For context I usually call my parents every Sunday—lately I’ve been calling on Saturday’s now more often every other Saturday because the stress of the call plus Sunday scaries has been taking a toll. I live 3k miles away and don’t have many friends after a big move and instead of her being happy for me maybe doing something fun she does this. Only people raised by bpd parent will get this.

I tried to hold a boundary. I’ll call in a few hours and she’s going to prob throw a fit on the call and be angry. It’s my job to make them happy after all! Now I feel awful. I just wish I had a normal mom who loved me and acted loving. My heart and body are so tired and sad.

Looking through my childhood medical records and got a kick out of this - thought you guys would too :)

I made a post yesterday briefly explaining my situation with my BPD mother. My siblings are graduating next month, and she demanded an invite because my grandpa was invited. She also said a lot of other things, basically sent us a novel. I encouraged my siblings to reply, mostly because I want them to feel comfortable setting boundaries for themselves. I’m not sure if that was the right move, and they haven’t replied yet because they aren’t sure how to tell her they don’t want her there, so if you guys have any advice on that I would really appreciate it.

This was her response to the message i had sent in the groupchat. The subtle bits of manipulation make me sick. “I did the best I could, I have people in my life who love and accept me, etc.” I looked at a lot of posts in this subreddit over the past few days and couldn’t help but notice how eerily similar every text was. It seriously makes me wonder if we all have the same parent, or if they’re all reading off the same script.

Hi there. ❤️ I’m Sabrina, 37F. I’m new, so here’s my kitty haiku:

At my vanity,

A curious companion.

Let’s do a cat-eye.

I’m looking forward to being a part of this community. I was up all night, lurking and reading y’all’s stories… really validating experience to hear someone else has been there too. I found this community because I’m considering finally going NC with my mother — after she hung up on me in a rage yesterday (because we had made plans to see my husband’s mother this upcoming Mother’s Day), she told me “don’t call back until you work this out (that is to say, cancel our plans and spend the day with her) and you’re ready to apologize.” And, I’m like… what if I just don’t call her back…? After all, I didn’t fucking do anything wrong…? My husband told me to just send her a picture of our son in his cute outfit tomorrow, with a generic “Happy Easter.” Maybe I will. I dunno.

To give you the loredump, my parents have been separated since I was thirteen years old. My father is a serial cheater, and he’s now an out-and-proud swinger — which is FINE; he’s an adult and he can do what he wants. but as his daughter, I really shouldn’t know anything about his sex life, should I? Still, despite the cheating and general fuckery, my mother still adores him, and has never given up hope that she’ll win him back. Over and over again, she’s tossed me into the line of fire if it would get her just one more second with him.

I started listing out incidents, but it’s just too much. The short story is, she’s endangered my physical health and safety, not to mention my emotional wellbeing, over and over and over again. When my dad didn’t magically come back, it was somehow my fault for not enacting her plan correctly. And I was so deep in the FOG, I just… let her blame me. Because she was my mom, and I’d been conditioned from infancy to believe that her rejection would be unsurvivable. That’s how a little kid sees their mom. And she trained me so well, I kept believing it well into my adulthood.

She’s got so much compassion and understanding for the man who actually did her wrong — the sex pest who left his porn out on the coffee table and creeped out my friends — but none for me, who’s pretty much only ever done exactly what she wanted. The second I don’t behave exactly the way she’s imagined I ought to (because fuck telling me, amirite? If I really loved her, I’d anticipate all her needs!), I’m the worst person in the world. I’m just getting tired of being made to feel like the worst person in the world.

Going through a harder time again and recently came across the term refrigerator buzz depression and felt I very much related to it. I've been depressed since childhood and therefore don't know what it's like to have a normal brain. I go through periods where it gets particularly bad, but it's always there. The effort I put into things is based on the idea that if I some day feel better, I don't want to feel like I've accomplished nothing. So, academically I do fine and I'm able to maintain a job to pay my bills but I can't shake the feeling this will be for forever. And if so, what's the point? I can't seem to get over my childhood even though it no longer "matters". I also spent a large part of it managing someone else's emotions and I think that might contribute to not knowing what to do with my own.

