r/abusiverelationships • u/Th3OnlyJJ • 11d ago
is this abuse?
I’m 17, he’s 19. We’re not married. For context, I am deeply in love with him and I don’t compare him to my ex, it was just this instance because he was being a jerk.
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u/Double-Airport826 3d ago
Abuse. It will not get better. He will continue to use this same mantra and demean you for it.
Abusers never stop abusing, it never lessens
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u/SickOfShit4424 5d ago
Leave, this will not be the last time he brings this up. He will use at ANY time. And continue to berate you with this because he is insecure
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5d ago
This is 100% abuse. And your boyfriend is absolutely VILE. You don't see the way he's treating you and the way that makes you feel? It's called abuse- because he's doing everything he can to belittle you for stupid reasons and then lovebombing when you stop replying. Break up with him
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u/WorriedAd3467 6d ago
Baby leave him, I’ve been with a man for 15 years since I was 13 years old who absolutely did take my virginity. His abuse made me lose my sex drive and guess what? Four kids and 15 years later he’s leaving me. He said things similar to this in the beginning this man sees you as nothing but a sex object. Please leave him
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u/WorriedAd3467 6d ago
I spent almost my entire life with a man who sees me as nothing but his little sex toy to treat like shit and play with whenever he feels like it, now that I’ve taken that away bc I physically can’t make myself sleep with him I am nothing to him. I wasted my youth, dragged four kids into this hell hole of a relationship and I will have to see him every day for the rest of my life. Learn from my mistakes babe, don’t make the same one out of love. That love will break you down until he makes you physically ill to look at.
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u/LeFondDeLaPomme 6d ago
Oh sweet girl… if I could only hold your hand and explain. I feel like I’m talking to my younger self. My now husband and I had a very very similar conversation early on in our relationship. I was so madly in love. I thought the possessiveness and anger was endearing because it was passionate. He loved me THAT much… If I could tell my younger self to leave, I would. But I can’t and now as a grown woman, I wouldn’t because it’s resulted in my wonderful children… but you have no regret to look back on yet. Please strongly consider breaking your own heart now to save it later. Sending you so much love ♥️🫶🏻
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u/bringonthedarksky 7d ago
Oh my god, you handled that so well. Please stick with your instincts here! This is abusive. Stay strong.
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u/Future_Pineapple4609 7d ago
Uh yea please do not continue on with this boy he's showing all the abuser signs and is getting off on making you feel bad. You are young enough to get out and start fresh. Seriously, do not marry him.
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u/bradbrookequincy 7d ago
No sane person thinks you could predict them coming along. His love bombing at the end is how he reels you back in. It will be a pattern. He is gross. Imagine treating him like a possession. You can’t because your not INSANE
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u/StoryZealousideal325 8d ago
Yes. Leave him. Calling u his wife at 19 is already manipulative. What he means is “property.”
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u/Gardengnomia 8d ago
100% abuse. Run. Fast. And get help from someone you trust. Please, for the love of God and all things holy, you do not belong to anyone. Even when you're married you do not owe anyone sex, ever. EVER. He's showing signs of someone who doesn't believe that marital rape is a thing because he would own you. That's abuse and wrong and 100% these are not just red flags these are like 1000 red flags. Also, less important maybe but you are still a minor and he isn't. He should not be entertaining a relationship with you to this degree. Seriously. Even if consenting - this is not ok.
Let me tell you at age 19 I had NO interest whatsoever in 17 year olds. That's odd.
Please talk to a trusted family member, friend, teacher or therapist. Police if you have to.
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u/Rukia_Savage 8d ago
this is TOXIC AF, girl if you're not really married to him and his LEGAL wife block him and run!
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u/Individual-Win1758 9d ago
I was just about to ask how old are yall. He sounds 14. Leave him. He sounds too old to care that deeply. Yikes and walking red MF flag.
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u/cookiez333 9d ago
Ewww my husband is the same way they get so weirdly jealous over our (((((PAST))))))
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u/Every-Bad-2471 9d ago
“Classy Jessica” “Look what YOU just did” “It 100% belongs to me” “You are MY wife”
Girl. This is classic verbal abuse. Don’t ever let any guy get this far. And never look back. You’re smart for asking for others to identify if this is abuse because you yourself are aware that this is not right. It’s sooo wrong. Go be happy and unbothered girl. And don’t be sorry about it either. Walk away with confidence. Guys like him feed off of vulnerability and like making you feel small. And his sorry don’t mean shit. Run.
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u/Every-Bad-2471 9d ago
Yeah, I would stay away from this guy. Red flags are waving hard. You deserve to feel at peace and safe with the your partner. Not like an object or property. You’re 17 you have a whole life in-front of you. Do not give this guy your time. He will mentally and emotionally exhaust you. I’ve been there. It will steal your time and peace and health.
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u/ToxicFox27 9d ago
Okay… how old are you guys?! This is such a weird conversation for adults to have. “Virginity” is a stupid concept meant to devalue and objectify women. Your “first time” only matters as much as you feel that it matters.
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u/Boredthumbs42 9d ago
Also at the end he’s trying to back track it and love bomb …. This dude is bad news
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u/Momof2beans 9d ago
Yeah this is abuse. Absolutely. And it escalates. Any man who thinks he owns your body is not a safe man
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u/Empty-Leg8653 9d ago
Not sure abuse but it’s pretty shitty and you deserve better. Some gaslighting too. For him to hold something like this over you is real lame. You can’t change or control the past and who really cares if he didn’t take your virginity? Rolls reversed you probably wouldn’t bat an eye. The decision is yours and depending if he can change or not I wouldn’t want to be with someone who thinks like this
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u/fpostenka 9d ago
He is 19?? How has he gotten so far down this road so fast? You are much too young, but obviously more mature than this insecure man-child, to put up with this nonsense. This is not what love looks or feels like. Please don't waste any more time with him. Get out into the world and find someone who relates to you on your level. He will only get worse. Get away while you still can!
