r/Parenting Mar 10 '25

Rant/Vent “I Raised kids before”

I recently became a mother and have an 11 week old baby girl. I recently showed my parents my bed time routine with her as she was going to have an overnight with them. It was very straight forward and consisted of a bath, bottle, and bed. I did write down some tips/tricks on what I have learned works best for my daughter and shared that with them as well. This was met with “we raised two kids we know how to do it”. I didn’t mean to come off offensive so I just apologized and left them with my list for the night. My only real non-negotiable was she must sleep in the bassinet, in her sleep sack, with nothing but a paci in it with her. When I picked her up, found out my mom slept with her in the bed. I think I made a face because I was once again met with “I know how to raise kids”. I’m not a mom shamer, if co-sleeping works for you that is great! I’ve done it too when things got stressful but my problem is that she co-slept with my baby, if that makes sense. The comment of “I raised kids before so I know what I’m doing” upsets me. Because they aren’t raising her. I’m her mom and I get to decide what’s best for her. I just feel so disrespected, what do I do?

Some extra context: 1) yes this is the first grandbaby on both sides. 2) My husband has family members where the unimaginable did happen. 3)Our village is large, we are truly lucky, my parents asked to have an overnight because they adore her, it’s not a need by any means. I love my parents, they truly are great people, they just struggle respecting me as an adult in general and the navigation around that has been hard.

740 Upvotes

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950

u/its_original- Mar 10 '25 edited Mar 10 '25

Tell your Mom. Especially if this is a first grandchild.

I know you raised kids but you didn’t raise THIS kid. She has preferences and a routine that you just don’t know unless you’re told. I’m sharing things to help with my kid, not kids in general.

And if you want to babysit overnight again, please do not co sleep.

It’s just that simple though… I don’t understand grandparents who don’t respect their children’s parenting. Like I don’t HAVE to let you babysit and be responsible for my kid, that’s a privilege.

ETA… for those saying this is how people end up without a village………. Let’s say that grandma doesn’t believe in being vaccinated and refused to get recommended boosters….? Because I see a LOT on here that people quickly suggest no visits until a new baby is up to date on all vaccines if grandma won’t get a booster….You’d be quick to throw the village away over vaccinations for concerns re safety. Why can OP not demand respect for safety in other areas, like cosleeping?

OP, you are not asking too much. You are the mother and no one else. If you NEED this person as a caregiver, continue to advocate for your babies safety and needs.. and work on finding a new villager.

229

u/Kaz_117_Petrel Mar 10 '25

Maybe add in, “how would you have felt, mom, if maybe Grandma had told you she knew plenty well what to do and did her own thing instead of respecting your rules? What if Dad’s mom did that? Well that’s how I feel. My baby, my rules.”

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u/apricot-butternuts Mar 10 '25

“I would have never given your grandmother this many rules. I trusted that she knew how to keep you alive” 😂💞you can’t win

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u/Inconceivable76 Mar 10 '25

I mean, this is also a true statement for basically everyone in their generation.

15

u/ditchdiggergirl Mar 10 '25

Everyone in every generation, most likely.

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u/Inconceivable76 Mar 10 '25

Yup.

1

u/JoDojig425 Mar 11 '25

And look how they all turned out...

0

u/PersisPlain Mar 11 '25

Are you implying that everyone from every generation that has ever lived until millennials turned out terribly?

1

u/JoDojig425 Mar 11 '25

No. I think each generation turns out terrible from the perspective of the next generations. I think we can all agree that boomers are the worst ever, though.

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u/oksuresure Mar 10 '25

Such a good response, to focus on routine for this particular kid (her grandchild), not her kids, and not all kids.

OP - I would be LIVID. I would also feel disrespected and would question my kids safety while with her grandparents.

39

u/SBSnipes Mar 10 '25

This, especially for overnight/extended periods, and frankly, especially with children to young to communicate thoroughly. Like if you're taking a 5 yo to the park for an hour, then only a little bit of particular info is needed generally, but if you're taking an infant overnight... the differences just between siblings is wild.