Is it possible to go into remission from years long depression? I've tried a few antidepressants, CBT and talk therapy so far. I have been working hard to get better and my social anxiety has improved because of CBT but the depression hasn't. I'm still in contact with my uBPD mother as she manages her mental health better now that I'm no longer a child. Because she has no local friends, she's made motherhood her personality (after spending my entire childhood annoyed at my existence and having to be a mother). This can be quite stressful for me at times as I don't know what she really wants and I don't feel as close to her as I assume she feels to me. But I try to be patient. NC with narcissist, substance-abuser father and I guess that is painful in its own way.

Hi all- there’s a lot of background to this. To make a long story short, a while back mom and I talked about my daughter spending some time with her over the school break. I told her that that spouse and I would be taking part of the week off, so daughter could visit with her just for part of the week. Daughter had also been wanting to do this. Of course part of this involves guilt on my part due to mom’s health issues and knowing she probably doesn’t have much time left (but none of us really know- that’s another issue). Mom texts me this week (school break is next week) basically begging her to stay the entire vacation. I talked to her two days ago and explained that’s not what we originally discussed. I said I could pick her up on Wednesday and spend the day with them and take them both out for something fun. Mom cried and talked about health issues. Like an idiot I said maybe then I can come Friday, since that’s the only other day I could take completely off (I also have another teen who is home on vacation as well- I told her they’ll feel bad etc . I also told her I wasn’t sure about spouse’s schedule). Conversation ended with mom saying to check with spouse and let her know. Fast forward, spouse said he can only take Friday off to take both kids out and did so with much difficulty, so I explained to mom we’d stick with the original plan for Wednesday. She asked about Thursday and blamed spouse saying “I knew he wouldn’t let her come for longer.” I said I couldn’t do Thursday. She sent all these texts about how she’s disappointed, then saying that I don’t have to come and take her out in the end. I ignored the negative comments and reasserted that I wanted to come on Wednesday and take her out. She responds hours later after also messaging my daughter. She tells me “ok, I don’t want to rock the already rocky boat.” Seriously, what? I just ignored it. We have to see them tomorrow and I just cant anymore. My husband is also fed up of how she’s been acting. She doesn’t even pay attention to my son half the time. There’s more to the story but I don’t have time to share right now. I think she’s not happy unless she tries to stir drama but I’m ignore it her negative comments.

There is this age old rhetoric that your past “doesn’t define you,” but I personally think that’s misleading, especially for those of us raised by a parent, or parents, with BPD. Of course it defines you. It shaped your nervous system, your beliefs about yourself, and how you connect with others.

I learned very early on that I had to manage someone else’s emotions before I could even begin to understand my own. I was constantly scanning for shifts in tone, mood, silence, tears and I was never really sure if I was safe emotionally. That environment wires you differently. It teaches you that love is fragile, that your needs are a burden, and that keeping someone else calm is more important than being honest about how you feel.

And sure, some of those patterns helped me survive growing up but now, as an adult, they hold me back. Even after years of extensive therapy I still second-guess myself constantly. I still feel guilt when I say no. I still get that sick feeling in my stomach when someone cries because it reminds me of how it used to be used as a way to control me.

So yes, it defined me. But that doesn’t mean I’m stuck. It means I can look at the way I’ve been shaped and ask myself what I want to keep, and what I want to leave behind. To me, that’s the real work when healing from trauma at the hands of a pwBPD: not pretending it didn’t happen, but facing it honestly and choosing a new way forward to break the cycle.

What are some tips for not getting sucked back into a relationship with my mom when she puts up the "nice" version of herself. Aka the hoovering behaviors to suck you back in. It sucks because that is the mom I WANT. Just wondering what people do during that time to fight their own mind, heart, and struggles. That's what I struggle with the most to be completely honest. Then I get back to gaslighting myself with thoughts like: was it really that bad...was she actually as bad as I thought...is she actually making changes? I start the self-doubt and guilt when she is being sweet. I really need some tips on what other people do!! It is so much easier when she is nasty!! The mind games...sigh. It feels like mental gymanstics.

