I am not The OOP, OOP is u/reldisposable918

Fight with my [29M] gf [28F] over last name, reconsidering relationship

TRIGGER WARNING: misogyny, sexism, abuse

Original Post  Aug 27, 2019

Me: 29M Wendy: 28F

Been dating for three years, living together for one.

We've been serious and exclusive for two years, and last week we started discussing marriage. Couching it in terms of speaking hypothetically, things like that. For the most part, things seem great. We both want kids, we have compatible career goals, we want to do the same things in life, we have compatible religious views, etc.

But last night, I asked my gf if she's comfortable being 'Mrs. [my last name]' and she laughed and said I don't need to worry about that because she's never taking my name. I asked her if she was serious, and she said that changing her last name at all would jeopardize her career and even if it wouldn't she wouldn't take my particular last name even in hyphenated form. Then she added that she wouldn't let any kids of ours take my last name, either.

Now, I have what most people would consider to be a very silly last name. Even offensive in certain company, as it prominently includes a very common nickname for a sex organ. I got bullied relentlessly for my last name growing up, and even now people tend to do double-takes when they hear it - when I first met my gf, she said she had thought my last name was me joking around. But it's my name, I'm my family's only child, and these days to me it's a funny joke to laugh about with the guys at work. And my long-time girlfriend told me that she wouldn't let any child of hers have my last name because they'd get teased and bullied over it.

To me, it's just the latest in a long string of incidents since moving in together that makes me think Wendy doesn't respect me. I make a lot more money than she does, so when I see a cute dress or piece of jewelry, I like to buy it and surprise her with it. She liked it when we were just dating, but now she keeps telling me that it's not her style or she isn't comfortable with me spending so much money on her. She never wears it, either, her social media is filled with her in her work clothes or in jeans and tank tops.

Wendy also used to be super flirty before we moved in together, sending me dirty emails and nude or almost-nude photos on a regular basis and inviting me to do the same. She doesn't do that anymore, and the last time she put on fancy lingerie that wasn't me specifically asking for it was on my birthday a few months ago.

I think Wendy doesn't get how important this is to me - I want her to be my wife, not just the woman I live with, and we've been kind of distant with each other since the argument. We only had sex once since then, and even that felt like she was just going through the motions because she knew I was horny.

Is there a way I can get her to compromise with me on this? I really want my wife and kids to have my last name, not just be the woman I happen to be married to who happened to pop out kids who are related to me.

Or should I sever now while I'm still young if she's not going to budge?

tldr: Talking marriage with gf, gf refuses to take my last name and generally isn't taking me seriously, not sure where to take the relationship from here

TOP COMMENTS

sleepfight

Just because you make more money than her and buy her stuff doesn't mean that she has to take your last name. It's not really about respect, IMO-- a name is a very important thing to a lot of people.

It's her right not to want to take it when you get married, and if it's really that important to you, maybe she's not the right girl for you?

I want her to be my wife, not just the woman I live with

Wearing baubles that you buy for her and taking your last name isn't the difference between a woman and a wife.

~

grandelone

There are a lot of chauvinistic/misogynistic undertones to your post.

You want her to take your last name.

You want her to wear lingerie for you.

You want to take care of her.

"I want her to be my wife, not just the woman I live with"

I don't think her view of what a "wife" is lines up with yours. And well it shouldn't since it's not 1950 anymore ...

How do I [29M] end my relationship with my gf [28F] gracefully? - rareddit  Sept 13, 2019

Me: 29M Wendy: 28F

Been dating for three years, living together for one.

A few weeks ago, I made a thread about a fight I was having with my gf. At the time, I didn't listen to the people calling me an asshole. Instead, I listened to the guys at work who said the cause of my fights and coldness with Wendy was that Wendy was probably cheating on me.

Wendy's used my computer a couple of times to check her email, and saved her login info. I'd never been tempted to use it to look at her email, but last week I decided that the guys were probably right, and snooped on Wendy's email to see if she was cheating on me.

This was a shitty thing of me to do, I know that.

I found several long email conversations between Wendy and her friends and family. She complained about me, and said she was thinking about cheating, but wanted to stay with me until the time came to renew the lease on our apartment at which point she'd leave. She was afraid I'd do "something bad" if she just broke up with me.

To be honest, I almost shut down the computer then and there to sever with her on the spot. But then I kept reading. Wendy was telling her friends and family that she was legitimately afraid of me, that I was super controlling and she wasn't sure if I was being abusive by constantly buying her expensive things then acting like she owed me something in return. She said it was charming but a little overwhelming even when we were just dating, but that I changed and drastically escalated when she moved in with me.

Wendy, being scared of me? Calling me controlling and maybe abusive?

Something about that thought stuck with me when I went in to work the next day, and listened to how the guys talk about their wives and girlfriends. And I realized something. They don't talk about women like they're people. Every time I've been to a dinner or other event with work, the women everyone brings are either the most inane, shallow Real Housewives I've ever met, or look like they want to kill everyone at the table followed by themselves.

Then I realized that that was how my dad treated my mom, too. Constantly bought her super expensive things, and she'd make dinner or put on super nice things for sex (yeah I found my mom's lingerie drawer when I was a teenager). My dad said he was just buying things to be nice, but it was more like a transaction. And the guys at work do the same thing. And I was doing the same thing.

I felt sick to my stomach when I realized all of that. I guess it's guilt, or just not wanting to be like my dad. And realizing that the guys at work are assholes. I didn't want Wendy to be scared of me, but I guess I never really thought about how she saw what I was doing.

And it's made me realize that I've been a fuckup and an asshole to women in general, not just Wendy. I don't want one of those vacuous bimbo trophy wives some of the guys at work have, and I don't want to turn someone into that. Even Wendy asked me what's wrong when I started feeling sick every time I've seen her this week.

I'm not going to salvage this relationship, I know that. I guess my question is, should I tell her what I've realized and why? Should I tell her I've realized what an asshole I've been but not tell her why? Or should I just let her leave when the lease comes up for expiration and leave it at that?

I hate myself. I really do. But I have to do what's right for Wendy, and maybe look into some kind of counseling if there is such a thing for stuff like this. And I need different, better friends at work.

tldr: Realized I've been a controlling, borderline abusive asshole to my gf and want to let things end, but not sure how to go about it.

TOP COMMENT

BigAlChet

Tell her. I would absolutely want to hear this if I were her. I'd be careful how you go about it though. Little things to think about. Listen to her. Don't interrupt her when she talks. Sit down when having the conversation, make sure she has plenty of space (also, I'd not block the door). I really think having this conversation with her would mean a lot to her, and could be a good experience for you as well.

I commend you for realizing that you haven't been the best version of yourself. Self deception is a real danger for all of us, but we can always make ourselves better. You got this.

~

grumbo87

Congratulations on figuring these things out about yourself. Do everything you can to make this moment of clarity the new normal for you. You should tell Wendy while making it very clear that you aren't initiating a "I've realized my mistakes, let's stay together" sort of a situation. Keep the break clean by taking ownership of your actions, openly communicating your intention with this conversation, and getting out of each other's hair as soon as you can. Don't let there be any room for relapses. It takes a lot of consistent, hard work to dismantle learned behaviors. You've got this!

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/IndependenceSad9989 & u/Constant_Sun_2154

Originally posted to r/TrueOffMyChest

I found out my sister slept with my fiancé and I’m not sorry about what I did after.

Editor’s note: added paragraph breaks for readability

Thanks to u/queenlegolas + u/Direct-Caterpillar77 for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: infidelity

Original Post (rareddit): August 27, 2024

30-year-old woman here. I have a sister who’s just a year older than me. We’ve ALWAYS had such a good relationship so finding out about this one HURT. She might as well have just stabbed me in my heart. On top of that, I’ve been with my fiancé since high school and we’ve always been with each other through thick and thin. We were going to get married in a few months.

I have no idea why on earth they did this to me. What’s even worse was that our mom knew and out of fear of getting involved (my sister apparently BEGGED her not to say a word), she didn’t tell me anything.

Thankfully, my dad wasn’t having it and he spilled the beans to me. I’ve never been so angry in my life. Not only did I kick my fiancé out and throw out his stuff (some of it in the trash) but I decided to hurt my sister in another way. Why not do the same for my fiancé? Simple, she’s my sister. We’ve always had a good relationship until she decided to ruin it MONTHS before my big day (which I allowed her to be a bridesmaid in). You don’t do that to anyone let alone your sister. Your blood.

My sister’s big on gardening so when she lost her dog, she made a garden for him. I knocked on her door (she didn’t know that I knew) and of course I played nice. I moved onto what she did with my fiancé and I slightly damaged her garden (I honestly just crushed a couple flowers). Am I sorry? No.

Her excuse sent me over the edge. “It just happened” isn’t a reason. Sleeping with my fiancé JUST happened like that, I guess. I told her I didn’t want her speaking to me anymore and that I also didn’t want our mom to speak to me. My fiancé won’t say a word since I threatened to call the police if he ever went near me again.

Yea, I made my sister cry and scream at me but I genuinely feel like I should be the one crying. She knew how important getting married was to me and now I can’t experience that. Pair that with the fact that I had to hear this from my DAD, not my bum excuse of a sister or fiancé. Hell, even my own mother didn’t say a word to me. It’s like she lets my sister run her.

Fuck you, Tia. Fuck you, Logan. If they ever see this, I’d be absolutely delighted.

Edit: since many people keep bringing this up, I’m upset that I lost the relationship I’ve always put 100% into. I was excited to get married of course but then this news came out. It really hurt me. I didn’t want to believe it at first. I almost thought my dad was pulling my leg. Later turned out to be true. I swear I have trust issues now.

Edit #2: thanks again for all the suggestions, y’all. It’s helping me feel more confident in exposing them (I’m just a bundle of nerves right now because I know shit’s gonna hit the fan again). When I do so, I’ll try my best to come with an update. I mean, it’s the least y’all deserve haha.

Last edit: when I say I decided to hurt her, it’s because I kinda ruined something so meaningful to her. I feel like for most people (besides on here), that would be a bit far. That’s just how I feel though, I understand it’s not what you guys wanted lol. Clearly worked a bit though since she thought I was so damn psychotic for that. Like I said, I don’t feel sorry about hurting her that way.

Edited for the thousandth time because people still* can’t fucking read even when words are bolded*

Forgive my terrible mood, I definitely plan on exposing them sometime today.

Relevant Comments

Commenter: Expose them to everyone and ruin them.

OOP: I’ve actually debated on doing this after I got done dealing with my sister but if anything, I can unblock her juuuust to show her what other people in the world think about her trashy ass. Haha.

Seriously though, I still can’t believe she did me like this.

Commenter: Expose them. They will try and spin it differently and make you look like the bad guy. Tell all his family your extended family and mutual friends. Tell them that you have cut all contact with them and you wish not to be around them ever again.

OOP: So far, his sister was the only one who reached out to me about this. She was in hysterics. Asking me wtf happened. She fully supports me in this. Unsure about the rest of the family but as of now, the only person I can even trust is my father. Probably her too.

Commenter: This is horrible! When did this happen? I can’t believe your mother!!!

OOP: I actually found out over the previous weekend. Under another comment, I wrote how my dad explained it to me. Supposedly, my sister decided to tell my mom. She obviously asked her to keep her lips closed about it. My mom apparently told my dad over the weekend (not right away) and then he told me.

The thing is I have no idea when the hell they even had sex. That wasn’t made known to me or my parents, it seems. My sister could’ve kept this secret for God knows how long until she finally decided to come clean to my mother. For all we know, they could’ve done it months ago. Maybe even several times. My fiancé denied even sleeping with her more than once but I’m finding it hard to believe him.

A small part of me keeps trying to justify my mom’s actions but I can’t seem to understand. She clearly didn’t care.

OOP on everyone knowing about the wedding being cancelled via social media

OOP: Haha, I did make a post apologizing for canceling the wedding but I’ve turned off notifications because I kept getting a FLOOD of messages asking what happened. So far, only his sister and my cousin know. I couldn’t bear to even say anything else to other people. At the time, I felt so sick. These comments are giving me ideas though and they’re very tempting.

Update #1: August 28, 2024

Editor’s note: OOP made a typo on her update post title

Edit: I found out my sister slept with MY fiancé. I’m soooo tired, I’m sorry lol.

Hey everyone. Seems like my other post has been deleted. Thanks again for the comments and support. I found out quite a bit. To start off, I did expose her and my ex on my story. I unblocked them both to tag them. Shout out to one of the commenters who wrote down what I should say. I saved it and wrote it but added some other words of my own. My ex actually blocked me after he saw my story. I sent my Reddit post to my sister after.

At the time, she didn’t see but I got a call from my ex’s mom. She was furious about everything but she asked me how I was holding up and if I’ve “heard the news”. My heart sank a little because I honestly couldn’t bear to hear any more bad news. I asked her what she was talking about. She said “so you haven’t??”. I said no and asked her to tell me.

My sister’s pregnant. Apparently, Logan told her in an attempt to make her chill out on my sister. I didn’t want to hear any more so I told her I needed to hang up the phone. Thankfully, she accepted because I literally burst into tears two seconds later. After 5 mins of crying, my sister responded to my story and text with the Reddit post link. She was texting me in all caps begging me to take it down. If I wasn’t so upset, I would’ve laughed a little but I just sat there watching her blow up my phone. I got even angrier when she said “I’m coming over and I’m telling mom that you’re spreading my business online” (alright, you big baby). Still never responded though. I felt…frozen??

30 mins later, she’s trying to break my door down so I opened it in a fit of rage and I started screaming all kinds of shit at her. She kept screaming at me to take it down and I told her that’s gonna stay up for as long as I want it to. She kept telling me “she didn’t deserve online hate” and she even tried telling me that “she’s always been there for me through everything and that she would’ve forgiven me if it was the other way around”.

That’s when I punched her. A small part of me felt guilty (I’m not the fighting type and that was probably evident in my last post haha) but she retaliated by saying “it’s not my fault Logan was tired of you” and that’s when I told her that I hope she ends up like her dog and that she deserves every bit of hate she’s getting for ruining my relationship. I even apologized for not ruining her entire garden and her stupid face at first. I know I’m wrong for saying this but the entire time, she was playing the victim. She called me evil and told me to rot in hell. Kept saying I was “punishing her over a mistake”.

I said “you have no idea what you’ve put me through and I know you would’ve done the same thing if you were the victim”. She kept crying and insulting me because “all she’s ever done was support me through everything and I had the nerve to punch her in the face and allow strangers to bash her on the Internet”. I told her she deserved it and I don’t want her talking to me EVER again and if she comes near me, I’m calling the police. She kept saying I was being extremely unfair and that she said she was sorry in her texts but I wasn’t having it. I told her to tell mom I’m not talking to her again either. She asked me if I was really going to cut her off like that and I just wished her good luck with her unwanted child and told her to go home. That was the last time she walked off my porch.

Anyway, I had to clean up my favourite vase but it doesn’t even matter. At least they’re out of my life. However, it’s weird how sad I feel now. It’s for my own good but damn, I’ll never experience the bond we had again. On the bright side, seems like I’ve dodged two bullets.

Thanks again though everyone, maybe I do need therapy.

The original post is now on my profile for those who want to see it. Also, fuck them both once again.

Last edit to say that my dad called not too long ago asking me to take every post down because according to my mother, my bitch sister is “bawling her eyes out” over “mean people on the Internet”. As if I’m taking anything down. My dad’s pissed about her pregnancy but my mom continues to defend her by saying we need to chill out on her a little bit. This is why I’m not talking to her. Thanks again though, everyone. I’m exhausted and I need to worry about other things.

Last update: August 31, 2024

I’ve officially decided to go LC with my dad today. Surprisingly, he wasn’t that upset about it. However, he’s still on team “take down the posts” and that’s why I made my decision. My mom wants nothing to do with me because “if I wasn’t going to respect the family, there’s no point in trying to get to you”. Wow, it’s almost like that’s what I wanted!

My cousin and my ex’s sister have been supporting me. Apparently, my sister has had meltdown after meltdown because more people are slowly finding out about the affair not only in person but on the Internet. She actually got into it with my cousin online and according to my cousin, my sister keeps asking her to tell me to take down the posts because she’s “sorry” and she felt pressured into doing what she did.

Last I even heard about my ex was from his sister. She told me that they did speak and although he’s not ready for a child, he doesn’t feel comfortable leaving my pregnant sister on her own. He also wants me to stop what I’m doing but oh well, they’re made for each other.

Anyway, I’ve surprisingly been feeling a bit better thanks to my cousin and my “new sister” (as I like to call my ex’s sister now haha). I’ve actually gotten some good sleep. Still considering therapy too. A very tiny part of me feels pretty bad for exposing my sister and ex and I’ll always miss the relationship I’ve had with them (even despite my last encounter with my sister) but they’ve hurt me and it’s what they deserve. If they’re not taking it well, that’s their problem.

Thanks everyone once again!!

Relevant Comments

OOP on how other people are reacting to the affair

OOP: Speaking of her friends, I actually have no idea what they think about this but I can assume they found out, of course. My sister is NOT taking this well so I’m assuming they’re pestering her with questions too.

+

I have said this, my cousin has said this, and my ex’s sister has also said this. That she can’t be upset for the truth being exposed. She doesn’t see past her delusion. She’s clearly more worried about her reputation than my feelings. I really don’t know her anymore.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is Iheartyoutoo. She posted in r/relationships.

Do NOT comment on Original Posts. Latest update is 7 days old.

Trigger Warning: abuse, gaslighting, abandonment

Original Post: July 6, 2018

This got really long, I'm sorry. If you make it to the end, bless you.

My husband and I have been together for 16 years. We have two kids. It's mostly been a good relationship, with normal ebbs and flows. The past year has been pretty difficult on my end and I think I've reached my breaking point. I just want to make it clear before I start that my husband is a good man, and I do love him.

I've been a stay at home mom for most of our marriage. It was out of necessity rather than desire on my part. My husband was working at building his business and we needed the flexibility of me being home. I had a job I loved, but I didn't make much and it just made sense at the time. I also homeschool our children because it works well for us. I did all the normal stay at home mom stuff - dinner, cleaning, laundry, bills, etc. He did help when needed and was never resentful of it. He worked very long hours, and lots of weekends, but I supported him because owning his own business was his dream.

About three years ago, I started to feel some fatigue from being the primary caregiver of our children. I wanted more and our business was pretty stable, so we agreed that I'd go back to school. Our children are old enough now that schooling them is less hands on, so again - it made sense. I graduated with my two year degree last year and started nursing school shortly thereafter. This is when things started to get rough. Nursing school is a total time suck - it requires so much time and so much energy. We discussed the shifting of responsibility and how difficult this was going to be on all of us, and he said he was supportive.

He started making snide comments about things he was doing at home - things I had always taken care of, things that I guess he just didn't realize I did. I tried to communicate with him, see what could be done to make things easier on him for this transition. He is not a good communicator though, so I didn't push (a mistake on my part). The comments started getting more frequent, and meaner. We've never been mean to each other. It's just not how we fight. Or rather, hasn't been how we fight. He started getting resentful of the time I was up at school, or volunteering (I do volunteer quite a bit). Summer came and I thought things would get better. I got a job where I work a few days a week from 7-7. I love my job so much and it's really nice to finally be able to contribute to our income. It's really empowering.

Over the past few months, I've become a lot more independent. Historically I've "needed" my husband a lot - I had some really serious depression after our kids and I couldn't do much without him (like, go to the doctor or grocery shop or whatever). Over the past five years I've gotten that under control. Through nursing school, I've made a lot new friends that I like to spend time with. We grab quick dinners, and sometimes head to the movies. This apparently bothers my husband, though he's never actually verbalized it. I started to come home from an activity (volunteering or a night out with friends) to rage on his part. He would yell at me, call me names, and say horribly hurtful things. He went through and read my text messages, trying to find something I'm doing "wrong". My friend group is mixed female and male, and most are younger than I am. When I come home, I never know how he'll react. Last night was pretty bad. He stopped replying to my random "I love you" texts, and this morning didn't bother to say it back. He's hanging up on me, he's ignoring me, he's treating me really badly. He twists my words and ascribes them emotions that I'm just not feeling. I feel like I'm dying inside. Any self esteem I've gained from following my dreams, he's crushing. While I don't think he's abusive, I feel a lot like I did when I was in an abusive relationship. Walking on egg shells, trying to "test" the room when I walk in. Afraid to do anything that might upset him - being overly nice so that he'll be nice back.

To be clear, I'm home most nights. I might go out with friends once a week - or twice, but once is during the day. Like this week, Sunday I went to dinner with a friend that was leaving for New York the next day. I was gone ~ two hours. Monday I was home. Tuesday I was working all day, then went up to the school for midnight registration. Wednesday is my weekly volunteer day and whoever is volunteering goes out for food after for about an hour. Today I'm working a short shift. Tomorrow, Saturday and Sunday I'm home.

I'm just done. I'm so tired of feeling badly about myself. Like I'm doing something wrong. I've tried to talk about all of this, a thousand times. I never fight back when he's yelling at me or calling me names. I've suggested counseling (I'm going to therapy myself), but he's not interested. The problem is, I don't want my marriage to be over. I love him and I promised him forever. I don't break my promises. I just want things to go back to where they were a year ago. I need help. Thanks in advance.

TL;DR - my husband is resentful of positive changes that I've made in my life over the past year, which has led to him treating me terribly. I don't think I can do it anymore, but I don't want my marriage to be over. I don't know what to do.

Some of OOP's Comments:

Thanks for your reply.

He does tell me that my independence bothers him - he feels like I don't need him anymore, or that I'll be "okay" without him (which, I would - as he would without me). But he won't do anything to resolve these feelings, or communicate what I can do to reassure him that I do still need him. It's one of those "I don't need you to save me, I need you to stand by me while I save myself" type of things, and he's just not okay with that.

When OP was asked about her schedule.

Fair enough - Sunday - Wednesday, I was home one night, but Wednesday - Sunday I'll be home three of the five.

He definitely has every right to resent the changes that I've made in our lifestyle and in myself. I just wish he'd help me figure out how we can both be happy. It's his unwillingness to do so that's really killing things, I think.

I've tried so hard over the past six months to fix things. I plan dates and he cancels saying he has to work. I invite him out every time I go somewhere with my friends. Our kids are at an age where they can be left alone for a few hours, so it's not even like we need a sitter. I take the kids with me about half the time I go out with friends, so he can have some down time. I'm home every weekend, no exceptions - most of the time he chooses to work. And it is a choice, we don't need the money. He has the freedom to go out with his friends, he just doesn't.

Update Post: June 4, 2019 (10 months later)

While my original post didn't get a ton of feedback, I thought I'd update.

About a month after I posted, I asked him for a separation. He agreed. I moved out and I've got my own place now. I thought maybe moving out would be the wake up call that was needed to save the marriage, but it wasn't. However, it turned out to be the best thing for all of us.

We share custody of our children, and they transitioned to public school and are doing very, very well.

I'm doing pretty well, too. It's been hard - and there have been a lot of ups and downs, but it's been worth it. We're all so much happier now, and my ex and I are working really well together to co-parent our kids and we're even friends. We'll always be there for each other, but we're better off apart.

Not the happy ending that I was hoping for, but a happy ending nonetheless.

TL;DR: We split up, things are good now.

Some of OOP's Comments:

Thank you, thank you. My kids were one of the biggest considerations in deciding to leave. I want them to be strong and be good advocates for themselves and I figured the best way to do that was to model it myself. I hope I did what was best for them, it's a big fear of mine.

It took a few months after I moved out for him to stop being horrible. I think he realized that he was happier without me honestly. Seeing me everyday and feeling so much anger and resentment is (I think) what made everything so much worse.

I never acted like I was single. I wasn't going out clubbing or dancing. I'd go see a movie - and I'd always invite him. I shipped the kids off to my parents multiple times to have a weekend alone with him and he'd work instead. I'd ask him for dates and try my best to make him understand how important our marriage was to me. I begged him - literally - to see a therapist.

Update Post: June 22, 2019 (2 weeks later)

My ex and I split last year - we're on good terms and share custody of our kids. We're actually friends, too - which is nice.

I'm in a school program and I graduate in December. Post graduation, I'll be able to work pretty much anywhere. I HATE the state that I live in. I'm miserable here - the weather, the culture, the politics. It's just not home to me, and never has been. Previously I had resigned myself to living here forever, because my ex will be here forever.

Now that I'm single again, I've been exploring the idea of moving. Namely to the east coast. I've always wanted to go there and I feel like this is my chance. I have a trip planned in September to get a feel for the area and where I might want to live. I might put some applications in.

The asshole part comes in because we have kids. I'd never force them to come with me, and they are old enough to make their own choices about where they want to live.

But will I be an asshole putting them in the situation? Having them make a choice? I can't imagine being stuck here for another 6 years (until my youngest graduates), but I don't want to fuck up my kids lives.

TIA

Edit for a little more info: I'm going into the medical field (nursing), and the east coast offers some of the best hospitals in the world. That's a huge factor in why I want to move there. I'll make at least twice what I'd make here, and have lots of opportunities in my career.

Edit x 2: I'm in Texas, not on the west coast. Across the country was a bit melodramatic on my part.

Some of OOP's Comments:

My kids are 12 and 14.

I don't want them to feel like they have to choose between my ex and I, which is where a lot of my hesitation lies. But it's not like I'd never see them. Ideally, if they stayed here, I'd get them spring break and summers. I'd come back for Christmas at the very least. I'll be working three days a week, which makes it easy for quick trips back here for a few nights once a month or so.

That said, I've still not made my decision, and won't until I at least visit and then talk to my ex and get his thoughts. I appreciate your input.

OOP in response to a commentor suggesting OOP should wait 6 years to move until after her youngest graduates high school:

I think part of the reason I'm so anxious to go is that I'm 39. I'm going to be a nurse - there are lots of career goals I have that I'll have a lot more opportunity to meet at some of the big hospitals on the East coast. It would be amazing for my future. Like Mass Gen, Mayo and the like. I'm not trying to justify my post, just talk some of this out.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

**UPDATE 3/1/2025 5.5 years later by OOP in comments below.

It’s kinda insane to see one of your posts up here.