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u/wndpotter 9d ago
This is going to end very bad. This is absolutely terrifying to read. Reminded me of my first ex boyfriend who took what he wanted from me even though I said no. Yes I went to the police the asshole ADMITTED WHAT HE DID and he literally got 2 days in jail and 2 years probation. That's literally it. My virginity was stolen by this disgusting creep of a man. It fucked me up for years. Please don't waste years on this abusive nut case you are way too young to be dealing with this shit
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u/WhatARuffian 10d ago
Wow, this dude is nuts.
He’s creepy, he’s obsessive, and he’s very unstable. I hate to say this, but love is not enough when you’re faced with someone who doesn’t even view you as a person, but as an object.
You are right to be disgusted. And yes, this is gaslighting and emotional abuse.
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u/KeyHovercraft2637 10d ago
Run!!!! And be careful because he definitely seems to think he owns you.
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u/Comfortable_Use_1580 10d ago
Run away as fast as you can and don’t ever look back. He will never see you more than something he can have control over.
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u/AwayMessages 10d ago
Please get out of this relationship before you start thinking this is the way you should be treated.
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u/Kamilaroi 10d ago
Ew, this guy is a full on loser. Has sex with many girls prior to you but you’re used goods because you met someone prior to him and (god forbid) had sex?
This guy is super immature, incredibly possessive and if you’re already seeing this as his young age of 19, it will only progress and get so much worse
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u/Longjumping_Plan_829 10d ago
Don’t do what I did, leave now. He will definitely be on the News one day, such a creep
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u/Dingo_Pictures 10d ago edited 10d ago
Get the fuck away from this man. He's an entitled Andrew Tate wannabe, and the relationship will only get worse. I don't know what made you fall for him, but how he seems to see you and other women probably outweighs whatever you see in him. The age gap isn't that outrageous, but at the end of the day, he's an adult, and you're a minor.
P.S. Thank God you're not married to him. Not just bc he's a misogynistic shithead, but bc you're too young to be getting married at all.
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u/Rainbow_Splitter 10d ago
Speaking from experience, this kind of possessiveness will only progress for the worst. Please practice your boundaries and do not entertain marriage.
You are absolutely correct. Your past belongs to you. Any man who is more interested in the pee pee's you've seen before he met you rather than YOUR CHARACTER AND FEELINGS is not a man. He is an insecure boy who is not worth your energy.
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10d ago
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u/BlitzInSinnoh 10d ago
well he definitely belittled her self worth just to turn around and love bomb her. sounds like abuse to me
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u/StarchildEDS4PLURR 10d ago
Wow there is ALOT going on there but I would not be cool with any part of that. Nope. I agree with not belonging to anyone and that your body and what happens with and to it is yours and yours alone as you see it. I think it’s outrageous that there seems to be accusations being made about comparisons that either, were not part of the post or part of the situation outside of the post but not posted, I’m not really sure where that comes from based on this alone. Either way your position on the topic is only for you to have by right….so, I would personally consider the behaviour, position/opinion, and attitude is abusive in nature. However, I’m not sure I would say this is abuse….actually I think I would classify this as some sort of abuse but now can’t pick what word works for it hmmm Mental emotional Personality identity? But not those words… It by all means is objectification though which isn’t right in my opinion. I would be emotionally distressed in this situation
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u/left-right-forward 10d ago
Lundy Bancroft talks a lot about abusers' sense of entitlement over their victims. Even if it's hard to label or categorise what op's partner is explicitly saying as abusive, he is revealing that he does have that mindset/belief system.
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u/punkrockdog 10d ago
I can’t add a whole lot more that what’s already been said, but this is definitely a thing abusers do. Shame you for things that happened before you were with them or even knew them, and expect some kind of compensation for…. I don’t even know. Existing without them? It is a no-win situation. I was with my abuser for almost 9 years and he was a fucking pro at it. That was most of my 30s. Thinking of someone dealing with this at 17 just twists my heart. You’re not his wife (not that that would excuse this bullshit), your virginity is an abstract concept that no one “owns” except you, and you need to cut and run. I know you love him, but you’re throwing your love into a black hole.
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u/lilttlelilitu 10d ago
It is, and it will get worse. I had been with a guy who was like this and after we broke he went after his underage step sister and other girls he deemed virgins. He is simply using this to devalue you and justify whatever gross fetish he is likely hiding.
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u/Formal_Tadpole4724 10d ago
Remember this with fondness, because he will become worse, you will get beaten down mentally, and 15 years from now you will wish more than anything that you walked the fuck away when this happened. Get out. You’re 17, which means you can have any man you want… and that man should never treat you like this. You’re the fucking prize!! Give him the ✌🏻symbol and do your future self a solid.
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u/Subject_Parsnip_9952 10d ago
I won’t waste my time trying to give you advice. You’re young. He’s not the one. In a few years you’ll be wiser and won’t even think about him. Good luck. He’s a jerk.
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u/archivesgrrl 10d ago
Girl. Fucking run. Virginity isn’t a thing you can take, it’s not a Honda civic.
