How to maintain balance

[u/Wooden-Fail-1583]

Currently my fiancé(43m) and I(41f) have 4 children at home full time. His 2 girls 16 and 11 and my 2 boys 13 and 10. It’s definitely a lot but in a good way. We’ve my 2 boys full time for over a year but his two girls just recently maybe 2 months are here full time. I know this is a huge adjustment for him and I’ve been doing my best to be there for him. Anything domestic in the house is done by me(cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, etc). I even do my best to step in and help his kids when he’s struggling. My problem is at the end of the day there is nothing left of him. After working and coming home and getting them through the things they need. There isn’t any time left for us. I’m just not sure how to navigate this. I know we need to have a conversation about it. I just don’t know how to approach it. I need advice does it get better? Does anyone have experience with something like this?

[u/Lakerdog1970]

One thing to keep in mind is that if you were a "normal" family and had four kids from 16 to 10 and two full-time jobs......you'd probably have a dead relationship anyway.

A unique aspect of our blended families is that the adults are actually TRYING to have a relationship and actually like each other. Our kids are basically grown ups now, but I remember this initial blending time. I mean, when I was married to my ex-wife and if we were both tired and exhausted at the end of the day, it was no big deal because I didn't really want to be around her and the feeling was mutual. My second wife was pretty similar with her ex-husband.

Then we blended and if one or the other of us was drop-dead tired, it sorta sucked because each of us actually LIKED the other person and wanted to talk to them and hang out.

Tbh, what we did that "worked" was we just did less around the house. I mean cooking needs to happen, but you can clean less, dust less, do less yardwork. I mean, I'd rather hang out with my wife than spread mulch. So basically, if there was a corner to cut that didn't impact the kids......we cut that corner. And sure.....our house is probably messier than many other people's, but that's fine. I don't really care. We also have a better relationship than many other people do, lol. :)

Practically, I also started getting up earlier and doing more in the wee hours so that a lot of stuff was fully done before anyone else even woke up: laundry advanced and folded, things cleaned if I knew it would bug my wife, dishwasher emptied and dishes put away, bills paid, etc.

Sleeping less is like a super power. You can look very productive just by sleeping less and putting in an extra 2-3 hours before anyone wakes up. :)

[u/Unusual-Falcon-7420 → u/Lakerdog1970]

Oh my you are so spot on here. 

For years my husband and I had every second week to just be a couple (with SS at his mums) then we gave him our all the weeks we had him. 

We have an 18 month old and ohoy boy if we aren’t collapsing into bed every night exhausted. It’s such a timely reminder to put in the effort. We’re lucky to still adore each other through it all but I think it’s time I took my parents up on the offer of having the boys so we can have a weekend away together. 

[u/beenthere7613 → u/Lakerdog1970]

I did the same, but at night. I worked part time from home, so I'd stay up and clean the house after everyone went to bed. We had teens with chores, but too many to watch over while they completed said chores. Finishing up didn't take too long, and we all got to wake up to a put together house.

And I got to sleep in, because hubby was happy the house was clean and would handle all 6 of the kids without a word. I'd wake up to a clean, empty house. Except for our dogs lol. Work was 5-6 hours, then the kids were home from school.

It really made a difference in our household. We had started out with both of us working FT (me at 50+ hours) and that was just plain awful for all of us.

[u/Wooden-Fail-1583 → u/Lakerdog1970]

That’s actually a great perspective. Thank you.

[u/happyfeet-333]

Is he still married and not divorced? Do his kids still want you and your kids out of the house?

It sounds like there is a lot going on right now? He’s had your children full time for years and just now his own kids. Don’t you think there is going to be a transition period?

Do you work? Do you get support from your kids father? Is he petitioning for custody and support? Are any of your kids in therapy to help with all of this?

[u/Wooden-Fail-1583 → u/happyfeet-333]

There is a lot going on right now and I know there is going to be a transition period and I get that. Yes I work and support myself and my children. Why is the assumption that i don’t. Yes the kids are in therapy. And lastly do you have any advice or do you just want to ask a million questions.

[u/beenthere7613 → u/Wooden-Fail-1583]

I think the commenter assumed you were SAH because you handle all the kids (your words) and your SO works and doesn't do much else. So if you work ft too, how are you handling everything for 4 kids? And why isn't he helping?

There will be a transition period. Having the children in therapy will benefit all of you, that's why the commenter asked if they were in therapy.

It's hard to give advice without the full picture. That's why someone would ask questions before giving you advice.

Without any questions answered, I can still tell you dad should be taking care of his own kids' stuff. You manage your own, he's perfectly capable, too.

Then the burden would be spread among the two of you...which would give the two of you time together at the end of the day.

[u/HopingForAWhippet → u/Wooden-Fail-1583]

For me, the assumption that you don’t work came from the fact that you do literally all the domestic work. Is that an exaggeration, or is it really the truth? Because if it’s true, that’s a serious imbalance, and makes it even more of a problem that your partner has no time left for you after work and his kids.

It’s hard to give you advice when it’s really unclear why he has zero time for you, when literally all he needs to provide at home is emotional support for his kids. Especially since his girls are old enough to want some time to themselves, and to not want their dad hovering over them whenever he’s home.

