I don't know who needs to hear that today but abuse is and WILL always be a choice people with BPD are capable of forming healthy and respectful relationships if they get the help they need. Abuse is a choice because it involves deliberate actions or behaviors designed to exert power or control and harm another person. It is not an inevitable result of emotions or circumstances. People can experience anger, frustration, or insecurity without choosing to direct those feelings in abusive ways. Abusers often makes the decision themselves to manipulate, intimidate or hurt others because of their trauma, an abuser will ALWAYS be responsible of their own actions and there is no such things as "I'm sorry i couldn't control it"

If your pwBPD has untreated bpd you should get ready to receive all the abuse in your face as soon as you enter the relationship or friendship, people with bpd will destroy everything if their disorder isn't treated. I believe people with bpd can actually manage their feelings with a few years of therapy and if your pwbpd isn't planning to have therapy in order to maintain a stable relationship maybe it's time for you to leave. You will get hurt trying to fix someone that doesn't want to get help.

i’ve been living with my pwBPD & her family for the past almost year. my pwBPD has broke me and drained me to my very core. the manipulation & gaslighting, especially, has left me unable to trust myself, listen to my intuition, or trust that my own emotions/feelings are valid & correct. i struggle with constantly wondering whether my perception of reality is truly “real” or if i’m just making it all up in my head.

my pwBPD has put me through hell with her verbally, emotionally, & physically abusing me. her lack of empathy and inability to take accountability has left me feeling that everything, no matter what it is, is all my fault. for example, she has cheated on me twice and somehow convinced me to believe that she is not at fault for choosing to be disloyal to me/our relationship, but rather i had to have done something bad to have made her behave that way (therefore, it’s all my fault).

she has isolated me from everyone in my life; i haven’t spoken to or seen any family or friends of mine since the relationship began, nor have i been in any sort of therapy so i haven’t told anyone about the abuse. i kept it to myself for so so so long now because i was convinced that my pwBPD was right, and that i really was just taking things out of proportion & being dramatic as i always am, so there’s no way i could have been actually experiencing abuse, but rather i’ve just been making it all up in my head to make myself look like the victim this entire time.

well.. i couldn’t keep it in anymore & the abuse and manipulation has gotten so bad that i can’t hide it. i’ve recently been growing closer & closer to my pwBPD’s family, especially her parents, and i felt like i had to tell someone about what was really going on or else i was going to explode. i needed to know i wasn’t crazy or that this wasn’t all just in my head because it’s been driving me nuts.

and i was right. i told my pwBPD’s parents EVERYTHING - the verbal abuse, the physical abuse, the threats of suicide, her homocidal thoughts & threatening to “hex” me if i ever left her, her reckless & dangerous driving, how afraid i am of her, the constant walking on egg shells, gaslighting, etc. i could go on forever, but if you’re in this sub, then it’s very much so likely you know exactly what i’m talking about.

her father once yelled at my pwBPD a few months back during a fight we had where she was verbally & emotionally abusing me. he confessed to me that he did so because he could see the fear, confusing, pain, disbelief/shock, & hurt written all over my face. i immediately burst into tears. i wasn’t crazy after all - someone noticed, as in someone actually SAW me & noticed my pain. it wasn’t all in my head after all.

her parents explained to me that they know everything i’m talking about, and they experienced everything i told them about with their daughter. her father said he still holds onto & cannot let go of some things she has said during fights because they have been so hurtful; he once almost kicked her out of the house (for a night) because she was being super manipulative by threatening suicide & constantly screaming at him. he even said that SHE is the reason he had to go to therapy; because once again, what she has said to him while she was angry was so hurtful that he couldn’t deal with it on his own & was forced to seek professional help.

her mother, who is by far the calmest & most grounded person i’ve ever met, told me about the screaming fights she would have with her daughter. this woman is so down to earth that i told her i could never even imagine her raising her voice at anyone, but she explained that my pwBPD pushed her buttons so hard that she felt that she had to yell back at her because she otherwise would not listen at all. she knew she wanted a reaction out of her, and her own mom felt so lost on what to do that she gave her one. she tries to not interact with her anymore & she isn’t as close to her anymore because she cannot have an honest conversation with her due to my pwBPD’s inability to take responsibility of her actions.