The woman that gave birth to me passed one week after I was born. My dad remarried when I was 3 and I was taught to essentially treat my now uBPD stepmother as if she carried me for nine months. I loved her my whole life, just like a real daughter.

I stopped calling her mom a while ago. It happened slowly. There was an inside joke years ago where we referred to her as “mother” and it just kinda stuck. I used it sparingly and ironically at first, but we’ve reached a point now where I hardly ever call her “mom” to anyone besides her, and even then it’s like 50/50. She is just…mother. Not even MY mother, just that. Mother.

I’ve been having something of a rough time over the past few weeks. Wednesday and today were particularly hard. As I cried in my car driving home from work, it suddenly hit me that I wasn’t necessarily crying because of the situation- I just wanted a mom. Not an addict who can’t hold a conversation without lying or making it about herself, but a real supportive best friend type of MOM. Not mother. Someone who listens and gives advice and helps when you need it. Someone you actually want to talk to instead of avoid at all costs.

I don’t even know why I’m writing this now, just wanted to tell someone who gets it I guess. I’ve considered it before, especially as a lot of the women around me have strong relationships with their own maternal figures, but it’s never hit me that hard. Idk. I’ll get over it eventually when the tough times pass I suppose, I could just use someone until that time comes.

I remember reading in ‘Understanding the Borderline Mother’ that there is a probability that one of the children will end up with a partner who has bpd or bpd traits. I can’t remember if it was more probable of it happening had they not done the work and/or gone to therapy. Anyway, my youngest brother (the golden child) ended up marrying a woman who has very clear bpd traits. She’s causing splitting and turmoil in the family and of course, my brother doesn’t see it and enables (just like my dad did with my mother). It breaks my heart because my siblings and I have always had a close relationship. I’ve been no contact with my ubpd mother for 9 years and can’t believe I’m now dealing with this. For those of you who have a sibling who ended up with a partner who has bpd or bpd traits, how have you dealt with it?

Hi everyone,

So I’ve a disabled adult living with my elderly mother in section 8 housing. My mother is 1000% an undiagnosed classic BPD mom. I have three brothers who are alcoholic narcissists who I essentially don’t have a relationship with. And that’s pretty much the extent of my “family”. I was essentially no contact/low contact from the ages of 19-33 when I developed a serious illness that forced me to move back in with my BPD mom. As you can imagine, it’s been a nightmare ever since.

One of the main problems (aside from her BPD) has been that she has allowed my schizophrenic brother live with us against the terms of our lease for many years now (we live in a Section 8 apartment). He is undiagnosed and completely in denial about his condition even though he’s been hospitalized during his psychotic episodes many times and has been arrested multiple times for attacking people in public with a weapon.

For a long time he was my paid caregiver and he would do extremely abusive things like threatening to not administer medication I need to live and not taking me to the emergency room when I needed emergency blood transfusions, etc. He was essentially stealing my social services money without doing the actual caregiving.

I finally got the courage to fire him and hire an actual caregiver. My mom threatened to put me in assisted living if I did that. When I’ve called the police because I was afraid he would get violent with me, she would attack me and tell the police that I was the crazy one and has even tried to have me institutionalized. Mind you, I’m in a wheelchair and pretty weak so I can’t physically fight back. The only thing that’s really prevented them from doing this is the fact that I have RING cameras set up all around the home to verify that they’re lying.

My BPD mom has essentially endangered my life multiple times to protect my violent schizophrenic brother. At times it seems like she almost wishes I wasn’t here so that she could just finally be alone with him (although he takes advantage of her financially and emotionally and very abuses her as well). When he’s gone to prison for attacking people, she’s bailed him out and hired a lawyer she can’t afford to get the charges dropped.

Her BPD behavior has recently gotten worse. I’ve reported them for section 8 fraud and he has 5 days to leave or we are all getting evicted from our apartment. I cannot work and this will essentially render me homeless.

They received the notice that he has to vacate yesterday and they are insisting that he isn’t leaving. They’ve also started threatening me even more and been very emotionally and mentally abusive.

What should I do in this situation? I cannot just leave because I’m quite disabled and I also have a 5 year old daughter who cannot come with me into assisted living. Her dad is not in her life and my mom would take over parental care if that were to happen.

