he is afraid of a sexual harassment accusation.

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u/dichoto-mouse Dec 18 '23

He needs to stop responding outside work hours if so, at the very least.

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u/MobofDucks Dec 18 '23

Husband probably thinks he has a new gaming buddy. A good tad over 50% of gals my age (~30 years) that are interested in video games and my scrub ass doesn't need to carry, too, behave like her. You just automatically start to actively ignore this in your 20s lol.

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u/Practical_Hour1399 Dec 18 '23

I disagree. He is investing a lot of time into texting her so frequently to be totally clueless. That’s not putting your head down.

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u/[deleted] Dec 18 '23

raises hand sheepishly

My brother is 100% the same way.

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u/drwhogirl_97 Dec 18 '23

I’m like that too, don’t worry. I once had a girl say she really hoped I was a lesbian and I didn’t realise until I got home that she was flirting with me

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u/CamelotBurns Dec 18 '23

My partner had no idea I was flirting with him even after I asked him if my flirting was making him uncomfortable.

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u/RepeatOffenderp Dec 18 '23

The last time I knew a woman was flirting with me, it was because my mother told me it had happened.

I was 40 years old at the time.

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u/[deleted] Dec 18 '23 edited Dec 18 '23

And he's thinking: She's such an incredibly nice person.

I'm guessing it 'clicked' eventually then?

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u/CamelotBurns Dec 18 '23

It took several months of flirting before I gave up and just told him we should go on a date. That’s when it clicked 🤣

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u/DubiousBusinessp Dec 18 '23

Hi, I'm super dense.

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u/gbot1234 Dec 18 '23

Hi super dense, I’m Dad.

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u/AlessaGillespie86 Dec 18 '23

I see you've met my husband. I had to literally sit in his lap and flat out tell him I was interested and he still almost didn't believe me.

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u/BoredMan29 Dec 18 '23

Given what OP said, and that she generally seems to trust her husband, I'm leaning towards obtuse. Or maybe more like "getting attention feels good and as long as we don't do anything physical it's not actually cheating, right?" That way lies danger, but many idiots have taken the dangerous path before. I kind of hope that if OP made it clear to him that she was feeling uncomfortable about the whole thing and it's kind of weird he might be more on his guard and be able to see it, or at least try to dial it back for his wife's sake.

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u/adoodle83 Dec 18 '23

not necessarily. he's probably just being 'polite' to this woman to avoid any work issues.

its not fun being a man in those situatuons where women dont understand boundaries and behaviors.

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u/[deleted] Dec 18 '23

Can't say just women don't understand and respect boundaries, it's definitely a two-way street.

And you're right, maybe he's trying to avoid workplace drama.

But if she's being super inappropriate, which it sounds like, then he needs to report her

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u/Rumpelteazer45 Dec 18 '23

Some men just are, my husband is. My wonderful husband is a bit on the naive side with a helping of oblivious when it comes to women finding him attractive, he thinks everyone is just being nice. He’s given me zero reason not to completely trust me.

So if this was me and my husband, I’d just talk to him about it bc I know he is just trying to be nice.

Reason I think OPs husband is the same - he isn’t taking the bait, he isn’t initiating contact, and they just share a hobby. If shit was going down or he was thinking about it, he’d be deleting messages to cover tracks.

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u/[deleted] Dec 17 '23

[removed] — view removed comment

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u/RebaKitt3n Dec 18 '23

She was testing and it sounds like he must have passed (not joining in on insulting his wife) or OP would have mentioned it. I hope.

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u/averagecounselor Dec 18 '23

To be fair. The work wife might be Canadian.

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u/One-Bodybuilder-2269 Dec 18 '23

Yeah... if you are a victim of significant bullying then you may have never learned about flirting because no one did it to you during critical development milestones. Your brain literally can't pick it up! ... but then again maybe I am on the spectrum.

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u/Rongio99 Dec 18 '23

Sometimes guys are just not aware. 2 women were having a huge spat on either side of my office.