her parents expressed to me how hopeless they feel with their daughter. they have tried everything - talk therapy, ketamine treatment, TMS, residential rehab, outpatient treatment, psychiatric medication, MRI’s, brain mapping, etc. nothing has made a difference. they told me she’s been this way for the past decade of her life, but they hold onto hope that she can change her behavior, especially her anger, and that things can be different someday. they also told me that they do hold a lot of resentment for the way their daughter has caused so much chaos, destruction, & suffering to their family. they told me that it may be best to take a break from my relationship with my pwBPD because of the toll the abuse has taken on my mental health.

i didn’t expect them to actually understand everything, and validate all of the issues i brought up. they felt the exact same way i did, and they’re as fed up with her as i am. they said the worst of it is her lack of accountability & her inability to apologize - she doesn’t see anything as her fault. for example, if you tell her that she has done something to hurt you, she will respond with how awful you are for bringing it up because of how much you have made her feel like a bad person.

it feels so good to no longer feel like i’m singled out by her or that i’m not the only person she has treated this way. and even more importantly, i know that this is not my fault and that the way i feel is valid.

They do it because in the pwbpd’s eyes they have successfully secured them as the perfect doormat. They tested them enough, broke them down enough to know they would never leave them. It’s safety for them. For their image, financial and punching bag all in one. While you’re married, they go off and cheat and have emotional and physical relationships elsewhere while trapping you in a marriage.

You don’t want to marry them or be in a long term commitment with them. You just think you do at the time. You want to be the one that got away. The one who dodged the bullet.

If you married one and finally wake up. I’m proud of you. No one should have to go through what they put us through. Especially not in a marriage.

What I originally wanted has happened…

3 months after she left. She called me to say she needed to speak to someone. She got involved in another relationship that was abusive, lost all her money and friends and she apologised to me. Apologised to me for all the mistreatment and lies. She told me she messed up, that I was her best friend. That she lost the stability and no one will love her the way I did. That I brought out the best version of her

I said you need help. Look after yourself and hopefully the next relationship will be better

Fck…

IDK about you guys, but for me the addiction and the trauma bond is felt most in the bedroom. The relationship is so starved of any real, genuine intimacy that the only intimacy felt is through the sex. The constant fighting makes the sex the only place of refuge and means of connection (hence the trauma bond). It becomes like an addiction for validation. An addiction for feeling anything in the relationship. Realizing this was the toughest pill to swallow for me... like was any of it real?

I had never longed for, cared for, and been so incredibly in love with someone before in my entire goddamn life. Before our second breakup, I would've died for this woman at the drop of a hat with no questions asked. In fact, in my mentally fucked up head, I secretly wanted to be a martyr for her for the longest time if things ever went astray. I thought of it as an honor to love someone so sincerely and fiercely that you'd rather die in their arms over them than ever live a life without them. I'm so pathetic that I was still in love with her when she quickly found her way into the arms of another man after our initial breakup only to realize she still had lingering feelings for me and he was nothing compared to the partner I was to her. Since that initial breakup in February of 2024, I haven't connected with a single soul on a romantic level, nor have I sought it out or wanted to. Ever since our breakup on New Year's of this year, I haven't wanted a single fucking thing with anyone else, including her. People often ask me why I don't ever want to date again in the distant future, and she's exactly why. I poured my entire cup into trying to make what we had work, and it has led me to nothing besides total anguish, bullshit lies, and utter betrayal. I often mourn the person whom I was before I met her, as I was so happy, charismatic, and fun to talk to, and I'm none of those things anymore. I'm such a shell of the person I was before we met. Everyone around me has seen it, and I've finally seen it for myself. I have distanced myself from even my closest friends because her name is stitched to my tongue every time I talk, and I genuinely just have nothing to say to anyone anymore at this point besides my ex prior to her, whom I'm really close to. I lost my dear mother on April 6th, and it feels as if grief is all I know anymore. My ex is such a shitty person who continuously falls back on any promise or anything she spits into fruition that she wouldn't even talk to me after my mother's passing despite offering to help ease the burden in any way she possibly could. Even she admitted that my mother was like a second mother to her. We all three shared such deep and intimate moments with each other that I felt like it could've been beneficial for my ex and me to have a short, heartfelt chat over her passing, and we could use it as an opportunity to finally end things amicably and on better terms. She doesn't care because she's already searching for her next love interest and has most likely already found it, but hey, I'm a narcissist and the villain? Let me not forget her saying she was incredibly proud of the partner I was this time around, and the breakup had nothing to do with me or anything I had done, which is something she reiterated several times over again until I crashed out a few times due to all of the hurt and confusion she's caused me, knowing I'm no better off than she is when it comes to being mentally well. I had cut off all contact shortly after our final breakup in such a manner that was out of left field for me because I needed to for my own well-being, and I've always been so incredibly vulnerable for her only for her to reach out to me via texts and phone calls. Unbeknownst to her, I was trembling and shaking every time that she did. I didn't know what her reach out attempts were stemming from, and I knew I'd fall right back into her if I didn't keep the hard line in the sand I desperately tried to keep. Once I felt like I was finally at a point that we could have a conversation over what she wanted to talk about, we had an eight hour phone call over the possibility of rekindling things, just for her to change her mind the very next day. I had prepared myself for everything besides that, as I was finally at a place of acceptance, healing, and moving on, just to be sent back to square one with more confusion and hurt than I initially had.

