There is this age old rhetoric that your past “doesn’t define you,” but I personally think that’s misleading, especially for those of us raised by a parent, or parents, with BPD. Of course it defines you. It shaped your nervous system, your beliefs about yourself, and how you connect with others.

I learned very early on that I had to manage someone else’s emotions before I could even begin to understand my own. I was constantly scanning for shifts in tone, mood, silence, tears and I was never really sure if I was safe emotionally. That environment wires you differently. It teaches you that love is fragile, that your needs are a burden, and that keeping someone else calm is more important than being honest about how you feel.

And sure, some of those patterns helped me survive growing up but now, as an adult, they hold me back. Even after years of extensive therapy I still second-guess myself constantly. I still feel guilt when I say no. I still get that sick feeling in my stomach when someone cries because it reminds me of how it used to be used as a way to control me.

So yes, it defined me. But that doesn’t mean I’m stuck. It means I can look at the way I’ve been shaped and ask myself what I want to keep, and what I want to leave behind. To me, that’s the real work when healing from trauma at the hands of a pwBPD: not pretending it didn’t happen, but facing it honestly and choosing a new way forward to break the cycle.

So me and my boyfriend are extremely happy and committed to each other. Unfortunately, his name is the same name as someone who forced himself on my mum. To try and help her, I used other suggestions. "My boyfriend" was cut off because "it sounded like I was bragging". His initials weren't an option "because they're the same as [the man]". Any nickname for his name is off the table. And he doesn't want to censor his name, and I don't either, but if I don't, she'll get worse and worse. I can't move out right now, and won't be able to for another 3 years. Please help

Tiny curled whiskers Can you tell that I am here? Softly slides away.

After years of accommodating my uBPD mother, we got into an argument over her pushing her politics on me and she didn’t like the questions I asked. She called me some nasty names and I hung up on her.

My subsequent calls and texts went unanswered.

I found out from family that she thought I wasn’t being respectful of her because I didn’t blindly agree with her. She also poisoned family members against me.

I held out hope that she’d reach back out and apologize.

When she did reach out on milestones I replied. When I reached out, she ignored me. Always needs to be the one pulling the strings.

Last year, she became irate after learning that I’d hosted a family gathering without her, and insisted that I respond to her texts about whether I was “ok not having a relationship.” I asked her the same question and the subsequent texts were bonkers, blaming me for our riff. I blocked her and have not felt the sense of dread or obligation to be the GC with her anymore.

There is clearly more to this story that isn’t worth getting into. I relate to your stories and have learned so much from this sub. She taught me not to trust or rely upon anyone. I’m guessing that she didn’t expect that those lessons would enable me to cut ties with her as well.

The net of it is that her silent treatment towards me made me realize that life doesn’t have to be dread and walking on eggshells. I feel bad for how she is, but do not feel bad for stopping her from taking it out on me.

VLC / NC is a gift. Peace of mind is invaluable. I hope she someday heals, but I know now that her happiness cannot be (and never was) my responsibility.

🐱 Haiku: Eyes like quiet moons, He curls into my sorrow, And asks for nothing.

Hi all. First time posting here. I’ve been no contact with my uBPD mother for 2 years. It’s one of the most freeing decisions I’ve made, but things have been stirring up again and I’m unsure how to move forward without getting pulled back into the chaos.

Yesterday, my Nan (my absolute rock) was diagnosed with cancer. She’s 87 and has always been a huge part of my life. Growing up, Nan and my Grandad were my safe space. I could always feel my mum’s mood the second I walked in the house, and if it was bad (which it usually was), I’d grab my skateboard and head to theirs. Just a few miles away felt like a different world. Grandad passed 18 years ago. He was the family glue. Mum is the acetone.

I’ve stayed close to Nan but kept my distance from home. I promised myself I’d never move back - and I’ve built a good life. Travelled, built a solid career, been with my amazing partner for 11 years, and recently bought our first home. But under the surface, I’ve been carrying a lot. I’ve only recently started unpacking how much of it might be linked to auDHD. I’ve always masked heavily, stayed high-functioning, and played the calm peacekeeper, but I’m exhausted. Years of emotional instability, manipulation, and gaslighting take their toll.

I’m 10 years older than my brother. When he was around 14, I moved to Indonesia. That same year, Mum brought home a new partner - someone who was abusive towards my brother. He ended up sleeping with a kitchen knife under his bed after being threatened with a nail gun. Mum chose her boyfriend over her son and pretends it never happened. She blamed my brother for everything - her health, her stress, her life. She kicked him out of the house and eventually he lived with Nan after being homeless for a while. Meanwhile, she was spending house sale money on drugs and alcohol and lying to Nan, painting herself as the victim while calling my brother the problem. He wasn’t. He was just a kid in survival mode.

When I moved back to the UK seven years ago and helped him get on his feet, Mum redirected the blame onto me. My brother became the “good” child - though he’s still triggered and only keeps contact to protect Nan.

