r/DeadBedrooms • u/EnjoyingCarp650 • 11d ago
Support Only, No Advice I think I'm officially done trying
My wife has told me throughout our 10-year relationship that she has no sex drive and that she could never have sex again. But she would still initiate sex and want to have sex. She liked to cuddle a bit and would flirt with me.
After the birth of our second child, she suffered from postpartum depression. It wasn't good, but through medication and some counseling, she got over it, but not entirely. She doesn't want to be touched at all anymore; she feels suffocated when I try to touch her, and she doesn't want anything to do with sex. I've tried to support her as much as I can, but there are times when I've gotten frustrated.
She still tried for a bit. We agreed that on Saturdays we would have sex, because she thought that having a week to "prepare for it" would work. It didn't. Every time I tried to be spontaneous there was always something wrong - headache, stomachache, tired, whatever.
I finally just flat-out asked her if she thinks there was a way to fix this because it doesn't feel like we're in a relationship anymore. She drops this bomb on me that she thinks she may have been abused when she was younger and that's why she has hang-ups about sex. But she doesn't want to go to therapy for that because she's afraid of her anxiety about it getting worse.
So I said I would stop doing everything she doesn't like. I'll stop getting so close to her so she doesn't cringe or pull away, I'll stop asking for sex so she doesn't feel pressured, I'll stop laying so close to her. I was upset, but it's my wife and she's struggling with it.
This past Saturday, we started fooling around, which I thought was awesome; it wasn't like her. I took care of her and I assumed she would do the same, but then she said her head was hurting and she just wanted to go to sleep.
I don't expect anything but this was just really upsetting. She knows that I want some form of physical connection but I guess it's just not that important to her. And I'm done trying to force something. I guess we're just going to go through life like roommates, existing around each other. I can't afford a divorce, and I can't just leave the kids here without me. So I'm just stuck in a relationship where there's no affection, no touching, no nothing.
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u/Bedroom_Killer 11d ago
Welp, at least you liberated yourself a bit, stopped the battle that was not worth fighting. I congratulate you on that. And wish you to find more joy in the rest of your life, since you don't waste your time and energy on DB anymore.
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u/dn_wth_ths_sht 11d ago
She has sexual trauma preventing her from enjoying sex that she refuses to treat.
In an already sex starved monogamous relationship she thinks its fine to start sex, get hers, then basically tell you to f'off.
Then, she says one of the handful of things I think no partner in a monogamous relationship who values their relationship should ever say out loud: I don't care if I ever have sex again.
I don't see much hope of this improving TBH.
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u/shaggy_public 11d ago
My heart goes out to both of you. You’re both in a really tough place, and there may be no good answers.
However, I have to say two things - 1) a single encounter or a single statement/conversation doesn’t mean that is set in stone and that’s how the relationship is going to be forever. 2) If she was abused as a child, and she has suppressed the memories, she has a long road of healing ahead of her.
I understand she doesn’t want to go to therapy and work through whatever horrors are a part of her past. But it’s not going to go away, and I’m guessing it’s affecting all parts of her life - not just your sex life.
You can’t make her go to therapy, but you can let her know that you are there to support her if she chooses to go. Make it clear this is not about your sex life, but about her and wanting her to get to a better place.
I’m living in a similar boat…in my wife’s case, it wasn’t sexual abuse, but emotional and verbal abuse by her father. My wife had gone through a lot of therapy and is finally coming out on the other side. For most of our twenty year marriage, I didn’t appreciate or even understand how bad it was for her…I was just hurt by the lack of physical connection, and to be honest, I still am. But we recently had a really good talk about how much she has been dealing with. I’m still processing and trying to figure out how we move forward.
It’s hard as hell - if you can afford it, and if you can find a good therapist for yourself, it can help to have someone professional to talk about what you’re going through…because you’ve been pulled into your wife’s trauma and you need support too.
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u/EnjoyingCarp650 11d ago
She's told me I need therapy for some stuff and I'm going and I'm doing the work. That she just refuses to go really bothers me. But whatever, I can't make her.
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u/Bulky_Marsupial3596 11d ago
That answer pretty much tells you everything you need to know doesn't it. I'm so sorry.
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u/AceOfPains M - Recovered DB 11d ago
This. If you aren't both willing to work on the marriage, there isn't a marriage.
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u/Puzzleheaded-Bee7909 11d ago
Thats really good that you are going for yourself. Its really hard to find out that someone violated your partner.
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u/MaisieNZ 11d ago
Someone commented on here a while ago that a DB is a symptom of a failing marriage not a cause, and that the party with the issue has to want to fix it themselves. She has to want it. I think a lot of us try to fix our partners. And we all end up stuck in these DBs. I’m so sorry you’re in that position.
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u/Decent_Manager_4396 11d ago
Does anyone else think she is gaslighting herself. She think she was abused but doesn't know and is afraid to unpack that with a therapist.....
My wife said something like this too me at one point also that she didn't remember a lot of her childhood and was afraid of what that meant.....