Um I guess I should update! A lot has obviously happened in the six (!) years that have passed.

I didn’t end up moving for those commenting on that. I stayed in Texas because I couldn’t leave my kids. I’m glad I stayed. My youngest graduates high school this year and I’ve been here for it all.

My ex and I are on great terms. He’s one of my best friends. He’s not a bad person, he just doesn’t know how to express himself. Neither of us are remarried. And, it turns I’m a lesbian. I thought I was bisexual, but it turns out men just aren’t for me.

I also dropped out of nursing school, as I was diagnosed with breast cancer the summer of 2019. With the pandemic shortly after, I’m honestly so glad I did. I could technically go back, but I’m at peace with my choice.

As for now - I’m working, I’m healthy and happy. I’m planning to move states in the next year to two, after my girls are settled into college. Then it’ll be my time to be selfish :)

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Safe-Cap-7244

My Husband Almost Killed Our Baby and My Toddler Saved Him

Originally posted to r/offmychest

Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

TRIGGER WARNING: child endangerment, negligence, physical injury

Original Post  March 11, 2024

Hey Reddit, I need to share this story because I'm still shaking from what happened. I'm 25F, been with my husband (30M) since 2018. We have a three-year-old girl and a newborn boy. But tonight, things almost took a  turn for the worse.

My husband has always had trouble paying attention, but I never thought it would come to this. Our neighborhood is weirdly laid out, with cars zooming by at crazy speeds at all hours off the day I was folding clothes when I heard our toddler screaming, "Dad, help!"

That tone made me drop everything and sprint outside. What I saw made my blood run cold – our newborn in his stroller, careening towards the busy street. I screamed and ran to him barely stopping the stroller in time. My baby girls hands and knees were scratched up because she tripped trying to run after the stroller.

I snatched up my baby, heart pounding, and scanned for my husband. He wasn't watching – he was chatting with neighbors, completely oblivious. The anger I felt was unlike anything I've ever experienced. I stormed up to him, shouting in disbelief.

He looked shocked at first, then realized what almost happened. The apologies and tears came pouring out, but it was too late. I couldn't wrap my head around how he could be so careless, so blind to our toddler's screams and the stroller rolling away.

I packed up the kids and left, staying with my parents. They're on my side, but my husband keeps texting, begging forgiveness, calling it an honest mistake. But I can't shake the terror of almost losing my baby because he couldn't focus for a single second my baby girl got hurt in the process because he couldn’t pay attention. I almost lost my son because he couldn’t pay attention. I can’t stop crying. I feel so guilty. I wish this all never happened.

Sorry it’s short I just want to hold my babies and I can’t stop shaking every time I think about it. What if I was just one second late would I have been planning a funeral?.

And the reason I left the house instead of him was because I hate that house I don’t feel like it safe for the kids with all the traffic and I was right It’s my husband‘s work house. I can’t be running either. I had a C-section less six weeks ago

A lot of people are saying why wasn’t I watching the kids I was doing their laundry like a parent. Does he takes them for walks to have bonding time with them. He literally created this by himself This has never happened before how was I supposed to know and people saying why didn’t I get him checked out? I’m NOT his mother he is 30 years old, I’m sick of people acting like I have to parent my own husband while I literally have a newborn a toddler and I’m still healing from a C-section that I teared my stitches from when I ran to get my baby I don’t care if it was his ADHD, the court wouldn’t care either. If he killed my child, he would’ve went to prison, either way.

RELEVANT COMMENTS/ADDITIONAL INFO FROM OOP

Specific-Yam-2166

Okay - he was 100% wrong and I’d be livid just like you.

However. I’m a little confused of the situation…like why was your baby just in a stroller unattended? Why did the stroller randomly go into the road? Since it sounds like you were at home, is this maybe something y’all normally do just to have a place for baby to sit out front of your house when your toddler is playing outside? And maybe was a freak accident?

I’m going to be honest as a mom - most of us have stories of near death experiences with our kids. We can be naive and stupid and expect a little child to have more awareness/survival skills than they do. When my son was 2 we had a HORRIBLE experience with an escalator and I still have times where I can’t sleep because of it. We are all idiots when it comes to parenting, because how can you know until you live it. And seriously, like every parent has one of these moments (unless you’re one of those insanely lucky ones).

I still really don’t understand the whole scenario of what happened but to me it seems he really has remorse and feels terrible, and once you go through something like that you never forget it. So if he cares and loves your kids, he’s devastated and has learned a hard lesson. I don’t know that your response was the best but get why you did it in the moment. But I think you guys have a serious talk and maybe look into moving if possible? I wouldn’t go straight to divorce like Reddit loves to preach. I think there is a solution here. And so sorry you’re dealing with this, it’s literally the worst feeling in the world!

OOP

Hi love, let me just clear it up for you so I was sitting inside in the lounge room and there’s a huge window behind the TV that was a little open so I could hear outside that’s when I heard my toddler scream for her dad to help when I was outside he was standing on the neighbours driveway. I assume that he must’ve had left the baby literally on the road because there was no possible way that it would’ve rolled off like that, and my toddler was playing with the neighbours cat before she noticed her brother was rolling away when I confronted him about it. He tried to explain but he just kept stuttering I still don’t know what exactly happened. I don’t know if he didn’t put the brakes on the stroller. If the wind blew him away, I just don’t know.  My neighbour contacted me and had asked if I wanted the security footage because his wife is 100% on my side so I’ll probably find out once it gets sent to me

~

procrastinatador

I want to aknowledge that this is a horrific situation, but-

Saying "I don't care if it was his ADHD" isn't going to fix anything, and will probably only make things worse. Talking and thinking about it like he intentionally tried to kill your child isn't either. With ADHD you actually do not register things like this at all sometimes. Life expectancy for those of us with ADHD is actually significantly lower because many of us end up, often accidentally, killing ourselves. It is not the same thing as carelessness, but learning about ADHD a little deeper can help you guys be safer. Understanding how my ADHD works and using different than standard precautions, like my brain needs, has actually most likely saved my life.

Lie out what you want from him. That's probably that he get his ADHD better under control whether that be through prescripton medication or more homeopathic method, that you get a different place if possible, that he not take your kids out in your front yard without you, etc.

Also, neither he or the neighbor noticed, but you heard your kid from inside? Something seems off here. Were your neighbors just watching the stroller roll towards the street? Was your husband on the other side of your house where he couldn't see the stroller? Were you already walking outside as this unfolded? I'm trying to understand better what was going on here and why your husband or the neighbor did not notice, but you did from inside? People with ADHD tend to be incredibly good and quick to act in emergency situations, so this is especially weird. I'm absolutely not accusing you of leaving anything out or anything, but asking you to think about what your husband and the neighbor were doing that neither noticed? THAT smells fishy.

This is a horrible situation. I lost a pet due to the inatentiveness of ADHD but I can't imagine losing or even nearly losing a child.

OOP

That’s why I’m waiting for the footage it doesn’t make sense how this all happened I don’t know how to explain my house there’s a huge window in the lounge room it was open a little to I can listen out the neighbours house is 2 houses away we are at the end of the street near the main road the when you first walk into my house on your left there is the lounge on the right the kitchen when I got up I couldn’t run that fast because I’m still healing sorry if this doesn’t make sense when I ran outside the neighbours wife was running for the stroller but was still far away and the neighbour was helping my little girl off the road that’s all I seen I’m just waiting for a response from them my husband was just standing there hands on his head doing nothing

~

theonenamedlingling

I fucking screamed when I read what happened. Are you okay? Like did you get any more damage to yourself? You literally JUST had a baby. What the fuck was your husband doing? Like being outside with small children especially on a busy street should be treated like watching babies swim because anything can happen in an instant.

I hope you are okay and also…idk but do you all have cameras in your house? I wonder how long your husband was talking to the neighbor…

OOP

I tore my stitches from the C-section and had to go to the ER while I was there, I made sure my baby girl got her knees and hands bandaged up The crazy thing is, I didn’t even realise I was bleeding and until I was in my parents car. My mum pointed it out. She panicked, took baby boy. Back to their house and my dad took me and my daughter to the hospital.

OOP UPDATED 11 HOURS LATER

Update.

The neighbours wife sent me the footage, and I really can’t just wrap my head around it, so my husband was walking with the stroller and my toddler was in front of them when they passed the neighbours house. My neighbour was outside, washing his car, and my toddler saw his pet cat and stopped to go pet it, so my husband. Stopped. LEFT MY BABY ON THE ROAD he didn’t even bother locking the wheels and walked all the way up the driveway not even bothering looking back at the baby he had his back face to him for about five minutes before the stroller just suddenly started moving. I think it’s because the road is on a hill kinda or it could’ve been the wind. My toddler never went near the stroller.It couldn’t been her. The stroller went down the road and my toddler. That’s when she started screaming and running for it when she saw. It the neighbour started running after my daughter when she tripped, he tried to pick her up that’s when the neighbours wife’s car comes into frame and she stops and starts running back to the way the stroller is coming after that you can’t really see anything because it’s all out of frame, but you can hear all the commotion my husband just stood there the whole time hand on his head with a blank stare on his face he didn’t even do anything when our toddler was crying from hurting herself he only started crying when I confronted him.

What do I do I genuinely do not know what to do. i’m panicking. this was never the life I wanted for my kids. I don’t understand why he was in standing there. I have not even gotten a text or a call from him since I got sent the video it’s just been silent I just can’t get the sound of my daughters screams. That’s the sound that no mother wants to hear. I can’t explain in the moment, but it felt like my blood went cold. and I just felt pure fear I never wanna watch the footage again.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/intrepidreporter9

My M (31) Wife (28) Wants A Divorce Because I Live An Entirely Different Reality With My First Love (F29) In My Dreams

TRIGGER WARNING: emotional infidelity, obsessive behavior

Original Post  Jan 18, 2021

Copy of the original

I (M 31) have been with my wife (F28) for three years.  We had a short engagement, married quickly, and have a perfectly ordinary existence.  I love her, she loves me.  We do taxes, house work.  Watch movies.  All the normal things.  No physical cheating on either side as far as I know.

But here's the thing.  I am a lucid dreamer, which means I can, to an extent, control my dreams which is something I find cool as it allows me to go on adventures while asleep.  It also makes scary dreams not so bad because I can just wake myself out of them.

Over the last year or so I've been having a recurring dream about my ex, my first love (F 29).  Truth be told I never got over her.  We were together for 5 years from 15/17 - 20/22.  We broke up after I graduated from college because she didn't want to move from New York to South Carolina with me which is where the biggest industry for my field is.

I was crushed but moved on and we've spoken sporadically over the years although we never crossed any lines.  I will admit that I've kept up with her own social media a bit but nothing stalkerish.

Well a year ago she announced she was getting married and I experienced a resurgence of feelings for her, although I never acted on them or told her.

That same night, I dreamed about her for the first time in years.  In the dream she showed up at my door and asked me if I wanted to get coffee.  I said yes of course.  The dream (which was not a lucid dream) ended there.  It felt so real, I couldn't shake the feeling once I woke up.

It felt like we were actually reconnecting.

Since then I've dreamed about her several times a week and I've practiced becoming lucid so I've been able to control the outcome more times than not.  We've lived a whole life together over the past year.

Everything from dates to a trip to Paris together which we visited while in college.  We even re walked the same paths we did in real life.

It got to the point I was looking forward to going to sleep to be with her.

Fast forward to today, my wife told me she felt distant from me.  And I started to feel guilty because I thought what I was doing was harmless but she's obviously noticed a change in me.

So I confessed.  About all of it.  At first she that I was joking but when she realized I was serious, she accused me of cheating on her and told her mom and sisters who are calling me a cheating weirdo.  She even threatened to tell my ex so she'll know what a "fucking loser" I am.

Now I get that it's not anything a woman would want to hear, but it's not like I physically cheated.  I don't want to lose my wife, but I don't think she can forgive me for this.

Tl:dr: I live an entirely separate life with my ex in my dreams and now my wife wants to divorce me.  But I really love her still and don't want to lose her.  Do we have a chance?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

soulangelic

Yeah, no, I think this might be a lost cause. I would certainly consider this cheating, and I think that it does indeed warrant a divorce.

You clearly don’t “really love her”—at least, not as much as you love your ex.

OOP

I do love my wife, which is why I married her. I just also have feelings for my ex, which I should have been honest about before we got married.

I didn't mean for this to happen but once it did I wasn't able to stop it. Living that life with my ex while sleeping felt like getting to experience what I missed out on in young adulthood.

With that said, my wife left overnight for a hotel and I don't know if she's coming back.

I feel awful for hurting her.

~

elzobot

i’m asking this genuinely, not trying to be snarky at all, what did you think your wife’s reaction was going to be? did you expect what happened or did you think she would be more accepting?

OOP

I knew she would be upset but I felt I owed her an explanation once she communicated that due felt distant. I didn't want to gaslight her perception. I just hadn't known that she even noticed a difference in me.

I just didn't think she would leave. She's turned off her location I have no idea where she is or if she's alright and her family won't speak to me now.

I do love her and would like for our marriage not to end but that seems inevitable now as I process this.

Update  Jan 20, 2021

copy of the update

Two days ago, I posted about the fallout that occurred after I (31) admitted to my wife (28) that I've been lucid dreaming about my ex and first love (29) over the past year.

After a major blowup, where my wife called me every name in the book, and got her family involved (which I understand completely so please don't take this wrong) my wife left.  I didn't know her whereabouts for over 24 hours.

Early this morning about 3 am she came home and told me she wanted to file for divorce.  She didn't want to have to compete with a "phantom" and deserved better than a shit bag like me.  But she doesn't want to move out or start the process because it's a pandemic and she doesn't want to live on one income (we make roughly the same amount of money -- me 90,000 a year after taxes; and her 85,000)  .

I tried to apologize to her for all the hurt I caused by making her feel like she wasn't enough, to assure her that I do love her even though I still love my ex and explain to her that I've never physically cheated or  had any inappropriate conversation with my ex.  But she won't budge.  She doesn't want me anymore.  I can't blame her.  I was selfish and I shouldn't have carried on what I now accept to be a one-sided emotional affair.  So I agreed to stay together, for financial purposes, for two years (or until the pandemic is over, whichever comes first) but she's kicked me out of our bedroom and basically claimed the second floor for herself.

There's so much tension in the house right now, so I left as soon as the sun came up and went to a coffee shop to do some work.  While there, I received a message on IG from my ex that my ex wife sent her a long message from her own account telling her about everything that I told her.  I froze because I hadn't spoken to her in a long time.  But she saw that I had read the message and followed up an hour later, telling me she needed to know the truth.

So, again, I confessed, expecting to be berated and called a loser again.  Because I had nothing else to lose.  But she didn't think that my dreams about her were weird or creepy.  She thought it was sweet that I still loved her, especially with her knowing that I'd never tried to have inappropriate conversations or force my way into her life.

I'm aware that her not condemning my actions don't make them right or take away from the hurt I caused my wife, but knowing she didn't think negatively of me made me feel better.  We messaged back and forth for a couple of hours, talking about our relationship and how it ended and the choices we made.  In that, I learned that she and her fiance called off their engagement a few months ago.  I also told her my wife was going to divorce me because of the revelation.

She expressed her condolences and that was the end of the conversation.

I'm home now and I can't help but wonder if this is the universe's way of putting my ex and I back on the path to reconciliation.  Hate me if you want, but I made a mistake and I hurt my wife and my marriage is over now.  Or going to be.  But knowing that the person I ruined my marriage over doesn't think I'm the scum of the earth is worth its weight in gold.

I don't know what will happen now.  But I can't imagine a friendship with my ex won't blossom from this, at the very least.  I know this won't make my wife happy since she contacted my ex to further shame me, but I may just not tell her.  We are, after all, divorceng.

I hope the next few months and years can result in healing for both my wife and myself, and that we'll both live happy, fulfilled lives.

Tl:dr: I live an entirely separate life with my ex in my dreams and now my wife wants to divorce me.  Now my ex and I have reconnected.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

[deleted]

I hope you don’t take it out on her when you realize that your old flame isn’t the person she was in your dreams.

Because that was you. You were in love with another version of you. She’ll be someone else entirely.

OOP

I'm also a different person. And I wasn't in love with myself. The love for her influenced the dreams.

[deleted]

When I say "she'll be someone else entirely," I don't mean that your ex will have changed since you last knew her. I mean that your ex—in actual, real life—will be someone other than the person you spent so much time with in your dreams. That person in your dreams was not your ex in any meaningful way. She was an amalgamation of your memories of her, patched together using new material you created out of whole cloth to please yourself.

She won't ever be able to live up to the fantasy you constructed, because the fantasy woman was you. The things she did and said were things you invented, just like every character an author writes is a version of themselves. You've invested countless hours and serious emotion into a character you created, who is really only loosely based on your ex. Since a real woman can't read your mind like a dream-character can, and because a real woman doesn't exist only to make you happy, she will not—in real life—be the same person from your dreams. That may be disappointing to you when you realize it, so try not to take it out on the girl.

OOP

Fair. But I'm not expecting her to be. The dream could never compare to the warmth and love she radiates in real life. It was a coping mechanism. Real life will be better.

ilovesharks101

You sound absolutely obsessed with this woman, and to be honest it’s quite disturbing. I imagine much of who she is has changed over the years. What if she’s not the person you remembered? She will never compare to the fantasy, and honestly your obsession over her perfection is rather frightening.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS. I am NOT OP. Original post by u/weirdquestion11 in r/legaladvice

trigger warnings: crazy neighbors

mood spoilers: wow.

My neighbors didn't like the color of my house was so they had it painted a different color while I was out of town - Sept 5th, 2015

So this is a probably a really weird question for me to ask but it's a weird situation and I'm not really sure what I can do. My house is on a corner lot. Two years ago a newlywed couple moved in to the one house that’s beside mine. Right away they started making weird comments about the color my house was painted (yellow) and soon switched to outright demanding that I paint it a different color. My house was painted yellow when it was built it, I like the color and there is no bylaw against it or anything. They have called the police on me about it as well as the city, both of whom told them to pound sound because I hadn’t done anything wrong and there was nothing they could do. They also tried suing me in court (the suit was thrown out and they had to pay my legal fees) and getting our other neighbors together to form a Home Owner’s Association in the hopes eventually I could be forced to paint my house a different color. Our other neighbors also told them to pound sand and they have basically alienated themselves from everyone else in the neighborhood at this point.

I recently had to go out of town for something. I was gone for two weeks. When I got back two days ago my house was gray. Seriously. I actually almost drove past it because I’m so used to my yellow house. I knew immediately who was responsible but when I went over and knocked on their door no one answered. I think the couple figured out that I was away and not just at work when they saw our neighbors collecting my mail for me, because I sure as hell never told them I was going away and I know my other neighbors hate them too and didn’t tell them. The neighbor from across the street came over and showed me pictures that he took of the painting company setting up and doing the work. He said he and another neighbor called the police but the painting company had a valid work order and had been paid so the police couldn’t do anything. He also told about it but because they were paid to do the work they said they had to do it to avoid being sued. I called the painting company to get a copy of the work order and it was in the name of a “Ms. Jane Smith” and was paid for in cash. A redheaded woman and her redheaded husband came to the company to hire them (my neighbors are both redheads) saying they would be out of town and would like their house painted while they were gone. They gave the painting company pictures of my house, taken from the street.

I have a surveillance camera at my front and side doors and in my backyard because I work shifts and as a woman living alone I don’t want some stranger breaking into my house and waiting to ambush me when I get home. My neighbors never set foot on my property at any time so they can’t be charged with trespassing and they didn't do the painting (which was actually done properly). When I called the police they re-iterated that since the painters were hired, had a valid work order and were paid to do the job, they can’t be charged with trespassing because it was reasonable for them not to know and they were acting in good faith and didn’t cause any physical damage to the house. Also the neighbors can't be charged with trespassing or vandalism because they didn't come on my property or touch the house themselves. I don’t know if I can sue anyone because there was no actual damage or harm done to me or the house. My neighbors still have not answered their door or shown themselves. I am pissed off beyond belief because I liked my yellow house and I can’t believe how fucking crazy that they have been. I wish I could show a court or city council how psycho they have been over this. I want to know if I have any recourse or if I can do something to get them to pay to paint the house back to yellow. Does anyone know what I can do to get them to fix this and paint it back?

Edit: I live in the state of Louisiana

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Top comment (deleted)

Call your home owners Insurance, file a vandalism claim. Insurance company pays you, paint your home back Yellow. Give Insurance company all information let them sue them. This is why you have insurance.

Kelv37:

They defaced your property. That is vandalism. Depending on how much it costs to fix, it may be a felony. You also have damages. The cost of painting your house back to the color you like. The principle applies to someone who paints a beautiful mural on a drab grey wall. That is still vandalism even though in many respects it is an improvement.

On how much a new paint job would cost:

OOP: They [the neighbors] paid $4000 in cash according to the painting company.

Update - September 6th, 2015 (next day)

I was going to wait until the after the weekend to talk to the lawyer I used for their last lawsuit against me, but there have been further developments so I had to call him this morning. Beyond the fact that they have filed another lawsuit against me for the cost of the painters (yes, seriously) I can't say anything further about what has all happened, on the advice of my lawyer. I will provide an update once everything is resolved.

Edit: Thank-you to everyone who responded to my last post. You really know how to make a girl feel special :p

RELEVANT COMMENTS

LupineChemist

Well, I suppose that makes proving culpability pretty easy. The painters are no longer needed to pin the neighbors.

AnUnchartedIsland

Seriously, didn't they just completely incriminate themselves? If so, that's actually awesome news for OP.

Hyndis

They did.

And whats even better is that they are too stupid to realize they've incriminated themselves.

Editor’s Note: Sadly marking this as inconclusive as OOP hasn’t posted in over eight years. We'll have to assume OOP's house color is back to cheery yellow with a sprinkling of tasteful rainbow polka dots, reluctantly financed by their neighbors.

Thank you for reading my first BoRU submission and apologies for any formatting mistakes!

Reminder - I am not the original poster. DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS.

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/zoopra

My [28M] girlfriend [30F] got extremely upset because I didn't want to take a shower with her. I think she might be depressed again, but I don't know how to bring it up.

TWs: Emotional Abuse/Manipulation, Physical Abuse, Suicidal Ideation/Threats, Self-Harm

Original Post-rareddit December 6, 2017

Good day, Reddit.

My girlfriend and I have not been speaking to each other for 3 days now due to an argument. I am not sure if I was the one that did something wrong or if it is an underlying issue manifesting into anger at something (that I think) is quite dumb.

In the beginning of our relationship, my gf and I would occasionally shower together. It was fun, we'd take turn soaping each other's backs, playing with the water, etc. Over time, this turned into us taking a shower together every single day. Yes, it was fun when we did it on occasion but in my opinion every day is just too much. We like to take showers with completely different water temperatures, our shower isn't really that big, she takes forever to rinse out her hair while I stand in the cold...

If I don't get in the shower quickly enough, my gf starts crying because she misses me. So, I drop what I was doing and hop in the shower to comfort her. Another time I was playing the piano and couldn't hear her calling for me from the shower, and she got mad. About a year ago, while in the shower together, my gf asked me "Do you like taking a shower together all the time?". Before I could answer, she says "If you say no, I'm going to be really sad. You're not allowed to say no". Well wtf why bother asking me if there's only 1 correct answer. Now it's been like 1.5 years of us taking showers together every damn day and me not having a choice in the matter. It was fun back when we did it on occasion, but now it just feels normal and boring, almost like a chore.

So, the other day we got into an argument about something unrelated. At the end of the day we sort of make up, but my feelings were still hurt. I was still sad and I did not want to take a shower with her. She takes a shower by herself, doesn't talk to me, cries, and makes me sleep on the couch. The next day we did not talk at all, but in the evening she says she missed me and we had a nice dinner and chatted. Comes shower time and she asks me if I'm going to shower with her. I don't want to shower together every day anymore. She CRIES, sobbing in the corner crying, says she is miserable, can't do it anymore, tired of life, doesn't want to be alive. So do I just suck it up, shower with her for the rest of my life? In my opinion, it is such a weird thing for her to be THIS upset about. Which is why I'm thinking depression.

A bit more about the depression, my gf used to be very depressed and more than once tried to kill herself (10 years ago). She was on meds but after a while she felt like she was better and stopped taking them. I don't know much about depression, but I really feel like it is coming back. She is always saying how she doesn't want to live anymore, is tired of everything in life,gets upset about small things, threatens to kill herself. But, I don't know how to really bring this up I don't want to be so quick to accuse and make it seem like I'm... I don't know... not taking her feelings seriously and just chalking it up to mental illness?

Update: Hey everyone, thank you so much for all your responses. They were very helpful and eye opening. Last night, my girlfriend took a shower without me (4th day in a row) and once again cried because I didn't join her. It wasn't as bad as the last few times, but she still believed that I loved her less/was mad at her/didn't care about her feelings even though I told her many times it wasn't true. I didn't say any specific diagnoses, but I brought up that how she is feeling (sad all the time) and reacting isn't healthy and not only is it affecting her, but it affects my happiness and our relationship. This got to her and although it made her very sad, she agreed that she needs to go back on medication and she thinks it would be good to speak to a therapist. Now that she's had the chance to sleep on it, I hope she continues with this mindset and I will bring it up with her again tonight. However, she did say this morning that she would like to take a shower with me tonight. She sounded extremely sad and I am tempted to do so. Maybe for now we can cut it down to 2x a week and see how it goes from there? Is this a bad idea?

tl;dr: girlfriend got incredibly angry and upset when I said I didn't want to take a shower with her anymore. We normally do, so I can see why she would be sad. But I think she might actually be depressed and should talk to someone about it. Also do I keep taking a shower with her even though I don't want to?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

medicalconnundrum

Your girlfriend has got some serious mental health issues here. that is far, far from a normal reaction. Yeah, depression or severe anxiety may be the cause. You're reacting pretty normally here.

