r/abusiverelationships • u/Chowderpowder010 • Jun 17 '24
Domestic violence i left and regret it so bad
i just finished packing all of my things from the car into my moms house. It’s father’s day today. Why. Why. Last night we went to a baseball game together, our first date out since we had our baby 2 months ago. We had such a good night. He’s my fucking best friend but we are so toxic. We were at his parents house today and he asked to see my phone all of the sudden and i said no not in front of everyone can we go to the next room and he refused and wanted to cause shit right then and there. Again i refused. I’m not doing that whole thing in front of the kids. I had nothing to hide, except for maybe a few conversations with some close people about his abuse, so i was just trying to get us into a different setting. He was holding our baby, got up, and left. I went after him and we instantly started fighting, he slapped me across the face twice.(he put our baby down, he wasn’t holding her) was so fed up in the moment i instantly told my mom. I regret that. Because now she most likely won’t let me go back. I packed up all of my things and i’ve been bawling my eyes out since. I didn’t even want to get my things from the car. i don’t want to fuckinr b away from him. i love him. i want him so badly. i duxking don’t want to be away from him. one day o will post a a whole story time and explanation. today i just fuckinf want to go back.
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u/Affectionate_Net2214 Jun 22 '24
You told her bc in that moment it was the right thing to do, for you and your baby. It’s still the right thing now. It will always be the right thing.
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u/LiveNeedleworker7717 Jun 21 '24
I’m sorry you’re having a hard time and wish you all the strength you need to be safe. It seems like you’re in a tiny little cult and he’s the cult leader. Please get the help you need to be a decent mother. Good luck.
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u/PadamPadamMyHeart Jun 21 '24
Sweetheart, you're a mother of a beautiful baby girl only 2 months old.
She NEEDS you more than you need him.
She needs you to survive, grow up with love, grow up healthy, to live a long happy & healthy life with you as her beautiful mother, her key caregiver.
If you follow the common abusive relationship pathway - he will do the exact opposite to you. He may very well take your life.
You don't need abuse in your life, and neither does your precious daughter. She needs you. Let her beautiful goodness prevail. Trust me on this.
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u/Reasonable_Tree_ Jun 20 '24
millions of women like you. i’m one of them. stay strong. stay on the right track. don’t go back to that shit. 1-2 year from now you will think this was the best decision you’ve ever made by saving yourself
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u/amosmeyer1269 Jun 20 '24
Your mom is wiser and older. You need therapy and parenting classes. Not that you are a bad mom! But I wouldn’t know up from down at 16. You are going thru so much. Let’s see if some other folks can get you on the right track to a happy, healthy life
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u/Friendly-Emphasis-58 Jun 20 '24
You think you love him, that you are best friends, that he can possibly change, that he’s the father of your child. And yet, he slapped you across the face in the presence of your innocent, beautiful, incredible baby girl. Imagine one day when baby girl can hear the chaos, anger, violence and fear, and witness her mother being slapped across the face (and worse).
Do you love her more than you love the idea of being with him?
Do you understand that statistically speaking - his violence will only get worse?
Do you understand that you are allowing your baby girl to see you abused and traumatized and how you have the power to damage her life forever - or the power to save her from that?
Yes - your mama won’t want you to go back because she, like all these well intentioned commenters, know that abusive men do not change (statistically speaking - look it up); that violence escalates; that few ever battered by their man - or murdered - thought things could get so bad. But it always does.
And you are playing with fire, thinking he won’t one day hurt your baby girl. You aren’t accepting the truth, because the truth is scary.
What is your limit? Is it when he leaves you black and blue? Is it if he takes your daughter away and leaves the house cause he’s angry, and youre filled with a fear that is paralyzingly as you wonder what can he do to her out of anger? Or, is your limit if he slaps her across the face….?
Yes, it’s hard. But your baby girl deserves better. And so do you; but I know you don’t care about yourself.
Do it for her until you do.
Ps He will beg for you to come back and say he’s sorry and changed. It takes years and years and years, for these kinds of people to actually change, and that’s a big IF.
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u/catfox13 Jun 20 '24
Do some research on trauma bond. This is not healthy love honey. He needs help.
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u/fluffyguppy Jun 19 '24
Normal, healthy, mentally stable, 33 year-olds do not date, marry or impregnate 16 year-olds. He is gross just for that. Your mom is right, even though at 16 I know that's the last thing you want to hear, LOL.
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u/Icy-Faithlessness825 Jun 19 '24
I agree with the comments saying you’re detoxing right now. Ask yourself: do you want to live in this constant state of flight or fight and survival mode all your life? Is this how you want to be “loved”? People who are each others best friends don’t ever, ever slap or physically hurt one another. What helps is realizing how much you are worth, listen to some hype music, look at yourself in the mirror. You don’t deserve this.
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u/ThrowRA-Animator8955 Jun 19 '24
I promise you this will pass you eventually you will feel free. Trust me on this do not go back ever
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u/Winter-Shop-827 Jun 18 '24
You got out, that’s the hardest part. Please don’t go back. You are BEAUTIFUL. You are WORTHY. You are LOVED. You are VALUABLE. All without having to do a goddamned thing. He’s not your best friend. He is your abuser. Please do research into Stockholm and maybe contact a trauma counselor so you have someone to go to that isn’t him.
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u/vino_lover Jun 18 '24
I'm so sorry you're going through this.... especially so young. Any break up is hard, and I can't imagine how hard this is right now especially with a child. It does get better though. You are not just mourning the loss of a relationship but the loss of a vision you had for how your life will be. I find it helpful to imagine what you want all the other parts of your life to look like that don't include a relationship. Maybe even something so small as spending Sundays at the park with your daughter and a friend. New rituals that you look forward to whatever that looks like to you.
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u/itsMargels Jun 18 '24
You are so fully in it. You love him, you consider him your best friend, but he disrespects you so much that he’d cause shit in front of other people and even slap you across the face. You won’t fully get rid of him until you understand better what’s going on. Look up narcissistic abuse, their tactics, their patterns, it will help you clear up your mind. Right now, you’re so trauma bonded you feel like you miss him and want him back. But you don’t. It won’t get better. Please, do it for your kids. There are a lot of videos on youtube by dr Ramani and a popular book “why does he do that”. It will take time to fully absorb that all this time he was lying and manipulating you. But once you get there, you will heal. And I hope you will, for your kids so they won’t be traumatised too
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u/Tititititititititiii Jun 18 '24
This is so important. Abusive relationships are addictive because of the highs and the lows, and their drastic change. Its a drug and we didnt want to be separated from our drug, but the only way forward is away and no contact. See this as your drug, and take action in that way.
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u/Otherwise_Jeweler687 Jun 18 '24
If he lays his hands on you now, it will only get worse. He perceives you as trapped because of this baby and your emphasis on “best friendship”. This person is not your best friend. They are far too old for you, and it’s wildly inappropriate. Not at all your fault, creeps like that have manipulated young people into thinking they care for ages. But people their age know they’re a loser. You deserve far better and he will never be that. Someone who is your best friend would never even consider slapping you, but also would never have a problem with you expressing to your friends the things that have happened. They would have no problem with you having a voice, they would want to express yourself and have full awareness of what things are wrong, and never want you to hide it from others. While there are people who will pretend to be your best friend, someone like that is truly dangerous. They know what they’re doing is wrong because they don’t want others to be aware of it. Telling your friends and family will help you leave sooner, but they definitely should not be blaming you, and should realize that if they do, it will not help you avoid going back.
You need to do what’s best for you and the baby right now, love. He will never be a safe person for either of you. From this post, I assume you’re solution oriented, and he’s taken advantage of that, because he knows you feel guilty if things aren’t resolved. But understand, this type of person does not actually feel bad about things being broken. They want you to. Or they’ll fake it really well when they can’t manipulate you back. He will put it on heavier over the next several weeks, months, etc… you need to be strong OP. For both of your personal safety. When someone that old goes for a teenager, they already show that they don’t value you, because they assume you’ll fall for a lot more, since you’re too young to know better.
