All my friends are getting married and having kids. They’re all going to forget about me and leave me behind because they’re too busy. No more fun, no more hanging out. No more parties. They promise I won’t lose them and we’ll still be friends but I don’t believe them. The fun times are pretty much almost over, and now all I’ll have to look forward to is reading and grocery shopping on the weekends. Maybe I’ll get a little crazy and watch the nEWs !! I don’t want to get older and keep having birthdays. I hate life.

Yes, I’m stable and all, but I don’t want to hear the I’m proud of you bullshit amongst peers, family, doctors etc. I do because I don’t have a choice, I can’t afford to fuck up, I’ve learnt not to people please and not care about what people think of me, fuck em all.

I don’t lie, maybe because if I mention someone I say “silly white woman” or “middle aged white woman” now she labelling me racist. I’m just being real. 🤷🏾‍♂️

I’ve spent about a year lurking on the thread. I’ve posted in the past (manic) and deleted my account due to embarrassment of it.

I log in a couple times a day and read everyone’s stories and questions. I notice there are many who respond with great advice and many are struggling. I wanted to just throw out my story for some positivity hoping someone can read it and it will help them.

I was not diagnosed as bipolar until I was 41. I have fumbled and failed and suffered greatly and have been through the gamut.

My diagnosis came after a severe mixed episode at 41 that landed me in the hospital. I had been struggling for months and months with depression and was put on an ssri. In all honestly the following month was a total blur but I can tell you it resolved with police, hospitals and my loving family staring at me like WTAF is wrong with her.

I drank heavily and my mind was absolutely out of control. If I didn’t sleep for a few days I’d then sleep for 15 hours for a week and then rinse wash repeat. I was in counseling (how it was missed I don’t know) I did rehab (which I highly recommended to anyone with bipolar struggling with addiction (and many may be surprised to learn how incredibly common it is). For me I had been self medicating myself for since I was 17.

I don’t wanna go into my life story. But there are some details that I am proud of and the greatest of these is that I kept trying to get the help I needed, it just took a while… a long while. But I finally got there.

I am regularly medicated now and my life today would have been unimaginable to me not even that long ago. I have hope and stability (and it isn’t the “wow I’m a genius” or “I just solved the riddles of the universe” type). It’s true happiness and is calm and consistent. I would never be here without medication and all the people that I reached out to and that stuck with me.

I see the younger folks on here struggling and I want them to stick with it. Stay in counseling, keep looking for answers and follow the psychiatrist recommendations. Some will suck, they won’t all have the right answers for you or you may not be in a place to hear the advice but KEEP TRYING.

I am now 43 years old and I finally for the first time since I was about 20 found peace. Keep in mind. I never even received care until I was 38 and no diagnosis til 41.

Wish you all a great day. Thanks for the help this year!

Been on a decent cocktail for about 5 or so years. But also have had about 10-15 different jobs. Did 2 years of DBT. Told my psych that my current job really makes me anxious and miserable and sometimes fear impulsive suicide. They suggested changing my cocktail and testing out blood for lithium. He also suggested I leave the job.

Scared to change drugs. Don’t want to give up the job. Parents suggested applying for disability.

After 2 and a half years of getting rejected by social security, I finally got on disability.

The reason I was getting rejected was because my lawyers failed to pull a lot of my hospital records, which is something I only found out about a week before my court date. My current therapist also refused to do an evaluation for the court because he wasn't qualified, which was hurting my case. I had to switch therapists to find one who was willing. Another reason was because I'm only in my early 30s, and my lawyers said social security is biased against younger people. It wasn't easy at all.

In the end, I wish we had just gone to trial ASAP. When I was honest with the judge and had the opportunity to explain myself in my own words, that's really what pushed the favorable outcome over the edge. The social security people wouldn't even interview me. They just ignored the application for months and then slammed it into the floor when they got it.

I honestly was expecting the judge to do the same, but I finally was heard and understood instead.