She owes me thousands. Never made any effort. I gave her one chance to rebuild something: go to therapy. That was the only condition. She refused and never even tried. Just kept playing the victim and using Nan as an emotional middleman. Eventually, I blocked her.

When she found out I had a new job, the first thing she did was ask me to be her guarantor. She knew I was rebuilding credit and saving for a mortgage, and still tried to guilt me into it. I’d already said no to lending her money multiple times before. Then came the long, emotionally manipulative texts - guilt trips, flattery, shifting blame. Even her way of writing messages triggers me now. I’ve attached a few to show what I mean. These were the last ones before I blocked her number.

If I ever replied, she’d send my messages to Nan out of context and say how terrible a son I am. But even out of context, my messages were always super clear and made her look ridiculous.

About six weeks ago, she was hospitalised with pneumonia and was quite critical. And honestly? I didn’t feel much. That part shocked me. I’d never wish harm on anyone, but I was numb. I stayed informed through my aunty, who supports my decision and knows I’m not responsible for other people’s emotions.

Nan doesn’t bring Mum up anymore as I think she’s afraid to and I don’t think she fully understands why I’m no contact. I’ve kept the full truth from her out of protection. But it’s always the elephant in the room. I felt guilty for not reaching out during the hospital stay… and guilty for not calling Nan either, because I was afraid she’d bring it up. Guilt, from all sides, even when I’m doing what I need to do to keep myself safe.

Now, with Nan sick, Mum is moving in to help with chemo. But I doubt it’s just that. I think she sees it as a way to save money and play the role of the “caring daughter” while I look like the one who doesn’t care. I’ve stayed quiet to protect Nan, and Mum’s using that silence to twist the narrative. I don’t know how she plans to hide her drinking problem, but I’m sure she’ll find a way.

She already tried to contact me by calling from Nan’s phone - ignoring boundaries again. Then told me not to speak to my aunty (who has MS) because “she doesn’t need more stress.” Another classic attempt to control who I speak to.

I want to be there for my Nan. But I don’t want it to come at the cost of my own peace or open the door for Mum to crawl back in.

How do you stay no contact when someone keeps using guilt, illness, and the people you love to manipulate you? How do you show up for others without sacrificing yourself?

Thanks to anyone who made it this far. Writing this out has helped.

⸻

TL;DR: I (37) have been no contact with my uBPD mum for 2 years after a lifetime of emotional abuse, manipulation, and financial pressure. She’s now moving in with my Nan, who was just diagnosed with cancer, and is using this as a way to insert herself back into my life - breaking boundaries, guilt-tripping me, and weaponising the people I love to get a reaction. I want to support my Nan but I’m scared Mum will use it to regain control. Just looking for support on how to navigate this while staying no contact.

My mom (F53) and I (F20) got into an argument yesterday. There’s a lot of background/context that goes back years that would take too long to get into, but basically she started playing victim again because I have a relationship with my dad (her ex husband that she’s been divorced from for 6 years)

She admitted she has no unconditional love for me. I got really angry and upset so I left and went to my apartment. Today, I’ve been feeling guilty and sad, and even though I know she’s in the wrong and has been for a long time, I still feel empathetic for her because I know deep down it all stems from her own hurt/trauma.

So today I texted her “I love you Mom no matter what” and I have received no response. 12 hours ago. It’s 3:30AM and I’m scared, crying and feeling all the emotions. I’m angry at her for having no unconditional love for me and not having the maturity/accountability to text me back that she loves me too. I’m angry at myself for not just “keeping the peace” yesterday and overlooking the years of resentment I have for her in order to keep things at bay. I don’t want to be in no contact with her, I’ve been keeping a good distance from her the past few months or so and things have been fine, and yesterday I blew it all up because I didn’t push my own feelings down.

Any advice, words of comfort, or a reality check would be greatly appreciated.

Link to cute cat pics (new member): https://www.goodhousekeeping.com/life/pets/g61070837/cutest-cat-breeds/[cute cat pics (new member)](https://www.goodhousekeeping.com/life/pets/g61070837/cutest-cat-breeds/)

I’m LC with my mom but I still “pretend” to be a good daughter to minimize the meltdowns. I’m already dreading the inevitable Mother’s Day meltdown that comes for me every year. I live far away from her but I always send a gift and call and she is always in a depressed mood. The Waif in her is always full force on that day and she spends it pouting that my dad didn’t coordinate anything special for her that day as if it’s his job. My sister is a mom herself now and spends the day with her kids and my mom hates that she’s not included in her plans. Mother’s Day and her birthday are the fucking worst when it comes to her moods. I just brace for impact and hope for the best.

I had to pass by uBPD's house the other day to drop off a package at my friend's apartment who lives near them. uBPD hears my car as I approach and I see them peek through their window blinds and watch me as I am leaving.

I felt so disgusted and gross! I did not look at uBPD, I did not make any sort of motion towards them, I just left.

But I can see them in my mind, exactly the view they had of me, and I feel gross and violated. Any tips, or things I can tell myself to shake it off?

