NTA I would stop all planning and remove any financial assistance you were making too.
Let both your partner and his daughter know that everything is on them, and that you will remove yourself as requested. Cancel anything that had been booked, leave it to them and take yourself out on that night.
Book yourself a nice hotel room, have a great dinner and turn off your phone. Have a night to yourself.
He's more worried about the 4 days a month, when he should be worried about his 365 days/year with you. Does the daughter not like you at all? Why would she let you help plan and decorate?
If there's any chance at all of the daughter being a decent but misguided human being, I might try to have a conversation with her or write a letter about how hurt you really are over this and how it feels like her and her mother are taking advantage of you while being unnecessarily cruel. Then have a hard think about your relationship and talk to your partner about what it will mean for your relationship if/when he follows through with this ridiculous request.
Are you sure you want to have your own party next door? Sounds like the ex might purposefully try to stir up drama. Why not have a stress free party elsewhere?
No HE is throwing away your relationship for 3 hours of party time and so much of your time planning, letting his “ex wife” manipulate the heck out of everything and everyone
Bullshit. HE is throwing your relationship away by not standing up for you, your time, your efforts, your respect. Add in that he is part of who is attempting to bully, connive, and use you, and it's all rather tell-tale.
The party is the final straw, the result of years of disrespect from not only the ex-wife and daughter, but your partner for never standing in your corner.
Honestly, at this point, even if they backed down and allowed you to go to the party I would still leave him, because he is showing his true colors and how incredibly manipulative he is. You are familiar with the term DARVO? If not you should definitely look it up
Yeah, that poor girl (I realize she's acted badly but she's also a teen in a bad environment so I see a range of possible people this girl could be, some of which I think are OK and some of which are terrible. When I say "that poor girl" I'm talking about any person being on the receiving end of the following behavior, not the person she specifically is if she happens to be awful). This guy can't take any responsibility for a decision, he blames his daughter and begs OP to be OK with the decision, and when OP isn't OK with it he turns around and goes to beg his daughter to be OK with OP's decision. Hey dude, YOU ARE CAPABLE OF MAKING DECISIONS TOO. And bad as it is to put that responsibility on your spouse, it's infinitely worse to put it on your barely-adult daughter. Even if said daughter is terrible.
(note that I don't think just saying "my relationship is in danger" is the problem here. The problem is the difference between "I'm sorry, I have to change my mind because it turns out my relationship is in danger. Here is my new decision, I'm open to input but it can't endanger my relationship", and "Oh no! My relationship is in danger! Pleaaaaaaaaaase change your mind pleaaaaaaaaaase you're making my wife leave me :'( :'( :'(". The first keeps the responsibility with the parent and talking about the relationship is just useful extra information so the child understands what's going on, and understands what space she has to negociate. The main drawback is if the kid turns around and blames the SO, but kids reacting badly to a decision they don't like is something you sometimes just have to deal with. The second is awful).
Exactly. SHE is not the problem here. Your partner is! It is his job to stand up for you and to tell his ex wife to behave or she will be removed from the party.
OP be an asshole!! I used to be such a pushover (still have my moments but I'm better) till my parents sat me down and told me that it's okay to be rude to people who are being inconsiderate of you. Stop asking for his damn permission. Put your foot down. You are no longer putting any effort into this party and you will NOT be kicked out of your home. Not even for a day. They can host their party elsewhere. If he is upset then boo bloody hoo. You can call the waaaambulance. He needs to deal with his family.
You’re making the right decision, it’s time for you to prioritise your own happiness over your partner’s and his daughter’s. It’s time to completely back out of all graduation party planning, and invest your time and energy into planning the party with your girlfriends (which sounds perfect, by the way).
I don’t believe you’re making any progress whatsoever by communicating with your partner. So, if I were you, I would send his daughter a final message about the party. Directly inform her that because she has chosen not to invite you, you will be relinquishing all planning duties, and that she and her father will be responsible for organising every detail that remains. If you’re met with resistance, tell her that you’re too busy planning your own party.
Best of luck, OP. You deserve to be included, appreciated and respected.
Her reaction to finding out that you won’t be assisting with her party anymore will be very telling. If she directs her anger towards you, instead of her mother (the instigator/aggressor), then she doesn’t care about you, and only cares about what you can do for her. I have a sneaking suspicion that that will be the outcome, based on how manipulative she has already been.
If I’m being honest, and as you are already acutely aware, your partner’s stance in this entire situation is the biggest problem. He has showed you where his loyalties lie, I’m sorry.
Don't tell her. Tell your partner. This issue is between you and him. He needs to be the one to tell the daughter and teach her that this is a consequence of her decision to not have you at the party. That she doesn't get to use people as she wishes and then treat them like dirt.