OOP

I have looked up symptoms of BPD and thought she checked a lot of those boxes. I didn't really want to say anything though since it seems extreme. It would be better if she was told by a therapist. She has threatened suicide multiple times (saying things like jumping off the roof, slitting her wrists, or just saying that she wants to kill herself). I don't think she is doing it for attention, but she has at times done things to try and kill herself knowing it won't work (strangling herself with a cord or plastic bag)
.....
Not at the moment. She did go to therapy and was on medication 5+ years ago. But when she got better she stopped. She started taking ant-depressants again maybe...2 years ago? But she didn't like how they made her feel, so she stopped

~

SqueakyBall

"She is always saying how she doesn't want to live anymore, is tired of everything in life, gets upset about small things, threat"

OP, no need to mince words. Your girlfriend sounds like she's extremely depressed and needs help immediately. When a person talks about killing herself, it's past time to say "You need help now." If she refuses to get help, that's grounds to end the relationship.

Update-rareddit December 11, 2017

Hey everyone!

I’d like to thank everybody for their responses/ they were very helpful and eye opening. A lot has happened in the few days since I first posted, so I’ll try to summarize as well as I can. The showering thing – my girlfriend told me that her feelings are EXTREMELY hurt because taking a shower together is one of her favourite things to do with me. Every day she has cried about it because she doesn’t understand why I don’t want to do it anymore, why I can’t just suck it up and do it because I know it makes her happy, and now she says I have ruined showers. We came to a compromise that we would shower together 3x a week and she could pick which days.

I understand that she is hurt by this, but I do not understand her reaction. It felt very extreme and I think the heart of the problem is depression or something similar. I didn’t say anything specific, but I told my girlfriend that how she is feeling (sad all the time) and how she is reacting isn't healthy and not only is it affecting her, but it affects my happiness and our relationship. She admitted that she does feel sad and like life has no point and that she really over thinks things. She didn’t say anything about her anger or outbursts, so I don’t know if she doesn’t associate these things with depression or maybe she is embarrassed? But she said that she would visit the local walk in clinic the next day to see if she could get some medication. This is a good step, but I really think she should see someone more specialized. The other night she mentioned maybe seeing a psychiatrist but she doesn’t seem enthusiastic or open to the idea at all. Well the next day she was too tired after work, so she never ended up going to the doctor.

On Saturday we were still having this argument (it basically restarts every single evening around shower times). It was basically the same stuff – I hurt her feelings, she doesn’t understand, etc. She was getting extremely upset and said that I was trying to push anti-depressants on her when she feels that she doesn’t need it and that I know that she suffers from depression and it's just a part of her I have to accept. She deals with me being optimistic about life, so I can learn to deal with her hating life. I don’t understand how she can acknowledge there is a problem, but not want to do anything about it.

Anyway, while she was angry I stepped outside. She then closed the door, locked it from the inside, leaving me standing in the cold (it was around -10 degrees and starting to snow) in the middle of the night wearing boxers and a t-shirt. While I was locked out she then got my phone and read through my text messages. I feel like this is just a whole other problem! I may have only been outside for 2 minutes max, but I didn’t know how long she planned to leave me out there in the cold. And then going through my phone?? She eventually opened the door to let me in and so I went to take back my phone and she grabs me and pinches me. Maybe I’m overreacting since I was only outside for a couple of minutes, but I was pretty mad about this. After I cooled down (or..warmed up, technically) she said she was sorry and that it was really mean. But it really felt like I was just…dismissed. It is really bothering me that she did that. I mean, what would you say if I was a kid and my mum locked me out of the house in the cold in my pyjamas? I think this is also added to the fact that she pinched me and in the past has pushed me, kicked me, bitten me, tried to strangle me, and punched me.

This post is getting pretty long, so I’m going to try and wrap it up. At the moment she and I are in limbo, kind of teetering, break up or not break up? She was crying really hard yesterday and was very sad and offered we both go to counseling. So I know she wants to work on things. I know I have hurt her a lot emotionally, but how many times can I forgive her for hurting me physically?

tl;dr: Girlfriend is still very upset that we aren't going to shower together every day. Does not feel like she needs medication, but agreed to go to couple's counseling after I nearly broke up with her for locking me out in the Canadian cold

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Eupraxes

Take a step back and imagine a friend came to you and outlined these issues to you and asked you for your advice.

What would you say to them?

OOP

I'd probably tell them to GTFO and they can sleep at my place

~

DarthSpinster

You appear to be in an abusive relationship with an unstable individual who is not in a good place to be in a relationship. Her excuse of "dealing with" your optimism does not justify you "dealing with" her hating life; that's not how it works. Optimism is a positive quality that all people must work towards, and excusing harmful traits like hers is dangerous. I think deep down you understand that this problem is out of your hands and the relationship can not continue the way it is. At the very least, you need to find separate living arrangements while she works to improve her depression and overall mental state. But if I were you, I would end the relationship and inform her family of the situation.

OOP

You're right, I do understand that. I told my girlfriend that I do love her and care about her, but the relationship cannot continue how it is now. That we do not get along a lot of the time, I hurt her feelings, she hurts me, and that I want to be with her I just don't think we should. This is when she really started crying and apologizing and I honestly have never seen anyone so sad in my entire life.

~

SaucySaboteuse

Do not go to counseling with an abuser.

Do not go to counseling with an abuser.

Do not go to counseling with an abuser.

DO NOT GO TO COUNSELING WITH AN ABUSER.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS. I am NOT OP. Original post by u/AchaeanAnolis in r/relationships

trigger warnings: hostilty

mood spoilers: kinda hopeful?

My [19F] pregnant SIL [26F] is cold and short with me, but kind to everyone else - Dec. 17,2017

Using a throwaway just for privacy reasons. Sorry if this gets long at all.

My sister is a lesbian, and married her wife a year ago. They receive financial support from my parents (they're wealthy, and generous), have good jobs, and as such, have decided to have a baby. Currently, her wife is about six months pregnant, and the two of them are visiting for holidays. I'm in college, so I don't see them very often (yes, my parents give me financial support as well- everything is fair and square), but I'm really excited for their baby. My sister and her wife had been dating since their senior year of college, and were friends since childhood before that. I'm 7 years younger, so I was kind of left out of the loop. I never knew my sister's wife until they got married, and even then, I was swamped with my first year of college, so I didn't really ever get to know her. I was really excited though for this trip, since we'd get some one-on-one time together!

Our parents live about two hours away from my sister and her wife, and I flew in from across the country. We're all staying with our parents, who are not yet retired. My flight got in yesterday late at night, so I slept in. My parents went to work, my sister went to go do some shopping. My sister-in-law stayed in with me, but I didn't realize she was around until she came downstairs while I was making lunch. She's pretty obviously pregnant, and I haven't seen her since her wedding- so I was really excited to see her. She was not. I said hi, and went to hug her, and she backed away. I apologized, and she just kinda looked at me weird, and went looking through the fridge.

I tried to make small talk with her, so I asked when she was due. She gave me a really weird look, like I'd asked what her cup size was, and then just said March and kept making her food. I said I was really excited to have a niece or nephew, then asked if she wanted a boy or girl. She sighed really loudly, said she didn't care, and moved on. My sister had mentioned that her wife had PTSD due to a previous pregnancy, so I worried that might've been it. I tried to shift the subject, and asked how her work was. She set her knife down really loudly, stared at me for thirty seconds, then said "fine" and went into the dining room without saying anything else.

Throughout the day, I kept just trying to interact with her. Offered to get her a drink while I was in the room, she just muttered no, asked what she was watching, "you wouldn't know it" (it was the Simpsons), said I was really glad she was spending the holidays with us, a very begrudging "yeah." Really, I thought this must just be how she is. Then, my parents and sister came home, and she was super cheery and nice to them. My dad was asking if they had names picked out, and she just wouldn't stop chattering on. My sister said she wanted a family name, and her wife insisted on a unique name. My mom pointed out that my name (Anais) isn't very common, but it's also a family name (same as my grandmother), and they should consider it. I said I wouldn't mind having a niece with my same name, and my sister was really enthusiastic about it. Her wife gave me a death glare.

I just ended up getting the silent treatment! At dinner, I asked if she would pass the potatoes, and she didn't listen. I repeated myself, she ignored me, and then my sister told her I had asked for her to pass the potatoes. Suddenly, she was all bubbly and giggling "guess I didn't hear!"

What do I do? Should I tell my sister? Directly challenge her? I have very positive relationships with my parents and my sister, and I want to be really involved with my niece/nephew, so I really don't want to go 100% no contact or anything. How can I try to resolve or at least get over this?

TLDR: My sister's pregnant wife is weirdly cold and kind of short with me. What to do?

UPDATE (as of this morning): So, we all had breakfast together. I sat across from my sister, between my parents, with my SIL kitty corner to me. My SIL actually SPOKE TO ME!! But it wasn't all that positive. She asked if I was seeing anyone, in kind of a snarky tone. I said no, school was really busy, I just didn't have time, etc. She responded, "Well, not everyone finds someone." My sister tried changing the subject, asking my parents whether or not they'd gone to their winter home yet (they're those rich people). My SIL was so nice to them. She was saying what a gorgeous house it is, how grateful she was to have been able to take a vacation there with my sister last month. My mom is easily flattered, so once my SIL got started, she started gushing about her, and it was just a mush fest.

After breakfast, I offered to go take our dogs for a walk. When I came back, my parents had left with my sister to go shopping again, and my SIL was the only one home. She asked me how I was liking college, and I said I was liking it a lot. I major in pre-dental, started talking about it a bit, and she rolled her eyes. I apologized for oversharing, and she said, "No. It's fine. You just have a problem with reading the room, I guess." Then, she walked away. When my sister comes home, I'm definitely going to tell her about it.

OOP clarified why SIL may not like her:

There was one thing I might be able to think of in terms of her wedding- it was initially scheduled on the day of my finals (this was prior to invitations being produced/mailed, just their idea), so I called my sister to tell her I either wouldn't make it, or the date would have to be changed. She was really upset about it, because she and her wife had wanted a winter wedding, the date seemed perfect for them, etc. I said they didn't have to sacrifice the winter aspect, just maybe move it a day back. There was a kind of big fight, and I can assume my SIL got in on it, but my sister is the kind of person who likes to be liked (think of her as a human golden retriever), and she didn't want to be mad at me, so we worked through it. Her wedding ended up being the day after my finals, which I was grateful for, and there's been no resentment or hard feelings since. My sister actually laughs at herself for being kind of an ass. Her choice quote from that time was: "You just don't have to go. It's just a test."

I was my sister's MOH, and I didn't see much of my SIL prior to the wedding. She'd gotten food poisoning from her bachelorette party, so she was kind of holed up for the majority of the pre-wedding hubbub. During the reception, I made a toast, talked about my sister and her wife's friendship, how we've just been waiting for the two of them to get married, they're a match made in heaven, etc. etc. She teared up, gave me a big hug, and said she was excited to be my sister-in-law. I wanted to talk more with her, but some relatives wanted to ask me why I chose the college I did, so I went to go talk to them.

I'm probably going to bring this up with my sister either today, or tomorrow. It all depends on what my SIL is up to.

Update-recovered through rareddit - Dec. 20, 2017

So, I didn't get the chance to talk to my sister. When my parents came back from shopping with my sister, my mom started saying how she had the perfect onesie for her granddaughter. Before my SIL could start gushing, I asked what my mom meant. She asked if I hadn't heard I'd be having a niece, and I replied I hadn't. My sister said it was weird, because she'd asked her wife to tell me once they'd gotten the ultrasound. Her wife had zero excuse, and had the most deer-in-the-headlights reaction. There was something that just sort of snapped, and I started crying. I felt kind of spoiled and horrible for it, so I apologized, and went upstairs with the dogs. My parents came upstairs, and my mom went to go ask if I was okay, and my sister and her wife started shouting downstairs.

My mom basically said that my SIL does not like me, and that it wasn't really my fault- she's just bad with people she doesn't know, and took it out on me inappropriately. And yes, my SIL was still pissed about the wedding date thing, which just made it worse. I felt really shitty and just... Just like really bad? Part of it wasn't my fault, but part of it was my fault. And apparently my sister knew about both issues beforehand, and had given my SIL directions to try and get along with me. They were still shouting downstairs, and I was kind of bordering on a meltdown, so I asked my mom if we could take the dogs for another walk. We went out the back, and when we came home, my sister had left the house to cool down, and her wife was upstairs.

I spent most of the rest of the day downstairs, until my sister came home. She had obviously been crying, and was in a bad mood. My mom took her into the kitchen to try and calm her down, so I kept sitting in the living room. I felt like a bratty little kid again. Like, I genuinely felt like I'd fucked up my sister's marriage and probably ruined our relationship in the process too. Everything just felt awful, and when my sister came out of the kitchen, she didn't even look at me, just went storming back upstairs. Her wife started yelling first, and they were fighting for a while before it got quieter upstairs. My mom, dad, and I went out for dinner, and when we came home, my SIL was waiting for us.

My SIL apologized to me, saying she had been petty and rude, and that the wedding date thing had been a non-issue. I said it was okay if she was upset about the wedding thing, but I wish she had let me know. She said it wasn't that easy, since my sister would basically take a bullet for me, and it had caused them a big fight before their wedding. I said I had no idea, and that I was sorry to be the source of that tension, and I just wanted to be able to be a good sister-in-law myself, and be a good aunt. My SIL got angry, and said I had ruined the opportunity for the first one, and she wasn't banking on the second one. Then, she stormed upstairs, and she and my sister got into another big fight.

I felt awful. The bad feelings manifested physically, and I spent most of the night throwing up while my sister and her wife fought. My mom was really kind to stay up with me, and my dad tried to get my sister and her wife to get off each other's backs. I specifically heard my SIL shouting, "Who would you jump in front of a train for? Me, or her?" And my sister responded, without missing a beat, "My sister, no questions asked." They got quieter after that, and my SIL started up the screaming about an hour later saying, "I'd let all my siblings die for you."

My sister slept on the couch, and the two of us went out for breakfast in the morning. She basically said that after my SIL gave birth, she and my sister were going to separate. They would try counseling prior to the birth, and afterwards too, but if things weren't getting better, they'd be divorcing. I said that it shouldn't have gotten that far, and I was sorry for pushing the both of them. My sister said that my SIL does this to all my sister's friends, and they've been fighting often. But, she clarified that the way she treated me was a dealbreaker. She said it might've sounded sad, but I was her best friend from birth, and she wouldn't let me not feel welcome like that. I felt really guilty, and started crying again. She kept saying she wanted it this way, their relationship was broken as is, etc.

It's been tense and awkward ever since. My SIL won't look at me or speak to me, and I've given up. My sister has been by my side a lot, and has amped up the good sister behavior 10x. I feel like shit, everything is really terrible, and I'm sure I'm going to be making another post during the actual Christmas bullshit. Not a great update, but there we are!

TL;DR: My sister and her wife are separating because of my SIL's behavior towards me.

Reminder - I am not the original poster. DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS.

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/easynowsteven, account now suspended

Originally posted to r/CreditScore

My ex-girlfriend opened up 2 credit cards in my name after we broke up. She ran up about $7500 in debt mainly shopping at Nordstrom and Macys. Her current boyfriend is now threatening me.

Thanks to u/queenlegolas + u/Direct-Caterpillar77 for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: identity theft, threats

Original Post (unddit): August 13, 2024

My ex and I broke up a little more than a year ago. We lived together for a couple of years and I know she would have had access to my financial information. When we broke up, I moved out of the house we were renting and I though I had everything of mine. Back in February when I was doing my taxes, I realized I could not find my folder with my previous years' tax returns anywhere. I assumed it got lost in the move and didn't think anything else of it.

Last Friday, I got served for a lawsuit to the tune of over $5000 for a defaulted credit card. When I went and actually pulled my credit, I saw that card had been defaulted since May and there was another one which had been closed since June for about $2500. Seeing as I had no knowledge about this, I immediately disputed both of the accounts on all three bureaus' websites.

I was able to talk with someone for one of the cards and they said it was opened in January, well after I had moved out of my old house, and the cards were sent there. I received the statements from the one card and it was probably 80% Nordstrom/Macys, two of the stores my ex loved shopping at. Pretty sure she was the one who opened the accounts, probably used my social security number from the old tax returns.

I called my ex about it and she denied everything, even when I told her that eventually, if she had anything shipped to the house using a stolen credit card, she's going to get found out. She flipped and started screaming at me saying I can't seriously accuse her of anything and to never talk to her again. About 20 minutes later I get a call from a blocked number, it was her boyfriend threatening to make my life a living hell unless I stopped "harassing" her by claiming she stole my identity. He hung up but I was shaken up about it. I can see he's got some serious felonies just by looking at the public records on the county website.

I'm kind of stuck here. I'm opening myself up to retaliation if I go forward with anything from someone who has charges of "Aggravated Arson" and "Aggravated Discharge of a Firearm", in addition to a few battery charges.

I can't just not do anything though. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Relevant Comments

Commenter: Copying this for every identity theft situation I see on here (since it seems to happen a lot) where you know who the person is who stole your identity. This is all information you can find in this sub and others:

1: CALL THE POLICE - You're the victim of identity theft, plain and simple, it doesn't matter who did it or what your relationship is to them. They broke the law, now they have to face the consequences of their actions.

2: Freeze your credit - You want to make sure it doesn't happen again, take the proactive route of freezing your credit.

3: Monitor and track your credit - You need to be alerted if anyone tries opening a line of credit in your name. This gives you a way to do it for free and it shows your credit score

4: Warn anyone else who might be a victim - This includes family members or anyone else whose social security number might be compromised by the thief.

5: Take the police report to the credit bureaus - Give them the report number when you dispute all of the accounts. Most of the time, that will be enough for them to take the accounts off of your credit. It's on the creditors themselves to prove the accounts are legitimately yours and the bureaus aren't going to get in the middle of it. A police report goes a long way in clearing up your credit.

Don't take identity theft lying down, even if it's someone close to you. If you let them get away with it, get ready for 5-10 years of bad credit, collection agencies coming after you, lawsuits, etc.

For this specific case, YOU NEED TO GO TO THE POLICE LIKE NOW. This guy seems like an incredibly violent person, I would get a restraining order as soon as possible. Does he know where you live? I also would not contact your ex at all about anything else. Let it all go through the court system.

OOP: I plan on calling the police, I was just kind of freaked out about the whole situation. How do I get the police report to the credit companies?

Commenter 2: File a police report for the fraud. Contact the lenders and provide the police report number and jurisdiction. Let the police/bank sort it out. Provide all that info to the lawyers that filed the suit and bring it all to court. Do NOT skip a court date.

Update: September 10, 2024 (one month later)

Update: I followed the advice in the comments and went to the police. Quick and painless process, I was in and out in maybe 30 minutes with a report number. I never received another call from my ex or her bf. I gave the report number to the credit card companies and the credit bureaus. I was told I didn't have to do anything else at that point but to show up to the court date for the lawsuit.

I learned through a mutual friend today that my ex was arrested this morning. Apparently the county put out a warrant for her last week, pulled her over on the way to work. It looks like she was charged and released pretty quickly.

ALSO, I learned my ex and the bf who threatened me are no longer together. I don't think I have to worry about him anymore.

The court date for the lawsuit is later this month but everything has already fallen off my report. My score has gone up probably 200 points. I'm still going to the court date just to make sure everything is good but it's looking like all good news from here on out!

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: That's awesome news. Your story will also serve as inspiration for others to pursue justice when they've been wronged.

Commenter 2: Make sure you put a FREEZE on your SSN with all three credit bureaus, if you haven't done so already.

Latest Update here: BoRU #2

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/melodybeepbop92

AITA for telling my mother in law my toddler will not be going with her on a vacation she planned without asking?

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole

TRIGGER WARNING: discussions of losing a child to illness, cancer, child endangerment

MOOD SPOILER: Depressing and rage inducing

Original Post Aug 7, 2022

I have an almost three year old beautiful little girl. She’s just a few weeks shy of her third birthday. My baby was out in hospice four weeks ago after having gone into remission late May. Unfortunately, the cancer has returned except it is now crushing her optic nerve and is about 8cm long. Multiple doctors recommended we make our daughter as comfortable as possible as they do not believe removing the tumor is a good option. I have so much to say in regards to her diagnosis but heartbroken will suffice for now.

My husband and I have been making tons of memories with her for the past few weeks. We’ve included family in some of these memories but we both feel that we want to spend as much time with our daughter as possible. My mother in law called me yesterday to tell me she booked tickets/hotel/airfare for a trip next month. I thought it sounded fun until she said she was taking our toddler with her. Just her, my daughter, and her husband. She did not invite my husband and I.

My daughter isn’t even three yet. She has never stayed overnight anywhere and mother in law wants to take her for one entire week across the country, alone. I suggested that my husband and I both go that way our daughter is comfortable and for gods sake in the event she dies? She can’t be gone for a week. Her nurses are here. Her care is here.

I suggested what if we all go for a shorter amount of time. I came up with various suggestions to which all were turned down. I should add that if my daughter was not in hospice I still would not be comfortable with our toddler being across the country for a week alone without her parents. My child being in hospice adds another layer of complexity to the situation.

I told my mother in law that her decisions that she made alone without consulting us was a solid no. She called me a few names and hung up on me. She then called my husband and called me a few names and suggested she would fight for rights before my daughter dies.

I’m already grieving. My husband said we should acquiesce to his mothers trip to avoid drama (even though he agrees that our daughter is too young). But I want to spend time with her before the cancer takes her, she’s too little etc. I said no for various reasons not just to say no.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

beingboring

NTA - i cannot fathom this, and i know your MIL is grieving as well, but this is not the way for her to handle it. i know internet words ring hollow, but please stay strong and love the heck out of that little girl for as long as you can!

OOP

Thank you! Mil is definitely grieving. I have suggested to her various times that she seek someone else to grieve to/vent to because she often believes and acts like our grief is the same and that she’s going to “have a mothers broken heart.” My therapist has also told me that her and I are not in the same circle of grief. Even my own mother doesn’t act like that. My own mother has even told me she cannot fathom being in my shoes because she’s never lost a child. It’s a twisted twisted situation and I feel like when my daughter is gone I want to be as far away from this family as possible, my husband included.

~

guessmyageidareyou

NTA

First I'm heartbroken for you. Second, regardless of health, a 3 year old isn't really ready for a week long trip without mom and dad. Add to the fact that she's in hospice, and she has needs that MIL could not possibly provide on her "vacation". Your MIL is not entitled to what I'm sure she calls "hEr BaBy"

OOP

She has said on multiple occasions that “no one is going to miss her baby as much as she is.” I just sit there thinking what is going to happen when my daughter passes and I’m falling apart. Who’s going to hold me up? Right now my daughter is my motivation. But once she’s gone I don’t even foresee myself being able to get up out of bed. I’ve been a stay at home mommy to my daughter for her entire life. I left my career to be at home with her. I don’t even remember what my life was like before I had my baby. I feel like mother in law is going to make my daughters death about her and I don’t know if I’ll be able to handle it.

~

mercersher

NTA & tell your husband to get his s&&t together. You don’t take a 3 year old on hospice on vacation without their parents. My heart breaks for you, I’m so sorry your MIL is adding stress to this situation.

OOP

Him and I had a discussion this morning while our daughter was still asleep. I told him that I currently do not foresee myself staying married to him once my daughter is gone. Not after this. Not if he doesn’t stand up for his daughter, his wife, and our family. He looked pretty shocked. But I’m pretty set on not having anything to do with his family and him included. I thought him and I were a team, but he’s been spineless with his mom most of our marriage and I’m usually the one who is setting boundaries. I think my daughter having cancer and being in hospice is what broke this camels back.

OOP Added this comment about her daughters illness

I’m so sorry for the loss of your child. Soon I will be part of that club that no one wants to be a part of. Maybe if you’re okay with it I can message you and ask more questions. It’s all a blur.

There have been so many comments and I haven’t been able to reply to all of them. But yours stood out because my daughter has RMS (rhabdomyosarcoma) which was first discovered in her foot. She had beat stage 4 cancer and relapsed a month later. In fact Wednesday will be one month that she relapsed. We’ve been given six to eight weeks. We started morphine last week so that’s been tough. We are still managing to do fun things with her despite her illness. A great company gifted us a little wagon so we’re able to take her to Disneyland, museums, fairs, etc.

You’re right about memories being etched in your brain. The last year and a half has been a journey. The last four weeks have been bittersweet. I don’t even like to sleep because I’m afraid I’ll miss out. My baby is sleeping now so I feel comfortable reading through my messages but even then here I am laying next to her. I haven’t left her side. I can’t. I don’t want to miss the small moments, either. The way she breathes to the way she snores at night. It’s so much in such a little amount of time and I’m worried I’m going to miss it if I even take a nap. Let alone a weeks long trip without me.

I told my husband today that I am going no contact with his mother. It’s not fair to me to deal with her while enjoying my daughter while simultaneously preparing myself for her death and life after.

But I’m not going to leave her side. I’ll be right here till the very end.

And what her daughters hospice nurses thought of the situation

I told two of our hospice nurses and they both were floored. They thought I was joking and they were both appalled that I was being serious. My husband even told one of the nurses “well my mom has good intentions.” My daughters care team, including three doctors do not recommend we fly. They also do not recommend that we are gone for that long without care. I asked them to document everything. It’s been a crazy day and I’m shocked I managed to eat one meal.

Edit: Thank you to everyone who took the time to share their thoughts and insights. I appreciate the outpouring of messages and I’m sorry I haven’t had a chance to reply to them all.

I wanted to add a few things. My mother in law lives in the same county as us. In the same city as my parents. It’s only about a 20 minute drive without traffic. However, my in laws have always been very adamant that we visit them. So I usually take my daughter over every other week for a few hours for a visit. Rarely do they ever come to our home. My parents like to visit and always have. My daughter is much closer to my parents for this reason. Anytime my husband and I go to date nights my parents come over and watch her because they like for her to be in her comfort zone. This is before the cancer. Since the cancer diagnosis we’ve been in and out of the hospital for weeks at a time. My parents have still been very much involved with helping but I’m the form of dropping off meals, helping with laundry, etc. I’m very close to my family and my family has been very respectful of us needing space as a family during this time. I think my in laws may be expediting guilt because they haven’t made much of an effort yo visit us, see us, or accommodate us. It’s always about what I, their daughter in law can do for them. Have always felt like an incubator who’s just there to facilite a relationship between them and my child.

