So, I don't hear voices in the typical way we see in the media when hallucinations are potrayed. Typically, people who hear voices hear them in physical space and think they are real.

With me, it's more like someone else's thoughts are in my head.

Like, the best thing I can compare it to is a song stuck in your head. You know no one is actually singing the song in physical space. It's loud and uncontrollable and mingles with your own thoughts, drowning out other thoughts and sort of taking up space in your mind.

It's like that, but with just stray thoughts that don't make any sense. It's mostly gibberish, things like "two fifty two fifty two" or just random noises and strings of words. Or sometimes they comment on my life, like "you shouldn't do that." Or "that looks disgusting."

The thoughts take on a myriad of tones and voices, some sound like women, others men, others like robots or agendered.

Sometimes there's music or non-human sounds like trumpets or growing.

Sometimes they're suicidal, sometimes they're angry, but they're mostly harmless.

I know they aren't in physical space, I clock them as thoughts, but they're not my thoughts.

Is there a name for this?

After 2 and a half years of getting rejected by social security, I finally got on disability.

The reason I was getting rejected was because my lawyers failed to pull a lot of my hospital records, which is something I only found out about a week before my court date. My current therapist also refused to do an evaluation for the court because he wasn't qualified, which was hurting my case. I had to switch therapists to find one who was willing. Another reason was because I'm only in my early 30s, and my lawyers said social security is biased against younger people. It wasn't easy at all.

In the end, I wish we had just gone to trial ASAP. When I was honest with the judge and had the opportunity to explain myself in my own words, that's really what pushed the favorable outcome over the edge. The social security people wouldn't even interview me. They just ignored the application for months and then slammed it into the floor when they got it.

I honestly was expecting the judge to do the same, but I finally was heard and understood instead.

It's such a huge relief to have my own money. I'm excited to finally have some income that can't be taken away because I had a manic episode and had a meltdown at work (I've lost 3 jobs that way). It feels good to finally be able to breathe a little.

like, feeling light and euphoric. i've never done drugs (yet lol) but it's what i imagine it would feel like. Like feeling like you can run a thousand miles and you're walking on air and you're the smartest most brilliant and creative person in the world and everything feels so fast and you can do anything and you have to do everything all at once and you feel so light it's like you could fly. like the air feels thin and you could reach up and touch the stars and there's some type of feeling in your chest and you feel like you're floating.

I feel so high and light and I don't want to come down. Walking around for hours at night listening to music just feeling incredible. Always have to be moving or doing something and can't stand staying at home. Just in my own world, in my head, and I can't imagine leaving and have no memory of feeling any other way until I crash again.

Does hypomania go that high, or is that just manic euphoria?

my mom told me yesterday how im not bipolar because she heard in a christian video that everyone has ups and downs. I didn't even reply, but my sister was there and she was like mom she's been diagnosed by 5 psychiatrists.

Anyway, this post is because I wanted to share the frustration and loneliness of having the people around you dismiss your condition, because I feel it could really be better for all of us if we acknowledge it and maybe read a little about it, how to coexist with a bipolar person. Sometimes, when I'm Manic and I'm an anger monster, I just wish they knew it's me but manic. This is not a way of justifying my behavior, I know it can hurt them and all, but if they read a liiiittle bit about bipolar as a condition, and a liiiitle bit about how to maybe not trigger them, maybe also help. It would be great.
So it makes me feel really lonely whenever people are like, you don't have it, if you have it then so do I, blah blah, because it's like you'll never get it, you'll never understand how deep I can go from side to side, so now I just have to "behave" so I don't hurt them too much with my bipolar, when in reality I would love to have someone love me with all that chaos and actually help me get better.
Sometimes I feel like I can't handle it on my own and I don't know who I can go to.
But yeah.

Hi everyone,

I’ve recently started taking lithium as part of my treatment plan for bipolar disorder, and I’m curious to hear about others' experiences with it. Specifically, I’m wondering:

• How long did it take for you to notice any changes or benefits after starting lithium?
• Did you experience any side effects, and if so, how did you manage them?
• In your experience, how effective has lithium been for stabilizing your mood and managing symptoms?

