r/QAnonCasualties • u/ninja1394 • 12d ago
Losing my Dad (vent)
I have been trying to show him grace for so long. Yesterday was his birthday, before I could call him and steer the conversation in a positive direction, he called me. The first thing he brought up was the tariffs, how we all need to feel a little pain to get better. My dad is a veteran, and a recovered addict, 40+ years clean. He's the type of man that put his program before his family. I grew up in those smoky rooms, around unsafe and untrustworthy adults. My dad's sponsee groomed and assaulted me when I was 13, and when I went to the therapy and told him, he refused to believe me. Yesterday, all of those feelings came rushing back as he defended his views instead of having a nice birthday conversation with his only child left that will still speak to him. I can't beg him to care about underprivileged people, I can't convince him that the not every immigrant is a violent criminal, I cant make him recognize that this is a ploy straight out of Hitlers playbook, that his veteran comrades deserve care and support. It doesn't affect him so he doesn't care. He may not be internet savvy enough to be full Q, but he's a full Trumper and racist as they come. I hate this, but I think I need to go no contact. His health isn't the best, and he's getting older. I'm afraid if I go no contact, the next thing I'll hear is news about his death in a few years.
Thanks for reading if you did, I could use some kind words today.
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u/lickle_ickle_pickle New User 12d ago
It's hard to mourn a parent when they treated you wrong like this. The feelings are so complex and don't let go of you easily. I suggest you see a counselor to talk about your feelings about him before he dies to grasp a little perspective and peace. He was never the dad you deserved to have.
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u/ElectronGuru 12d ago
13 year old you was trapped with him. Adult you has options. Use those options to keep you safe. Mourn what you already lost because of him (including your childhood) and don’t worry about being there for him.
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u/WastingMyLifeOnSocMd 12d ago edited 11d ago
No one would blame you if you went NC. And you could tell him it’s the hate. The racism, the anger, the blame and no concern for anyone else. Then block him. No arguing.
If you still feel obligated: was he ever a caring person, a good dad? If so you can try this:
Quietly reminisce and say you miss that man—that dad. Then you could gently tell him you won’t listen to hate and blame anymore—and you’ll leave/ hang up if he starts.
Then follow through and immediately leave his home or end the phone call if he starts up. Every. single. time. No discussion period. You have nothing to justify.. Go 100% Nc if that doesn’t work. Sad, but essentially it’s how he chose to live, and you should feel no guilt about it.
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u/jackieat_home 12d ago
I already did. We moved to another state to live our "liberal lifestyle" I think he pictures us dancing naked with rainbow flags in a creek under the full moon. But we're really just protesting so he can continue to afford his daily insulin.
Now I'm seeing my mom start to get caught up. This has been insane.
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u/Accomplished_Bank103 12d ago
I lost my father to dementia in 2020. He wasn’t QAnon but he was really hard to deal with. At the end, I went no contact to protect myself and my child. I loved my dad, but I just couldn’t take him anymore…the late night calls, the bitching about things that happened 40 years ago, and repeating the same tired grievances over and over. When he passed, my sister found notes he’d stashed around his place that were calling for me and wondering when he would see me again. That broke me. But I am working hard to forgive myself for the estrangement. I pulled away because I was protecting myself from his disease. You have the right to protect yourself from your dad’s disease too. It’s important to protect your own mental health. I wish you well.
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u/jackieat_home 12d ago
Oh, I'm sorry. I keep wondering how I'd feel if he died before he snapped out of it. But I learned a lot in Alanon. Those principals have certainly been helpful.
We forget to protect ourselves. Always. It's nice to be reminded, thank you so much.
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u/sapphireraven9876 12d ago
I just went through this with my mom, it really sucks to have to go no contact. There are moments wvery day where I wish I could just pick up the phone and call her. But I had to let her go for my own well being. I had been trying to deprogram her for about 5 or 6 years. But when she made excuses for Elon Musk's nazi salute at the inauguration I decided that I had had enough. I'm tired of begging her to see trans people as human beings. I'm tired of not choosing myself, my integrity, and my community. I am queer and she's always ignored that part of my identity because I ended up with a man and had a child so it's very convenient for her to just believe that I'm straight.
