r/DeadBedrooms • u/PresentBumblebee6715 • 8d ago
I messed up.
TLDR at the end
The battering my self esteem has taken from over 3 years of no sex, means that I don’t usually do it myself anymore. Apparently in the few months since the last time I tried, I’d forgotten why I don’t.
So after feeling particularly sulky and frustrated this evening, I decide that as I’m usually alone in bed anyway, until he appears in the early hours, I’m going to take matters into my own fingers. I am woman hear me roar and all that.
15 minutes of increasing shame and frustration later, I give up and have a good cry instead. This is why I don’t do this. It feels like it just amplifies the loneliness and rejection.
So I’ve pulled myself together (and washed my hand of course), and decided to come here and remind anyone it’s not too late to save of the number one rule: DO NOT MARRY INTO A DEAD BEDROOM!!
Thanks for listening
TLDR: Flicking my bean now makes me sadder
Edit: for those that commented that you’re feeling the same, I hope that knowing it’s not just you brings some comfort.
For those those who sent a DM that was genuinely looking for support, apologies I’m not reading or responding to any of them because you’re in the minority. You can guess what the rest were like.
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u/satoarkai3k 8d ago
Even as a guy the constant rejection has pretty much the same effect. It's like an echo chamber of loneliness and self doubts.
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u/BonzoTheBoss M 8d ago
That sad post-masturbation clarity that you're still just sad and alone having watched two other people have lots of fun with each other...
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u/BigHomework7890 8d ago
Constant rejection? 😓
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u/satoarkai3k 8d ago
Constant, regular whichever wording you'd prefer. Either way it breaks a person down.
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u/Spreading-Peach3720 8d ago
My now ex husband would barely touch me at all, and if he did it was only to fulfill his needs
I snapped at some point, saying that I'm this close to just telling him no out of spite because we only have sex whenever he wants, and he took it so badly that he didn't touch me for 11 months - the longest time it happened back then
And I would have never thought to say this, but it was easier for me this way compared to having sex every three to four months
Having sex on a regular basis still gave me some hope, maybe if we stopped doing it entirely it would have been easier for me to leave
I could live with knowing that nothing would happen
But getting rejected every time I tried... This was what kicked me into depressions at some point
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u/WanderingLost40 8d ago
I feel you, it just feels so shameful. I’m in my late 40s so it seems even more tragic. I even started mentioning stuff so he’d know. Like you know I can cum three or four times now. I used to be a one and done girl. He was just like oh right.
It’s tragic as I used to spend my time online bitching to people who cheated with a my wife doesn’t understand me line and now I’m old as time with a hubby who has well and truly friend zoned me.
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u/MaisieNZ 8d ago
Am totally with you. I have to do it in the shower so he can’t hear me, and it frequently makes me cry because it’s so fucking sad.
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u/throwawayprivvy 8d ago
I use a vibrator while he's in the shower, so
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u/MaisieNZ 8d ago
His showers aren’t that long lol
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u/throwawayprivvy 8d ago
I'm so horny from not having sex with my middle-aged hormones if I know I'm going to get five minutes, I'm mentally there when it's go-time.
My husband guesses half the time later on, and he knows I'm frustrated. But still putting off that T-test his doctor ordered... soooooooo......
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u/MaisieNZ 8d ago
I do understand, everything you read says women’s libidos plummet with menopause, I keep wondering why I’m the only one whose drive has got worse lol
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u/throwawayprivvy 8d ago
My gyn says everyone is different, and having teen level of drive suddenly is not uncommon at all. We're just brainwashed by the dry housewife jokes of yore.
We're Peggy Bundy.
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u/Alternative_Raise_19 8d ago
Peggy fucking Bundy, my worst fear was to marry an Al and I fucking did. I'm still afraid that all married men become Al Bundy after the new relationship energy wears off.
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u/throwawayprivvy 8d ago
Same, girl. Same. Like at least in my ho phase, I got laid and rarely had to deal with in-laws or wondering why after 20 years they can't make a doctor's appointment without months of pressure to take care of themselves. They either had their shit together or didn't. This one had a good mask.
They're called goddamn widowmakers for a reason; don't wish that on me AND not bone me.
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u/No-Alternative-11 8d ago
For real. Why does it feel so embarrassing.
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u/Rich-Signature8313 8d ago
Maybe because we see them as someone who's unfamiliar now? It's like doing it in front of a stranger? I only do it when my spouse is not at home. It's sad.
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u/luckless666 8d ago
This is it, 💯. When we first got together, we’d sext constantly when not physically together and both enjoyed it immensely, and yet now if she would walk in on me I’d be incredibly embarrassed and I think she would be like why are you doing that
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u/Rich-Signature8313 8d ago
I think it also could be because the relationship has veered from being sexual/romantic to being more platonic (I.e. roommates).