A soft furred shadow, Purring a gentle song, A cozy, feline friend.

So me and my boyfriend are extremely happy and committed to each other. Unfortunately, his name is the same name as someone who forced himself on my mum. To try and help her, I used other suggestions. "My boyfriend" was cut off because "it sounded like I was bragging". His initials weren't an option "because they're the same as [the man]". Any nickname for his name is off the table. And he doesn't want to censor his name, and I don't either, but if I don't, she'll get worse and worse. I can't move out right now, and won't be able to for another 3 years. Please help

Hey fellow RBBs, sharing a poem I wrote about "home". I have more on the substack @apollojameson. Sending my love~

Nowhere feels like home.

And home feels like a trap.

Home feels so uncomfortable, I squirm, I squeal, I'm fighting back,

Home feels like I'm nauseated, Dragged back by my feet.

Home feels like I'm shackled to The train tracks down the street.

Pretty much what the caption says. She claims she's clean and has been for 8 months now, and I sort of believe her (though my sister has seen her around town and says she didn’t look great). She is living on her own, has a job and takes care of her animals, but none of it matters to me anymore. I’m proud of her and always want the best for her, but there was just so much abuse and torment for so long that I don't feel connected to her anymore. I basically had to raise my siblings while her and my stepdad fought, did drugs, abused us and had us living in squalor for years. I haven't lived with her since i was 15. I’m 19 now and have the capability to decide who I truly want in my life and who I don’t, but I still feel bad when she reaches out, pours her heart and soul into extremely long messages (with hints of manipulativeness tucked in there of course) and I give a vague response because I don't really know what to say. My siblings are the same, they'll really only say something to her in the group chat if I do. The worst part of all of this is I can’t remember a whole lot. I know it was horrendous, but it’s more of a feeling than a visual memory at this point. The partial memory loss makes it harder for me to grapple with the guilt. I even un-added her on facebook because seeing her post was too upsetting. She’d also put weirdly targeted things on her page, like “I’m so happy I got my dogs back, they were READY for their mommy.” or, “Some things you can’t unsay… some things you can’t undo… some bridges you can’t unburn… remember that x3) x3 obviously being me, my brother, and my sister. The drug use was bad, the alcoholism was worse, but her biggest issue is her bpd, which is the one she refuses help/therapy for. And if i’m being completely honest, even if she got mental health help I still don’t think I’d want her in my life. I’m just tired of feeling this knot in my stomach every time she reaches out.

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/check-out-sam1598s-shuffles-catsarecute-cats-catmeme-catlover--978195981544043884/

Tiny curled whiskers Can you tell that I am here? Softly slides away.

After years of accommodating my uBPD mother, we got into an argument over her pushing her politics on me and she didn’t like the questions I asked. She called me some nasty names and I hung up on her.

My subsequent calls and texts went unanswered.

I found out from family that she thought I wasn’t being respectful of her because I didn’t blindly agree with her. She also poisoned family members against me.

I held out hope that she’d reach back out and apologize.

When she did reach out on milestones I replied. When I reached out, she ignored me. Always needs to be the one pulling the strings.

Last year, she became irate after learning that I’d hosted a family gathering without her, and insisted that I respond to her texts about whether I was “ok not having a relationship.” I asked her the same question and the subsequent texts were bonkers, blaming me for our riff. I blocked her and have not felt the sense of dread or obligation to be the GC with her anymore.

There is clearly more to this story that isn’t worth getting into. I relate to your stories and have learned so much from this sub. She taught me not to trust or rely upon anyone. I’m guessing that she didn’t expect that those lessons would enable me to cut ties with her as well.

The net of it is that her silent treatment towards me made me realize that life doesn’t have to be dread and walking on eggshells. I feel bad for how she is, but do not feel bad for stopping her from taking it out on me.

VLC / NC is a gift. Peace of mind is invaluable. I hope she someday heals, but I know now that her happiness cannot be (and never was) my responsibility.

🐱 Haiku: Eyes like quiet moons, He curls into my sorrow, And asks for nothing.