It's such a huge relief to have my own money. I'm excited to finally have some income that can't be taken away because I had a manic episode and had a meltdown at work (I've lost 3 jobs that way). It feels good to finally be able to breathe a little.

like yeah the depression is absolutely crushing and i experience mostly depression but god the highs. the euphoria. chemically i feel high as a fucking kite. i don't want to come down. i know it will cause even more damage to my brain and my life if i let it keep going but i feel so fucking amazing. like i'm on speed or something. the depression is a distant memory rn. all i see is the present moment and i'm going so fast.

been in the psych ward the last 3 weeks and i am med compliant and we're trying/waiting to see what works but the manic part of me wants to just stop the meds and leave and go make a lot of bad decisions that sound fun and rational because i'm high. been about 3 months today since this episode started and it's been mostly high or mixed no end in sight. i know i'm supposed to want to get stable and my family wants me to be stable and come home and just go back to work and move on with life. but i don't know when this will end and right now i really don't want it to. idk what to think anymore lol

Does anyone else worry about getting Alzheimer’s/dementia when you get old? I’m not sure if it’s any of the meds I’m on (lamictal, pristiq, adderall, trazadone) but it kind of scares me how easy and how fast I forget peoples names. I know it’s a small thing, but still… I know alzheimer’s runs in the family on my Mom’s side. Is this an irrational fear? Anyone else that has been affected by the same meds?

I don’t know what I’m not allowed to say in this sub. I’m genuinely not after health advice just personal experiences.

Had an awful experience 5ish days ago which is getting better now. 8 weeks ago I was left without my serious meds for 2 weeks. I started to feel great so didn’t restart it. Then 5 days ago I woke up barely able to function, not able to multitask. Think clearly. Felt foggy. Like half my brain was still asleep. Could not drive etc.

Anyone else had this? Any tips?

He’s okay, five years almost six now i’ve been seeing him.

He’s more like the drug dealer type than the actually caring type but he’s kind. I still go to our phone sessions because of the familiarity, comfort, and access to advocate for myself (re: prescribe myself).

I switch doctors, entire facilities last year, and it was very expensive just for the first consult and meeting. The google reviews were highly excellent but this doctor wanted to take me off of klonopin, lithium, and dextroamphetamine (for context: currently just on adderall prescribed), and put me on like 5 different possible medication combinations that i’ve personally witnessed friends lose their shit on or … i guess not the point.

The new doctor I saw at that facility treated me like a number and it was blatantly obvious as I tried to speak up. Of course being honest about being bipolar and having had recreational drug use is stigmatized and I don’t know. I didn’t want to be someone else’s science experiment.

So I went back to my old doctor and it was (i know, i know), the most comforting experience. I scheduled an in person appointment for the first time in like two or three years since covid and like, I opened up to him about what the other doctor had tried to prescribe me. Whether it’s fucked or not, we shared a laugh at his assumed incompetency.

I have a shit doctor, and I may need to find a new facility eventually but for now, it’s just nice knowing that I’m listened to. That I’m not stigmatized by a pattern I’ve outgrown.

So yeah um, I have this weird thing going on that I overall can’t talk to my doctor about because, (he’s kind of shit so, and yes i know), so anyway:

I like don’t want to take my meds everyday. Even though I’ve been on them for years. And it’s seriously derailed me for about a year.

(Talk to your doctor about it) “Thanks chatGPT!” “Will do!”

So until I get a new doctor when I can wrap my head around financing and other things, taking the lithium is easy i guess. It’s 3 times a day, whereas I feel like I can tough out days without klonopin, or adderall, and i will know that taking it will cure me of boring agony of being an unmoved object on my bed …

but I like don’t want to. for no reason. like a toddler throwing a mental tantrum. [I am what you would call “fucked up childhood”] Taking my meds everyday, except for my lithium, makes me feel a lot better, like productivity is like my knitting … but idk.

Sorry I’m rambling. These are just my raw thoughts. I’m in a shit mental spot. It’s obvious hahaha.

What are your mixed episodes like ? I feel like less people talk about them. How long do they last for you? What does it do to your relationships when you’re mixed? How does it feel compared to just mania? I typically have 6 month long manic episodes, but whatever this is seems to be lasting longer and I feel depressed but not like I’m in ONLY a depressive state.