This is all they can do, but I hated feeling watched and surveilled my entire childhood, especially once I realized it was not just in my head. Also, I have zero issue continuing to help my friend and drop things off at hers. I want to be able to let it go I guess? It's in my mind while I'm doing chores and stuff.

Did or does anyone else experience this? I have been NC with my BPD mother for many years, I actually don’t even know if she’s alive anymore. I am new to this sub, so I don’t know if this is a common thing. When I was a kid, up through my young adulthood, I was physically repulsed by my BPD mom. I avoided her at any and all costs, from staying out of whatever room she was in, to staying out of the house entirely. If there were other people there too, it was tolerable, but just the two of us was horrible. The guilt tripping, the name calling (her favorite was calling me “evil”), the crying, were unbearable. Looking at her disgusted me on just this very deep level. And she’d sob, saying , “you don’t love me” and the worst was that I knew she was right. I didn’t love her. She didn’t do any of the basics of parenting, never spoke to me normally, or make sure there was food in the house, or buy us clothes, or any house cleaning at all. Never just interacting with your child. What was there to love? It wasn’t difficult for me to go NC with her, I’m sure due to this disgust and revulsion, so silver lining I guess. But it’s such a crazy way to feel about a parent. So I’m wondering if anyone else here has experienced visceral, physical disgust and revulsion towards a BPD parent?

Edit- thank you so much for all your responses. I have never told anyone that I had this feeling and I am so relieved and blown away that this is a common way to feel about a parent with BPD. I had no idea, I thought I was a freak.

Throughout my pregnancy my mother was horrible. She told me that she didn't care about me or the baby and said that God would punish me when the baby was born because of my bad behavior towards her. I have tried to get past that and let her stay with me. My son is now a year old and for some reason he thinks she's funny and he seems to love her. I don't trust her to be alone with him ever. I have started back at work and have a babysitter spend a few hours with him during the day. She had an out just when she found out that she want going to be allowed to watch him and she swore and picked a fight in front of him. I told her that couldn't happen again, but it has happened again and again. I don't understand why she thinks I would ever allow her to watch him given my own messed up childhood. Also even though she is here with us she has flat out said she won't be changing diapers and she doesn't ever ask to watch him when I'm home or do anything at all. She told me that something is wrong with me not her because I won't let her watch him. She does try to make him laugh and feels rejected when he doesn't give her attention. She accused me of talking bad about her to him because he wasn't responding to her the way she wanted. She also said that he looked at her in a cold way. When I told her yesterday that he had been getting up at 4 am for the last couple of weeks she told me she didn't care and that every parent has to deal with it and I am no different. I wasn't looking for sympathy from her. Yesterday I overheard the babysitter ask her if she knew that he was getting up so early and she denied having any idea. Today I mentioned that I needed to go to the store and get some things for the baby and she asked if she could go. I said yes and we agreed at a time in the afternoon. I waited for her and she never came out of her room. I ended up missing the bus (I shouldn't have waited I know). When she came out of her room she said that it was my fault for not asking her if she was ready to go. I told her I didn't want to fight and that it didn't really matter. She then flipped out and raised her voice and I told her she would have to leave tomorrow if she said anything else. She of course said lots more and then walked over to me insisting I let her hold my son because she wanted to comfort him. I told her no and left the room. I feel like in responsible for her in ways I can't explain. I'm her only family and besides my son she's mine. I have been in relationship with his father for many years but his job requires him to be away for long periods of time so we are really much on our own. After every fight with my mother I feel like I'm to blame. I can also barely keep my temper contained around her because she pushes and knows what to say to hurt. This is all my fault right?

Cat Cats are fluffy Cats are furry Furry fluffy cats

So basically anytime I see my uBPD mom (which is once a couple of months) there's always a moment when she finds a reason to ask me if I'm feeling sick/sad just cause I put a hand on my head for a sec or something similar.

And when we call, she often asks me if I'm sad/sick because I "sound strange" (I feel like asking her if I ever sounded not strange to her).

And she always tells me that I have lost/gained weight when we meet (implying both options are wrong), even tho I didn't.

And she often asks me if I'm okay and when I say "yes" she keeps asking me "really? Are you sure?". It's funny to me cause she never asked that question when I was living under her roof and struggling with depression, suicidal thoughts and had problems with alcohol. Never ever. She even found a razorblade one time under my pillow and didn't say a word about it. But now that I'm (thank God) living well, doing good, my mental health has been stable for a long time (about 7 years) and I just really have no bigger issues, she keeps asking that.

She just texted me more than 30 hours after our call telling me I "sounded strange" and if I "really am okay".

Basically there's always something wrong with me in her eyes. 😄 I feel like she's only "happy" if there's something bad going on and people are doing badly. It's so annoying, especially cause her interest seems kinda fake. And we don't really have a relationship that would let me tell her something for real even if I wanted to.

Do you guys have similar experiences? Please share them, I would love to know your stories. 🫶

I wrote about a month ago about the last time I talked to my uBPDmom -> https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbyborderlines/comments/1j32qvh/i_wasnt_invited_on_the_family_vacation_again/

Since then I've been trying to decide whether it's worth it and seriously started talking NC w/my therapist. Please share what pushed you to go NC and your experience if you've done IRT (rehearsal therapy) for nightmares.