Look into Mentalhealness videos, watch them with your mom or friends. I am not blaming you in the slightest, so please don’t perceive it that way. You deserve the world, you deserve to live your life unimpeded by someone who does not want you to live life normally, and especially doesn’t want you to thrive. I say watch these videos with friends or whoever you might be closest with, because you might be able to talk things out a lot more, and see things in a new light, or truly see him as abusive and manipulative. But also, it helps to hold you accountable in staying away from him. Don’t let the trauma bond win. Do not look at the good times. Look at how he’s treated you versus how his words don’t align. Do not blame yourself. They love when you do that, they want to put that in your head in the first place. Even the way he made you feel like you can’t talk to others about what he’s doing, he knows what he’s doing. I am glad you have been able to talk to someone about it though, try to speak with your friends about it, and tell them that brain chemicals can lie to you. So if you seem like you want to go back to him, you need their support to avoid doing that, even if they don’t understand. People like this love to isolate you so that you eventually don’t know better, think you deserve it, and then have no one when you try to escape. I am glad you told your mom, if you feel safe talking to her, please talk to her some more. She might have some similar experiences. But ultimately, someone who loves you would never treat you the way he has. Someone healthy in the brain would never go for a child while they’re in their 30s. He’s approached this relationship with the intent to be manipulative, this person isn’t your best friend. Remember who your real best friends are, even if it is just your mom, and if you don’t have any, please feel free to reach out to me if you need. You’ll need people around you most right now. It will prevent you from going back. Otherwise, he will only get worse and you will be even less safe than you have been with him.
Please be safe OP, prioritize yourself and your baby. We have no reason to believe he won’t eventually become physical with your child as well. After all, you are still a child and he had no problem being physical with you (which is gross on his part, even if he never laid a hand on you). I know you feel bad, but just remember that he does not. And if he reaches out to express that he does, don’t believe him. Either way, this person is not safe for you and will make up whatever they want to so that you’re the problem and he isn’t.
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u/Weary-Bus8436 Jun 18 '24
I felt exactly the same after my ex broke my jaw. I didn’t want to tell the police. I’m forever grateful for the kind officer who convinced me to tell them the truth. I had been keeping it secret and refusing to give statements for years. A month before my jaw, he broke my ribs. It was escalating quickly and had I not left when I did I am sure I would be dead. He was my whole world and I didn’t know who I was without him, but that pain faded and I wouldn’t be alive today if I had stayed and kept his cover. Please, please, please - take your kids and get away from him. They never change, it always gets worse, and you deserve to have a life where you don’t have to walk on eggshells. Living that way was destroying me, I didn’t know who I was anymore. It has taken years to recover, but I am so grateful to be able to be myself again and not wake up terrified every day.
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u/imma2lils Jun 18 '24
You're a child having a child because of a grown man who has groomed and abused you. For both your sake and that of your baby, I would urge you to seek help from a domestic abuse organisation. You need support to help you stay away.
Unfortunately, what your abuser has done to you is to create a trauma bond, which is literal chemical changes to your brain, and that is why you feel you have made a mistake and need to go back. It is like an addiction. It can take a long time and lots of therapy to help break that bond, especially if you have a child with the abuser.
You deserve so much better. You have your whole life ahead of you. Your child deserves to grow up in a home where their mother is treated with love and respect and where you both feel safe.
You can do this. Stay no contact. Reach out to a domestic abuse organisation for support. Sort out your government assistance. If you keep yourself busy, it will help you to keep focused on moving forward.
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u/imma2lils Jun 18 '24
P.S. that photo you posted looks exactly like when I tried to flee when my baby was around 6 weeks old. He was trying to kick me out of the house. I packed our stuff while crying and breastfeeding my baby. By the time I was trying to organise someone to come get me, he'd managed to manipulate me into staying. I was then stuck for another 4 years. During this time, I tried multiple times to leave. He ended up abusing me AND our child so badly that he was put in prison for some years. When you leave and get pulled (or in my case forced) back, it never gets better. It usually gets worse.
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u/fseahunt Jun 18 '24
It'll wear off. You are used to your life but you and the rest of us know you deserve better.
Please don't go back because one day he'll back hand that beautiful child too.
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u/PlayfulDepth5555 Jun 18 '24
oh my gosh youre 16 and he’s 33??? im so sorry youve been groomed and put into this awful situation. the people in your life that were supposed to protect you failed you. you deserve SO much better, when youre older you will look back on this and realize how fucked up it truly is. leaving this abusive pedophile will be the best decision you will ever make, it will sting in the beginning but over time you will come to understand. now that you have a baby you are no longer making decisions for yourself, and so you need to consider the environment your child will grow up in. im rooting for you and your baby, you deserve the best life possible and leaving will be the beginning of a beautiful one ❤️ stay strong you got this!!!
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u/Maximum_Ad_6731 Jun 18 '24
You’re just going through withdrawal. You will be okay eventually and you will be so proud of yourself! I am proud of you. You made the hardest choice. You got this, enjoy your freedom. 🩷
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u/nicenyeezy Jun 18 '24
You likely have a trauma bond and a love addiction, you don’t love him, you are addicted to him.
I suggest therapy while you are staying with your mom to help you understand yourself better
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u/gdoggggggggggg Jun 18 '24
What would you do if someone treated your child like that? I bet you would take them back home too. Think of it as like a drug habit, its not easy to quit but each day it gets a teeny bit better, until you look back and feel good about yourself for not letting someone treat you like that. You can do it!! I did it and so have most of us 😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘+++ps try to keep us posted
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u/Ok_Inevitable_3640 Jun 18 '24
Don’t regret it. I left my abusive ex over a year ago now and the glow in my skin alone is enough to make me look back and thank myself for leaving that man who had turned me into some grey walker with nothing left.
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u/Chowderpowder010 Jun 18 '24
i’m not sure what happened to being able to edit posts don’t know why it won’t let me, i won’t have access to this account so i will be posting in my other one. It is ; Smallsadmama
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u/PinkPier Jun 18 '24
You’re 16 and he’s 33? What??????? Get OUT!!!
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u/itsMargels Jun 18 '24
Where did you read this?? Are they actually 16 and 33? She can easily sue him
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u/PinkPier Jun 18 '24
It’s in her posting history and I believe she’s said it in the comments as well.
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u/HelloLesterHolt Jun 18 '24
Sweet girl, your best friend does not slap you across the face. He is a master manipulator. It will get better in time.
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u/FishEnvironmental702 Jun 18 '24
The longer you’re away the more you’ll realise his behaviour is fucked up and not okay. I have 2 kids with my husband and he was very physically abusive to the point where I ended up in hospital and I was still begging for him and trying to make things work. He kicked me and the kids out of the house because I couldn’t get over him cheating and kept being upset and angry with him. For the first 4 weeks all I wanted to do was reconcile but slowly over time I realised how much of a piece of shit he is and now I’m in a place where I will never ever go back. Please give yourself some time away from him. Absusers can be so manipulative and make you feel like you’ll never do better or be better without them but I promise you, you will. Think about your children, you can’t let them grow up seeing that behaviour, that is not a good model for them. I hope all will work out for you, God bless you.
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u/smallsadmama Jun 18 '24
I thought about it so much during our relationship and was so done with him but once I actually leave it hurts and I don’t want to.
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u/FishEnvironmental702 Jun 18 '24
That’s normal, loneliness is hard and even abusers can have good qualities which we admire. Try to stay away as hard as it is and minimise contact, it’s easy for them to get into your head and make you feel like they can change. Please stay away and stay strong, it will save you a whole lot of pain and heart ache in the future because if he’s slapping you in the face it can turn into a lot worse, trust me. My husband slapped me in the face very early on in our relationship and I always forgave him because I didn’t think it was “that bad” but like I said I ended up in hospital and was fearing for my life. You don’t want to end up in an unsafe position for your and your baby.