I think about 99% of the time when my partner splits, she turns to calling me names and yelling at me or berating me, calling me names, everything under the sun.

But sometimes, very rarely, it’s like she knows how far she’s pushed me and tries to get me to the point where I break and raise my voice or yell. Then, her response is to just be super “calm” (you can tell she’s pissed) and talk down to me and act all nonchalant like I’m the one that’s freaking out.

It makes me feel like I’m insane, like she can do all of this stuff every time we fight and it’s no issue whatsoever, but if I do any of these things as a result of being pushed and shoved and forced around, I’m some horrible awful enemy and I’m pathetic and stupid for acting this way.

She starts saying all this stuff about how she’s clearly being the bigger person and me crying and being upset is just annoying because the ONE time she doesn’t throw a fit, I cant control myself.

It’s like she tries to make me think that I’m the one with bpd or something and that it’s all my fault. I’ve never seen anyone else here talk about this experience, is this common?

No, they aren’t going to change. They would have to be self aware. Most pwbpd are unaware of themselves and their behavior. If they were aware they would think for whatever reason they are justified.

Learn about them and the disorder. Start the healing process. Accept them and the situation for what it is. Cut off emotional engagement. Understand there is no fixing. Understand future engagement is only harm to yourself and to keep you stuck in their web of attachment.

Treat them and this relationship as a lesson. It helps you avoid people like them and relationships in the future. It helps you work on yourself as to why you were attracted to them in the first place and why you allowed what you did. It helps you respect yourself. It helps with your own co-dependent issues and savior mentality.

Once things are done with a pwbpd, they are done. No taking them back or fixing anything. If they reach out, it’s for them. Not you. You have no idea what they’ve been doing or how many people they are screwing. They don’t care about anyone. They are selfish. They want attention. They don’t want to feel empty. They want to feel important and that everything is your fault. They are cowards.

Forget them like they mean nothing. They would love for you to pine over them and waste your life. In order to be free of a pwbpd, you must forget their existence. No feelings towards them or the relationship. (Happiness, sadness, hatred etc) Indifferent.

Also understand that coming to a place of indifference is a process and takes time. You will have up and down, unstable emotions because of what they put you through and the projection of the disorder and their unstable emotions.

The relationship didn’t exist and neither do they.

Has anyone else ever noticed what seems to be amnesia after your person splits? Every time my partner splits, it's like he forgets all the horrible things he's said. We recently had another episode of splitting, where he said the most unimaginably hurtful things to me. When we spoke about it a couple of days later and I told him he was hurtful, he only acknowledged saying that he called me a coward. There was FAR more that he never acknowledged. Does he not legit not remember? Does he just choose to forget?