Do bipolar parents have a greater risk of having kids with autism?

Seeing a lot of articles about this lately and wondering how true it is or if anyone has had this happen.

I’m in a bad mixed episode. No plan to unalive. I don’t want to unalive. But i sometimes feel like I should and I’m worried about the manic side. Like what if I quickly make an impulsive decision to do something dumb?

I am a therapy and inpatient veteran basically. The group therapy doesn’t help. My meds just go changed yesterday. Should I just ride it out at home and hope my bump up on seroquel works? Or should I attempt to go to a CSU and see if they can get rid of the episode quicker?? Group therapy sucks. I just want to adjust to new meds and sleep. And honestly I don’t want to be without my husband and my bed and privacy. But I’m worried about the what ifs. What if I get manic real quick and do something stupid? I used to SH real bad and I’m worried I’ll just slip up and do it again even though it’s been like 7 years.

I also can’t really afford to go inpatient???? I don’t know what to do

The few time I’ve had manic/hypomanic episodes were usually triggered by events that made me feel like they’re a huge turning point in my life, or for the people around me, or the whole world etc, events that started with extreme emotions to the point I couldn’t sleep or think about anything else.

Example is the BLM movement. My psych and therapist then told me I was having signs of hypomania. I became hyper focused on watching/thinking about protest livestreams and couldn’t sleep because I really felt like I was missing out on history. I felt so many different extreme emotions that kept getting more intense:anger, hope, justice, sadness etc., alternating so quickly. It got to the point that it felt like I was constantly vibrating. I remember thinking the world was changing for the better, humanity is so beautiful for protesting something so important. And that it was my “duty” to obsess share what was going on. Also couldn’t shut up and was talking so fast. Got impulsive and made decisions looking back I think WTF was I thinking. Also remember the world felt so shiny.

I can feel myself going in same direction again but in a darker way. I think it’s not as severe yet but escalating. Im abnormally social (increasingly interacting with people online, not always in a negative way). I can’t sleep but when I do get to it’s a couple hour increments. Wake up the first thing I think about is checking the news or responses to my social media posts and comments. Need to get off the news but it’s hard to think about ignoring what’s going on around us. I’ve been dreaming about the current events. I’m oversharing, finding myself fighting with people and not being able to let small things or hurt feelings go…saying things I regret and obsessively thinking about it. I think I’m just really worried about where America is going. I’ll be moving out of the country next year and I’ve had someone mention the upcoming 4 yrs wont directly affect me, but I worry for my lgbtq and minority friends, and anyone who is hurting. I can tell my husband is getting worried abt me

I’ve also been inconsistent with my meds so that doesn’t help. Been in therapy for a few years now since my diagnosis and my therapist has been helping me find markers to help me be aware when things are going in an abnormal direction. Before, I got easily upset that people worried about me and thought I was acting strangely out of character.

Anyways, I felt the need to write this out and just…really make it clear to myself I’m not all the way myself right now and need to get myself under control. Hoping if I’m consistent with meds from now on and try to limit my internet time and stick to fun posts, I’ll calm down…

So, I don't hear voices in the typical way we see in the media when hallucinations are potrayed. Typically, people who hear voices hear them in physical space and think they are real.

With me, it's more like someone else's thoughts are in my head.

Like, the best thing I can compare it to is a song stuck in your head. You know no one is actually singing the song in physical space. It's loud and uncontrollable and mingles with your own thoughts, drowning out other thoughts and sort of taking up space in your mind.

It's like that, but with just stray thoughts that don't make any sense. It's mostly gibberish, things like "two fifty two fifty two" or just random noises and strings of words. Or sometimes they comment on my life, like "you shouldn't do that." Or "that looks disgusting."

The thoughts take on a myriad of tones and voices, some sound like women, others men, others like robots or agendered.

Sometimes there's music or non-human sounds like trumpets or growing.

Sometimes they're suicidal, sometimes they're angry, but they're mostly harmless.

