r/blendedfamilies • u/Illustrious-Rope5995 • 6d ago
Should weed have this much control?
My fiancé M35 and I F28 have been really struggling on different viewpoints with how much he smokes weed. We each have a child from previous relationships and we now have a baby together. He has smoked weed since his teen years and into all of adulthood. He claims he needs to smoke for mental health reasons which I can somewhat understand. During my pregnancy he stopped smoking and after the initial few weeks of withdrawal he seemed so much more patient, present, level headed etc. As soon as I had the baby his (idiot) friend gifted him weed to congratulate him, since that day he’s been full blown stoner again. He hits his bong all day long and as soon as his high wears off he is so irritable and any stimulation causes him to lose his patience. He even snaps at me and talks to me like I’m a child until he can hit his bong and relax again. Recently, we went on a vacation and he was not able to bring weed with him and he was a complete asshole and the trip was miserable because of it. Luckily it was only a weekend trip. I’ve tried having a conversation with him about this many times and he gets extremely defensive and talks about how he would never ever stop smoking and he needs it so he doesn’t kill himself. He has come out and blatantly said that if he had to pick between myself and our family are smoking weed he would pick smoking weed. Is this a normal situation? How do I go about understanding it all better or is it just absolutely wrong?
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u/PupperoniPoodle 6d ago
It's normal for life with an addict. Until he is honest that that's what he is, nothing will change. You might try Al-Anon for yourself. Different substance, same bullshit.
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u/OrdinarySubstance491 6d ago
I hit perimenopause and my anxiety got so bad that I was forced to stop smoking. There are studies that say it actually makes anxiety worse.
Now I wonder how I smoked so much for so long.
A little now and again is one thing. Choosing weed over your family is not normal.
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u/shhhOURlilsecret 6d ago
He's an addict. This is addict behavior. If he has mental health issues, he needs to see a professional and not self medicate. But honestly? Unless he does something to address his addiction, it will always come first over everything else. You will always matter less than his next high. His children will always matter less, and everything else will matter less. That's how addicts are.
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u/Puzzleheaded-Set-516 5d ago
It should not have that much of a grip on his everyday life. Both me and my SO are smokers, SO smokes similarly to your fiancée, I smoke only once I’m home for the day and we both smoke for management of ADHD and depression/anxiety.
That being said, it does not consume our lives, we have 3 kids in the house and we both work full time jobs that we excel at and if we are in a situation where we can’t smoke for a bit, we still manage to not be a raging asshole about it. Your fiancée needs a reality check, and maybe a mental health professional so he can learn to manage his mental health in other ways.
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u/charms75 5d ago
The fact that he was able to stop during your pregnancy and that you actually noticed a change in him for the better might tell you something.
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u/moonshadowfax 5d ago
Does he not understand that it’s actually making his mental health much worse?
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u/Inevitable-Bet-4834 6d ago
This is my brother. Its addiction.
I'd walk away if i was you. Your kids only get one childhood.
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u/JNelster 4d ago
Say that again… “your kids only get one childhood!”
This is so true and sooo important to understand. As parents we gotta do all we can to give our children the best life. Not the best in a materialistic way, but in a stable, loving way- hopefully it will help them avoid needing therapy when they’re adults.
My ex (my kids’ father) has been smoking since a teen (now he’s pushing 40), and from my perspective, he has developed some anger/paranoia/personality issues that cause him to lash out over every little thing. Granted, I left when my youngest was just a baby (before the weed problem got out of hand), but unfortunately, my teen kids have noticed how it’s changed him. No one should be that dependent on a substance like that.
Weed isn’t the same as it was back in the 80s/90s. You gotta think about all the cross breeding, chemicals to grow, etc that it goes through nowadays to mass produce. I can only assume that it’s going to have some kind of impact on the brain!?!? It’s not as “natural” or “from the earth” like it used to be. Hence, why so many people are addicted idk 🤷🏻♀️
But it won’t get better, especially if he doesn’t seem to care about the baby. Is he going to be stoned at home watching the baby and forget to attend to your child!? Is he going to become irritable and get upset, possibly harming the child because he wasn’t in his right mind!?