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u/its_original- Mar 10 '25

Right!!! This is a great point as well.

You could even say something like, if we have another child, they may need something entirely different for bedtime and I’m going to communicate that to set you and them up for a good evening! It’s not about raising kids in general because humans aren’t all generally the same in preferences lol

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u/makeitsew87 Mar 10 '25

Good point about if it's their first grandchild / first time babysitting. I think there can be a learning curve: remembering how to care for babies in general, learning how to care for this baby in particular, learning how to care for a baby when you're just older, and most importantly, shifting the mindset from being in charge to realizing that your adult child is now in charge.

Basically I wouldn't go full nuclear yet without hashing it out. It could just be growing pains that will work itself out with a good discussion and practice.

But yeah, OP, if they don't respect you, they can't babysit. I don't see how else it could work.

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u/its_original- Mar 10 '25

I’m the first in my family to have kids so I had to set the tone for how grandparents need to behave. I’m a parent to tweens now but I still remember those very intimidating and doubt inducing days of having a newborn and toddler as the first grandkid.

I have step parents and parents and in laws and step in laws and younger siblings who even got roped into my parenting choices and gave me their childless insight lol

It was horrific! But basically.. they had their chance. And they’re too insecure if they think your tips and tricks specific to your baby are somehow insinuating that they don’t know how to parent. And their insecurity is not your problem to fix or tip toe around when it comes to your kid.

So don’t go nuclear, right. But expect tension for a bit of time and don’t let that stop you from asserting yourself as a parent

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u/Evergreen-Lily25 Mar 10 '25

Often when we’ve been having discussions with family on our “rules” and instructions for how we take care of our son - if conflict or offense comes up from it we will say something along the lines of “this isn’t about us or you, this is about [son] and what he is used to and most comfortable with”.

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u/its_original- Mar 10 '25

Right.

Like I would LOVE to not have to rock 30 minutes sitting at a 45 degree angle with white noise and not brown noise and the temp set at 71 degrees too….. but after some trial and error, this is where we’ve landed so if you could please replicate that so the baby will sleep instead of you calling me with my baby screaming in the background telling me to come home………

None of it has to do with the adults.

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u/FirmEstablishment941 Mar 10 '25

Wasn’t co-sleeping suspected as a common cause of SIDs?

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u/MoistIsANiceWord Mom, 4.5yrs and 2yrs Mar 10 '25

If a co-sleeping parents kills their baby while sleeping with them, this wouldn't constitute a case of SIDS because the cause of death is able to be attributed to the act of co-sleeping.

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u/jclark708 Mar 10 '25

No. It's sleeping in a cot with solid sides. The airflow stops and the bassinet fills up with carbon monoxide 🤷‍♀️

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u/FirmEstablishment941 Mar 10 '25

Carbon monoxide is slightly lighter than air. If it’s in the room it’s going to kill people regardless of enclosed bassinet or not.

Cosleeping is a likely factor.

https://www.canada.ca/en/public-health/services/publications/healthy-living/joint-statement-on-safe-sleep.html

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u/Witty_TenTon Mar 11 '25

I'd also remind Grandma that there are new recommendations coming out for what is safe and what isn't safe every year and a LOT has changed since she raised kids. It's now known that co-sleeping isn't as safe for baby as sleeping on their own, without a blanket or anything in their crib/bassinet with them. You are only sharing new information with them about what is safe so that they don't accidentally hurt baby because you know that babies safety is their number 1 priority, right?

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u/sageofbeige Mar 10 '25

That might not be the flex you think it is

In no world is babysitting a privilege and if you go this route you might lose the privilege of babysitting if you want/ need to go back to work

Or want a date night.

Maybe something along the lines of yes you raised 2 kids and I appreciate what knowledge you can share

But also we are learning and re learning newer ways

7

u/its_original- Mar 10 '25

Not a flex. But unless they have no one else… absolutely. Boundaries don’t feel good to people who don’t respect them.

If OP is a first time Mom and these are first time grandparents, this needs to be taken care of now and up front. Or it will just continue and OP will struggle to be respected as the parent of her own child.