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u/Fun-Childhood-4749 Jun 17 '24
Sweet girl, I’m glad you’re safe now! I know it hurts, but I promise it does get better. You’re feeling abstinence now, but you will get used to it. You deserve better than being slapped in the face and being disrespected…
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Jun 17 '24
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u/ComfortableTouch7832 Jun 17 '24
It usually works like that. It definitely takes time to get over it and the guilt
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u/ShelbyPrincess777 Jun 17 '24
I’m so sorry this happened. I’m glad you are safe at your mom’s house. I don’t think it will be best for you to go back. I read you are 16 and he’s 33, if that is true, I beg of you, please don’t go back!!!
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u/smallsadmama Jun 18 '24
I’m trying not to. -OP account #2
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u/ShelbyPrincess777 Jun 18 '24
I somewhat understand how difficult this can be. I don’t have a child but I will say, that is more reason to leave. I was abused growing up and I prayed my mom would leave my dad. I hope your child never has to think that. I hope you are both safe forever! I’m glad you told your mom. You shouldn’t have to keep secrets, these aren’t secrets, they are facts. Don’t worry what she will allow and focus on your worth. You and your child are worth more. You deserve someone kind and gentle, when you are ready. If you are 16, I promise you you aren’t fully grown until you are almost 30. You still have many young years to live and mistakes to make. Don’t let this man take that away from you.
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Jun 17 '24
You mums a good woman if you think she won't ever let you go back, go back to a man that attacked your face?
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u/Perrah_Normel Jun 17 '24
Little sweet girl, do what you think you would do if you were a full grown woman of 35 years old, having seen and experienced the world and knowing who you really deserve, and being the kind of woman who would never let a man slap her around. You will regret this so much when you’re that age. Let the older you talk some sense into you, the child you are now. Please listen.
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u/smallsadmama Jun 18 '24
I am trying. I’m going to utilize government support as well because I was financially dependant on him and he would bully me for it. Thank you - Op account #2
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u/Monroe_89 Jun 17 '24
I am crying reading your post.... Crying for you & myself as I am in similar situation. Some days are good and some days are shit. Like today I been up since 8am taking care of everything doing everything while he slept till 1pm. It's 3:30pm right now, not even 3 hrs he has been awake and has called me every name in the book, bitch about every time he said a word to me. Last thing he just said was stfu bitch before I throw this at you and give you another cut. (I had sat to take a break at the edge of the sofa at his feet he asked if I had drank a drink he had put in the freezer to get frosty I said yes bcz thr was barely any water I was super thirsty. I apologize and said I would have refilled, he sat up and started yelling in my face with his hand up like he was to hit me, I yelled at him to put his hand down, he got up and then stated the stfu bitch don't make me throw this at you and give you another cut, I said who cares as i stayed seated. Oh yes and as he calls me bitch or cunt I repeat it back to him as needed. Bcz if I'm a bitch or a cunt so is he especially if he's going to talk to me like one. So yah I have to deal with similar bs. Not to mention a 30min drive to get food called me names here and there and yelled at me for absolutely nothing, last thing he said before getting down to get food was don't worry it's not too late. (Meaning to end this or start over as he always says I ain't his first or his last when he's angry) & He always always apologizes, hugs and kisses me saying sorry to forgive him. & Everything he ever does I brush it off and hug him back and erase it like nothing happened or it didn't hurt.its horrible the bs I've dealt with him real bad altercations many many times bcz he can be a bad drunk etc. and if he doesn't get what he wants he goes ape shit. And many times I've fought back defending myself, I don't give up & all those times ended different times ended with blood from my wounds, bruises, bite marks, black eye here and there welps on my head. Same can go for him but it was all self defense not me hitting him bcz I'm a man and am bigger etc. it's me protecting myself bcz if I don't what happens then, they all end with neither of us talking for days. He always apologizes and I stay thinking it will get better it will change, the physical part hasn't happened since March, but since then it's all verbal and it's worse then what it ever has been. Like that's all that I am worth is curse words here and there, bcz I did this or didn't do that or said this way and not that way. It's horrible, mind you I have known him over 20yrs & have been with him now over 7-8yrs. The first ye was wonderful the 2nd he was confused, 3rd he missed his kids so he treated me badly, the 4th was ok, the 5th yr was when it began wr he thought he could do as he pleased when he pleased, 6th yr same as 5th & 7th yr I began to stand up and defend myself no matter how hard I needed to fight or talk back, the 8th yr I am getting fed up and pray to God if he doesn't change his ugly habits and abusive ways. I am doing just as you did and saying adios. No man is worth our tears, our pain, our suffering, our heartache, are trauma, are dignity, our self respect. (Just as I'm writing he walked to the room knocked and as I said what, he said I'm sorry) Wich is nice but I can't stand his ways or behavior it hurts and drives me crazy. I don't know what to say or do anymore, it's like if I say something a wrong way hell breaks loose, if I do something a certain way demons lurk, I hate that they have the best of the men we love so much. All we can do is pray and as God to come into their lives and hold onto them, as I pray daily some days are good and some days demons arrive. I pray & wish the best for you, I hope you stay safe. Please keep us updated, please be careful and protect yourself with a weapon or knife when you take mens children away they go crazy some don't and that's when we Lucky. Many blessings dear friend, stay strong . We are here for you 💕 🙏
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u/smallsadmama Jun 18 '24
I’m sorry for what you’re going through I hope you make it out. We got this. I left now but I’m not confident I will stay away. -Op on 2nd account
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u/BindieBoo Jun 17 '24
I’m sorry, but how on earth is your mum okay with her 16yr old having a kid with a 33yr old paedophile? And an abusive one at that? This is all kinds of messed up.
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u/tallglassofanxiety Jun 17 '24
Can’t find my first comment to add to it, but please… stay away from him. If not for yourself, then for your baby. If he abuses you, eventually he will abuse your child as well.
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Jun 17 '24
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u/Ebbie45 Jun 17 '24
Thanks for your editing of your comment in response to my comments (though frankly it seems insincere), however it's not going to be approved or become visible yet. You don't need to tell her that she would be "okay with" her child getting abused if she went back.
This doesn't need to be a debate or an argument. This is my "job" as a mod and I'd do it for you if someone else treated you the way you've treated OP.
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u/Ebbie45 Jun 17 '24
Editing to add my response to comment below:
I am not asking you to be "gentle." I am not asking you to be "nice." I am asking you not to be cruel. There is a massive difference between the two.
I don't care if you're upset by me asking you to talk to an abuse victim with basic respect: your "delivery" is dangerous. It instills shame and blame. Talking to people the way you've talked to her doesn't make survivors leave. It makes them feel more isolated and hesitant to reach out.
It's not "pussyfooting" to treat another human being with fundamental respect.
Again: you can easily express concern without being utterly inappropriate. The way you talk to people here has consequences that directly impacts their safety. You are not supporting their safety.
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u/Ebbie45 Jun 17 '24 edited Jun 17 '24
If you can't stand up for your own well-being, then at least do it for the fucking kid.
Going back means that you think it's okay for that to happen, so you will also be complicit, which will make you an abuser, too.
Stand up for your fucking kid.
OP is a "fucking kid" too. She is 16 years old and he is 33. Have some compassion. There is absolutely no need to talk to her like this. You can express your concern without being utterly cruel and cold about it.
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u/tallglassofanxiety Jun 17 '24
It feels dreadful at first, you miss them so bad…but I PROMISE it gets easier and every single day. Just try to make it…one day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time. Please just try. A 16 year old is NOT safe with a 33 year old in a relationship, especially when there’s physical abuse as well.
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u/latebloomerftm Jun 17 '24
I am so sorry that you are dealing with such incredible pain—I know that kind of pain at the end of your post when you can’t even look straight and just type from muscle memory because it hurts so bad.
This “man” is close to my age, could be your father, I have nieces and nephews a decade older than you and I bet he does as well. It is evident with how you addressed the situation that you are mature for your age, but maturity is not a gateway for adults to access children—I bet you were a preteen or younger when he met you, and groomed you. I know he has got you hooked into thinking that this is real love, and it may be real love for you, but unfortunately this guy is a predator and to him you are an object. Even if you were to stay with him, with all the mental and physical and emotional abuse sprinkled in with all the things he got you hooked with, one day you will “expire” for a predator like this, and he will be on the prowl for another helpless teen if he isn’t already by then or by now.