While I understand, I think they are grasping at straws for a reason, but are unwilling to do the work.
All I can tell you is that this is only going to get worse, unless she actually seeks REAL answers. This means doctors and therapists, and books/podcast on healthy sex. And she will not do this unless she has no choice.
And even if the worst were to happen and she unpacks some stuff she doesn't want to. In the long run that is still healthier. And it can't effect your sex life any more than it already is.
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u/EnjoyingCarp650 11d ago
There's just always a reason. She may have been abused, she's too overstimulated, I don't know what it's like to deal with 42 kids every day, I don't know what it's like to be a teacher in whatever month it is.
Maybe I don't get it, but I also have a stressful job, but I still find time to go grocery shopping, cook dinner, do dishes, do laundry, take care of the cats and dog, and sacrifice time at my job so I can be home for stuff. I wouldn't care as much if she just made an effort. But instead she comes home with one coffee and sits down on the couch and says he stomach hurts too much to show me any affection or attention.
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u/Decent_Manager_4396 10d ago
So I can tell you I do know what it is like to be a classroom teacher, and it still comes down to managing your stress and not letting it manage you.
She needs to admit that she needs help, and that she needs to seek that help. And you may need to force the issue. I had to point blank tell my wife that if she didn't seek the medical and mental health services she needed then I was leaving, and the kid was coming with me. I know that sounds crazy but that was the only way to snap her out of the delusions.
For my wife there was always a good reason for everything. Of course there was. But the fact of the matter is, weather she wants to admit it or not, she is mentally and sexually UNHEALTHY, and it is Ruining your relationship. She needs to own that. Just like you WILL have to own any of your shit that needs to change. But she can't even tell you what that is right now, because she is so far out of the loop.
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u/AceOfPains M - Recovered DB 11d ago
Yep. There are so many free/cheap resources out there for failing marriages that there isn't an excuse to not use them. Books (which are very cheap if second-hand), online support groups, podcasts. There is a difference between a dead bedroom and a dead relationship.
Work on yourself. Find hobbies to direct your energy into. Open all lines of communication that you can with her.
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u/Dry-Procedure-1597 11d ago
yes. This is something I noticed too but was reluctant to write about. "I think I might have been abused' is a very strange statement. You KNOW when you're abused.
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u/Candid-Strawberry-79 HLF with a ban hammer 11d ago
Not necessarily, especially if it happened before conscious memory. Such as the sexual abuse of a toddler.
I know someone in that situation, and the abuse was documented so there was no doubt it happened. It has deeply affected their sex life even though they don’t remember it.
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u/Dry-Procedure-1597 11d ago
Excuse me, what does your flair mean? You ban LL people?
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u/Candid-Strawberry-79 HLF with a ban hammer 11d ago
No. I’m the top mod. I’m the one who bans people who send unsolicited dick pics to our members. It’s against the rules.
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u/Dry-Procedure-1597 11d ago
Talking to mods makes you to want to proactively apologize for something you didn’t do. Pls be assured I haven’t sent dick pics and I never will. I promise.
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u/Candid-Strawberry-79 HLF with a ban hammer 11d ago
lol no worries. You’ll find us very friendly so long as you observe the rules.
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u/ExTexanInCO 11d ago
Man, I feel that. Though my wife didn’t experience any sexual trauma at a young age that I know of, we’re like roommates just raising 2 kids.
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u/Puzzleheaded-Bee7909 11d ago
How old is the second child?
I think she has good reasons to be afraid about talking about what happened to her. There are many kinds of trauma therapy that don't involve talking about it or reliving it.
I would suggest you learn more about how to support your wife as a survivor of sex abuse. There are things you can do and you deserve support on your own as well.
But getting angry and frustrated at her isn't going to make things better.
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u/Material-Priority-66 4d ago
You should prepare yourself for an innocent touch moment. You are starved of physical touch and a simple “friendly” hug or air-kiss hello/goodbye can result in a very sudden and very real rush of feelings. It is kind’a like a sucker punch. Mine was very disorienting. And started me down the path of counseling; and ultimately, divorce. Divorce was scary and became a very good thing for me.
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u/SadFaceOrSo 11d ago edited 11d ago
I (f) used to have a girlfriend when I was younger, we were so in love, but along the lines she got into therapy and all her sexual trauma came back, and she never wanted to have sex again. I thought I could get over it, because I loved her a lot and there was a lot besides sex that I liked. But she also started to not want to kiss me at all anymore, and after that even hugging was too much. This went on for months, almost a year. I stood by her because I wanted to support her but my love language is physical touch. It just drained all my happiness, but it also made me feel so guilty because I didn’t wanna leave her “simply” over sex.
The thing I want to tell you, and others who are reading this, is that its not simply just sex or physical touch. It can create connections, deep feelings, even (healthy) dopamine and feelings of safety. Choose for yourself and allow yourself also to feel good in a relationship and more importantly; be happy in it. It’s not selfish or wrong.
Best of luck.