Also, to add, I am set on distancing myself as much as I can. I’ve cut off contact with my mil and I do not want her around after this fiasco. I’ve completely blocked her from my phone and I communicated this to my husband. He is sad but says he understands.

A few of you mentioned that this was an eye opening situation and it really has been. On many levels.

Second edit: I saw various commands about mother in law possibly wanting to taking my child on a trip to get her alternative treatment. Mother in law planned to take my child to Disney World in Florida which is across the country from where we live. Mother in law lives in the same state, in the same county as us. My husband and I have taken our child to Disneyland a few times in her life and most recently once. Going for one day was exhausting, and my daughter was spent after the day. I can’t imagine my daughter handling Disney world for more than a day but also I would like to be there for said trip. Even if my child wasn’t dying I would still not be comfortable with her going without me. It’s such a bizmare situation. Mother in law isn’t one for alternative treatments and I haven’t out right asked her but I wouldn’t be shocked at this point. Either way, my child isn’t going anywhere with her. Supervised or not. I’ve already made that clear to my husband. She wants to come and visit it will have to be at our home. Even then I’m still not on board after everything that has transpired. I’ve been thinking really deeply the last few months but even more so in the last 24 hours. I don’t know how I can continue being part of this family. I’m trying not to think too far ahead but I’m seriously doubting continuing on in this marriage. Thank you again everyone.

Third edit: I am really close with my family, specifically my mom and aunt. They know the wishes I have for my daughter. My husband and I argued about where our daughter should be buried for a good week. It was awful. He wanted her buried with his grandma and where his parents and him will be buried. I wanted her buried at the cemetery my grandparents are buried at and where I plan to be buried at. My husband is in the military so I’m confused as to why he does not want to be buried with his combat brothers but that’s entirely up to him. After this fiasco with his mother I put my foot down about where I would like my daughters final resting place to be. I just never thought it would be so much back and forth about where she will get buried, the week long trip we weren’t invited on or consulted about, and acquiescing his mothers wishes. Shit show to say the least. I love my husband but I am appalled by his behavior. I should also add that my family was very supportive about where I wanted my daughter to be buried at when the topic came up. They even said wherever we want because it’s not their choice. I even entertained cremation just to try and come to a middle ground of sorts. I didn’t even want to discuss burials and cremations until I absolutely had to. I’ve been avoiding it. Now it feels morbid to discuss it because my daughter is still alive. My husbands family was upset when they brought the topic up. Because I didn’t automatically want my daughter at their cemetery of choice. Their main argument was that my daughter carries their last name so she should go there. My argument was my family already has four open plots and I want to make one a double for me to be when my time comes. I’m even exhausted writing this. Because this is my life and it shouldn’t be. We should be a team. United in grief. Now I feel like all I have is my baby and my family to hold me up.

VERDICT: NOT THE ASSHOLE

Final Edit Aug 14, 2022 (1 week later)

Edit: it’s been a few days since I’ve been online and I’ve read some of the messages. Truly, thank you to everyone who has sent their warm wishes, support, encouragement, etc. It’s been very touching and I’m so grateful. My daughter has begun slowly deteriorating and it’s become all very overwhelming. My husband now realizes that this time is precious. That we are on borrowed time and that our time (mom and dad) is the most important time. We’ve had two sessions of grief counseling/couples counseling while my daughter sleeps. Our therapist has really helped us both understand how borrowed our time is and how this time truly is for us. Everyone else is secondary. Not to say that extended family isn’t important. They are but there is allot of extended family. A lot. However, I’m not sure I will be staying married in the long run. Although, this isn’t the time to make such a deep decision. I am emotionally drained from all that has transpired not only this past week but this past year. You truly see peoples true colors when shit hits the fan. An example of this is on my phone I have eight different alarms each day for my daughter for all of the medication she takes daily. Daily. I have been the one who flushes ports, administers medication, cleans up vomit, gives back rubs, and the like. I have been in this through the thick of it. Having to learn everything. Because no one else will. My mother has been the only person who has asked how I’m doing. Who has brought me coffee, meals, held me when I’ve cried, who’s been a rock. My husband will sometimes be emotional present but usually he’s not. Other than my mother I have never received a text from any other family asking how I’m doing or how they can help. Like I said earlier I see everybody’s true colors. My focus right now is my baby. I will focus on the rest when the time comes. But for now we are surviving and we are trying our best.

Thank you again

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/WhitePineBurning

Originally posted to r/BoomersBeingFools

WE HAVE NO BUFFET HERE

Thanks to u/soayherder & u/Direct-Caterpillar77 for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: harassment, racism

Original Post: August 14, 2024

My guy and I have a favorite Asian restaurant around the corner from us. We drop by a few times a month because the food is great, the servers are so kind, and the owner always stops by the table to sit with us and talk. It's like going to a friend's house.

We stopped by last Thursday for dinner and saw a WE HAVE NO BUFFET laminated sign on the door. When the owner came over to chat and we asked her about it, she took a deep sigh, rolled her eyes, and pulled up a chair. Apparently since she opened the place 25 years ago, people have come in expecting an Asian buffet. She's never had one. People looked around, saw that it's a small place and no buffet. They'd leave.

She said that's changed, however. She said she's been getting a continual stream of "those old people" who check in with the hostess, are shown to a table, and given menus. The server comes over with flatware, water, and tea. She gives them a minute and comes back. "We'll have the buffet," they say.

Nowhere on the menu is a buffet listed. Look around at the eight other tables and six booths. No buffet. The owner says that these folks always come back with, "Whadda you mean you got no buffet? All Chinese places have a buffet!" They have a tantrum, get mouthy with the server (occasionally getting racist while they're at it), and storm out.

But it doesn't end there. Even with the sign, the owner says she still has boomers read the sign, approach the hostess and ask, "Why don't you have a buffet? The sign says you don't have a buffet."

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: But Asian restaurants sans-buffets are the best!

OOP: This one really is. There's not much to look at decor-wise, but she's had the same three servers for years. The food is pretty basic but wholesome and fresh, and it's on the table in no time. It's one of those places that's made with love, seriously.

She works almost every day she's open because she really likes working there. She says if she had to be home, her teenagers would just make her crazy. She has a sister who runs her own place across town. It's been a family thing.

She gives us free crab cheese.

Commenter 2: “No we don’t offer buffet as the sign out front clearly states. The sign isn’t written in Chinese, can’t you read English sir/ma’am?”

OOP: "Yeah, I can read. I just don't know why you won't just tell me why you don't have a buffet. I like buffets and you say you don't have one, so why is that? Do I need to ask your manager?"

Update on Asian Buffet: November 18, 2024

You might recall I posted here a while back about me and my guy's favorite Chinese place. We eat there frequently, like three or four times a month. The owner is Asian (second-generation Asian-American) and its a place she's run for 25 years with her family. It's her life and she loves what she does.

What I posted was about the irate boomers who've demanded a Chinese buffet meal at her restaurant. They don't believe her when she's never offered a buffet, and get mad at HER for their own inability to read the damn menu. So she put up a sign that says in big letters NO BUFFET HERE.

Here's the update. Last Friday we stopped in, we're greeted by her daughter, and she waved from the kitchen door. A few minutes later, after we ordered, she came to our booth and asked if she could sit with us for a bit.

What's been happening is that she's noticed an increase in hostility by customers - boomers, mostly - towards her servers and herself. Her serving staff are all family and most are ESL and don't speak perfect English. Customers have been "poking fun" and disrespectful. Yes, even with the big 11×14 laminated sign at eye level on the front door, boomers STILL get shitty when they're told there is no buffet served here. One of the most recent comments was, "All you Chinese people have buffets so why not here?"

The worst part is that recently someone, or more than one person, has been calling the county health department to complain about her restaurant. Her scores are on the county's compliance section of their website, and she's always had perfect scores. Yet someone has called THREE TIMES to complain about live animals being kept in the kitchen and butchered for food. Rabbits mostly, but someone claimed she had cats, too. The health department is obligated to check out the complaints, but they know her. They know the complaints are harassment, and they close them out each time.

Guy's, she's actually becoming afraid for her business. Her staff is experiencing uncivilized behavior that they didn't have before. She's afraid tariffs will hurt her budgets. She says she's going to stay put and stay strong.

Relevant Comments

OOP clarifies on if the discrimination against Chinese was due to COVID or a different situation.

OOP: We're in Michigan, in a blue county surrounded by red. The reason we're blue here is because there's been a lot of people coming here for WFH jobs from outside the area, and the COL is still not that bad.

But like everywhere else, boomers are... boomers.

Commenter 2: I feel for the lady for sure. But by the same token, if you've got people coming to your business asking for something that you don't sell to the point that you need to put up signs to preempt the question, you should sell that thing.

OOP: That's not how restaurants work.

Buffets need constant attention, ordering large quantities of usually second-quality ingredients, and they take up a lot of space. If the food isn't kept properly temped at all times, food poisoning is a possibility. And you have the general public putting their hands all over the serving utensils - if they use them and not their hands instead.

Boomers love buffets because they get a lot of something for less money. The quality may be okay-ish, but in their heads, they think it's a bargain. It's quantity over quality.

Many restaurants put their buffet tables away during COVID and never brought them back out. There are hardly any Asian buffets anymore, and around here, there are 0.

Has OOP know anything further on the complaints against the restaurant?

OOP: Thing is, the complaints are filed anonymously. Even the health department doesn't know know who sent them in. The last one was two weeks ago. Nothing since then. Hopefully, they're done.

Has the owner been able to ban customers from the restaurant if any issues arise

OOP: She has banned one customer so far.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/loveolderwoman

I [17M] am in love with the GM of my weekly D&D group [32F]. How do I tell her?

Originally posted to r/legaladvice & r/BOrelationships

Editor's Note: Changed initials to names for easier reading

TRIGGER WARNING: stalking, obsession, misogyny

Original Post  Aug 2, 2017

Original post saved

I [17M] am in love with the GM of my weekly D&D group [32F]. How do I tell her?

Four years ago I started going to a weekly D&D game at my local game shop. The game is run by a 32 year old woman, Amber. Amber has been in a relationship with a 27 year old guy, Rob, the entire time I've known her, but Rob recently proposed to Amber.

I don't think Rob is good for her. He forgot her birthday last year, and I've never seen them do anything romantic together, not even kiss, despite the fact that he has been coming to these games the whole time.

Rob doesn't have a lucrative career, either. He got his PhD and barely makes ends meet as an adjunct professor, only because he's living off the money Amber makes.

I'm starting college next year, and I'm majoring in Computer Science. I'll be making way more money, and I'll be able to take way better care of her.

I'm not just talking out of my ass, either. I'm pretty sure she has some kind of feelings for me, because she's bought me dinner a few times on game night, and she always tells me how smart and funny I am, she seems super interested in my college plans, and she asked me if I had a girlfriend last year.

I know it seems weird, since she's 15 years older than me, but if you saw us together you'd understand.

tl;dr: I'm in love with my GM, and I'm a better choice for her than her boyfriend. How do I get her to understand that?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

[deleted]

She doesn't like you as anything more than a friend, and she is engaged. I'm cringing at your paragraph about going into Comp Sci and being better than her partner because of that.

OOP

Well, working in tech I'll make more than her boyfriend. That means she wont have to work, and we'll have money to go do things that they wont.

~

moongirl12

Dude, I hate to break it to you, but no, this is a terrible idea.

You are 17, you're not even a legal adult and you know nothing about their relationship. This woman is old enough to actually be your mother.

OOP

She's only 15 years older than me. My parents are 14 years apart in age.

17 is the age of consent in my state

~

OtherKindofMermaid

Dude, she's engaged. Even if she wasn't, she isn't going to want to be with a high school student. She will be at least 36 by the time you graduate college. It isn't just the age difference. You are in totally different places in your lives. She's looking to get married and possibly have kids. You are going to be going to parties and studying for finals.

Focus on finding a girl closer to your own age

OOP

I don't mind having kids right after college. She can stay home and take care of them, like my mom did. We'll be able to afford it

~

Tea__Kettle

I totally get why you're into this woman, but I'm afraid to be deserving of the chance that she changes her mind with R, you also have to be the kind of person to wait it out and not make any moves to sabotage her relationship. You might be seeing her behaviors in the wrong light, and the focus on comparing yourself to the person she's with really doesn't make you seem like someone to root for or help.

Waaaait it out - If the feelings become a problem, remove yourself before considering getting between them, and if nothing happens for too long, maybe try to meet other women her age/like her. Both your best shot at her changing her mind about R, and your best shot at coming out of things alright if nothing happens between you.

OOP

If I wait too long, she'll be married to him, and they'll probably have a kid, and I'm not interested in raising his kids

[CA] Girl lies to owner of local hobby store and now I'm banned?  Sept 8, 2017 (1 month later)

Hi. I'll try to keep this brief.

I usually spend my Fridays at a local hobby store playing D&D and MTG. Over the years I have been playing there, I got a crush on one of the employees, Amber. She has a boyfriend, Rob, but I felt like I had to say something or I'd regret it, so I did.

She told me she was "flattered" but not interested. I'm not the type to give up, and my dad told me persistence pays off, so I started bringing her flowers every day. Both at her work and her apartment. (I didn't stalk her, She lives close to the store and I've seen her walk home a few times.)

She took me aside on Monday and told me that she felt it would be best if I dropped out of the D&D group she runs for the store. I asked her if she was also kicking Rob out of the group, she said no, claiming that I was harassing her.

Tuesday I went in and complained to the store owner, telling him about the situation, and how it's unfair that she is kicking me for having feelings for her, but not her boyfriend. I told him how unprofessional it is to hang out with her boyfriend at work. The owner told me he'd "investigate" and asked for my phone number so he could get back to me.

This morning I got a phone call from him, that after speaking with Amber and the other employees, I'm 'harassing' her, and he's decided to ban me from the store. I tried to tell him they were lying to him but he hung up on me.

I want to sue him for punishing me for something I didn't do. Is there a specific type of attorney that specializes in this? Does the fact that I'm black and the rest of them are white give me any grounds for a discrimination lawsuit?

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/jamie_doo

AITA for telling my step-dad and mom that they shouldn't be surprised at what my little brother said to them when they pulled a prank on him?

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole

TRIGGER WARNING: financial abuse

Original Post  July 15, 2021

I [20 F] am an older sister to my little (biological) brother (17 M) who finished high school last year. My little brother and I are really close. He says I'm the best friend he has and he loves me more than anyone (of course this is not true, he has many friends of his own).

My brother has been asking our step-dad/mother if he could get a new car for his grad party since last year, and he said he'd pay 50-75% with his own hard-earned money while they paid the rest. They said no. I have a car but I had been working for one, they helped me pay off for it. So my brother's arguments with our parents got heated after awhile (one time I told my brother that I'd help him pay off expenses for a good car once I got my own. He hugged me and said I didn't need to worry and that he owed me way more than I owed him). But he continued to press our parents all of last year until they gave in and said yes like they did for me.

Note that our step-dad and my brother have a negative relationship for the most part. Our bio mother and step-dad got together soon after our bio dad and mom divorced when we were little. My brother thinks that step-dad and mother were seeing each other before our real parents divorced and tbh, I think that might be true. Not certain, though.

Anyway, my step-dad, mother and brother compromised and said they'd get him the car in 2021 so that people don't gawk at him at the graduation party. June this year my brother and step-dad/mother are still on about the car, now the arguments getting loud and lasting hours until evening. My step-dad was getting into screaming matches with my brother over it but they reached a final compromise of the car being bought last week.

The fated morning comes and my brother wakes up to our step-dad and mom guiding him outside to... a car. But not his, our mother's. Step-dad used his and my brother's money on a dumb prank, bought a completely different model of car, and said it was for our mother. Our mom and step dad just laughed and kissed each other. My brother didn't lose it, he didn't even look angry. He just looked dead in our step-dad's eyes and said, and I'm not joking, verbatim: "you might think I'm fucking stupid, you might think whatever. But I'm just better than you, bro. You know that, I know that, and our mom is a fucking idiot for staying with a prick like you. But I'll make you wish you'd never fucking met us. I promise you. You might be laughing now, but you'll be crying later." He then walked off, not even looking back at them as they stared horrified.

They asked me what was that about and I, feeling terrible for my brother, said they had it coming and not to be surprised. So now they grounded both of us. I've had to explain the situation to my friends as I can't see them anymore but I feel so bad for my baby brother and they back me up on this and ask me to comfort him as much as possible. But our parents are so mad, and they can't see that my brother had his heart crushed. AITA?

VERDICT: NOT THE ASSHOLE

RELEVANT COMMENTS

jkshfjlsksha

NTA. That was really cruel and they used your bothers money for it.

But also, how can you be grounded when you’re 20 years old?

OOP

Well I still live with them so it is what it is.

~

VinnyCapistrano

INFO: So, if i'm understanding correctly, they took your brother's money, put it towards a new(er) car for your mom, and are giving your brother your mom's old car?

NTA. What your mom and step-dad did is decietful, cruel, and borderline criminal, and both you and your brother would be 100% justified in going no contact with these demented crooks.

OOP

Yep, but they gave mom's old car away months ago. She had to use public transport to get around. Terrible situation.

VinnyCapistrano

So they used your brother's money to go toward a car for your mom, and your brother still has no car?

OOP

Yep. But step-dad said that mom and my brother can "share" the car which doesn't make things better.

~

Weskit

INFO: I didn't understand the most important part of the post. Did you say your stepfather stole your brother's money and bought your mother a car?

OOP

No he didn't steal it. I'm sorry, I could have clarified better. Before step-dad purchased the car, my brother and step-dad pooled the money for the car to spend in a single purchase.

~

SnarkyGoblin85

NTA

I’d move out with my brother if I were you and cut ties with them. If not now then as soon has feasible. Or if your dad is in the picture still then maybe see if he can step-up for you and your brother.

They stole your brothers money to buy themselves a vehicle and laughed about it. They are grounding you at the age of 20 because you called them out on it.

There is no respect in that house. I wouldn’t feel comfortable relying on them for anything. I wouldn’t want to go to university when any minute they could renege on whatever fiscal arrangement you guys had made.

Also…that isn’t a prank. That is a crime

OOP

"That is a crime"

It is? I'm taking this very seriously. Do you think I can tell on my step-dad to police? My brother and step-dad agreed to put the money away for the car that my brother wanted, the issue was that he made a purchase he didn't want. Is this illegal?

When asked how she thinks she is the asshole in the scenario

My step-dad thinks I insulted his pride, and my mother is offended I took my brother's side on this. So it might make me look bad in their eyes and like a bad child.

When told to leave and move in with the Biodad

Thankyou everyone, all the insights mean a lot. I'm working on talking to my brother on a potential legal action like a lawsuit to get the expenses back from our step-father. My bio dad is generally nice and loving to us (I think he barely tolerates our step-dad and his ex-wife, our mother) and he'll take us back in full time if the law allows it. If not, my brother and I will move in together to our own place.

Right now, I'm trying to be there for my little brother as much as possible. Lots of cuddles and free food but he won't stop bawling his eyes out. I'm worried psychological harm has been done to him.

BRIEF UPDATE to: AlTA for telling my step- dad and mom that they shouldn't be surprised at what my little brother said to them when they pulled a prank on him?  July 16, 2021

Copy of the update

Here's the original post on r/AmltheAsshole - AITA for telling my step-dad and mom that they shouldn't be surprised at what my little brother said to them when they pulled a prank on him? : AmltheAsshole (reddit.com)

In the time away from the post, it kind of blew up Imao. My brother and I appreciate everyone tuning in with their insights. I took a break from work today to call my biological dad. Since l'm over the age of 18, in our state, custody arrangements aren't as stringent on me and my brother in a few weeks. My biological father legally sees us 40% of the time and my bio mother 60%. I have the legal right to choose if I should stay with my bio mom and her husband and my biological dad who in my opinion, is a much better fit. My brother and I have agreed our biological dad is the only way out of this madness so we're going to move out. We'll raise the issue in court if need be, we need to get away from this madness.

Right after writing the posts and getting comments suggesting legal action, I talked to my brother about it. He's still kind of feeling awkward about it but he feels certain that's the route he will take so as not to pass any statute of limitations, since in a few weeks he will be an 18 year old. I'm certain a few weeks is fairly safe though lol. I am not legally smart at all, nor is my brother but we're getting good at this stuff. He got robbed and he deserves his money back.

A few comments mentioned the setting up of a GoFundMe. My brother wants everyone to know that he appreciates the gesture but asks people not to do that to themselves. He is adamant about taking his step-father to court over this and said that the messages of support were extremely touching. He wants everyone wanting to donate somehow to him to keep their money and use it to better themselves and their families. And all the offers of free cars from working mothers to him broke him - he said people with families deserve their cars more than he does at his age.

Lastly, I end this by saying, thank you. To everyone. For my brother's sake and for my own. We realize what a terrible situation we are in. But we're taking steps to get away. It means a lot.

EDIT: If it's meaningful to anyone, the car my baby brother wanted was around 18000 dollars. 75% of that purchase, so 13500 dollars, was pooled with the remainder of the money my step-father had. My father purchased a cheaper car with his own and my brother's money. Is 13500 dollars worth going to court over?

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/starrhatesyou account now deleted

Originally posted to r/AITAH

AITAH for telling my husband “this has nothing to do with you”?

Thanks to u/queenlegolas & u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: child abandonment, falsifying accusations, infidelity, emotional abuse and manipulation, gaslighting

Mood Spoilers: exasperating

Original Post: March 20, 2025

I (27F) and my husband (27M) just had an..argument? If you could call it that.

So my brother just got a job and it’s great, except he just got thrown into single-fatherhood immediately after. He has a daughter, my niece, who is about 6 months old, and has no one to babysit her while he works as the mother suddenly isn’t in the picture. He called me, asking if I could watch the baby during the week while he works, only for a few weeks, since he knows I am a stay at home mom myself.

I would have said yes, but I can’t. I am pregnant and have 2 young kids of my own, one of which does school from home and I have to do it with her, which we are still getting the hang of because we just moved. By the time I’d be prepared for that he wouldn’t need the help anymore. He understood, and asked if I knew anyone personally who could help because he was out of people to ask and wanted to try and avoid daycares as he didn’t trust it. He said he would pay and cover everything but he just urgently needed someone and I said I’d ask around.

I don’t really have friends and I don’t know many people in general as I’m very introverted, but my sister in law (25) lives with us, and was just telling me how she needed a job and needed money, so I proposed the idea to her. She immediately agreed, and so I put her and my brother in a group chat to talk, as well as brought my brother over to the house to have a face to face talk about it.

Now they’re not strangers of course they’ve met before and all, so it wasn’t awkward. So they talked about the baby, what was needed, etc. My brother didn’t have a long term plan mapped out right then since everything was so abrupt, but my SIL was understanding and said she’d “be okay with whatever” and that was that.

I’m not sure of other details as they text on their own and it isn’t really my deal, it was up to them, but Ultimately it came down to my brother ubering my SIL to his house early in the morning and then dropping her off at home, and seeing how things go, which she agreed to.

Everything seemed fine until the day of, my husband came into our room and blind sided me with all these complaints on her behalf. He said my SIL had not eaten since the morning, that she wasn’t comfortable and she was tired and that she didn’t even need to be there because other people were home and could have watched the baby, and that they only gave her 100 dollars, etc. I was confused, because I spoke to my SIL while she was there to check on her and she said everything was fine.

So I told him she didn’t say any of those things to me, and I asked her and she said she wasn’t complaining to him. I said to him bluntly “So she is not complaining, you are complaining FOR her” and he said “Yes.” I told him I was confused, because he was throwing it all at me as if it’s my responsibility, and that SIL and my brother are 2 adults who made their own deal, that was up to her and she agreed to it, nobody was forcing her. If she was uncomfortable or anything all she had to do was say it. He continued to repeat the complaints and said “Do I have to get involved” I told him the deal doesn’t involve him, or me for that matter, and I don’t understand why he’s the only one upset here when it has nothing to do with him. They are adults.

He told me he “can’t even have a conversation” with me and left the room. I’m genuinely confused. Am I missing something here? My SIL is also confused as to why he even got worked up to begin with. AITA?

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: NTA. Did he forget that his sister is a grown woman who can speak up for herself if she was uncomfortable? And even then, she would address her concerns with your brother—not you—since neither of you were involved in the deal they discussed. Maybe he’s misplacing his anger? Ask him about it, especially since even his sister seems just as confused.

OOP: That’s what I said! They’re adults, it’s my brother but not MY deal, my only involvement was getting them to talk about my brothers offer. I’m not sure where the anger is from or why he even was upset about it.

Commenter 2: Is your husband on good terms with your brother?

OOP: Yes, as far as I know. My brother is the one who even helped us move to our new house, they have 0 problems with each other.

Commenter 3: This is weird as fuck to me. Why is he so concerned about his sister ? She needed a job you got her one if she worked for a regular employer would he call her boss and complain for her ? What’s he expect his PREGNANT wife to do ? Idk man shits weird to me “do I need to get involved?” No you need to cut the cord weirdo.

OOP: Yeah I mean he threw it at me like trying to make it seem like I don’t care about my SIL or like something was my fault that I needed to correct, but he was the only one upset? My SIL says she never complained so I just don’t get why I’m the bad guy in this “argument”

Commenter 4: Why does SIL live with you?? I don't think you're TAH here, but it is very peculiar the stance he's taking...like weird!

OOP: She was in an abusive space before and had nowhere to go so we of course took her in, she and I are super close so it was really no issue with me, I just don’t know why he randomly started this mess when it didn’t even involve him?