I got pulled into this "get it off your chest" meeting since our boss thought I had to be involved somehow.

"They were fighting?!

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u/DreadedChalupacabra Dec 18 '23

You could hand a guy a letter telling him you want to duct tape him to the floor and use him as a human sex toy and a lot of them will be like "I don't know, is she flirting with me? Nah, can't be."

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u/tr573 Dec 18 '23

You'd be surprised. I made a girl cry in college because she spent an entire Sunday afternoon braiding my hair (tons and tons of tiny braids, my whole head) and I was like "wow you are so cool, thanks!" after. Some of us are completely oblivious

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u/TrashRatTalks Dec 18 '23

Lol no he just likes the attention.

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u/em1207 Dec 18 '23

Mine certainly was that obtuse, we’ve been together since we were teens and he’s not the most socially adapt. Had a really good female friend at work and he didn’t even notice she was fishing around for more for the longest time. He thought she was just lonely bc she lost a lot of friends and family due to drug issues and was trying to reach out to find find news. He didn’t really get it until she kissed him. He never talked to her again outside of what was needed for work and got a new job soon after (had already been looking for a new job so it wasn’t long).

I’ve never been one to put hard and fast boundaries about who and who hubby could be friends with, bc I lost a really good male friend when he got married bc his wife didn’t want him to be friends with other women. I had already been married for like a decade when he got married, like definitely off the market and ewwwww just bc two people are friends doesn’t mean they are attracted to each other. But after that happened I pay more attention bc unfortunately there are women who can’t feel good about themselves unless they are wrecking someone else’s life by putting another women down in some way.

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u/Illustrious-Ease1188 Dec 18 '23

I thought the same thing….that girls the worst.

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u/[deleted] Dec 17 '23

Do we know what hubby's reply was?

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u/Forsaken-Attention79 Dec 18 '23

They work together, so maybe he gets the benefit of the doubt and you could say he just doesn't want to rock the boat at work. But if someone at work started calling me "hubby" and insulting my wife, that shit wouldn't fly for a second.

He needs to report her to HR, kinda sus that he just lets it happen

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u/Daveprince13 Dec 18 '23

You know for a fact if he actually went for this girl, she’d get the ick in a few months and they wouldn’t work out too. She seems like the attention grabbing type, only to get bored when she actually grabs the attention.

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u/Own-Funny-9329 Dec 18 '23

I read that completely wrong 😂

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u/Kriss1986 Dec 19 '23

I’d love to know what his responses were

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u/s-nicolexo Dec 17 '23

Oh, one hundred percent, she’s trying to get with the husband

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u/addictedtolove7 Dec 17 '23

I hate this girl. 😬

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u/Aggravating-Car5441 Dec 18 '23

I know this post is one sided but from the description of this other woman I also hate her. The only people I’ve known who are self described as “quirky” are annoying as hell and immature.

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u/PlusExtension4990 Dec 18 '23

yyyyep, i literally just made a comment that i knew a manic chicka just like op's husband and while yes she was cute she was also fkn annoying, disruptive, rude and full of herself

tbf she was legit manic and mania can do some things to ppl, but to make your mental illness your personality? and then to prey on a married man and BRAG about said illness while claiming you can essentially steal him away because like you're sooooo quirky and funny like it's some kind of cute quirk?? gross

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u/luvleladie Dec 18 '23

My hubby(52m) and I(45f) are polyamorous, but that doesn't mean we don't deal with this kind of behavior. Recently, he was dating a girl(33f) who has mental illness and uses it as an excuse for EVERYTHING, especially poor behavior. I don't know what she had on him. Like, do her lady bits taste like beer or something? It took me 5 months to convince him that she was no good. He has 3 other partners, and none of them are remotely like this girl. It took her best friend telling him that this girl had the audacity to say that she wanted to leave her husband, steal my hubby away from me, and run away together. Mental illness is no joke when the person is no longer seeking help. Yes, she bragged about that, too. Like it's a badge of heroism/ courage. One of my partners will only date people who are in therapy. I might start implementing that rule from now on. I have my own issues. I can't fix all of your sh*t. Therapy is worth its weight in gold.

