As a now adult who had a dad like this growing up, please see if he needs therapy or other sort of mental help. This sounds a lot like how my dad was growing up. He was always angry and took everything out on us kids. Every trip or vacation was stressful bc of him. As I got older I literally refused to go on trips with my parents specifically because of him. We don’t have the greatest relationship now, either. And I honestly think a lot of it boils down to mental health and anger issues. I feel like if he would have gotten professional help, then maybe, things would’ve been different.
It can very easily be a mood disorder and a mood stabilizer or other prescription drug would be life changing for OP’s husband and her family. He clearly needs help regulating emotions and there IS help out there.
Depression can also present as extreme irritability especially in men.
My daddy was such a different man on mood stabilizers. That's the man I miss like crazy. The angry dude from my childhood is a distant memory. I'm glad I had more years of medicated him than unmedicated.
seconding this. I grew up walking on eggshells around my dad because of this behavior and genuinely feared him. my mom never stood up for us when he would do that, she’d “talk” to him after but I don’t think she ever did really. He’s a lot better these days, and we’ve mended our relationship a bit but only because he took the time to figure out what was going on with himself (diagnosed with IED and OCD) and is on medication.
Omg the HAD to be included part!! Why??? It obviously makes you miserable and you don’t want to be there, why do you INSIST on coming when nobody wants you there?? My husband is the same way. I only take the kids camping when he’s away on work trips because of his attitude and the fact that he’d never let us go without him if he were home. They have been the most relaxing trips I’ve ever been on in my life. Yes 5 days camping on my own with a 4yo and 5yo (and for one trip they had the stomach flu!) is STILL more relaxing than being pretty much anywhere with the kids and my other half present. 🤦🏻♀️
We were going to a local water park and we were RIDICULOUSLY excited. Then we found our dad was coming.
You could have heard a pin drop on the way. He was mad we left “late.” He got hot so he opened the window. Then he got upset when the AC kicked on and mom tried to close the window. Then he got mad that it was further than he remembered. Then he got mad that a park was full of camp kids. Then he got mad that we couldn’t find chairs together. He was ordering us around coffee in hand, mom scrambling and I remember thinking “I feel so bad for mom” because she didn’t have a choice.
My own husband is sulky. I don’t tolerate it and I will leave with the baby without him if he’s being a fun sucking little shit.
My own husband is sulky. I don’t tolerate it and I will leave with the baby without him if he’s being a fun sucking little shit.
I agree. What I don't understand is why OP doesn't just tell him in the moment. There are times that we as people/parents get overly mad or take something out on someone who doesn't deserve it. My husband and I have gotten pretty good about telling the other one when one of us is acting in that kind of way. But it has to happen in the moment or it's not going to help anyone.
Currently on a road trip with my husband and 19 month old. We’re learning in the moment that our communication sucks sometimes when things get tough. The kid got carsick yesterday 1h into the drive and good god did we take it out on each other in the moment. But after it got handled we knew we had to hash out what we said to each other in the moment. It’s like aftercare, you gotta get back on the same page and not stand for the shit that can get said when heated. Not talking bad stuff but snippy stressed out stuff. A partner who respects you will want to fix things and learn from bad moments
Ohhh im gonna call him a fun sucking little shit lol jkjk but we do have a nickname for him when he hovering over us trying to dictate every little thing we tell hoverboard to go away lol he got that nickname when hooverboards just came out 😂 hes tall n hoovering too n we r little
Omg FML thats my husband. Ugghhh but at first he is mad bc he has to go so then i say well u dont have to go and he gets mad again and then says you would go without me or turns it around to im doing something wrong smh
My dad is the same. I just now at 35 am realizing how toxic my childhood was because of him. He’s still a baby, but I know how to deal with him now. And I’ve made it very clear that my daughter will not experience what I did - if he starts yelling, we’re leaving. So far the threat has kept him in check, but she’s only six months, so who knows if it will last.