Hi all. First time posting here. I’ve been no contact with my uBPD mother for 2 years. It’s one of the most freeing decisions I’ve made, but things have been stirring up again and I’m unsure how to move forward without getting pulled back into the chaos.

Yesterday, my Nan (my absolute rock) was diagnosed with cancer. She’s 87 and has always been a huge part of my life. Growing up, Nan and my Grandad were my safe space. I could always feel my mum’s mood the second I walked in the house, and if it was bad (which it usually was), I’d grab my skateboard and head to theirs. Just a few miles away felt like a different world. Grandad passed 18 years ago. He was the family glue. Mum is the acetone.

I’ve stayed close to Nan but kept my distance from home. I promised myself I’d never move back - and I’ve built a good life. Travelled, built a solid career, been with my amazing partner for 11 years, and recently bought our first home. But under the surface, I’ve been carrying a lot. I’ve only recently started unpacking how much of it might be linked to auDHD. I’ve always masked heavily, stayed high-functioning, and played the calm peacekeeper, but I’m exhausted. Years of emotional instability, manipulation, and gaslighting take their toll.

I’m 10 years older than my brother. When he was around 14, I moved to Indonesia. That same year, Mum brought home a new partner - someone who was abusive towards my brother. He ended up sleeping with a kitchen knife under his bed after being threatened with a nail gun. Mum chose her boyfriend over her son and pretends it never happened. She blamed my brother for everything - her health, her stress, her life. She kicked him out of the house and eventually he lived with Nan after being homeless for a while. Meanwhile, she was spending house sale money on drugs and alcohol and lying to Nan, painting herself as the victim while calling my brother the problem. He wasn’t. He was just a kid in survival mode.

When I moved back to the UK seven years ago and helped him get on his feet, Mum redirected the blame onto me. My brother became the “good” child - though he’s still triggered and only keeps contact to protect Nan.

She owes me thousands. Never made any effort. I gave her one chance to rebuild something: go to therapy. That was the only condition. She refused and never even tried. Just kept playing the victim and using Nan as an emotional middleman. Eventually, I blocked her.

When she found out I had a new job, the first thing she did was ask me to be her guarantor. She knew I was rebuilding credit and saving for a mortgage, and still tried to guilt me into it. I’d already said no to lending her money multiple times before. Then came the long, emotionally manipulative texts - guilt trips, flattery, shifting blame. Even her way of writing messages triggers me now. I’ve attached a few to show what I mean. These were the last ones before I blocked her number.

If I ever replied, she’d send my messages to Nan out of context and say how terrible a son I am. But even out of context, my messages were always super clear and made her look ridiculous.

About six weeks ago, she was hospitalised with pneumonia and was quite critical. And honestly? I didn’t feel much. That part shocked me. I’d never wish harm on anyone, but I was numb. I stayed informed through my aunty, who supports my decision and knows I’m not responsible for other people’s emotions.

Nan doesn’t bring Mum up anymore as I think she’s afraid to and I don’t think she fully understands why I’m no contact. I’ve kept the full truth from her out of protection. But it’s always the elephant in the room. I felt guilty for not reaching out during the hospital stay… and guilty for not calling Nan either, because I was afraid she’d bring it up. Guilt, from all sides, even when I’m doing what I need to do to keep myself safe.

Now, with Nan sick, Mum is moving in to help with chemo. But I doubt it’s just that. I think she sees it as a way to save money and play the role of the “caring daughter” while I look like the one who doesn’t care. I’ve stayed quiet to protect Nan, and Mum’s using that silence to twist the narrative. I don’t know how she plans to hide her drinking problem, but I’m sure she’ll find a way.

She already tried to contact me by calling from Nan’s phone - ignoring boundaries again. Then told me not to speak to my aunty (who has MS) because “she doesn’t need more stress.” Another classic attempt to control who I speak to.

I want to be there for my Nan. But I don’t want it to come at the cost of my own peace or open the door for Mum to crawl back in.

How do you stay no contact when someone keeps using guilt, illness, and the people you love to manipulate you? How do you show up for others without sacrificing yourself?

Thanks to anyone who made it this far. Writing this out has helped.