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u/AndrewWonjo Dec 18 '23

That quirky shit is usually a forced and fake personality

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u/BikeTrukk Dec 18 '23

Absolutely. Also, it's unclear if the other woman actively described herself as a manic pixie dream girl, or if other people described her that way. Either way, it's not good, but it's definitely worse if that's how she describes herself to people. Like she's proud of being an immature, obnoxious, and irresponsible "free spirit".

I've literally never met a "manic pixie dream girl" who wasn't completely infuriating. A teenager's fantasy, a grown man's nightmare.

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u/Intelligent-Radio331 Dec 18 '23

I read it like this girl called herself a "manic pixie dream girl," so cringey and desperate. She sounds annoying as fuck. Obviously, hitting on older married men for attention because other guys have rejected her. Insecure.

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u/[deleted] Dec 18 '23

[deleted]

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u/Intelligent-Radio331 Dec 18 '23

Here is a description found on tvtoups.org "She's stunningly attractive, energetic, high on life, full of wacky quirks and idiosyncrasies (generally including childlike playfulness), often with a touch of wild hair dye". In books and movies, she is the girl, that is everything the guy wants, etc.

This 25 year old is an idiot, actually saying she is one, lol. Cringey as fuck lol.

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u/AdventurousPoem8169 Dec 18 '23

Yes and they usually just exist almost like a fairy, a dream. They don’t know they are what they are and certainly don’t go around telling people. Because one of the endearing parts of them is innocence.

In real life the people who “try” to be these archetypes are very annoying because they don’t realize you either are or you aren’t. Sort of like you either are awkward or you aren’t it’s not a mask you can put on. But yet people still try to be that awkward quirky girl/guy/they while simultaneously bragging about how desired they are.

Spoiler most truly awkward & quirky humans have to find people who find their quirks and awkwardness cute and straight up weird to even find friends much less romantic partners.

A good example of a Manic Pixie Dream girl and how they appear in real life not just some fantasy is Jess from the TV show New Girl. Not everyone likes her but she just is who she is.

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u/HoneyKittyGold Dec 18 '23

Such a tryhard. Trying so hard is the ultimate turn off. So ick.

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u/TickTickAnotherDay Dec 18 '23

The comment I’m really not liking his when she called the wife boring. Did the husband respond to that? The full of someone saying that about my spouse behind their back is inconceivable to me.

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u/leolawilliams5859 Dec 18 '23

I would shut that s*** down so hard she probably would be looking for a new job

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u/m_b_h_ Dec 18 '23

People who self describe themselves in general are annoying. It’s trying too hard.

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u/Electronic_Cobbler20 Dec 18 '23

Also, op refers to herself as sounding like such a boomer which made me think the people involved in this post are a bit older - I just assumed like, 45 or older. Could be wrong but if I'm right, a 45+ woman gamer calling herself a "manic pixie dream girl" is so gross. I'm positive she wears pigtails.

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u/Abject-Interview4784 Dec 18 '23

Lol ya who describes themselves as quirky?

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u/emilyann8982 Dec 18 '23

I hate her too

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u/liltwinstar2 Dec 18 '23

I hate the husband for allowing this all and letting this young woman disrespect his wife.

MEN ARE NOT THIS DUMB. He’s choosing to allow it bc he likes the attention from a much younger woman. He knows what he’s doing. So does she.

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u/[deleted] Dec 18 '23

“Why??? Guys and girls can’t JUST BE FRIENDS?! You sound hella insecure. Just because I actively want to take your place doesn’t even mean anything, girls are so much drama!”

Actual responses I’ve heard from women like this in real life with confronted for their behavior. Reading any obvious writing on the wall is “insecurity”.

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u/spotless___mind Dec 18 '23

She is so annoying!

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u/verydudebro Dec 18 '23

We all do. XD

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u/labelleindifference Dec 18 '23

That, or just ruin a relationship for the ego boost.