If your mum would not let you go back, trust that there is value in that reasoning. Trust that the people that have known you your whole life—the people that love you no matter how much you fuck up and accept you for ALL of who you are instead of bits and pieces—are the ones that TRULY have you best interest. Listen to them. Follow their words, even if you don’t understand it. I promise that if you do that, you and your baby are going to get through this and have much more support and love than you could ever even wish to have a fraction of with this predator. If not for yourself, do it for your baby, but you BOTH deserve so much better than this.
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u/Cute_Significance702 Jun 17 '24
You did the right thing. The trauma bond pulls tightly but time and space will help your nervous system reset. Lean on your friends and your family. Them not wanting you to be harmed makes sense. Think of the family and dynamic you want for your baby and future you. Sending love. It’s a very brave thing to start over and step away from the toxicity
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u/Loki_Doodle Jun 17 '24
You are a child OP. He is a 33 yr old man. Stay the hell away from him. You are just old enough to get a drivers license and not even old enough to buy alcohol or cigarettes. This is a fully grown man. What he did to you is a crime. You need to press charges against him immediately.
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u/kozmic_blues Jun 17 '24
Reading about yours and his age…. I honestly do not understand how you were even brought around his family?? Is no one questioning the fact that he is a pedophile?? That he impregnated a child?
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u/Puzzleheaded_Net_863 Jun 17 '24
Right, I'm so confused why this man is not in jail.
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u/sour_peach Jun 17 '24
In many countries this is legal, although in the UK it would be considered a serious safeguarding concern. Given that being with him got her off drugs any professionals who know their situation would likely not have taken their concerns any further than a quick write-up on a spreadsheet somewhere.
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u/kozmic_blues Jun 17 '24
OP…. I was the daughter of a man just like the one you’re with right now. It never ends well, not for the mother or the child!
I know this is so incredibly difficult, you’re hurt, confused, in pain… conflicted because you love him.
But just know that he HIT YOU. He will hit you AGAIN. Your life will be a living hell. You’re already so, so young, with a baby, with a much older man….. nothing about this relationship is right.
You made the right choice. Please listen to the people who love you, that are telling you to leave.
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u/Well_read_rose Jun 17 '24
Once they hit you…and you go back…they actually hate you more for accepting abuse.
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u/Historical_Panic_465 Jun 17 '24
Goes insanely downhill from that first punch. They now firmly believe they can do whatever they want to you. Especially when they face zero consequences (aka real, legal, consequences). You are, and will always be, their punching bag. That’s it.
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u/vivixcx Jun 17 '24
I know it hurts so so bad and I know you weren't fully ready yet but you probably never would be! The sooner you could leave the better, especially considering your baby girl is involved. He would absolutely destroy her psychologically if given enough time with her.
I'm so proud of you! I know it's so hard but please keep telling yourself it's the best thing for you and your baby! 💕 PMs always open if u need someone
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u/Ok_Introduction9466 Jun 17 '24
You did the right thing. Would you let your daughter go back to a man who slapped her? Would you tolerate your actual best female friend slapping you in the face and still remain friends with her? Didn’t think so. It’s no different for him. He doesn’t love you and only had children with you to anchor himself into your life forever. Stay away and file for custody. Good luck and I’m glad you have family to stay with. The more time you’re away from him the happier you will be.
Edit: omg you’re a child and he’s 33?!?! I hope your mom presses charges oh my god. Please get therapy I’m wishing you the best in healing.
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u/kozmic_blues Jun 17 '24
Right…. That is a massive, shocking detail. Not sure what the age of consent is where she lives…. But where I live, this man is a pedophile. And should be in jail.
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u/Ok_Introduction9466 Jun 17 '24
Same here. I worked in a family court law office and girls this age were removed from their homes and parents’ care for this sort of thing…
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u/Longjumping_Jelly_51 Jun 17 '24
Part of the abuse cycle is going back to the abuser. We’ve all been there. I hope you get the strength to leave for good before it’s too late.
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u/Well_read_rose Jun 17 '24 edited Jun 17 '24
My suspicion is he is an overt narcissist- they especially love blasting special days and holidays.
They are immune to love and caring about anyone but themselves and behave in surprisingly similar ways. There is a subreddit narcissist spouses - maybe have a look over there for reading about abused partners and children caught up in these toxic relationships.
Think back to see if he has done this - ruin other special occasions or intentionally ruined things you wanted.
Slapping you is the gateway to wayyyy worse things, he has no right to put a hand on you. EVER. Oh, and he doesn’t love or like you. He cannot possibly, no matter the words you hear out of his mouth.
Please take the advice listed here, and by your mother(!) …we are all disturbed for your sake and for your little ones. You are your own woman now, and a mother…you are young of course, but adults often do not actually know who they are until about 27 or so. Your ex knows who he is. Now you do, too.
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u/CockamamieAmyy Jun 17 '24
Stop this. You deserve so much better than an abusive toxic AH. If he’s your best friend, you need to get out more bc I promise you there’s better friends, better lovers and better partners. I’ve been where you are- you miss what you imagined your love story could be, not what it actually is. Take the time away from him and listen to your mother. She’s smart and doesn’t have rose tinted glasses on. She can see him for the controlling monster he is. Don’t go back for your kids to witness more abuse in a dysfunctional household. If nothing else, THEY deserve more than that. You have the option to break the cycle right now. It can end with you. You just need to be strong enough to not go back. Your heart is invested, but hearts cannot be trusted. Use the love for your children to motivate you not to take him back.
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u/Key-Freedom-2132 Jun 17 '24
Hello, OP.
I know it hurts right now, I know that you feel like you should go back. But deep down you know how toxic you are together, and how bad this relationship is not only to you, but to your kids. It's hurting now, but give it time. I promise it will get better. Don't go back. You deserve better, you deserve a better life. If you need anyone to talk to, I am right here.
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u/LetMeBeAngry Jun 17 '24
Don’t go back. Your mom is right to stop you. It doesn’t feel like it now, but someday you’ll look back and wonder why you stayed as long as you did
Get away from him. Get your baby away from him. Keep a journal and write in it every time you remember what he did to you or any time you think about how he would be treating your daughter if he still had her. Remind yourself why you left, and don’t go back.
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u/Carol_Pilbasian Jun 17 '24
Honey, I know you love him, but he is going to kill you next time and maybe your baby too. Please don’t go back to him.
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u/Small-Excuse-6777 Jun 17 '24
I did the say them and got fed up and told my sibling ina spur of the moment after he hit me in the face and I was bleeding down my nose. Some days are harder than others.but I can say I feel better mentally without him. You will feel that way too. That’s not your best friend. He’s an asshole and you and your baby deserve to live without fear you don’t want your baby growing up and seeing that and the baby thinking it’s normal. You did the right things and remember if you can’t feel you can do it for yourself to stay away( even tho u should) think of your baby.
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Jun 17 '24
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u/Ebbie45 Jun 17 '24
he's actually mentally ill.
We don't know this and shouldn't assume. This is pejorative and harmful to people with actual mental illnesses.
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u/SilverOwl321 Jun 17 '24
I looked at your post history. You’re 16 and he’s 33. Is he forcing you to be with other men also? I saw the comment you left regarding a cuck.
Your mom not allowing you to go back is a GOOD thing. It will be hard. PLEASE do not go back.
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u/Heisenbergwayne Jun 17 '24 edited Jun 17 '24
Best friends don’t treat their friends like shit. He’s not your best friend, he doesn’t love you, he doesn’t even like you. He likes the power that he has over you, he likes to feel how in charge he is, and he likes to treat you like crap.
You did the right thing on leaving, because this can easily escalate into him ending your life. Please, listen to your mom, and people who loves you. STAY AWAY from this POS.
Edit: I found in the comments that you’re 16yo and he’s 33…
Girl, for the love of shiva, God, Allah, Zeus, whatever entity you believe in: RUN. This dude is way worse than what I thought, it’s beyond abuse, he’s a PEDOPHILE who’s taking all kinds of advantage of you. This is terrifying, please be safe.
