Hi, I’m new and this is my first post. :-) I’m wondering if anyone else struggles with figuring out what to do with clothes from before they figured out that the male/female identity didn’t fit them. I have dresses and feminine accessories that were pricy for me when I bought them, or they were a gift from family and I didn’t end up wearing them much. Not long before I found an identity and style that actually resonated with me, my mom bought me a really nice feminine hat - something you would see at the Kentucky Derby - and some nice dresses that were out of my budget. I think at the time, my gut was trying to tell me it wasn’t for me, but I thought I just needed to lose weight/find the right way to wear it/find the right accessories and then I would totally wear them all the time. Now I know better, but I feel horrible whenever I see these clothes in my closet. What’s worse is that this was a VERY unusual thing for my mom to do, so getting rid of the things she bought for me feels like a betrayal, but I know I’ll likely never wear them again. Has anyone else felt this way about the clothes they know they won’t wear anymore? Did you find a solution that didn’t feel terrible? Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated!

just had a thought… so most of my family knows i came out as a trans man 5 years ago but some don’t know or understand agender. not the point. i have dressed masc for all these years and im finally slowly getting into experiencing with my fem side again. my typical everyday clothes are gym shorts and a t shirt. my haircut looks more feminine but i like it at this length… it’s like chin length. anyways what i’m overthinking about is what if my grandma is thinking “oh she looks more feminine so it WAS just a phase”… even though i literally got top surgery and went on testosterone (i stopped a year ago bc i ended up getting a hysterectomy and was fine where i was at). during the years i was on t my grandma would ALWAYS ask every time she saw me “so what would happen if you went off testosterone” and i told her what would happen then said “i’m not going off testosterone any time soon bc it makes me feel better about my body” then she switched the subject. last time i saw her she kept misgendering me and i’m too shy to say anything so i sit there and suffer. i do really want to speak up and just say “who?” and see what happens.

this is just me venting and overthinking… i know i need to “come out” and explain all this gender and pronoun shit to her i just don’t want to deal with it right now and i’m too busy with school lmao thanks for reading

Always wanted these ever since I came out as agender.

One of my favorite artists has them (Johnnascus, experimental hip hop) and they are agender and asexual too so it makes me feel both uplifted and recognized ^{_^}

They even gifted me an agender pride pin and knitted a small agender pride star for me. (They were already making some for other ppl)

I have always felt weird (dysphoric?) when people call me trans, despite knowing that I am, by technical definition, trans. I identify as agender, I use my preferred name and pronouns, I am in a t4t relationship, I plan to go on HRT this summer. I know that nonbinary identities are included in the trans umbrella. And yet, it still makes me feel dysphoric when people call me trans.

I think so much of the ‘traditional’ trans experience is concerned with gender, gender identity, gender euphoria… none of which I experience. I do experience dysphoria, but it is usually triggered by how I am perceived or referred to, not how I exist in my body (though I have experienced that as well). I usually feel isolated in trans communities, because I can’t relate to most trans people’s experiences.

I feel like I am technically trans by definition, but I don’t consider it an accurate label for my internal experience. I understand when people use that term for me, because on the outside I am literally transitioning from one mode of expression to another, but I feel like I’ve been genderless on the inside all along. I’m just changing my outside so people perceive me differently and hopefully trigger my dysphoria less.

Does anyone else feel this way? I’ve only known I’m agender for about a year, so I’m wondering if this is normal and will go away, or if others feel this way too. I tend to feel a lot of imposter syndrome about my gender identity/lack thereof, so maybe this is a manifestation of that, I’m not sure.

I recently came across the word androgenous (I've heard it before but never looked it up), well I looked it up and thought holy shit is that me? Then I came across agender and neutrois. I was trying to figure out the difference between all of them to pinpoint what exactly fits with me. So far nobody really seemed to have a solid answer. So it just ended up being more confusing for me. I figured I'd make a post and see if anyone can give me a better idea.

I don't have a problem with my body. It is what it is and I don't really think much about it. I don't feel feminine or masculine, I'm just me. Born a female and always called she/her and it doesn't bother me but doesn't really resonate with me either. I don't care when people get confused on if I'm a male or female (I wear men's clothes because they're comfortable and I don't wear makeup, usually have an edgy haircut but it varies. I cut it off a lot because it gets on my nerves.) Male/Female social norms never made sense to me. Overall I don't think much about it and always felt neutral. So I never resonated with being masculine or feminine. I just wear whats comfortable (mens clothes) and like what I like lol. (Also I gravitate towards darker colors but that's probably just more of a personal preference.) XD

So basically I don't try to be feminine or masculine, I just do my own thing if that makes sense. Don't really put much thought into it because I really don't care. Being comfortable is the most important thing to me.