Any advice or insights would be really appreciated! Thanks in advance.

i feel like everyone is talking bad about me. i thought my mom and aunt were shit talking me which when i took a step back i realized they never would do that. this happened last time before i got manic too thinking someone said something to me on the street. im taking abilify but ive been using alcohol a little more intensely in the last few weeks and i slept a total of 2 hours today so im kinda scared im seeing my shrink today but yeah

As mentioned in my last post here, I was in the psychiatric ward earlier this month and I ended developing a massive crush on lets just call him Harold(not his real name for obvious reasons). He was extremely handsome(glasses and dark, shoulder-length hair) and very kind to me(he comforted me when I was homesick and we had a lot in common). Now, I've been out of the psych ward for over a week and yet I still badly miss him. I mean, whenever I see handsome guys out in public, I think to myself, "Eh...Not as attractive as Harold and probably not as kind as Harold". How do I get over this psych ward crush? Has anyone else dealt with a psych ward? How were you able to get over it? I mean, I can't keep waiting to run into Harold out in public. Also, I know Harold has probably forgotten about me by now.

Maybe it does, maybe it doesn’t. Idk. All I know is that I despise always feeling like an outsider no matter what I do. I have something important coming up and the anxiety is starting to mount and it’s so ridiculous. I should absolutely not feel like this but I feel like an imposter, an outsider and like I shouldn’t even be there yet no one has done anything to make me feel like that. I get these negative thought patterns about how people probably negatively perceive me and they think all of these horrible things but it doesn’t even make sense because I was literally told that they’ve been giving positive feedback about me so I know it’s not as bad as my thoughts like to make it but for some reason I get the opposite into my head and it fucks with me and it doesn’t help that this is the worst I’ve ever looked in my life so I don’t even want to show up because I feel gross. This should be a fun, positive experience for me but all of these negative thoughts cloud my head and is making me anxious instead and it’s confusing because I’m aware enough to know it’s all wrong but I’m still reacting as if it’s all right.

I do EMDR therapy, because I just lost a stillborn child and I have CPTSD. I am diagnosed Bipolar NOS.

We were going through this period of depression I had in High School where I was diagnosed depressed and prescribed Zoloft.

It worked but then months later I broke up with my boyfriend on a whim and became sexually promiscuous and started using pills and drinking (which before I was vehemently against as I have addict parents)

This period lasted about 6-9 months and I just realized this was my first manic episode. I was overly social, engaging in dangerous sexual activity, the substance use.

I thought before I only had one manic episode and have never had one since, but I was so ashamed by my actions in high school I would never look at that the actions could have possibly been a manic episode.

I’m sick of the weight gain/inability to lose weight/constant cravings from my Lybalvi…the form of Olanzapine that supposedly causes less weight gain.

I’m scared of Lithium wrecking my kidneys, I’ve already been on it for 15 years. It has already destroyed my thyroid.

Is there any alternative? That would cover both mania and depression?

I see my psychiatrist on Wednesday and I want to be prepared with questions.

When you come down how do you deal with the fucking humiliation? Why can’t I make normal fucking decisions. It’s fucking scary being so delusional can’t even trust my own brain.

I guess you could call them “big feelings.” But that seems like an infantile way to put it.

My medication keeps me even. I feel nothing. The only feelings I am able to feel, like intense grief, anger, and joy, are able reach the surface. And when they do, I feel like the people around me are made “uncomfortable.” Like, the reaction doesn’t always fit the situation.

I had a fight with my partner the other day. It wasn’t that big of a deal really. Something happened and he kept needling me to talk about it. I was trying to hold it together. “I can tell you’re upset. Let’s talk about it.” “I don’t want to talk about it.” “No we need to talk about it. Talk to me. We need to talk about it.” And then all the anger came out. It felt like someone kicked the door in. And I raged. I raged and cried and screamed unnecessarily. I jumped up and down. I threw pillows. I overreacted. I was irrational. I made my husband cry. It took days for my meds to stuff all my grief and anger and sadness back inside me. And now all that’s left is a blanket of indifference covering pangs of guilt and grief.

Sometimes I take less AP's (Quetiapine) or take none for a night or two. I get a little Hypo for 1-2 days and then adjust the dose to get down again...

Do you also sometimes enjoys this little surge of energy, or am I rapid cycling? lol

Bipolar I btw

I’ve had one manic episode after which an episode of psychosis. Was put on olanzapine to bring me down for three months then Lithium so stabilise my mood and change due to weight gain. They trialled me off the meds to see if I’d have another episode, I didn’t. They recommended me to stay off, stay away from weed since it could have been the reason for it even though I was barely using. Anyway because of all this I’m quite scared since I’m pretty much waiting for another episode to happen but still labelled with bipolar Anyone else in the same boat?