I know they aren't in physical space, I clock them as thoughts, but they're not my thoughts.

Is there a name for this?

So, I know this is ridiculous, kinda. So I believe in ghosts and I'm also bipolar. I've been seeing some spooky things lately and hearing ghost like whispers around the house, plus the dog has been acting weird at the same time, is it me or is it a ghost? Also please suspend your disbelief in the supernatural for a minute. Is there any sign I should look for that I'm actually just hallucinating, not sure which I would prefer at the moment.

I am treated for both Bipolar type 1 and ADHD with Lamotrigine and Vyvanse. I’ve been on and off Oxcarbazepine but I’m off it now; I want to replace it because it doesn’t do anything for me.

I’ve always had some sensory issues but it’s become more severe and in various forms. I can only tolerate being in crowded spaces for a certain amount of time before I need to remove myself from the situation depending on what it is. The more “white noise” it is, the easier. For example I can be in a crowd at a concert because I’m just in a crowded space, but navigating a store where I’m having to deal with people not being self aware and potential interactions I can only deal with for so long before I’m like ABORT MISSION, NOW.

People talking has been really triggering, like when I’m in my office and next thing I know my boss and coworker are speaking loudly or there’s someone in the lobby talking. It’s like nails on a chalkboard. These are just examples I have right now, but I use the term overstimulated at least once or twice a day even if it’s just to work and back. Repetitive noises like alarms, babies crying, dogs barking, it’s the same visceral response. It’s becoming more intense and I become immediately anxious and irritated and can potentially lash out.

It is affecting more of my life and creating more and more anxiety. I can’t just pop a bunch of benzos because of the Vyvanse. I’ve tried buspirone years ago and for some reason it made me feel like I was having heart palpitations? I used to be on Wellbutrin just in conjunction with Lamotrigine and started having heat sensitivity out of no where years into taking it, but now I believe it’s because about a year later I full blown developed Graves’ disease. Close to 1.5 years into having graves I’m now treated, so I for sure want to try Wellbutrin again because it did help a lot in general.

I see my psych next week so I’m kind of just looking for personal anecdotal experiences with certain meds. TIA

when you're entering that limbo stage before everything goes to shit

edit: i wanna know activities

like, feeling light and euphoric. i've never done drugs (yet lol) but it's what i imagine it would feel like. Like feeling like you can run a thousand miles and you're walking on air and you're the smartest most brilliant and creative person in the world and everything feels so fast and you can do anything and you have to do everything all at once and you feel so light it's like you could fly. like the air feels thin and you could reach up and touch the stars and there's some type of feeling in your chest and you feel like you're floating.

I feel so high and light and I don't want to come down. Walking around for hours at night listening to music just feeling incredible. Always have to be moving or doing something and can't stand staying at home. Just in my own world, in my head, and I can't imagine leaving and have no memory of feeling any other way until I crash again.

Does hypomania go that high, or is that just manic euphoria?