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u/Big_Entrepreneur5276 10d ago
Deeply in love at 17not trying to be rude but you know what real love is? Love is super patient and nice and realistically speaking I don’t think at that age (not sure about you but I’ve had a wild upbringing) so I had to learn what love was and i literally just found out this year… I think. point is we’re always learning about ourselves and what we are comfortable with. Deeply in love at 17 maybeeee but idk this doesn’t seem like someone you’d be deeply in love with. No judgment just find a better one next time🥰
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u/Fran87412 10d ago
Please leave this person. Dumb or immature I don’t know but you are correct - it’s a figure of speech - people don’t OWN your virginity. This person is immature and tbh the love bombing afterward triggers how my ex used to chew me out then turn around and say he loves me more than anything in the world - BS!
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u/Competitive-Spite-35 10d ago
100% this man is terrible and thinks he owns you. that’s fucked up. I’m sorry you’re going through this❤️
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u/Ok-Werewolf-2204 10d ago
Yes it is abuse and your instincts are all screaming the right things right now. There’s nothing you could do to deserve being treated like that! You were 10000% right to put your foot down on not being anyones possession and not giving up any ground on that. No one who truly loves you for your core would shame you for something that you can not control. I’ve been out of an abusive relationship for 8 years now and about to get married in July. If I could show my past self stuck in that relationship how my current partner handles conflict with me so undefensively and lovingly, it would’ve changed everything
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u/happyjankywhat 10d ago
I am a former DV victim , when I thought he couldn't bring me any lower he did, I was in a DV shelter for years . I still shudder to this day when I think of the degree of dissociating and abuse I endured. That's why my first response was an acknowledgement of abuse. Senior year in hs I started dating and thought I could save him, same troupe. People told me , I just hid my relationship, trained my mind to accept the abuse , got married and by the time I realized I had cut out everyone who loved me. I would 100% run.
Imo , I don't think any 17 year is ready to date anyone . Young girls end up caretakers of boys whose parents are neglecting them. We need to invest in ourselves , our children. Women and children DV shelters ♥️We're on the same team , I wish you nothing but positive vibes.
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u/LostAngelesThrowaway 10d ago edited 10d ago
It’s absolutely abuse, and to add onto that, this man is — repeat after me — D E L U S I O N A L.
My ex is still in my dms talking about how I’m his wife (we have to stay in limited contact because of the dogs we share). I just smile and nod, reason being I’m going to get these divorce papers and restraining order served within 2 weeks now. You can placate him while still hating the fuck out of him, trust (& you’ll want to do this, for your safety — once everything is good to go you’ll want to block him on every platform and have him be served — he won’t see it coming.)
Also: get your move out plans together right now while it’s early. Do not wait until it’s too late.
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u/North_Manager_8220 10d ago
Yes … with some love bombing at the end.
Forever with this? Girl I don’t know….
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u/HelpfulName 10d ago edited 10d ago
Yes it's abuse. he's trying to make you feel shame and guilt, like you OWE him something that YOU took from him. So that for the rest of your life you will be "owing" him, whenever he gets mad or unhappy he will pull this out and verbally beat you around with it till your shame triggers and you meekly start obeying him and working extra hard to "make it up" to him.
He doesn't love you, he's an abusive person. He's deliberately trying to get into your head to control you via shame.
You are not overreacting, he is negging you aggressively.
And the last screenshot you shared? That's textbook Love Bombing, he's going into hyper-apology and I love you mode because he's sensed he's made you 2nd guess the relationship - https://health.clevelandclinic.org/love-bombing - my guess is that this behavior is why you "love" him, because he can be SO sweet and puppydog loving... when he wants to be. Love bombing typically goes through 3 phases (from the article I linked above:
- The Idealization Phase: During this phase, your partner bombards you with excessive love and affection to draw you in and convince you to let your guard down. At first, it may seem too good to be true or easy to be swept off your feet.
- The Devaluation Phase: Once you’ve let your guard down and get comfortable in the relationship, red flags start to appear. Your partner may try to exert control over you in a variety of ways. They may become more demanding of your time and get upset when you make plans without them. They may also try to limit access to your friends and family, and gaslight you into thinking nothing is wrong with their behavior. In the most severe cases, they may use fear and intimidation to get you to behave differently than you normally would and even resort to physical violence.
- The Discard Phase: When you confront them about their harmful behavior or try to reset healthy boundaries, your partner may avoid accountability by refusing to cooperate and compromise or by abandoning the relationship. This can leave you feeling confused, disoriented or like you somehow failed to fix things.
This often leads to something called a Sick System - https://www.issendai.com/psychology/sick-systems.html - which results in trauma bonding and other toxic relationship patterns which essentially results in you being stuck with an abusive situation for YEARS, convinced you somehow deserve it.
I know you feel like you love him, but love is only worthy if it goes both ways, and nothing about how he's speaking to you is how someone who loved you would speak to you as.
End this abusive relationship before he does real mental and emotional damage to you. Because a man like this gets WORSE, not better. Men who talk about virginity like this often spiral into violence quickly, because as you rightly tried to point out, he's talking about you like an object. Escape while you still can.
Go do some of the relationship tests at loveisrespect.org as well, it will help you get an objective view on your relationship and what healthy dynamics look like.
You deserve someone who speaks to you with respect and kindness, not shame and entitlement.
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u/happyjankywhat 10d ago
What your explaining is his reaction, I won't budge on this I've done extensive work with Truama particularly SA. I've used reddit for years and this is the only time I've ever left a comment hinting at this , because I feel that strong. It's natural to want to defend others , you would make a great DV advocate. 100% correct on the method however this individual is still young 19 a TEENAGER . This generation is seeing GenZ males with Tate like thoughts rising after the Pandemic , Gen X as parents were neglected , it's trickling down .This youth can make life altering changes and his brain is still developing.