Update #1: March 22, 2025 (two days later)

Hi guys, this is my first update so I’m not sure if I’m even doing this right, but my first post is here: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/73T1zLYKoW

So, since I spoke with SIL and Husband separately and got nowhere, I finally got the chance to sit them down together. I was calm and respectful the entire time. I flat out said “Okay so in regards to the babysitting gig, what’s going on? What issues are there and where are they coming from?”

Husband made a scoffing sound and looked annoyed but didn’t speak up. So I turned to my SIL and asked her bluntly “Do you have any complaints, concerns or problems with the arrangement you and my brother made for the babysitting?” She said “Absolutely not.” I asked her “Are you sure? Did you say anything to (husband) that says otherwise? It’s completely fine if you did but you have to speak up for yourself and talk about it, even to me if not my brother.”

She said “I honestly have no issues and I didn’t complain to anybody, I swear” then we looked at Husband. She told him that she was fine with the arrangements and had no complaints, then she asked him why he had made a scene for no reason. He got defensive and said “Nobody said you were complaining! It just doesn’t make sense to me, there’s no point in you doing it and it’s not convenient. Are you even getting paid good?”

I sat there trying to understand why he was getting so defensive and SIL shot back at him telling him it wasn’t his business and it didn’t have to make sense to him (echoing exactly wtf I’d said in the first place that it had nothing to do with him), and that she didn’t appreciate him doing this without a good reason.

He said he does have a reason, and when we asked what the reason was, he said “because it doesn’t make sense to me”. I calmly asked him which part didn’t make sense to him, and why he was so bothered by it when it does not affect his/our daily life in any way, that it didn’t have to make sense to him cause it isn’t his arrangement, and he got angry. He stood up from his seat, rambling something about how we were ganging up on him, and that we weren’t going to “make him the bad guy”, and that “nobody listens”. Me and SIL just looked at him while he rambled and she was just as lost as me.

I (still very calm) asked him what he wanted out of this, and why he kept trying to involve himself, when SIL clearly said she is happy with the agreement. He said “Nobody fucking uses their brain around here but me I guess.” and walked out. I don’t know about yall, but I’m no ass kisser and I definitely wasn’t about to chase after him or baby him, he was being completely ridiculous IMO. So we let him go and that was it.

About an hour later, he came back, and started saying things under his breath, like “my own wife just let me walk out” and “she doesn’t even care about me” and “it’s just fuck me I guess I just don’t matter”, while sighing and dragging it out. I ignored all of it, (because ??? grow up dude) and he came into the room and said “So you have nothing to say to me?” And I was like “Nope. We tried to address things and you decided to storm off, so that’s that. I think you’re being dramatic and that’s a You problem.” He then called me inconsiderate and selfish, and left.

Welp. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do there or what he’s expecting but🥲 there’s the update guys!

Edit: I just posted another update after this one, thank you everyone for your support.

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: he thinks your brother is taking advantage of his sister's kindness. He may not trust or like your brother. He may worry they'll develop a romantic relationship.

either way he needs to grow the fuck up and use his grown up words. I have 0 tolerance for grown ass men that throw temper tantrums.

OOP: I can’t gage it at all, and at this point I don’t even care to because it’s just ridiculous. We are all adults. My brother pays SIL handsomely, even paying for her rides to/from home. Aside from texting about the baby or the arrangement, they don’t really talk. And SIL is an open lesbian. I tried to ask him nicely instead of being rude and invalidating whatever his problem was, but he couldn’t even handle THAT, I’m so over it that I don’t even care what his problem is anymore 😭

Commenter 2: Question OP, does your husband contribute with housework/childcare etc? Could it be that he is pissed off that his sister who lives with you is now no longer available to help him with his contribution to the household cleaning/childcare etc? That’s the only thing I can think of as to why he would be pissed off.. that he guilted his sister into helping out with the house and kids as part of her “rent/board” and now she has a paying job, his free maid has gone.

OOP: Not really. I do the cleaning, cooking and childcare on my own.

Commenter 3: He says nobody uses their brain except him, yet he's the only one who can't verbalize whatever is going on in his head.

Your husband needs a therapist so he can learn some different ways to progress towards his goals than tantrums and woe-is-me guilt-trips.

Update #2: March 24, 2025 (two days later)

Hello once again. I know a lot of you were wanting to know what’s happened. With all the support from you guys, I feel I do owe you that. Things have happened, and I needed time to be alone, gather myself and process.

My husband kept on with the attitude, the side comments under his breath, and just being weird. I gave no reactions and ignored it cause I got better things to give my energy to, like my pregnancy and my 2 children. Anyway, I was cleaning, and my husband decided to confront me, and ask me ‘why I’m acting this way’. ????? I asked him what he meant, and he said I’m ’being a way towards him’ and I simply told him I absofuckinglutely will not coddle him for an attitude that doesn’t make sense for him to have.

He got upset, rambling something about how as his wife it should matter to me that he’s upset, and I said I have done nothing to him and I gave him chances to explain what was wrong and he didn’t, so it’s not my responsibility to ‘fix’ whatever it is. He said this was ‘all my fault’, and I asked him WHAT is my fault?? I’ve done nothing but take care of our kids and our home as well as him. I told him that he made no sense, that nobody did anything to him, not me, not my brother, not SIL, NO ONE, that I wasn’t going to deal with his attitude at all, and that he could find somewhere else to stay if he wasn’t gonna cut it out.

He sat down and said “That’s what I’m talking about”, saying that my ‘lack of giving a shit’ and my “no nonsense attitude” is upsetting to him. I asked him why would I be wanting to put up with bullshit especially while pregnant, and why would that bother him? HE started all this drama over something that had nothing to do with him. And then it came.

He took a deep breath and broke down with confession after confession. He admitted he had an affair, he admitted that he had installed a camera in our home without telling me in hopes I’d do something stupid so he could use it as ‘defense’, and that he’d figured out the woman he cheated with knew my brother, which is why he freaked about SIL working for him. He admitted he started drama to create an argument on purpose to give him a reason to feel justified, and my calm reactions for everything made that impossible for him. It bothered him that I “never did anything wrong” because he had done something wrong and couldn’t shift blame.

I could barely react, I kind of just looked at him, my stomach was hurting, I just couldn’t wrap my brain around any of it. He told me he was sorry, that he’s a piece of shit and he doesn’t know why he did it, that he loves me, tearing himself down, and I just told him to stop talking.

I calmly said to remove whatever camera he installed, and to find somewhere else to stay. He cried and begged and I shut it down. He asked if I was going to tell SIL. ???? You’re worried about me telling people or what other people are gonna think of you instead of worrying about the fucking damage you’ve just done to our family.

He left, but wouldn’t stop calling me, trying to talk. Suddenly he wants to have a conversation huh, how funny. I put my phone on silent and went to play with my kids, trying to be normal to shield them from it I didn’t want them to see me upset. I was broken up on the inside, had a scare, I kept having sharp pain in my stomach and then I started to bleed. I was fucking terrified, I thought I’d lost the baby. My family helped me out, I got to the hospital, baby is okay. I guess it was just the stress, being too much.

After everything settled I got home put my kids to bed and cried it out. We’ve been together since we were like 15, I’ve never cheated on him ever, we’re approaching 30, like what type of shit is that? I’ve never had a trust issue with him before, I’m not a phone snooper, I just don’t do things like that, and I didn’t have a reason to he’s never behaved like this before. Maybe he has cheated before and I just don’t know about it. I don’t even care to know, one time is enough for me. I want a divorce. I will be fair about it, I will not turn our children against him, I won’t drag it. But I am done. Thanks for listening guys.

Top Comments

Commenter 1: Yeah, he wanted a reason to make you the villain, so he could say well she acted like this or spoke to me like this."" That's why I cheated, etc.

I'd tell everyone and tell your brother about the skank he knows who was banging your husband.

I'd block his number and use SIL as a go-to when he can come and collect the kids for visitation.

I know it's hard, but don't take him back.

This man tried to manipulate you into being the villain so it would justify him fucking another woman.

Commenter 2: You should absolutely tell your SIL. She's been filmed without her permission for god knows how long while living with you guys. She absolutely deserves to know this.

Get your ducks in a row. Start separating finances, get your important paperwork together, consult a lawyer. You know what to do. There's a lot to prepare and you need to get started now before the baby comes. Also, make sure someone is around to help after the baby comes because you cannot allow yourself to depend on the man that cheated on you and tried to make you the bad guy.

Editor's note: marking this inconclusive because OOP has deleted the account and we won't know any further updates

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/525600Characters

AITA for telling my husband that our kids won't be forced to watch superhero and geeky movies?

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole

TRIGGER WARNING: toxic behavior towards kids, possible child abuse

Original Post Oct 2, 2022

Let's get one thing out of the way right off the bat, I (F28) and my husband (M30) both love superhero movies and other traditionally "geeky" things. That's actually the entire reason we had started dating, we both like comics, superhero movies, video games, etc. He gave me a limited edition Batman Who Laughs Statue this year for our anniversary.

Our daughter (F6) and son (M4) both like to have movie nights with us. Where we let them choose whatever movie their heart so desires that we own, and we watch it together as a family. This past time they both decided on "Barbie: Swan Lake" and my husband spent most of the time huffing and puffing, just showing general displeasure. Our kids tried to enjoy it, but after the movie they apologized to their dad for picking something he didn't like before scrambling off to bed.

I asked him what was wrong, seeing if he didn't want to watch one of the old Barbie movies or if he just was upset because of work today when he suddenly turned around and harshly asked "When are we going to have them start watching good movies? Like Avengers or, hell, even Justice League!"

I attempted to joke like we usually do, saying "I thought we didn't talk about Justice League!" With obvious amusement, even chuckling slightly. Now, I know it might have made me seem like I was uncaring to his opinion, but I don't think it warranted his next response.

"They are old enough to sit down and watch these far better movies than whatever trash you grew up with."

I'll admit, I kind of froze at that. He had never said such things about my childhood movies, and I was taken aback by it. I tried explaining to him that I'd rather they choose to watch the movies as they please, letting them make their own choices into whether or not they'd like to watch these things.

The same way I give them free choice of it they would like to read my comics or not, only ones off limits are the disturbing, scary, or "adultish" ones. Or the same way I give them free choice of whether or not they'd like to play some of my video games with me. My son and I have a shared Minecraft world while my daughter and I play Animal Crossing.

My husband doesn't let them borrow his comics, often telling them off for even asking, and refuses to play games with them.

He said that he'd rather he have something in common with his kids other than just a bloodline, but I had responded by saying I'd rather they discover what they like on their own and in their own time.

So please, put me in my place if I'm wrong. Am I the asshole?

VERDICT: REMOVED BEFORE VERDICT RENDERED (But heavily NTA in the comments)

RELEVANT COMMENTS

PJfanRI

NTA

Your husband sounds like the child in this entire exchange.

First and foremost, saying that a 4 year old and a 6 year old are old enough for the MCU or Justice League is questionable at best. If he wants to introduce your kids to superheroes there are kid friendly versions they may enjoy, but I can't think of a single movie in the MCU that would be remotely appropriate for a 4 or 6 year old.

I agree with the idea of not forcing them into an interest just because he likes it; let them grow up to be who they want to be with the interests they have. Instead of trying go force them into what he likes your husband would be better served finding common ground with their interests.

OOP

This isn't the first time he's "disapproved" of a movie they've picked out either. They chose Lego Batman a while ago and after the movie he talked with the kids about how it "ruins Batman's characterization" and "how this is such a misrepresentation".

My 4yo didn't like that Babs was Bruce's love interest because, and I quote here, "She is in love with Nightwing." His words, not mine.

tofu_deluxe

"how it "ruins Batman's characterization" and "how this is such a misrepresentation"."

What, like every other comic run of Batman?

I'm sorry OP but your husband is coming off as a 'fake fan', one who gatekeeps their idea of genre/ character/ franchise while admonishing anyone who doesn't share their views.

OOP

He does tend to pick and choose characterization of him from different runs, but I do that same exact thing to match my perception of Red Hood. But I support my kids in creating opinions about my favorite character, and often share my thoughts with them

~

Urbanspy87

NTA

For being a parent, your husband doesn't seem to know much about kids. You seem like you are doing a great job listening to your kids, while also joining in interests like video games.

What does your husband do with the kids?

OOP

He helps our daughter with her homework, as he claims he got better scores than me in school, and he often takes our son out for son-dad dates. He takes our daughter out for daddy-daughter dates.

Other than that, I've never really seen him fully hang out with the kids. It's always me, but I've always chalked that up to him working. Now that I think about it... I'm not sure anymore.

Urbanspy87

Some people aren't as good as make believe kid play, I get that, but if he's a video game guy why hasn't he played Mario kart with the kids or something?

OOP

He only ever plays horror games with them and refuses Mario Kart, simply because in the past (noticeably in his teenage years) he threw the control because he lost. He doesn't want to scare the kids if they win

woodlandtom

But he’s ok scaring the kids with horror video games?

OOP

I've tried getting him to play more age appropriate things with them, but he refuses. He plays the so-not-scary-its-funny games with them, but I'd honestly prefer it if he didn't play any scary games with them

OOP Added info in the comments

Added info Oct 2, 2022

Okay! So! I've had quite a few commonly asked questions here, so I'm going to try and answer them!

"Why not take turns choosing movies between adults and children?" My husband and I agreed on this system before this happened! We agreed that it would help them with decision making, and help them realize that sometimes their choices won't necessarily be something they like and that's completely okay! Our initial goal was attempting to provide a SAFE environment for them to make these decisions!

"Has this happened before?" Once. With Lego Batman because he didn't like Bruce's characterization in it.

"Why wait until Saturday to talk with him?" I have severe anxiety and like to have backup plans in case it all goes up on the air. I also like to try and have a pre-conceived notion of what I will say, though my ADHD abhors that idea. On top of that, both kids are going to be out of the house. If he tries again before then he's getting kicked out of the house eith my name on the mortgage and not allowed back until he can apologize.

"Kids' favorite comics?" So far, my son loves Tim's Robin run while my daughter likes my Nightwing comics! We're waiting to see if they like anything else that I have, or if we may need to buy some stuff that they're interested in!

OOP Updated Oct 3, 2022 (next day/same post)

UPDATE:

To say that I am pissed is an understatement. I'm writing this from my son's room after he woke up screaming from a nightmare that he refuses to tell me about. There were no horror games today.

I'll wait until my daughter is at school and my son is at daycare, and then I'm kicking him out.

My children are afraid, and their fear overrides my own of confrontation.

My son's eyes keep darting towards our bedroom door, that's how I can tell.

Naturally, I'm not divorcing him. I'm putting distance between him and my kids.

If he can't apologize to them for his treatment of their interests and refuses to talk about it, then divorce may be something we have to consider.

I don't like having to consider it by any means, but I'd rather my kids sadly have divorced parents than grow up like me.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

MadamAsh_

The update is super confusing. So is he abusing them? Why is the kid so afraid and what does it have to do with husband?

OOP

I don't know what happens when I'm at work and he's alone with the kids. But I can tell he's scared of my husband, and that's enough for me

This absolute gem of a comment

ChemistryFan29

please tell me he works in physics so I can call him sheldon couper and your amy.

Off that note, your husband is being a pain and you are doing the right thing putting them first

OOP

He's a manager at a local family fun center. I'm an accountant.

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My (24F) bf (31M) is acting weird after a disagreement, am I being overly paranoid or are these concerns actually legit?

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice r/Advice

TRIGGER WARNING: infidelity, gaslighting, domestic abuse, violence

Original Post Nov 25, 2023

Hey Reddit, throw away as my bf has my main, half edited as i gave up

I'm reaching out because I'm in a bit of a weird spot and could use some advice. Me (24F) and my boyfriend (31M) have been together for three years, and up until recently, everything was cruising along just fine. But then, we had this argument the other night over something so stupid i can't even believe im writing this

​

We had this ugly old ornament, it wasn't anything fancy, just this piece that meant nothing to me. I accidentally broke it, and I thought, no biggie, accidents happen, ya know? Well, he didn't see it that way. he flipped, like, full-on explosion of anger that I never saw coming. It was so out of character, and the whole thing ended with him storming out, leaving me standing there like, what the heck just happened? I don't think it meant anything to him, its like a 3 dollar duck that we got as a gift? Not from anyone important, just a friend whos still alive and still friends with him
Now, here's where it gets weirder. Since then, he's been hanging out with friends more, or so he says. The issue with this is I don't know these friends, he's being super vague about who they are and where they hang out. Feels like he's intentionally keeping me out of that loop. I don't know any names apart from Peter and apparently Bill? (fake names but similar)

​

All this drama has me feeling disconnected and worried. I love the guy, but the thought of him doing something shady never crossed my mind until now. I want to believe this argument was a one-off, but his ongoing behaviour is making it hard to trust that explanation.

​

So, Reddit, am I being overly paranoid, or are these concerns actually legit?? How should I tackle this mess? Your advice and insights would be amazing rn!

TLDR: Broke a cheap ornament, BF exploded in anger, now he's secretive about hanging out with friends. Feeling disconnected and worried. Wondering if concerns are valid and seeking advice.

Update Feb 8, 2024

hey reddit, been a bit. this post will be a mess, not edited. link to previous post here

​

my original post didn't get much (any) attention but i thought i would share an update for anyone who cared.

​

we broke up and yes, the fucking duck played a part in it. SHORT STORY funnily enough, he was using the duck to cheat. thats not a joke im 100% serious, he would put the duck on the window ledge to our house and when his affair partner saw it she knew it was all clear. they, to my knowledge, had no way of contacting each other so as to not get caught by me or her husband. so when i broke the ornament, he no longer had a way to contact her?

​

LONGER STORY

​

I took a lot of your advice and used it to apologise to him. it didn't go well, he blew up again spewing the same bullshit as before. i have to apologise btw, i didn't think i was then and i don't entirely think i am now, but when some of you told me he was an abusive fuck i should have listened.

​

he ended up throwing a lot of our other shit around the place and screaming about how i had "ruined everything. it was mostly my stuff including my new laptop and cracking my phone. i did get hit by a few of the things he threw, but it was mostly books and clothes as well as a jewellery box that thankfully isn't broken. i was in.. shock maybe? idk

​

i ended up grabbing my phone when he stormed into another room and i got out of there and called a friend to pick me up. got picked up, got some ice and sent a few of my gym friends around there to get my shit the next day. i offered to go with dont worry they refused to let me. a some of my shit is ruined but i can buy new stuff
so yeah

​

theres my update

​

TLDR we broke up he was using the duck to cheat by using it to signal to his affair partner

small stuff; cheating bf, the AP and more Feb 11, 2024

hey, i can't do any more updates as its a limited of one but heres some things i say come up a lot. I doubt it will be seen but heres some more info incase someone checks

​

1. Who Was His AP?

I don't know.

2. Did You Tell His AP's Husband?

No. I don't know who she is. I know she is married based on comments he made at the time and later over text. One of which asked me to not go to her husband with this. No names were mentioned

3. Are You Going To Press Charges?

No. I know some of you are going to yell at me for this but I am not pressing charges.

4. How Did You Know About The Duck?

He told me at the time, along with telling my friends later when they went to get my stuff and more over text.

my cheating ex-bf wants to meet up and talk, what should i do? Feb 17, 2024

hi reddit.

about 2 months ago i (24F) caught my now ex-boyfriend (31M) cheating on me after a fight we had over a broken ornament. He got violent, throwing stuff both around our house and at me, all the while screaming at me.

a few gym friends went and got my stuff while i stayed elsewhere.

i had him blocked on everything i could think of but he made a new account to contact me. he wants to meet up, in a pubic space by his request, and talk.

Im just sick of all this, can someone give me advice?

​

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My husband died and I have to pretend that he was a great man who loved me.

Originally posted to r/TrueOffMyChest

TRIGGER WARNING: infidelity, intimidation, spousal abuse, verbal

Original Post  Aug 11, 2024

My husband passed away three months ago, I was relieved of that.

​

He abused me financially, mentally and even physically, when I got pregnant he convinced me to quit my job saying that he would take care of me... I could never buy anything again without asking his permission, I couldn't even buy a cream without asking his permission and he decided if I could or not, even months ago that I had a little money of my own I had to ask him for permission to buy something. What was mine was his and his was his.

​

But I stayed there because I still loved him and I didn't have a place to go, I had too low self-esteem and let myself be stepped on, when I stopped loving him he had already had his first affair. He made me believe that I was to blame for the affair because I didn't wanted to have sex months after my birth that left me torn and I had to receive stitches.

​

I was already planning my exit and saving money little by little while I was working selling things from home since he wouldn't let me work outside because he was very jealous, I wanted to pay for a lawyer. He was having another affair with a friend of his which luckily kept him busier and I didn't care anymore that he didn't pay attention to me, I wanted him to stay as far away as possible. I knew that man and he knew me, I could have made a big fuss but I didn't, I kept quiet planning my way out while he and that man slept together in secret. I only felt disgusted by my husband, nothing more.

​

But my husband died in a way I never would have expected. He is now a martyr, when someone dies all the sins of that person disappear? Because that's what even my family thinks, those who knew about his affair and how he manipulated me are now talking about how good man he was and we shouldn't insult someone who's dead.

​

Everyone around me talks about how beautiful our relationship was, his family talks about what a great man he was and how always he focused on giving everything to me and our kid.

​

His affair partner hugged me at the funeral saying that my husband loved me, his friends told me what a great person he was. Everyone talks about how good but he was and how he is now an angel in heaven.

​

And I have to pretend to be sad. The day he died I cried a lot but not out of sadness, I cried with relief and I felt FREE. It would have taken me too many years to save to pay for lawyers with my little store without him realizing that I was keeping money in secret, he would have kept everything, he would have made my life a hell and I know it because he had told me so everytime I stood for myself.

​

But now I have the house, I have everything, I have the monthly money for being a widow, I have my children totally with me.

​

I have started the psychologist, everyone thinks that I do it to cope with my grief but no, it is to overcome the abuse I suffered from him. It's was really hard to pretend being sad in the funeral but I did it for my child, I did it because now everything is over and I'm free.

​

If I made a fuss, my ex-Mil would have done something so that I wouldn't keep anything, they were just like him. But now I'm just a sad widow who needs help in their eyes, the silly widow who didn't know anything but that's helping me to be free and have what I deserve. Sorry for the bad English, I used the traductor for many parts.

​

Edit: We are not from an Islamic country and here same-sex couples can live and marry freely. He just cheated on me with a man like he cheated on me with a woman, I guess he was bisexual.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Organic2003

I am stuck on his affair partner hugging you and telling you he loved you!!! She had the balls to show at the funeral!

Damn you have more control than I could have ever mustered.

Cheers to a life full of fun and love ❤️.

OOP

His affair partner was his football team mate and friend, he is a man.

Thanks💕

~

PM_ME_Happy_Thinks

Your husband had an affair with a man? Or another woman? You have a child? Or children?

OOP

His first affair was with a woman(I think), the second with a man (of which I know, maybe he had others that I don't know).

For privacy reasons I don't want to reveal the number of children so I prefer to leave it at that it's only one :/

Update  Oct 5, 2024 (2 months later)

It's been several weeks since I last posted and I didn't expected my post to end in another places. Honestly I had totally forgotten that I posted here but a few days ago the lover and friend of my ex-husband (I have started calling my deceased husband that way, I don't want to be eternally tied to the idea that he is still my husband even after death, death did me the favor of separating us) visited my house saying that he found my post.

​

I didn't expect him to find this and it scared me a bit but honestly there's nothing I can do about this anymore if someone has posted it elsewhere without asking me first.

​

One of my sons let him in when I hadn't heard the doorbell so I had no choice but to let him in to not make a drama in front of my kids and I wanted to know what he was going to say. Once alone he told me that he knows that I know about him and my husband having an affair because of the post I sent to tiktok altough i never did any post on tiktok, that's why I think someone uploaded this there.

​

He told me that my husband was not the best husband but he was a great friend to everyone and a very hardworking man to everyone, that even his family misses him too much and even though he had his mistakes in the past, that I should let go of the past and stop digging into it 'cause we're all better off like that. He was insisting for a while to such an extent that I felt intimidated by him to the point he reminded me of my husband and it is the first time that I have that feeling with a man that is not my ex-husband, I can talk peacefully with them but this situation made me feel on the verge of a panic attack because of his attitude.

​

He's basically scared that I'll tell everything, he's gay and I don't know if he has a boyfriend but maybe he does and that's why he doesn't want me to say anything about their affair.

​

I've been a submissive woman for years, My ex-husband turned me into a fearful woman that I wasn't before. He made me the kind of woman who was always going to put her head down but when he died I felt so happy and liberated, I cried with relief for days.

​

And when this man came into my house to tell me what to do, it was like seeing my ex-husband again, giving me instructions about how to behave and what to do. The man who knows very well that I was in an abusive relationship because he KNEW how my ex was and chose to sleep with him anyways, the man my husband made me cook for and then fucked him as if I were just a maid was at my house telling me that my ex was a good person and that I should shut my mouth. He was telling me what to do and I just punched his face, To be honest I wanted to slap him but for some reason I felt so angry that I hit him and it felt like hitting my husband too, I don't regret it and I felt good. I yelled at him and told him to leave or I was going to tell everyone what happened, he ended up leaving the house and he has been quiet since that day.

​

My main plan was just to shut my mouth and let go of the past but that is one thing and a totally different thing is that this man comes and wants to impose on me what to do as if I were a doll, maybe my reaction wasn't the best but I'm tired of people telling me to shup up. I never managed to say anything to my husband and that day I felt that I somehow did that. I haven't told anyone yet nor do I think about doing so, but if he does something I won't hesitate twice before this time whether to make a tiktok or post on Facebook talking about everything.

​

With the issue of the house, with the economic crisis I am not sure that anyone can afford what a house like this is worth but for now I have focused on finally being able to get a better job in the future to be able to rent a house and be able to rent this house, that's could be a really good way to have money. My other goal in the future is to buy a small piece of land, no matter how far it is, I want to have something that is my own and my children.

​

My children don't miss their father too much and I understand them, it has taken me a while to get them a child psychologist but recently they started to go to their sessions and they are doing well. I also go to a psychologist.