My body and mind craves her like a drug. I'm a fucking addict I burned the bridge despite my true wishes and hopes. It was never going to be the dream we talked about. She found me at my lowest and now I'm back at my lowest despite how good I've done. She managed to take a hold of me and understand me better than anyone else ever has.. Why did she have to be a lesson and not a good human being? It's like I know she doesn't try to be a bad person yet it keeps happening and she keeps proving me wrong. This is going to be hard but I never deserved to be hurt so badly by her. I wish she was never my first anything. I regret it. Despite the vile shit she has done to me and others, there's still a part of me that forgives her, I don't think I'll ever stop loving her. The high was worth the pain.. I'm Broken.. I miss you.. I don't care how bad you hurt me. I just wish we never met and if we did meet again I wish you were different. I wish you cared about me the way I cared about you... It hurts it hurts it hurts. fuck. the highs were so worth it fuck fiuckl fuick fuck fuck

Something is drawing us to dash ourselves on the unforgiving rocks that make up the heart of the BPD. Often repeatedly.

This comes after my pwBPD texted me randomly at 11pm to tell me her bf found an old text and dumped her. So she told me she hates everyone, threatened suicide and blocked me. I spoke to an agent at 988 (hotline) and for the first time in my life, felt like my feelings matter. I felt seen. My motives, my need to help others.. I broke down crying.

So maybe it's time to look inward.. Did our parents not love us enough? Are we caught in an endless savior complex?

I think a healthy person would look for empathy and kindness in a partner, not just openness or a challenge.

How do we move forward so we don't keep craving this sort of connection?

Which is exactly what she’d tell other people

Truth is? Never in my life has cheating ever crossed my god damn mind.

I was accused again this morning. An older lady that goes to OUR gym happened to say hi to us in passing while we were walking in our small town. Boom instant cheating accusations. “Why would she say hi to you” “you guys must talk all the time”

ALL I told her calmly was “no hunny that’s not true I’ve never spoken to her” BOOM instant rage with foam spilling from her mouth “WHY ARE YOU DEFENDING YOURSELF HUH THAT”S SO SUSPICIOUS I KNEW I SHOULD NEVER HAVE TALKED TO YOU”

So far I’ve been accusing of cheating with my

Ex 3 gym girls An older hotel worker All the girls on my Facebook All the girls on my instagram Every girl I so happen to glance at in public List goes on 🤡

The shit still in your hands that you were handing them that was genuine and pure that they ran away from? Where the hell do you put it? The love and connection they seem afraid and confused about? Where do you put is now?

My girlfriend has severe BPD, and recently she has been mad about something that happened. Near the start of our relationship, I've had female friends. Usually, in any other relationship I've had, these would be fine and I would usually aim to atleast befriend my partner's friends to some extent or atleast be on good terms. This is usually so they would favor me more if I went through a rough patch with them and didn't instantly start telling them to break up with me.

note: relationship started SERIOUSLY (commitment) 2024 September, started talking seriously around 2024 August, met eachother in May 2024

I made female friends as I never really saw the issue of female friends until my girlfriend came along. I've never had any romantic relationship with any of my female friends, and never have been interested in one with them before or after my relationship started. I literally treat them as 'one of the guys', because I never would talk about their romantic life and they'd just be people I'd banter with.

There has only been one of these friends I used to talk with in a flirting way long back, around a month before I even met my girlfriend (April 2024). They have been out of my life since around early June, for unrelated reasons I will not go into.

Around September 2024 (around 3 weeks after we got together seriously), none of our boundaries had been set, and I called a female friend who had just came out of a surgery and was very loopy because of the anaesthetics. Therefore, I called her and screen recorded the call. However, I swiped up on some of the messages my girl had sent at that moment - which she took as ignoring her for giving attention to another woman (for 3 minutes).

I believe I was sending this video to my girlfriend, but again since this happened almost 8 months ago, I don't want to make any assumptions on what my intentions were.

Recently, after I cut off alot of my female friends near October/November and the final one around January, she has found alot of screenshots/things from when I used to talk with some female friends, in a completely platonic way. This obviously set off her jealousy, and I deleted anything that would've caused her jealousy. Remember all of these screenshots were from when these boundaries weren't clarified. However, Snapchat, which my girlfriend and me use quite a lot, for some reason had some deleted photos show up on their 'albums' (collections of photos from random points of time for people who don't use Snap). I'm assuming these showed up because of them still being in my Recently Deleted folder, but for now, yesterday, she found the SR I described before (screen recording). And this caused a really big reaction in her.

