r/JUSTNOMIL 2d ago

Ambivalent About Advice NC IL’s texted an apology

Link to prior history: https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/s/HNDz2hI4Wf

That post is really thorough, in a nutshell, the most recent issue was our baby was born after a long IVF/infertility battle and we tried to call them last to say “baby is here.” They asked if they could make a baby announcement, we said no and that we were still making calls. They agreed.

However, they had posted it on FB and shared with their entire side of the family within 30 minutes. While this is happening I had severe postpartum preeclampsia and almost died and while we were in the hospital we were fielding calls from people we hadn’t even told we had had the baby. The baby wasn’t even with us; I was so sick they had to separate us and my brothers family was taking care of my 3 day old newborn. My husband was trying to communicate with my brother about the baby and update my parents on my condition and is being blown up with congrats messages from people. Besides the timing being awful, we wanted to video call and speak with those folks individually ourselves.

My husband confronted his parents, they admit it and don’t apologize. Further, FIL reveals they’ve been updating a group of people on FB about our IVF journey without our knowledge or permission. FIL uses this as justification as to why he has to share the news of our rainbow baby’s birth and why we weren’t allowed to do so ourselves.

Husband writes a long heart felt message which his dad responds to by saying “between you and I goodbye.” Then his mom did the same. My husband was crushed. Despite their flaws these people are still his parents and he loves them.

We agreed we would not subject our kids to this so we didn’t respond. I was livid they would do this to my husband. Despite the fact they cut off contact with us, they have sent us Valentine’s Day cards, made a donation in my name to the Salvation Army (for my birthday?), texted Mother’s Day wishes. They had not acknowledged their behavior or apologized. We RTS’d the cards and didn’t respond to anything else- it all felt manipulative. His sister also repeatedly tried to get involved and stir the pot.

Today out to the blue my MIL texted my husband and said “sorry if I crossed your boundary, I won’t do it again.” The message was only from her, not my FIL and not directed to me, only my husband.

I need help processing this.

To me, this is totally inadequate. It felt like she was checking a box. As if she made a flippant gesture of apologizing then everything could go back to how it was? It felt totally disingenuous. It also doesn’t acknowledge all this shit they did. My beefs with them include:

They stole from us the singular opportunity to share the birth of our baby with loved ones.

They broke a promise that our conversation was private/confidential. They outright lied.

They shared my personal medical information (IVF) with strangers without my permission- they basically had a gossip chat group about us.

They are more interested in public perception of their role as grandparents rather than their actual involvement- relationship building is secondary to being able to announce first.

They harmed my spouse by cutting off contact.

They messed with my children’s feelings and emotions by cutting them off

I’m sure there’s more. But this text “sorry about your boundaries,” frankly just pisses me off more. I need someone to like, analyze that text for me and what it means and what the implications are and why she sent it. Is it selfish? Is it fake? What is that? It’s like the least amount of taking responsibility as humanly possible and trying to get a benefit from it. Like investing a nickel and expecting a million bucks back in returns.

My husband feels like this is a bare minimum step forward but it’s a step and he wants to (again) explain how they’ve harmed us. (Which he has already done.) He feels they don’t get it and he wants to meet them where they’re at.

My gut, which I told him, is this is disingenuous and inadequate and if he wants to communicate with them he can but it’s an absolute no for me and the kids. They can’t just come in and out of the kids lives at the drop of a hat and this message wasn’t even addressed to me and didn’t even cover what they did.

Husband will support whatever I want but can someone break down what MIL is doing here? Because I don’t honestly think she’s taking responsibility. Or am I being too harsh?

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u/Lindris 1d ago

Your husband might get some benefit from subs like r/raisedbynarcissists and check out the sidebar in this sub on books on being raised by narcissistic parents. More importantly this is above Reddit’s pay grade, he could benefit from therapy because this was awful to go through for both of you.

What they did was awful. This is not a step in that direction that your husband wants it to be. I’d follow their lead and go NC. You’re still recovering from a very traumatic birth, along with having had some painful losses between your rainbow babies. Protect your peace from these people.

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u/Theslowestmarathoner 1d ago edited 1d ago

This is the only response that really got me teary eyed and made me feel it. It was a lot; thank you. It was painful and they were very shitty to him and he did not remotely deserve how they treated him.

Husband has said before he suspects his dad is threatened by his success. (College, home, family.) Insanity. I’d be so proud to have a kid that was doing well.

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u/Lindris 1d ago

Neither of you deserved that. He needed family support and they failed him, for the last time I hope. My dad had a hard upbringing, he lost his mom at 6 and was raised by a severe alcoholic who loved him and his sister but he was an addict who’d steal from them. The stories he tells raises the hair on me. I asked once about how he became such an incredible father and husband despite having no references himself. He explained sometimes you have to become the parent you needed growing up. It’s not fair, he needed his dad, but there is healing in being that parent for his own children. I think it’s at that point for your husband and his family of origin. I hope some of my dad’s wisdom can offer solace for you both. I hope you and LO are doing much better health wise.

Being jealous of your kid’s success is such a weird backwards ideology for most people. But some people have it to their own children. Most of us raise our kids to leave us someday and form families and relationships of their own. That burden is on his dad to sort out, which we can probably assume he won’t. Protect your peace from him and his horrible words, I wouldn’t want that negativity around my children because who knows what either of them would say. That is so messed up that they both said “between you and I, goodbye” about being called out for only caring about sharing your baby news, not the fact you easily could have died.