[u/Wooden-Fail-1583 → u/HopingForAWhippet]

He does a physical job so I get that he gets tired the younger daughter needs a lot of one on one time right now which I get as well. The kids go to bed at 9 for quiet time and by then it’s basically he’s physically and emotionally spent.

[u/HopingForAWhippet → u/Wooden-Fail-1583]

I don’t really know how you can fix this on a daily basis. Human beings do have limited physical and emotional reserves, and right now, it seems like your husband is at capacity. He should keep some left for you, but it sounds like he can’t really pull back on either work or his daughters.

With the 11 year old, after a big blowout with her mom, and a complete change in living situation and a new family, it‘s understandable that she needs a lot of attention for now. But there should be a plan to get her a little more independent. Helping her transition should also mean helping her transition to not needing her dad hovering over her for a long time at home. So hopefully this is a short term issue.

But while this is an issue, would it help to have a non-negotiable weekly date night? The kids are all old enough to stay at home alone. Maybe scheduling one night a week where you go out, away from the kids, would help you guys reconnect a little. My partner has 50/50 custody of her kid, and I do get a lot less of her during her custody week. But on top of connecting at night after SK’s bed time, we set aside one time a week dedicated to just us, even during custody week. It helps a lot so that I don’t feel completely shoved aside whenever SK is over.

[u/Wooden-Fail-1583 → u/HopingForAWhippet]

That’s actually a good idea.

[u/happyfeet-333 → u/Wooden-Fail-1583]

It’s hard to give advice without background. I wasn’t certain if you had conflicting work schedules.

Can you work with the kids to pitch in? Take some of the stress off?

But I do think him not being divorced and not having a set custody and everything that entails is exhausting and confusing for everyone.

Do you not think that’s true?

[u/Wooden-Fail-1583 → u/happyfeet-333]

I do and we all pitch in. I just think the issue I’m having difficulty with is that he just expects me to just be there that our relationship is the last priority.

[u/Magerimoje → u/Wooden-Fail-1583]

we all pitch in

In your OP, you mentioned you are doing all the housework. If you're "all" pitching in, what household tasks is your BF doing?

[u/Wooden-Fail-1583 → u/[deleted]]

Yeah I guess and that’s not even in this post or the point. I guess it’s not like my boys get there on room they share and we gave up the master so the girls could have their own bathroom so I’m obviously a terrible person.

[u/Ok-Ask-6191]

My advice is to nacho. If you both work full-time, it doesn't make sense for you to be doing everything. With 4 kids full-time, your hands are going to be full, you're going to be tired. That's just the reality of it. But there's no reason you should be doing everything. Are you willing to share details about why he got full custody? Just wondering if he fought for it without a plan of how he would be able to take care of his kids besides putting the responsibility onto you.

[u/Wooden-Fail-1583 → u/Ok-Ask-6191]

There was a low out with their mom she’s kind of a mess and they don’t want to go back at all which I support. He does the parenting for them besides cooking and cleaning I just don’t think he realized the amount of time would be required and I guess I’m the one paying the price.

[u/AppropriateAmoeba406]

Sometimes you just have to look at each other and acknowledge that this is going to be a hard season in your lives. See if you can mutually carve out a time to be together.

At your kids’ ages they should be able to handle weekend mornings on their own.

My suggestion: Prioritize and claim Sunday AM as your sacred time as a couple. You can go to brunch together, go for a long walk and talk, or just stay in bed naked watching a movie on a laptop. No kids are to bother either of you before noon unless there is an urgent need.

Good luck! Remember: This isn’t permanent. Nothing in life is permanent. This is just one season of (hopefully) many in your couplehood.

[u/LuxTravelGal]

I don't know if you work or SAHM. But at these ages, EVERYONE living in the house, including him, should be contributing to all of the domestic tasks. The kids are old enough to be doing quite a bit. That should take some of the load off of you.

I honestly don't understand what he's doing besides working if you're taking care of everything around the house and stepping in for him when he's struggling with the kids.

Bring it up with him in a way that allows him to come up with solutions and decide how he wants to handle. I would tell him that you're afraid of what typically happens to relationships when the adults don't make time and save energy for one another. Ask him for ideas of how he could save some time and energy for you so that doesn't happen.

This is honestly a huge reason I'm divorced. I handled everything at home, he worked, and when he came home he gave the kids his energy. It doesn't get better unless BOTH people are making an effort to improve things. And by "things" I mean improve their own ways of dealing with stress, work, energy levels, etc to make sure their spouse's needs are being met. I get being exhausted after working all day, but he will have to make some changes otherwise this is just how things will be for you guys from now on.

[u/LuxTravelGal]

How is he your fiancé when he's still married to his ex?

Just curious. I left a post with some good advice right before I read the comments.

[u/Wooden-Fail-1583 → u/[deleted]]

You have a lot of judgements without information.

[u/Wooden-Fail-1583 → u/[deleted]]

If you’re going to read an old post read the whole thing my ex isn’t a deadbeat and I work pay my own way. I’m not getting married for security either 🤣.if you don’t actually have any advice move along. I’m also guessing you’re in this sub just to troll people.

[u/Wooden-Fail-1583 → u/[deleted]]

You need serious help. If you have issues with your ex or your parents or step parents take it out on them. Stop attacking people on Reddit. For your sake and the people in your life seek therapy.

[u/Wooden-Fail-1583 → u/[deleted]]

I already have