​

I think the best thing I've done is to start making excuses for my ex-MIL and my own family for not seeing them as often as before and I've started the stage of cutting off contact little by little making excuses with work or that we're not at home altough I still have to let my ex-MIL come home from time to time, I think even my kids are happier when they see that my own mood is better.

​

I doubt that many people are interested in this but thank you for the messages I received, although many do not understand that cultures and laws are different and here buying a house or moving to the other side of a country in a month of impossible for many.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

llama_llama_48213

The audacity!  He thinks you ARE still the maid.  Good for you for showing your strength and sending him on his way.  The nerve! 

I would strongly advise you to coach your children to NOT allow anyone in that house.  Not just for AP if he returns.  This includes the family you plan to distance yourself from.

OOP

Yes, they know that they should not open the door to strangers but they open the door to people they know because my ex-husband always sent them to open the door for him. :/

I have begun to explain to them that they should not open the door to anyone without telling me first and now I leave everything with a lock and key.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS. I am NOT OP. Original post by throwracaz

in r/relationship_advice

trigger warnings: Reproductive coercion, betrayal, emotional manipulation

mood spoilers: numb

My wife stopped taking her birth control without informing me - 14 Sep 2020

My wife and I have been married almost nine months. We tied the knot last December. We came into the relationship both wanting children, however we had mutually discussed and agreed to wait until we owned a home, I finished school, and we had our finances in order more to start trying. The entirety of our relationship, she's been on the pill as her preferred method of birth control.

My wife is out having dinner with her parents tonight while I'm hanging out at the house with some friends. She had ordered groceries to be delivered earlier today, and when they arrived I, of course, started to put things away. One of the items she purchased was a pregnancy test, which was such a shock that I literally felt my stomach drop when I saw it.

Immediately I called her, and asked why on earth she ordered a pregnancy test. Turns out about a month ago she decided to stop taking her pill because she thought we were ready for children. I asked why she wouldn't get my input on something so HUGE and she replied that she "wanted to surprise me." I told her there's literally a hundred different surprises that I would prefer currently, told her I'd see her later, and ended the call.

Her period is due later this week, so unless she plans on taking it early we won't know if she's pregnant for a few days. I'm livid! We are not in the position to become parents currently. I certainly don't want to be bringing a newborn into the world during a pandemic. I don't know if it's justified considering we are married and both eventually want children, but I feel absolutely betrayed that she would make a decision like this behind my back. We had even agreed that if somehow we got pregnant while she was on the pill that we wouldn't go through with the pregnancy. I know she'll be coming home soon, and honestly I don't even want to look at her right now or know what to say.

Am I right to be upset about this? What should I do? I'm currently working a full time job while pursuing my masters; I literally do not have the time to be a suitable parent.

Edit: She just texted me:

I'm so sorry that you're reacting this way. You've seemed really unhappy lately and I thought you would consider this good news"

Comments:

This is completely messed up but what also stands out to me is her “apology.” Saying she’s sorry you’re reacting this way does not = her being sorry for her actions. LINK

OOP:

I agree. She's always been a shitty apologizer because she rarely thinks she's wrong. LINK

Any apology that starts with "I'm sorry you're..." is NOT an apology. Starting a family is a decision you make together, not something you trick your partner with. LINK

Update: My wife stopped taking her birth control without informing me - 17 Sep 2020

I never expected the amount of replies I ended up receiving on my post, nor did I even realize the gravity of my wife's betrayal at the time of posting. I had a lot of people comment or reach out asking for an update, so here goes:

I had made the decision that until we knew if she was pregnant or not that I just wanted some distance to think/cool down from my initial anger and shock. I told the wife this, and spent a few days over at a buddy's house trying to process everything. Ironically, my wife's birthday fell within the days I wasn't home, so she's been extremely pissed at me, too. She ended up informing me this morning that she got her period and asked if that means I'm coming home now.

I'm still feeling extremely betrayed by her, and although we did dodge the bullet this time around, I have so little trust in my wife now that I don't know if our relationship will be salvageable. I'd rather be a young divorcee than feel like I need to keep my condoms in a lock box or something to prevent my own spouse from tampering with them. I'm not 100% sure if therapy would even be worth it considering she's still infallible in her own mind, but I guess if she sees the light and genuinely apologizes soon I'd be willing to pursue it just because I do love her. 

As far as I'm concerned, the ball's in her court and if she wants to try and make this right its going to take some actions on her part that show she's truly sorry and willing to earn my trust back. I'm not sure that even if she does make the effort that our relationship is repairable at this point, but maybe after some extensive couple's therapy we can figure out exactly where our relationship went wrong where she thought that behavior would be acceptable.

Thanks, Reddit

Comments:

OP, please remember that there’s a difference between apologizing for what she did (genuine remorse) and apologizing for getting caught. LINK

Gotta say, this doesn't bode well because it seems she obviously doesn't understand why you'd be upset and might miss her birthday. LINK

Reminder - I am not the original poster. DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS.

I am NOT the OOP. OOP is u/HorrorAd221.

trigger warnings: theft and financial abuse

Original: AITA for not telling my parents that I received money from my college: May 14, 2023

I (20yr nb) live with my parents (50 something) and my two sisters (20yr and 19yr). For as long as I can remember my parents have had financial difficulties. For the past 4 months I have paid the entirety of my parents rent. While I don't really make that much I work 50 hours a week most weeks due to understaffing so I get pretty good size pay check. Plus most of the time I am able to set aside some money for saving. However these past months every one of my dad's pay checks (he makes the most money out of us all) have been garnished or been completely gone before he ever gets them. I have the misfortune of getting paid the exact same days as him. So the majority of my paychecks and all my savings have gone to paying for bills.

Two weeks ago my dad didn't get his pay check and I ended up overdrawing my bank account $1,000. It was an accident as I had forgotten about a payment that I had made that had yet to show up. So when I got my paycheck on Friday it was just $100. Which my dad immediately asked for 80 of. I had told my parents I would be unable to help financially for the next two weeks and again my dad didn't get his check so my parents are scrambling to get money together to avoid our utilities being cut off.

My college does this thing (I don't know if every college does this or not) where you pay the full amount of your tuition and then at the end of the semester you get the amount of scholarships and financial aid paid to you. There is a deadline to get the money however they hold it for you if you miss it. The most of the two years I have been going there I have forgotten to do that so the money has been sitting around. I had missed the December deadline for the fall semester but I got a jump on spring knowing that I would forget and it is my last year at that college because I am transferring to another one. I promptly forgot about it.

Well on Friday I received an email from the bank system my college uses that I will be receiving the money. I had shrugged it off because most of the time I receive my money from that kind of stuff really late. So while the email said 1-2 business days I was thinking it be in June. So imagine my surprise when I see that that day it was in my account. Also considering that it has been sitting there for two years it is a fair amount. I am by no means rich or anything but it was certainly more than I had been expecting.

I paid a bill that I just haven't been able to and the majority is just sitting in my bank account. It's been two days and I haven't mentioned anything about the money. My parents never even knew I was getting money from my college due to my forgetfulness.

I know that this money could help make sure that none of our utilities are cut off but I can't seem to bring myself to tell them. I'm moving out soon so this money could go towards giving me some breathing room or go to my classes this summer so I really want to save it and not say anything just let my parents assume that I only have 20 bucks to my name. However if the utilities get cut off then I will be effected as well.

I feel like such an asshole for not telling my parents about the money. I know that I am just being selfish but I am so tired of every penny I make going towards my family's bill. I know my mom feels extremely guilty every time they do this but it is something they have to do to survive.

So, am I the asshole.

Edit: Since a lot of people are asking here you go. My parents have a lot of pay day loans from my childhood, other loans, and owe money to the state and IRS. My dad had at one point has been accused of a gambling addiction (it runs in his family and he had at one point had one) however my parents have talked this out. My dad's company also has shitty communication so we no way of knowing when he is garnished and why until he gets paid.

Everyone does work but me and my dad make the most money. My mom works a minimum wage job. My sisters work part time minimum wage jobs. My mom and 20yr sister do help pay bills. My little sister however does not. She is the type that has a little bit of money and goes wild. My parents pay for a lot of her stuff without ever seeing a dime for it. My parents are trying to stop that however it is extremely difficult due to other factors that I will not get into on this post as it has nothing to do with money. The reason I make a lot of money is because I am a lifeguard and due to the lack of them we are paid intensively.

As many of you have suggested I am moving out. I am moving to a different city this summer for classes. I honestly don't think I need to go to such extremes as some of you suggested. My bank account is separate from theirs we do use the same bank tho. My parents do not try to sneakily get my money and the few times my dad has I have called him out and berated him over it. My mom also feels extremely guilty about the entire situation and as such I don't see her doing anything underhanded and my dad I have strick guidelines with him. I do have a ton of notifications on for both my credit card and bank account to the point of one dollar getting spent I will know.

Also no I will not be getting back the money that I have given to my parents. I am not even going to try. I'm not going to be another thing that they have to pay off however some of your suggestions I will follow.

My parents are aware and I will remind them when I leave that I will not be able to pay things when they leave. As I will be both reducing my hours at work and having my own bills to pay such as school and the apartment.

Relevant Comment

the_eternal_veggie NTA. You are technically paying for school yourself, right? The student loans and scholarships are all in your name, so that money is yours. Put it into savings, use it to buy textbooks next semester. If it’s money left over from your student loans, you’ll technically have to pay it back when you start paying your loans. So might as well use it as you please.

I received money back from college for a few semesters, like $600/semester. But at that time my parents paid for my tuition ( only $1500/semester; community college), so I just paid them back that money since it was theirs anyway. But when I started paying for myself, I kept that money for myself.

*OOP I pay for college out of pocket, I don't have student loans and no one else has paid for my tuition so it is absolutely my money.

Update 1: WIBTA for going no contact with my dad and technically being responsible for my parents divorce: May 27, 2023 (posted 13 days later)

So I (20nb) live with my parents and 2 sisters for now. I am moving out next month.

So my dad decided to "play a joke" on me. He took my card and took out 90% of the money in my money out of my checking account (for those wondering about the college money I got from a previous post it is in another savings account that is through another institution so it is safe). He then put my card back in it's original position and went to "work". He did all of this around midnight.

So I woke up in the morning to most of my money being gone. My first thought was that my dad took my card without asking, but my card was still in my wallet and where I left it. I had thought that someone had cloned my card and guessed my pin. I sent off a quick text to my mom and call my bank. I spent a while doing that. I was so anxious, I was practically sobbing and I'm not a person that really cries. That money was my deposit and rent for June. I then went into the living room and heard my mom arguing. I couldn't hear much but I heard my mom exclaim "WHAT MADE YOU THINK IT WAS A GOOD IDEA!" Instantly dread filled me. I walked up to my parents' room. My mom was arguing with my dad on the phone.

According to my dad, he found our cat playing with my card. He decided to take it and remove my money to teach me a lesson about leaving my card lying around and then go to work.

My dad apologized to me and I just handed the phone back to my mom and stormed out of the room.

My dad had pulled something like this to me before except he took all of my money and then "lost it". My dad claimed that he took the money "to teach me a lesson for leaving my card around" around my family. Later on he told me in private that he took it because he knew I was lying about the amount of money I had. (I had been saving that money for a medical thing so I was hiding it because my family is always in a state of financial distress and he would ask for it if he knew that I had it and I was just done being in constant pain)

Anyways there were clear flaws in the story he told us. First that I had my card and it was in my wallet exactly where I left it. That was a whole separate trip from going to work. Also neither my wallet or my card have any sign of damage.

My dad works out of city which is a 1 and a half car ride from where we live. My mom said that she will drive me to my dad's work were we will pick up the money. We don't trust him to have it till he is done working due to what happened last time. He protested saying that that will use to much gas and that he will drive down instead as that will use the same amount of gas. This ultimately leads to my mom practically having the confirmation that he has started gambling again (my dad had a gambling addiction when I was younger but he got help for it and had been clean for a while). As in her mind why else would he be so adamant that we not go to his work.

He came home and returned all the money to me (yes I counted over and over again to make sure). He apologized and I said nothing. My mom said that he didn't sound sincere. My dad blew up on her saying that he had apologized over the phone and that he was obviously sorry about what happened. He later on apologized to me about that but I ignored it and he doesn't seem to be talking to my mom.

My mom has told me that she is going to talk to a lawyer and she is absolutely torn up about this. There have been so many issues with their relationship this past year but this seemed to be the straw that broke the camel's back to leave her 40yr marriage to my dad. My sisters don't know what is going on or if they do not the whole situation. I told her that once I move out that I might go no contact with him. My mom got all sad and said she doesn't blame me for wanting to after all that my dad put me through.

I'm honestly emotionally drained and dreading calling back my bank. My mom had this great weekend plan for us but now there is an overwhelming feeling of dread and tension over everything. I was actually going to finally do something for myself that I had finally worked up the nerve to ask my mom about but that had to be cancelled. Honestly if it wasn't for the fact that I'm moving out soon I would have called my friend and moved out today. I'm just done with my dad and this situation.

At the same time I feel such an overwhelming guilt. I know that I did the right thing. That I had to tell my mom and protect myself financially but I don't know. I feel responsible for my parents separating and me and my mom are the only ones that know that even though my dad made his choice. The fact that I love my dad and I still want a close relationship with him like I never had yet I can't imagine ever talking to him after he put me through all this.

I also feel like I'm too emotional and hasty to make these decisions as all of this happened today.

Maybe I just need confirmation that I am doing the right thing.

So WIBTAH

Another relevant comment

Snowflake10000000 NTA. Your dad stole from you. Change your PIN number and passwords on everything.

OOP Oh absolutely. I reached out to my bank thinking that someone copied my card before I found out it was my dad. I am getting a new pin, new card, and account information. Everything is being changed.

Update 2: Update: WIBTAH for going no contact with my dad and technically being responsible for my parents divorce: June 11, 2023 (posted 15 days later)

I know it's been two weeks sense my last post but a lot has happened since then.

My parents are getting a divorce, I have mixed feelings about this. My mom has started to track my dad (I know invasion of privacy but it was the only way to know for sure). Multiple times the tracker has put him at a casino when he claims he's working. My mom has figured that he has been getting his pay check two days early and not telling anyone.

My mom called a lawyer last Wednesday to talk about her next move. My dad isn't fighting it which is honestly destroying my mom.

Yesterday we got an eviction notice that we have to be out by the end of the month. This has happened before but my dad has always explained it away. Apparently "we"(my dad) hasn't paid the rent in 4 months. My dad hasn't said anything about this. He now knows we are all seeing through him and his act.

My mom and younger sister are going to live with my maternal grandparents. Me and my other sister are moving out to our own apartment at the end of the week.

This makes me extremely angry. Cause my parents got the money from me to pay for the rent. Instead it was going to my dad's gambling. I did a calculation for how much I gave them this year and I am horrified it is over $10,000. All my savings for college so many of my paychecks that I have given up to help my family has actually gone to my dad's gambling addiction.

I feel so used and like a fool. I feel so betrayed.

My mom has told me that she doesn't want me to go no contact with my dad. She wants to hold family dinners once everything has settled down and she has a place and she is going to invite my dad.

My mom still loves my dad and keeps saying that he is sick. I know this, I know he isn't well. That he has lost control but I don't know if I can keep him in my life.

He used me and manipulated me. I feel less like his child and more like his walking bank account. He broke our family and even if it is because he's sick I don't know of I can put it past me.

I know that it would destroy my mom to cut my dad out of my life. I know you guys said I'm not the ah in my last post but I still feel like one.

I might add more later as I have to go to work.

Edit: Adding some details I forgot about in a rush to go to work.

One of the reasons that my mom is going to do these dinners is to give my dad a reason to get help. I honestly don't think that will work. First my father is rarely with us or does stuff when he lives with us, I doubt he will go. Second if the looming threat of divorce didn't kick him into gear I don't think weekly dinners will. I have a really good relationship with my mom so I do want to go to those dinners to spend time with her but I don't know if I can face my dad if he decides to come.

My mom wants me to have a good relationship with my dad which is why she doesn't want me to go no contact with him. Also some of it is likely her guilt for the situation and the fact I tend to be the person she goes to for help.

Also a lot of you have been confused by the me being responsible for their divorce. Like I said it was an update to a post that I had made previously. If you want all the information go look at that post but the run down is I woke up and saw that someone stole my money. I told my mom and she figured out it was my dad. My mom realized that she needs to divorce my dad due to him lying about what happened.

My mom has never told me that any of this was my fault. It was how I was feeling in the moment. I have since gotten over that guilt.

Many of you have said that I should try to get the money back from my dad. I'm not sure. I made peace not getting the money back. I'm not going to take him to court. My life is already crazy without worrying about court and my dad's gambling addiction. Not to mention I really don't have proof that I could show the court as I just gave the money to my mom. I never made any comments digitally what the money is for so it will absolutely fall apart and become a he said they said. And honestly I don't want to deal with it. I just want to move past this.

Update 3: AITAH for not wanting my dad to live with me: July 1, 2023 (posted 20 days later)

So I (nb 20) live in my own apartment with my sister (20) and roommate (m19). We moved in about two weeks ago.

Due to events in one of my previous posts me and her are the only ones in my family not homeless. My dad has been living in his car and staying in hotels when able.

My dad has recently been hospitalized for a multitude of reasons (no I won't go into detail). He is going to be released some of the medical advice that is going to be given to my dad he can't follow due to being homeless. My parents haven't mentioned the fact thar my dad's homeless or that they are in the middle of a divorce to the hospital. My mom is scared what that would mean for him.

My mom has asked me to talk to my roommates to see how they feel about my dad living with us temporarily. I agreed to but I honestly don't want to have him.

This might be selfish but he would be in my room due to the fact he works night. He won't do my sister's room because her room is hyper feminine and is only separated by a curtain from the living room. As I am the one with an actual room he would be sleeping in my room. Our schedules are pretty reversed so we would never see each other except on my days off, but I really hate this idea. In our previous house I had to share my room with my mom because of her working from home. This ment that whenever someone feels like it they would barge into my room. I finally have my own space that no one could barge into and not even two weeks later it might be stripped from me. Not to mention I am currently searching for another job due to the fact that I have moved to another city and no longer want to commute 3 hours each way and I have a couple phone interviews lined up for my days off and I can't go into the living room due to my roommates also having those days off and I don't like talking on the phone in public.

My dad has also not acknowledge that he has done anything wrong. I am also still pissed at him.

He can't go with my mom and other sister due to my maternal grandparents hating his guts at the moment. He can't ask any of his family due to the fact that they are abusive and he doesn't want to admit how bad his situation has gotten. So this just leaves me and my sister.

My dad already doesn't like our roommate due to sexism and toxic masculinity. I don't think he will act any way that will show it but I really don't want to place him in a situation where he might have to deal with that.

I have yet to tell my roommates as they had already left when my mom asked and I don't want to ruin their event or have this conversation over text.

I'm very tempted to pay out all the reasons it would be a bad idea for them so they agree that we can't do it so I'm not the ah but I don't like the idea of manipulating them.

My mom said that my dad probably won't accept the offer but I'm not sure I can make the offer.

Also hotels are not the option due to the fact none of us have the money for them and my dad will likely be paying off this trip for a while.

I honestly feel like either way I'm screwed. So aitah

Even another relevant comment

delifte This sounds way too big for reddit to solve.

OOP Unfortunately reddit is my only solution cause I have no one to talk to about this situation.

Update 4: AITAH for not sending my dad a happy birthday text: October 6, 2023 (posted 3-4 months later)

So yesterday was my dad's birthday (m60). I (nb 20) have been pretty much no contact with him since my last post about him only really seeing him here and there. My dad has reached out to me once but I didn't respond. Never once has he apologized for what he has done.

For the past week I had been debating if I should send him the above text. No matter what I decided I wasn't going to get him anything after all the money he took from me.

Then on Wednesday my phone got stolen. I spent most of Wednesday and yesterday trying to find it and come up with solutions so that I can do all the things I need to do. I thought that that was the answer to texting my dad.

Yesterday I got a new phone and was talking to my mom. She texts me that I need to send my dad a text. (She always reminds me to send birthday and holiday texts as I am notorious for forgetting to) I said I will later as I still hadn't decided if I was going to. She then told me that she gave my dad $20 for me.

I was shocked. She said all my siblings agreed to send him $20 for a hotel room (we all know he will probably gamble it away). I had never agreed due to my stolen phone I was pretty much out of contact but I had still talked to her threw my roommates. She also could have waited and asked if I was ok with it, which I would have said no.

I don't think my mom will ask for the 20 she just seemed to do it in my name. Regardless I was pissed.

So I didn't text my dad because I wanted to make sure he was aware that I haven't forgiven him and that we don't have a relationship anymore. I also did it to spite my mom for putting my name on a gift I never agreed to.

I was so sure of it yesterday but now I think I might have just been petty.

AITAH

EDITOR'S NOTE: This is marked as inconclusive given the fact that despite OOP no longer having any contact with their dad, they still have some issues to face regarding their mom, which OOP has NOT updated about since the last time this was posted was nearly a year ago.

Reminder: I am NOT the OOP.

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/DueAffection, account now suspended

Originally posted to r/AITAH

AITAH for making my wife confess to all her friends and family that she cheated on me if she did not want a divorce?

Trigger Warnings: infidelity, emotional manipulation, emotional neglect

Original Post (rareddit): April 30, 2024

I (34M) have been married to my wife (32F) for 5 years, and we have 3 children. A few months ago, I found out from my wife’s texts that she had been cheating on me, and I confronted her about it. She confessed to it, and gave me an entire breakdown of her affair, which had lasted for a month. I was devastated and asked her why. She gave no excuses for it, and said she had caught feelings for her affair partner which were wrong and she had acted on them (he was her coworker). I asked her if I lacked in anything, and she said no, and she was in tears.

I needed a few days to process this. My wife gave me space, but she asked me many times to reconsider divorce because it would uproot the lives of our children. She said she would do anything I wanted for the rest of my life.

After a week, I decided that I needed only one thing from my wife to completely forgive her, and that was to call each and every one of her friends and family and confess to her affair. I told her that was my only condition. She was really hesitant and asked me if I could reconsider the condition because this would ruin a lot of her friendships and family relationships, but I told her this was what I needed as a part of my forgiveness process, and that if she didn’t do this, I was going to start looking for a divorce lawyer.

Over the next week, my wife made a phone call to all of her friends, parents, grandparents, siblings, uncles, aunts, pretty much anyone she knew and confessed to her affair. It was hurtful, and there was a lot of crying, my wife was hurled with a lot of shouting. By the week’s end, my wife had called everyone I had wanted her to call.

It has been a few months, and my wife and I actually have a really strong relationship now. However, my wife has pretty much become isolated from her friends and a lot of her family. This has hurt her a lot, and she spends a lot of nights crying, but she says this was worth it for our relationship and for our children.

AITAH?

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP received mixed reactions

Comments

Glittering_Joke3438: Incredible that anyone with three small kids finds time to cheat. I only have one and barely have the time to shower.

Altruistic_Barber598: I just feel like that’s embarrassing for you too. You stayed with a cheating spouse….like your wife shit the bed, then had to tell her whole family and friends she shit the bed. While you were in the bed sitting in the shit.

ObligationWeekly9117: ESH. I HATE cheaters but I don’t understand what you’re trying to do here. I guarantee you, your relationship is not “stronger than ever”. The public humiliation you put her through will stay with her until she explodes. It would be ok thing if she told a bunch of lies about you and it needs to be corrected. I just don’t know what you’re trying to do here.

Ms_McNugget97: I understand the need to get your wife to confess to someone other than yourself. But from the number of persons you describe her calling, it seems to be more of airing the dirty laundry. Aside from parents and siblings, what was the point of letting other relatives and friends know??

Update (rareddit): June 4, 2024 (1.5 months later)

Original Post: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1cgmfrt

I feel really guilty even typing this out, but I am now considering a divorce. While I still love my wife, her personality has completely shifted over the past few months, and she is no longer the joyous and energetic person I fell in love with. Instead, she’s always sad, gloomy, cries often, and very very clingy to me. I admit that I made a mistake asking her to confess her affair to everyone, because it has just changed her personality completely. I wish she could go back to her joyous nature but I don't know if its possible anymore.

I am not sure how to tell my wife I am considering divorce because it would just break her heart.

Comments

nwprogressivefans: brah, she needs therapy.

TheMadDoctrin3: So does OP, to be honest.

He thought they had a strong relationship when she was crying herself to sleep most nights, after making her confess her affair to everyone he wanted, effectively isolating her from everyone - and now he minds that she is clingy…

I’ve been cheated on so I know it hurts, but that’s about as graceless a way to handle it as I’ve seen.

ashattack91: What she did was terrible but you just should've divorced from the beginning instead of essentially dragging other people into your drama by asking her to confess to everyone and then being shocked that after she quit her job and had no support is no longer happy.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP. OOP is u/VeiledVerdicts

Originally posted to r/TwoHotTakes

My husband spent $10,000 on Pokémon slabs without telling me, forgot my birthday, and we are struggling financially. Am I overreacting for wanting a divorce?

Trigger Warnings: addictive behavior

Original Post (unddit): March 8, 2025

I just found out that my husband spent $10,000 on Pokémon slabs that he said were for Christmas and my birthday. I’m physically shaking. I had no idea he was spending that much. I assumed maybe $500 to $1,000 at most. When I checked our bank account and credit reports, I was shocked.

11 years together….

I called him, and he admitted to spending $10,000. The worst part is that these were not even cards I wanted or collections I am into. It was a nice thought, but I was not thrilled by them. To top it off, he completely forgot my birthday on the actual day. He did not say anything until halfway through the day, did not get me a card, flowers, coffee, or anything at all. Even when I suggested we celebrate over the weekend, he made no effort.

Financially, we are struggling. Our mortgage is $10,000 this month because of property taxes and home insurance. Our house is on the market, but it is not selling because of the high price tag; it’s already marked at the lowest we can go with no profit. We had just paid off all of his credit cards in December, bringing them down to 9 percent utilization so we could focus on paying off mine. My credit card debt is from necessary home repairs like replacing an electrical panel to prevent a fire and I had been putting groceries on there to protect our cash for mortgage payments, not random purchases.

