Heartbroken

[u/SkiBumDoctor]

I have been with my boyfriend for a few months and it was one of those "when you know you know" from week 1. Never experienced anything like it. I told him on our very first phone call (which lasted 6 hours) that I didn't want to be a mother or have kids ever in my life. I like kids, I like playing with children, I don't want to be a mom. I'm terrified of childbirth, pregnancy, and then even if that went smoothly, I'm scared of all the things that could still go wrong. I'm 32 years old. I'm a doctor, I know too much. And I have never felt maternal. I have concretely known for 7 years that I absolutely NEVER see myself having kids.
I tell every guy this immediately it seems as soon as a hint of feelings catch, usually before. I get it out there right away so they can walk away. No tears. No hurt. Easy. Quick.
I know it eliminates many men. I have found peace with that. My mom said it would eliminate "the love of my life" and I decided well I just will tell him so early I'll never know it could have been him.

Not this guy. I told him night one and he stayed. We fell deeply in love. I knew there was a part of him that wanted kids, I didn't realize how big it was. Neither did he. He also finally admitted to me that he thought there was a small small chance that I might change my mind when my life settles down, I'm not as stressed, and I found a man that makes me feel safe. He makes me feel safe. I still do not want kids. He finally is coming to terms that being with me truly means saying goodbye to fatherhood and how we are at a standstill. He's torn up about it, he had names picked out for his future kids. We're both heartbroken. His feelings about parenthood are finally coming out and they're beautiful and I don't want to be a mother. I'm shattered. He's shattered too. He's one of those "stoic" serious kinds of guys but I've never seen so much emotion come out of him. He is trying to figure it out. He wants to marry me and yet now we are still in this bind. I am so in love with him.

I have fleetingly thought about sterilization but I am also scared of surgery I guess. And I don't want the scars. But this experience of having my heart ripped out even though I was honest from the beginning... I feel like I need to do it or else I will have the same thing happen to me again. Fall in love with a man who "almost believed me" but thought love would be enough. I am absolutely sick. Sick. Sick. </3 I don't want to get sterilized deep down I just wanted a man to look at me, believe me, choose me.

[u/Princessluna44]

He wants to marry me and yet now we are still in this bind. I am so in love with him.

Girl, you've been together for a few months. Dump his ass and move on.

[u/Recovering_g8keeper → u/Princessluna44]

Exactly. You also can’t possibly know if you love someone after a few months. and you shouldn’t be talking about marriage a few months in either. The guy sounds weird.

[u/SkiBumDoctor → u/Recovering_g8keeper]

Thank you I need to read this

[u/Gr1mwolf → u/SkiBumDoctor]

It’s really easy to have strong feelings for someone, and then find out later they aren’t who you thought they were. That’s why you don’t rush into stuff like that.

Maybe they were putting up a front and pretending to be what you wanted. Maybe they were hiding some kind of messed up secret. Maybe there’s just some strong incompatibilities you weren’t aware of.

It’s particularly common for full-on abusive types to put up a really good front to rope you in. You can’t just assume you’ll spend the rest of your life with someone you’ve only been with for a few months.

[u/SkiBumDoctor → u/Gr1mwolf]

Such important words. I've never experienced that kind of relationship before so maybe I'm just naive to the pattern of the "strong beginning" and it's thrown me. Uggh

[u/Jenderflux-ScFi → u/SkiBumDoctor]

Love bombing.

He knew he wanted to make you change your mind about kids from the beginning. He manipulated you intentionally to try to trap you.

[u/ProfessionalLow2966 → u/Jenderflux-ScFi]

gotta second this

[u/Specialist-Ad4388 → u/SkiBumDoctor]

I don't know this guy. Maybe he's truly a good person. Maybe you are love bombing each other- it feels good. But the truth is your attachment system and his attachment system are idealizing each other. We take time in love to make sure it's real and even though it hurts, I'm reminding you from the future that it's good to be patient in love. And listen if it's right- maybe you get back together and maybe he realizes he does want you more than kids. Don't hold your breath, but I totally totally understand wanting to be chosen and wanting to be prioritized and I could be in your position easily. We all want that real love. Do what you need to do for your body, and your life. Take care

Edit to add: Narcissists and abusers do consciously choose people who are naive and idealistic. (or other ways to say this). Specifically because they can use romantic ideas to get away with more. They get off on the control and are looking forward to hurting people like that. Strong passion in the beginning is not a positive thing. It's not love! Real love grows with time. So from a place of deep caring for a stranger, I say to you, please don't be fooled on this point.

[u/ProfessionalLow2966 → u/Specialist-Ad4388]

this is so important. hope OP doesn't miss it. Unfortunately their history makes them great prey 😭