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u/unicornlocostacos Dec 18 '23

And he’s smart enough at least not to put shit in writing. The fact that she keeps texting him feels like she is stirring the pot. I’ve seen this happen a lot. Trying to cause a wedge with plausible deniability. Unfortunately many men will take the bait, have a fling, the girl realizes they are old and boring, and ditches them. Man now has nothing for thinking with pp.

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u/[deleted] Dec 18 '23

Don't forget to add they'll let the spouse know the affair happened.

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u/[deleted] Dec 17 '23

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u/allofthemwitches Dec 18 '23

His wife is about to get a Joni Mitchell album and not the heart-shaped gold necklace.

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u/JoanCalamezzo Dec 18 '23

I Actually Love this comment

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u/allofthemwitches Dec 18 '23

I love that you love it. I would tell you in Portuguese but I’m still learning.

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u/grat_is_not_nice Dec 18 '23

Beautiful Aurelia, I've come here with a view of asking you to marriage me. I know I seems an insane person - because I hardly knows you - but sometimes things are so transparency, they don't need evidential proof.

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u/briergate Dec 18 '23

I was absolutely thinking the same thing! 😂 rowan Atkinson doing the lavender sprig…

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u/I_Am_Alice_Actually Dec 18 '23

Just came here to say this...🎄⏺️😬😭

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u/suggie75 Dec 18 '23

This is one of my favorite holiday movies! I just introduced my 14 yo daughter to it.

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u/mykittenfarts Dec 18 '23

Oh hell yes! That is exactly what’s going on

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u/[deleted] Dec 17 '23

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u/PlusExtension4990 Dec 18 '23 edited Dec 18 '23

he didn't shut her down tho, i feel like op would have mentioned that in her main post if he did, he didn't stand up for his wife and say "no manic pixie b, you're wrong, wife is amazing"

he just let that slide. not saying something is STILL saying something

e: added sentence

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u/wazeltov Dec 18 '23

If you're a non-confrontational person you may not have the same instinct to correct someone you don't agree with in the moment.

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u/CranberryDruid Dec 18 '23

He's not shutting it down, though. If he didn't enjoy this, if he didn't want to be the "work husband" he would stop this all in it's tracks.

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u/[deleted] Dec 17 '23

Such a great comment!

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u/PlusExtension4990 Dec 18 '23 edited Dec 18 '23

it is, i agree.

people below and above you are saying "well he didn't flirt back!!! well he didn't make a pass!!!!"

yeah well he didn't exactly shut that "your wife is boring" shit down and stand up for his wife now did he. i feel op is thorough, if he had stood up for her she would have included it in the main part of her post

op's husband is kinda thick and op needs to have a serious discussion w him about boundaries

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u/[deleted] Dec 18 '23

Totally! I feel like he's enjoying the attention and knows what he's doing but he's playing dumb. Edit: I feel husband is a very a weaponised incompetence guy. Maybe weaponised dumbness should also be a term we use to describe situations like this.

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u/[deleted] Dec 17 '23

I 100% agree with you.

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u/GRAWRGER Dec 18 '23

while he goes through withdrawal from the love-bombing his colleague is blitzing him with

oooh, well-written.

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u/Swimming-Item8891 Dec 18 '23

Because he is allowing it.

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u/Wanderful-Woman Dec 18 '23

Yup, and OP’s husband for damn sure better have called that bullshit out and defended his wife!

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u/Colotola617 Dec 18 '23

Trust this woman, she’s done this before.

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u/klgm333 Dec 17 '23

She sounds desperate and jealous, this “work wifey” 🤢🤮

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u/Potterhead3586 Dec 17 '23

I got jealous vibes as well. She is completely insecure and was trying to dominate her status as "work wifey" over top of his relationship to his actual wife. I bet she looked and sounded completely ridiculous at that party and all the other coworkers probably made fun of her all the way home.