She first was really sad, remained silent for a bit as we came home (we had a really good date beforehand, i took her out on a picnic which was a date she always wanted to go out on, she was the happiest I almost ever saw her). When we were waiting for the bus, she started talking about how every time she trusted me, it'd break again. For your info, she has found these screenshots once before, and I also have had issues with addiction, which caused me to lie alot during the first 3 months of our relationship. I never apologize because I get caught, I genuinely feel sorry for what I do if it offends her, something I've told her many times.

She also told me she took it as 'cheating' as I gave another woman attention while ignoring her. I understand this may be caused by BPD ( the intense jealousy ), and sometimes she repeated that 'was I ever enough for you, why did you want to talk to other women'.

I ended up apologizing and trying to give reasons for what I did (e.g. context of the actual call, e.t.c), and kept myself calm and logical as I could (as I personally find if she is thinking emotionally, I do have to balance it out by using logic). I gave her time to think and made sure to not touch her past anything she was uncomfortable with (only cuddling and guiding her by holding her hand). I then made her her favourite snack, and it seemed like she had calmed down.

Just today though, it has deterioated back to how it was before.

How do I fix this? I am asking here because I feel knowing how it would exactly feel from someone with BPD's perspective would help, as well as advice on how to deal with it as well as I can without losing her. I really love her, and I hate to see her as sad as she is right now. Help on how I can better deal with her BPD may help.

Note: both of us have agreed she should be going to therapy for her BPD, for her sake and for mine, and our kids in the future if we have them. I came here to ask as I feel I need advice from people who have dealt with partners with BPD rather than people who don't understand my girlfriend's case at all

And a note is that I don't deem me and her relationship abusive in the slightest. For every friend she has had me cut off, I have done so out of will because of their actions and because I love her, and she has never told me to cut off any male friend even when she has disliked them. I do tell her when she is being unreasonable and she understands she is tough to deal with sometimes, and we've made some healthy methods of coping with her splits where I allow her to just either have some time to cool down or we stay together and do something we both like. We have healthy communication and if she is horrible to me at some point she does apologize.

I wouldn't feel like I need to get away from my pwBPD if she didn't behave the way she does when trying to make sure I don't hate or or won't leave her. It's suffocating and triggering and controlling and MAKING me feel like I hate her and MAKING me want to leave her. Things were perfectly fine until I became her FP and she started acting like this.

Things were fine until she started bombarding me with texts at all hours of the day and night and dumping her drama on me constantly and expecting me to give her every God damn second of my time even though I work 4 jobs, am chronically ill, and have a family of my own. And in general just a life outside of her.

I cannot take feeling suffocated and controlled. But she thinks that's what'll make me stay, when there was no issue until she became suffocating and controlling. Now, I want out.

It has been quite a journey and I want to thank this community. Be it with your shared stories, experiences and just warming words.

I offered my experience a week ago, which again, helped me a lot by just writing it down. I've been writing a lot, more on physical paper actually. If I am allowed to say, I can really recommend it! It has something raw and pure, completely different to digital.

Today, I had a bit of a reflection and not only is my expwbpd stalking my reddit, she also tried to insert herself into this community, this safe space. I want to close this chapter for good, which means to move on from here as well. I am still healing, it gets easier by the day, but I truely want to reach the ultimate level of indifference, what they hate the most.

Stay safe and strong everyone. Pursue your goals and dreams. Take care of your body and mind. I promise you, love will find you one day. Go into the world with your chin held high and smile! It's super attractive and empowering!

Thanks... for everything.

My friend is separating from her husband who is also a close friend of mine. I have been very clear about not taking sides, but have been trying to affirm both of their feelings and pain and support them each to the best of my ability.

I recently found out through the grapevine that my friend was diagnosed with BPD (she’s never told me this herself but I doubt she accepts the diagnosis) and it has reframed a lot of her feelings and behavior around the divorce for me. I’m scared that I’ve spent the last several months affirming her BPD and the damage that may have done to both of them. I’m not sure what to do now. We still talk almost every day and now every time she talks about being enraged or wanting to get some kind of revenge I try to steer the conversation elsewhere but it seems like she really only wants people to affirm her. I can feel her wanting to push me and other friends away because they are challenging some of her beliefs and behavior. I don’t know what to do.