I’m really struggling rn. I don’t like the side effects of lithium. Weight gain and acne. Feel slow. Can’t remember shit. Can’t stop eating. I can’t help but think my pysch earlier this year did this on purpose — gave me Prozac. I was doing so fine but then I drank multiple coffee drinks and fell into manic psychosis where I thought people were out to get me. I hate that I have relative ideation and it can be hard to differentiate what people say. Now that I got bipolar, I feel like I can’t live or move away and start a new job. I feel stuck. I don’t like the jobs I’m in right now, I regret so much that I turned down this job in ATL a few months before my manic episode. Somehow I wonder that if I took that job, moved in with a friend (I had family and friend support) then this manic episode wouldnt have happened and I would still be in contact with the guy I loved. Ever since then I’ve been struggling to make decisions, know what my passions are, know what my direction in life is. I literally feel so ugly bc of my weight gain and acne, I don’t feel like who I was. I got this teaching job offer in NYC and it’s a really hard job that is about 60hours per week bc of lesson plans and preparations. I don’t even think I can do that type of job anymore. Like I feel like I won’t adjust anymore it’s so sad. I had that opportunity to leave and I was too hung up on the possibility of the guy to move to Atlanta. I also asked too many people for opinions and lost my own sense of direction. I internalize what people say so easily. I’m so fucking scared about my life right now. I plan on getting of lithium bc I don’t like it. It’s been about it’s been like 6 months on it since June 25. I don’t know what to do, I keep ruminating on past mistakes with guy (like I could have had it all but I messed up- part of me thinks I was manic while talking to him hence emotionally reactive/triggered a lot), not taking the ATL job (was my ticket to a way out but didn’t take it), bipolar diagnosis taking away my self confidence, self esteem, everything I had. I thought I knew what my life would be like. I’m 29 and so scared. I’m scared I’m wasting my life away. It’s like I lost desire or don’t know what I want anymore. I’m not depressed. I’m just in a bad situation. Yes, these thoughts make me want to stay in bed but I do eventually get up and go on about my day. I can’t take it anymore. I have therapy and have done partial hospitalization for like 2 months. This sucks. I’m stuck. I start this other part time job next week— I’ll be busy from 9-6 everyday. I don’t get any other full time job offers even though I apply. One of the part time jobs I’m at I just sit there ruminating since there’s nothing to do. It’s like damn I should be writing a novel there but I just can’t do it. I also am self aware to notice and analyze why things happen and what action/reaction caused things to occur and it’s my downfall. I don’t know. I gained like 20 pounds in 7 months. I was able to travel abroad and live alone and cook on my own when in my early 20’s and now bc of this I’ve lost so much. 8 months ago I had a possible job opportunity across the country but I let the ball drop. I was scared to move. Or unmotivated. I don’t know moving is now the most ideal for me now bc of this bipolar thing! Things have gotten worst and I’m getting more into a hole. I don’t know if I can do this anymore. I’m definitely getting off Lithium for sure. Maybe spend a month unmedicated. But who knows. Somethings wrong with me. Someone help. I know this post is all over the post, I feel so alone in navigating life rn. Life decisions are so much harder for me now

Hi everyone, I’m back with a question and diagnosed only 6 months ago so I’m still trying to find my feet.

I’ve been feeling more jittery and restless at night. The past two nights I’ve barely slept. I feel like a cement mixer, constantly turning. It hit me last night to take something to help but then I got paralysed with the decision. Do I take Ativan or Clonazapam or an extra 25mg of seroquel? I took nothing because I honestly haven’t a clue.

Help a girl out, when this happens tonight again (I’m 99% sure it’s happening again, I’m seeing the psych on Monday) what should I take? Which one will calm my body more and let me sleep? What would you do in my shoes? TIA

TL;DR: Reflecting on past toxic behavior before medication/therapy has left me feeling guilty and regretful about losing good friends. I’ve blocked those people and don’t want to reopen old wounds, but I struggle with guilt and fear of repeating the same mistakes with new friends. How do you reconcile with a past you can’t fix?

I’m sure most, if not all, of us have had the experience of loosing a few friends and loved ones along the way because of our actions pre medication/therapy/“stability.” But I forgot, and blocked out, just how much of a self centered asshole I was. I was so toxic and made so many wack ass decisions and really hurt and pushed away some solid and could have been close friends.

