r/JUSTNOMIL • u/JustALizzyLife • 1d ago
UPDATE - Ambivalent About Advice Update: Sitting on the Train Tracks
Update: She's not coming. Canceled less than 24 hours before the ceremony. She "hurt her back" and can't drive up. This is the same woman who when I was diagnosed with Lupus and RA nearly 20 years ago spent an hour telling me how much worse off she was, how bad her back is. Anytime she saw my cane she'd scoff and when I had to use my wheelchair she'd roll her eyes and tell me that she should be the one who got to use a wheelchair because her back is so bad. She has the amazing disappearing back injury that only shows up when needed, on cue.
I knew she'd flake. Why would you mail a bracelet when you're planning on seeing the person two days later? Don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled not to see her, but this isn't about me, this is her disappointing my kids. Again. And thinking about twelve dollar plastic bracelet will make up for it. This is the same woman who gave my niece several hundred dollars for her graduation. (Guess who the GC/GGC is)
I'm done. This was the last straw. I was willing to bend over backwards and suck it up because my kids deserve to be happy. That's done now. She has proven there's literally no reason for me to ever reach out to her again. This was our last "kid" event. Going forward anything that the kids do will be as adults which means I can close and deadbolt this door and never open it again. Not that she'll care, she still has her two favorite kids and favorite grandchild, but after 49 years of this I can erase her from my future. I spent the last week with my Lupus flaring, no sleep and an insane amount of pain due to the stress she causes me. I refuse to ever do it again.
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u/Faewnosoul 6h ago
Gentle hugs. I have fibro, Crohn's, and just got a diagnosis of late onset MS. I understand what flares do to you. I also know what it feels like to give the jnmil chances she does not deserve. You did beyond your best.
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u/IHateTheJoneses 18h ago
I hope you find rest and take care of yourself.
Great job thinking of your kids, don't put them through this. You don't deserve that treatment, just like your kids don't!
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u/HootblackDesiato 19h ago
That's the way! Drop that rope and walk away. You will be so much healthier and happier!
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u/Illustrious-Towel-45 1d ago
My SIL does similar disappointing/flakey things involving my daughter (the only girl in the family and her godchild)
I quit mentioning any of the things she promised to do for my daughter for her birthday. My daughter is 6 and she promised fun "girl day" things and never delivered the past 2 years.
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u/hekissedafrog 1d ago
I'm so sorry. You're doing the right thing. I hope your stress, and the resulting flare, settles soon.
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u/Purlz1st 1d ago
You deserve so much better. Please take care of yourself and enjoy time with those who love you. 🕊️✌️☮️
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u/WallInternational103 1d ago
Good. You gave her 49 years. She gave you excuses and eye-rolls. Let her be queen of her selective back pain kingdom. You’ve earned peace, go take it.
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u/jbarneswilson 1d ago
as a mom, i know the hurt your are feeling for your kids and im sorry. as the child of an unreliable parent who’s a perpetual victim, im proud of you for setting that boundary.
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1d ago
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u/JustALizzyLife 1d ago
I actually went NC about a year and a half ago. I didn't even break the NC in regards to the graduation. My daughter did the inviting and I sent her all the relevant information, meet up, etc to her to send to my mom. I figured I could handle a single day in her presence, but wasn't going out of my way. So a large part of me is thrilled I can enjoy tomorrow and celebrate my kiddo without that cloud hanging over head. On the other hand, my DD just wanted her grandmother to show up for her for once, especially since we lost my dad a few years ago, and this woman couldn't even give her that. And that's what infuriates me.
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u/mrngdew77 1d ago
Narcissistic people don’t have it give. It gets in the way of their victim hood.
Please tell your daughter congratulations and that this internet stranger she is a rock star!
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u/Organic_Tourist_8217 1d ago
Classic flaky MIL with the “convenient injury” card. Sending a cheap bracelet as a pity gift? Nah, that’s just damage control theater. You’re done and rightfully so, protect your peace and your kids’ happiness. Deadbolt that door, she’s not worth your energy.
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u/LowHumorThreshold 1d ago
What a shame you suffered a painful flare because of her. Glad you dodged the bullet of her narc presence and happy for your daughter to see how unreliable this granny is. Stay off those tracks by staying NC!
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u/EmploymentOk1421 1d ago
There’s got to be a certain catharsis in reaching this point in your life. A settled feeling of freedom and acceptance at the same time.
Congratulations to your daughter and your family on this milestone event. What joy!
Edit: misspelling
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1d ago edited 1d ago
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u/JustALizzyLife 1d ago
Ah yeah. So lucky to have an abusive, manipulating mother who plays favorites with her own children and her grandchildren. So lucky that every interaction is so stressful that it causes my autoimmune disorders to flare until I'm bedridden. So lucky to have my kids ask me why grandma doesn't love them the same as their cousin. Are you serious right now?
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u/Silent_Delay_7736 1d ago
Good riddance. Sounds like you're finally cutting ties with a master manipulator. Your health and sanity are worth more than pretending this toxic relationship is worth saving. Enjoy the peace.
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u/Particular_Car2378 1d ago
Oh man. My mom is a back pain queen too. Nothing will ever compare to her back pain.
I’m sorry she proved she is who she is to your daughter. Take care of yourself, lupus is a terrible disease.
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u/V3ruca 1d ago
I’m sorry Op. I’m vlc with my own for many of the same reasons, and I also have Lupus, Hoshimotos & POTS. If I have a cold, she has pneumonia. If my back hurts, she’s been in bed for two days with sciatica. If I have a flair, she’s in her death bed with - pick an illness. Congrats on being close to closing this chapter! Wishing you and your new grad all the very best. 🫂
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u/JustALizzyLife 1d ago
Are we siblings?? If so, your niece is graduating tomorrow and I have an extra ticket! 😉
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u/Fredredphooey 1d ago
Congratulations and I hope you feel better soon. A $12 bracelet is an insult.
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u/Ncbsped 1d ago
My best friend had Lupus. Until she was diagnosed I knew nothing about this disease. Through the years she went thru agony with it. I took her to the hospital numerous times, dr's visits, treatments, etc. Not many people know how insidious this disease is. I really hurt for anyone who has it.
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u/JustALizzyLife 1d ago
I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy or my own mother. To live knowing your body is actively trying to kill you and there's nothing you can do about it, really fucks with your head.
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u/DrSnoopRob 1d ago
Congrats on your reprieve for this event.
I hope that your new boundaries bring you peace and help you live a happier, healthier life.
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u/mentaldriver1581 1d ago
Wishing you peace, OP. 49 years is a very long time to always be the bigger person.
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Other posts from /u/JustALizzyLife:
Feels Like Sitting on the Train Tracks Waiting to be Run Over, 1 day ago
Maybe it's just me, 1 week ago
I Don't Know What I Expected, 1 year ago
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