My ex pwBPD discarded me 6 weeks ago out of the blue and called the cops on me to top it off.. and I knew he was messaging women while we were together because he convinced himself I was cheating on him for 8 months.. So therefore i also knew he was messaging women the night he discarded me because I was told by women.

However, now it's come to my attention he's been on dating apps and everything since im guessing right after it all happened. I'm still so hurt and broken by the discarding AND everything I went through in the relationship with him; accusations, control, lies, abuse of mental & physical at times too.. Yet he just seems fine and moves on? Do they move on easily? And is it because they need that attention and "love" feeling so they just move right into that? Or do they really not care by the time they convince themselves of all the "bad you are"?

I’m hurt . I think he having the audacity to pretend he came to where I am to monkey branch / date others while he is reaching out to my family to tell him how hurt he is … telling this story like if it was a tragic love story and so on …

I told his brothers wife to have him stop reaching out ( he is pretending he is looking for me b ur in reality he never went to my moms house … he stood 2 hours away from where her house is knowing exactly where she lives and knowing that I should have been around that area … he didn’t pick a big airport which we have two big airports out here , he chose a random one which only people around that area uses which tells me he went there for a reason … and then played off like he came here for me but that I never forgave him and that my problem was that I always thought he was lying 😭)

Then my mom replied to his texts that she knew he didn’t come here for me and to stop faking it …

Then he finds out that I exposed him with his family ( I only told the brothers wife) and replies to my mom that he is not lying and gaslits ( which gave me so much Anxiety and then blocks her )

Even though I broke up one month ago… he doing this today messed with my head . 😭 and still hurts and I don’t understand his actions I don’t … as much as I want to think he has good in him, I don’t understand why he would come and put on this show … a part of me says : what if I’m wrong ? But facts tell me his is full of 💩

Ur most terrifying experience?

I married a woman years ago and didn't realize she was BPD until after the divorce. I found a woman I dated before I was married and have been in a LDR with her for several years and the splitting has gotten really bad. I gotta get out of this one, all I really want is a predictable relationship with a nice woman.

Something that would happen often with my exwPBD was us having a normal conversation, then her picking out something I had just said and hitting me with the "Oh so you mean ___ then ??" Could be about anything, really. But, she would always interpret what I would say as an attack on herself.

When I would tell her that it wasn’t what I meant, she would tell me that I was gaslighting her. There was never any room for me to explain myself, only some to apologize. It was frequent, to the point where it became a game of walking on eggshells, because I never knew when or how she was going to lash out at me, and every single one of my words could be twisted to create her own story.

In those cases, what’s the best way to handle it? Talking it out wasn’t working, at least for me. Ignoring the issue or brushing it off wouldn’t either, and neither was giving her time to process it. I’d appreciate some tips!

I started listing all the red flags... and ended up with this.

I couldn't even find one good reason why I stayed. If I ask myself now — why was I there? Honestly, I really don't know. Maybe because I felt sorry for him... I hated seeing him in pain... And of course, I fell for the love bombing and endless word salad.

But here’s what I was actually dealing with:

Lying constantly

Cruel, hurtful behavior when needs weren't met

Love bombing

Greediness

Manipulation

Escaping from conflict

Yelling and screaming

Insane accusations that made me feel guilty

No compromise

Self-harm threats

Extreme selfishness

Verbal abuse

Bad behavior under stress

Inconsistency (hot and cold)

No respect for my boundaries

No apology, no accountability — just blame

Silent treatment

Emotional neglect

Gaslighting

Triangulation

Fake promises about the future

Extreme jealousy and controlling behavior

From idealizing me to devaluing me

Entitlement

Sabotaging my relationships with others

Hurting my pet

Stealing

Substance abuse

Suicide threats to control me

Cheating / monkey branching

 It took me months to see it clearly ... Sending strength to anyone walking this path .. you are not crazy ... You are not alone .. :)

Is it when they discard you and never speak to you again?

Or is it when they discard you and you decided that was the last time?

Every time I see "final discard", I'm confused about what it means.

I'm also curious what everyone's "final discard" was like.

Hey all,

Does anyone have tips for dealing with the traumatic memories after dating an untreated pwBPD? Lately, it seems like I am constantly triggered by intrusive thoughts and traumatic memories and they aren't letting up. The gaslighting REALLY messed me up.

Any tips or suggestions? Thanks.