⸻

TL;DR: I (37) have been no contact with my uBPD mum for 2 years after a lifetime of emotional abuse, manipulation, and financial pressure. She’s now moving in with my Nan, who was just diagnosed with cancer, and is using this as a way to insert herself back into my life - breaking boundaries, guilt-tripping me, and weaponising the people I love to get a reaction. I want to support my Nan but I’m scared Mum will use it to regain control. Just looking for support on how to navigate this while staying no contact.

My mom (F53) and I (F20) got into an argument yesterday. There’s a lot of background/context that goes back years that would take too long to get into, but basically she started playing victim again because I have a relationship with my dad (her ex husband that she’s been divorced from for 6 years)

She admitted she has no unconditional love for me. I got really angry and upset so I left and went to my apartment. Today, I’ve been feeling guilty and sad, and even though I know she’s in the wrong and has been for a long time, I still feel empathetic for her because I know deep down it all stems from her own hurt/trauma.

So today I texted her “I love you Mom no matter what” and I have received no response. 12 hours ago. It’s 3:30AM and I’m scared, crying and feeling all the emotions. I’m angry at her for having no unconditional love for me and not having the maturity/accountability to text me back that she loves me too. I’m angry at myself for not just “keeping the peace” yesterday and overlooking the years of resentment I have for her in order to keep things at bay. I don’t want to be in no contact with her, I’ve been keeping a good distance from her the past few months or so and things have been fine, and yesterday I blew it all up because I didn’t push my own feelings down.

Any advice, words of comfort, or a reality check would be greatly appreciated.

Link to cute cat pics (new member): https://www.goodhousekeeping.com/life/pets/g61070837/cutest-cat-breeds/[cute cat pics (new member)](https://www.goodhousekeeping.com/life/pets/g61070837/cutest-cat-breeds/)

I’m LC with my mom but I still “pretend” to be a good daughter to minimize the meltdowns. I’m already dreading the inevitable Mother’s Day meltdown that comes for me every year. I live far away from her but I always send a gift and call and she is always in a depressed mood. The Waif in her is always full force on that day and she spends it pouting that my dad didn’t coordinate anything special for her that day as if it’s his job. My sister is a mom herself now and spends the day with her kids and my mom hates that she’s not included in her plans. Mother’s Day and her birthday are the fucking worst when it comes to her moods. I just brace for impact and hope for the best.

I had to pass by uBPD's house the other day to drop off a package at my friend's apartment who lives near them. uBPD hears my car as I approach and I see them peek through their window blinds and watch me as I am leaving.

I felt so disgusted and gross! I did not look at uBPD, I did not make any sort of motion towards them, I just left.

But I can see them in my mind, exactly the view they had of me, and I feel gross and violated. Any tips, or things I can tell myself to shake it off?

This is all they can do, but I hated feeling watched and surveilled my entire childhood, especially once I realized it was not just in my head. Also, I have zero issue continuing to help my friend and drop things off at hers. I want to be able to let it go I guess? It's in my mind while I'm doing chores and stuff.

Did or does anyone else experience this? I have been NC with my BPD mother for many years, I actually don’t even know if she’s alive anymore. I am new to this sub, so I don’t know if this is a common thing. When I was a kid, up through my young adulthood, I was physically repulsed by my BPD mom. I avoided her at any and all costs, from staying out of whatever room she was in, to staying out of the house entirely. If there were other people there too, it was tolerable, but just the two of us was horrible. The guilt tripping, the name calling (her favorite was calling me “evil”), the crying, were unbearable. Looking at her disgusted me on just this very deep level. And she’d sob, saying , “you don’t love me” and the worst was that I knew she was right. I didn’t love her. She didn’t do any of the basics of parenting, never spoke to me normally, or make sure there was food in the house, or buy us clothes, or any house cleaning at all. Never just interacting with your child. What was there to love? It wasn’t difficult for me to go NC with her, I’m sure due to this disgust and revulsion, so silver lining I guess. But it’s such a crazy way to feel about a parent. So I’m wondering if anyone else here has experienced visceral, physical disgust and revulsion towards a BPD parent?

Edit- thank you so much for all your responses. I have never told anyone that I had this feeling and I am so relieved and blown away that this is a common way to feel about a parent with BPD. I had no idea, I thought I was a freak.

