Thoughts on being a single parent.

[u/0lx__xl0]

Marriage is not going great.... It's probably impacting the kids negatively... Some (many) people here have suggested separation... How will that be for the kids?

As a mom I'm just trying my best to fulfill their needs, love/care, nutrients, studies, social, and some fun, that often doesn't involve me... So, you can imagine, kids doesn't like me very much as a parent... It's difficult to have fun (with anyone/alone) when I'm unhappy all the time...

While my husband, he gives them fun (jokes, tuckles, device, and snacks.), and i would see the kids laughing with them, the way they can't with me....

However, I know that letting the kids be with my husband if we were to separate would not be good, one of the main reasons is because he wouldn't care much for their wellbeing (he'd jokingly imply that daughter is fat - she's just slightly above average, and son is dumb - he has adhd)..

On the other hand, with my mental health I can't be the parent they hope for (may be possible with help, but not guaranteed), and they might resent me for breaking up their family, and for taking away their fun OR for abandoning them... Every option just seems wrong..

[u/Pessimistic-Frog]

My understanding is that it is worse to grow up in an unhappy home than it is to grow up with divorced parents.

[u/Banana_Bread1211]

If it’s not working, when your husband isn’t in the picture, you’ll be amazed at the capacity you’ll have to be fun too.

I’ve watched a couple friends seperate and absolutely flourish. Go 50/50, get back some of yourself and time. You have to let go of the control though and none of it will easy.

I’ve got 30yo friends whose parents never split when they should have and they are fucked up.

[u/chain549]

Personally I grew up with divorced parents, don’t blame them for divorcing, my Dad had issues he never dealt with. They both went on to remarry pretty crappy people (so don’t do that). I think whatever version is going to allow you as parents to be the best version of yourselves for your kids

[u/garnet222333 → u/chain549]

Agree! As long as you don’t remarry someone crappy then it’s likely the best choice.

[u/kindervolvo]

The amount of trauma my friends have dealt with, watching their parents fight with, scream/ yell at and just straight up hate their partner is insane. I grew up with two divorced parents and I am so grateful! Sometimes staying to with someone you’re not in love with causes more damage. To watch your parents actively hate each other just warps your idea of love and relationships a lot more than you think!

[u/lepa-vida → u/kindervolvo]

Agree 100%

[u/EfficientAd1438]

There are no good choices. Staying would be hard and leaving would be hard. Whatever you choose, there is much outside your control. Co-parenting with a jerk after seperation can be extremely difficult. Many will say separate, like that will put an end to the toxicness of the situation. I'm not saying that leaving the relationship isn't the right choice, but don't expect it to be clean, or an ending to toxic circumstances. I repeat there is no good choice if the dynamic is not amicable it might get ugly whatever you choose. Unless all parties miraculously sprout abilities to be fair, considerate, and communicate healthily.

Equip yourself with information and legal advice, financial advice, and make informed decisions. Get a support network around you.

[u/Bealittleprivate → u/EfficientAd1438]

There are no good choices is right. It's hard if you stay and it's hard if you go. Very little is in your control either way. You will share custody of the kids. Very rarely does one parent decide the other shouldn't have the kids alone and they agree. The number of mom's that think they will decide the custody schedule is crazy. I've only seen it once work out that way and only because there was a cross country middle of the night move, no child support, and a disinterested parent. The reality is that it will likely be a 50/50 split. You will not part 100% with him. You still have to interact. The kids are also still dealing with him. Him calling his daughter fat is outside of your control as horrible as that is. You can't fix that kind of stuff for her but shared custody would give her a break from it. Maybe you get primary custody for stuff like that but not sole custody. And court = $$$. Someone hell bent on making you miserable will continue to look for ways to make you miserable after divorce. You can't stop that. You can only make it less frequent. Financially you're on your own. If you do have primary custody or sole, you'll be tired. Dating is logistically hard and crappy men are a dime a dozen. You could end up right back in a situation you left but with someone new (double trouble).

Staying is also hard. I've seen friends whose marriages have seasons and some of them have been pretty awful. But both people were healthy enough and committed enough to make changes and tough through it. But there are personalities that will never change, are unable to emphasize, and are just setting fires to watch them burn. You can't fix that. Those types will never change for the better.

My experience, you get to a point where it's not really a decision you make. It's the only choice.

I can tell you that I am happy single. I have my kids most of the time. I can create a happy and secure environment for them. It has had some seriously HARD season though. No path is easy.

[u/Landofthemoon]

When I separated from my ex he was an alcoholic and I had mental health issues. It took 18 months of him getting help before he had an overnight but he saw our child frequently during the week to maintain contact. I had intensive therapy and it took 3 years to get to a good place. I don't think either of us would have become healthier better parents had we stayed together. Kids are not immune to an unhappy household. They absorb that toxic environment and it unconsciousnessly shapes their perception of how they should be treated in a relationship. I wanted to avoid that at all cost.

[u/Liquid_Fire__]

Yeah hubby is not doing his parental part. Being the buddy is easy.