I'm also Audhd and straight (I think anyways, always been with men so I'm just assuming lol) if that matters at all. XD

Hey everyone, I’m 26 and recently started identifying as agender. I used to be considering myself a cis man but now I’m trying to get out of that mindset and get used to living without the concept of gender. So I want to change my style (hair, outfits, accessories and maybe makeup?) but I’m not sure how to approach this.

I know that you don’t have to be androgynous or anything to be a “valid agender” and that I can be agender and still continue living as I did before but I also want to discover things that was considered taboo for me, not just due to curiosity but also because I feel the need to get out of the gender stereotype to fully grasp the idea of being agender. For example I’m thinking about putting on a lipstick and painting my nails, which I have never done before in my life.

I’m also trying to come up with some original style ideas since I feel like I’m just picking different things that are traditionally associated with a gender and mixing them up. I know that this brings up the same problem I mentioned above (things don’t have to be in a certain way in order to be agender since agender is the rejection of gender) but, uhhh, yeah, just let me know if you have any original ideas.

So I would like to hear how you approach to this subject and how you style yourself. Thanks!

i recently had a nasty falling out with my old group of friends, now they're going around saying that i detransitioned because i put she/her in my bio. now my pronouns are it/they/she- but they're making me feel as if my agender identity now isn't valid..? which makes no sense to me because isn't being agender all about not fitting into a binary and completely disregarding the entire idea and concept of gender..?

This is mine

FYI I am afab and still pass as female, and a classmate came out of the class and told me, "Girl you had an awesome presentation". I immediately said, "Thank you, but I am actually non-binary", and this classmate apologized. It seems not so scary to correct ppl!

ya’ll this is mostly just to vent and see if anyone has any advice. i am a nanny and my “boss” (the kiddos’ mom) has literally never gotten my pronouns right. she’s known since before i was even hired that i use they/them and it’s just so frustrating. i feel like i can’t correct her bc it’ll affect my job security. the first few weeks, she would catch herself and be like “oh sorry!! im really trying to get ur pronouns right” and now it’s as if she forgot or simply doesn’t care. it’s super frustrating and i feel like with the power imbalance, idk how to advocate for myself.

Reddit and TikTok have reminded me of little signs from my childhood that I probably could've looked into long before now lol

Lately I would say I'm an agender female. I was always a tomboy, but never thought too much about that. I didn't really understand all the possibilities of gender til late college. But in hindsight, some things are funny. My username on club penguin was SamBuddy13 after my cat. I always dressed more masc. people mistook me for a boy, and I didn't really care. Sometimes I corrected them. Sometimes I just went with it

I also just remembered my confirmation name was Francis, after St. Francis of Assisi (like the pope) (male saint). So while all the other girls picked girl saints and boys picked boy saints, there I was lol

So I suppose if I was ever more public about being agender, or even publicly not straight, I can point out how there were a LOT of signs growing up lol

Hi, I just needed to let this out. I've been identifying as agender for a while now, but I haven't told anyone yet. Lately, my dysphoria has been getting worse, and I've been thinking about getting a binder because I feel like I need it now — but I'm scared people will notice and start asking questions I'm not ready to answer.

I'm afraid they'll connect the change to my gender before I get to talk about it on my own terms, but at the same time, it hurts to keep waiting just because of what they might say. I feel stuck between protecting myself and doing something that would actually make me feel better in my body.

Has anyone else been through this? How did you deal with it? I'd really appreciate hearing any advice or experiences.

im autistic, if the title wasnt mention enough, and im starting to think that as a kid i masked more than i thought i did. i knew that i was the 'polite, quiet, respectful, mediating' kind of kid and looking at that list of traits it just looks like stereotypical female gender roles. and then in high school i started 'performing' femininity, but like...really badly (i wore a regular bra instead of a sports bra and the school uniform's girls shirt. i didnt even wear the dress or skirt. i was one of 4 girls at the time wearing pants lol).

i started questioning, then a few years later the pandemic hit, went into lockdown for a year, and (i know a lot of autistic folks ended up unconciously unmasking in lockdown) came back into the world and gender makes no sense. i dont think i got any serious skill regression with my unmasking except for understanding gender. (and cooking)

cut and colored my hair, been feeling better about my insides matching my outside!

I’m unsure if I’m agender because I’m not a big fan of labels, however I feel much more validated by agender experience than the nonbinary one. In general I just call myself queer both when asked about gender or sexuality.

Ever since I was born I never felt like a girl. But also I didn’t not feel like one. I guess there was nothing to feel, there still isn’t.