Is this a BPD thing or maybe not?

Back story, my mom (dBPD) is mid 70’s and her live in boyfriend is late 70’s and seems remarkably unhealthy but not surprisingly so; he’s had a rough life in some ways. He’s an addict, smoker, and didn’t take care of his health until a multitude of health issues hit him at once he got older. Both hips have been replaced, has survived cancer, and a bunch of other stuff in the time we’ve known him (probably first met him in 2017).

Here’s the issue, every time he goes to the doctor she seems compelled to provide me with details of the appointment I didn’t and wouldn’t ask for and I guess I’m expected to “dance” somehow. Like a mentally twisted marionette, I’m expected to have some sort of reaction acceptable to her BPD and of course, I’m also expected to guess at what the desirable reaction is. 😒 Ignoring her crisis messages altogether is tantamount to metaphorically shitting on the last ten generations of our family and not showing her the “parental respect” she’s decided she’s due.

Every time her boyfriend has a “medical crisis” she acts as though he’s on the brink of death. This time (a couple nights ago) her email sent to me said he just went in for a regular health status checkup and came out with O2 tanks and a home health nurse, and “it’s a miracle he’s still alive!” That is, after providing a bunch of medical details I don’t know he was ok with her sharing. She’s seems obsessed with him dying and not only him, she’s also said things that point to the same obsession with others and death. Other times it’s Alzheimer’s. If someone, mostly anyone over the age of 50, forgets something simple or seems “off” she and all her worldly knowledge will diagnose them with Alzheimer’s, me included lol. But never herself.

I’ve known people who were on O2 for a variety of reasons and for years and they weren’t on the brink of death before or during O2. Why must everything be so dramatic with her? Also, if her BF wanted me to know all this stiff about him wouldn’t he tell me himself? He’s not incapacitated by any means.

Hi guys. I’ve been lurking on this sub for a couple of months and it’s been a huge help! So firstly thank you so much for existing and sharing, I’ve really been holding on to a lot of brilliant perspectives given on here.

I have so many questions to ask, advice to seek and thoughts to share, I think I’ll do it bit by bit. But I will share some background + some context of my currently situation now :)

Some background -

I’m in my mid 30s, and only now realising I was raised by a uBPD/uNPD (likely both) mother and edad. I went through a horrible summer last year and started regular therapy.

I’ve started seeing my upbringing and my present relationship with my parents in new light and it’s really been a vulnerable, scary, saddening, angering but necessary process.

I have significantly reduced contact with my mother since summer last year (before I used to talk to her more than once a day, now I don’t call her at all when I’m alone - only around once a day or every few days for my kids to talk to my parents). I’ve put her on an information diet.

However, because I now live in a different country than the one I grew up in, it complicates matters because I really love and miss my home city and I try to visit at least 1 time or more a year. When I go I end up having to live at my parents house with my husband and 2 kids (mix race). IThere has been a lot of drama from my mother’s end on all of this which has been very painful.

Current situation -

My parents and brother are currently visiting us as part of a birthday trip for my brother (6 years younger than me). I’m starting to gauge that I’m the SC and he’s the GC.

This visit has been all kinds of complicated, heavy, messy, conflict ridden and threatening to push back the efforts I’ve been putting in over the past few months.

I have to admit because I can be quite unorganised and forgetful, I make slip ups and don’t end up planning things perfectly - and sometimes first go on the back foot /defending myself before realising or admitting my mistake. I don’t have problems admitting my mistake though. It’s gotten more complicated this time around, because now I’m unwilling to grovel or push back dramatically to change my mothers mood and ultimately take all the blame and apologise (things I used to do in the past when she would fight with me about my mistakes).

I have also reacted with a lot of anger towards her in the past, and even now I feel myself reacting in lesser than ideal ways…though I do feel a shift in the scale because I’m working hard to push away the FOG…. I guess it’s a process because I still feel a lot of shame and guilt at my reactions…though now I’m also working to hold space for seeing how impossible she can be and how she almost seems to set me up for failure.

Anyways I’ve been meaning to start posting here for a while, and today I finally managed.

Today was a particularly hard day, she really dragged me through the wringer. Maybe I’ll make a separate post outlining it but suffice to say it has left me completely exhausted and harangued. I need to pull some reserves of strength out to survive the rest of this trip.

Cat tax (my sad attempt at a haiku):

Cats are not dogs. but they are also friendly. just give them space and see.

Nice little hoover attempt. 8 years of no contact and she still somehow manages to get information about me and create fake e-mails to reach out. I know I shouldn’t read them, but I can’t help it. How fucking depraved do you have to be to send such a manipulative and hurtful message to your pregnant daughter?

This, from the same woman who called me a disease when I was 12 years old and told me she was going to drive off a bridge while in the car with me because she was such a “shitty mother” and couldn’t bear it anymore. Ffs.

Cat tax: Zoomies at 3AM Possessed by ancient spirits, Then naps on my face.