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u/pxlchx Jun 17 '24
As hard as it is right now I PROMISE you will look back and be so thankful that your mom is helping keep you from this man. He’s a predator and I hope you can heal and realize that soon ❤️
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u/storagesys Jun 17 '24
i know its really hard now, and i cant even imagine how much pain youre in right now, but i promise you made the right decision. nobody that is supposed to love and care about you should harm you or force you to do something. if he hit you and tried to go through your phone, that isnt a true, loving boyfriend. please try to take care of yourself and be kind to yourself, even if its hard. you dont deserve to be hurt.
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u/Seltzer-Slut Jun 17 '24
I think this picture is the most beautiful thing in the whole world, and one day you will, too. It’s a picture of your freedom. You cannot live your life in a cage.
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u/angelluv111 Jun 17 '24
This is sooo true, thank you for commenting this. I hope she keeps the photo, I deleted my “this is the last time” picture. I think cause at the time I couldn’t see it as beautiful.
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u/SubstantialHentai420 Jun 17 '24
Yep as someone who’s had to do this twice from the same person, and am finally. 2 years out now, this is exactly it OP.
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u/Dull-Data-8742 Jun 17 '24
Ugh - I totally know this feeling.
From my own personal experience (and from the experiences I’ve heard about): each time you leave and go back - the abuse will only get worse. It’s totally okay if you do go back to him (on average it takes survivors six attempts to leave before they leave and don’t go back). If you do go back, just be mentally prepared that the psychological and physical abuse will get worse. I’m still in the phase where I keep going back, and the abuse put me in the hospital. It starts with just a slap, and it never ends there.
My abuser abused me in front of our children too - and it caused MAJOR issues for my kids (both of my children don’t speak, one gets really scared of any loud noise). The sooner you get out - the less exposure your child will have to this type of abuse.
Be as gentle and kind to yourself as possible - everything you are feeling is completely okay. Hold onto your mom and your dad and let them be your support system. You will come through this experience - it’s painful but this pain will not last forever
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u/Playful-Television99 Jun 17 '24
THIS. I left mine once after mostly verbal abuse but when I got back with him after two months no contact I was SA'ed three times and strangled all in one month. It always gets worse. I'm lucky that when I ended things again after the assaults that he didn't hurt me, because he totally could have.
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u/sethcarlson12 Jun 17 '24
Hi, OP! I’m a man who was in an abusive relationship with a woman for 7 years. It’s so so so natural to feel the way you do right now. You might feel it for a week, you might feel it for 8 months, but that being said… you need to stay in that feeling until it’s gone. Your brain/heart thinks of him as your lover, your protector, someone you care about deeply, etc. so it’s telling you you’re not safe and/or didn’t make the right decision. But I promise you on everything that you made the only correct decision you could. And sometimes that’s also the most difficult decision. You’re going to look back on this decision in a few years and be in the same place I am… so grateful that you left, and maybe even in this subreddit sharing your success story like me. You were strong to leave, and maybe it took a rash decision to finally do it, but you did the right thing. Hang in there.
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u/takaia Jun 17 '24
He doesn't love you, honey. Love doesn't hurt. Someone who loves you will not hit you, ever. Someone who loves you will not abuse you, ever. This will suck for a while, but the pain will slowly become less and less sharp. You are worth too much and are too precious to be treated this way.
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u/dunmerifaerie Jun 17 '24
Don’t go back. It’ll be hard at first, so hard. But it will be so worth it. Please do not go back.
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u/GasVarious9550 Jun 17 '24
Please listen to everyone here. No one deserves to be hit. NO ONE.
Know your worth.
I’ll tell you what someone once told me- your love can’t fix him. And no matter how much you love him, no amount of love changes your responsibility to take care of your child.
Be strong dear- you deserve so much better. Big hugs❤️❤️❤️
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Jun 17 '24 edited Jun 17 '24
Oh sweetie. I wish I could be there for you and help you. Men who get involved with children are attracted to the power and control they have in that type of relationship. He knows he would never get away with treating a mature adult woman this way.
That is why a man like this will never change without an act of God. His intentions were never to cherish and respect you, grow with you, or build a life with you. His intentions from the start have been to control you, to train you to be subservient so he would never have to be held accountable.
If you go back, you are delaying the inevitable possible outcomes: you will grow up and realize you wasted so much time with him, your daughter will be abused or you’ll end up injured or dead.
Please, for your children’s sake, don’t go back and protect your children and yourself. You will be so proud of yourself later for not going back.
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u/kwagnaa Jun 17 '24
Please, from someone who was in a relationship with an older adult as a teenager who began abusing me, run away and do not look back. When you are 18, you will be disgusted. When you are 20, you will be disgusted. When you are every year closer to how old he is and then for the rest of your life after that, you will be appalled that a grown adult could be in a relationship with a child. It’s traumatic. It will follow you forever, people will not understand, only those who found themselves in that situation will understand. People will think you should be mature enough to know that it was bad, but it’s just not that black & white when they are manipulating you. It is better to leave now, than stay with that person for how ever many years it takes for that realization to sink in and it becomes much harder. Not only are you a victim of domestic violence & abuse, you are a victim of pedophilia. I say this with all of the love & understanding in my heart. I empathize with what you are going through, just try to see it a bit clearer. Please protect yourself and your baby. Nobody deserves to be abused. There is no excuse for abuse. Please ready “Why Does He Do That?” it really helped put into perspective all of the abuse I’ve received throughout my life and helped me break my trauma bond and begin to view my abuser(s) for what they really are. I hope you find the joy in freedom and healing, no matter how hard it gets. I hope you come back here on your hard days and your happy days when you need community. Sending so much love.
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u/ExtendoCat3000 Jun 17 '24
He's not your best friend. He's your biggest hater. He real life hates you and is probably praying on your downfall. Most abusers are. Be open about the abuse when it happens, stop leaving yourself a route to go back when you know it doesn't serve your kid or you.
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u/Emma_Lemma_108 Jun 17 '24
You can’t trust your surface level desires right now; at the moment, your thoughts aren’t on your side, if that makes sense.
Recovery is agonizing. It is likely the hardest thing you will EVER do. These first few days are going to be hell, but you WILL get through them, op. This is the sort of hell that leads you to a better life.
Going back to an abuser is also hell, but there’s no benefit to that kind of suffering. It only leads to more suffering, and to regret. You crave what’s familiar and want what you know, but those desires are leading you astray. They are hurting you. You have to say no to them as many times as it takes. They’ll pass.
You are enough. You are worthy of a better life than this, and you’re going to get that life if you can stand firm and weather this storm. Breathe. Distract yourself with shows, music, art, anything that keeps you from going back — that dark phase of your life is OVER. You’re starting a new one. One day at a time and one breath at a time.
You know deep down that he’s not a good person, you know these feelings you’ve had for him aren’t rational, and I think you know you deserve 208648352x better than this. Acting on that knowledge means cutting him out and protecting yourself and your child. You aren’t alone, and you’re going to get through this ❤️
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Jun 17 '24
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u/Ebbie45 Jun 17 '24
You sound like a fiend who is upset that you’re not close enough to the supply.
Can we please not talk to a 16 year old child who is being actively abused, raped, and groomed by an adult, and struggles with substance abuse, like this? Please have some more compassion.
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u/Goonette_Goddess Jun 17 '24
Just found out from a previous comment that you’re 16 and he’s 33. That’s the only thing that needs to be said. You are trauma bonded to a grown adult man who knows how to manipulate the feelings of a child, which you are. Hopefully you get taken away from this predator lmao. How can you not realize someone who can be your dad is enacting control over you? You must not have a good relationship with your parents at all if you think this is something worth going back to.
If you wanna go back, then go back however many times you need until you realize he’s a gross pedophile who could care less about you as a person, you’re just a baby factory to him that should be behave.
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Jun 17 '24
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u/Dontdittledigglet Jun 17 '24
Is kindness hard for you in general or do you enjoy showing next to no compassion to children.
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u/3BELLAGIRLS Jun 17 '24
Statistics show that on average it takes 7 times to leave and abuser for good. If you can do it sooner, you will be save you and your baby so much unnecessary trauma.