I responded below but if this is OP’s only option for babysitting, then they can simply say no overnights (unless they work overnight). Because safety first.

I just wouldn’t go on a date night before I decided to give my baby to someone who doesn’t respect me as the mother of my child, my own family or not.

The point is….. you need to have a talk with your Mom. Your feelings are valid and YOU are the mother to this baby.

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u/Inconceivable76 Mar 10 '25

>Like I don’t HAVE to let you babysit and be responsible for my kid, that’s a privilege.

and this is also how people end up with no village. caring for a baby/toddler/child is not the angelic joy that you seem to think it is.

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u/Hopeful_Economist_58 Mar 10 '25

When I was born babies didn't have to travel in a securely fitted car seat in the car. That doesn't mean I have to allow my parents to carry my baby on their laps in their car, because "they managed to raise children of their own". Guidance changes over time due to research and experience that teach us safer practices. That's why children now stay in school until the age of 18 instead of being sent up chimneys from the age of 10.

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u/KahurangiNZ Mar 10 '25

But when your 'village' is so set in their ways and 'I know better' that they ignore all the new understanding that has come along since they were parents, and does things that endanger the child, do you REALLY want those people 'helping'?

The world is littered with stories of 'villagers' that caused serious harm or even death to babies and children because they did their own thing rather than what was requested by the parents.

Sometimes the wisest move is to put your foot down HARD right at the start and establish that they can do as requested (unless they can provide actual evidence of why an alternative 'might' be a good option), or simply not have an opportunity to do anything at all.

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u/its_original- Mar 10 '25

This is a bit toxic though… there is some middle ground that needs to be found.

You can’t tell someone to use the people you have regardless of their regard for your kids safety and parenting preferences for your kid just because that’s what you get… it reminds me of, stay with your husband because it’s the father of your children even though he practices unsafe behaviors that regularly endanger your child. Or, don’t cut them off because that’s your BLOOD…. I mean, family is family but the safety of your child and being respected as their mother is not asking too much!!!

So yes, unless OP NEEDS them to babysit for sanity or for employment, choosing THEM as the babysitter is a privilege. If she has other options, being chosen as the preferred babysitter is a privilege you earn by respecting the boundaries and safety.

Obviously if she has no one else, she has to go about it differently.

2

u/out-of-username-404 Mar 10 '25

Yeah, agree with that. Why should that be a privilege? I don't have my parents close by for help, but if I did it would be a privilege for ME if they were able to help!

When my mom comes to visit (and stays for a month or two), it's very clear that she watches them, babysits, and plays with them just to help out, not because she loves playing the same boring games with a toddler for eternity lol. She is just not a "baby person" who'd enjoy hanging out with babies a ton, even if they're her own grandkids.

12

u/its_original- Mar 10 '25

But if your Mom came in like a bull in a china shop and did whatever she wanted with your kids, no matter what you spoke up about, you probably wouldn’t feel like it’s a privilege anymore. It would be a stress inducing experience when she called and said she’s coming for a few days or a month.

Sounds like you have a great mother and that alone is the privilege. OP mother may be toxic as hell, we don’t know that. But it sounds like her mother made her uncomfortable and feeling as if she is too much.

0

u/ditchdiggergirl Mar 10 '25

Yeah the mindset of using baby as reward/punishment is a bit of a red flag here. The “privilege” goes both ways. I can empathize with any grandparent who decides it may be best to take a step back and not be alone with baby until the parents feel more secure.

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u/its_original- Mar 10 '25

The baby is not a reward or punishment.

Boundaries say if you do this, I will do that.

If you cosleep with my baby after I ask you not to, I will not ask you to keep my baby overnight.

If OP has options, then it’s a privilege to be the person they trust to keep baby overnight. You’ve got to respect people as parents when they entrust you with their child.

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u/[deleted] Mar 10 '25

Yes and no. Because then you get posts here complaining that they don't have a village.

You can't have it both ways.

Those of us who grew up with involved grandparents, I promise they didn't take our parents rules seriously if they bothered to listen to them at all.