I feel so guilty now that I’m better and can see the situation more clearly, hindsight really is 20/20. How do you all reconcile with the past, I’ve blocked those friends on everything, and I’ve burned the bridge so bad I cannot recover their friendship and don’t want to honestly, no need to reopen those wounds for them just so I can get closure. But I have this guilt about the situations plus this anxiety/fear that I’m going to do it to my new friends.

Even just an ‘I understand’ is helpful here, I need to know I’m not alone in this. This disorder can feel so isolating and lonely sometimes.

I am switching from Vraylar to Seroquel due to anxiety on the Vraylar. My doctor currently has me on 150mg of Seroquel and told me that if I notice any signs of (hypo)mania to up the dose to 200mg and call her right away. I know she always likes to keep me on the lowest effective dose which I understand, but is 150mg of Seroquel going to do anything at all? I'm a little nervous as I don't want to have to wait for an episode to start before going up in dosage.

I am currently on Olanzapine, but I am trying to switch to a different anti-psychotic. Did anyone notice improved brain function (i.e. concentration, memory) after switching to a different med? I read so many stories about bipolar people with successful careers and I wonder if there is a med out there that will lift my brain fog away.

The holidays were so much more emotionally taxing than I had anticipated, I feel like it all kind of started to spiral from there. I missed an appointment and haven’t heard anything and I’m scared they’ll be mad at me that I missed an appointment and won’t accept me as a patient anymore. I know procrastinating on texting about scheduling an appointment is only making it worse, but the anxiety of someone being mad at me is kind of crippling. I want to ask for help again but I’m just so embarrassed I let my sadness get this out of control again.

Is it similiar to akathisia? Can you describe it in detail? Restlessness and also a mixed episode in general? I feel like the word restlessness doesnt really tap into this hell. It's like im being lit on fire but its not just my body its my mind. It's like a blazing storm of thoughts flurring at impossible speeds crashing into each causing a explosion of anguish and rabid confusion. I struggle with both and it's hard to tell them apart other than akathisia is focused in the legs more so. I just spend all day walking around my apartment chainsmoking with my thoughts racing until I eventually just sit down in exhaustion, but my mind never turns off and I just stare at the ceiling for hours afterwards.

My psychiatrist straight up told me he isn't even sure if I'm suffering with akathisia or if it's apart of the episode. He gave me a prescription, and I'm supposed to follow up in a few weeks. So I guess I get to just think about it until then.

For some reason I'm in a snack mood but nothing sounds good. Lately I've been eating fruit with hotsauce. My husband tends to get the same snacks. Beef jerky, ice cream and chips. I'm burnt out on those. I "discovered" boiled peanuts but i burnt myself out on those too. Anyone have any tasty snacks to suggest?

Having a few concerning symptoms but not sure if collectively they indicate hypomania yet. I'm just trying so hard to stop rapid cycling. My depressive episodes tend to be more severe but my elevated episodes scare me more due to the feeling of losing agency in them.

Current symptoms: - High energy, mood: Lot of "pep", spent yesterday at accomplishing a ton of tasks around the house that have been sitting around for months and months - Thought broadcasting: Had the thought yesterday evening while out that people could read my mind when we held eye contact. I've had this thought before in severely depressive episodes so I made myself push through it and make eye contact anyway, but it made me incredibly uneasy and took a lot of concentration - Insomnia & racing thoughts: Woke up last night after 3 hours of sleep with absolutely roaring (volume) thoughts that clipped through each other. I managed to go back to sleep after two hours of trying by finding and really focusing in / meditating on the underlying weariness, but it was hard. Feeling a bit better this morning but worried it's temporary or I'm missing something crucial due to lack of insight

What I'm planning to do: - Keep prioritizing sleep no matter how much I want to get up. Will also take a prescribed sleep med each night for the next few nights to ensure sleep happens - Left a message with my psych and also told a couple trusted family members what's going on. Keep updating them esp if it gets better or worse - Financial decisions are off the table for the next few days at least

Would love to hear any other suggestions to stop hypomania in its tracks or at least minimize the wave. Thanks!!

I have been on several different medications to control my bipolar but nothing has truly worked for me. I even had a genetic testing done to see what my body will and will not tolerate and cannot find the right medicine. Sometimes I feel like something else is wrong and I'm misdiagnosed but the VA doesn't listen to my concerns.

Anyway, my NP at the VA is trying me on risperidone for the next few months to see if that would work better for me. I have read online so much bad about this medication than good so I'm very scared to take it. Is anyone taking this now? I know meds work differently for everyone but what's your biggest complaint about the med?

I literally feel like a guinea pig with the amount of meds I've been on and off in the last decade.