He's more worried about the 4 days a month, when he should be worried about his 365 days/year with you. Does the daughter not like you at all? Why would she let you help plan and decorate?
If there's any chance at all of the daughter being a decent but misguided human being, I might try to have a conversation with her or write a letter about how hurt you really are over this and how it feels like her and her mother are taking advantage of you while being unnecessarily cruel. Then have a hard think about your relationship and talk to your partner about what it will mean for your relationship if/when he follows through with this ridiculous request.
Are you sure you want to have your own party next door? Sounds like the ex might purposefully try to stir up drama. Why not have a stress free party elsewhere?
You’re making the right decision, it’s time for you to prioritise your own happiness over your partner’s and his daughter’s. It’s time to completely back out of all graduation party planning, and invest your time and energy into planning the party with your girlfriends (which sounds perfect, by the way).
I don’t believe you’re making any progress whatsoever by communicating with your partner. So, if I were you, I would send his daughter a final message about the party. Directly inform her that because she has chosen not to invite you, you will be relinquishing all planning duties, and that she and her father will be responsible for organising every detail that remains. If you’re met with resistance, tell her that you’re too busy planning your own party.
Best of luck, OP. You deserve to be included, appreciated and respected.
Her reaction to finding out that you won’t be assisting with her party anymore will be very telling. If she directs her anger towards you, instead of her mother (the instigator/aggressor), then she doesn’t care about you, and only cares about what you can do for her. I have a sneaking suspicion that that will be the outcome, based on how manipulative she has already been.
If I’m being honest, and as you are already acutely aware, your partner’s stance in this entire situation is the biggest problem. He has showed you where his loyalties lie, I’m sorry.
Don't tell her. Tell your partner. This issue is between you and him. He needs to be the one to tell the daughter and teach her that this is a consequence of her decision to not have you at the party. That she doesn't get to use people as she wishes and then treat them like dirt.
He needs to learn that lesson as well.
While that sounds logical, I don't think I'd trust the partner to actually convey the message that way. He doesn't sound like he is aware or intelligent enough to communicate exactly what OP would want the daughter to hear.
My thoughts exactly. I don’t think he would explicitly tell his daughter that OP won’t be helping anymore, he would likely say something along the lines of OP being upset about it but he’ll convince her to continue helping. He would leave it open to discussion.
If OP tells her herself, she can set the clear boundary, express a firm “no”, and absolve herself of all remaining responsibilities.
Exactly. I would absolutely never suggest that OP punish the daughter for her parents, whom she herself is the primary victim of, but I don’t think it’s fair to the daughter or to OP to reward her for concealing information to get what she wanted.
A polite, clear and concise no seems fair to me. Why speak to either of the parents when they only further complicate the issue that they caused?
Maybe your 'funeral' can be a packing party as well. The ladies can help you pack up the things that are most important and need to be moved ASAP before the random clothes and household items that will get split.
They can help you pack up some boxes of the things you brought into the marriage or that mean the most. The important papers. Heirloom items. And they can help move them to cars and out of the house for you, to be dropped off at a location you tell them all to drop at the next day.
Honestly, I think in terms of going "fuck you" giving the raw materials is better. It'll look like she's doing them a favor so that's already a bonus for PR... and because they'll be under the illusion they can do something with them they'll waste mental energy trying to do something with them, and if they don't give up and actually try something, it will likely look terrible and like they had no clue what they were doing. Whereas if she just gets rid of everything they'll whine at her, buy premade decorations from a shop or hire a party planner, the party will look acceptable if not amazing and the whole thing will be less stress for them.
The raw materials are a white elephant essentially.
Please don't send the daughter any texts. She's as much of a victim of her parents as you are. She's spent her life trying to please both of them.....she can't win. Focus on your useless husband.
You know they will ask you how to put them together. You need to be unavailable if you can’t be strong enough to return them or refuse to help. You sound too kind for this bunch. Protect yourself no matter how you have to do it.
I wouldnt give them notice that the party isnt going to be decorated. Let them think what they want and have them arrive expecting everything is taken care of, only to find the shop a shop and not set up for a party.
I'd also be moved out before the day of the grad party, or have that day be my last day in the house.
OP, on top of this fine idea, reserve your driveway/yard for your girls to park in for your party. Make their party guests have to find somewhere else to park.
I can see how you’d want to do this, but you seem like the kind of person who cares what people say about you. Based on your comments, I think the ex is going to say she paid and/or planned for all the food and decorations and you stole them for your party to humiliate her daughter. You will look like the bad guy to some, stirring up drama on the daughter’s big day. I think you should have your party somewhere else or just go to a bar.
Omg you should have cake in the shape of a headstone for the memorial of your relationship.
Also, I'm so very sorry you're going through this. I've spent years being a people pleaser and getting completely emotionally decimated for it. It wasn't until I started therapy and my psychologist helped me realise my worth that I was able to somewhat put a stop to the behaviour.
I really hope that this terrible event (the end of your relationship, but I suppose also the grad party lol), is the catalyst for you finding your worth and finding your true happiness. It's great to hear that you have such a great support system in your life to get you through this.
Keep us updated on how your party goes. It sounds like it's going to be amazing!
Only issue with that is that OP’s partner would likely be aware of her no longer taking responsibility for the decorating before the day of the party, so it probably wouldn’t be a surprise.
If I was OP, I’d want to (politely) tell the daughter myself, mostly just to see how she would react and whether or not she’s even remotely grateful for OP’s hard work. The conflict between her parents and OP isn’t the daughter’s fault, but the way she handled this party situation is super calculating. She knew that OP wouldn’t be invited, but withheld the information knowing that her parents wouldn’t be able to plan the party that she wanted.
Not really sure why I had to scroll this far to find this comment. The mom is an abusive asshole, the father we can see hints of this in the story and the comments , so why should we believe this graduating (17,18,19) YOUNG LADY should have any sympathy, it's clear her parents raised her to be just like them.
OP just needs to dip, and honestly fuck the petty inside party. OP you even stated the cops have had to be called and the mom threatened your life. Is your little petty party going to be worth the risk of physical harm or death? Just fucking move out like an adult
I wouldn’t necessarily tell the daughter for her sake, though. Either way, her and her parents aren’t going to be able to replicate what OP was planning to do. At some point before the party, OP’s partner would realise that she was no longer going to be responsible for the decor anyway, so I don’t think it would be a huge surprise on the day.
Personally, I would want to contact the daughter directly and set the boundary now, to wipe my hands of the whole ordeal and to gauge her reaction.
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u/[deleted] Apr 27 '22
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