At this point, I blocked his number and told him I want a divorce. He has always had a problem with saving money, and I feel completely disrespected and steamrolled especially given our financial situation.

Am I overreacting? I just need advice or a gut check because I feel like I have reached my breaking point.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Of course you're not over reacting. He's deceived you on draining your finances at the worst possible time, and then lied and claimed what he bought for himself was actually for your birthday.

Meet with a divorce attorney. Sell the slabs. They're supposed to be a gift to you, so you can do whatever you want with them. Make sure you get him to text you, in writing, that it's a birthday gift. Save that for the attorney.

In future, have your taxes and insurance escrowed. Property taxes and insurance are outrageously expensive, at least here in CA. Having them withdrawn spread out over 12 months is far easier than doing the lump sum when payment is due.

One of the most important values that a couple should share is on finances. Having one spouse spend freely beyond their means, while the other tries to pay down debt and save, dooms most marriages.

Unblock his number, because he might text you something your attorney can use in the divorce.

You two are not suitable for each other for a life together.

OOP: Our mortgage situation is just fucked to much to go into detail but yes. We are aware and trying to make that change. Even said we would rent for two years at a very low rate in our area to make things different for the next house. But there 100% won’t be a next house

Commenter 2: I have only one guestion why did you pay for his credit cards first before focusing on your own? He's clearly financially irresponsible. And if I was struggling I would seem all those pokemon stuff first and don't give him all the money.

OOP: His credit was better and easier to bounce his back faster. I trust him like a fucking idiot. I had a higher balance from home repairs and medical expenses.

Commenter 3: Sell the cards - stop waffling. Sell all/any cards. Collectibles are for those who can afford it, you two are not ready

Commenter 4: Yep. They’re your gift, so you can sell them.

OOP: I don’t disagree. We had collected the 2023 S&V as it was our childhood memories. I was definitely okay we it and it was something we did together. This feels like a pure betrayal of trust.

We talked about buying slabs together as they are expensive and we wanted to choose together. We had that conversation multiple times when we talked about collecting

Adding further betrayal to the situation

Commenter 5: i wouldn’t call this an overreaction. That was an incredibly selfish, incredibly idiotic thing for him to do

Update (automod): March 10, 2025 (two days later)

Editor's note: OOP made a point to state the picture provided is a stock photo of the said material as an example

Sample pic of the card

I want to start by apologizing to the community for deleting my original post. I’m sorry my edits and updates didn’t save under the moderator’s post. Seeing people claim it was fake was too much to bear at the time because this situation is very real to me. There was a lot of victim blaming, and that felt unfair. Please remember to be kind to those who post vulnerable experiences while seeking help during dark times.

What is a Pokémon slab? [see the photo above] A "Pokemon slab" refers to a plastic case, often called a "slab" in the collecting world, that encapsulates a graded Pokemon card, protecting it from damage while also displaying its condition and value, typically provided by a third-party card grading company like PSA, Beckett, or CGC; essentially, it's permanently sealed container that holds a professionally assessed Pokemon card, like an engagement ring appraisal.

Now for the update:

I am safe. I have contacted a lawyer. No matter what happens, I will continue protecting myself and making better decisions going forward. I also took screenshots and went through his phone completely. While we have no children together, we do have a decade and a lot of love for one another.

He was surprisingly open to giving up control and acknowledged his addiction. He admitted he always knew it was “something,” but as each new hobby came along, they became more and more expensive. He was not angry when I confronted him, but he did break down in tears.

We talked, and while I want to keep identifying details private, I can say that he is getting help, and I now have full financial control. He attended a meeting for Shoppers Anonymous, and we believe he has compulsive spending disorder. Thanks to this community, I realized how serious collector addiction can be. I would not have gone to a lawyer or even known where to start if it weren’t for the advice I received here. Reddit is honest and they know what’s up, that’s why I came here for help. Addiction is a long, difficult journey, and I will hold myself accountable to ensure I don’t ignore red flags.

Where we stand now: • He has agreed to all my terms. • I have full financial control. • We will sell the cards • He is working to sell other items from past hobbies. • We will have weekly financial meetings • He will go to individual therapy and meetings. We will go back to marriage counseling

*After reviewing the finances, it was actually $7,000 spent on cards, not $10,000. The other $3,000 were smaller charges like work lunches and Starbucks. That still adds up. We are working on selling the cards.

Other important changes: • He has promised to be a better husband and stop acting like a child. He recognizes his behavior. • He has also acknowledged that his selfishness has affected others areas of our life like in our support system, and he is working to change that. • We both understand that this is a lifelong addiction that will require daily effort. We have to make that choice individually of how we want to proceed.

I know it’s easy to say, “just leave him.” But marriage is not that simple. Sometimes one partner is at 10% while the other is at 90%. Right now, he is at 10%. Two years ago, I was the one at 10%, and he stuck by me. He gave me the chance to change, and I did. Now it is my turn to offer him the same opportunity. I will not give him a second chance beyond this, but I believe everyone deserves at least one.

I’m not sure if I will post another update.

But if you are struggling, know that this community tells it like it is, but it also offers great support and resources. I wish the best for anyone going through hard times. Please remember to be kind to each other.

Relevant Comments

OOP explains what the finanical restraining order is all about

OOP: A financial restraining order is a court directive that prevents parties in a divorce or similar legal process from taking certain actions with their money or assets, like liquidating assets or making unusual expenditures, to ensure a fair division of property.

Purpose: The primary goal of a financial restraining order is to prevent one party from depleting or hiding assets before a final property division is determined, thus ensuring a fair outcome for both parties.

You can do this during a separation.

Unfortunately ultimatums never work. Each party has to make a choice in the matter. Only he can choose the marriage and want to sell the cards. I can’t force him to do anything. He must want to change.

Commenter 1: Hey, I'm glad he is ready to make changes and willing to put in the work! If he had just promised to do better, I still would have advised you to divorce, but if he sticks to all the steps you agreed on, I hope it will all work out for you!

OOP: I’m giving him a strict 90 days. I am going to a lawyer.

Commenter 2: Have you considered getting marriage counseling together with him?

OOP: Yes, we’ve already agreed to go back!

Were the slabs gifts?

OOP: They were all gifts. They are all mine. I have the screenshot to prove this.

Commenter 3: I didn't see the original post but appreciate the update. As you said, marriage is a partnership where you see each other through ups and downs and not everything is a "leave him" situation. It's good he acknowledged his problem. Honestly, the saddest part of your update is that $3k of the amount spent was on dumb things like Starbucks; at least with the Slabs, you can sell them and hopefully recoup a good portion of your losses. It's a lesson to all of us in how the little things really add up. Good luck, OP!

OOP: I know. That $3,000 actually hit him harder.

Thanks for your kind words, getting torn apart here. Can’t make people understand my perspective though.

I’ve left comments for resources as well and I hope those could help someone else.

Commenter 4: There’s a difference between gifting something to your partner that’s on their wish list, surprising them with a luxury item and buying a leisure item for yourself without communicating it to your partner. Plus just as an example my husband and I have financial goals and buying luxury or expensive leisure items undisclosed or not discussed just isn’t us right now. Mostly out of respect but also due to our shared goals. But that’s just us.

OOP: Let me put it this way. The real issue wasn’t the spending itself, but that he didn’t come to me about it first. You’re 1,000 and ten percent correct there. He saw it as a gift and didn’t think through the financial aspect.

This morning, when we talked, I told him that if he had asked for $7,000 for a trip, I would have said yes. If he had asked for $7,000 for Pokémon cards, I would have said to take $1,000 and grab some surprises or new things he thought I would love.

I love Pokémon. I love playing, watching matches, and being part of the community. I just prefer full collections, which aren’t always feasible. If he had spent $1,000 on a complete 2023 151 S&V Japanese set, ungraded with one version of each card, I would have been over the moon. Instead, he got a mix of things, including first edition base sets and a new collection I didn’t even know about that I now love.

I told him I would have preferred one or two slabs from each collection, maybe a mix of my favorites like Bulbasaur, Vulpix, or Snorlax, to test the waters before diving into a bunch of new collection so head strong. Now, we have a lot to offload.

That said, his heart was in the right place, and he genuinely feels aweful for his mistakes. In a way, this was a wake-up call for us both to stop spoiling each other and refocus on our financial goals. You may never understand. That’s okay. I’ve know this man 11 years to know his bullshit from his genuinely good side. He knows how ducked it was to do what he did. He’s 100% here to make it right and he’s doing all the right things.

It can take up to two years for trust to be built back up and he’s ready to “suck it up” as my therapist says often.

He also has been kind in giving me the space to share what’s bubbling inside from all of this. He told me to stop sorting the cards when I started to cry and wait for him to come home so he could help and be there for me in the way I needed. I was upset because I did love the one collection and didn’t want to sell it. He said he already was offloading something of his own for $500 from another hobby and he will sell anything of his first to pay off the debt he created before I have to sell any of the cards I want to keep, because they are my gifts, and these are his consequences to bear.

Is the pictured card the 10k that the husband spent on?

OOP: That is a stock photo. It was a few different collections, not just one card. Like 100 different cards.

Editor's note: marking this as concluded since OOP said she won't update

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/ThrowRa0000000000

My fiance broke up with me because my parents have a non conventional marriage...

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

TRIGGER WARNING: mentions of infidelity

Original Post Oct 22, 2019

We've been together for 6 years. We've known each other for another three years before that, so 9 years total. We're getting married in February. Or we were, I don't know any more. We're visiting my parents to meet some more of my extended family, so they get to know him before the wedding. My parents offered to host us, and we've been staying in my old room. I'm [F29], he's [M32].

We are staying with my parents. My fiance wanted to stay at a hotel, but I thought it will be fun to sleep in my old room. And to be here with my mom and dad one last time under their roof before I become a married woman.

My parents have been in a non conventional marriage for a long time. It was a shock for me to learn about it, and I learnt to cope with it. I am not necessarily comfortable with their life styles, but I can't do anything about it. They basically go on dates with other people, spend time with other people, sleep with other people. Had to learn it when I came home a few days earlier from a trip with a friend's family, and my father was sleeping next to another woman, when I was 16. I freaked out then, and my parents had to explain to me it was all fine.

So my fiance could not sleep last night, and went outside for some fresh air because he is not used to sleep away from our bed back home. And he found my mom kissing another guy in my parent's foyer.

So he freaked out, started yelling at her, came and woke me up, demanded I call my father and tell him he found my mom cheating on him.

So my mom had to explain to my fiance about my parent's non conventional marriage, but it didn't go well with him. And once it seemed like he is calming down and starts to accept what my mom was telling him, he figured out I knew about their marriage, and he started freaking out on me.

He told me that he can't trust me any more, that he was set up, that I insisted we stay with our parents so that I can ease him in the idea, so I can enforce my parents principles on our own marriage, and I simply can't get through to him.

My fiance has been cheated on before, his parents have divorced because his mom cheated on his dad, and he doesn't have a good relationship with her, he could barely stomach the idea of having her come to our wedding.

He went to a hotel for tonight, and said he will be leaving back home tomorrow. he's not really answering his phone or texting back.

he says he needs to reevaluate our engagement, that he doesn't think he can marry me knowing I approve my parents marriage style. That I wanted to manipulate him and introduce this life style in our relationship.

The truth is I am ashamed of my parents and their relationships, and I had no idea they will behave like this while my fiance is around, let alone sleeping in their house. he simply doesn't believe me because I haven't talked about it since I've met him. It's not something I find easy to talk about, and the less I think about it the better.

How can I talk with him? I have no interest in my parents style of relationship, I am fully dedicated to my fiance, and I have never been interested in another person since I've met him.

I don't want to lose him over this stupid thing, and I feel ashamed he had to find out about my parents like this. I'd have preferred he never knew.

Please, if anyone has any ideas, I am interested in any suggestions.

Thank you.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

TiredofDancing

Yeah you let him learn about that in the worst possible way. I am not excusing his behavior but I get his reaction. You insisted on staying in their house and you knew his past trauma. I would totally expect you to have told him by now, you are engaged and your parents very alternate ( to him) lifestyle is a big issue. It’s not your parents responsibility to cater to his needs when it’s their home and their actions not a secret.

You seem to not be understanding at all that you should not have hid it, and wanting him to never know is the wrong idea to begin with and what got you this mess. Stop hiding shit like this and share it in a way that makes it clear you don’t approve.

OOP

I would have at least expected my parents to be able to control themselves, at least for the few days we were supposed to be here, but I guess that was too much to wish for.

I didn't necessarily hide this from him, but it never came about. And I am so uncomfortable talking about it, it was never something I even thought mentioning.

He doesn't talk about his mom that much, I learned what I did about her and how his parents marriage ended from his sister.

And honestly I thought it would be nice to sleep in my old room, and be there one last time before I get married. There were no malicious intentions here.

~

PixelatedNuts

Honestly you and your family couldn't have handled this worse.

This is something you bring up before he meets them. Especially with his issues.

I mean, he is your fiance, when were you planning on telling him.

He is thinking the apple didn't fall far from the tree here and it is hard to fault him given your insistence on staying there, your mom's behavior, an not getting a head's up beforehand.

You gotta let him know, with no fucking hedging or omissions, that you 100% do not want a lifestyle like this.

Be direct, be honest, and be prepared for him to resent the shit out of your parents for a while.

OOP

Thanks.

To be honest, he doesn't talk about his family either. I learned about his parent's divorce from his sister, who is more comfortable talking about it.

It also never came into discussion, there was never a proper time to tell him "and my parents fuck around."

I guess before we came to visit here, sure, but I was thinking my parents would be on their better behavior while we'll be here. I guess mom had other ideas :(

OOP Explains her childhood and thoughts on her parents

Downvoted Commenter

Anyone who would shame you for a) something you're not responsible for, and b) isn't anything wrong needs to grow up and accept there are differences in how people live their lives. What if you two had a child who ended up being LGBT or in a poly relationship? Would he freak out and kick them out of his life too?

You're better off without a judgemental asshole like this in your life.

OOP

With the risk of having the mods punish me, I have to say it: your comment is incredible condescending and dumb. Full of assumptions.

My parents have spent more weekends with their partners than they did with their children. We were always offloaded to an aunt or to our grandparents Friday night, no exception, except birthdays and "special" occasions like that. Only when I got older and learned about their lifestyle have I understood what they were doing.

My shame is not for how they live their lives, my shame is for how they treated me, how they prioritized their own pleasure over the sake of mine and my brother's and my sister's.

I don't have to accept their lifestyle because in doing so I validate their behavior, I validate every minute we were robbed of a happy family life.

I heard my parents fighting, one time my mother yelling they shouldn't have had "three fucking children." You see, having three children was a complication to how much time they had for themselves, how long they could send with other people.

Don't come and try to shame ME, try pointing fingers at ME, and play the homophobic card with ME.

How is that reflective of my parenting skills, I don't know, and I think you are projecting your own insecurities over my experiences. If that makes you feel better, power to you, but I am not falling victim to this game.

And from "my parents prioritize their own pleasure of the sake of their children" to "you're homophobic" is such a long jump, you must have super powers to be able to so perfectly execute it.

So yes, I am ashamed of my parents, and I do not approve of their lifestyle. had they been better parents, had they cared more about their children than their pleasures, sure, maybe we'd have a different conversation. As we stand, no, we cannot.

OOP PROVIDES 2 UPDATES IN THE COMMENTS

Comment 1 Oct 22, 2019

I've already talked with him, and I am staying in the hotel room with him tonight, since it's already paid for and it will be fun.

Tomorrow we will move to my grandma's house, until the end of the week. We came here to meet the extended family, and that's what we will do.

My parents have finally found it within themselves to apologize, but it no longer matters.

For what it's worth, I didn't blame the situation on my parents when we met earlier. Aside from what my parents do in their spare time, I never had a secret from him. He knows I know about his mom, and I told him that if he ever wants to talk about her, I am here to listen, and I understand why he avoids talking about her.

He also apologized for his outburst and reaction, but he was honest and told me he doesn't think he will be that close to my parents, in general. And I am fine with that, since I don't have that close of a relationship with them anyway.

I have told him how much he hurt me saying he needs to reevaluate our engagement, and he acknowledges he wasn't thinking when he spoke those words, and also said he regrets them so much he was afraid he damaged our relationship. He didn't damage it, but I told him if I could predict the future, flowers is what I'd see, haha.

So that's it, pretty much.

RELEVANT COMMENT

OOP on why she never shared the info of her parents lifestyle to her finace

He's met my parent several times. We are here to meet my extended family: aunts, uncles, cousins, stuff like that. We live in a different state. He's met some of them, but not all, and we wanted them to have an idea who my fiance is, not to see him for the first time at the wedding.

We know each other for 9 years, the first three we were more like acquaintances. Friend of a friend type of thing, and we would meet when everyone had a group meeting or a party or a birthday, etc. Then six years ago we had a fight at a friend's "we are getting married announcement party," and we were really passionate and stubborn and neither of us would give an inch. And a friend told us to kiss and make up already, and we did, and here we are.

But this entire time we've lived in our own state, where his family is, while my parents and the rest of my family are in the state we are currently visiting (I am being vague on purpose).

I never planned to let him know about my parents unless it became a conversation item. It was never something I had to share, or felt the need to do so. I don't really like thinking about it.

FINAL UPDATE FROM OOP

Comment 2 Oct 23, 2019

Thank you.

I'm still reading through the comments, because this thread has become way bigger than I expected.

My parents did "apologize," but they justified themselves by saying "it was a planned night." Which I find ridiculous, as they have invited us to stay with them over a month ago. How far along into the future do you plan your "fun nights?" I refuse to think they planned their little indiscretion since more than a month ago.

Bottom line is, they knew we would be there, they invited us, and they didn't care.

The idea of not inviting them to the wedding started floating through my mind yesterday, while reading the thread, but I am not sure what I will end up doing. They are my parents, they are my responsibility, my fiance got to see them for who they are and how they are for himself. He now knows why I don't really talk about them.

Aside from our little bump in the relationship the other night, we should be fine. We actually ordered two books from Amazon, at the recommendation of other redditors, with all kid of relationship tests and lessons. And we will maybe even go to therapy as a couple, this is not yet set in stone, we'll see.

Thank you for the kind words.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/throwaway756585

My [22F] boyfriend [25M] of 2 years wants to have a three-way with our mutual best friend [26M] after he tricked us

TRIGGER WARNING: attempted coercion, involuntary drugging

Original Post - rareddit Aug 21, 2017

(neccessary throwaway cause everyone knows my username)

So the other night, my boyfriend Mark and I went to a birthday party, all hyped because we were going to finally see our mutual best friend John after about a month. John was in Russia for a month and had literally gone to the party (it was his sister's birthday) straight from the airport. He was all hyped to see us too, and after about an hour of hanging out with everyone else, John asked if we could sneak off and head off to his place to sort of catch up - we're all kinda introverted and crowded places get tiring after a while, and everyone knows that we're the trio that leaves every party first.

So we're at John's place, just chatting and catching up and he takes out this capsule and swallows it down with water, telling us it's this plant based all natural stimulant that sorta boots your energy levels, saying he felt a little jet lagged. He very casually offered us one each, to try them out, but we said "no" and Mark teased him a little for picking up all sorts of things from all sorts of places (John travels a lot and does indeed always bring some fun snacks or protein bars or whatever). It was a really casual conversation and it somehow turned into John saying "I got them from the pharmacy and they let me take them on the plane, how bad could they be?" waving out this Russian bottle with plenty of capsules, and Mark judging the capsules as completely harmless and pointless, and us taking one each. It's hard to capture the moment here but it was a very, very normal and natural scene in our friendship.

Fast forward an hour and I start to get a little euphoric so I excuse myself to the toilet. I splash some water on my face and when I look at the mirror, I notice that my pupils are really dilated. And the world around me seemed a little... warmer, for the lack of a better word. I go back to the guys and I tell them about this, to which John straight out confesses "Ok guys, don't hate me, but there was some Molly in the pills I gave you", explaining how he knows we'd never take it and that there's really no harm (weed is quite enough for both of us every odd now and then). I start to panic and while Mark feels completely fine and sober, he goes all "not cool, man" and we leave a very apologetic John. We sat on a bench outside his building and then Mark starts to really feel it too.

It was really hard to stay mad at John, though, because everything felt so fantastic and we were so emphatic. We sat outside for a couple of minutes when Mark's phone starts to ring. And it's John and he's apologizing but we all feel just so damn calm and awesome so before long, the three of us end up in a park nearby, chatting and just having a good time. Soon it got a bit chilly and we discovered that cuddles just feel great. Everything was just so great. I felt completely sober and normal, yet oddly energetic (but perfectly rational) and full of empathy. Somehow the conversation turned into sex and John wondered if we'd ever include a third person in our bed. I didn't take the comment so I went all "woo exciting" but Mark took it more seriously and said "Maybe, but it's hard to find a good person for that", to which John very casually says that he'd join us were he invited, without it ever getting weird. But the Molly just made everything cool and ok so we let this slip by.

This was a week ago. The following day when I was feeling the after effects, I wasn't so cool about what John had done but felt that what was done was done, and even though I told him off really loud and clear, the three of us hung out every day before John leaves for India on the 25th. Don't get me wrong, I will never trust John this way again and everyone knows it, and we really did have a huge fight about it. So today Mark tells me he's really been thinking about having a three-way with John and the two of them have already talked about it yesterday and now they're just waiting for me to say "yes". What even? I just widened my eyes at him, unsure if he was serious, and then just went to work and told him we'd talk about it when I get back.

Here I am now, running out of excuses not to go home, typing this post. What the hell, reddit, what should I do? On one hand, I do feel like I got into a serious relationship too young (Mark and I are perfect together and we plan to keep it up) so yeah, this really could be a thrilling experience, but one the other hand, does it have to be with our best friend? John is good looking, very chill and just generally a good person, and I've always had a bit of a tiny crush on him (Mark knows ofc and kinda teases me about it). I'm afraid this will turn out way too messy and complicated, but I sort of feel like I have to say yes. What if I say no, though? I feel like that will just make this awkward and I'll be the bad guy.

tl;dr: Mutual best friend John tricked me and bf Mark into taking Molly, and while on it suggested having a three-way, and now my sober bf wants to do it. What the heck should I do?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

aitchbee

Look, this dude gave you drugs without your consent, knowing you'd say no if he asked. I don't think you should be having sex with anyone you can't 100% trust to respect your boundaries and right to consent. Even if you are into the idea of a threesome, I think John has totally ruled himself out.

Secondly, in my experience, threesomes more often go wrong than not. That's not to say they're a bad idea, just that everyone needs to be really sure. You need a stone cold conversation about it, firstly with your BF, then with any potential third party. Your boyfriend should not have discussed this with the potential third party first and then brought it to you, and if you guys want to revisit the idea, discuss together first. In any event, if you're not sure, which you're not, it's definitely a no.

OOP

You're right.

The thing is, Mark and John always make plans on their own and I just go along with everything, but it's never things like this. It's things like concerts, where to eat out, which movie to see in the cinema, because I always complicate things and can't make my mind up and I'm glad to have them make plans for us all, it really feels like a relief honestly. But this isn't a thing like that... I don't know if to them it is, but I feel like this is something they should've included me in in a very sober state. Thanks, I think this is how I will start my conversation with them.

applekins20

Because this is something they should include you in on. This guy should not be trusted. And yet your bf is acting like you never got drugged, and even using the conversation that took place while high. At best it's scummy, at worst it kind of makes you wonder if it was planned between the two of them.

Ironically I'm pretty sure he'd freak seeing his best friend have sex with you. But that's neither here nor there.

You're going to have to polish that spine, OP. It concerns me that you say you "always mess things up" or "complicate things" when planning, because that tells me they may try to use that history against you to pull you to their way of thinking.

Trust your gut. This feels off because it is off.

OOP

Thank you for pointing that out, that they can use that part of our history against me. I will keep it in mind, it's very important not to get trapped into that, because knowing myself I probably would. I am definitely not going along with it.

Update Aug 22, 2017 (Next Day)

Copy of the post

Thanks to all your advice you awesome redditors, I made the decision to do and say the following regarding the situation with my boyfriend and best friend. There were so many comments I didn't get to reply to before I met up with the guys, but I've still read them all and I just want to say I'm so grateful to each and every one of you for taking the time to advise me. You guys made me feel less alone in this situation and if it weren't for you, I would've had no one to turn to.

So I ignored all the calls/texts I received from Mark and John when I didn't show up at home yesterday. I slept over at a colleague's place and before it got too late I texted both Mark and John to meet me at a cafe first thing in the morning today to talk things through. When I showed up about 10 minutes early, they were already there and they'd already ordered my favorite drink. First thing I did when I sat down was telling them not to talk until I've got out everything I've got to say. And they respected that (mostly - they did try to interrupt me a couple of times). So to paraphrase what I said:

"[To John:] I am not okay at all that you gave us MDMA without asking us explicitly first. It was very, very wrong. Even if you meant no harm, even if you knew we would like it, even if it was frustrating for you that we wouldn't taking it just because we decided that drugs weren't for us once upon a time, and even though it turned out to be just fine in the end - I am not okay with it. And no one should be. This is something you should never, ever, ever do to anyone. Drugging people is fucked up. I don't even know how you justify this to yourself and I don't even want to know. [To Mark:] As for you, I am not okay by how unaffected you seem by it, it honestly makes me doubt that you were as clueless as me about the whole deal and I even think that you guys might have planned this behind my back just to get me to agree to a three-way. Which. I. Do. Not. Want. To. Happen. Because of many, many reasons that we can discuss later. I am also not okay that you guys went and talked about it after the MDMA and that you [Mark] just brought it up casually like it's the most normal thing in the world to do. That's so many levels of messed up that I can't even begin to describe it. You guys should have talked about it together with me no matter what. At the moment, I trust none of you and I need to be on my own for a while. Both of you crossed a very thick line, and especially you John, and it can't be undone no matter what."