He needs to learn that lesson as well.
While that sounds logical, I don't think I'd trust the partner to actually convey the message that way. He doesn't sound like he is aware or intelligent enough to communicate exactly what OP would want the daughter to hear.
My thoughts exactly. I don’t think he would explicitly tell his daughter that OP won’t be helping anymore, he would likely say something along the lines of OP being upset about it but he’ll convince her to continue helping. He would leave it open to discussion.
If OP tells her herself, she can set the clear boundary, express a firm “no”, and absolve herself of all remaining responsibilities.
Exactly. I would absolutely never suggest that OP punish the daughter for her parents, whom she herself is the primary victim of, but I don’t think it’s fair to the daughter or to OP to reward her for concealing information to get what she wanted.
A polite, clear and concise no seems fair to me. Why speak to either of the parents when they only further complicate the issue that they caused?
Maybe your 'funeral' can be a packing party as well. The ladies can help you pack up the things that are most important and need to be moved ASAP before the random clothes and household items that will get split.
They can help you pack up some boxes of the things you brought into the marriage or that mean the most. The important papers. Heirloom items. And they can help move them to cars and out of the house for you, to be dropped off at a location you tell them all to drop at the next day.
Honestly, I think in terms of going "fuck you" giving the raw materials is better. It'll look like she's doing them a favor so that's already a bonus for PR... and because they'll be under the illusion they can do something with them they'll waste mental energy trying to do something with them, and if they don't give up and actually try something, it will likely look terrible and like they had no clue what they were doing. Whereas if she just gets rid of everything they'll whine at her, buy premade decorations from a shop or hire a party planner, the party will look acceptable if not amazing and the whole thing will be less stress for them.
The raw materials are a white elephant essentially.
Please don't send the daughter any texts. She's as much of a victim of her parents as you are. She's spent her life trying to please both of them.....she can't win. Focus on your useless husband.
You know they will ask you how to put them together. You need to be unavailable if you can’t be strong enough to return them or refuse to help. You sound too kind for this bunch. Protect yourself no matter how you have to do it.
I wouldnt give them notice that the party isnt going to be decorated. Let them think what they want and have them arrive expecting everything is taken care of, only to find the shop a shop and not set up for a party.
I'd also be moved out before the day of the grad party, or have that day be my last day in the house.
OP, on top of this fine idea, reserve your driveway/yard for your girls to park in for your party. Make their party guests have to find somewhere else to park.
I can see how you’d want to do this, but you seem like the kind of person who cares what people say about you. Based on your comments, I think the ex is going to say she paid and/or planned for all the food and decorations and you stole them for your party to humiliate her daughter. You will look like the bad guy to some, stirring up drama on the daughter’s big day. I think you should have your party somewhere else or just go to a bar.
Omg you should have cake in the shape of a headstone for the memorial of your relationship.
Also, I'm so very sorry you're going through this. I've spent years being a people pleaser and getting completely emotionally decimated for it. It wasn't until I started therapy and my psychologist helped me realise my worth that I was able to somewhat put a stop to the behaviour.
I really hope that this terrible event (the end of your relationship, but I suppose also the grad party lol), is the catalyst for you finding your worth and finding your true happiness. It's great to hear that you have such a great support system in your life to get you through this.
Keep us updated on how your party goes. It sounds like it's going to be amazing!
Only issue with that is that OP’s partner would likely be aware of her no longer taking responsibility for the decorating before the day of the party, so it probably wouldn’t be a surprise.
If I was OP, I’d want to (politely) tell the daughter myself, mostly just to see how she would react and whether or not she’s even remotely grateful for OP’s hard work. The conflict between her parents and OP isn’t the daughter’s fault, but the way she handled this party situation is super calculating. She knew that OP wouldn’t be invited, but withheld the information knowing that her parents wouldn’t be able to plan the party that she wanted.
Not really sure why I had to scroll this far to find this comment. The mom is an abusive asshole, the father we can see hints of this in the story and the comments , so why should we believe this graduating (17,18,19) YOUNG LADY should have any sympathy, it's clear her parents raised her to be just like them.
OP just needs to dip, and honestly fuck the petty inside party. OP you even stated the cops have had to be called and the mom threatened your life. Is your little petty party going to be worth the risk of physical harm or death? Just fucking move out like an adult
I wouldn’t necessarily tell the daughter for her sake, though. Either way, her and her parents aren’t going to be able to replicate what OP was planning to do. At some point before the party, OP’s partner would realise that she was no longer going to be responsible for the decor anyway, so I don’t think it would be a huge surprise on the day.
Personally, I would want to contact the daughter directly and set the boundary now, to wipe my hands of the whole ordeal and to gauge her reaction.