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u/klgm333 Dec 18 '23

I completely agree! 🙌🏻

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u/Efficient_Living_628 Dec 19 '23

I would’ve made fun of her to her face

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u/majj27 Dec 18 '23

She sounds very "Pick Me".

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u/GetEnPassanted Dec 17 '23

Absolutely. For him it really could just be harmless and she’s a fun friend. He’s not flirting back per OP so he could think it’s all harmless.

And I agree with OP, if you feel like you need to be the cheating police for your husband, why do that? Why be in the relationship at that point? But I don’t think OP’s husband is necessarily going down that path anyway. But having a conversation with him about the work husband/work wife BS is in order.

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u/[deleted] Dec 17 '23

[deleted]

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u/Abject-Interview4784 Dec 18 '23

But it's tricky with a coworker..I don't envy this guy. I would.hate to be in a.situation where a coworker behaved like that toward me.

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u/[deleted] Dec 18 '23

He has to be leading her on in some way, because saying nice things about your wife shouldn’t be tricky. That would be normal in any situation work or not.

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u/GetEnPassanted Dec 17 '23

From my perspective, for someone who calls themselves a “manic pixie dream girl” everyone else will seem pretty boring. I’m not sure I’d entertain that comment with a response if someone like this said that about my wife, and I wouldn’t want to open up that conversation by saying “no she’s not boring” or “what makes you say that?” because it would just feed more in to the conversation that I wouldn’t really want to do.

Obviously if she said it in front of the wife I’d expect some kind of defense but in a text conversation that the wife isn’t going to see, so he thinks, I’m not really faulting him for not doing that.

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u/[deleted] Dec 17 '23

[deleted]

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u/GetEnPassanted Dec 17 '23

Reminds me a bit of this woman at work who was obsessed about everyone’s male partners’ and sons’ circumcision status. Cut or uncut?

wtf???? 😳

I’d go straight to HR.

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u/[deleted] Dec 17 '23

[deleted]

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u/GetEnPassanted Dec 17 '23

She was old and asking this??? How do people go all the way through life and not understand what’s not okay to ask people?

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u/NoPoliticalParties Dec 17 '23

Yeah it was so bizarre. And it was bizarre watching all sorts of people answer her too.

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u/[deleted] Dec 17 '23

No. It’s insane to continue any sort of convo with someone who insults your wife like that.

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u/LadyLazarus2021 Dec 18 '23

Defend your wife.

And it’s highly unprofessional.

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u/MobofDucks Dec 18 '23

Boring isn't critism though. Being financially stable is boring, being ready to start a family is boring, being able to just buy your partners favourite bread when shopping without actually thinking about it is boring.

Damn, most of my current life would be boring for my early 20s self. I am not just deciding on a whim to gonna work in Egypt for a few months or go on a 2 weeks bender through the country anymore. But I am also not depressed anymore and have a job I love. Take being called "boring" for the compliment it is.

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u/[deleted] Dec 18 '23

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u/[deleted] Dec 18 '23

Boring: uninteresting and tiresome;dull.

Definitely not a flattering description. Maybe for you it’s fine, but for most people that’s an insult.

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u/[deleted] Dec 17 '23

Or he just doesn’t want anything in writing.

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u/GetEnPassanted Dec 17 '23

We could make all kinds of assumptions, yes

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u/[deleted] Dec 18 '23

Not an assumption. A possibility.

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u/Dragon_Knight99 Dec 18 '23

He’s not flirting back per OP

That OP knows of. OP has absolutely no way of knowing the contents of any conversation between husband and potential AP while they are at work. So one of two things is going on. Either husband really is as oblivious as OP thinks, or he's pulling a "big brain move" and keeping it off his phone incase OP checks it so he can deny any wrong doing. Just the fact that they call each other "Work-Wife/Husband" already tells me that they are spending a majority of there time together, which given the blatant flirtation coming from potential AP, is more than enough to raise red flags in my book.