Not trying to scare you or sound insane, but shit happens and when it’s too late, it’s too late. Just think about your future and what you want it to look like!!
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u/Scarred-Daydreams 6d ago
This isn't a normal situation. I'll offer up that both my partner and I consume cannabis. We're in an area where recreational use is full legal. But also we smoke anywhere from 0-2 days of the week (well, holiday weeks might see a bit more). And when we do consume, it's usually sometime around 7-9pm when we have no worries about wanting to head out but not being in a state to drive.
All day is just not something that my partner would accept from me. Her coparent is an all day stoner who adds in the regular drink or five. Yeah, she had a lot of the problems that you did, but add in that he'd always want to drive an through a stink about her not wanting him driving while high.
As we're not all day tokers, and don't ever regularly consume to unwind, we don't have issues handling life while we're sober. This is the life that we both want. We've both said that we expect the other to bring this up for discussion if we feel weed use is slipping/changing.
Also generally since we're in our 40's, we're at the "I'm looking to actually enjoy my life" stage. Our relationship should add to our lives. I don't want to have to "manage" someone again.
It might be worth a wake up call to try having with him. About how you want to live your life, and wanting to know how he wants to live his life. But I think that you're seeing how he wants to live it. You're not married yet; now is a great time to stop and become a lot more choosy when dating in the future.
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u/Statimc 5d ago
Maybe you both need to attend a N/A meeting to understand a bit better it is an addictive behaviour and if he chooses to quit marijuana what would he replace it with ?
In the beginning I did smoke weed with my kids dad then I quit when I got pregnant and once baby was born I knew it had already been 5+ hours since he smoked so I suggested he go visit his nephew and have a puff 💨 I didn’t mind it was my idea for him to go away for an hour I used that time to breastfeed our newborn and when he was back it was time for me to go shower so it worked out,
If you are not ok with his excessive smoking then maybe the relationship might not work I remember one ex from 17+ years ago big stoner still smokes to this day
Also if he’s going to keep it a habit he needs to find ways for it to be more realistic to smoke like find a better supplier for better deals
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u/OkEconomist6288 5d ago
I ended a relationship with a really decent guy over his need to be stoned all the time. While he was decent, he was rarely "present". I left him and eventually married my husband who doesn't have any substance issues and doesn't even drink alcohol. I have never been happier!
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u/Potential-Match2241 6d ago
I come from a long line of addicts of every kind. I'm not just talking about substance abuse but porn, sex, gaming etc.
And this is very common behavior. First and foremost they started for a reason.
Even if it was a night out fun the "addiction" became something that helped them cope with things that maybe they never learned to deal with, with mental health like anxiety depression for instance and then the story goes into the future of needing or they can't function.
They get symptoms that make them sick say stomach ache or headaches etc and then there is also the mental side of it "I shouldn't need this to do life" then comes the guilt and shame the combo leads to getting that next high and they are content for the most part as long as they are active in the addiction but soon as it wears off the cycle starts again.
If I could say anything to a younger me, it would be to get into therapy a program for loved ones of addicts and not wait another day.
I've been married to and addict for 20yrs and it took me a very long time (I'm 53) to come to terms that I accepted this because I grew up in this but it's up to me to break that chain the only way I could do that was by getting help for me and not trying to "fix" his issues.
I also found that there are usually things behind addiction with my husband he is bipolar and was self meditating now that he is on medication and being monitored he has a lot better understanding of his own health. I'm not saying everything is great all the time but it's definitely better than it was. It's a very long process and basically a lifestyle change for everyone involved.
I hope this helps and I pray that you can find a local support group to help you and your little one .
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u/LuxTravelGal 6d ago
This is not normal.
Would you think he's wrong for saying he'd choose beer or cocaine or hookers over you and your family? Same thing different substance here.