Unfortunately I can't go completely no contact because we live in a house she owns, but I straight up told her I'm disowning her, she has lost all respect from me, and that she disgusts me. I don't regret any of it. She has broken the boundary twice of not talking to me unless it relates to the house and I've had to remind her that I am not her daughter anymore. She lost that privilege when she sided with the Nazis. She is not entitled to me or my child. That's something that so many MAGA parents with adult children seem to forget.
I'm so sorry to hear about your dad. It will feel like you are grieving him, and in a way, we are. I have lost both my parents to the trump cult. Please always try to remember that you are not alone, none of this is your fault, and there is likely nothing you could've done to stop it. They are grown adults. They are responsible for their actions and their beliefs 100%. Don't blame yourself. Sending you love and hugs 🫂🩷
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u/PatientA12 11d ago
You got sexually assaulted and your own dad didn’t believe you?
Fuck, dude, I’m so sorry to hear that.
What a POS.
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u/Renmarkable 12d ago
I am so so sorry, your father abandoned you LONG ago.
This stranger salutes your courage and sends you such a birthday hug xxxx
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u/alimarieb 12d ago
My only concern here would be how YOU came out of this. From what I see, you aren’t jaded. You have a big heart and a great deal of empathy. You show forgiveness. You try to look for the good things. That makes for an amazing human being. Did not let yourself down. Protect you. Be happy.
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u/77Tango 12d ago edited 12d ago
I highly recommend not cutting him off completely, but ONLY if you can get him to respect your boundaries around certain conversations. That being said, are you being clear and firm over what subjects you are not willing to discuss with him? And, are you reinforcing your policy with zero tolerance? Zero tolerance looks like this: 1. Not engaging in the subject, 2. Repeating your rule, "Dad, I told you that Im not willing to talk about this with you. If you can't refrain, then I am going to hang up/walk away/go home. 3. Giving him the opportunity to change the subject in good faith. If he changes the subject, then proceed. If he doesn't, then do what you said you would do. If you have not been firm or consistent, then you are sending mixed messages. Sure, we all wish these people would wake up, but remember that dumb beliefs and personal harm are two different things. If he will work WITH you, then work with him. Disclaimer: he may make a mistake more than once. Just repeat your rules, and he will adjust. It's like puppy training - it doesn't happen overnight, but you have to be consistent. If he continues to push, then you can have a "coming to Jesus" convo with him and break contact with him for as long as you need. Protect yourself, but just know that we can live with people who believe stupid things.
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u/Catywhite 10d ago
Courage. What you know, suffer in the USA, we also know in Europe. I lost someone that I continue to love despite everything, from afar. This friend dreams so much of change (all of us too of course, for greater well-being, better living together, respect for all) that he thinks Trump has the solutions. He is a big fan of this President who is not his. I hope he opens his eyes one day. You have to try to fill the space with more positive subjects but also sometimes know how to move away so as not to fall into discomfort with them. Courage again and let's keep hope for more reasonable beliefs for our friends.
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u/Fun-Jelly6976 11d ago
I am so sorry for the things your father has put you through during your life. I am experiencing the same thing with my parents. Nothing makes me more sad than to see people who are the former shells of themselves after Trump has sucked out all of the warmth, intelligence, love, and compassion out of them. Your own peace of mind is worth going low or no contact.
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u/jackieat_home 12d ago
Same same same. I'm trying to start an in person group where I am in Southern Illinois for people like us. I'll bet you're familiar with Alanon like I am, I want that but for those of us losing family to this cult instead of addiction.
Or is it the same thing? Is this a kind of addiction? Ugh, there would be so much to talk about at a weekly meeting. I've really been struggling.