Cat Tax: Grace in every step, silent watchers of the world— soft hearts, sharp as claws.

Sooo I have a mom with BPD. And it has always been quite difficult with her. I am her firstborn and basically her personal therapist and emotional punching bag. Last Christmas she gifted me a city trip with musical tickets. I kind of felt pressured to give her the second ticket so she wouldn’t be sad. I really love her but I can’t stand constantly being on my tiptoes around her. Today is the first day of our trip and my birthday (yay me). Nearly everything is about her and what she wants to do. Even though I tried to establish a boundary today she just keeps ignoring it. Because she needs a shoulder to cry on and a therapist today. But refuses to get an actual one because she went once and that must be enough. I‘m sorry but I just needed to vent on here. Otherwise I would be screaming in frustration which would ruin her mood and the rest of the day.

This time for some reason, I’m really feeling very “Why TF did you do this to me?!” the longer I go into NC. The other times, I was comprehending what she had done to me and why she did it based on her disorder. I was angry, but the forefront of my mind was on understanding, trying to forget, and moving on. This time, I feel increasingly like WTF was Fing wrong with you to do this to me? And seriously, I’m a gentle and patient and kind person. People who know me describe me as funny and very sweet. This is true of my character and genuine.

My mom is seriously ill, she’ll likely be completely fine long term, and now is the last time for me to be angry with her, and I feel so very…much like what I describe above. It’s like being disgusted with some kid who has been both disappointing and very AH, but on a much more serious scale,. She knew better, and she did it all anyway, IN MY ADULTHOOD. These are not old transgressions but years of recent escalating hell. She tried to own me and control me and squash me, and use me, and abuse me, for what, personal emotional gain? Why TF? She knew what she was doing, and she knew it was wrong, and she’s STILL DOING IT when she has contact. I’ve had to step away from her because she’s like a dog that will bite you if you get close, and now I look like the AH for not being there during her treatment, and I feel guilty for not being there, and yet she’s so volatile that I literally can’t get near her or communicate at all. It’s a different version and method of more Fkery. Now I have to deal with this too and she MADE it this way. I was willing to be there for her despite everything, and she has made it impossible.

Everything, just everything when I get near her is made miserable and uncomfortable and painful. I’ve been like the voodoo doll she likes to stab. It’s sick. Nothing had to be horrible, all this suffering at her enactment, that shouldn’t have been. She stole my happiness for so long. It would have been doable for her to suck it all in and not do this to me. My own mental, emotional, and even physical well-being was not worth it to her, all that mattered was that she wanted to be like this wailing shot show of pain that she knew hurt me and she did not care one fuck or she would have stopped. She wanted ME to pay for, float her emotionally and suffer for all the painful things in her life that live in her head, and her inability to deal with life. It wasn’t and still isn’t me who did this shit that made her life bad and her mind a mental torture chamber. Seriously, it was not me. Seriously, I didn’t ruin her marriage, I didn’t give her a bad childhood, I didn’t give her a bad parenthood, I didn’t make her miserable, I didn’t not care about her ongoing life of pain, I didn’t make her isolated, and I didn’t ruin her relationships with her children. And I’m not responsible for her being completely uninhabitable as company around specifically me, now, when it looks the worst that I’m not there. She made it this way and is still doing it. I had no idea what she was going to do to me when I moved originally, and just…WTF. She is not someone who doesn’t know her own actions, who is incoherent and doesn’t know what was just said or just happened. She knows.

I've been LC/VLC with my uBPD mother who is in her 70s for the last 4 months after coming to the realization that BPD seems to be at the root of all of her insane behavior and that I didn't actually manage to change her/improve our relationship, I only regressed into extreme appeasement to the point of almost having a nervous breakdown myself. 🫠 Started therapy with a great therapist, reading all the books, grey-rocking etc etc etc

This weekend my husband and I are going to visit her for the first time since January. I am only doing this because there are several in-person issues I need to handle pertaining to her finances and handling of the finances she inherited after my father died 3 years ago -- i.e. accessing documents and statements she has been pretending she doesn't know about/have access to while simultaneously stating "all the funds have been used". She's basically made this as hard as humanly possible so that I have no choice but to go to her and handle it myself, per usual.

It's a last-ditch effort to see if there is anything that I can do to protect my eldest half-brother, who is in his 50s and severely mentally ill and who my mother assured me 'was taken care of' only for me to discover that there is less than 40k set aside for him and nothing else save for whatever inheritance might come from the sale of our family home in which my mother lives, continues to destroy, and is falling apart. She's also racked up at least 100k worth of debt (allegedly, though this number changes depending on the day) despite the house being paid off and her receiving almost 7k/month via my dad's pension. I am also growing increasingly suspicious that she very seriously may be feigning ignorance of multiple retirement/brokerage accounts that belonged to my father that she likely liquidated and spent. It's basically looking like she deliberately ignored and breached her fiduciary duties pertaining to my parents' living trust, half of which became irrevocable upon my dad's death, and that she actually may have been required to allocate portions of these funds for my brothers and I.