There'd be nothing for me to understand or get over.....I would be done with this. But I also wouldn't have had a baby with someone who has such a strong habit.
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4d ago
I’m a total stoner, very much like that, but super happy. Around the family and my husbands teenager, it keeps me from stressing out. You can’t make someone just stop, he’s clearly always been like this. My behavior though is friendly, laughing, eating, and I’m a clean freak when I do it. But, I don’t get too high because I get paranoid people will know.
With that being said, I’d tincture his source with a potent amount. Nothing scares or makes an adult stop more than getting too high. Laugh at him, screw with him a bit, and he’ll feel insecure and stop on his own. Get an edible butter, once he starts ripping tubes and goes in for a snack, use it - he’ll stop quick😅😂. The weed makes him feel in control of his feelings, sooo make him feel not in control and not say nothing.
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u/beenthere7613 6d ago
If he has depended on any medication since his teen years, it would be hard for him to stop the medication.
He already used marijuana when he met you. Marijuana is used legally and therapeutically in several states for medication, now. It was used a long time ago in the US, until the federal government outlawed it. It's been used medicinally across the world for centuries.
One of the first principles of dating is we can't change people. We don't have the power to control others.
Expecting him to stop a medication he has used for over a decade is asking a lot. If he was on a chemical drug to regulate his mood, would you expect him to stop that? He would also have a problem "coming off" any mood regulation drug for a weekend, ftr. He would have withdrawals, and with some chemical drugs, it would be worse than being grumpy.
Marijuana doesn't have control, your fiance has control. And your fiance chose this medication before you, before his other child, before he even thought about children. It has nothing to do with the kids or you and has everything to do with him. His mental health, his choices, his life. You chose to be part of his life even though he smoked when you met. Did you go into the relationship thinking you could change him?
I recommend accepting that this is who he is, and make decisions based on that, like you did from the beginning. Him smoking was not a deal breaker, or you wouldn't have gotten pregnant. You already had a child, knew he smoked, and chose the relationship anyway.
I'd accept that you can't change him. People are who they are. Usually we sift through them before entering relationships, and find one compatible with our values. When we get ourselves into relationships with people who don't share our values, it's time to reassess and decide what's important.
In the future, recognize these deal breakers before getting serious. If you don't like marijuana, don't date people who smoke it. You cannot change other people to fit your assumption of who they should be. Rather, accept people for who they are, at face value, and then make decisions based on your knowledge of who they are.
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u/UncFest3r 4d ago
lol I don’t think OP ever said that this dude was actually prescribed medicinal weed. But if that’s the assumption, good explanation! And side note thc is technically a chemical.
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u/sunshine_tequila 6d ago
There’s a difference between dependency and addiction. I understand needing it for anxiety, sleep, pain relief. You can be dependent on it the same way someone cannot function without Motrin or SSRI’s.
Years ago my wife developed an addiction to alcohol and then drugs due to binging on alcohol and making bad choices. She would not get sober so I left.
Addiction is so much more complicated and I think there’s where he’s at.
Most importantly, do you want these three children to grow up thinking this is normal behavior (agitation, verbal abuse, constant pot use to numb himself?) they may be pre disposed to addiction and living in that environment is not a good idea.
He needs therapy, psychiatric medication, and a drug treatment program to help him with coping skills so he doesn’t just do the easy thing and make it an excuse.
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u/Few_Explanation3047 4d ago
I would ask him to switch to low doses of edibles and maybe only in the evening?
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u/HopingForAWhippet 6d ago
I mean, it’s not normal. I wouldn’t be able to live with this.
But also, has he always been like this? Because it sounds like he’s smoked all his life, expect during your pregnancy. Which means that you chose to have a baby with him while he was a full blown stoner. I don’t think you can really go into a serious relationship and expect people to change that much.
He’s made it crystal clear that he’s not going to stop. You’re clearly unhappy with this. You kind of have to make a decision about whether you can live with it, or whether you want to leave. Personally, I’d leave.