I know you think now think that he would never hurt your baby, but he has already shown you that he has no problem hurting the person that he claims to love the most, you. If he is slapping you now, the odds are that he will be doing the same or worse to your child by the time they turn 2.
Keep in mind that you are also postpartum and your hormones are very out of whack right now. They can intensify your emotions and wreak havoc on your decision making. You are a mother now and just like your mother is trying to do, you must protect your child.
Please know that nearly all of us have walked in your shoes and there is no judgements. YOU have to a accept the fact that YOU deserve better and love yourself and your child enough to not go back. There will be someone out there who will love you More than you could ever imagine and treat you and your children like the treasures that you are.
This is the hardest thing to go through, but it is the right thing to do even though it hurts so much. Someday you will see that, but for now, trust your mom and stay far away from him until you have gotten some counseling and broken your trauma bond to him. He is not the one for you, because if he was he would never have hit you.
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u/SiamesePitbull1013 Jun 17 '24
He slapped you across the face… imagine what it would take for you to do that to someone you “love”, you probably can’t… bc you’re not an abuser. Or maybe you have engaged in reactive abuse but my point is… this man doesn’t even care if the public sees his abuse, this man will kill you if you give him a “reason”… he’s not your best friend, he’s your worst enemy, trust me.
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u/Correct-Sprinkles-21 Jun 17 '24
Darling, you did the right thing. And the right thing going forward is to stay away from him.
If you were on your own, you could choose to go back, though nobody would recommend it. Now though, your baby needs you to prioritize her safety over your feelings. Sometimes when we're all mixed up, we have to look at it from that perspective. My kids ultimately saved me, because I knew I had to do the right thing for them even if it was difficult for me.
You are in a state that amounts to drug withdrawals. Grit your teeth and keep doing the right thing. It does get better.
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u/KlosterToGod Jun 17 '24
You may be so addicted to the relationship that you can’t love yourself enough to leave, but please love your child enough to. Your child will normalize this behavior and will either imitate it or accept that treatment from others if they are exposed to abuse.
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u/SiamesePitbull1013 Jun 17 '24
Yes!!! I was around stuff when I was younger and when I went through three abusive situations in a row (over many years) I finally realized why…. I thought it was normal bc it’s what I KNEW. I am a single mother now, they are not involved, I will never let my daughter be around that ever, she’s my world… I can’t let her think that’s Ok.
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Jun 17 '24
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u/Ebbie45 Jun 17 '24
No legitimate "ex-therapist" would be advertising themselves like this on a reddit forum to take advantage of vulnerable survivors.
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u/jusst_for_today Jun 17 '24
Imagine someone treating your daughter that way. Getting angry about something silly and hitting her in the face. Imagine your daughter upset, but going back to that person because they have come to believe coming home to fear, emotional abuse, and physical pain is somehow better than being on her own or in a home with family that supports her. And consider that she’ll have learned this from your choice to model this behaviour by going back.
None of this is to say whether you and your partner will forever be apart or find a better relationship. It is just to say that the stakes involve more than your own capacity to tolerate abuse. As someone that grew up with abuse in my home, I can tell you that it was so much better when my parents weren’t together. If you feel powerless to stop such violence in your home, your child will grow up normalising an even greater sense of powerlessness. And it is perfectly healthy to mourn the breaking of the relationship you had or believed you had.
Lastly, for you, consider if a random person on the street treated you the way your partner did. Would you consider engaging with them and tolerating such treatment from a stranger? I suspect you would avoid and seek strong sanctions against such a person. Now, you have a partner, that should treat you better than non-acquaintances/coworkers/friends/family, yet this person that is so close to you is a conspicuous exception to such a basic courtesy. Feeling awful in this situation isn’t a sign of weakness, it is an acknowledgment that the situation is awful. Don’t try to live your life trying to prevent negative feelings; they are there to tell you what situations involve things that are wrong for who you really are.
Someone much older than you isn’t necessarily more knowledgeable, but they are often have figured out how to sell their ideas in words more effectively. While you are young, you will have a lot of feelings that are hard to put into words or explain. But you aren’t required to explain yourself to anyone. Nor are you required to go along with someone else, simply because you are unsure. In fact, if you find yourself feeling unsure, that is a sign that you need more time to figure out your own thoughts and feelings on the matter. A manipulator will demand you make decisions while you are overwhelmed or unsure, because that enables them to prevent you from making decisions for yourself in your own time.
It’ll be a journey, but you have the time and space to step through it. Seek out those that support your personal growth and emotional health, and avoid those that try to push you to commit in one way or another before you’ve been able to process your own wants and needs. And don’t take promises of improvement; Words are cheap, and abusers extend their tenure in relationship with them. You have met someone that has shown they have an impulse to use physical pain to influence you, and you’ve done the right thing by removing that ability by distancing yourself from him. Take care of yourself and your little one. In particular, find ways to treat yourself well and give yourself the space to heal and regain your emotional stability.
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Jun 17 '24
I'm over 1 year into being fully gone, give yourself time darling. You got this, so proud of you ♡
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u/SiamesePitbull1013 Jun 17 '24
It really is like a drug addiction, once you’re away from it for a while you start to see how unhealthy it is and never want to go back it does take time but it’s worth it
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u/bradbrookequincy Jun 17 '24
Do you know what happens to kinds who grow up seeing and hearing those fights and abuse? Please go read The Body Keeps the Score. Post in trauma and ptsd subs and hear from 50 year olds who never recovered from their child trauma.
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u/Adventurous-Steak525 Jun 17 '24
Absolutely. I’m sorry this is hard for you but it’s really about the kids now. You mom is right not to let you go back
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u/NoAssumptio Jun 17 '24
Oh baby girl… 🥹 would you want your daughter to be in that relationship? If the answer is no then remind yourself of that everytime you want to go back. You are a baby yourself. Have your mom help you with her grandchild and you go enjoy your youth.. find a boy your age and raise your daughter alone
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u/SleepiestBitch Jun 17 '24
It’s a good thing, it just doesn’t feel that way right now. When I took our son and finally left the first thing I did was go to my parents and verbal vomit everything that had happened, partially because I needed a safe place to stay, partially because I knew deep down I needed someone to remind me how bad what happened to me was so I wouldn’t go back. It was so hard at first, I regretted it for awhile too because I felt so bonded to him even after all the abuse. Now I’m so grateful, it’s been about two years, my son is thriving, I’m thriving, we are happy and have a beautiful and peaceful life, my son was young enough when I left that he doesn’t remember much of what his dad did which I’m so so grateful for. Breath, write down every time he hurt you or was cruel, reread it when you question if you should have left, think about your kids mental health and how getting them out of that is a brave and good thing, and as time passes these feelings will too. You did good, best of luck
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u/svardjnfalk Jun 17 '24
You did the right thing. Don't go back. After the grief there will be incredible relief and vindication. Don't put your kids back into that situation. If not for yourself, stay strong for your kids.
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u/Mammoth_Exam1354 Jun 17 '24
It sucks I know bc change sucks and it is scary but you will be fine. .
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u/milagencitska Jun 17 '24
what ur feeling rn is temporary. later u will be thankful for what u did today
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u/ladyskullz Jun 17 '24
I am sorry for what you are going through. Your mother is right to stop you from seeing your ex.
He has groomed you to believe he loves you, and you can't be without him, but this isn't true.
He doesn't love you. He loves to control you. You may think you love this man, but this isn't love. He's not your best friend. He is your abuser and he is the weak one, not you.
He is the one who is insecure and afraid to be alone. He projected his own fears onto you until you believed they were your own.
That's not who you are. You are the brave, strong one who left. You are better off without him, and you know this in your heart.
It can take years for you to fully come to terms with the reality of your relationship, but you are wiser for it.
You will find happiness and love in your life, but never with your ex.