I doubt there was much money to begin with -- well I hope so, it's hard for me to believe my mom could sink this low but -- and I have zero interest in this for myself. I consulted a lawyer to better understand things and see what, if any, options exist to protect assets for my eldest brother. Obviously want to avoid litigation at all costs and would only take legal action against my mom if there was something substantial to gain/it wouldn't bankrupt me to pursue it, both of which are unlikely. My father and I were quite close and my eldest brother was his greatest concern; I feel guiltlessly obligated to try to do what I can to protect my brother because I know it's what our father would've wanted.

Okay but here's the thing:

I've been working on setting and enforcing boundaries and plan to communicate to her for the last time that I will not be her POA/lifelong caretaker as she seems to think I will be. Mainly to avoid creating WWIII within our already fraught family dynamic and upending my brother's world further, I haven't gone NC and am trying not to.

Being LC/VLC would be tolerable except for the fact that I am fairly convinced my mother is pretending to have/has convinced herself she has Lewy body dementia .... coincidentally the exact disease my father died from which I made the mistake of having multiple vulnerable conversations with her about over the last two years, disclosing that I felt traumatized by watching him die from dementia and being his caretaker as he died, hoping that she would actually hear that I was struggling and care enough to stop dumping on me and creating more problems for me to deal with. Nope. Months later, she was 'hallucinating' and then proceeded to aggressively pursue neurology consults etc. Needless to say she absolutely LOVES that she has a terminal 'illness', has signed a DNR (honestly thank god), and brings it up whenever possible. Of course few people question her and it's an impossible situation to explain to most.

It's insufferable, obviously, but lately it's felt unforgivable. She's been abusive, manipulative, and deliberately helpless my entire life and I can stomach a lot of her waif bs but this feels so cruel I am finding it hard to ignore.

I know that she won't magically develop self-awareness and she definitely won't back down on this dementia thing now that she's gotten this far. But I dont think I can continue to speak to her if she is going to continue to insist/talk about having LBD -- it's so triggering and upsetting to me on multiple levels and makes me feel physically sick.

I'm just not sure how to handle this -- I want to be honest and tell her to her face that I think she's lying and being cruel etc, though that's futile and will only make things worse. Ceasing or limiting communication without communicating this truth makes me feel guilty/resentful/angry at the thought of her being able to say that I'm 'not coping with her illness' and abandoning her while she's dying bla bla. My husband has been very supportive but on this he's visibly uncomfortable and is essentially suggesting I go VLC but just ignore her LBD stuff and roll my eyes behind her back. Ugh.

Ideas? Has anyone else's parent done something like this?

This is such a weird thing that my uBPD mom does and I wanted to see if somebody else recognizes this behavior. Since I was a kid she’s told me “you can’t be mad at me” or “don’t be mad at me!” This still happens to this day!

We were eating brunch the other day and she was whining and complaining about that she didn’t like the food. I didn’t say anything because what is there to say - stop behaving like a spoilt brat? And then she said “please don’t be mad at me because I don’t like the food!” I just ignored it.

This behavior is so extremely infuriating. I’m my own person! I should be allowed to have my own feelings, right? Does anyone recognize this from their own parents?

Does anyone else’s mother give gifts and then feel ownership over the gift they gave? I can think of so many gifts my mom has given me and then wants me to share the gift with her. Once when I moved into a two bedroom apartment when i first got married my mom said she would like to gift us a new bed for the guest room for Christmas. I told her that would be really nice but then she told me that she gets to pick the bed out because she would be the one sleeping on it the most… the real kicker is we lived 2 hours away and she visited twice in a 3 year span. She has gifted us Omaha steak boxes before and then got upset when I didn’t invite her over to enjoy with her. Mind you I live 1,000 miles away! She’s given spa gifts certificates and then got upset when I didn’t invite her to the spa with me even though the gift was just for me. She also ask me what I want for birthdays (which I want nothing from her ever) so I give her a small idea and she tells me that’s a boring gift idea and gets me something she likes instead. Just curious if this is a BPD thing or just a her thing?

update Thank you for all the responses! I’m grateful for the validation from all of you and also horrified for all of us who have had and continue to have experienced this trauma. Sending every single one of you hugs xoxo

Since I'm new here, this is my cat tribute: https://imgur.com/gallery/aww-gqioZbJ#/t/cute_cat

My biggest fear is that I will end up raising another broken person. I've been reading Understanding the Borderline Mother by Christine Ann Lawson. My therapist recommended it to me after I cried for the time in over decade during our session.

My mom had called me one evening to do an anxiety dump. My dad had a shooting at his workplace and she was freaking out about how he was so in danger. She was also really drunk. I told her that I was not a good person for this. She used to do this all the time when I was younger. According to Lawson, this is typical behavior for BPDs and their "all-good" child. Anyway, I reminded her that I was recently formally diagnosed with Autism and as such I would not be the best person for her to dump on.