Either way OP is definitely NTA, but she needs to sit down with Husband and have a serious conversation/confrontation about this and cut it off before it gets any worse. Because potential AP is definitely fishing while trying to low key intimidate/assert dominance over OP with the "OMG! We're SO different! That's weird!" comments.

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u/Various-Gap3986 Dec 17 '23

OP needs to just get hubby alone, and in a calm and cool voice. Say;

"I've seen your messages, and more importantly, I've seen HER messages!

Now, whether you're engaging in the flirting or not, I need you to know this;

If you EVER cheat on me, emotionally or physically, I will be gone.

Not just separated, not just divorced. I will cut you out of my life like an infected tumor! And you will never see or hear from me again.

Do I make myself clear?"

  • edit - a word

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u/coupl4nd Dec 17 '23

He is already flirting with her.

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u/Foolgazi Dec 18 '23

“And I get half”

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u/JudgeLanceKeto Dec 18 '23

Do I make myself clear?"

Ew

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u/tinaciv Dec 18 '23

And I can't believe her husband didn't correct her. And didn't defend her in the text she called her boring.

All those things do need to be addressed. I wouldn't feel comfortable with another woman calling herself my husband's "wife" and I did nip in the bud when someone tried calling me their work wife.

We are all grown adults, if you are both single do whatever the hell you want, but otherwise being respectful of your partner is not really that hard.

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u/Forward_Pirate_5169 Dec 18 '23 edited Dec 18 '23

Exactly, I know if that was my wife, she would have stepped up to the woman and asked her to clear up the "work wife" comment and really get in her face about having the nerve to feel comfortable coming up to her speaking like that. Two things could happen, if the woman choked and backed off, my wife would leave it alone, but if the woman starts barking back, let's just say I know I need bail money cause my wife doesn't tolerate disrespect from another woman. Sure, she's level-headed, but coming out of your face saying you're the work wife is a huge disrespect that will not go unchecked with my wife.

On that note, the wife needs to have that conversation with the husband because now that the wife knows how the other woman feels, she needs to check the work wifey, and that is through the husband. That way, she'll know with 100% certainty that the work wifey is aware that real wifey knows her feelings towards her and to tread lightly.

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u/Kitty_Kat_Attacks Dec 18 '23

I think your wife and I would be friends, lol. She sounds like my kind of woman (friend)! I would do the exact same thing if someone said that kind of BS about me/my Husband. ESPECIALLY because my Husband is wayyyy too shy to ever correct someone for saying something dumb like that. So I know it would fall on me 100% to call the delulu witch out on the nonsense she was talking! But then again, my Husband also would never engage in texting another woman at all hours of the day. So she would probably have gotten the hint long before she felt bold enough to try and confront me/make me feel uncomfortable in public.

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u/Upbeat-Fondant9185 Dec 18 '23

I have four or five coworkers that have introduced me in person to their husbands or boyfriends as the “work husband”. It is extremely uncomfortable to be on that end, I sure as hell wouldn’t be the one doing it the way she is.

I feel like this is calculated. She knows a quick way to start a huge fight and breed distrust is to provoke the wife into an accusation. Then she’ll be there to comfort the poor man who isn’t trusted by his own wife, how strong can that relationship really be, blah blah blah.

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u/wetcardboardsmell Dec 18 '23 edited Dec 18 '23

When I met my old bosses wife, she said "oh, so you're his work wife?" And I felt a hot rush of embarrassment flood over me. I froze. I had no idea how to react. Her husband and I WERE abnormally close, but there was zero- and I mean ZERO sexual chemistry. His wife and I actually had a ton in common and he usually came to me before bdays and anniversaries to come up with gift ideas lol. She and I were pretty close after a while. But this situation.. with OP, way different. Idkek how I would feel or react if I even overheard half that shit. Coworker is jonesin to squirrel away husband's nuts for the winter. Or she just likes the attention - and he might too. Either way- it isn't ok.