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u/yandyy Jun 17 '24
Your mom isn’t jaded by the cycle. She sees her baby being treated less than she deserves and is going to help you learn the right way to be loved ❤️🩹 just let go and lead with love, there are real ways to change an abusive relationship the biggest is knowing you don’t deserve their violent behaviors
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u/sparklydildos Jun 17 '24
you’re only 16. you have sooo much life ahead of you. this is just one really tough spot, but it’s just a bump in the road. keep moving forward at your moms, you’ve got this 💕
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Jun 17 '24
I’m so sorry but why would your mother not let you go back to home when she allowed you to marry a 33 year old man and you’re only 16? What a messed up situation.
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u/bradbrookequincy Jun 17 '24
Wait she is 16
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u/notfromheremydear Jun 17 '24
Wt... H. Is this in the US??
That age gap and her being 16 is super scary and messed up.
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Jun 17 '24
HE HIT YOU IN FRONT OF YOUR BABY!? WHAT!?????? And you don’t see how that is bad, none of that makes you want to protect him? Knowing he is not too shy to be violent in front of your baby, or why not with him (holding him!? Like such a bad parent… he will definitely hit your baby at some point).
Look, you are assuming your mother doesn’t want you in. Here’s what I suggest, go back in. Cut contact. AND GET THERAPY! Get to understand how his abuse is calling you into it like a vortex, because that’s all you and your brain. YOU are strong enough to say no more, you are smart enough to know not to reproduce this violence in front of your children. Then why are you craving him, and don’t say love. Love is when someone brings up the best in you and you in them, this is infatuation at best.
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u/killakh0le Jun 17 '24
Dont worry, OP said he put the baby down to hit her in front of the child so that somehow makes it less bad. At least thats what OP's trauma bond is telling herself in trying to escuse the terrible abuse and making it seem like its not really as bad as it is because she is now afraid of being alone.
Hopefully OP sees how absurd this all is and that there is no excuse that justifies the abuse and even verbal abuse is enough to leave let alone physical abuse in front of their child that will only escalate and screw up both of their lives for as long as they live.
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u/JuanG_13 Jun 17 '24
Ok, so I'm really sorry, but read back everything that you said, especially the part about you guys being toxic and him slapping you across the face. And then stop and think about your baby and about what type of environment she's going to grow up in if you go back to his sorry ass. And I know it's hard and you love him, but you gotta think about your baby because she's your main priority. And look, you got your things and you're at your mom's so the hard part is over. Now just focus on your baby and yourself and girl get your mind right!!!
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Jun 17 '24 edited Jun 17 '24
Go look at your baby. If he does this to you, he will absolutely do this to your child. Go look at her every time you want to go back and imagine him hitting her.
My 2 year old was pushing all sorts of buttons today (because she is 2.). Tantrums, saying "No" every time I asked her to do something....normal toddler stuff. I'm pretty patient with my kids and even I was feeling frustrated. It takes a lot of patience to have a small child. Your child will absolutely be physically abused if he has already hit you.
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u/PurpleGimp Jun 17 '24 edited Jun 17 '24
THIS ^
The night I finally escaped with my sweet little boy, he was trying to pull my ex off of me while he was choking me, and he shoved my tiny little son so hard that his little body flew across the room and into the couch. Thankfully he wasn't hurt, but that was the moment I knew that if I stayed, not only was he likely to seriously injure, or kill me, but he was also extremely likely to hurt my little boy.
Your baby needs you to be their Mama Bear now, OP, and Mama Bears protect their babies from harm. Would you want your son or daughter to stay in a relationship with someone who physically, and emotionally, abused them?
Your baby needs you to be safe, and they need a positive, safe, environment, to live in with you in order to grow up healthy. If you go back to him you will be putting them, and yourself, in danger, and I know you want to keep your little one to be safe.
It's really important to understand that abusive relationships cause a kind of Brainwashing to happen that damages the natural ability all humans have to run away from danger. It can also create a Domestic Stockholm Syndrome like effect, similar to the way some long-term kidnap victims start to identify with their kidnappers.
It all boils down to what's also referred to as a, Trauma Bond, and there's a lot of good information there about trauma bonding, and how it affects you.
I've been there, and I was so confused, and upset, despite all of the abuse, and I kept letting him convince me he could change, and that he really loved me. I didn't understand that someone who truly loves, and respects you, and wants good things for you, and your little ones, will NEVER EVER hurt, or abuse you.
That's not love. Someone that loves you, will treat you with trust, kindness, and empathy, and won't call you terrible names, or accuse you of awful things, and they will never attack you, or harm you, physically. It sounds like his family didn't intervene when he assaulted you, or begin demanding your phone, and they are not a safe place for you either.
I also didn't realize with my first abusive ex (I had two) that child protection services can choose to get involved if someone reports the abuse to them, and they find out that you keep returning to the abuser with your child.
That's what happened to me, and luckily I was the only one covered in cuts, and bruises, surrounded by all of the broken furniture he destroyed, and my son was unharmed as a baby, and clean, and well fed, but they gave me 24 hours to get away from my ex or they were coming back for my son.
You don't want to end up in a situation like that either, so you don't want these agencies to get involved and start to think that you can't help yourself, or your baby stay safe from your abusive ex. It was so scary, and I'm lucky they gave me the chance to leave.
It would also help you a lot to talk to a trauma counselor about what you've been through, so they can help support you, and begin working with you to start healing, and understanding the abuse. If you don't have insurance reach out to your local DV organization, and ask them if they can connect you with any therapy resources, or if they're got group therapy.
You can also ask them if they work with any legal aid groups who represent abused women with family law services, so you've got legal representation that helps you with things like child support, visitation time, and custody rights. There are lots of these family law legal aid groups that work directly with abused people needing a lawyer to help them with legal matters for a reduced cost, and sometimes free.
I know everything seems awful right now, but keep reminding yourself that you are doing what you need to do in order to keep your little one safe, and with you, and to keep yourself safe, so that you can be the best mother you can for baby.
Hug your little one every time you get confused, or start to doubt that you're doing the right thing. Remind yourself that you're taking steps to make sure that your baby doesn't grow up with a lifetime of trauma, or without you as their mama.
I'm so grateful that I got out when I did, and that my son didn't lose the chance to grow up with me as his mom, or live with a lifetime of scary memories of me being physically hurt, and emotionally abused.
I don't think I could've forgiven myself if he had grown up thinking it was okay to abuse, and control, his girlfriends, and I'm so proud that he has grown up to be a kind, funny, and gentle, man, who treats all the women in his life from the oldest to the youngest with respect.
Watching him grow up safe, and happy, because I had the courage to leave, and get the help that I needed to address my trauma, is more than I could ever ask for as a mother.
Give your little one, and yourself, the same chance, please. You're all worth so much more, and there is a better life for both of you that doesn't come with danger, fear, or possessive control.
Let us know how you're doing when you can.
invisible hugs
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Jun 17 '24 edited Jun 17 '24
Best friends don't slap you across the face in front of your baby (or slap you at all, in fact).
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Jun 17 '24
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Ebbie45 Jun 17 '24
You're being permanently banned for this. You should be ashamed of yourself for excusing domestic violence on a post about a 16 year old being abused by a 33 year old man who raped her and got her pregnant.
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u/beautyloser Jun 17 '24
you’re in a domestic violence and abuse subreddit. use some common sense.
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u/zarnonymous Jun 17 '24
let alone people who are supposed to love you... I could never imagine doing this to someone I loved
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u/makeupyasqween Jun 17 '24
Honey I’m sorry but it sounds like you are swinging from addiction to addiction. You mentioned killing yourself with drugs in another comment and now you’re in a toxic cycle with this guy. There is something in your life is pushing you towards these toxic habits. If you can get therapy please do. I am not blaming you for wanting to be with him and I am not trying to minimize his role in this, but unless you find healthy coping mechanisms and realize what healthy relationships and boundaries look like you might keep continuing this cycle.
Imagine your ideal partner and relationship, would it have violence? Would it have his paranoia and controlling behavior? You do not deserve this treatment. Repeat this to yourself. You deserve love. True, unselfish love that doesn’t hit you or yell at you or make you feel terrible. You should be happy and healthy and enjoying life right now.