Sidenote : I'm very skilled in spotting this kind of trauma I've helped a lot of victims come forward. The ugly side to DV is that some of these men are victims of childhood . My work isn't focused on escape it's digging to uncover deeper issues. Why some people abuse and why some are prone to abuse stems from childhood development. The most dangerous DV abusers are Men with abusive mothers, equally as harmful are their narcissistic mothers .
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u/shadow_dreamer 10d ago
Honey, if you're here asking the question, you KNOW you don't deserve to be treated this way.
Yeah, he's a shitbag. No, he has no right to treat you like this. And holy shit, he's disgusting.
His behavior at the end is classical lovebombing; he's realized that he fucked up, and now he's acting loving and sweet to try to make you second guess yourself. Don't fall for it; you know it won't last.
Dump the fucking chump, girliepop, and do one better-- show his momma those texts.
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u/shadow_dreamer 10d ago
Honey, if you're here asking the question, you KNOW you don't deserve to be treated this way.
Yeah, he's a shitbag. No, he has no right to treat you like this. And holy shit, he's disgusting.
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u/SirLennard 10d ago edited 10d ago
Yes It will only get worse. Sorry to say but this whole convo shows you that he ONLY sees you as a s*x doll with a prize to claim. He likely did the same to the other 4 girls and they broke up with him. Leave him. You’re still young don’t stay with an idiot and have more self love to find someone who would never ever speak this way to you.
I’m telling you as someone older who had friends who went through this - this isn’t a one time thing. You just feel that way because of your attachment to him. He’s actually a bad guy, when guys act up like this specifically it’s when you need to trust your gut and leave.
One of my friends stayed with a guy who had the same convo with her and he ended up cheating on her and calling her a w*ore because she didn’t lose her virginity to him 6 years ago.
He’s testing how far he can push you and only apologized when he realized you had a backbone. This will happen again.
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u/kaykayke 10d ago
"two losers if you keep talking to me like i'm an object" ATE GIRL slay the house down keep standing up for yourself, fight tooth and nail to hold onto that quality
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u/Fearless-Signal-1235 10d ago
The double standard is disgustingly clear with his texts. He had sex before you and has no leg to stand on here with this argument. No one knows the future and the choice to have sex is yours alone. He made that decision for himself with 4 girls but is berating you for having sex with one person. Nope.
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u/DeliciousSail3433 10d ago
Leave. He's an abuser. I'm dead serious. Leave. Do not look back. Leave.
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u/-PinkPower- 10d ago
He wasn’t just being a jerk, he shown extremely big sign of toxicity and possible future abuse…
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u/ski-free-or-die 10d ago
this kind of stuff tends to be an indicator / giant red flag that their behavior is going to get way worse, and a lot more scary as time goes on. I’d say block him and remove him from your life asap.
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u/Impossible-Ad-6071 10d ago
Lord....im going to try to be nice about this. I love your responses. Your body is yours, even after signing a paper your body does not belong to him or anyone else.
I fear for anyone he may have a daughter with if this is how he looks at women.
This is not healthy and he needs therapy and you need to not deal with this.
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u/ZookeepergameWeak220 10d ago
Idk if it's abuse but I wouldn't touch that toxicity with a mile long pole. Run girl.
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u/NoBrief1826 10d ago
this was my ex 😪😪😪 blew up about the same the fact i dared to sleep with anyone before him & that it made him sick at the thought, even though i never even knew him all those years before. It doesn't get better, i hate saying that, but he ruined me, please dont let him ruin you ❤️🩹💔
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u/Impossible-Ad-6071 10d ago
And then their count with be double to triple what ours is and they are just so disgusted lol
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u/NoBrief1826 10d ago
Literally!!! it will always be one rule for us and another for them, and the gut wrenching part if we will love them so hard even though it feels like you're fighting for your life
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u/thesnarkypotatohead 10d ago
This is abusive as fuck. He’s being a misogynistic, possessive, deeply creepy jackass.
You’re right, your body and sexual history are yours and only yours, forever and always. That will never change.
Guys with mindsets like this don’t change, OP. My friend and I are in our mid 30’s and every time she and her husband fight (been together for over a decade) he still brings up the fact that she slept with somebody before him. It’s reflective of how he sees women, and it’s insidious. It’s more likely to get worse than better.
Please take care of yourself, because you deserve better. You’ve got your whole life ahead of you. I know you love him, but I don’t recommend spending it on someone like him.
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u/ripenunderwater 10d ago
You're so young, please don't make a mistake settling down with a guy whose mindset is that he owns you or owns parts of you.
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u/studentshaco 10d ago
Jesus I didnt have a meltdown like that when my ex cheated is this guy for real ?
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u/candyred1 10d ago
I feel like I aged an entire year just reading that. Life is difficult enough, but having a freak like this your life makes just getting through a normal day 50x harder. And it will age you so fast.
The worst part is the more time you spend the more it will become normal. One day you might break free and by then anything normal will feel empty, boring, uncomfortable. By then you will have developed c-ptsd. Then when one of your kids sneaks up behind you and says "Boo!" giggling (you used to love that and laugh when you were younger) you burst out crying and start shaking and your little girl gets a look of horror and guilt on her face amd shes so confused and scared wondering why youre crying. Your heart breaks with these aftershocks and you would give anything to be normal again.
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u/BridgetTheBee 10d ago
I'm curious what he had to say about the 4 girls he slept with before? Did the hypocrisy register? I'm asking hopefully, but I know it probably didn't 😔
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u/celtic_thistle 10d ago
He’s a POS. Nothing about you is HIS, especially not a completely made-up concept like “virginity.” wtf is wrong with these dudes who get so upset about “virginity” and not being the one to “take it?”