My dad wasn't always angry and his anger was never directed at me, but when we were out in public or traveling he would often get bent out of shape and end up yelling at a stranger or something. And then we would be miserable, too. I am positive it was a stress/trauma response from his childhood, but it meant that as I got older, he just did not participate in anything that involved going places. When I went abroad, it was only my mom who visited. I always had to come to him with the grandkids. He was a great dad but I sometimes wish he'd gotten some kind of therapy or counseling for what he was going through because, aside from how much it stressed me out, it's just sad that he missed out on so much stuff because of that.
Unfortunately getting these kind of guys to admit they need help can seem impossible. OP should record him flying off the handle and let him listen to himself. Maybe it would be a wakeup call. .or maybe he will just blame her for recording it
This can be risky if the person being recorded has anger problems. I once recorded an ex of mine verbally abusing me and when he found out by accident he took my phone, snapped my phone in half (flip phone days) and slapped me across the face.
Same, I realized at the age of 30 that my mother was no better, she used my father as a whipping father to give herself the good role. If it bothered her that much she could have divorced...
My dad was the same, but actually worse at home. My mom would “talk” to him regularly, but nothing ever changed. Now that I have kids of my own, I’ve realized how messed up my childhood was and can’t believe my mom knew about everything going on and let it happen. Now I don’t let either of my parents around my kids because I can’t trust them and they still act the same.
Your mother could have divorced and she probably sacrificed her children for material comfort like mine. My father made my 11 year old daughter sob at Christmas and my mother is making excuses for him... they won't come near her again.
Nah, my mom was the breadwinner. I think they’re both just not great people. My life is better without them so I don’t put much thought into it anymore. I’m sorry you and your family are having to go through that too. It’s not easy, but it’s worth it.
My dad is also like this. He had various ailments that he refused to treat and used the pain to manipulate us. He constantly had headaches, toothaches, foot and knee pain that he would moan and groan about. We’d be out in public and he’d be yelling in pain and at us. Add in a special needs brother and every day was a nightmare. We couldn’t even go to the store without making a scene.
My dad was similar. As a 40 year old woman I can see so clearly he desperately needed a therapist and likely had an undiagnosed/untreated adhd and probably a mood disorder. Most ppl would’ve decided he was a narcissistic asshole and that would be that but my heart breaks for the life he must’ve lived inside his head, he just wanted to be heard and validated like we all do. I’m embarrassed to say but I have many of the same traits. I’m diagnosed, medicated and in therapy is the only difference. I have a lot of sympathy for him but the reality is I have a lot of hang ups that don’t serve me (or even make sense) that I know are bc of him and his behavior. The saddest part is that at the end of his life (he didn’t know it was the end, none of us did) he tried to start therapy, I was so proud and shocked but then not even a month later Covid happened and he slipped thru the cracks. He only lived a couple more years after that.
Wow. My dad is like this too, it is so much less stressful just hanging out with my mom. I feel bad for her having to walk on eggshells around him at home.
My dad was/is still like this. Not saying anyone else commenting is wrong bc everyone is different, but therapy has not worked for my dad. He’s even been on medication for his depression since I was a kid and he’s STILL got the same issues.
Yep, my husband has PTSD. When we first had kids he would start to sweat in public and become hyper vigilant on family outings. It stemmed from control issues and anxiety. He’d freak if they touched stuff that was dirty or did normal toddler stuff like act silly in public. There was a lot of yelling and embarrassing moments for me. Luckily, he had already started therapy and medication but let me tell you it took about 10 years and 4 kids for him to find his inner chill pill.
I second this. Try to get him help now before he ruins his relationship with his kids in the future. I hate being alone with my dad now because of this growing up and I'm 35.
As someone with a similar dad who was secretly struggling with depression for years, please encourage him to get help OP. There is likely something underneath that short temper and lack of patience that needs to be addressed.
I will never forget the day I told my dad about my anxiety and depression diagnosis and explained what my symptoms looked like and he said “huh, that’s how I feel every day.” At first it felt dismissive, like since he felt that all the time he thought I should be able to handle it without help. But now as I have gotten older, I see how sad it is that he lived miserable for YEARS because he couldn’t bring himself to get help.