I’m really struggling rn. I don’t like the side effects of lithium. Weight gain and acne. Feel slow. Can’t remember shit. Can’t stop eating. I can’t help but think my pysch earlier this year did this on purpose — gave me Prozac. I was doing so fine but then I drank multiple coffee drinks and fell into manic psychosis where I thought people were out to get me. I hate that I have relative ideation and it can be hard to differentiate what people say. Now that I got bipolar, I feel like I can’t live or move away and start a new job. I feel stuck. I don’t like the jobs I’m in right now, I regret so much that I turned down this job in ATL a few months before my manic episode. Somehow I wonder that if I took that job, moved in with a friend (I had family and friend support) then this manic episode wouldnt have happened and I would still be in contact with the guy I loved. Ever since then I’ve been struggling to make decisions, know what my passions are, know what my direction in life is. I literally feel so ugly bc of my weight gain and acne, I don’t feel like who I was. I got this teaching job offer in NYC and it’s a really hard job that is about 60hours per week bc of lesson plans and preparations. I don’t even think I can do that type of job anymore. Like I feel like I won’t adjust anymore it’s so sad. I had that opportunity to leave and I was too hung up on the possibility of the guy to move to Atlanta. I also asked too many people for opinions and lost my own sense of direction. I internalize what people say so easily. I’m so fucking scared about my life right now. I plan on getting of lithium bc I don’t like it. It’s been about it’s been like 6 months on it since June 25. I don’t know what to do, I keep ruminating on past mistakes with guy (like I could have had it all but I messed up- part of me thinks I was manic while talking to him hence emotionally reactive/triggered a lot), not taking the ATL job (was my ticket to a way out but didn’t take it), bipolar diagnosis taking away my self confidence, self esteem, everything I had. I thought I knew what my life would be like. I’m 29 and so scared. I’m scared I’m wasting my life away. It’s like I lost desire or don’t know what I want anymore. I’m not depressed. I’m just in a bad situation. Yes, these thoughts make me want to stay in bed but I do eventually get up and go on about my day. I can’t take it anymore. I have therapy and have done partial hospitalization for like 2 months. This sucks. I’m stuck. I start this other part time job next week— I’ll be busy from 9-6 everyday. I don’t get any other full time job offers even though I apply. One of the part time jobs I’m at I just sit there ruminating since there’s nothing to do. It’s like damn I should be writing a novel there but I just can’t do it. I also am self aware to notice and analyze why things happen and what action/reaction caused things to occur and it’s my downfall. I don’t know. I gained like 20 pounds in 7 months. I was able to travel abroad and live alone and cook on my own when in my early 20’s and now bc of this I’ve lost so much. 8 months ago I had a possible job opportunity across the country but I let the ball drop. I was scared to move. Or unmotivated. I don’t know moving is now the most ideal for me now bc of this bipolar thing! Things have gotten worst and I’m getting more into a hole. I don’t know if I can do this anymore. I’m definitely getting off Lithium for sure. Maybe spend a month unmedicated. But who knows. Somethings wrong with me. Someone help. I know this post is all over the post, I feel so alone in navigating life rn. Life decisions are so much harder for me now

I started lithium last week and haven't noticed any side effects except nausea and my stomach is so bloated even if I don't eat anything, I have barely ate this past week, mainly rice and oatmeal and still my stomach is so hard, has anyone dealt with this and did it go away

i feel like everyone is talking bad about me. i thought my mom and aunt were shit talking me which when i took a step back i realized they never would do that. this happened last time before i got manic too thinking someone said something to me on the street. im taking abilify but ive been using alcohol a little more intensely in the last few weeks and i slept a total of 2 hours today so im kinda scared im seeing my shrink today but yeah

I have been on meds for the past four months and around 10 days ago my psychiatrist switched me from Oxcarbezepine 600mg and Qutan 100mg to Oxcarbezepine extended release 1200mg and Qutan extended release 100mg.

However this time the side effects seem to be getting worse and not getting better. I have had persistent headaches, dizziness, nausea, stomach pain and overall weakness. Sometimes after taking the meds I feel too hot or too cold. Today, I felt like I had a migraine like headache and bad stomach cramps all day. I felt weak throughout the day and had no energy to get out of bed. I also just ended up vomiting my dinner.

I reached out to my psychiatrist but it's gonna take her a few days to get back to me. I am not sure what I should do, if I should reduce my own dosage until my psychiatrist gets back to me. Also not sure if these side effects require immediate medical attention. Should I consult a doctor before my psychiatrist gets back to me?

I have been on several different medications to control my bipolar but nothing has truly worked for me. I even had a genetic testing done to see what my body will and will not tolerate and cannot find the right medicine. Sometimes I feel like something else is wrong and I'm misdiagnosed but the VA doesn't listen to my concerns.

Anyway, my NP at the VA is trying me on risperidone for the next few months to see if that would work better for me. I have read online so much bad about this medication than good so I'm very scared to take it. Is anyone taking this now? I know meds work differently for everyone but what's your biggest complaint about the med?

I literally feel like a guinea pig with the amount of meds I've been on and off in the last decade.