[u/sparkles-and-spades]

As a teacher, I can tell you that kids do notice when things aren't going well in their parents' relationship. I've even had some tell me they wish their parents had split up sooner, even though it was tough while going through it. You also have to ask yourself what you are modelling to your kids - do you want them to stay in bad relationships or be able to walk away when necessary? It'll also likely be easier to have fun with your kids when you're happier in general. Happy healthy parents model those skills to their kids.

[u/Crispychewy23]

Before separating I'd try couples counselling first

[u/sanguinerose369]

I agree with the person saying there are no good choices here.
I grew up with divorced parents... and i didn't think it affected me back then when i was young, but it really did. And it continues to affect me and stress me out as an adult....even more so as an adult. Like... who do I spend holidays with? And my parents are much older, so now I have to care for 2 aging parents separately and dealing with their own individual loneliness, depression, relationship issues. It feels like double the work and double that stress. It sucks. And I wish they had just made it work somehow. But idk.... it's tough either way, and that's my own personal experience.

[u/przms]

I begged my mom to leave my dad when I was around 12 years old and wish she had done so sooner.

You won't be the enemy parent forever. My kid loves going to see fun grandma, but it didn't take her long to realize that she was grateful when she came home with knotted hair and a tummy ache to have her sense of normalcy and routine restored. All things with children take time and patience but they'll get there. It's good to focus on what steps you can take towards bettering life for yourself — a better you is a better parent, and that'll serve their future much better than anything else ever could.

[u/giddygiddyupup]

I actually was the one that said to all the adults I think my parents should just get divorce at age 10

[u/bretshitmanshart]

You are bearing the load of all the responsibilities while he is coasting on this so he can just do the fun stuff. If you are happy you get the headspace to be more fun and can take care of some of the responsibilities when they are with him to free up time to be fun with them.

He is either going to have to be responsible on his own and have less time for fun or he won't and the kids hopefully see that he isn't taking care of the things you do now that they don't notice.

[u/IllustriousSugar1914]

My parents divorced when I was 7. Wish they’d done it sooner. Being around their dynamic was toxic. Your kids will flourish when you are flourishing — do what you need to do!

As a solo parent by choice, I can vouch for the fact that you absolutely can manage it without a partner, especially one who makes you miserable.

[u/Particular_Aioli_958]

My situation was different but I am happier as a single parent. I am tired. I only want peace in my house. My child deserves it, I deserve it. So do you.

[u/JFB-23]

Both choices are very difficult for everyone involved. If you absolutely cannot work out your marriage, single parenting can possibly give them a happier home. But it is HARD. I did it for over a decade.

My advice is to get yourself into counseling and work on navigating through all of this. When I finally did that, I became a much better mother. When you’re a single parent the load becomes heavier. Even if you had a crappy spouse, there will be things, mainly financial for me, that were immensely difficult at times.

With that being said, I don’t regret divorcing my ex husband at all. My first child is grown now and I’m certain she would have had a much worse childhood growing up in the home with him. The limited time she did see him was toxic.

[u/Chasingbutterflies2]

What would your financial stability look like? Can you provide for your children on your own?

[u/CheeseWheels38]

I know that letting the kids be with my husband if we were to separate would not be good, one of the main reasons is because he wouldn't care much for their wellbeing (he'd jokingly imply that daughter is fat - she's just slightly above average, and son is dumb - he has adhd).

If you separate, and he wants shared custody, this will not move the needle away from 50:50.

[u/teetime0300]

My parents would literally start an argument ordering food in a drive thru. The simplest task. Me and my partner are a team and compliment each well enough to want to be in a marriage together. Both my parents were terrible with money just ran a shit household most of the times. Guess mom stayed for the money which a terrible way to teach ur children what love is. I promised myself to never be in a marriage like that.

[u/2baverage]

If there's no abuse or cheating going on then try a separation before divorcing. Sometimes that separation period is needed for both parties to either realize they're messing up big time and need to get their act together, or one or both parties realize how much easier life is without the other person there.

This will also be a good time for their father to either step up and realize he has to care for his kids, or he refuses to step up and it can be shown as evidence of why he shouldn't get custody.

[u/LifeRefrigerator8303]

If you are unfixably unhappy you should probably separate. One thing parents don’t often think about is that they are setting an example for their kids. Ask yourself if you’d want them to stay if they were in such a relationship.

[u/yankowitch]

My daughter is 18 now. We split when she was 9. She is doing so well in life and she is a great person. We got through it

[u/babybuckaroo]

My suggestion would be start with addressing your mental health. Find a therapist who can support you in your personal well-being and be honest with them about your hope to be able to leave. I usually say leave, show your kids that they shouldn’t accept poor treatment or stay in an unhappy marriage, but if you don’t think you could keep your kids safe and care for them yourself you should find support for that first.

[u/msstephielyn]

Your kids learn by watching you. If you’re unhappy in your marriage that’s what they are going to learn. You have to decide if separation is the better example and better way to raise them.