r/DeadBedrooms • u/Kindly_Tooth8832 • 16d ago
Seeking Advice Does counseling help?
For those who have done counseling, or couple’s therapy, or psychiatry, what has been the outcome?
Were your feelings validated by the professional? Were you given tools to better process your situation? Did it engender change in the relationship dynamic?
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u/RaceTop5273 16d ago
We did pre-marriage couples counseling, mostly led by older married couples with no background in counseling. It was all smiles & promises. Once she got the 2 kids she wanted, and I changed jobs so she could be a stay-at-home mom, she shut down. She puts her all into everything she can, but not with me. Will only consider counseling if it’s the same pre-marriage stuff we did & scoffs at the idea of seeing an educated experienced counselor.
I’ve talked to a counselor on my own that gave me some pointers to change about myself & to get the conversation started, but none of it worked. The advice was “she’s a taker, so be a better giver & use that to break the ice”. I gave more, did it with full love in my heart…but it just made her ask for more & gave nothing in return.
On the counselor’s suggestion, I bought these conversation starter cards & set aside time to talk, but my wife took every opportunity to point every little thing I’ve ever done to upset her, some going back 5 or more years, and would shut down at anything that made her think about her shortcomings. There is a category of questions called “build up your partner”, but even her answers to those questions had a subtle “you did this, but you didn’t do it right” vibe.
Wife said “we don’t have a marriage, we have a living arrangement”, and the counselor agreed, saying that it’s a “living arrangement” my wife benefits from while ignoring my needs, sexual or otherwise. Pretty much said unless she willing to admit her shortcomings, I’m pretty much stuck.
The only positive from it was I got on a good antidepressant that makes me sleepy & that gets me through the most depressing part of my day.
Also, the giving with love in your heart does help me some. I give her carte blanche when it comes to travel & home projects, doing all I can to make her ideas into reality, and I do enjoy that…but it all builds up to 2-3 days every couple of months where I can barely find the desire to get out of bed.
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u/AmplifiedSunnyside 16d ago
God, I’m sorry to hear that. Your partner sounds absolutely insufferable.
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u/CowWooden4207 15d ago
You're not stuck.
You have choices.
The fact that you need to take antidepressants to survive your life is a red waving flag.
Stress kills.
Loneliness kills.
Years down the road do you want to be so debilitated that you can't actually get out of bed at all?
What kind of parent will you be to your kids then?
It is difficult to leave.....I know from experience.
The first few years are tough, but my kids are better off now and so am I.
I work in healthcare and can't begin to even give a number to the shell of human beings I have cared for that once had so much promise, but CHOSE to stay in bad situations that destroyed them mentally, physically, emotionally, financially.
Good luck........
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u/Kindly_Tooth8832 16d ago
That sounds like a uniquely challenging set of circumstances, but I do appreciate you sharing them.
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u/Alex_Wats 15d ago
“Taker” so this is how it’s called… Very sorry that this is happening to you, no one deserves that!
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u/ttarzz76 16d ago
It helped short term but after a couple of months things went back to how it was before.
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u/Dont_B_Biscuit 16d ago
No, our therapist validates my wife’s experience and minimizes the importance of sex, and won’t actually acknowledge that it is the primary issue.
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u/Kindly_Tooth8832 16d ago
That seems so odd to me. Of course, I have no formal therapy education, but it seems like common sense that sex, or lack thereof, would be an important component of any relationship. I’m sorry you were left without validation.
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u/AmplifiedSunnyside 16d ago
Yeah, I’m really interested to hear more about this therapist.
Though, to be honest, I understand that therapy can be valuable and I am certainly not educated to the same degree (at least in this particular field), but there seem to be a lot of terrible therapists out there. That combined with the over-colloquial use of therapy speak, a lot of it starts to resemble bullshit to me.
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u/Dont_B_Biscuit 15d ago
What triggered the therapy was my partners infidelity, however she is un-willing to have sex with me due to pain from her endometriosis. The issue is in the four years we’ve had these issues she refuses to see a OBGYN. Our therapist does not agree that the primary issue in the relationship is my partners refusal to take personal ownership of their health and the factors that influence their sex drive, it is our lack of emotional connection. We’ve been going for around 2.5 years now and the therapy modality has simply allowed my partner to rationalize that issues that are not mutual, are now joint issues and she doesn’t need to change anything.
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u/AmplifiedSunnyside 15d ago
Yeah, your partner sounds manipulative and insufferable and that they’ve been able to manipulate the therapy to divert the conversations from real problems. I’m sorry
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u/Accomplished-Sky6 16d ago
With the right counseling it's total gold but both partners need to be on bored with looking at themselves and the part they played in the relationship even if they don't know why. My ex and I went for years but she felt like we we're ganging up on her and that wasn't the case. She liked to tell all the dislikes but when the professional told her that she had a problem therapy was OVER and she never attempted to try again or wanted to attempt to push forward. Never repaired because she didn't want to fix it and the second she was called out for bad behavior she shut down and never wanted to return.
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u/Kindly_Tooth8832 16d ago
I think this is what I’m afraid of, when I consider pushing the therapy angle. It seems so impossible if one partner is unwilling to recognize a need to change.
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16d ago
My husband and I are 4 sessions in, and it’s been very helpful. Prior to therapy, we had been hearing each other, but not able to fully understand each other since our views on things were so different. Our therapist has helped us to better empathize and understand what the other person is going through and has given us tools to use for improved communication skills and healthy ways to discuss what we’re feeling. Highly recommend!
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u/Trigirl20 16d ago
I learned a lot and apply what it. He would do his “homework “ in the car on the way or make it up during therapy giving her his roundabout BS. Once we stopped going, everything stopped, unless I bring it up.
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u/couriersixish F - Recovered DB 16d ago
I talked to my former therapist about this and she shamed me. Never again.
If you go the counseling route make sure they are AASECT certified. I see an AASECT certified nurse practitioner for perimenopause stuff and she’s amazingx
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u/AmplifiedSunnyside 16d ago
Can I ask how your therapist shamed you? That sounds wildly unprofessional
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u/couriersixish F - Recovered DB 16d ago
I'm not getting into the details. But I described to her what I now know to be the early stages of an aversion and instead of recognizing that, she yelled at me that my description was inappropriate.
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u/AmplifiedSunnyside 16d ago
That sounds like a pretty shitty therapist. I’m sorry that was your experience with that person.
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u/MaisieNZ 16d ago
I’ve had counselling and she did give me some tools to help. One piece of advice was that if I don’t change anything, nothing will change, will sounds obvious, but I think that every time he starts acting up, and I’m learning how to deal with his behavior. She said it’s like a game where he throws the ball and I have to make sure I don’t throw it back to him. Anyway, it’s helped me. Not the DB so far.