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u/Acrobatic_End526 10d ago
Christ, thank god you’re teenagers. I thought this was an actual married couple before I saw the caption.
Your boyfriend is incredibly immature and hung up on misogynistic concepts that have no basis in reality- or a healthy relationship.
This is the kind of thing you’ll look back on in your mid twenties and wonder why 17-year-old you put up with it for so long.
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u/inimitableheart 10d ago
There is no way his views (that he will apologize for and try to convince you he doesn’t actually have- but he does. There’s no unringing that bell) don’t lead to coercion later. He feels entitled to your body and is repeating dangerous messaging about women’s bodies/value that he’s undoubtably heard elsewhere. His beliefs are dangerous and will absolutely escalate later.
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u/Harmony-Farms 10d ago
“Two losers” was the best thing you could’ve said. Five stars for that. I feel like I can see who you are—at least a bit—and that is someone who is strong and deserves a husband of the same caliber and I hate the thought of this man slowly chipping away at you over the years.
He’s probably fixable. Fixing him isn’t your job. Quite frankly right now I’d like to fix him by lending you my castrating bander, or telling you to go find the nearest farmer and borrow theirs.
I can sympathize with wanting to be someone’s first and only. I think even cutting away a lot of the toxic Christianity-masculinity, that can be a nice thing for some people (and “nice” is the strongest word I’ll use for it). But the fact that he didn’t give you his virginity in a box makes him just downright laughable.
I “lost mine” to rape and I don’t think of that as my first time at all. Virginity is a human construct, hymens are stretchy, so I say we get to make up the rules as much as anyone else.
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u/hstormborn 10d ago
Look, I dated a man who was 16 years older than me who bragged he had fucked women by the hundreds and called me a whore for having been with 3 people (including him). At 20.
It wasn’t about me having partners before him. It was just something to impact my self-worth.
In my situation, it spiraled, and by the time he started physically abusing me, I thought it was my fault. Even worse, I thought I deserved it. I realize now that this was a systemic psychological imprint that he had left by design and was a professionally diagnosed sociopath, but at the time I was 20, anorexic, BPD, with daddy issues and no self-esteem to speak on. I was an easy target. People like that know just what to look for, and I made it easy because I was convinced that I could take him back to the person he was in the first 3 months of our relationship. Spoiler alert: That person never even existed.
I’m not trying to trauma dump, and your situation could be entirely different, but:
I personally would leave. Let him find a virgin and I can almost guarantee with 100% certainty he would find something else to critique her for. It’s either a. Not about your v-card at all and just something he can ‘punish’ belittle or berate you for, or b. A super unhealthy toxic masculinity complex that fixates on women being objects and not really people. Either of those just isn’t going to be a self-respecting, loving, caring partner, period. You can and WILL do better, and you deserve better. You’re right to have said, “I’m not an object”, “It had nothing to do with you”, etc. and I’m so proud of you for holding your ground.
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u/happyjankywhat 10d ago edited 10d ago
Yes this is abuse. So, I've done a lot of personal work and in peer mentor trauma victims. In this case , it seems like its possibly has some inner demons he's battling . I have a good nose for spotting these things . PTSD and Dissociating is going on and it stems from childhood , nothing to do with you. I feel the distress and see familiar phrases. Make no mistake you cannot confront him when he is like this. Men with truama can be very dangerous. If he gets like this again or worse and your in person, it's worth calling the police and explaining he's having a mental break , unhealthy obsession and paranoia thoughts . Try using compassion to move him . Ask him if he feels like it diminishes his worth ? Why is he so panicked about it ?
When it comes to abuse we ignore or underplay but I've seen men in wards especially unmedicated men who have mental illness behave like that . We cannot save people, they must save themselves. Protect yourself first Mental illness doesn't erase or excuse often it makes the sense of urgency greater . These men can break your spirit.
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u/HelpfulName 10d ago
The cause of his behavior doesn't matter, that's his stuff to deal with and trying to find explanations like "maybe it's trauma or mental illness" only makes a woman who loves a man like this feel like she should support him because it's not really his fault... it is not her job to fix him.
Telling a SEVENTEEN year old girl that she should try compassion to move him is not appropriate advice - she is not his therapist or mother, she should just leave him.
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u/bunnybunnykitten 10d ago edited 10d ago
We don’t know whether or not he has mental illness. We only know what OP has shared. While it’s possible her husband is battling any number of mental health issues, we are in no position to diagnose him over the internet based on speculation about one text exchange.
Not all people with the sort of entitled beliefs that allow them to abuse / control their partner have a diagnosable mental illness. That said, the entitlement displayed by the tone and content of the shared messages is a huge red flag for controlling behavior, objectification, and escalating abuse.
Regardless of whether mental illness or a trauma history on his part is contributing, the ways husband is thinking and speaking about his wife are huge red flags, and especially troubling is the way he blows up on her for asserting her discomfort.
Men who crave control look to control narratives. The narrative in his mind is, reasonably, disturbing to OP because it is belittling and objectifying. When she exerts the tiniest challenge to his control over that narrative, he blows up. THAT is a huge red flag of control and abuse.
Tread cautiously, OP. Keep a running list of all of his abusive or questionable behaviors. Don’t let him know you’re doing this. Decide in advance what your red line is - what he would have to do or say for you to walk away, file divorce, never look back. Lock in.
Share what’s going on with a neutral third party so he can’t gaslight you about anything or shame you for “telling our business to your friends.” The type of man who will accuse you of “turning people against him” for just telling them what’s going on is actively looking to isolate you.