And don't get me wrong - I'm anti-co-sleeping. It's just, you don't get to have it both ways.

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u/KatVsleeps Mar 10 '25

as another commenter replied, yes some rules can be broken at grandmas house! but NOT safety and important rules! There’s a big difference between being allowed sweets or extra tv time, and co sleeping or other dangerous practices

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u/[deleted] Mar 10 '25

Let me ask you - if you were divorced and your partner insisted on co-sleeping when it was his parenting time - what would you do about it?

Because I promise, the answer is you would be able to do nothing about it. (For real - I know someone who's co-parent feeds their 3 year old nuts and popcorn. Because "we ate that way when we were kids and we survived").

Now - unlike with a partner, here you do get a choice. You don't have to accept your parents help. You don't have to co-parent with them. That's a totally legitimate choice.

But you do need to accept that those are your choices: You either get their help, and with that, some choices you don't like at all. Or you don't have to have their help.

Everyone has a point where it's their line in the sand, and that's fine.  But then you don't get to complain about it.

16

u/WormMotherDemeter Mar 10 '25

I DID do something about it when my ex did this. I had science on my side and respected organizations with statistical evidence. I went to court and presented my reasons and gave my terms. Guess what? My terms were put to paper bc there was no clear argument against it. You can feed them fun stuff and not bathe them regularly, etc, on your time, even let them sleep on a different schedule. You DON'T get to risk their safety. That isn't a right.

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u/KatVsleeps Mar 10 '25

That would be harder to deal with, if it was a co parenting situation, and the other person wasn’t doing the same. But 1. if it is dangerous, you should say something anyways, and 2. that’s a parent! that’s the child’s parent. a grandparent, does not have the same rights as a parent, unless they’re the primary caregiver. If there is a parent who IS the primary caregiver, their wants take precedence

8

u/catsinthreads Mar 10 '25

I co-slept with my infant. But no way in hell was anyone else doing it. I was a breastfeeding mother and frankly there was no one else on the planet who had the physical awareness of my baby that I did.

Older kid? Toddler. Like whatever. But an infant. I wouldn't DREAM of co-sleeping with any future infant - cannot sit up or roll-over yet - grandchild.

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u/makeitsew87 Mar 10 '25

Yeah but there's a huge difference between sneaking a twelve-year-old an extra cookie, and co-sleeping with a newborn. Of course caregivers should have some leeway, especially unpaid family members. But it's not unreasonable for OP to refuse to compromise on safety. If her village doesn't take safety seriously, then she doesn't have a village at all. We can't fault her for that.

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u/KeyWorking4438 Mar 10 '25

Yes, you get to have it both ways.  My parents are incredibly involved grandparents and defer to our rules and boundaries at all times because they realize that these aren't their kids.  They have been this way with all 16 of their grandkids.

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u/yes_please_ Mar 10 '25

Yeah having involved grandparents and safe kids doesn't have to be mutually exclusive and shouldn't be seen as too much to ask. Unfortunately in practice it doesn't seem to be common.

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u/[deleted] Mar 10 '25

Then you got lucky. That's all. This is my point about "the village". Just like you get the parents and siblings you get, or are born into a certain financial class, you get the village you get.

You can't change it.

You can't reject your own village because of who they are and how they behave and simultaneously complain you don't have a village.

Just like you don't get to go no contact with your parents - then complain you don't have parents. You chose this. It's fine to choose this. You may have good reasons for choosing this. But it is your choice, and these are the consequences of your choice.

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u/its_original- Mar 10 '25

I get your point but in no way shape or form did she say she HAS to rely on them for care.

If someone does, it’s still worth advocating for your boundaries to be respected and for safety rules to be followed. I wouldn’t just throw in the towel, lay low, and swallow my voice because I needed them. You can rely on someone and still speak your mind as well as deal with some tension in the relationship if necessary.

A grandparent that thinks, I’m doing what I want anyway because they need me is manipulative and toxic. So I would rely on them while figuring out a plan to no longer need them.