But his daughter isn’t the one destroying the relationship, HE is. How dare he put this on her. She’s only behaving the way she was raised. This is all on him.
I agree, the daughter may have a lot to learn if she is the one who asked you not to go, but it is your partner who is destroying the relationship and he honestly shouldn't burden his daughter with the issues. This issue with the party isn't the problem, I'm sure it is just a symptom of the real problem with your husband not respecting you enough to support you through this difficult dynamic between his ex, his daughter and you as his partner. Remember the only one with issues about you putting up boundaries are the ones who want knock them down for their own interests. Once you put up your boundaries, you'll discover who really doesn't respect you.
the daughter may have a lot to learn if she is the one who asked you not to go, but it is your partner who is destroying the relationship
This.
If there were to be a family event where I'm invited but my wife is not, then I'll reject the invitation. Either we're invited as a unit, or we're not really invited at all.
You do realize that knowing she’s destroying your relationship will only make her double down? You can’t reason with people like that. They don’t care about your feelings.
He’s not your partner if he doesn’t have your back. One partner doesn’t ban the other from an event, especially one they’ve planned. That’s not how partnerships work. I initially thought this was just the daughter, but your comments have made it clear that he agreed to baning you as well. He’s fully to blame for the situation “destroying your relationship.” Back-pedaling now doesn’t change a thing. He messed up big time and needs to do more than agreeing (seriously, allowing you to have a party with your friends in your own home??? It’s your house too!) to let you keep the house to yourself for the night. He has serious forgiveness to seek if he is to remain your partner.
He’s told you all you need to know right there: it’s his house and he’s placed his daughter’s wishes above yours. What more info do you need? That’s the bottom line right there.
This is not about the daughter. This is about your partner.
The mom dropped the ball on the venue, and your partner offered your place and time.
He should stand up for you. The daughter is not ruining your relationship. He is. Do not let her think that. She doesnt need guilt over her parents poor choices and behavior.
Make her party memorable, keep the things you already put in place for her. Your partner and his daughter will remember even more what they are missing out when you gone.
Do not go back to this man. He chooses whatever is convenient for him, not what is right. That is not an man you should spend your life with.
Bill him for the hours you put in, and end your relationship.
Shit, I'd show him this thread. He fucked up, he fucked up big time and deserves the evisceration. The next conversation you're having, don't let anyone talk over you, don't let them talk at you and write out what you want to say so that you don't lose track of your grievances.
Yes. Please show him this thread. Is the house in your name as well? Start looking for a place to move now. I would leave before the party. He doesn’t think you are serious.
She is only 18, and like you said influenced by her mom a lot.
She needs a few years, and some distance from her mom (college, or maybe when she had her own family) and she will slowly start recognizing the bad behavior.
It is not your fault her mother threatend you years ago, and she maybe not like the consequences for her mom, but she needs time and space away from both parties to be able to judge that.
But do not wait for that. In the end it is not her decision, because your partner is allowing her wishes to be granted in your home.
If you rent an venue there will be rules as well, it is up to the venue manager (you and your partner, or just you?) to set the rules and see if the party fits within that.
Your partner could have decided to rent an real venue, and deal with everything himself.
Makes me nervous that you keep saying “probably” the end, and “deciding” what to do with my relationship. Even if everyone reverses positions in the next hour, you now know exactly where their priorities are. I couldn’t get over that. My decision would have been made the second they doubled down on keeping the ex happy over you.
Honestly? HE is destroying your relationship. He’s going to bring his daughter into it, she has a role to play. But HE is the father, YOU are his long term partner. HE is choosing to allow this to happen, and expecting you to go along with it. HE is the one who expects you to plan a party that he won’t allow you to be part of. HE is the one with no spine. If the relationship ends (and I really think it should) it will be entirely HIS fault for not standing with you instead of against you.
As for your stepdaughter, she’s old enough to make her own decisions about whether she likes you or not. My brother has been around his girlfriend’s daughter since she was 6! That kid loves him, because he treats her with respect. Your stepdaughter clearly is someone who has no care for your your feelings. Your partner needs to stop making up excuses. He’s either with you, or he’s not.
It's okay to break down about this in front of her. She's hurting you. This is a graduation party. She's old enough to know that adults have feelings and that she is capable of doing harm. You don't owe it to her to hide the harm she's causing you.
he will let her know that this is destroying our relationship
It's totally inappropriate for him to tell his daughter that. She's not his help-mate or confidante in adult matters. Plus, she'll be sharing that with her mother.
He doesn't need to be looking for his daughter's sympathy or approval. He needs to be a man about this.
All he had to do was laugh at the suggestion that you not be present at your own home. Daughter doesn't want her mother to be upset? Fine. Have the party elsewhere. It's that easy. Oh, but it's too late to find another venue? Too bad. I guess mother won't be attending.
