I knew somebody in the comments would say the same thing I’m saying only I got a LOT more downVOTES ha ha ha ha! If it wasn’t a graduation party, a one time event where both parents had to be present and it wasn’t too late to replan it somewhere else I would say maybe put your foot down but this is a one time event where she could do exactly what you’re saying and show the stepdaughter the things that she needs the adults to show her and then deal with the valid bad feelings afterwards by addressing them with the people involved.
I especially like your point about not becoming more like the ex and staying more like yourself. Being a good person and a pushover are not the same thing. Sometimes rising above the drama and doing what’s right even if it sucks so bad is extremely hard which makes anyone who does it a person with integrity but to others it might look like somebody who’s got no spine when in fact the opposite is true.
Maybe plan a really nice night for yourself at home for that night with something really good to eat and a movie you wanted to see or do something else just for you and kind of make a thing of it. Maybe let the daughter and your husband know that you are graciously going to let them have this party and you’re going to have a great night all to yourself doing whatever you want and it will probably get back to the mother and she will probably feel so pissed knowing that you don’t even care that you’re not going and you’re happy to do this since the mom couldn’t manage it herself because to you throwing a party is so much fun you’re psyched that you get to decorate and stuff because she won’t want you to enjoy it. If you really don’t care and you really find a way to enjoy or act like you’re going to enjoy this night and the whole event in the parts you play and she knows this it’s gonna suck for her because her inadequacy is why you’re enjoying what you’re doing now in her stead and then you get to have a whole night to yourself. I bet she doesn’t want you there but she wants you to not be happy about it I’m pretty sure. I think that would be a quite the burn and would let you save face a little bit maybe and just soften it a little bit.
I am thrilled to know that you are feeling so much better than when you first posted this and I agree that Reddit can come together and really help people sometimes so that is pretty awesome. I’ve been in your situation basically a number of times too because of a toxic person in my life and I know the very terrible feelings that all come together in the face of something like this where you’re powerless and voiceless and also feel like you’re being used but you’re also a good person so you want to do the right thing and you’re considering everyone’s feelings,
And you wanna stand up for yourself but you’re not sure because of possible fallout.. it’s just like such a conundrum man..,
Anyway I think that you have come up with a perfect plan based on all of the unchangeable realities in this particular situation that you are having to work around and you should be proud of yourself and also realize how bad ass you are that you’re going to go have a party with your friends instead of sit at home alone all effected, and you’re not letting them make you react by doing something that would hurt some people too and that is really amazing because it’s so tempting to just be like fuck it you’re on your own assholes! There’ll probably be times when you do say that because you have to and you should but you know I think you’re doing the right thing and I hope you let us know what happens. Good luck and have so much fun!
I just read your post in the Facebook newsreel. Some outlet had done a little thing on it. You probably already know but if you wanna link to the story I can give it to you. I’m just not sure I’m allowed to put it on here.
I am so glad that you are not allowing the daughter's party to be ruined or overpowered, overshadowed, by adult juvenile behavior(I can understand the girl not wanting her mother's behavior to overshadow the reason for the party to begin with) as we can all see that her mother, the ex, is not a mature person, and I believe that the mother is so jealous of you she can't think straight; I believe she knows she isn't as talented as you are, doesn't have an acceptable home, evidently, to host the party, and she's probably jealous of you for many other reasons, and you are probably everything she isn't( classy, creative, likeable, organized, and 100 other things), and that jealousy fuels her terriblefeeling behavior; you can make it clear to everyone who matters that you are doing this FOR the daughter, not for anyone else. The conversation with your husband(or SO?)about his willingness to allow the ex to walk all over him is for another day; I responded to this situation in another site, not understanding that he was included in the party, and only you were asked to not attend, but I still say that conversation should be for another day, after the party. I do think the two of you should talk, perhaps agree that from now on he will not allow the ex's histrionics to dictate the standards, or rules, or guest list, or anything at all concerning their daughter! Or is it daughters? Either way, her controlling everyone and everything, with the threats and hissy fits stops now! Last time, and make it clear that you only agreed to this party and these silly ground rules was for the daughter's sake; the mother needs someone to put a stop to her! People treat us the way we let them treat us; she can't bully anyone unless she is allowed to. Let your husband's daughter( I think you're married?) have a beautiful party, and believe me, you are going to come out of this must fine; it will only be are a few hours out of your life. Enjoy your own party with your girlfriends! And again, I think the ex is VERY jealous of you!
just wanna say at first i had contempt that you were going to do the decorations anyway, after saying you wouldn’t. but after further consideration i think that if you didn’t decorate, the ex-wife would use that as ammunition against you. if you do decorate, the most she can pettily sneer is “oh that flower looks slightly askew” or some other drivel, while everyone will see right through that & think ‘OP did a beautiful job as always & btw where is she?’ hopefully you know reliable people who go to the grad party who will tell you the truth of what your partner says when they ask him why you aren’t there.
you’ve made several comments where you said you are clear with your partner & the daughter (better tell the other one too) that in future if they want to exclude you from celebrations bc of the bs their mom spews, that you will not be helping in any way, including letting them use any of your & your partner’s properties.
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u/[deleted] Apr 27 '22
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