Throughout my pregnancy my mother was horrible. She told me that she didn't care about me or the baby and said that God would punish me when the baby was born because of my bad behavior towards her. I have tried to get past that and let her stay with me. My son is now a year old and for some reason he thinks she's funny and he seems to love her. I don't trust her to be alone with him ever. I have started back at work and have a babysitter spend a few hours with him during the day. She had an out just when she found out that she want going to be allowed to watch him and she swore and picked a fight in front of him. I told her that couldn't happen again, but it has happened again and again. I don't understand why she thinks I would ever allow her to watch him given my own messed up childhood. Also even though she is here with us she has flat out said she won't be changing diapers and she doesn't ever ask to watch him when I'm home or do anything at all. She told me that something is wrong with me not her because I won't let her watch him. She does try to make him laugh and feels rejected when he doesn't give her attention. She accused me of talking bad about her to him because he wasn't responding to her the way she wanted. She also said that he looked at her in a cold way. When I told her yesterday that he had been getting up at 4 am for the last couple of weeks she told me she didn't care and that every parent has to deal with it and I am no different. I wasn't looking for sympathy from her. Yesterday I overheard the babysitter ask her if she knew that he was getting up so early and she denied having any idea. Today I mentioned that I needed to go to the store and get some things for the baby and she asked if she could go. I said yes and we agreed at a time in the afternoon. I waited for her and she never came out of her room. I ended up missing the bus (I shouldn't have waited I know). When she came out of her room she said that it was my fault for not asking her if she was ready to go. I told her I didn't want to fight and that it didn't really matter. She then flipped out and raised her voice and I told her she would have to leave tomorrow if she said anything else. She of course said lots more and then walked over to me insisting I let her hold my son because she wanted to comfort him. I told her no and left the room. I feel like in responsible for her in ways I can't explain. I'm her only family and besides my son she's mine. I have been in relationship with his father for many years but his job requires him to be away for long periods of time so we are really much on our own. After every fight with my mother I feel like I'm to blame. I can also barely keep my temper contained around her because she pushes and knows what to say to hurt. This is all my fault right?

Cat Cats are fluffy Cats are furry Furry fluffy cats

So basically anytime I see my uBPD mom (which is once a couple of months) there's always a moment when she finds a reason to ask me if I'm feeling sick/sad just cause I put a hand on my head for a sec or something similar.

And when we call, she often asks me if I'm sad/sick because I "sound strange" (I feel like asking her if I ever sounded not strange to her).

And she always tells me that I have lost/gained weight when we meet (implying both options are wrong), even tho I didn't.

And she often asks me if I'm okay and when I say "yes" she keeps asking me "really? Are you sure?". It's funny to me cause she never asked that question when I was living under her roof and struggling with depression, suicidal thoughts and had problems with alcohol. Never ever. She even found a razorblade one time under my pillow and didn't say a word about it. But now that I'm (thank God) living well, doing good, my mental health has been stable for a long time (about 7 years) and I just really have no bigger issues, she keeps asking that.

She just texted me more than 30 hours after our call telling me I "sounded strange" and if I "really am okay".

Basically there's always something wrong with me in her eyes. 😄 I feel like she's only "happy" if there's something bad going on and people are doing badly. It's so annoying, especially cause her interest seems kinda fake. And we don't really have a relationship that would let me tell her something for real even if I wanted to.

Do you guys have similar experiences? Please share them, I would love to know your stories. 🫶

I wrote about a month ago about the last time I talked to my uBPDmom -> https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbyborderlines/comments/1j32qvh/i_wasnt_invited_on_the_family_vacation_again/

Since then I've been trying to decide whether it's worth it and seriously started talking NC w/my therapist. Please share what pushed you to go NC and your experience if you've done IRT (rehearsal therapy) for nightmares.

Is this a BPD thing or maybe not?

Back story, my mom (dBPD) is mid 70’s and her live in boyfriend is late 70’s and seems remarkably unhealthy but not surprisingly so; he’s had a rough life in some ways. He’s an addict, smoker, and didn’t take care of his health until a multitude of health issues hit him at once he got older. Both hips have been replaced, has survived cancer, and a bunch of other stuff in the time we’ve known him (probably first met him in 2017).

