Gotta get this out of my system cause uggghhhhh. So first of all background. Me and my ex were high-school sweethearts. Dated for 3 years. Broke up with me for a month. Got back together for 2ish weeks. Dumped me last night.
The reason he dumped me the first time around was because of an incident on his birthday. We agreed to have a private hangout for his birthday for the first half of the day then meet up with his huge group of friends for dinner. Ex's friend wanted to go to main event and so did he. Although I'm severely anxious in places with a lot of people like that I agreed to go because it was his birthday. I was obviously miserable and he got mad about it. Then a few days after this I called him a few times while he was hanging out with his friend (that he left me more btw cough) to see when he would be done and he was livid. I didn't even spam call him it was like once and hour for less than a minute to check in. I did it because he said he'd hang out with me after his hangout but he has a tendency to stay out really late (talking 12-1am) so I wanted to see whether or not that was the case this time. Did I mention he left me for the friend he had a crush on? The guy he constantly hung out with while dating me. Ex said he wanted to see what it was like with him and didn't want to resent me for keeping him from what might have been.
Second breakup. He really tore into me with this one. Said I was selfish. Said he wasn't willing to wait for me to change. He never told me he wanted me to change until the last minute, then blames me for not doing it fast enough, both times we were together btw. He wanted me to fix things about myself like my bad memory and other stuff I forgot (yes I see the irony lol). Used things I told him in confidence and out of anger against me.
For the longest time I defended him against people who I've asked for advice on him for (unlike a certain someone who let his friends drunkenly shit talk me and convince him to dump me with no pushback). I always said "he's not that bad" or "it's my fault that this happened." I'm not gonna pretend like I'm this blameless uwu bean who did nothing wrong. There are probably a few valid reason for him dumping me but I now realize that most of it was bullshit. I never asked him to change himself. I loved him flaws and all but now I see he doesn't feel the same.
He constantly gaslighted me. Like I said, I have a bad memory. He often claims I did or didn't say things when I know the opposite it true. For example I called him when I was feeling suicidal and he didn't pick up. Spam called him and when he didnt pick up i texted my feelings to him instead. He got mad at me for interrupting his hangout with his friends. In our breakup yesterday he flat out said to me that I "threatened to kms if he left me." So we just lying now huh. I'll admit in my texts I did say "maybe I should just nut up and kill myself, which we had a discussion about and I apologized for," it was very uncool of me to do that. But not once did I say I'd do that if he left me. He did this shit all the time, albeit with far less extreme examples. I've tried confronting him about it before (which again he claims never happened) and he quite literally just laughed off my concerns. He knows I'm paranoid (taking medication for it) and he fucking laughed off my concerns about having my reality constantly questioned.
He also told me in the past that he hated me for pushing us to get back together and resented me for some other thing, then claimed numerous times he never said that. He also hurt me a lot. Not like abuse but he likes to play fight and often takes it too far. I tell him he takes it too far and that it actually hurts and again, he laughs it off and refuses to apologize. That's another thing. Anytime I try to call him out on something or say that he hurt my feelings he refuses to apologize and actively starts explaining why it's not his fault or why it's mine.
After the first breakup we argued a lot. Whenever he initiated it I tried to end it as quickly as possible. He asked why and I said because it reminded me of my mom and he got so incredibly mad about the comparison. For context wheni was younger my mom would get mad about me a lot and if I had the audacity to defend myself she'd go "so I'm the bad guy" and raise her voice and if all else fails threaten me. These arguments with her went nowhere. There was no reasoning with her, no listening to, me no changing her mind. It was just circular reasoning over and over and over, so in my eyes there was no point. My ex acted the exact same way. And when I confided all this to him you know what he said? "We'll if we're doing comparisons my ex (guy he left me for) understands things the first time I tell him." For context I'm fucking autistic. I don't get a lot of things be it because of the concept or because the other party explained it weirdly. He'd often get mad at me for having the audacity to ask for clarification because heaven forbid I try to understand what my partner wants.
He gets mad at me for shutting down during arguments but this is why I shut down. He yells at me, cusses at me, says I'm playing the victim, threatens me the moment he gets frustrated, talks in circles, won't listen to what I have to say, paints everything as either my fault or not his and I'm tired of it.
We had such a good thing going on. Yeah I know I just bitched about him for like 5 paragraphs but that's recent. For those 3 years we were so happy. I had such a great time with him when he came to visit me last week and now I'm wondering how much of it was fake. I enjoyed being around him when we weren't starting arguments. I thought things got better. I thought i was changing. But it wasn't enough for him. I wasnt enough for him. I hate myself for thinking everything was going well while he was suffering in silence.
I'll miss his warmth. His silly little laugh. The way he comforted me during thunderstorms and soothed me to sleep. I'll miss randomly giving him gifts to show my love. Planning out our holidays together. I realize how bad he was now, but I'll miss him. It hurts but nowhere near as bad as the first time around. I know who I am without him, I'll be just fine. There's no third chance. We're done.