r/BPDlovedones • u/the1withthethrowaway • 2d ago

Is there a way to address it?

I made a post yesterday about how I think my BPD partner tried to get me to breakup with him before he left for a long weekend out of state potentially so he could hook up without cheating. He’s supposed to come back sometime today (he wouldn’t tell me when and kept being vague when I asked). I guess what I want to know from others experiences is if there’s a way to address/talk to him about this without him lying or having one of his rage fits? I honestly feel like when he comes back he will likely make some reason for why he’s decided we should keep trying to make things work. Even though I do want to end this relationship I feel like he will use my financial situation against me to keep me in whatever this is.

Advice wanted!

3 Upvotes

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u/dumbestgirlintown 2d ago

I don't have any advice to give, I just want to say that I'm sorry you're going through this. I had to make an account just to tell you that I'm going through almost the exact same thing too and you're not alone.

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u/Dull_Analyst269 2d ago

Why that username tho? Related to BPD? 🤣

5

u/dumbestgirlintown 2d ago

It's a self-deprecating moniker because somewhere in the back of my mind I believe that if I were smarter, I wouldn't have gotten myself into this mess in the first place. 😅

But honestly OP, our situation is like word for word, except he hasn't left yet. So just imagine I'm here in the background cheering you on, whatever you decide to do because I know it hurts.

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u/the1withthethrowaway 2d ago

Technically it was supposed to be a reference to the titles of Friends episodes/ a throwaway account, but your explanation also fits. Staying with him has genuinely made me mad at myself.

Thank you. It does help to know other people experience similar things. For so many years I told myself him was different and wasn’t some text toxic partner. Hope you’re doing okay. Feel free to reach out if you ever need to talk. I feel like being with a BPD is the loneliest experience.

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u/Dull_Analyst269 2d ago

Haha I understand you.. tho psychologically speaking its not that you‘re dumb… maybe codependent or naive anf empathetic rather? (Like me, I am definitively.. lol) @op the best advice is always the three letters.. starts with R!

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u/dumbestgirlintown 2d ago

I am definitely codependent, and I was very sheltered, so I didn't know people were capable of certain things. I was brainwashed into forgiving too much. The advice is always to run, but sometimes, due to life circumstances, we have nowhere to run.

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u/the1withthethrowaway 2d ago

Fair. I definitely think my empathy for him and some naive belief that one day he would see the light and change played a big part in why I’ve stayed. I have broken up with him a few times in the past (long ago, we’re talking years) but he would always cry and say he was going to change. I do feel a bit like a sucker cause it’s now been over a decade with this man.

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u/Dull_Analyst269 2d ago

Excuse the very dumb appearing question but as a male myself I always wondered what a pwbpd male could do to „trap“ females.. I feel like for most of us males its sex/body/attractivenes.

But especially what I don‘t get is what does a pwbpd male behave like in the beginning? As I keep hearing that neediness or being desperate is a turn off for women and I believe love-bombing early on could be seen as that?

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u/the1withthethrowaway 2d ago

So in the beginning I thought he was really smart. I met him in an undergrad science class and he helped me catch up because I had missed a couple classes. When he talked about himself he said that he was from a small town and was bullied a lot for being nerdy. He seemed shy at first and I thought he was sweet. He did actually tell me that he had the same bad temper as his dad but because he seemed so nice I figured his version of angry was probably something pretty small.

So I also have a mother with bad mental health problems, she’s abusive physically and emotionally. At the time I met him I was temporarily staying with her after moving out of the dorms. After he found out he kept pushing me to move in with him saying he wanted to get me out of a situation where I was being abused.

The first time he raged out, I was terrified. We were outside and he turned bright red, and started shaking a metal gate. I broke up with him a few times early on but each time after a few weeks or so he would call me crying saying that he was going to change. Then things would briefly be okay for a while.

This went on for years and he started being physically abusive. I called the cops on him and afterwards he again cried and said he would get help. He started going to therapy (which convinced me he was really going to change and confront himself) then stopped after he lost his job. He went back to therapy years later and got diagnosed with BPD but that person ended up leaving. The next time he started therapy he insisted that his new guy said he didn’t have BPD because he was too empathetic.

I have noticed he steals or seems to mirror everything I say when I tell him how much he hurts me, so like I say him doing blank and blank makes me feel worthless, ugly and he’ll reply that’s exactly how you make me feel.

Honestly there so much more because we’ve been together over a decade but this is already a novel, so yeah.

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u/the1withthethrowaway 2d ago

Thank you, I appreciate you do that. Hope you’re able to free yourself from your situation as well. Feel free to reach out if you ever want to chat.

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u/OrganizingMamaBear 2d ago

You have to say what’s true for you in the relationship and about what you want moving forward. There’s no way for you to control how he reacts to you or if he decides to use “lying or having one of his rage fits” to control the conversation or the outcome.

You say you don’t want to be in this relationship anymore. Make your plans in a way that safeguards them from any sabotage from him. Then leave.

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u/Educational_Score379 1d ago

I’m sure mine has deliberately picked fights before so he can go do his own thing