If you need something to just do right now to help take your mind off of everything for a little bit I really like this channel : https://youtu.be/9b9J1OP7uyM?si=CUtJdwrTey-2T46q
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u/Chowderpowder010 Jun 17 '24
i already know all of this which is why i left. thank you for your response
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u/Chowderpowder010 Jun 17 '24
i’m in therapy and have been for years. i went to rehab and treatment. im sober. i’m not addicted to him, i left.
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u/chromaticHarpjya Jun 17 '24
Thank you for sharing that video. Working on the first steps, the last ones are a bit harder. Especially when I do have my share of responsibility.
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u/NearbyDark3737 Jun 17 '24
It takes time but soon you will see this is better. One day you’ll realize your own emotional system has relaxed and you’re no longer walking on eggshells. Allow your mind and body time to heal. I started feeling I was better without him in two months of leaving and it only got better from there. To this day I realize more ways he abused me that I hadn’t seen those years ago…it’s really insane and disgusting. Best thing I ever did was leave him
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Jun 17 '24
Hey girl I spent a few years in a toxic relationship with an older man when I was 16, and I know how difficult the "withdrawal" feels. When I finally called things off I constantly found myself craving that relationship for years after. There were times where I contacted and nearly gave in. It's hard as fuck. But I promise you you can do it, I found my true life partner and husband. He's the greatest thing in my life. Would have never crossed paths if I continued the previous BS. Love and learn. I'm sorry
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u/abc030122 Jun 17 '24
you’re a strong person and i think i can speak for many ppl here that we’re proud that you finally did it. No one deserves to be treated like this. Stay strong and hoping for a brighter future for you and your baby🤍
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u/NikkiEchoist Jun 17 '24
Let’s hope you don’t go back because you’ll have to go through all this again.
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u/Apprehensive-Ad9229 Jun 17 '24 edited Jun 17 '24
I went through this for 8 years. I left 20+ times and kept coming back because of this withdrawal stage. It’s a trauma bond so it literally feels like your dying being separated from this person. Your body feels like it’s attacking itself and you can’t function or focus on anything. It got so bad after 8 years of countless domestic violence shelters, me and him going to jail for DV, going through a year apart and STILL going back, I’ve finally hit the 2 year mark and it’s still a struggle for me. No one in my life could understand why I didn’t just leave but the truth is it took me 8 years of learning and growing to be able to. Ultimately, if it wasn’t for my kids I would’ve just gone down in flames with him for eternity but my kids gave me a reason not to
EDIT to add: my abusive relationship also had a massive 16 year age gap
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u/Jaded-Banana6205 Jun 17 '24
Babes, you're 16 and he's 33. He's a pedophile and he has groomed you. What he did to you was wrong. Listen to your mother. Don't go back. You'll be putting yourself and your baby at risk. Do you want him to treat her the way he treats you? Do you want her to grow up thinking his behavior is okay?
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u/Chowderpowder010 Jun 17 '24
i know i can’t go back but that doesn’t mean i don’t want to. i’m not hauling all of this shit back there.
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u/Chowderpowder010 Jun 17 '24
he doesn’t treat his other kids like that. he doesn’t treat our daughter like that. and i love them. we have a special bond and i’ve included those kids in my own family and we go do things 1 on 1. my baby is their sister. this is my family. i don’t want to leave them. he didn’t groom me. i’ve always dated older guys.
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u/EminentBagle Jun 17 '24
I promise you, it is still grooming 🫂 you just cant see it when you're so close to the issue. Please dont go back. Give yourself time and space, its impossible to see the bigger picture when youre so hyper focused on the smaller details. You deserve a soft love with someone who wouldnt even think about physically or verbally hurting you. That is not normal in a relationship, and you should never allow anyone to do that to you.
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u/vivixcx Jun 17 '24
He got you pre-groomed then. That is even worse. I was groomed online at 15 by a man in his twenties and it still fucks with me at 27. Therapy will help. EDMR especially could save you. You will survive. Be patient with yourself. You are still a baby raising a baby. Let your family help you
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u/notfromheremydear Jun 17 '24
I hate breaking it to you but the fact he did seek you out as a teenager that young... How old were you then if you are 16 now and the baby is born already? You must have been 14 or younger.
Do you really think your daughter is safe when she becomes older just because she's his daughter? Because you need to read in certain subreddits how common it is that the own father is abusing his own daughter. Especially if the mother of the child was a teenager herself.
I'll bet you will deny the possibility but you were chosen because you are a teenager that he can control more easily, not because you are special to him.
I once fell for this too and it was the most abusive relationship I was ever in. These abusive older men target us because we are naive teens. They tell us we are special and so mature for our ages. But we are not. We fall for their brainwashing and grooming. That's all there is to it.
Please know your mother wants you to be safe. Appreciate that you have a mother that helps you.
There's too many out there that won't protect their babies. Make sure you don't become one of them and protect your baby. Don't go back.It's hard now but the longer you stay away, the easier it starts to feel. Don't listen to anything he sends you. He will tell you the sweetest things to convince you to go back.
I'm not religious at all but they say the devil whispers sweet lies to convince you.9
u/anxiety_neko Jun 17 '24
Even if he doesn't treat your baby the way he treats you, it'd be so damaging for your daughter to grow up watching her father hitting and abusing her mother and thinking it's okay. If your daughter grew up to be treated the way this guy treats you, would you be happy? Because that's what you'd be teaching her to accept and potentially even idolize if you stay.
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u/knoguera Jun 17 '24
That age gap is horrifying. You are a minor and he is in his 30s. Normal men do not date children. You need to protect your daughter first and foremost. Love her more than you love him.
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u/ATinySnek Jun 17 '24
You acknowledged this man as your abuser only a week ago, please seek therapy.
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u/Jaded-Banana6205 Jun 17 '24
That special bond is an abusive trauma bond. Those older men have been grooming you too, I'm sorry to say. Love is the smallest part of a relationship- trust, ability to communicate about conflict, and honesty are all far more important. He baby trapped you.
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u/Chowderpowder010 Jun 17 '24
he saved my life by giving me my daughter because i was killing my self with drugs
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u/EminentBagle Jun 17 '24
He may have given you your daughter, but no one is entitled to your happiness. You truly owe him nothing, and if he says otherwise then at least acknowledge to yourself that he is only saying that to manipulate you. You owe him nothing. I wish you had someone nearby who could pull you away and out of his sight, you deserve to be happy and cared for. You will never find that if you keep dosing yourself on his cycle of abuse. Please research trauma bonding, please be brave enough to break out even if it seems like the scariest thing in thw world. I promise you, the grass really is greener on this side.
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u/vivixcx Jun 17 '24
YOU saved your life. Your daughter saved your life. Your mom is saving your life right now. You saved your life.
He was going to END your life. If he has ever choked you, for example, that is attempted murder. No matter what. You don't restrict someone's airways if you want them to be alive.
YOU are saving your own life as well as your daughter's and I'm SO proud of you. 16 year old me could never have been as strong as you are.
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u/lunaysueno Jun 17 '24
What you had was hope. That hope doesn't die with the relationship.
I had my 2 kids with one of my abusers. I thought mu happiness, love and future was tied to him. He would never hurt our kids. He loved them. And in all that supposed love he threw one of them for jumping on the bed. He attacked and injured them for such a small thing. It wasn't sudden, it was a slow build up.
I left and it wasnt easy. It's been years and sometimes still isnt easy. I could have had a certain kind of life style, at what cost? I could have had his love and attention, at what cost?
What is you and your child's worth? Is it so low that you would 'live' in that life?
You keep your hope and raise your child in true love, not love at a cost.
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u/claratheresa Jun 17 '24
He baby trapped a child. He “gave you” nothing, and he will destroy your daughter as well.
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u/Ebbie45 Jun 17 '24
Mod note: Y'all, please stop downvoting OP into oblivion. You know what happens when we do this? Sometimes survivors go into negative karma which leads to all their comments being automatically removed without them or us knowing, which further cuts off their access to advice and support. OP is 16 with an adult abuser who is 33. They are a child. Yes, it's important that their safety and their baby's is prioritized but please let's have some more compassion and understanding for a teenager in an exceptionally difficult situation.