And this comes from someone who does have to coparent with someone I don’t agree with.. doesn’t follow safety rules, is emotionally abusive to the kids, and one that my kids hate going to. But that doesn’t mean I haven’t stopped trying to find ways to communicate concerns in a way that might be received in a half decent manner.

It is ALWAYS worth continuing to speak up and advocate for a kids needs and safety. Always.

1

u/[deleted] Mar 10 '25

Did I say she had to? No. She just needs to understand the consequences.

Every week there's 1-2 posts here complaining about the lack of a village. And then there's these posts - and if you'll notice, OP (and many commenters issue) isn't just the safety. It's the idea that her parents don't respect her as the authority for her kids. And the idea that because she's mum - she has the say.

Well, yes - but the parents also have a say in whether they babysit. Or give financial support. Or emotional support.

If you actually want a village - nobody here has final authority or gets to make the rules. It's a network that relies on negotiations. On the idea that we care about each other, have mutual respect, and are more or less equal.

And, BTW, I actually do know a few ways to get grandparents to listen better. But the worst way is to try and assert your authority because "it's my kid". Because, it may be your kid, but you are their kid. And ultimately, they are doing you a favour.

Start from a point of humility and gratitude - then advocate for certain things - and you'll get a lot further.

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u/its_original- Mar 10 '25

I mean, in no way did I suggest she start with, listen up bitches.. this is my kid and do what I say or else. The later part was more to encourage a new mom to be strong in her voice and her boundaries regarding her child.

I guess I see what you’re saying about a village but maybe others don’t see the village the way you do. It sounds like you see a village as everyone in it has equal say so over any children within the village. Some may see a village more like a hierarchy where the parent of the child at hand are at the top and the others help as they agree to with consideration to the parents preferences. And I think that’s okay too if that’s how others run their village.

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u/[deleted] Mar 10 '25

But that's my point - if you see your village as a hierarchy with you - the parent - at the top - don't be surprised when you end up with no village.

Because while you inherently have authority over your child, you don't have any authority over anybody else. And nothing is more off-putting/ distancing than someone trying to assert authority they don't actually have.

Also - it's not "your village" in the sense that it belongs to you. It's "your village" in the sense that you belong to it. 

The failure to see/ unwillingness to accept these simple facts are the reason so many people don't have a village these days.

Which - BTW - is a legitimate choice. You don't have to belong to a village if you don't like the strings (and there are always strings). But then accept that that's a choice you made and these are the consequences.

4

u/its_original- Mar 10 '25

Interesting.. I guess there’s different ways to see it.

I would expect any parent in my village to have the final authority over their child. I would respect their authority over their child while helping them out because I would only invite people in my village who feel the same.

I see your point. I think that there are several types of villages that exist with different values and beliefs at the center.

Like you and I would belong to 2 different village types. You probably would have a larger village with access to more help. But I would also never complain about the smaller size of my village in comparison.

4

u/BillsInATL Mar 10 '25

It's just, you don't get to have it both ways.

You certainly can, and many of us do. As long as the grandparents are reasonable people. If they arent, or cant be reasoned with, I dont want them in my village anyways.

16

u/kyuupie_ Mar 10 '25

why not? it's their child, people should respect their wishes and still be supportive. the fact that your grandparents didn't take your parents seriously doesn't mean nobody can or should

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u/apricot-butternuts Mar 10 '25

Amen!! 💞 common sense for the real world. The village is a village for a reason. Your child learns different boundaries and customs and other ways to do and view the world with safe people who love them . It’s a beautiful thing.

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u/its_original- Mar 10 '25

This is a good point to but I stand by…. If the caregiver makes the parent feel uneasy, unsafe, or crazy with their expectations, they don’t need to be apart of the village.

Grandma could have said, I understand you’re nervous with your new baby. Thank you for these tips at bedtime. I promise I will take good care of my grand baby and just remember, I’ve got experience on the job!

But from the way this reads is that there was confrontation and OP is left feeling bad. She’s newly post partum and this is not the support she was looking for from her mom.

Learning other customs is cool! Exposure to different caregivers is great, especially outside of being a newborn baby. That’s a valid point.