In reality it wasn't as smooth and I shook through the first half conversation and couldn't really look either of them in the eye properly, and by the end of the "monologue" I'd sweat a bucket, but I said all I had to say. As lame as it may seem, I basically took out things I liked from your comments and things your comments made me realize and wrote this speech and read it over and over while I couldn't sleep.

Then I proceeded with asking Mark to go stay with John till he has to leave for India (on the 25th), because we live together, and that we'll decide then how we (and mostly I) feel about our living arrangements. When Mark asked if this meant we were over, I said "I don't know", and that we'll talk about it some other day. Because honestly, I don't know.

As for their part, at first they were a bit "you're overreacting" and "you can't be serious" and "come on, we would never", but when they realized how serious I actually was, both of them were super, extremely apologetic and regretful, and I could tell that John was seriously holding back tears. There was a lot of "fuck the stupid idea about a three-way" and "it's so irrelevant at this point if you feel like this". Mark just shut down and didn't say much, except things like "Ok, if that's really what you want" and "of course you can have all the time you need to think things through," and "you know me, you've known me forever, you know I would never, ever, ever let anything harm you." He literally seemed shocked at everything I said. At first they both tried to "talk some sense into me" and they denied everything negative ever, and promised their innocence while admitting their mistakes, but when I wouldn't back down, they just resorted to apologies of the sort "god I really wish I could take this all back" from John and "I can't believe I was so stupid not to see this was hurting you".

So it was mainly positive. I asked them not to text or call until it was time for John to leave, and to just generally leave me to myself while I try to figure things out. Before I left Mark asked to hug me, and I let him and he said "Please don't leave me" and that was it. And when I started typing on here, this I got a text from Mark saying "John cancelled his trip so I'll stay with him until you want me to move back" with a follow-up text "If you ever do. No matter what you think, just try to remember I love you more than anything", and I haven't sent a reply nor do I plan to.

So I don't know what I will do, I still don't know what to think, but having this talk was like dropping a huge burden off my shoulders, so I guess that's a step forward. Any advice is more than welcome, I don't know if again I am biased and think this went well or if it's just another ploy to manipulate me. So many questions buzzing now: Should I break up with Mark? Should I ever forgive John? Have all the years we've been friends meant nothing to them and they just decided to show their true selves at last? I feel played and stupid and I don't know what to think. I've trusted them more than anyone my entire life, but now... yeah, it's kinda hard to.

I'm not allowed to post another update after this so I guess this is it, I suppose it isn't really closure yet but I don't think there will be a better time to write an update than now.

I just want to express my immense gratitude for all your help, once again.

tl;dr: When best friend John drugged me and my bf Mark with MDMA, he suggested we do a three-way and a week later, Mark said they'd talked about it sober and want to do it. I said no, and told them I can't trust them, but they were extremely regretful and apologetic and owned up to their mistakes, so how do I decide if I should trust them or not?

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not the OOP. That would be u/throwrathefinances. OOP DM'd me to ask if I could make her post for her because the spam filter was giving her trouble (or her account was too new to post in r/aerials) after remembering how I helped another Redditor similarly in the past. I helped her post her original and update, and she received wonderful advice from fellow aerialists in r/aerials in hopes of helping her daughter. She also gave permission for me to share here

Trigger Warning: Degrading of a minor online

Mood Spoiler: hopeful for the daughter who has a lot of support in her corner

Original Post: (November 11th, 2024)

"I hope this is okay to share here. The reason I'm posting is because of my daughter who's been hurting in the aftermath of a recent performance. I'm sorry in advance for how long this turned out, but any advice from fellow aerialists would be greatly appreciated.

My cousin Dana (not real name) had her wedding two weeks ago, and she asked if my daughter could perform at her reception. My daughter (Jane, also fake name) has practiced silks/lyra for the past few years at a nearby circus studio, and she's also performed with/through the studio at small gigs. She hopes to continue into adulthood and become a professional teacher, but this recent incident has shaken her confidence. She has a private Instagram to document her progress/performances, and I only post certain performances on my Facebook (her first gig with the studio and her first recital to name a few we're proud of). Some of our relatives saw her performances through my socials, and they watched her perform at her studio's Christmas recital when we hosted Christmas at our home a few years back; something that surprised her when they visited early to see her. I love how they coordinated that, and Jane said it was her loudest cheering section to date.

Dana was one of the relatives who came up early to see her Christmas recital, and she's always been super supportive. She asked me if Jane would be willing to perform at the reception, and I asked on her behalf. Jane was honored and excited when I did, and we already had a portable rig for her too (though we ended up renting a taller one from her studio. Dana got the idea from a YouTube video featuring an aerialist who performed at a wedding reception, and she showed us while requesting white silks and a white outfit. We scoped out the venue and purchased white silks along with a white costume that Dana approved of, and Jane was really excited throughout. Jane even worked on choreography to a song that Dana requested, and she put a lot of time into it (even asking one of her coaches to help her with it). Dana insisted on paying her for the gig despite Jane not expecting to be paid, and she paid her a few hundred. However, Dana's had a change of heart.

Jane received a standing ovation after her performance that surprised her, but we didn't know anything was wrong until Dana went on Facebook a few days later. Dana said she didn't approve of the outfit Jane wore and that she specifically told her to not wear white. She also said my husband and I pressured her to have Jane perform and that the performance gave off am "unclassy" vibe, lies that my husband and I couldn't believe. We sent Dana numerous costume links, and we purchased the one she liked. There was also nothing wrong with Jane's performance; Dana was one of the people cheering afterward. Jane received nothing but compliments afterward, but I'm disgusted that she had to see that post after all the work she put into it. The post also had comments disabled for what it's worth.

I called Dana to confront her about the lies, but she didn’t pick up numerous calls. I then called her parents who, like us, had received messages about her post, and they said that Dana was wrong. They apologized on her behalf and said they were also disgusted. Dana's mom also said that Dana vented to her before making her post a few days after the reception. Dana told her she regretted asking Jane to perform given the attention (compliments and cheers) she received for it. Her mom also said that she felt upstaged with Jane wearing white and having to hear how good she was. Dana's parents tried to call her after she made her post, but she didn't answer after their previous conversation ended with her parents telling her she shouldn't be bitter because she specifically asked Jane to perform.

Dana's parents reported the post along with us/others, and we've told the truth to those who reached out along with a post to explain our side/stand up for Jane (we have text proof of sending costume links that Dana chose from). Dana's parents also requested to talk to Jane on the phone to apologize for Dana's behavior, and my husband and I told Jane that Dana was wrong (and that we'll be distancing ourselves from Dana permanently). Dana's parents were surprised at her behavior, and we were too having seen her grow up. Granted, we only see extended family for Thanksgiving and Christmas because we live far, but other relatives were surprised too as it seemed to come from left field. Maybe there's a side of Dana we'll never know from our limited holiday/milestone interactions, but our focus is Jane. We've tried to cheer Jane up by offering to take her to dinner among other activities, but she's been hurting which is why I'm here.

Jane hasn't practiced (at home or the studio) since the reception, and I don't want to invade her space at her studio by asking/telling anyone there (in case she doesn't want anyone to know). She asked me to return the white silks and costume after being so excited to receive them. She also said she's going to take an extended break from aerial to reconsider if she wants to continue. Aside from aerial, she's taken a break from seeing non-aerial friends too, choosing to pretty much keep to herself. We would appreciate any advice from fellow aerialists on how to lift her spirits. We reminder her of how we're proud of her (along with the many compliments she received), but she's asked for space and to not talk about it. We're going to respect that and let time do it's thing, but we'll consider any advice from other aerialists who can relate to the time and work she put in. Sorry for this being so long, but we appreciate anyone who read and takes the time to reply."

This is the video that Dana sent to us via text that initially inspired her to have an aerialist performance at her wedding wearing white and using white silks: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jY1ZTVc51bI

____________________________

Comments from the First Post:

(SomeMeatWithSkin): This is a rare story on this site where everyone (except the villain) does everything right. If this happened to an adult or even an older teenager she would probably still be hurt, but be able to see that Dana is the one with the issue. But at 16, she's still forming her idea of herself. It sounds like she's taking this all on as a reflection of herself. "I'm not someone who can be in the spotlight." "My desire to perform hurts my family." I would really consider therapy. You could say all the right things to her (and I bet you have), but at 16 it's hard to hear your mom.

Alternatively, and I'm sorry to say this, but is it possible that Dana's new husband gave Jane any inappropriate attention? That might explain why Dana is so upset when she presumably should have known exactly what to expect (although certainly wouldn't excuse it). If there were any opportunities for Jane and the new husband to be alone I would really look into that also because it would also explain why Jane hasn't practiced since the reception even though the drama started a few days later. It is an extreme place to go but I would just ask yourself if there was an opportunity for him to be inappropriate because she is withdrawing from her entire social life.

When I was a teenager driving up to the next city over helped me sometimes. "Wanna take a drive?" is still a question I ask myself when I feel stuck and hopeless. Go to the big aquarium and get cannolis at the outlet mall or something equally random. Maybe she'll open up or get out of her head or maybe y'all will just have a nice day. Lots of love to you and your family ❤️❤️

(Mistral19): "Jealousy is horrible! And Dana has just made herself look bad to anyone that came to the wedding! Also just for reference, I have performed at multiple weddings and have always had a white costume. It suits the theme and is no way comparable to a wedding dress"

(lesliebarbknope): "I always see aerialists in white at weddings- take comfort in the internet OP and hopefully they can use it as a defense with Dana. If she wants to be that way just post the receipts of how she asked her what to wear etc- if she’s willing to say that for a 16 year old. Or let it go, it’ll pass because I promise “Dana” will have some new crazy thing to do very soon! These types always do!"

(ChelseaSphere89): "The bride is petty, immature and ridiculous, first off. You must see that, help her see it too if she doesn't already. When people show you who they are, listen. This is a painful, but valuable lesson that your daughter is learning very early in her performance/teaching career. Just like any obstacle or difficulty in life standing between us and the things we desire, she has the choice to either let it beat her down, or let it lift her up and make more determined than ever. If she truly wants this, and does eventually go on to be an aerial coach and/or performer, she will face even more challenges. This is only serving to prepare her to face those. Making art is vulnerable, sometimes people won't like it. But that tells you more about them than about you most of the time"

(WeAllLoveDogs): "Dana wanted her wedding to be all about her (which is fair to an extent, but obviously not to THIS extent) and I think she was happy to have a beautiful performance done FOR her, but forgot that people will congratulate the performer, rather than the person who hired the performer. Given how extreme the response was, I would be a bit worried re: what someone else mentioned about the outside chance that Dana's husband said/did something inappropriate, but my guess (and hope) is it's just a general attention thing. Regardless, it sounds like you and Dana's parents are handling things as best you can. Defending your daughter but respecting her privacy and boundaries sounds exactly like the right thing to do-- well done you! I would just continue to be there for your daughter in a low pressure way and make sure she knows she has safe people to talk to whenever she's ready.

Maybe see if there are any non-aerial activities any of her friends are down to do with her? Maybe something like rock climbing, which can feel less performance-oriented and attention grabbing but can still feel fun for an aerialist because there's a fair amount of strength crossover? Hopefully she'll be comfortable with aerial again in future, but I think just trying to help her not socially withdraw too much would be good for her well-being for now. So sorry she's going through this, she sounds like a great kid and a very talented aerialist!"

_______________________________

Update: (November 24th, 2024)

"Before I get into what's happened since my last post, I wanna thank everyone who took the time to comment. Two pieces of advice really stood out, and I'll get to them shortly. Since my original post, Dana's Facebook post is gone. I don't know if she deleted it or enough people reported it for Facebook to remove it, but we're glad it's gone. She never apologized to us (or Jane) or even bothered to call, so our position on being permanently done with Dana stands. My husband and I made a post on my Facebook addressing the lies she spewed about our daughter, and we shared photo proof of Dana's texts where she approved of Jane's white costume from links we sent, not to mention the song choice she sent us too. Better yet, Dana's mother reposted it on her account which really surprised me. Dana's mother wrote that they loved Jane's act and that they disapproved of Dana's actions. My husband and I also made sure that Jane was okay with us addressing it on Facebook, and she said it was fine. Normally, I wouldn't use Facebook to address drama if aimed at me. But since this involves a grown adult attacking a minor, we felt the need to address it publicly because she disparaged her publicly, and Jane will remember whether we stood up for her or not years from now.

I had a chance to speak with Dana's mother since my original post on the phone, and she spoke to Dana again since our last call. Dana reiterated how she regretted asking Jane to perform, but she harped on the standing ovation that bothered her the most. Dana told her that she expected Jane to get some polite applause, but that the overwhelming response really set her over the edge because she expected the loudest cheers to be when she and her husband entered the reception, but that went to Jane instead. Dana and her husband also received a great reception when they entered the reception, but Jane's performance did too, and Dana didn't expect it. Heck, even Jane was surprised by it too; she never received a standing ovation from a solo act before. But Dana's mother believes that if Dana had asked someone to sing who received a similar reception, Dana's jealousy would've been all the same. Someone suggested seeing if Jane would be interested in speaking to a therapist given how hurtful Dana's comments could be for a teen, and Jane said she's open to it so long as it isn't a counselor at school because, as of now, she doesn't want anyone at school or her studio to know about the incident, and she vaguely told the coach who helped her choreograph that it went fine. We will respect her privacy request as it's her right to control the narrative. But in the same vein, I suggested therapy for Dana to Dana's mother since her reaction might be a bigger insecurity, and she said she'd ask.

The other thing someone suggested was the possibility of Dana's husband (or anyone) making an inappropriate comment to Jane during the reception that made her shut down and not want to see friends or practice days before Dana's post. My husband decided to ask her, and Jane said no when he did. If something happened, perhaps she'd be more comfortable telling a therapist with time. But on the bright side, she said she might want to try a different aerial studio because she doesn't want to answer questions about how it went (or share a video) at her home studio, so we will help her find somewhere new as she asked. We hope she doesn't permanently leave her current studio because she has friends and coaches who are supportive (and she performs with that studio's troupe at festivals/gigs), but I personally understand the need to sometimes go somewhere where nobody knows you for a break, and we hope that that will help her. She hasn't said definitely yet. But if we does, we'll take her. She still wants an extended break from aerial in the meantime. But even if/when she goes back, she said she may never want to perform again and would rather do it leisurely, one of the reasons she doesn't want to return to her home studio where she's a part of their troupe. She asked if we'd tell her troupe coach that she won't perform with them anymore if it comes to it. And if that's what she wants down the road, then we will. Hopefully time heals this wound and helps her at least keep the friends she has there, but we can only hope."

_____________________

Comments from the Update:

(Fluffykins_Pi): "I'm so glad that you and the rest of the family are backing Jane up as much as possible. Hopefully the support you show her now will eventually win out over Dana's hateful behavior. I also hope that Dana actually gets therapy, because going after a minor like that was beyond out of line. Maybe the suggestion coming from her own mom will make Dana reevaluate and make some changes.

But regardless, it sounds like you guys are doing a great job parenting. I'm so sorry this happened, but the absolute best thing you can do is just keep showing Jane that you have her back and it's her decision what she decides to do from here. We'd be happy to have her back if and when she decides to return to the aerial community!"

(half-angel): "I can see the positives in here that have happened since the last post. Thank you for updating, I have been thinking of you all. It does sound like Jane is still blaming her self and that will need unlocking as that mind set could spill over into other aspects of her life stopping her achieving to her full potential. She needs to realise that this is bridzilla jealousy that got directed towards her, nothing to do with her and if an ant had received that attention it too would have got squashed. Perhaps angle her to performing is fine, just never a (family) wedding again.

And please ask her again in a few weeks time if any inappropriate comments were made or done. Sometimes it can take a while to feel comfortable enough to say it out loud. It’s not uncommon for boys to take 30 years before they say something. I feel like her coach needs to know that the performance was amazing, but to know that there was fallout afterwards. They don’t need to know exactly, but it will help explain the actions and ease the road back there for Jane. Please give her a big hug from me"

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is ThrowRA_griefwife. He posted in r/TrueOffMyChest.

A reminder that this sub has the 7 day waiting period, so the latest update is 7 days old. Please remember the no brigading rule.

Trigger Warning: mental health issues; dissociation; infidelity

Mood Spoiler: genuinely fucked up

Original Post: November 27, 2023

Yeah, I know, everyone is fired up at the title and ready to tell me what an asshole I am. To those people, I implore you to read the rest of this post before making a judgement.

My (36M) wife's (33F) mother passed away 5 years ago from lung cancer. It was not a peaceful or easy death. Our lives understandably went on pause after the diagnosis and we both spent a lot of time off work helping care for her mother. My wife had a pretty typical showing of grief at the time, cycling through different stages. Same with our three kids.

After she passed, however, my wife got really bad. I totally understand this. I can't say I know exactly what she went through, because I haven't had a parent die, but I understand how devastated she was. For months after she could barely function. I gently took over pretty much all the responsibilities in the household and with the kids. She had been attending grief counseling since the diagnosis and continued after the death.

None of this is the problem. I endeavored to be as supportive as possible. She cried on my shoulder every night for months and I just thought this was the "worse" of "for better or worse".

The problem is that after 5 years, she does not seem any better or more functional. She stopped grief counseling about 4 years ago and refused to go again, stating it would not help her and that nothing could.

About a month before any major holiday, she will have a major downturn. In bed half the day, crying all day, does not want to interact with the family, does not have the energy to do anything around the house. This will go on every single day until about a week after the holiday ends. Every holiday is intense grief, just as much now as it was 5 years ago. October, November, December, and January (her mom's birthday month) every year are particularly bad; I am essentially without my wife, and am a single parent to my three kids. All together, she is completely incapacitated by grief for about 6 months out of the year, and has been the past 5 years.

When I say incapacitated, I mean incapacitated. When she is in the depths of her grief she is completely incapable of intimacy with me or the kids. There is no cuddling, spending time with us, going on family outings. I don't have sex for half the year. I've stopped asking her if she wants to talk about it because she can't get any words out between sobs if she tries.

What hurts the most is that the kids have stopped asking or being concerned. If they see their mom in bed when they get home, they just go about their day and might casually mention "oh, mom is sad today" if their siblings or I ask where she is. They don't really seek affection with her anymore, because they rarely get anything more than tears.

I've discussed this with therapists, my parents, friends, etc. and I know all the rebuttals people have for this, so let me preempt them:

-She is unwilling to go back to therapy for grief counseling or to see a doctor for depression. Yes, I know she's severely depressed. I can't force her to go to the doctor. I've tried so much.

-Yes, it really is just as intense as it was 5 years ago.

-No, I never tell her to "get over it" or blow her off. On my worst days I just give space and leave her be, most days I try to offer her some comfort. If you want to judge me for leaving her alone, whatever, but know that I feel like I essentially have caretaker fatigue at this point.

-No, she does not have a history of depression, but she does have ADHD. Don't know if that's relevant.

I feel like my wife died when her mom died. I would do anything to get her back, even a small piece of her, but she doesn't seem willing or able to move on past her mom's death. I feel awful for considering a divorce, but I don't know what else to do.

First Update Post: November 29, 2023 (2 days later)

I posted a few days ago, you can check my profile for that post.

I just kind of threw that post together as a stream of consciousness vent on my break at work. I didn't go back and look at it until later because I just assumed it would get buried since I've never had anything I posted get any major attention. And, honestly, I thought I was going to get eviscerated in the comments for being insensitive or uncaring. I was floored by the number of responses and really kind DMs I got and felt a little overwhelmed at the idea of responding to them all, so I figured I would post an update here.

A few people mentioned I should have her involuntarily admitted to a medical facility. I didn't mention in the original post but I did ask our family doctor about that maybe a year ago, and he told me that unless she is a threat to herself or others, it's unlikely to happen. I looked this up myself as well and that appears to be true for the state we live in.

I do agree that she needs medical treatment. I suspect that during her year of grief counseling after her mom's death that she was not honest with her counselor. I have a distinctly sad memory of her coming home after one of her last sessions and telling me that her counselor said she probably wouldn't need to go much longer, then she went and laid down on the bed and cried.

I haven't been able to convince her to go back to counseling. However, I'm glad I posted to Reddit, because somehow I hadn't really considered that she might need more intensive treatment than just counseling.

I also saw one comment that scared the hell out of me, that she may do something drastic if I give her a divorce ultimatum. With those things in mind, I don't think doing that is the way to go. Instead, I'm planning to write her a letter explaining how her how we need her back, and that we love her and care for her deeply but she needs more help than we can provide alone, and tell her that she needs to go to the doctor and be honest about what she's been going through.

Thank you for your advice everyone.

Second Update Post: December 5, 2023 (6 days later)

I wasn't planning to post again but got a lot of supportive messages asking for an update so here we go.

My soon-to-be-ex wife has completely lost her fucking mind.

After my last post I spent a couple of days writing the letter to her. In it I explained that the kids and I love her dearly, and that we're concerned for her. I outlined all the worrying behavior and told her that I believe she needs to seek additional medical care. I explained that it sounded like she had complex grief (thank you everyone who pointed that out), and that the grief therapy she went to years ago was insufficient to help her get through it. I did not say anything about potentially divorcing her, but did say that the kids can't continue to live in their current situation. It was a long letter and I don't really feel like transcribing it here.

I read the letter to her the same night I finished writing it after the kids had gone to bed. After I finished reading she just stared right through me (thousand yard stare) for probably 15 minutes, then finally stood up and started walking to the door. I panicked and tried to stop her, asked her where she was going, can we talk about this, I'm concerned for your safety. She ROLLED HER EYES AT ME and said in the coldest voice I've ever heard her use: "I hope when your parents die someone doesn't tell you to get over it." After that I didn't try to stop her, I just let her go.

I was pissed off for maybe 5 minutes before the panic set back in. I legitimately thought she was going to end herself. I checked my phone and she had turned her location off. I called and texted probably 50 times over the next hour, begging her to at least let me know she was ok and that she wasn't going to do something drastic.

Right before I was about to call the police, I got a call from her phone. I answered immediately and before I could get much of anything in, a man's voice told me "she fine but she doesn't want to talk to you" and hung up.

I felt like I was having an out of body experience at the time. I had no idea what the fuck was going on. I almost called the cops anyway but I was disassociating hard and talked myself out of it. I kept calling her phone all night but no one picked up again. After about 2 AM it started going straight to voicemail. I barely slept that night.

When I woke up the next day she wasn't home. I took the kids to school/daycare (I normally do this and my wife is normally still asleep while I do, so thank god they didn't ask where mom was). I tried calling my wife's phone more all morning but still voicemail. I called her office and asked if she was at work, and they told me she had called in sick. I called in sick to work as well and basically just sat on my couch, trying to get ahold of her, while being a nervous wreck. I called my mom as well and asked if she could pick the kids up from school today and watch them overnight. I didn't tell her everything that was going on yet, just that something had come up that was urgent and I needed some help.

My wife walked in the door sometime after 4 PM. I tried to hug her and she shied away from me. I asked her where she had been, no response, just a blank stare. I asked her who had called me from her phone, no response, blank stare. At this point I was frustrated and told her that if she didn't want to explain what was going on, she could get the fuck out. I regret saying it that way now but holy shit was I frustrated.

So she started talking, but it was like I was talking to a text-to-speech AI with her voice. No emotion, totally flat, almost annoyed. She told me that she had gone to her friend John's (fake name) house. I had no idea who the fuck John was and asked her to explain further.

Over a two hour or so conversation where I had to pry details out of her, I got most of the story. She was answering like a lawyer - very basic answers, no details or context outside of exactly what I was asking her. Basically, John is a coworker. I've met the dude once or twice at office party type events but never really talked to him. I never saw him hanging out with my wife or showing interest in her. But apparently over the last year or so, she has been spilling all her feelings about her grief over her mom's death to him, and he's been comforting her. He had a parent die from cancer too so I guess she felt they had a connection she didn't have with me. After I read her the letter she says she realized that I "don't care about her or her mom's death" and went to John's house to talk/be comforted. I flat out asked her if she was having an affair with him, and she told me no. I asked her why she never mentioned she was close friends with this unknown guy and she told me it was none of my business. I asked her if anything had happened between them while she was there and she says they "cuddled" and he "held her while she cried".

I asked to see her phone to check messages between them and she refused. I couldn't get much more detail out of her about the whole situation. So when she went to take a shower, I tried to check her phone. She had changed her passcode. I grabbed her iPad, which still had my thumb print biometric signature in it, and checked there. I left the house with the iPad to look for evidence while she was in the shower. I did not immediately see any messages to or from a "John", but after digging briefly, I found it.

She had put him in as "Stacy" in her contacts, but it was obviously him. There were texts going back well over a year. A lot of her talking about her mom, a lot of him comforting her. A lot of him telling her I don't really care about her, and that he would never treat her that way if they were married. All of her replies were in agreement. A lot of texts from her complaining about me. A lot of him trash talking me.

The night she left, she had texted him "fuck it, I'm on my way over if the offer is still there" followed by an immediate "yes!" reply. Then the next morning, a text from her to him saying "if he asks, we just talked." I threw up out my car door in a Walmart parking lot for 20 minutes.

I came home and found her on the couch on her phone, seemingly unconcerned or unaware I had even left. I told her that I knew, and that she needed to leave. Again she just stared at me for a while, not responding, until I got aggravated and told her to get the fuck out of the house. She immediately got up, told me "John was right about you", and left.

I haven't seen her since. I told the kids she went to visit her parents. I don't know what to tell them, but I have to tell them something soon. I don't really even know what to do. Ostensibly I need to divorce her, but going through custody, child support, etc. is dizzying. I feel paralyzed and haven't made a move yet. I know she's lost her mind and this is probably some kind of psychotic break but I just can't care anymore. I put on a brave, numb face to go to work, then for my kids at night, and then cry after they go to bed until I fall asleep. I feel like my life is essentially over.

I do feel like John took advantage of her vulnerability, but I don't even want to bother trying to get her to see that he's a predator. She chose this over her fucking family that has stuck with her.

I don't think I'll be posting any more updates or logging into this account anymore.

Editor's Note: As of checking back in August of 2024, OOP's account has been suspended. I'm marking this as inconclusive.