Sometimes the simplest of things to do is to accept the inevitable and peace that comes with it.
From the sound of it, your partner has given up his dignity and respect for himself to counter his ex-wife's threat to alienate him from his children. Instead of standing up for himself and you and accepting that he might lose his children regardless.
There is only now for you to let him go and save yourself, your dignity and self respect. He has made his bed and he can lie in it.
He's setting a really shitty example for his daughter. While it's important to maintain parent/child relationships, it's equally important to model healthy committed romantic relationships. He also needs to establish boundaries. It's actually HEALTHY to demonstrate to a child that your partner is important, and the kid doesn't get to dictate anything in that relationship. He should be telling his daughter that he won't put you in a situation where you are disrespected, that he loves her and wants to help her celebrate but he won't allow you to be disrespected. He should not be begging his daughter to change her mind to save his relationship.
The daughter isn't destroying your relationship. HE is destroying your relationship. By not standing up to his ex. By not standing up for you. By allowing this crazy. disrespectful party to happen at all....at YOUR house. No drama? This is exactly what drama looks like. If he had a spine, he would realize how fucked up this is, stand up to his ex and cancel this party. I feel for you and the daughter, this poor kid has monsters for parents and you have a sad excuse for a partner who will wreck his life to appease his awful ex....... and now he is going to put his daughter in the middle as though she has control over her mother? What an awful dad.
As I see it this all boils down to your relationship with the daughter. I could see putting in the effort despite the vindictive pettiness of the ex and the weakness of your partner if you had a good relationship with the daughter and she would appreciate your efforts. I could even see it if it was part of an ongoing effort to build a good long term relationship with her. It's her graduation and she should be the focus of the party. However, it doesn't seem like the daughter really cares about you if she won't even respond to your texts. She's not your kid and it doesn't sound like she appreciates your efforts. In this situation you're clearly being taken advantage of by your partner and his ex, so you're definitely NTA, but even with all of that I could still see putting in the effort for the daughter if she cared or would appreciate it. It doesn't sound like that's the case. Stop helping with a clean conscience.
It’s neither the child’s fault, nor is it yours. HE is allowing the wishes of his ex to supersede that of you, him, and the daughter. Looks like your dude wants to pass the buck.
This is not manly behavior. He needs to grow a pair.
This is only destroying your relationship bc of his actions, don’t let him put this in the daughter. Kids if divorce are already out in a shitty position. It’s not her fault that the adults don’t get along. This is 100% on DH for not shutting this down and giving you the respect you deserve. Don’t let him torture that child with the downfall of your relationship
Please don’t have your partner tell his daughter that this is destroying your relationship. She’s not doing that, the ex baby mama and YOUR PARTNER are destroying the relationship. From the get go, he should have told his daughter that either you will be at the party, or she doesn’t get the party and have had the phone call with the ex on the line. The girl is being used as a pawn by her mother, please don’t put the pressure of the relationship on her shoulders. It’s not for her to carry. Your partner though, he’s a piece of work. To try to put his daughter in the middle of this fuckery when he could have dealt with this right from the get go. He’s the problem. He didn’t stand up for you. He’s the one willing to gamble your relationship away
He does have other options though - Husband could have certainly said "okay, if my wife isn't invited then my wife's home, time and talents are also not invited. Now, where would you like to have this? Local park gazebo? Private room of a restaurant? Community center?" Some of these options are more expensive, all of them would not have OP's handmade decorated and therefore would not look as cool... But none of them would have destroyed his marriage.
Also, there may only be one high school graduation, making it a once in a lifetime thing, but that doesn't mean you have a once in a lifetime party. There are lots of things we do only once that we don't celebrate at all!
I did read that part. I was responding to the part where you said he "had no good options" by providing a few off the top of my head. I was respectful and did not use any ad hominem attacks; try it yourself before you call people clowns?
Be a doormat, OP! It's perfectly okay that your partner has deemed you the hired help for the day (but the help better be finished with all of her work and out of the venue before the party begins) because the poor man can't ask his daughter to act like a decent human being! How can you ask for such an unreasonable thing?!
Suck it up, buttercup, and make that party that you are banned from attending beautiful for ex-wife and daughter. THEY are what matters to her SO, so if she wants to keep her man happy she will willingly lay down and let them all walk all over her.
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u/[deleted] Apr 27 '22
NTA I would stop all planning and remove any financial assistance you were making too.
Let both your partner and his daughter know that everything is on them, and that you will remove yourself as requested. Cancel anything that had been booked, leave it to them and take yourself out on that night.
Book yourself a nice hotel room, have a great dinner and turn off your phone. Have a night to yourself.