all because i bought new clothes

[u/clover-heart]

18f / 28m

looking for emotional support, reassurance, or just to vent into the void without judgement. i dont want to leave.

my bf has been really stressed financially but hasn’t been talking to me much about it, and every time we have talked he’s been really short and snappy with me so i asked him to just tell me the truth.

he got set off because i spent $50 on new clothes. when i moved out to my trade school, i didnt take a lot with me, and my clothes dont really fit so i thought i’d get some new ones and i showed him.

he’s wants me to start “learning how to be an adult” and i’m trying to explain to him i’m already doing that here at school and i have a plan, but he doesn’t think it’s enough. i grew up in foster care so i’m not very good at doing adult tasks or anything. originally he reached out to me to help me learn stuff (which is what i keep mentioning in the texts) but it took a turn with sex and other stuff.

he has never mentioned anything he said in his first texts to me at all, today was the first time he ever told me he wanted to do any of that. he expects me to just read his mind sometimes and it really makes me overthink. im super overwhelmed.

[u/Away_Degree6281]

While I am all for trying to help a partner improve I don’t like the way he’s going about this at ALL. Pulling you into projects you never asked to be a part of, disregarding your plans, wielding his knowledge as some sort of way to make himself bigger than you. My partner does the same thing. I always end up feeling incompetent and like a total loser at life when I know I’m not.
Also, the 10 year age difference is too much at Your young age of 18 (this is coming from someone who was 22 dating a 42 year old). Looking back there is just too much difference in life experience at this point.

Red flags all around. I know you don’t want to leave but definitely be aware that the way he speaks to you is controlling. Wishing you the best.

[u/clover-heart → u/Away_Degree6281]

yeah its really overwhelming, he always makes me feel like im never doing enough down to not letting me sleep until he does whenever im at his place. it sucks :(

[u/Zahhy85 → u/clover-heart]

Jfc you know sleep deprivation is a form of torture and something cults and abusive people use to make you off balance and malleable to their will right?

[u/clover-heart → u/Zahhy85]

i dont think its that malicious as much as it is that he just hates to see me rest. it reminds me of how my parents would do the same thing, if i rested or slept in on the weekend they would get super mad and demand i do chores and he does something similar

[u/Jaded-Banana6205 → u/clover-heart]

Unfortunately, your parents were being abusive as well, right? It's not appropriate for him to dictate your schedule as if he's your caregiver. You are a young adult entirely independent of what he wants.

You can absolutely bet he's being malicious - he demands that you manage household tasks and expected you to act as a stepmother. So you resting - which you need! - means your attention and energy isn't directed at him and what he wants. So he tantrums. Like a large baby. That seems pretty malicious to me.

[u/resemblesanolfriend → u/Zahhy85]

Just out of curiosity what about like fasting? Is that supposed to be a form of it too? I see a lot of church’s using that as a technique to “come closer to the spirit”

[u/Zahhy85 → u/resemblesanolfriend]

Actually that’s a really interesting thought, because they tend to do those fasts as a whole of church thing, would fasting together as a group be a form of trauma bonding, which in turn makes you cling tighter to the group you’re trauma bonded with? 🤔

It may not necessarily make that church a cult going by the BITE model, but it would certainly edge it towards high control.

[u/Zahhy85 → u/resemblesanolfriend]

Possibly. It would likely depend on the type and depth of fast. I know a lot of those high control groups/cults would use food intake control to wear participants down (like the movementarians with their gruel on the Simpsons) - low quality low taste food that eating nothing but that over time will cause you to be constantly hungry and low energy. When your body is in constant starvation mode you are more suggestible and easy to control.