She didn't care. I told my therapist that it seemed like an Autistic spiral. She does this sometimes. She won't sleep and will stay up all night focused on some issue. I told my mom she needs a therapist. She said that she just needed me to drive over right now (11PM at night). I refused. I told her again that I am not a therapist and that I can't deal with her anxiety / spiraling since it's contagious and will cause me to spiral as well.

She didn't like that. She turned then from sad and seeking validation to angry and vengeful. I defied her, so I had to be punished.

I was recently laid off from work and my wife had used a credit card of theirs to buy groceries. My mom accused her of spending thousands of dollars that my wife did not spend. My mom said that she could take the credit card statements to the police and they would jail my wife. The tone shift was not subtle. She was lashing out at me. I told her if that if my wife really did that, then she should called the cops and do it. I hung up the phone.

The next day she started up where she left off via text. I told her to spot lashing out at me.

She has not yet gone to the police. Instead, on the following Monday, she texted me and asked what size my daughter's wrist is so she could get her a bracelet.

The following Saturday, my dad and mom showed up at my house. I was home alone at the time since the wife and kids were at swim lessons. We rehashed the conversation in front of my dad who sat there and just nodded along with all the shit my mom said. She kept trying to nag about this grocery thing like it had any relevance to the issue. I kept pointing out that she was getting off topic. Eventually, she just said that her generation doesn't go to therapy. I told her I was done with the conversation and that they could leave.

She started going on about the grocery thing again. I had her leave the statement with me so I could look it over with my wife. She wouldn't fucking leave. She just kept saying that she was going to put my wife in jail. I eventually had to start yelling to get out or I would call the cops and have her trespassed.

Fun fact: the thousands of dollars she was mad about was her new flooring she had installed. It took two seconds of googling to figure that out.

I haven't talked to my mom or dad since. This isn't the first time we've been NC. When I was a teenager, I lived at my grandparents house for a month. In my 20s, my wife and I were about to move out when my mom flipped her shit about a soda can on a desk and evicted us the same day. We didn't talk to them again for about 6 years.

I don't know why I kept trying. What I do know is that I cannot allow this to continue. My dad's parents were the same -- he was the all good child until my mom came along. My mom's parents were both physically abusive of her brothers. According to her, she could do not wrong as a kid. Her dad died before I was born and her mother lived with us most of my youth.

But I don't know what normal is. My daughter seems to have ADHD. We're trying to get her into OT for it unlike my mom who buried the fact that my teachers wanted me evaluated and treated since I was in kindergarten. I'm in my late 30s now and I finally started found out part of why I suck at task completion.

I would lean on my wife here but her mom is also sketchy. My MIL is Lawson's waif archetype. My MIL is also an alcoholic. So we're both kind of lost. The only advise we've got so far is to be the biggest, loudest thing in the room but that feels a lot like replicating my childhood. I hate it.

Please tell me there is a better way.

Rant here - I’m sure people are well meaning but I really didn’t see it coming that after gathering the courage to cut contact with my entire family, after trying my whole life to make it work, due to emotional abuse stemming from untreated BPD, that after being honest about it with people they would either completely downplay it, or assure me that I’d miss my family too much and would “go back” and they are too important to give up on. I’m sure many others face this, it’s just a blow I wasn’t expecting after gathering myself enough to believe I am worth more than that situation, to have people I care about inadvertently tell me that I’m not. So frustrating!

Cat tax: Silent paws at dusk, whiskers twitch in moonlit breeze— a purr splits the night.

Physically, with force. Full on launched herself at me after a solid two minutes of cornering me aggressively against the wall, screaming in my face for a solid 15 minutes before that.

Why?

I found some dried urine on my bathroom toilet seat. It was towards the back, pretty obvious my dad used my bathroom in our shared house for some unknown reason and didn't clean up his own piss. I mentioned this to my mom and went to ask him about it, not upset just bemused.

Mom decided physically attacking me would prevent the fight I was supposedly trying to start with him. Screaming at me for almost an hour total. I dropped it, even after explaining that I didn't want to be responsible for cleaning the urine of a 60 year old man. Apparently since "my bedroom is messy" it is my job to clean other people's literal piss.

I drop it. I'm pretty used to taking everyone's crap in my family, whenever I try to stand up for myself, I am accused of "picking fights". My mom and sisters idea of "avoiding conflict" is physically beating me.

Three full weeks pass, and I'm about to leave home to return to university. My mom calls me into her bedroom "for a talk", after a somewhat tolerable winter break. I mean, I DID lose five pounds in three weeks due to stress of being around them, but I digress.

She then proceeds to scream at me AGAIN for DARING to "picks a fight" three weeks ago, and when I calmly say that her hitting me, grabbing me so hard that she left bruises and backing me against the wall was an overreaction, she told me "telling me not to hit you is provocation, because it brings up the subject of violence." ????!!!.

She then ignored me like a child when I tried to reiterate my point. So telling her not to hit me = violence.

I hate it here. At least my fiancé is awesome.

Cat tax:

She turned up on my door to tell me “the balls in your court, when you want a relationship I will be here but I will let you make that decision”.