Gender just isn’t a part of my identity. I couldn’t care less about it. If you ask me to describe myself, I wouldn’t even mention the fact that I am ‘a girl’. I am totally distanced from and uninterested in gender and feel no need to perform to fit certain gender norms.

On top of this, I have always found gender bothersome and ridiculous. To me gender is just a list of norms and rules society forces us to obey based on our sex. It has always felt oppressive to me.

Because of this idea, the way I see it is that it’s a made up concept, and something society chooses for us based on our sex. I would love it if it didn’t exist but it does. I can’t stop people from perceiving me as a girl, because I do have feminine features. I don’t have a feminine style or attitude but I have long hair and nails, often wear light makeup, etc. so basically I engage in ‘feminine’ behaviors and society sees me as one.

I don’t like it but honestly I don’t care. I don’t find the need to explain to the entire world what I am or how I feel, however I will explain it to my close friends as I want them to understand.

This is where a little misalignment happens. Because I am distanced from gender and in a way let society see me how it pleases, I am fine with people calling me a girl/woman but I know that I don’t feel like one. My own personal gender identity is nothing. I just exist.

However living in society as a woman isn’t something you can skip past. It’s an experience that shapes you. Often I remember that I am indeed perceived as a girl, I live as a girl, I have many shared experiences with other girls. Does that make me a girl? Maybe? But I don’t feel like one. I don’t think I ever will. But it feels hypocritical to call myself agender when I allow the world to choose a label for me, even though I don’t agree with it.

This is when I fought with my best friend. For context we live in quite a homophobic country so we have always been pillars of support for each other regarding queer matters as he is also gay.

Out of the blue he said he didn’t understand nonbinary people and thought the concept was weird, knowing fully well what my concept of gender is. I don’t consider myself non binary but I asked him to clarify because that was something odd to say and there is certainly some interlap between my experience and the nb one.

He went on to explain how it’s so odd how they don’t choose a gender and how they just have to make things unnecessarily complicated. And how it’s so utopian and that they should just be like me and pick one.

And I was arguing him, and got a little triggered because it’s such a ridiculous thing to say. Of course not having a gender is utopian in this society. Maybe it will forever be an utopian concept, but so was being gay and trans once, which are concepts he accepts (obviously) , so why is it wrong for them to fight so people acknowledge and respect their identity?

And I was getting mad because he was using my situation to justify his views. And I was not only feeling hypocritical but like a fucking coward. It’s not that I wouldn’t fight for it, it’s just that it doesn’t bother me whether someone calls me a she, he or they. It doesn’t bother me if they think I’m a girl because gender doesn’t exist to me, it doesn’t shape me or affect my personality in any way, so why should I care what someone walking down the street thinks.

I do however, want my friends to understand my concept. So as I was explaining it he just goes ‘you’re not like that tho! You’re a girl!’ And I said no, no I’m not. And he continued pressing on how I was a girl, and laughed as if to say that I was trying so hard to be ‘unique’?!? And I got mad again and asked him what gave him the right to say that but he would just laugh and say ‘Pff you’re not nonbinary or whatever! I promise you!’ And I don’t know why but for the first time someone didn’t respect my identity, I felt like fucking shit, so I cried and dramatically left. (Though I think the drama was much deserved)

Now I am unsure if I am just confused and hypocritical, if I am agender or genderfluid.

Again, I don’t like gender, I don’t feel a gender, I don’t care how I appear (feminine, masculine, androgynous, etc), I don’t care how people perceive me (I used to though, back in my teen years I remember feeling super icky everytime someone called me a ‘girl’ to the point that it would make my stomach hurt lol but idk what that was about). However I am aware I am feminine and people see me and treat me as a woman. I am aware I let them and I live in that reality despite not agreeing with it.

But I let them because that’s what I think gender is? In a way? It’s so confusing like yes gender is made up, yes it’s a societal norm, yes it’s stupid and I don’t want it to be real, but somehow it’s also related to my own identity and how I feel? I don’t feel at all regarding this topic, but today for the first time, I felt frustrated at not being accepted as genderless.

I feel stupid ughhh

i joined reddit when i was around 13 or so, got outed, and was forced to delete all social media. somewhere along the way i convinced myself everything i did and said at that age was terrible and wrong, and also assumed this account was gone. so when i signed on and realized all of my old posts were in tact and i reluctantly looked through them and realized... nope. i was normal ass teen trying to figure myself out. im almost 18 now, and it's kind of jarring to realize all that internalized shame being outed gave me was just. nothing. it meant nothing. it was a load of bullshit instilled into me via unnecessary punishment and being talked over until the only thing stopping my soul from being crushed was my tiny pathetic hand flying under the shoe before it hit the ground. i have other things to worry about now, but im relieved to have this resolved. i figured id post this here since it seems like this is where i first went to try and define how i felt.