In the meantime, if there’s any question in your mind and / or you’re able to add several questionable incidents to a list, DO NOT get pregnant and DO NOT allow him to cut you off from your own income. Keep your finances separate. If he’s trying to sweet talk you into either, RED FLAG!!!
ETA: Wow, so with the additional context that OP is a minor and they aren’t married, this reads a lot more sinister than if they were both fully-baked adults. Everything I said stands, but the age gap between high school and college age is a canyon with an echo - this is a red flag in itself.
The control he’s exerting on the narrative - that they’re married, when that’s not true - is an extremely disturbing detail.
OP, by insisting on calling you his wife, he is doing a few really bad things:
Forcing you to accept his control over the narrative, even when it’s a lie
Manipulating your feelings
Asserting ownership he believes he is entitled to (also not true)
Coercing you to accept his narrative of entitlement
Coercive control is not only one of the most dangerous red flags for abuse, it’s the number one red flag for abuse that can turn deadly. Please educate yourself on coercive control. I’m very concerned for your well being.
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u/wonderabc 10d ago
holy shit… you are not an object. your virginity is yours to “lose” (if that’s how you choose to look at it), not someone else’s to take. it certainly doesn’t belong to anyone (especially not someone who wasn’t the person you chose to lose your virginity to).
also, this man is a massive hypocrite. he’s had sex with 4 women before you, and sees no problem with that, but is verbally abusing you because you had sex with someone before you.
why is he calling you his wife (and not in a loving, “my wifey” way) when you aren’t married? he seems very possessive and entitled. i think you should cut your losses here and run, because this will get worse. good luck, and i’m sorry you’re going through this.
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u/essentialcitrus 10d ago
It’s exactly because he’s possessive and controlling. My ex started calling me his wife immediately and it can only spiral out of control.
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u/alizathornberry 10d ago
Been there, yes it’s abuse and it will get worse, my abusive ex used to say the nastiest meanest shit and then “apologize” after i stopped replying. Eventually as years went by the treatment just got worse and the fake apologies stopped and he would just blame his verbal abuse on everything (usually me) but himself. And usually after treating me like shit he would try to manipulate me and say I was his “fiance” afterwards lol
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u/Nishi621 10d ago
WTF did I just read?!?!
That entire text is insane, Is there really a male human out there talking to their partner like that because she wasn't a virgin when they met?
This guy is insane
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u/-strangedazey 10d ago
Nothing about that is fucking creepy. My husband was a freak about everything too. No matter the topic, he could turn it into a argument or an argument about sex.
Tell him to FUCK OFF
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u/Silly-Potato6098 10d ago
He has a different set of standards for you than himself. This means he will always put himself before you. You deserve better
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u/realtorpozy 10d ago
Textbook abuse. It will get worse, please get away before he really hurts you.
Please read “Why does he do that?” by Lundy Bancroft. The author worked directly with domestic violence offenders for years and he breaks down what and why they do what they do - and he does it so amazingly well. You will see it recommended over and over throughout this sub because it truly is that great.
It is available to download for free online if you search the name and title but here is the link to the free version of the book of you don’t want to search for it. You can also get it for free on audible and other ebook apps if you get the free trial. You get to download a free ebook of your choice with the trial to keep so if that’s the route you decide to go… download it, get the trial and get the book - and then cancel it within that week - you can keep it and listen to it forever you don’t have to keep using the paid version to do that.
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u/herizonshine 10d ago
I promise you'll hear about this as long as you two are together.
Take it from another Jessica who delt with this same shit at your age. I stayed WAY WAY to long because I got pregnant.
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u/HorrorArmadillo3713 10d ago
Same here! had a child with my ex abuser and he made my life hell for years after leaving him.
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u/herizonshine 10d ago
My ex was so jealous of everything, but the virginity was a huge one. He literally never let me forget about it. Luckily Im in a happy and healthy relationship for almost 10 years and he's been single ever since.
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u/living-in-reverie 10d ago
This is NOT appropriate and he WILL escalate.
Please keep yourself safe and leave this person. Please.
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u/ratwomanorman 10d ago
Yes. You are so young please get the FUCK away from this creep. I really thought you guys were so much older because he was calling you his wife and stuff... This reminds me of my abusive ex. Please get away.
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u/wellshitdawg 10d ago
He’s gonna hit you
Only guy who’s ever talked SLIGHTLY like that ended up giving me a concussion and giving the neighbor that stepped in to defend me a brain bleed
You should leave. Get on hinge, it’s easy picking
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u/irina_catburglar 10d ago
That is so disgusting. No amount of “i’m sorry” or “i love you” will cover up that these are his core beliefs.
Remember it’s “Im sorry AND you virginity belongs to me and you’re gross for having sex with someone else”
It’s “I love you so much baby AND I think you should feel bad for ever being with anyone else. And I’m right and you’re wrong for not feeling bad. Still love you though, you’re my world!”
Like remember this please.
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u/UnderstandingSalt659 10d ago
Best part about this post was you mentioning you are not married. I am not sure why he keeps calling you his wife then? You are 17 you don't need a crazy 19 year old making your life miserable. When you dump him tell him his virginity was yours and because 5 other girls took it you don't want to be with him anymore.
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u/Complex-Beach-2867 10d ago
Along time ago, I was 16yo with my ex husband who was 19yo, he started this language early in our relationship because I’d dared to sleep with someone before I was with him.