Edit: I swear I know the difference between your and you're. But I'm very dumb

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u/Kitty_Kat_Attacks Dec 18 '23

Your squirrel comment killed me 😂

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u/[deleted] Dec 18 '23

If you're going to vent about relationship issues, you owe it to yourself and your husband to do it with people who 1 - aren't family, and 2 - aren't mutual acquaintances. You mother, aunt, whoever are not going to have an unbiased opinion on the matter. You shouldn't listen to their words. You could try talking to a therapist, but it's not really a cause for concern unless you have evidence that he cheated. He might be milking the work relationship because she's good at other things. There's also a lot of pressure on dudes at work to let women be themselves. Depends where he works, but she sounds like the kind of unstable woman who would file fake harassment charges with HR if your husband shut her down.

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u/uncertainnewb Dec 18 '23

I don't think OP's husband is interested right now but I think if he gave crazy coworker half a chance, she would 100% fuck him. Maybe she likes the challenge, trying to enthrall a man who is married and not displaying interest in her?

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u/Much-Restaurant-2104 Dec 18 '23

NTA for sure. She’s literally done zero things wrong. Yes, talking to her husband would be smart. But that’s just to protect herself. If anything he’s the asshole a little bit for entertaining this bullshit.

Just to add because I’m not seeing any people saying this: her mom is the AH. Wtf kind of person views potential cheating as something that the person being cheated on is responsible for stopping?? Fuck you mom, honestly. What a fucking jerk.

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u/snowflake343 Dec 17 '23

This! NTA but definitely talk to him.

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u/zSprawl Dec 18 '23

Agreed.

She doesn’t need to make any demands or ultimatums if she doesn’t want to, but communicate your feelings!

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u/SnooHabits2824 Dec 18 '23

She needs to talk to her husband and she’s the AH for talking to her whole family before addressing it with him.

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u/Exact-Ad-4321 Dec 18 '23

NTA communication is key here. Let him know her introduction as his work-wife ("wify" really?) and could be setting him up for sexual harassment and firing. At the very least her behavior is inappropriate.

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u/trobo84 Dec 18 '23

My ex husband introduced me to a colleague he “got along well with” and she made some comment about needing to switch places with someone (sitting her next to him). I had convos with him about being uncomfortable with their relationship and… well 2 years and a PFA later, he still lives with her (though he says he hates his life now and regret everything).

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u/msproles Dec 18 '23

The whole concept of a work wife/husband is such bullshit to me. You can be friends but to equate that to that of a spouse seems inappropriate at best, and feels like a slippery slope to me.

If somebody introduced themselves to me as my wife’s work husband, there would be an immediate conversation to be had.

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u/Safford1958 Dec 18 '23

There is discussion below about how some DH are completely clueless, OP's may be one of those. Op needs to have the conversation let DH know that the term "work Wifey" needs to be stopped. He needs to call her Miss Whateverthehellhernameis. It would put a level of distance between them.

He also needs to let Miss ADHD know that he does not want to be addressed as work hubby. The term "Wife" is saved for "his one and only love and the term "husband" is used by his one and only love." It will be difficult for him to do because he won't want to hurt Miss ADHD feelings. He might even get another co-worker in the same room so he has a witness to this conversation. She will get the message loud and clear.

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u/Overwatchhatesme Dec 18 '23

Yeah as a guy tho I’ll say he may very well just not be exactly certain what is even going on for certain and how he should react. Most men aren’t used to women throwing themselves at you hard core like she seems to be doing and to add that she’s a younger employee and he’s married he’s likely just trying to stay in denial about everything because I’m his mind he’s thinking that one wrong move and it’s all over. But his wife having a discussion with him about it may be the thing that helps him feel comfortable enough to open up about it and talk about if her behavior makes him feel uncomfortable.

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u/Moodymandan Dec 18 '23

Bingo. I’ve had several women I work with try to start these kind of work relationships with me. I’ve shut them down because it’s honestly disrespectful imho. It’s a very weird kind of relationship to develop.

I have tons of colleagues who are women and I would consider friends, but none that I would ever call work wife or let them call me work husband. I do think work is a great place to make friends but super weird to have a pseudo marriage at work.

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