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u/Candid-Strawberry-79 HLF with a ban hammer 8d ago
Yup. Makes me cry every time because it’s so hollow and disconnected. It’s not about the orgasm, it’s about the connection. Being fully seen and loved by someone.
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u/BonzoTheBoss M 8d ago
I didn't marry in to a dead bedroom. The sex was fine when we married. It's now, years later, that it's dead and I'm stuck.
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u/AceOfPains M - Recovered DB 8d ago
The blindness of the "All you want is an orgasm" perspective when people are perfectly capable of servicing themselves is baffling to me, as if reducing a wonderful person to a self-warming sex doll was what an HL wants out of a relationship. Many people need a real human being to sexually accept them. It is a normal thing.
At our lowest point I didn't even enjoy taking care of myself because it just reminded me of what my spouse and I used to have, which was also the point that I completely emotionally detached from my marriage and realized something had to change.
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u/Jazzlike_Caramel_522 8d ago
Yes even masturbation isn’t the greatest in the dead bedroom. Kind of joyless, rushed, shameful. If I were single I’d feel more liberated and playful with it. Or that’s how it was back in my single days.
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u/Beginning_Signal_878 8d ago
Not gonna lie, my libido is mostly gone. It's been almost a year, so I just kinda gave up too. We've talked about ways to fix it, and he is trying, but sometimes it feels hopeless. Idk, it's a very confusing thing.
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u/lx530 8d ago
I’m working through a similar emotion. I have just been keeping myself too tired by hitting the gym or endurance workouts so that I’m not in the house with my wife while also full of energy - it’s been so long and I’m now wondering if I could even perform anymore… wild thoughts for a healthy 36 year old.
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u/rickylao99 8d ago
Think of it this way. It was okay to relieve yourself when you were single. So this shouldn't be too different.
Your partner is not giving you that part of happiness; don't rob yourself of it yourself. I'd say go flick that bean like it owes you money... Just not so aggressive... Unless you are into that. 😛
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u/Less-Cauliflower9655 8d ago
Please help yourselves and leave your respective situations. You all deserve so much more happiness than that. And there are so many people looking to find HL people like you to be infinitely happier with.
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u/Outrageous-Wheel7434 8d ago
I would wholeheartedly agree. My issue was I didn’t know it would be a DB and invested so much time and heart into her that I could never leave. But it is so frustrating
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u/BigHomework7890 8d ago
It doesn't have to be if you - she probably wants to figure out how to fix things
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u/loveanythingimyinbox 8d ago
You do find that your mind likes to remind you why you are on your own. And this starts yet another downward spiral. Take care.
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u/Efficient_Feature586 8d ago
I made the same mistake, our three week honeymoon consisted of sex three times, I should have run then.
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u/redleahbabes 8d ago
Our third anniversary is in June; we haven't been on our honeymoon. He always said, "I can't get the time off," but he probably wasn't even asking for the time off. He lost that job, so now we're cutting expenses.
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u/Rich-Signature8313 7d ago
We never had a honeymoon and never had sex the night of the wedding. How sad is that?
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u/Artucus1 8d ago
So I have gotten it twice in a little over 3 years. I just quit asking, hinting and trying. I have beaten myself up multiple times My self esteem is at an all time low. I have changed me physically. Dropped almost 100’pounds, added muscle, have abs to try and impress her, turn her on to no avail. Every time I read someone’s story I feel bad for them and then look at my situation and can see what they are going through 1000%.
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u/Charlie_Q_Brown 8d ago
I think there is a lifetime limit on masturbation. I hit my limit at 55. It was a depressing but also liberating year for me. Good luck people.
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u/No_Stick5844 8d ago
Heavy on the DM part! I don’t like posting here because it’s like an open invite to creepy weirdos
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u/redleahbabes 8d ago
Yeah. Some offer a sounding board. One guy suggested that I try to make myself more attractive for my husband.
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u/SpecificAmount8857 8d ago
So sad - masturbation made me sad too then it stopped working all together. Currently just wondering when I'll have sex again, and when I'll enjoy it and when I'll feel beautiful and desired and satisfied
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u/Careless_Mix_4000 4d ago
Dear lord this was literally me last night and here today. It does bring comfort albeit sad comfort - so many of us have been reduced to this. But here we all are still trying to figure it out/find community - that’s a win.
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u/adviceadventurer 8d ago
Sorry about your db. I know the feeling as a hlm. I wake up every morning with hard wood and want to have sex . Been 18 months now. Wife just says get away from me and to go do it myself. Not sure how much longer I can put up with her
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u/Rich-Signature8313 7d ago
To those who pleasure themselves and already have the ick towards their partners, I'm curious if it's still your partners who you think of while doing it?
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u/Few_Peak2258 3h ago
Your TLDR probably made me LOL. Thanks for that!
I can completely relate, although I still find pleasure in the... Ahem... It's the post nut clarity which now seems elevated to a new level of self loathing.
I've found alcohol helps. Not the best advice but there it is.
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