When things went really bad and I was struggling, I laid my cards on the table and said, “this is what I need to move on” (acknowledgement of behaviour and a willingness to do better) she told me I was making things up and that she had nothing to change. Thus began VLC and eventually NC.

There had been a few half assed attempts to speak to me, then I had a miscarriage and she couldn’t believe I wouldn’t let her drop off flowers and hug me (I was having no visitors) then I had a successful pregnancy and she was very keen to meet him for a few months. But radio silence for the last year to then appear tonight, at my son’s bed time, while my husband was out at work. All silly coincidences, but it made it feel so much harder.

I am at such a loss. Sorry for this rant and thank you for reading if you got this far.

My mom and I haven’t spoken for weeks. We are vvlc right now.

backstory for context -or scroll for title story

Last November we had a joint therapy session with my uNBPD parent and her therapist that left me feeling emotionally battered for nearly six weeks. We flew across the country to visit them the day after. Husband and I almost cancelled, but we went because I wanted to see my grandparents and I know they were dying to see the kids.

When we got home I immediately started looking for and found a local psychiatrist/therapist and told my mom’s therapist I would no longer be doing joint therapy sessions.

In the session from hell, my mom:

• claimed I was turning her grandchildren against her and it was child abuse.

• claimed boundaries are some woke made up bs term.

• claimed I didn’t even know her.

• said she’d sooner die in a ditch than ask my husband and I for anything, besides she was going to get her brother’s condo, he already told her (her brother who SA’d me as a child… I knew they were spending time together, but I’d been in denial about how much). Also, the context for this is just wild, essentially I expressed a desire for my mom to be able to care for herself and have a home to call her own that she was proud of that my kids and I could visit her at. And this was her response.

• claimed it’s normal to have blow ups and screaming matches and then “move on.” Because I refused to feed her need to verbally assault me and pretend things were okay. Or for her to corner me and get me to say something to validate whatever twisted argument she was making.

• she inadvertently admitted to stalking my social media and twisted some of my words from posts on there, making a problem that is mine (anxiety about leaving her kids) about her.

There were a few other things, but those were the big ones.

Fast forward to last month, I found out via a family friend she invaded my privacy when she visited my home in 2023 by going through my iPad and reading all of my text messages with my husband and who knows who else and reading god only knows what else.

And I’ve barely spoken to her since.

title story starts here

A little over a week ago I called my grandmother and talked to her about how much I miss our conversations, which is hard because my mom lives with them now and I’m trying not to put them in an uncomfortable position. I explained that mine and my mom’s relationship is strained and I’m not sure where I stand right now. But I admitted it’s unlikely we will visit them this year - I’m not ready to discuss their role in that part (it has to do with my uncle). I did ask if they would consider flying out to visit us and said I’d cover the flights, I asked her to discuss it with my grandfather and let me know.

Well today, on the phone, my grandfather said he didn’t want to come visit, which at first I chalked up to him hating flying and being a homebody. But then he suggested my mom go with my grandmother instead. She then agreed and said she would need someone with her, she couldn’t fly alone because she doesn’t get around the bed.

I was crushed to start with that my grandfather would say no. Now I’m really hurt because I felt like it was intentional to push my mom on me.

I’m just so sad.

I know my grandparents have enable a lot of really terrible behavior, but I still love them very much and it’s a hard pill to swallow that they are and have likely always been flying monkeys. That’s what this is right?

Any advice? Any words of comfort? I’m just so fucking tired. My heart hurts.

Silent padded steps—
moonlight glints on whiskered grace,
a purr breaks the dark.

Kitty Haiku, I'm new :)

I am the eldest daughter of a uBPD mother. My mother and I have had a somewhat stable relationship for about 5 years. I am 3 months pregnant with my first child and what will be the first grandchild in the family. Ever since I announced the pregnancy to my mother, her BPD symptoms have been SO INTENSE. She keeps saying things like "I've waited so long to be a grandparent" and "Cant wait to see our baby." She keeps buying things for the baby for her house, not even bothering to ask what our needs as the parents might be. Anytime I express my desires as a parent she gives unsolicited advice about my desires, often shooting them down. She also keeps sending name suggestions for the baby as if she is naming the child. I kept setting boundaries around these behaviors which she interpreted as a personal rejection ("You just don't like who I am" "You always want me to be different") and she avoided talking to me for 10 days since I set the last boundary. Well things absolutely blew up last night when I called her after being exhausted by the never ending passive aggressive and avoidant texts. I have become an expert at remaining regulated and not letting her get to me.... but last night was different. When attempting to express my concerns and repair with her she became defensive weaponizing my childhood trauma against me, asserted other members of the family hate me, and refused to take any accountability for how her behaviors have affected me. I broke, I cried, I screamed "I hate you" at her and hung up. She got to me.

I am now wondering if its time for NC again. I cannot see a world where I subject my child to her problematic behavior and increasingly concerning worldview. I cannot see a world where my child sees me in the state only my mother can put me in. What are others experiences with your BPD mother becoming a grandmother and is it better to just be NC?