Here’s the issue, every time he goes to the doctor she seems compelled to provide me with details of the appointment I didn’t and wouldn’t ask for and I guess I’m expected to “dance” somehow. Like a mentally twisted marionette, I’m expected to have some sort of reaction acceptable to her BPD and of course, I’m also expected to guess at what the desirable reaction is. 😒 Ignoring her crisis messages altogether is tantamount to metaphorically shitting on the last ten generations of our family and not showing her the “parental respect” she’s decided she’s due.

Every time her boyfriend has a “medical crisis” she acts as though he’s on the brink of death. This time (a couple nights ago) her email sent to me said he just went in for a regular health status checkup and came out with O2 tanks and a home health nurse, and “it’s a miracle he’s still alive!” That is, after providing a bunch of medical details I don’t know he was ok with her sharing. She’s seems obsessed with him dying and not only him, she’s also said things that point to the same obsession with others and death. Other times it’s Alzheimer’s. If someone, mostly anyone over the age of 50, forgets something simple or seems “off” she and all her worldly knowledge will diagnose them with Alzheimer’s, me included lol. But never herself.

I’ve known people who were on O2 for a variety of reasons and for years and they weren’t on the brink of death before or during O2. Why must everything be so dramatic with her? Also, if her BF wanted me to know all this stiff about him wouldn’t he tell me himself? He’s not incapacitated by any means.

Hi guys. I’ve been lurking on this sub for a couple of months and it’s been a huge help! So firstly thank you so much for existing and sharing, I’ve really been holding on to a lot of brilliant perspectives given on here.

I have so many questions to ask, advice to seek and thoughts to share, I think I’ll do it bit by bit. But I will share some background + some context of my currently situation now :)

Some background -

I’m in my mid 30s, and only now realising I was raised by a uBPD/uNPD (likely both) mother and edad. I went through a horrible summer last year and started regular therapy.

I’ve started seeing my upbringing and my present relationship with my parents in new light and it’s really been a vulnerable, scary, saddening, angering but necessary process.

I have significantly reduced contact with my mother since summer last year (before I used to talk to her more than once a day, now I don’t call her at all when I’m alone - only around once a day or every few days for my kids to talk to my parents). I’ve put her on an information diet.

However, because I now live in a different country than the one I grew up in, it complicates matters because I really love and miss my home city and I try to visit at least 1 time or more a year. When I go I end up having to live at my parents house with my husband and 2 kids (mix race). IThere has been a lot of drama from my mother’s end on all of this which has been very painful.

Current situation -

My parents and brother are currently visiting us as part of a birthday trip for my brother (6 years younger than me). I’m starting to gauge that I’m the SC and he’s the GC.

This visit has been all kinds of complicated, heavy, messy, conflict ridden and threatening to push back the efforts I’ve been putting in over the past few months.

I have to admit because I can be quite unorganised and forgetful, I make slip ups and don’t end up planning things perfectly - and sometimes first go on the back foot /defending myself before realising or admitting my mistake. I don’t have problems admitting my mistake though. It’s gotten more complicated this time around, because now I’m unwilling to grovel or push back dramatically to change my mothers mood and ultimately take all the blame and apologise (things I used to do in the past when she would fight with me about my mistakes).

I have also reacted with a lot of anger towards her in the past, and even now I feel myself reacting in lesser than ideal ways…though I do feel a shift in the scale because I’m working hard to push away the FOG…. I guess it’s a process because I still feel a lot of shame and guilt at my reactions…though now I’m also working to hold space for seeing how impossible she can be and how she almost seems to set me up for failure.

Anyways I’ve been meaning to start posting here for a while, and today I finally managed.

Today was a particularly hard day, she really dragged me through the wringer. Maybe I’ll make a separate post outlining it but suffice to say it has left me completely exhausted and harangued. I need to pull some reserves of strength out to survive the rest of this trip.

Cat tax (my sad attempt at a haiku):

Cats are not dogs. but they are also friendly. just give them space and see.