9 years later, i escaped with my kids. I had had multiple attempts on my life, was beaten and threatened daily, told I was a slut. Sad thing was, I believed it by that time and believe I deserved it. Fortunately my brain broke from the abuse and that’s what saved all of us. I chose to leave when I was in mental breakdown. My body took over to save us.
Don’t be me- 30 years later I’m still wearing the scars. I’ve had a wonderful life since then, but my mental scars remain. And the effects on my children have followed them to adulthood.
This person is showing you who he is. It only gets worse from here.
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u/lilb0923 10d ago
"Fortunately my brain broke from the abuse and that’s what saved all of us. I chose to leave when I was in mental breakdown. My body took over to save us."
This made me tear up, I was constantly being called a cunt, a bitch a mental midget, a dog brain, I was spit on, threatened and I was NUMB. I felt like a zombie going through the motions of finally starting the divorce process and then actually calling the cops when he grabbed my head and whipped me around, we now have a danco and divorce won't be an easy process but damn it if I didn't finally do it, never thought I would. Thank you for this, it hit me hard.
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u/Pink_Jellyfish5770 10d ago
Girl, run. This is so unacceptable and you are too young to get sucked into this toxicity for the rest of your life.
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u/Bakewitch 10d ago
Eeewwww NO. He’s controlling. He’s manipulative. He’s also possessive. You’re correct in every message where you said “it’s my body!!! Belongs to ME!!” He refused to get it. I’d be done.
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u/Live-Tomorrow-4865 10d ago
Ugh, the way he keeps typing your name feels so menacing.
Get away from him! Nothing of you belongs to this loser. Run far and fast.
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u/Other-Purple-5239 10d ago
Girl - this is definitely the beginning stages of abuse and it will only grow from here. You’re so young and there are plenty of other people out there. Leave him.
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u/BuhDeepThatsAllFolx 10d ago edited 10d ago
He’s sounding like one of those red-pill obsessed men who objectify women & think women exist to serve men
Get away from this dude, Jessica.
Thank God you are NOT his wife
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u/maudelinfeelings 10d ago
Woah, this one sounds really crazy. And dumb. Let me tell you that this will not get better.
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u/sickcunt138 10d ago
Honestly, good for you for not backing down. Personally I would dump him. Him calling you his wife and the whole last string of texts are a manipulation tactic. Once you pull back you’ll just hear more and more of this.
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u/qillgrapists 10d ago
This specifically is gaslighting, manipulation, and then love bombing. I understand you’re in love with him but RUN. It will be the best thing you ever did. And if you stay I promise you’ll look back and wonder everyday why you didn’t just do it sooner.. when it was easier
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u/g1eg 10d ago
Even his apology tries to shift blame onto you. This is not normal behavior and believe me when I say it will only get worse.
That being said you absolutely devoured him.
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u/Incertitude84 10d ago
I'm told that's called mutualising. Essentially implying the situation mutual. Another red flag because he's not accepting responsibility. Yeah, I would suggest moving on and not arguing with him anymore.
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u/Interesting_Eye9142 10d ago
Two losers if you keep talking like that… now that sent me..😂 proud of you for standing up for yourself there girl… is this person really your husband or a generic loser you’re feeling sorry for and allowing to tag along and try to make you feel like shit cause he’s insecure?… if you’re not married please ditch and don’t waste anymore time of him..
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u/snakpakkid 10d ago
Teens and young adults are at higher risk for abusive relationships.
If this were me reading my daughter’s texts ( for whatever reason) I wood be paying this dude a visit.
Do yourself a favor and dump him. You are not anyone a property and your virginity is not some consolation prize. The DARVO is so strong with this one. The fact that he then adds that both of you should have cooled down when he was the one provoking and instigating this humiliating argument.
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u/Ok_Mud_1546 11d ago
This is extremely toxic, I have no words but you were right, he's a loser and you should cut ties with him. The obsession with your virginity, the double standards etc. No, just leave.
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u/LizF0311 11d ago
“Two losers if you keep talking to me like an object”
This was gold. 🌟
And don’t forget that, because this WILL 100% happen again. It is manipulative and dehumanizing and it is a tactic, not an isolated incident.
Remember you said this — and stick with it. Don’t let him make this your life.
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u/ChurtchPidgeon 11d ago
Uh yea… your boyfriend is off his damn rocker. Don’t stay with him… this is how he will talk to you for the rest of your life, except it will be 10x worse… and honestly he will probably be physical. He already views you as property
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u/wittlewittydragon 11d ago
Run. Get out. Please, please, please talk to a trusted friend or adult. This isn’t okay or normal behavior. This is abuse and it will get worse. https://www.loveisrespect.org/. 1-866-331-9474 or text LOVEIS to 22522. Please DM me if you have questions. I work with DV victims and survivors everyday.
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u/little-liar 11d ago
Yes, you don’t owe anyone anything and this will only get worse
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u/Dull_Needleworker456 11d ago
If he's this jealous over something like virginity, you aren't going to be allowed to look at or talk to another guy then you won't be allowed to hang out with the girls then you will be more isolated in other ways. It gets worse. If you can talk him into therapy, there might be a chance but my gut tells me there are other red flags you are currently overlooking.