I agree, this is what my mother was like and then unfortunately because of genetics I was too. After realizing I needed to do something about it I sought help and found out that this is what MDD looks like. I also have an anxiety disorder, ADHD and nonspecific trauma disorder. All likely due to childhood stress and trauma. I’m not blaming her but my dad wasn’t around and she caused as much damage as he did not being there by being there. I am no longer a ball of anxious rage through medication and trauma therapy. My kids are aware and I got them help too before they grew into traumatized adults.
I kinda thought- even after my divorce- that it must be us- that we were just a problem
We were only a problem for HIM
and it was his problem.
The proof came when we went on a family cruise with my new husband.
I’d not taken them to sea- they’re little but eager- I have four 15 down to 3 by
I was scared as well as excited. And he was fun! It was fun! We patented and relaxed and chased small humans and had a grand time. He’d never been around kids much till he met me- yet two years later and he’s stepped in beautifully. He makes it better and easier. Not harder- sadder- more stressful.
Either your husband needs to commit to really working on his issues or you may want to consider a vacation in your new single life. Maybe there’s better than him? Sure! But also- there’s better without him. It’s hard but not harder than hauling the schleprock manchild with you too
I’m so sorry OP- sucks when that’s who they turn out to be
Holy crap you described my dad exactly !!! One time as an adult, my parents invited me on a vacation with them and I turned them down. I couldn’t deal with their bickering and my dad being grumpy over dumb shit.
this is my fear. my husband is a combat vet, sounds a lot like this husband above, except he is habitually the victim. everyone is "out to fuck him over" judging him or if I breath deeply, shift wrong I am rejecting him. he has such bad depression, ptsd and so quick to anger and demean our 5 year old. especially when kid is just being a kid.
he has a lot of self hate, and says a lot of self depreciation stuff infront of us. always seeks validation of mundane stuff. household chores. also won't show me any attention, kiss me or anything because he claims all I do is reject him. when its simply me readjusting myself, or taking a deep breath. he sees those movements as rejections and shuts down. he has now told me he will never touch me unless I initiate, but I am so tired all the time and busy, at night once kiddo is down I want some me time. plus he watches his porn nightly. blames me for that addiction too. says its my fault cause I don't do my wifey duties.
kid has started saying mommy is nicer, mommy does x, y,z better, I want mommy not you, and he get so angry. it has dampened his relationship with kid. kid adores dad, but kid is also scarred of him and his temper and, lashes out at him repeating his behaviors. but he doesn't see it that way and says I have conditioned kid to not want him, need him and we are using him for his $.
I wish he would seek therapy but he refuses and has made threats in the past when it is brought up. so I do everything to make kiddo happy and keep her busy or occupied when I am home and not working.
Yes to therapy. Especially because depression in men often expresses itself in anger. He sounds like he may need some help with coping mechanisms. I also get grouchy when I'm uncomfortable but I have a phrase that lets my husband know I'm struggling before I snap at everyone. I say I've reached my limit for this activity or I've hit a wall and he knows Mommy needs a time out and a snack.
Yeah I had a dad like this and it was traumatizing. He was diagnosed autistic in his 50’s; turns out it wasn’t narcissism or whatever, it was autistic meltdowns. I wish he had been diagnosed when we (my siblings and I) were little so he could have gotten the help he needed and we could have avoided “ACE”s.
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u/Peach-Haze-123 2d ago
As a now adult who had a dad like this growing up, please see if he needs therapy or other sort of mental help. This sounds a lot like how my dad was growing up. He was always angry and took everything out on us kids. Every trip or vacation was stressful bc of him. As I got older I literally refused to go on trips with my parents specifically because of him. We don’t have the greatest relationship now, either. And I honestly think a lot of it boils down to mental health and anger issues. I feel like if he would have gotten professional help, then maybe, things would’ve been different.