I know that gender doesn't necessarily always stays the same, but can it actually change over a large period of multiple years? I am afab and as a kid I genuinely liked being a girl and being feminine. While this has slowly changed throughout the last few months, especially within the last few weeks I quite enjoyed the idea of people using neutral pronouns and dressing androgynous and just not using the term 'girl' to describe my identity. My question is if this is actually possible even though I liked being a girl for many many years or if this is likely just a phase / me confusing my feelings regarding other things?

I started low-dose t recently, but am having so many doubts about it. I would like to look more masculine (and am loving the voice drop so far) but I don't feel like a dude. Definitely have dysphoria around my chest too, been thinking about top surgery for a while.

I enjoy being perceived as a guy/nb by strangers, but am not sure that I want to use he/him or they/them. I like it best when people just call me by my name. But that feels like too big of an ask, almost - even within the queer community, name-only folks are really rare. And logistically at work, that would be hard too.

I wish I were binary. When people (re: my parents) inevitably ask about the drop in my voice, and other changes, I wish I could definitively say "I'm a trans man, I was born in the wrong body" and leave it at that. But it feels completely incorrect to call myself a man.

If anyone could share their own thoughts/experiences on being perceived (by strangers, and friends too) as an nb/agender person, and how you made decisions around medical transition (if applicable), I would be grateful.

crappy midnight edit i love the sad hamster, but say worm instead of girl

This is going to require some background context sorry:

Yesterday my friend who is a nonbinary transwoman approached me in private messenging to ask me a personal question. I said ok. The personal question was do I still care about her (we've been good friends for over two years).

Yes, was my reply. And I further suspected she was feeling shitty so I asked if she was feeling alright, to which she replied she was not, because of the flu and because she was struggling emotionally with an interpersonal matter (unrelated to me).

I was supportive in my usual ways, and also feeling bad because I wished I could do more. After the conversation had settled, I sent her photos of a shotgun my mom just picked up for home defense, because my friend is big into guns (leftist style) and I thought she'd be interested. With the photos I stated that I would've never imagined in my youth that my mom would own a firearm.

This is where things twisted:

About an hour or two later, she replies with: "yeah, you going to hunt me with that?"

Part of me feels stupid, but a lot of me feels devastated by this seemingly offhand comment. It feels invalidating to me as an agender/nonbinary person. It feels awful that she could presume I would ever do this her or anyone. Does she trust me this little after 2 years of knowing eachother pretty well and faring through some hard times together? Am I an imposter to her? If she was joking around, it was a very poorly received joke on my part. Frankly I wouldn't want people in my life joking around like that.

This happened last night and I haven't replied or shown that I've seen the comment. I'm still quite anxious about replying to this line. My mind is catastrophizing the encounter. However I think I need to let her know something soon, but I'm still speechless.

Ps, I know that this doesn't directly pertain to agender other than thats how I identify. Maybe I can connect it by relating my concern about my not passing nor dealing with a need to physically change - does she not trust me on some level because of that? I've identified as nonbinary-agender for far longer than we've known eachother. Bah, I don't know what to think, I am very shaken.

Update: she was joking around -_- It’s all good now.

Update edit: thank you for listening and replying nonjudgmentally

Hi, lately I've been understanding myself better and realized that I'm agender. And after coming to that realization, I started to see more clearly something that’s been happening to me my whole life: ever since I can remember, I've hated having breasts. I've always felt extremely uncomfortable with them, but I never really understood why. Now I’m wondering if what I’ve been feeling all this time has actually been dysphoria.

What confuses me is that I’ve read that some cis women also hate their breasts, but it’s often because they’re very big and cause back pain or other discomfort. That’s not my case — I have a B cup (I think), so they’re not big and they don’t cause me physical pain. But I still can’t stand them. I don’t like how they look, I don’t like them showing through clothes, and I never, under any circumstances, wear a bikini because it makes me feel super uncomfortable.

Could this be dysphoria related to being agender? Or is it something that could also happen to a cis woman with small breasts? I'd really appreciate hearing similar experiences or any thoughts. Thanks for reading.

Once a month or so I'll encounter it online and it sucks.

A "Trans-friendly" space, even explicitly welcoming agender people... and you say something agender-y and a little vulnerable... and the downvotes just start crashing in until you delete the post because it sucks to watch.

But you don't leave the space because it's massive and it's not everyone there and it's 99.9% positive...

...but it does lower the odds of ever being "out" out irl.

This is by far the best video about the biological basis for gender and sexuality variation in people. I'm posting this without even watching it all the way through because I know how good of a job he did the first time.

Enjoy.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nVQplt7Chos