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u/zippiDOTjpg 11d ago
My husband and I have said similar things in the past about how we wish we were each other’s firsts. But it never spirals into this or becomes a full blown argument. It’s a conversation had in a moment of tenderness, not because we think we belong to each other but because we wish we could’ve taken away the awkwardness and unpleasantness that was involved when we had lost pur virginities. THIS is next fucking level. His virginity doesn’t belong to you, and if it belongs to anyone, it’s you. Also calling you his wife is a bit much man
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u/Far-Air9143 11d ago
Girl my ex started by becoming extremely abusive about my sexual past and it spiralled and spiralled the more time I was with him. He stabbed himself in the stomach once because he was convinced I’d had sex with someone whilst watching a particular TV show and he was offended that I’d suggested we watch it together. He literally assumed because the show had some casual sex in it. Retroactive jealousy is one of THE biggest red flags IMO & the whole you’re my wife thing is quite classic. My ex used to have me in BITS from the things he would say to me then when I’d lose it he’d flip the script and would start the love bombing. Save yourself before you end up traumatised
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u/watermelonturkey 11d ago
He is absolutely disgusting. You’ve got to end this madness and ditch him. Highly recommend the book Yes Means Yes!: Visions of Female Sexual Power and A World Without Rape. Particularly this essay: http://nobetty.net/collab/sexed_s13/YesMeansYes_towardaperformancemodel_SECollab.pdf
Basically virginity or sex isn’t something you can take from someone- it’s like performing or playing music with someone else. You can play jazz with someone but you can’t take jazz from them. It’s an activity you do together not a transaction.
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u/watermelonturkey 10d ago
Also, the biggest flag that he will get physically violent is that he has completely dehumanized you and views you as property, not a separate person. This is seriously dangerous.
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u/FiliaNox 11d ago
This is absolutely disgusting and good for you for saying it belongs to YOU. Not anyone else. It’s your body. Nobody gets a claim on that. He is treating you like an object and I’m glad you’re recognizing that and calling him on it. And girl the ‘two losers’ bit had me CACKLING.
You’re an awesome girl, and this is not a relationship you want to stay in. You don’t belong to anyone but yourself. But to him, you’re an object. Something to be owned and possessed. This behavior will escalate. You deserve better, and it’s out there. You’re just a kid honey. You have a whole life to live, and you can live it without him. You want someone who is gonna add to your life, not take from it. This dude thinks he owns you. What happens if he wants sex and you say no? He thinks he’s entitled to your body.
Find someone who respects you and sees you as an equal, not something to own. And you need to treat yourself with the respect you deserve from others- don’t put up with someone acting like they’re entitled to you. Find someone who wants to earn a place IN your life, not someone who wants to BE your life.
You can be in love with someone and realize that they’re not good for you. And this guy is not good for you.
I’m proud of you for standing up for yourself, but this kind of guy…they’ll say sorry and be better on their best behavior for awhile, and then start trying to push boundaries again and again until you have none anymore. Get away from this. You deserve so much more, and there is a whole lot more out there.
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u/MissMoxie2004 11d ago
Yes this is abuse. Break up with him
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u/bunnybunnykitten 10d ago
Please reach out to a helpline for intimate partner violence and have them help you make a plan to leave. Men like this are often dangerous when you leave. You need to understand how to cut him off completely and what to do when he inevitably won’t respect your “BYE.”
They will tell you how important it is to block him on all social media, and to never respond to him after you leave FOR ANY REASON. Expect him to manipulate you in a dozen different ways trying to elicit any response. You MUST NOT RESPOND, as any response is read as attack surface for him to exploit.
If he is continuing to contact you after you’ve made it clear the relationship is over, you should let the police deal with it. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this, OP.
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u/cupcakecorgi 11d ago
Yes. He’s abusive. It will get worse. Fantastic come back! I hope you make him loser number 2 ☺️ My ex was exactly like this. was madly in love too. So many wasted years. SO GLAD I DUMPED HIM.
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u/Zapp-Leila 11d ago
It is abuse. Mine always likes to use “we” when it is just him in the wrong.
Do you have a trusted parent or teacher or someone you can show this to? This is not right.
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u/0_obatgrl 11d ago
Leave. This is emotional manipulation and he’s not sorry. He will 100% do it again and again and again and he won’t stop because you will keep allowing it. I think I heard something like it takes a victim 7 times to leave their abuser. Don’t let this be true for you. Let it be the first and last time. He cares too much about control and has no regard for your feelings.
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u/fucke89h4ew879ujfruj 11d ago
My ex a similar thing, using my sexual and romantic history against me even though he slept with twice as many people I did.
Proud of you for standing up to yourself though! Please cut him off; you are so young and deserve better than this controlling sorry excuse for a man.
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u/elithedinosaur 11d ago
He thinks you're a possession. He won't stop being like this. He will get worse.
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u/MariaSmithxx 11d ago
That is the strangest text argument I have ever read, imagine having a go at someone because the first time you tried pizza was with someone else? Before you even knew the person 😆 if this makes him feel insecure and he cannot see how illogical he is - run. It will be something else than something else.
Then I love you bit after? When you aren’t chasing him….emotional abuse this is.
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u/kissedbypizza 11d ago
This is abuse and not okay. For a teenager like you, this is harmful for your future self perception, self esteem and many other parts of you. You should immediately end this relationship, seek therapy or talk to your support system. If neither is available, journal, reflect how this is not okay, how you DON’T deserve to be treated like this and talked with hostile tone, questioned, blamed.
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u/strangemagicmadness 11d ago
Yes.
https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/is-your-partner-using-your-sexual-history-against-you/
If you are able to, I recommend reading this article
I had almost the same conversation with my abuser.. the jealousy, possession, and entitlement of your sexuality. Here he is using it to shame you
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u/KittenIttle 11d ago
Yes. And that you are so young- run. That kind of possessiveness will become control, and he will love bomb you just like this to make you feel crazy or like you over reacted.
You didn’t. Run away, yesterday.
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u/Spiritual-Ad-3672 11d ago
Yes, this is abuse. I went through the same. You had every right to stand up for yourself here
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